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Monday, September 24, 2012

If you were man enough to read beyond the title to this post, chances are you are hoping I’m going to tell you how to get your wife to have more sex with you. Often, though certainly not always, people use “intimacy” is a euphemism for sex. Intimacy Challenge = Sex Challenge = More Sex, right?


I pointed out in my previous post, which you really should read before reading this one, that my new reader survey tells me people are more interested in intimacy than any other topic. The stereotype would predict that the men who answer as such are looking for more sex, whereas the women who tick the “very interested” box next to the “How to grow in intimacy” topic are looking for more romance.

But of course, it’s not really quite that simple.

Three Truths About Men and Intimacy

It’s probably safe to say that many men are looking for a better sex life. Whether better means more frequency, less routine, more passion or a more mutual interest level, the first truth about men and intimacy is that men tend to be more biologically driven than women when it comes to sex. (Yes, I know there are also plenty of wives who are the higher drive spouse.)

But the second truth about men and intimacy is that it takes more than sex, even frequent sex, to fulfill their desire for connection – a desire that is innate to both males and females. Men need emotional intimacy too, although the path to and composition of emotional intimacy for men is often substantially different than it is for women.

For your wife, emotional intimacy (romance and emotional connection) is a prerequisite for sexual intimacy. For you it’s probably the other way around. Whereas emotional intimacy for you may come through words and actions that lead to you feeling respected, admired and trusted, for your wife, emotional intimacy means feeling loved and cared for, being given your time and attention, and knowing she is safe and secure.

The third truth about men and intimacy is that they often totally miss the significance of spiritual intimacy in fuelling the other two kinds of intimacy (sexual/physical and emotional).In their minds, men tend to completely separate the spiritual realm from physical and emotional realm, but for most women, there is an acknowledged spiritual thread that runs through the other two.  Honestly, this is true for men as well, whether they consciously acknowledge it or not.

The Challenge

Starting October 1st for 13 consecutive days I’m challenging you to 13 days of increased intimacy. Sounds good, right?  But there is a catch.

Rather than spending those days pushing for the kind of intimacy you think you lack, I’m challenging you to focus on giving your wife the kind of intimacy she most desires. If you really want to get your marriage on the Path of Intimacy and off the Path of Separation, it requires laying down your rights and your agenda and stepping into the way of selfless love.  

Are you man enough for the challenge? Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone and give selflessly to your wife in the ways that are important to her? Are you willing to change your game and do things a little differently than you’ve done them in the past?

Maybe you are a little unsure of what loving your wife in that way looks like? Well, fortunately I’m here to help you. In each of my posts over the 13 day period I’m going to give you daily specific ideas on just how to take the intimacy in your marriage to the next level, regardless of where it is at today.

A Few Warnings    

My first warning is to be careful of your motivation. While it is quite possible and even likely that giving generously to your wife in this way will make it easier and more likely that she will return the favor, don’t go into this challenge with a “give to get” mentality. Make your central purpose blessing your wife and strengthening your marriage, not getting what you want out of it.

Second, you will need to use your brain. By that I mean you will need to fit the daily suggestions into the context of your own marriage. Think about your wife’s own unique personality and preferences and adapt my ideas as necessary. But let me give you a warning about this warning: don’t be too quick to dismiss my suggestions by claiming “that would never work for my wife.” Don’t assume you know her that completely. Like I said last time, if you don’t change the way you have been doing intimacy, you aren’t going to get different results.

Are You In?

It’s time to ante up and commit. Take the challenge! You won’t regret it.  You can make it easy by simply filling in your email address below and clicking the “Subscribe” button to get my posts delivered right to your inbox. (Your email address will never be shared with anyone, ever.)

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I hope you will seriously consider taking this intimacy challenge. You have nothing to lose and a stronger, more intimate marriage to gain. If you are in, I would appreciate a short  comment letting me know (anonymously if you wish).

And I'm offering a similar challenge to wives in this week's Wives Only Wednesday post. Watch for it!

 second image courtesy of


Anonymous said...

I'm in! Bob M.

Anonymous said...

I'm in. RB

Anonymous said...

Up for it!- Taki

Scott said...

Thanks men! Glad to have you with me!

Jason@SongSix3 said...

Count me in, Scott! Because of some medical issues, my wife and I are not usually able to participate in the "normal" brand of multi-day intimacy challenges... but this one looks like a winner for us! (Now to get her to read the wife's post!)

Anonymous said...

We have hit a few bumps in the road, and have been close to our end. I look forward to this challenge and can't wait to see how the Lord will work in our marriage!

Jonathan D

Anonymous said...

I`m in

Anonymous said...

I'm in

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