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Friday, December 19, 2014

Your spouse doesn't just want more sex, he or she wants more of you.

Don't forget to enter my Friday Freebie giveaway below and win a copy of Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman, a great book for couples. 

How much sex is enough sex? Who gets to decide? Is compromise the best strategy? Which matters more: quantity or quality? What constitutes a good sex life? What about the whole high drive/low drive thing?

These are all good and important questions when it comes to sexual satisfaction in marriage, and yet they only touch the surface of what it means to have a sexually satisfying marriage.

Sex Matters

Back when I started this Gift of Sex series, I explained why sex is so important to a strong, intimate marriage. If you still aren't convinced, go back and read it again. Bottom line: a marriage where either partner is sexually dissatisfied for a prolonged period is a marriage at risk.

Sex matters, because couples say it matters. In my recent poll on the meaning of 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (Who Owns My Body?), 95% of men and 92% of women, agreed or agree strongly that "sex is essential to keep a marriage strong." That's 94% overall. Less than 3% overall disagreed. The other 3% were unsure.

Another startling result was the fact that 98% of men and 97% of women agreed (or strongly agreed) that "It is important for me to know that my spouse desires me sexually."

Sex really matters!

More of You

As can happen for any couple, a few years ago our sex life had become somewhat routine. Due to some physical issues Jenni was having, not only was it routine but also a bit clinical. Yes, we were having sex, but it wasn't passionate or spontaneous. Eventually Jenni picked up on my dissatisfaction. I admitted it was an issue, and I disclosed my desire for "more" to her.

Initially Jenni felt hurt, like I was saying she didn't satisfy me or excite me. She responded by withdrawing, saying that she wasn't what I wanted. It left me feeling sorry I had said anything. But then the Lord broke in and whispered to her, "It's not that you aren't what he wants; it's that he wants more of you."

She asked me if it was true and then, after I said "exactly," she chose to believe it. It's made a dramatic difference not only in our sex life, but in our ability to talk about it more openly, without condemnation or shame creeping in.

Couples whose sex life is less than satisfactory often argue over three kinds of "more:"
  • More frequency
  • More variety and less routine
  • More active engagement from their partner
The three are certainly interrelated, but I'm going to look at them one at a time in subsequent posts.

We'll start next time with the most obvious one: frequency. So check back for some fascinating results on frequency from my recent survey. You won't want to miss The Gift of More Frequent or any of the other coming "more" posts. You can subscribe here to make sure you don't miss any posts.

Meanwhile, enter the giveaway below. If you leave a comment, please note it in RaffleCopter so it counts toward the giveaway. You can tweet about this post once per day for additional entries. Ends Monday at midnight, as usual. 

Whether you enter the giveaway or not, I highly recommend this weeks Friday Freebie as one of the best books on sex from a Christian perspective that I've read, and I've read a lot of books on the subject. It's comprehensive. It's frank. Yet it's written in a open and friendly style. If you buy through my links below on Amazon, you help support this ministry.

Click for Kindle Version or for Paperback Version.

a Rafflecopter giveaway


Andrew said...

For what it's worth, here's a one-percenter viewpoint.

Sex doesn't matter. The promise you made on the wedding day does.

My wife does not want me physically, period. It's not that I'm ugly, or obese, or don't wash, or...worst of all, don't want her, or don't care.

Doesn't matter. The marriage endures, because I DO care, and keeping the promise with a kind and generous heart is way more important than sex.

Is the situation recoverable? No. Not after nearly seven years of physical distance.

But again, it doesn't matter, because I promised to love.

And I do.

Scott said...


Thanks for sharing your perspective and your story. I would have to say that yours is certainly in one-percent category.

You are obviously a man of integrity, who chooses to love your wife and hold to his vows regardless of her decision to sin against you by withholding herself from you physically. But I can't agree with your conclusion that sex doesn't matter, even in your case.

It is my belief that as long as a husband and wife are not enjoying a sexual relationship, they are not living in the fullness of intimacy that God intends and desires for married couples. I would liken it loving God, but deciding never to pray or never to worship or omitting some other dimension of intimacy with God. It is settling for less than fullness in your spiritual life.

Perhaps you won't agree with my analogy. That's okay. i appreciate a diversity of opinion here.

Finally, you say that your situation is unrecoverable. Perhaps so. But I also believe that God's desire is for that area of your marriage to be healed, and I do believe He can work miracles.

Blessings and thanks for stopping by.

Andrew said...

Scott, you're right - it is settling for less than fullness. No argument there.

And the analogy of a lessened relationship with the Almighty is spot-on, given the sacramental nature and purpose of marriage.

But one does what one can; I can control my own feelings, and make the choice for or against resentment, and against or for love.

Whether withholding is a sin - difficult question. We can't know what goes on in the heart of another, and we don't have access to their full life experience. Perhaps there was something triggered, deep in the psyche, that caused it. perhaps not - I'm no psychologist. But in fairness I have to recognize the possibility.

Whether it's too late - you;re right, of course, that anything is possible with God, and a miracle can occur.

But maybe this is also His opportunity, using my story, to say, "Look, there is a way ahead." I would like to think that.

Yours in Christ, yours in hope -


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