Journey to Surrender

I posted last time about the recent Pew Research study in which 39% of poll respondents agreed that marriage is on a general trend toward obsolescence. Of that percentage there were probably many who didn’t see that as a big deal, maybe some who welcome the idea, and possibly others who are alarmed by the notion. For the record, I count myself in the final category.

For those of us “pro-marriage” types, this study begs the question:

“What are we doing to promote marriage?”

Now as important as I think political engagement is, such as voting in leaders who support a biblical view of marriage and the like, that’s really not what I’m asking about. So maybe I need to rephrase the question to focus a bit more narrowly:

“What are you doing on a regular basis to demonstrate how important your own marriage is to your life, to the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams, and to your daily happiness?”

You see I’m convinced that the attack on marriage comes primarily from the high profile of so many failed and miserable marriages, not only in the general media and among our pop star culture, but also from individuals among their friends. How many of your friends gossip together about how wonderful so-and-so’s marriage appears or how happily-in-love that new couple in church seems to be or even how much you love and admire your own husband or wife?

How many positive marriage role models do we hold up to others?

Honoring what is honorable

In my church we talk a lot about honoring what is honorable to the Lord. What we mean by that is that we want to support, shine a light on and glorify those things that God sees as good, right and holy. I can’t think of many things the Lord would want to honor more than strong, happy, successful, and enduring marriages.

With that in mind, I’m going to toss out a few ideas as to how we can, in our own sphere of influence of friends, family and co-workers, honor marriage. The idea is NOT to promote ourselves as being better than other married folks, so some caution needs to be added to the way in which this is done, but here are a few low-key ideas:

• Don’t hold back from saying “I love you” or using other words of affection to your spouse when you are talking to them on the phone when others might overhear.
• Tell your friends about great date spots you and your spouse have found. Mention how important it is to you that you have regular date nights.
• In an appropriate setting, re-tell something special or thoughtful your husband or wife has done for you recently.
• Hold hands in public. Depending on your comfort level with PDA, even hold each other and/or kiss in public.
• If you see an obviously happy couple, don’t deride them to your friends but praise them. ”Isn’t it great to see such a strong and happy marriage.”
• Ask another couple how you can pray for their marriage. Then do it.
• Ask another couple to pray for your own marriage. Offer to exchange regular prayer support.
• Get involved in the marriage blogging community: read, comment, and pass on good stuff you find to your friends and family via email, Facebook and Twitter (I’ve got easy links at the end of each post, as do most bloggers).
• Ask your church to start a marriage small group or Sunday school class. Better yet, offer to start one with your spouse. You don’t have to have all the answers, just a willing heart.
• Never tear down your spouse in front of your friends. Rather, praise them and express thankfulness for marriage and your spouse. Be generous with positive words.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head. There are tons more possibilities.

But I’m Not Happy!

Maybe you are saying to yourself, “My marriage isn’t all that great and I’m not really so happy.”

Go back and re-read the list above. Almost nothing on that list requires you to first be in a joyously thriving marriage. You can take concrete steps to support strong marriages regardless of the shape your own marriage is in.

And here’s the thing, I can almost guarantee that if you start doing those kinds of things, your own marriage WILL be happier. Period.

So what do you think? Are you ready to promote strong marriages, the institution of marriage, and your own marriage in particular? Can you think of other ways to do that besides what I have listed?

A while back there was a huge furor in the marriage blogging community over a survey done by Pew Research for Time Magazine  in which they found that 39% of the Americans surveyed said “marriage is becoming obsolete,” up from 28% in 1978.

More specifically, there was lots of uproar over the way the findings were (mis)reported in the mass media. For example, one CBS News story  made this opening statement.

Not only are more marriages on the rocks these days, so is marriage itself, according to a new study by the Pew Research Center.

Both statements are actually gross mis-statements of fact and reflective of the left-wing media agenda to distort and destroy traditional (biblical) definitions of marriage and family. The truth is that divorce rates are declining. The divorce rate was actually higher in 1978 when far fewer answered affirmatively to the question of marriage trending toward obsolescence.

Marriage researcher Tara Parker-Pope says in her book, For Better – The Science of a Good Marriage, that commonly misquoted and inflated divorce rate statistics are almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I think the 50 percent divorce rate myth has trained a generation to be ambivalent about marriage and divorce.” The Pew study bears this out.

The second statement from the CBS story above that claims marriage in general is “on the rocks” is also misleading, yet it does bear a grain of truth. Traditional marriage is and has been under an immense assault, and the Pew study, though it has many critics in terms of the sampling methodology, does give a sort of wake-up call that the pro-marriage community must not be too quick to dismiss.

Granted, the key question in the study that got most of the sensationalized “marriage is dead” types of headlines is blatantly misleading. Instead of asking whether marriage is obsolete, they asked if it is becoming obsolete – two very different questions. One speaks to a current state; the other to a trend. Most of the headlines took the answer to one question and applied it to the other one in order to make their stories seem more dramatic. Even the original Time magazine story, the sponsors of the Pew study, got it wrong with their own mis-statement, “nearly 40% of us think marriage is obsolete.” Well, not really. The data clearly show that many of the affirmative respondents were merely expressing concern over the growing lack of respect for the institution of marriage, not making a value statement on marriage in general.

Anyway, most of this ground has been covered by others. So why am I posting about this several month old study now? Partly, I wanted to just let the dust settle a bit. Partly, I hadn’t had time to read the actual 122 page study. And Partly, I wasn’t quite sure what I could add to the discussion.

What is Marriage?

For me, what’s been missing from almost all of the discussion that I’ve read since the study was first published is a careful examination of what we actually mean by “marriage.” I’m not a sociologist or professional researcher, so maybe I missed it amidst all the data and analysis, but to me this is the most critical question.

Here’s another quote from the original Time cover story on the study:

What we found is that marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children — yet marriage remains revered and desired.

Not as necessary? Really? In what manner has marriage become unnecessary or irrelevant, as many assert? It seems we’ve mixed up what marriage really is. Marriage isn’t a certificate or a ceremony. The paper and the pomp are but impermanent symbols of what should be a much deeper and more lasting covenant. Marriage is to be a holy and genuine commitment to live as a husband and wife, growing evermore toward being inseparably one in body, soul and spirit.

We too often mistake the symbols for the substance. Perhaps this is why Americans are a leaders in both the rate of marriage and the rate of divorce, when compared to our European counterparts. When we fail to grasp the covenantal nature of marriage, it is easy to simply head for the exits when the wedding bell bliss begins to fade. (I’m not saying that divorce is never the right thing, so don’t blast me.)

Who Needs Marriage?

Of course you don’t “need” a marriage license to have sex, to find companionship or enjoy a successful career. Clearly, with an astounding 40% of children being born out of wedlock, many feel it is not even “necessary” to wed before giving birth. In this sense the statement is true: there is neither a legal nor in many cases a moral obligation to marry.

So why then, as both the study and the writer of the Time story assert, is marriage also “revered and desired?”

I believe it’s because God wired us that way. This is born out by the fact that 93% of married survey respondents say they married for love and 87% claimed to view their marriage as a lifelong commitment going in. (The numbers for unmarried respondents, when asked about potential marriage, were slightly lower, at 84% and 74% respectively. This data from the study is shown in the graphic at the top of this post.)

We are wired to desire intimacy. We long to be known fully and loved completely. This is what draws us to God. This is what draws us to lifelong marriage. It is only in the permanence and safety of a committed covenantal arrangement that genuine intimacy can take root, grow and truly thrive.

And that will never become obsolete.


Do you agree with my assessment? Or do you think marriage really is an obsolete and outdated institution? What have I missed?