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Friday, October 12, 2012

Being Confident in Love

Sometimes I forget to take my own advice. At lunch today I texted something suggestive to my wife about my hopes for tonight. Yes, yes, I know. Didn’t I just write yesterday that a man should pursue his wife the ways SHE likes to be pursued? Yes I did.

It wasn’t anything crude, but coming from out of the blue, especially since she was in the middle of dealing with a difficult issue with someone on the phone, it did not have its intended effect. At that point I had several choices. I could kick myself for being brain-dead and not doing things right. I could get offended, back off, and give up on my hopes for tonight. Or I could simply choose to believe that my wife loves me and wants to be with me. I chose the latter.

Because she reads my blog, she lightheartedly reminded of my own advice. Then she followed up with a text affirming our plans for later.

It’s so easy to have our confidence shaken in the area of intimacy, especially sexual intimacy. When we risk exposing ourselves, figuratively getting naked, before our spouse, things aren’t always going to go smoothly. Our instinct is to withdraw and cover, to put on the fig leaves and hide in shame, as Adam and Eve did before God.

No, it’s not easy to keep our confidence in the face of intimacy challenges and miscommunication. But confidence is what is called for if we are to keep pressing into each other, to keep getting naked, to keep pursuing, to keep communicating and to keep growing in intimacy.

When you remain confident in your love and in your determination to find intimacy, it is contagious. Your spouse will catch it that you aren’t backing away, that intimacy is important to you, and respond in kind.



Day 11 for Wives
Act with Confidence




Try to identify the areas where you tend to most often lose your confidence.

One common area for wives is in their appearance. Do you focus on every blemish, wrinkle or extra inch? Focus instead on the fact that your husband adores you admires your body, just as you are? Be confident in his desire for you.

Maybe your issue is sexual self-confidence. Do you fear not getting aroused or disappointing your husband in bed? Focus instead on the fact that you and he are one, that your body also belongs to your husband. Be confident in the fact that you were made for his pleasure.

Are you insecure in your husband’s love and affection? Do you get put off by his lack of attention, his romantic ineptitude or his inability to communicate his feeling toward you? How would your interactions change if you instead had total confidence in his love for you (despite the troubles he sometimes has showing it)? Imagine how different you would be with him if you acted as if his love for you was perfect?

Perhaps you feel inadequate or inept. It could be over the way you parent or keep house, your job, or any number of other things. Feeling like a failure and hating yourself will definitely inhibit your ability to receive love from your husband and to stay close.




Your challenge today is to step out in confidence.

Identify an area where you lack confidence, perhaps one I mentioned above, and decide to do something about it. Decide that despite your temptation to pull away, to hide, to shrink back from your husband, you are going to do just the opposite.

  • Appearance – do something bold tonight. Put on some sultry music and do a striptease for your man. Come to bed naked. Join him in the shower. Your confidence will be stunningly attractive to your husband, I promise.
  • Sex – have it. If you avoid sex like the plague, bolster your courage and just do it. Take on a new persona – imagine yourself a tigress. Seduce your husband. Don’t worry that you don’t feel desire at the beginning or that you won’t get aroused. Completely focus your attention on him and giving him pleasure, and your own arousal will come.
  • Husband’s Affection – spend an entire day trusting and believing in your husband’s love and affection, refusing to respond to anything he does that feel unloving to you, refusing to blame him for not showing you the affection you want. Instead, spend the day lavishing your love on him as if he was the perfect husband.
  • Inadequacy – Decide to set aside your shame and guilt and walk in confidence today, as if you were the perfect wife and mother. Forgive yourself and let go of your worry, at least for a day. Now take the time and energy you would have spent obsessing, and focus on loving your husband. Make bold intimacy moves – go back and read some ideas from earlier Intimacy Challenges.


"Is there anything I do that causes you to doubt my love for you?"






Day 11 for Husbands
Act with Confidence




Try to identify the areas where you tend to most often lose your confidence.

When you are rebuffed for sexual advances toward your wife, it will destroy your sexual confidence and make you want to quit trying.Don’t! Instead focus on the truth that the two of you are one and that you are intended by God for one another’s pleasure. Be confident in your sexual self. 

Are you like many men who feel inadequate or unskilled when it comes to romancing your wife? Maybe she has even told you as much. Don’t stop trying!Instead, step up and confidently take the challenge to learn how to romance your wife.

There are many forces at work against your leadership of your wife and family. Maybe you lack confidence in your ability. Maybe you have bowed to the world’s agenda and aren’t even sure God intends a place of authority for husbands in their homes. Don’t buy it. Man up, take up the mantel and lead your wife with strength and love, with servant leadership, like Jesus.



Your challenge today is to step out in confidence.

Identify an area where you lack confidence, perhaps one I mentioned above, and decide to do something about it. Decide that despite your temptation to pull away, to hide, to shrink back from your wife, you are going to do just the opposite.

  • Sex – If you have lost your sexual confidence and have given up on your sex life, do something about it today. Have an honest talk with your wife about the importance of the sexual component of the intimacy in your marriage. It is the glue that holds marriage together, and you want your marriage to be strong. Refuse to settle for anything less than a great sex life.
  • Romance – Do something today to upgrade your romance skills. There are hundreds of resources on how to romance your wife. You have to simply decide that even though romance doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a skill you can acquire. Make a confident romantic gesture toward you wife today.
  • Leadership – It’s time to man up and lead your wife and family with confidence. Admit to your wife that you haven’t done all you should with God’s mandate to lead with love and strength, and let her know it’s going to be different. Be confident but not cocky. Be direct but not abrasive. Explain to her what you think a husband’s leadership should look like and ask her what she thinks it should look like. Commit to her to lead boldly.



"Is there anything I do that causes you to doubt my love for you?"








2 comments:

Sojourner said...

I have really enjoyed this whole his / hers series... excellent work!

Scott said...

Sojourner - thanks so much for your positive feedback!

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