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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

In case you are new here, I am in the midst of a 13-Day Intimacy Challenge. If you want to catch up, you can go back and start from Day 1 for husbands and wives.

The Power of Pursuit

Regardless of how long you’ve been married, you should still be pursuing your spouse. We all want to feel like we are wanted, regardless of how long we’ve been married. In fact the necessity to actively pursue your wife or husband actually grows over time. Unfortunately, many of us lose track of that fact the longer we are married, the more we want to be wanted.

  • Pursuit says “I desire you.”
  • Pursuit says “I need you.”
  • Pursuit says “I would choose you again”
  • Pursuit says “I want you enough to come after you.”
  • Pursuit says “Let’s find pleasure in one another.”

Day 10 for Wives
Pursue Your Husband

You probably aren’t wired to be biologically driven with desire the way your husband is, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pursue your man anyway. If you wait to “feel” desire before you show him that you desire him, it may never happen.

Reflect today on whether or not you still pursue your husband.

You may be misled into thinking that pursuit is only your husband’s responsibility. Don’t believe it. He wants and needs to know you desire him.

Have you stopped doing some of the things you used to do to show your husband that you find him desirable? Do you wait around for him to make the first move? Do you purposefully dampen your affection when you aren’t getting from him the kind of engagement you want from him emotionally?

When was the last time you did something to purposefully stir your passion for him

Your challenge today is to do something to purposefully pursue your husband.

Remember that the Intimacy Challenge is all about showing love to your husband in ways that are most meaningful to him. In order to do that, you have to try not to think like woman. Pursuing your husband in the ways you like to be pursued will probably miss the mark.

Here are some ideas on how to pursue your man:

  • Dress for him – Your husband is visual. When you choose an outfit or lingerie he likes or fix your hair and makeup the way he likes, it sends him the message that his wishes matter to you.
  • Be suggestive – Words you might consider rude or offensive coming from your husband, he will most likely consider sexy. Sorry, it’s true. It turns him on to know you are thinking about him “in that way” outside the bedroom.
  • Kiss him – Physical affection tells your husband he is desirable. Kiss him like you mean it. Long, deep, passionate, even aggressive kisses will turn him into butter and let him know you want him.
  • Remind him – Affirm him sexually by recalling a specific recent sexual encounter, telling him how much you enjoyed him, and thanking him for how he made you feel (but don’t lie).
  • Proposition him – Coy hints can be nice and sweet, but nothing communicates your pursuit of your husband more than telling him straight out that you want to have sex with him – and right now.
These kinds of things won’t necessarily come naturally to you. You aren’t wired to think like him. But try them, and see if I’m right about it. I bet I am.

"Do I make you feel desired?"

Day 10 for Husbands
Pursue Your Wife

If you are like most men, desire is not much of a problem for you. What probably is a problem is communicating your desire for your wife in a way that she appreciates.

The kind of words and actions that you long to hear from your wife to tell you how much she desires you sound offensive and off-putting when she hears them from you. Mindless groping while saying, “Come on, baby, do me” might get you worked up, but it will probably just get your hand slapped.

What feels like pursuit to you, can feel like objectification to her.

Your challenge today is to do something to purposefully pursue your wife.

Remember that the Intimacy Challenge is all about showing love to your wife in ways that are most meaningful to her.

How do you show pursuit to a woman? Here are some ideas:
  • Make her feel beautiful – Go back and read Day 4, She Needs to Feel Beautiful. Do those things, especially if you missed them the first time.
  • Help her out – You are both tired; you both work hard. Why should you help her with “her” stuff? Because it makes her feel taken care of, and that makes her feel like you are pursuing her.
  • Non-sexual touch – This is really important! I’m not talking about grabbing and squeezing. I’m talking about soft caresses in non-sexual places, fingers in her hair, touches on her face and arms, holding hands, and gentle kisses. These build the bond between you by releasing a hormone called oxytocin.
  • Words –It’s likely that your wife is as wooed by words as you are by visual stimulation. Learn to talk and listen in ways that make her feel cherished and valued. Call her. Text her. Write her a little love note. Stay in communication. Frequency is more important than length.
  • Date her – Do you remember the things you did to win her in the first place? Do them again.
I know what you are thinking. “These are so boring and non-sexual.” Stop thinking like a man, and do them. Then tell me whether or not things turn sexual later. But don’t do these things with an eye toward sex. She’ll see right through it. Do them because you love her and want to let her know she is still worth pursuing.

"Do I make you feel desired?"


Sojourner said...

So important - both sides of this coin!

Scott said...

Sojourner - yes and so easy to forget!

livinginblurredlines said...

I look forward to when I can pursue hubby again. We had an upset in our sex life, a perfect storm of a mix of of them being me pursuing hubby all the time (because he wouldn't take the time to pleasure me so I pursued constantly in hopes that this time he'd bring me to O). It turned him off completely, so in order to heal, God and hubby have both suggested that I back off and let hubby pursue. We finally got to a point where I can initiate with hubby's permission, but I look forward to when I can fully pursue him and he responds favorably.

Scott said...

Hi livingblurredlines - In the face of sexual differences like you describe, you usually have to redefine pursuit a little - a non-sexual pursuit is what is called for in order not to make your husband feel threatened or diminished as a man.

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