Journey to Surrender

My wife and I saw the movie “Date Night” earlier this week.

(Spoiler warning: I hate it when people give away a movie that I have not yet seen but intend to, so if that’s you, you might want to skip this post. Go see the movie and come back here with your comments.)

The basic story line of the movie is that an ordinary couple from New Jersey, seeking to infuse their visibly boring marriage with the excitement of a night on the town in NYC, wind up getting tangled up with the mob. It’s not a terribly realistic story in some respects, but in other ways it sends some good messages. So I’d like to share a few thoughts for us “real” married people.

I don’t wish to opine, so I’ll just toss out my unsubstantiated and random observations.

1.  I thought they did a decent job of portraying the reality of a married couple who obviously care for each other yet are totally bored and have stopped making the effort to keep things interesting.   A few examples:  1) she comes to bed in an old t-shirt wearing a mouth guard, and rather than expressing his desires, he responds by immediately giving up on any hope for intimacy, even when she offers him a quickie (albeit half-heartedly).  2) They both show a total lack of enthusiasm for their regular date night, doing it more out of routine and obligation rather than any sense of enjoyment. They even forget about it until the sitter shows up. They apparently go to the same restaurant and order the same food every time – perhaps a little over the top to make a point.
2. My wife observed that they writers avoided the stereotypical spouse-bashing portrayal you so often see in the movies. The two were genuinely respectful toward each other, even in their boredom. Nice touch. 
3. Their wake-up call comes when close friends who are equally bored, decide to divorce. Rather than running for the exit of their relationship, they re-double their effort to regain that spark of excitement. The wife initiates this by donning a sexy dress and heels, with make-up and hair done with extra care. Seeing her, as perhaps he has forgotten she can be, causes him to respond with determination to rise to the occasion, declaring that they are going into the city 
4. He has given up trying to lead in the relationship. She has apparently stopped trusting him and allowing him to do so due to past mistakes that aren’t really expounded upon. This is obviously hurtful to him. Through the course of their adventure she eventually relinquishes control to him, and discovers, after some mis-haps, that he is a much more capable leader than she thought. 
5. Early on there is a scene where the couple is participating in a book-reading club. It’s just him and five wives, no husbands other than he is willing to endure the pain of the horrible book selections. It makes him look a little wimpy and browbeaten. You later learn that he does it simply because he thinks it is important to her. His heart is sincere – it’s not because she requires it of him. And you later find out that she hates the group and the books. She only reads the first chapter and the end, while he reads the whole thing.

I’m sure if I thought some more there would be other observations. If you’ve seen the movie maybe you’d like to add you own below. Please do.

The movie invites a few questions:

1. Do you recognize signs of boredom in your own marriage? Are you as vigilant as you should be against apathy?
2. Have you “stuck” your spouse in a role based on history or past perceptions rather than allowing him or her to grow and mature in new ways?
3. Do you assume your marriage is OK simply because you treat each other with respect and kindness, thinking that is enough?
4. When was the last time you went out of your way to create an adventure or sense of excitement? 
5. How do you respond when you see marriages falling apart around you?
6. Are there things you are engaged in, even as a couple, that really aren’t feeding either of you? Are there things you do simply because you always have and not because you really want to?

I was reminded this morning by way of our Pastor’s sermon how important it is to know that God loves us.

Sure, you’ve heard it a thousand times, “God loves you.”

But if you knew it, I mean really understood the extent of it, the unfailing, unending, unstoppable and deeply passionate nature of it, it would change EVERYTHING. It would change the way you pray, the way you work, the way you serve, and the way you relate to others. Everything. If the reality of God’s love struck your heart at its core, you’d be ruined for a “normal” Christian life.

I think King David got it. Read the Psalms and you’ll see the love of God everywhere. The apostle Paul got it, too. Maybe he got it more than any human ever did. In Ephesians 3 he prayed that you would:

...know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Eph 3:19

He admits up front that it’s not possible to really know this love to it’s fullest extent, yet he prays that we would. He makes the bold statement that fully knowing the love of Christ is how we attain the fullness of God. Whoa! He makes it clear that this is a life-long pursuit, and that the more we know, the more we realize we don’t really know at all.

This little word “know” here is so much more than our meager English translation. The Greek word ginosko means much more than simply to have an idea in your head or to give mental ascent to a notion. No! Ginosko means to know by experience, to feel and to understand. Strongs Concordance explains it as “Jewish idiom for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman.” Now that is real knowing!

Paul uses that same word, in the prayer from the first chapter of Ephesians.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. Eph 1:17

So why all this talk about knowing the love of God in a marriage blog? Skip a few pages over in your Bible to Ephesians 5 and you’ll see the reason. I think Paul was laying the groundwork in the love of Christ in order to come to this very point.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Eph 5:25

How can a husband ever expect to love his wife in the same way Christ loves us unless he knows how Christ loves us? Impossible. The love of God is no subtle side point in the discussion of marriage; it is at its very core! Men you need “wisdom and revelation” to really know in an experiential and personal way “how high, how deep and how wide” this love of Christ is.

Husbands, passionately pursue the knowledge of the love of God. Study it. Meditate on it. Read about it. Prayerfully consider it. Ask for revelation on it. Go after it like your marriage depends on it, because it does more than you even know. The good news is that the kind of knowing we are talking about comes by way of supernatural revelation by  the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit of God loves to brag on the love of God. He’s longing to have you “know” it. Just ask. It’s a prayer that is eagerly answered.

And then, as you gain each new bit of additional understanding of the love of Christ, turn and lavish that very same kind of love on your wife. God himself is the source of love that husbands are called to bestow on their wives, because God is love. It’s not something you can whip up on your own, so go to the source and get some. Get some more. And then go back and get more again. Never stop.

Men, get yourself wrecked by the love of God, and let it transform the way you love your wife.  You've got to KNOW so she can KNOW.