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Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sex on the
brain
Whether you
know it or not, there is a tug of war going on in your brain. This tug of war
is basically between two polar desires: security
and excitement. The war affects more
than sex, but it seems to play out most emphatically and uncomfortably in that
arena.
It’s
fascinating to me how our brain chemistry causes us to both crave and fear
excitement. Research has shown that in a relationship our brain chemistry
shifts over time, from the early, enthralled, head-over-heels stage (dominated
by the presence of dopamine and nonrepinephrine) toward a more mellow, bonded
and contented satisfied stage (increased oxytocin).
The
excitement of new sexual experiences causes us to feel similar sensations to
when we were in that head-over-heels, giddy-in-love stage of our relationships,
aka the honeymoon phase. At the same
time, over the same new experiences, we can also encounter fear and feel compelled to seek “safer ground.” Our
desire for the security and safety of the familiar fights against our desire
for the thrill of the new and different.
Depending on
your personalities, one or the other of these may have a stronger influence on
you than on your spouse. Typically men
have a stronger need for adventure than women, and women typically have a
stronger need to feel safe and secure. Of course this is certainly not always
the case. In any event, a difference in desire for the “new and different” vs. “safe
and secure” can create tension that needs to be recognized and addressed.
Marital intimacy,
the idea of being completely known and completely loved, drives wonderful
feelings of contentment and closeness, but at the same time it can also tend to
push out the sense of mystery and excitement.
The fear of damaging intimacy and risking rejection by exposing our
sexual desires can tend to drive us to shut ourselves off from the sex we
really want.
Can
you have intensity and excitement without variety? Yes. Does variety guarantee
intensity and excitement? No. I don’t believe in variety for variety’s sake,
but I do believe there is a definite
brain-chemistry benefit to at least occasionally stirring things up a little.
If either spouse is feeling a little stuck in your routine, something should be
done to address it before it leads to sexual boredom. (By the way, this applies
outside the bedroom as well!)
There
is something to be said for keeping things fresh.
Think about
where you personally land on the security vs. excitement spectrum when it comes
to your sex life. How does this compare it to where you think your husband is? If there a gap between you in this arena, have
you talked about how to resolve it?
Think back
over the last 30 days of lovemaking and consider the following
- Did either you or your husband bring anything new or different to the bedroom (or wherever)? Who brought it up, and how did the other respond?
- Are you satisfied with the current level of intensity and passion in your sexual encounters or are you in a rut with your routine?
- Do you wish you had sex more frequently or in different places or in different positions? Have you told your husband of your wishes?
- If you were interested in finding ideas to grow your sexual repertoire, do you have a “clean,” non-pornographic resource you could use for inspiration?
Your challenge today is to do
something different from your normal sexual routine.
There are many ways to break from the normal routine. I understand that change involves risk and vulnerability, especially if when you were rebuffed when you brought new ideas in the past. However, deepening intimacy often involves risk.
Even if you are not the adventuresome type, there are plenty of options for you to choose that won't necessarily stretch you too far. Here are a few ideas:
- Timing – if you normally make love at night, try it in the morning, or have a little afternoon delight if you can arrange for the kids to be occupied elsewhere.
- Attire – wear something more revealing than what you normally wear to bed or wear nothing at all. Your husband is a visual creature and will appreciate such a gesture regardless of how comfortable you are with your body.
- Location – try a different piece of furniture in your bedroom besides your bed (a chair provides some interesting options). Use the guest room. The shower or tub can be fun (at least to start out, because water doesn’t make the best lubricant).
- Positions – the human form allows for an amazing number of possibilities when it comes the coupling of two bodies. It can be fun to experiment to find new pleasurable positions. Here are two options for some more sex position ideas from two other Christian marriage bloggers:
1. J, from Hot, Holy and Humorous,
recently did a post about sex
positions using stick figure images.
2. Paul Byerly, The Generous Husband,
recently did a post
on sexual positions using only descriptions.
Dare to ask:
"If you could
ask for one thing to add to our sexual repertoire, what would it be?"
Think about
where you personally land on the security vs. excitement spectrum when it comes
to your sex life. How does this compare it to where you think your wife is? If there a gap between you in this arena, have
you talked about how to resolve it?
Think back
over the last 30 days of lovemaking and consider the following
- Did either you or your wife bring anything new or different to the bedroom (or wherever)? Who brought it up, and how did the other respond?
- Are you satisfied with the current level of intensity and passion in your sexual encounters or are you in a rut with your routine?
- Do you wish you had sex more frequently or in different places or in different positions? How have you let your wife know of your wishes?
- If you were interested in finding ideas to grow your sexual repertoire, do you have a “clean,” non-pornographic resource you could use for inspiration?
Your challenge today is to do
something different from your normal sexual routine.
If I were to
ask you what constitutes “good sex” chances are you would start listing specific
kinds of activities. If I asked your wife the same question, she would talk
about the atmosphere surrounding it, the emotions it stirred and how she felt
she was treated during. It would have much less to do with what you actually
did than how she felt about it. Women are just typically wired that way.
So in
challenging you to do something different, I am asking you to try not to think
like a man, but instead try to think about what changes might be meaningful to
your wife. Make the new ideas all about her.
Here
are a few of my ideas:
- Ambiance – If you haven’t typically done so, try creating an atmosphere that is relaxing using soft music, scented candles, and tons of pillows. Sometimes placing this setting in a different room brings a fresh sense of romance.
- Timing – If you normally drop into bed exhausted and typically settle for a quickie, make an appointment with her for an early bedtime. Use the extra time for foreplay.
- Preparation – It takes women much longer to shift gears from mommy/ homemaker mode to lover. Offer to put the kids to bed or do the dishes for her while she takes a long hot bath.
- Attention – Let her know she is to be the center of attention tonight. Touch her and kiss her in new ways, take your time, let her have the first orgasm.
- Other – As I said above, your wife is probably more affected by the emotional connection during sex than she is by the actual activities. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore the opportunity to try out new locations for sex, try out different positions, or buy her something pretty to wear to bed. In all these attempts at variety, however, focus more on how it makes her feel than on what you do.
When
bringing ideas into the bedroom, be aware of the likelihood that she will be
reticent to try something new unless you go out of your way to make her
comfortable with the idea. Don’t push
her. Also, don’t judge her and withdraw emotionally if she doesn’t go along right away. Always
keep the conversation going.
Dare to ask:
"If you could
ask for one thing to add to our sexual repertoire, what would it be?"

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1 comments:
I'm really liking this series. There's nothing that kills a husband's libido faster than being rejected for wanting something different / new in bed. Makes us clam up and live in quiet desperation. Thank you for speaking up.
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