Journey to Surrender

I posted a couple times last week on the touchy topic of submission (See “A Picture of Submission” and “The S-word and the F-word”).

I’m moving from the sensitive topic of submission to the downright controversial topic of headship. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!

That’s right, this week I’m talking to husbands about their role in marriage. Listen up, husbands, this week is going to be for you.


My wife will tell you, I’m not one to hold back from saying what I think. That sometimes gets me into a little trouble, but that’s just the way I’m wired.

I’m going to make one of those bold statements right now:

The reason there aren’t more biblical marriages today is not because too few wives are willing to submit to their husbands. It’s because too many husbands are afraid to lead.

Now don’t flame me. I know there are husbands who err on the other side and abuse their authority. I believe that historically that has been a big problem and the main cause of the pendulum swinging so far the other way. But the pendulum has indeed swung.


I think there are several contributing factors to the reticence of so many husbands to assume the mantle of authority that God has placed on them. Some or all of these may apply to you:

• Manliness is not so much admired or celebrated as it is broadly maligned and denigrated in society at large
• Fear of failure, of making wrong decisions or of leading poorly
• Lack of good male role models
• Not knowing how to deal with a strong wife in a way that preserves her strength yet acknowledges your leadership
• Unable or unwilling to defend the biblical notion of a husband’s authority against peer or family pressure. What will they think of me?
• Fear of taking responsibility
• Lack of correct biblical teaching by the church on what constitutes genuine, Christ-like headship
• Unwillingness to do the hard work of leadership. Yes, sometimes it’s hard work.
• Feeling disqualified due to past mistakes.

I may have missed some others, but these are the ones that stand out most to me.


The first step in claiming or reclaiming your proper role is to realize that whether you accept it or not, God has placed you in a role in your marriage. Acknowledge the fact that you have authority, regardless of how or whether you use it.

The next step is to get educated. Thankfully I’m seeing more and more people willing to write truth on the topic of the role of husbands in marriage. Paul Byerly, aka The Generous Husband, wrote a few really good posts in just the last week.

• Being the Head
• Sexual Submission (and Headship)
• How We Do Headship and Submission

I have written a few recommended posts as well:

• Husbands, Lead with Love
• What if My Wife Won’t Let Me Lead?
• Being Both Strong and Good
• Are you Smothering or Covering?

If you read all that and still have questions, please feel free to email me using the Contact tab at the top of this page.

The third step involves a conversation with your wife about all this. Maybe you are afraid to broach the subject for fear of her reaction. Maybe you have been shot down before. I suggest that rather than using generic emotionally charged words like headship, submission and authority, you instead paint a picture for her of what that looks like. It looks like unconditional love. It looks like sacrifice and laying down your life for her. Tell her you want to learn to be both strong and good for the sake of your marriage. Explain that your highest desire is to love her and lead her well.

The final step is to make some concrete changes in the way you do your marriage. Make a specific plan that flows out of the learning you’ve done and the conversations you’ve had. Talk to your wife about your plan, or better yet, just start to lovingly lead her. Here are a few things to consider doing:

• Tell her you want to get a handle on your finances and that you want to sit down together to make a budget.
• Suggest that you pray together. 
• Instead of asking her where she wants to go to dinner, you pick the restaurant – one that you know she enjoys
• Defend her against those who come against her. Make it clear that you are on her side.
• Take a more active role in parenting, demonstrating your love for your kids
• Write her a letter, a love letter; base it on what you have been learning about loving her like Christ loves the church
• Plan a weekend getaway – plant it all: the child care, the packing, what you’ll do. Bonus points if you can pull off a surprise.
• Honor her with your words – every day. Tell her how beautiful she is and how thankful you are that she is your wife.
• Hold her until she makes you let go.

Are you ready to step out and lead? Why not go for it? If God has placed you in authority and given you the responsibility of leading your wife with love, why not set it in your heart to do it well?!

Don’t worry, this post is not about what my somewhat sensational tongue-in-cheek title implies.

However, the S and F words I will be discussing might incite an even stronger reaction than their four-letter-word counterparts. I’m talking about submission and freedom. I’m following up from my last post, A Picture of Submission, where I talked about the many wrong pictures we have of what submission looks like.

Today, I want to dispel one other erroneous, yet pervasive notion about submission. That wrongful notion is that marital submission is somehow akin to enslavement. In fact, I argue that the opposite is true: submission actually brings freedom and power.

Don’t buy it? Read on!

Rick Warren, in a post on his Purpose Drive Blog, says this,

This is true worship: bringing pleasure to God as we give ourselves completely to him.

Of course a wife who lives in submission to her husband is not “worshiping” him, but we do know that her submission in marriage is to mirror her submission to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). In fact, a wife gives her husband pleasure by giving herself completely to him.

But what does she get out of the bargain?


In giving ourselves fully to God, we enjoy the freedom and power that He offers us in exchange.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

The martial parallel of this verse means that when a wife gives herself fully to her husband, as to the Lord, she no longer has to strive to earn his love or fight against his leadership. She knows that she already has his love! All that he has is hers also. So, instead of striving to get his love and acceptance she finds joy from doing things for her husband out of his love and for his pleasure. This is a huge paradigm shift for many.

Submission to the Lord also makes us free to enjoy unbounded intimacy with him. God’s love and grace free us from shame and guilt, so that we have the freedom to come to him boldly and confidently:

In him and through faith in him [Jesus] we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Ephesians 3:12

So too, a wife who yields herself to her husband has the freedom to be naked and unashamed with him. I’m talking about the freedom to be who she really is: spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically – naked yet without any fear or shame before him.

The truth is that a wife will often feel the need to control her husband as a result of fear or shame: fear that she won’t get what she wants or feels entitled to, fear that she won’t be loved and cared for as she desires, driven by shame over her own self-hatred or perceived flaws. The truth is that trying to control other people or manipulate your circumstances makes you a slave to your fears.

Submission, on the other hand, releases you from the need to control, from the natural tendency self-protect and self-promote, and the desire to hide your weaknesses. Submission gives you freedom and peace in a way little else can. As you allow yourself to fall completely into the arms of your husband, you are free to enjoy the blissful  peace that his love and protection provide.

Freedom is Not License

Now let me pause here to remind you that there is a dramatic difference between freedom and license. The freedom that comes from submission does not imply the license to do what you please, how you please, when you please. For more on this, see my post, “Liberty and License in Marriage.”


The other distortion that goes along with the “submission = enslavement” notion is that the wife loses all her power: the power to make her own decisions, the power to be who she is and find fulfillment, the power to reach her destiny.

First of all, let me point out that because biblical submission can only come by choice, as a freely given gift, the power ultimately lays with the wife. It is hers to decide.

Second, I see the marriage relationship as one where power is exchanged rather than shared. Rather than trying to split it all down the middle, 50-50, each should give 100% of themselves to the other. When you both have the understanding that "All I have and all that I am is yours," the question of who has the power becomes moot.

Don’t confuse power and authority. I believe a husband has a God-given place of authority in marriage, but the power that comes with that authority is to be used to serve and bless his wife. Ultimately, he does all in his power to see her fulfilled and to see her reach her destiny in God.

There is also great power in submission, but it is power of a different form. Rather than the direct power that comes from authority, it’s the power of ravishing your husband’s heart. It’s the power of deep and abiding intimacy. It’s the power of propelling your marriage to new heights and of helping to propel your husband into his own destiny in God.

In truth, in submission you are exchanging perceived power for real power. You give up the power to control your husband, which you don’t really have anyway, and you gain the power to capture his heart completely.

You give up the power to live independently from your husband, which you gave up when you decided to marry him anyway, and you gain the power to that comes from joining yourself intimately to him in every way.

There are other exchanges of power to be found in submission, but hopefully you get the idea. When you cede elements of your power to your husband, you get back an altogether different and better kind of power – real power.

What is your own experience with discovering the freedom and power of submission?