Journey to Surrender

Happiness in marriage is a by-product, not a goal.

I've been digging through some 450 posts for the big move to my new website (yes, it's coming!) and found a few gems that I'll be re-posting as Friday Favorites in the coming weeks.

Read on for why pushing responsibility for your happiness onto your spouse is a bad idea, and be sure to check out the insightful TEDTalk.

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I’ve pondered before whether or not happiness is really the right goal for marriage.

Lately I’ve been rethinking the whole question of happiness. I’d like to share my thoughts and get yours.

The following three statements, which may seem at first blush to conflict with each other, are the three happiness axioms I’ve landed on:

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

What does it mean to be happy? Truthfully, for some reason I’ve never much liked that word; it has always seemed a bit shallow to me. I’ve typically thought of happiness as being controlled by external circumstances and therefore fickle and fleeting. I know, I’m weird like that.

But the dictionary says that to be happy is to be “delighted, pleased, or glad” over something or someone. Happiness is “characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy” in response to the things going on around you. These actually all sound like pretty good things.



So after some consideration, I’ve resolved in my mind that happiness isn’t a bad thing at all, but I still don’t believe that we should look at marriage as primarily about our personal degree of happiness.

To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.


I’ve often heard folks blame their spouse for their unhappiness. I’ve heard it used as a reason for divorce. I’ve heard it used to defend some pretty cruel behavior. “I deserve to be happy” is the common mantra.

That doesn’t cut it with me.

I have learned over time that I can’t hold my wife accountable for my happiness. I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it. It’s my choice. My happiness is my responsibility.


By extension, then, my wife is also responsible for her own happiness.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I should act that way. Instead I should purposefully try to make her happy, as best as I know how. I should love her, serve her, lead her and cherish her in ways I know delight her.

Her happiness should be important to me, because we are one, and I get to share in any happiness I bring to her life. How cool is that? Why wouldn’t I want to make her happy?

Both my wife and I know that ultimately God is our only reliable source of happiness.

We find in Jesus all the things that make marriages truly happy and enduring: selflessness, surrender, strength, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness. All these he makes available to us and to our marriages.

So next time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse or with your marriage, realize that you have the power to choose happiness, regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. Realize that love, joy and peace can all be yours by the Holy Spirit. Then turn things around and choose to do something purposefully just to make your spouse happy. I think you’ll be amazed at the good fruit it produces.

I shared this TEDtalk with our small group a few weeks ago (thanks to The Generous Husband). It’s a compelling and humorous case for the fact that we often look to outcomes in order to gain happiness. We say things like “If I work at it then my marriage will get better. And when my marriage gets better, then I’ll be happy.” But that is actually backwards.



Direct TEDTalk Link

Shawn Achor makes the case that by choosing to be happy now, we actually stand a better change of having a better marriage. Fascinating concept. I like it.


What’s do you think of my three axioms of happiness in marriage?

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you
  
  
  

If you don't have the marriage you want, maybe you've been asking the wrong question.

Of course you want to have a great marriage. Who doesn't? But perhaps you feel like you've struggled for years to get there, yet with only limited success.  If so, then this post is for you.

If you don't have the marriage you want, you might need to start by asking a different question. Let me explain using a lesson from the business world.

Start with Why

Leadership and management guru Simon Sinek wrote a book a while back called, "Start With Why." His "Golden Circle" theory is summarized in the following graphic.

Bear with me as I summarize, or you can see Sinek explain it in this TedxTalk.

Inside Out

The basic premise, according to Sinek, is that conventional companies work the gloden circle from the outside in. They focus first on the What - their product or service. Then they spend a lot of time talking about How - the process of delivering that product or service. They rarely talk about Why.

Great companies, Sinek explains, do it backwards. They focus really hard on the Why. Who are we? What are our core values? Why is our Mission important? What do we believe?

From there they move on to the How, which is best examined in light of the Why - the core mission. How do we walk out our core values in light of who we are? The What (product or service) then flows most effectively out of a well-defined Why and How.

Marriage From Inside Out

Conventional marriage thinking goes a lot like conventional business thinking: outside in.

In that case, most couples would say their What is to have a good, strong marriage that lasts a lifetime (or something similar).

The How of marriage is made up of the things we do that we hope will help accomplish our What - that will help ensure a good marriage. Date nights. Good communication. Regular sex. Shared financial goals. Etc.

Now there's nothing wrong with date nights and good communication. And having a great marriage is a good What. The problem is, as is the case in business, it's the wrong question to start with.

It's best to start with the question, "Why?"

The Why of Your Marriage

Sinek equates your Why with your purpose or mission. Consider this question: "Our marriage exists for the purpose of __________."

Here are a few possible Why examples:

• To enjoy maximum intimacy (my personal belief is that intimacy, in every form, is the ultimate goal of marriage)
• To fulfilled our destinies - to ensure that each of us reaches the destiny God has for us
• To walk in oneness - to fully explore and apprehend the benefits of two living as one
• To be an accurate portrayal of Christ and the church - for our marriage to reflect as closely as possible the bridal paradigm

What is the ultimate purpose or mission of your marriage? Have you thought about it? Have you talked about it? It's a great topic for your next date night.

There are also some Why's I would definitley NOT recommend:

• To make me happy
• To complete me
• To have my emotional needs met
• To have as much sex as possible
• To benefit financially

Although these might be an outgrowth of your legitimate Why, they aren't a good place to start.

Rethinking Your Hows

Consider your Hows in light of your Why (once you have established what it is). Do the things you are doing, thinking and saying line up with your mission? What do you need to eliminate or what should you add to your marriage in order to realize your Why?

For example, if intimacy is your ultimate goal, consider whether you are experiencing intimacy in every area of your life. If spiritual intimacy is lacking, make a plan to nurture it. If sexual intimacy hasn't been a priority, make a plan to change that. If you've been living separate financial lives, consider how to join together in your handling of money.

Re-imagine Your What

If your What is to have a great marriage, talk with your spouse specifically about what it would look like if you were to fully live according to your Why.

Using the intimacy Why, what would a marriage with maximum intimacy look like? What characteristics would your marriage have? How would it impact your children or your community? What would be the visible signs that intimacy is at the forefront of your marriage?


Marriage is not a business. It's a unique God-crafted covenant-bearing institution. But I think Sinek's Why-How-What actually applies directly. Get the Why of your marriage right, fill your marriage with the right Hows, and you have a much better chance of a successful What - a great and lasting marriage.

What do you think of applying the Golden Circle to marriage? Does it work for you? Would you like to share your Why with us? Let us hear from you in a comment.

Love is not simply an emotion you feel. It’s something you choose to wear.

Today's Friday Favorite comes in honor of "The Day of Love" - Valentine's Day.

Sadly, the word "love" is so much overused today that it's lost most of its meaning. Valentines Day marketers make it even worse. In this season, it seems especially important to consider what love actually means, and, more importantly, how we show love.

Today I'm revisiting two posts I wrote as part of my "Dress for Success" series, based on the Colossians 3:9-14 passage that describes how we are to put on our "new self," adorning ourselves with things like patience, kindness, and humility. The New Living Translation of this passage concludes with how we are to put on love above all else:

The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Col 3:14 (NLT)

But what does it mean to "put on love?" Read on...

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Did you ever think of love as something you choose to put on, something you wear on purpose?

I love that image, because it refutes the notion that love is just something you feel or don’t feel, a giddy emotion that might be there one day and gone the next.  When you limit love to an emotion, it makes it fickle and fleeting. And if this is love, then it is easy to put the onus of “staying in love” on our partner and their behavior.

When you think of love as something you wear on a daily basis it completely changes the game. It becomes a personal choice.

Where Do You Learn to Wear Love?

How do you put on love? Let me point you to a fabulous piece of advice from scripture. It’s one that I quote often around here:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

Love like that - like Jesus. Yeah, that’s it. He is where you learn to love. Extravagant. Selfless. Giving everything for the sake of intimacy with us. He held nothing back tp pursue His bride. Neither should we hold back in pursuing our spouse.

I’m not kidding about how important getting to know Jesus' love is! The best way to put on love is to put on Jesus. And to do that, you have to know him and be a student of his love.  Here's how the Apostle Paul sums it up a few chapters earlier.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV)

The key to fullness in life is also the key to fullness in marriage. Paul makes it clear in this passage that we cannot fully know the dimensions of Christ’s love. It’s a lifelong pursuit. Don’t assume you get it. You don’t. I don’t. We can't. It’s impossible. There is always much more that can be revealed to our “inner being” by the Holy Spirit.

Ten Ways to Dress Yourself with Love

Before I give my list, be aware that your spouse’s love languages play into this greatly (see suggestion one!). What looks like a really nice love outfit to you is likely not the same to your spouse. To wear love well, you have to be a student not only of Jesus and how he loves, but of your husband or wife and what love means to them. This is HUGELY important!

1. Take the five love languages quiz together if you haven’t already. Do something specific this week to meet your spouse’s top need.
2. If you are a lower drive wife, pursue your husband by wearing something sexy to bed or by initiating sex. Husbands, pursue your wife by asking her on a date and making all the arrangement or paying her genuine compliments on her appearance, character or deeds. See more pursuit tips on this post.
3. Choose to make a sacrifice of your own preference in order to honor your spouse’s preference, like picking a movie they would rather watch or a restaurant they would rather go to. But don't play the martyr! See the Relevant Magazine article: What does Laying Down Your Life Really Mean? 
4. Do something to serve your husband or wife. Do a chore of theirs they’ve been meaning to get to for a while. Serve him or her breakfast in bed. Thank your spouse for something her or she did to selflessly serve you recently. 
5. Put your love down on paper. By this I mean write a love letter (not in an email, but using real paper, written by hand). Do it out of the blue, for no special reason except to convey your love. Husbands without the gift of prose can check this link from The Art of Manliness. Here is a link of suggestions for wives from The Intimate Couple.
6. Share the gift of non-sexual touch. Hold hands. Walk arm in arm. Hug. Give a neck or foot massage while you are watching TV. Be generous with your touch.
7. Ask an intimate question and be ready to really listen. Husbands, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel unloved?”  Wives, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel disrespected?”
8. Give public praise to your spouse. Brag on him or her in front of others. Post a picture of something great they did on Facebook. Tweet your undying devotion. See my post: The Power of Public Praise.
9. Practice listening well. Make eye contact. Be empathetic. Don’t try to fix everything, but be willing to just be a compassionate shoulder.
10. Say "I love you"!!  Regularly tell your spouse how much you love and adore him or her. Say it often. Don’t assume they know. And say specifically why!

Of course this list is only a small starting point. Hopefully it got your own creative juices flowing and you will be able to come up with many more ways to put on love for your spouse.

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Let me leave you with an amazing YouTube video story of how discovering the meaning of love through encountering Jesus' love and grace restored on couple's marriage.


Can't see the video? Click here.

When you say "As you wish," what you are really saying is "I love you."

I'm excited to share with you a guest post by my lovely wife, Jenni.

Although the post is mostly slanted toward wives in the "empty nest" stage of marriage, the insights she shares can be applied to any life stage.

Don't forget to come back next week for part two of this fabulous Wives Only Wednesday post!

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by Jenni Means

I recently had the privilege of speaking for a group of fellow empty-nester wives on the subject of marriage.  Not only am I an empty-nester wife, but I am also a movie buff (especially old ones!)  So to kick off our evening I showed the following clip from a classic, The Princess Bride.


Can't see the video?  Click here.

In this great opening scene we discover that “As you wish” actually is another way of saying “I love you!”

This is a gift that we can give our husbands at any stage of our marriage, but I suggest it is increasingly important in the later years.

In keeping with the Bridal Paradigm our husbands are doing their best to love us sacrificially, laying down their lives for us.  We are endeavoring to love them by allowing them to lead us in this surrendered love lifestyle. We look to Jesus as our example for what love looks like, “Not my will, but Yours be done” or in other words, “As You Wish”.

Choosing "As You Wish"

“As You Wish” can’t be an obligation, or a duty.  For it to mean “I Love You” it must be a choice, a gift.  It says you matter to me and I am willing to put your wants above my own.

• It is sacrificial.
• It is respect.
• It will probably often involve sex. (Or sex often, teehee!)
• It is not about “rights”
• It is a gift you and you alone can give your spouse.

It is awesome when our husbands lead in giving the gift of “As You Wish” and it sure makes it easier for us to also give when this is the case.  But I want to challenge you to not focus on what isn’t.  We can’t control anyone but ourselves, no matter how hard we try.

Giving the gift of “As You Wish” makes you powerful.  It is you making a choice and carrying it out. You are choosing to love as you would like to be loved and as you are loved by God.
Fighting for our own way isn’t worth it. It’s not even enjoyable when we “win” that battle. And you don’t want things to be even. Such a win-lose view makes no sense because you and your husband are one!

My wonderful husband has posted before on the statistics of what our husbands say they need most from their wives. The chart below shows the things that husbands say they need most from their wives.  (The dark blue bars show the percent of  husbands who chose each as their top need. The pink bars represent the percentage of wives who chose that same need as most important.  Click the chart to enlarge it.)
One of the top two needs, sex, is no surprise.  But I find that over and over again wives are surprised about the great importance respect is to our men, and they are equally surprised by what that looks like.

This week we'll take a closer look at one of the top two needs of husbands: respect.

Respect

As we enter the second half of our lives, I believe that respect becomes increasingly important to our husbands. Chances are they are not going to be the young hot shot at work. No matter how great they are at keeping up with technology there’s a good chance a younger person will surpass them in some areas. They are not dinosaurs but a gold mine of experience, and they need us, their wives, to reflect their value and awesomeness back at them.

They can’t make themselves young again, but they still need to feel like a hero, our hero. Age does not change our feelings for them. They are still our hot shot and hero.  We see them as they really are and let them know with our words.

As our husbands age, they need more respect than usual, and usual is more than you think!

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When you give your husband the gift of "As you wish," you are saying that you respect his preferences and honor his wishes. It also communicates your trust and your confidence that he will choose wisely. It says to him that you believe in his leadership.

Yes, "As you wish" shows your man the respect he needs.

Next week Jenni will be back with part two of this post: The Gift of As You Wish in the Bedroom. Don't miss it!

Meanwhile, if you have communicated respect to your husband with an "As you wish, " we'd love to hear about it. Share it in a comment.

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Related Post: From Shiela Gregoire - Why It Can Be Hard to Respect Your Husband

I have two primary passions: marriage and worship. The truth is I've been a worship leader and musician for much longer than I've been involved in marriage ministry, but I don't tend to touch on that here very often.

So when I found something on Facebook that brings music and marriage together, I just had to share it.

This video beautifully portrays the truth that, in marriage, two become one. Watch and be amazed.



Here are a few marriage lessons I can see:

• Two can create something that one cannot hope to create alone.
• Both parts are critical to the song's beauty and effectiveness. 
• It's okay if, sometimes, one carries the song alone for a short time.
• Staying in sync requires you to give as much attention to listening as to playing the song
• Confidence and trust in one another is essential.
• Sometimes you need to make room for one another.

Sign up for my posts by email and get the Intimacy Challenge for free!

If you have never done my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge, this month would be a perfect time to do it. In fact, I suggest you give the challenge to your wife or husband as a gift for Valentine's Day.

In my last post I gave you some great ideas for romancing your spouse this Valentine's Day, and I promised one more idea that tops them all. Trust me, The 14 Day Challenge will do your marriage a lot more good than flowers or candy ever could! 

Take the Challenge, Give the Challenge

How can you give the challenge as a gift? Well, it starts by signing up to get my posts by email. In return you get the download links to both the husband's and the wife's edition of the 14 Day Intimacy Challenge e-book.

Download the challenge and print out the cover page. Put the cover page in an envelope and give it to your husband or wife on Valentine's Day. You can explain as much or as little about the challenge as you wish.

Then, for the next fourteen days, which conveniently fits into the remaining days in February, do the daily challenge. The challenge for each day has three parts: Think, Do, and Ask. Each day is designed to get you to think, act and speak in ways the build the physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy in your marriage.

Here is what a few who have taken the challenge have said:

Thank you for such a wonderful marriage building exercise!

Thank you for the helpful tips and advice. It has really helped us grow closer together!

Thank you for your investment in marriage. Many need this type of encouragement and advice!

Whether you give/take the challenge as a gift or not, sign up today to get my posts by email using the form on the side bar.

(Note: if you are reading this by email and are already a subscriber, simply send me an email reply and let me know whether you want the husband's or wife's challenge and I'll send it to you right away.)

An Alternate Challenge

As an alternative to (or in addition to) my 14-Day Intimacy Challenge, marriage blogging friends Brad and Kate Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage are running their annual 10 Day Sex Challenge during the days leading up to Valentine's Day. It's a great way to put sex on the front burner of your marriage. Hurry up and get on board. It start February 4th!

Here are Brad and Kate in a video that gives ten reasons you should take the sex challenge:

Direct YouTube link

If "a kiss is just a kiss" then you are doing it wrong.

I first saw that tweeted many months ago. I agree wholeheartedly!

In case you didn't catch the reference, it is from the 1942 classic movie Casablanca. The famous song "As Time Goes By" is prominently featured in the movie, the first few lines of which are:

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

You can catch one of the more famous scenes featuring the song by clicking below.

What Is a Kiss?

So if a kiss is not just a kiss, then what is it?

To me, a kiss is:

• An intimate physical expression of the oneness you share
• A publicly acceptable way of showing affection for your spouse
• Eliminates emotional space between your by eliminating physical space
• As close as you can get to each other without actually having sex
• A great way to keep your physical relationship on simmer
• A cheap, fat-free, sugar-free, guilt-free treat. It can, however, be habit forming

Kisses Speak Louder Than Words

I posted a while back about how your eyes speak volumes to your spouse (The Eyes Have It). Well, a kiss speaks even more loudly that your eyes.

It may sound strange, but I can typically tell pretty accurately where my wife is emotionally by how she kisses me. A little, tight-lipped peck says, "There is emotional distance between us right now" or "I'm distracted." A short, casual kiss says, "I love you." If she wraps her arms around me with the kiss, she is adding, "And I'm so glad you're mine." A nice long passionate kiss says, "I desire you."

What are your kisses saying to your spouse? Do you convey your love with your lips? Frequently?

If you aren't the kissing kind, I suggest you rethink that. Kissing is a really important way of connecting physically outside the bedroom. Challenge yourself to up get your lips engaged in your relationship.

Bonus: use your eyes AND your lips. Look lovingly into your spouses eyes as you approach for the kiss. Or afterward share a warm, lingering glance and a smile of appreciation. Sizzle.

Why We Kiss

Science Daily claims that a University of Albany study "found sex differences in the importance and type of kissing. Males tended to kiss as a means to an end -- to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner."  

Both of these point to what males and females are usually looking to get  when they kiss, but in truth, kissing should also be about giving. Giving your love. Giving your emotional vulnerability. Giving your self. Oh, and every once in a while it's okay to kiss your spouse in a way that says, "You are mine!"

Next time I'll be offering a kissing primer to encourage you to amp up your kissing prowess and infuse your marriage with a little more passion.

Let me leave you with this little scene from another movie. It's the ending of The Princess Bride, involving the best kiss since the invention of the kiss.

So what about you, are you a kisser? On a scale of 1-10 , how important is kissing in your marriage? What does kissing do for you and for your marriage? Let's hear it. Leave a comment.

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The August issue of "Pathways," my monthly newsletter completely focused on building the intimacy in your marriage. Go check out this issue, The Intersection of Intimacy and Technology.

If you didn't yet watch the video from my last post, do it now. Really, you'll be glad you did.  Here's the link: True Love Video

This video touches me especially deeply, because my wife and I cared for my mom for seven years in our home as she relentlessly declined into the grip of Alzheimer's Disease.  We eventually sat by her side in a nursing facility as she slipped into the arms of Jesus in 2008, free at last from the dreadful disease that robbed her of her speech, her dignity, her kind and gentle demeanor, and most of all the family whom she loved so dearly.

My wife and I know first hand the price the devoted husband in the video pays on a daily basis.

I recognize this love - this real, selfless and sacrificial love. I watched as my wife served my mom in many of these same ways, with the same kind of amazing love, a love that can only come from God. It was typically my wife who bore the brunt of my mom's delusional accusations and bizarre behavior, yet she often laid aside her hurt and frustration, at times not even telling me of the many hard things that happened while I was at work.

My wife will tell you she was no saint - that she often struggled with the invasion of her home by another (less than stable) woman. Yet she knew we had been called by the Lord to care for my mom. I watched my wife's willing obedience to that calling, her sacrifice of love, over years and years.

My dear wife genuinely loved my mother, even when she was really no longer the same person she had been. In truth, I know that my wife's willingness to obey the Lord's calling was also out of the deep love she has for me.  Ultimately, though, it was her love for Jesus and the love of Jesus that allowed her to follow his voice in the journey with my mom.

You Carry the Love of Christ

Why do I tell you all this?

Throughout this True Love series, I've been telling you  about how you should love your spouse like Jesus loves His bride. If you are like me, you probably find yourself reacting with both amazement and impossibility to the love of Christ. There's a definite, "that's fantastic!" followed shortly by "I could never love like that." 

I've come to discover that loving my wife in the same way Jesus loves me is completely impossible to do in my own human strength. Fortunately, that's not what God asks of me. Because the living Christ dwells within us, the Holy Spirit empowers us to love way beyond our own abilities.

Both for the husband in the video, caring for his wife, and for my wife, as she cared or my mom, the source of their love was clearly God.

He is Love, after all. It's who He is. And we have that love in us because He is in us.

It can only be supernatural love that causes a husband to care for his wife way beyond simply meeting her physical needs - doing what she cannot do for herself. I love the image above, a frame taken from the video. Not only does this man have a custom bike made that allows them to continue to bike together, as they have all their marriage long, but he fastens a crown to her helmet. Look closely and you'll see it.

It's a statement to her - and a reminder to him - that she is still, and will always be, his "Princess."

Do you sometimes smack up against the hard reality that loving like Christ is an impossible task? Ask God to awaken your heart to the reality that this very love lies within you, and ask Him to help you live in that reality.

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If you missed some of my True Love series, I've included the links below. You'll recognize many of these love characteristics from video:

1. True Love Puts Relationship Ahead of Rules 
2. True Love Pursues Relentlessly 
3. True Love Doesn't Expect Something in Return 
4. True Love Serves 
5. True Love Redeems

I’ve pondered before whether or not happiness is really the right goal for marriage.

Lately I’ve been rethinking the whole question of happiness. I’d like to share my thoughts and get yours.

The following three statements, which may seem at first blush to conflict with each other, are the three happiness axioms I’ve landed on:

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

What does it mean to be happy? Truthfully, for some reason I’ve never much liked that word; it has always seemed a bit shallow to me. I’ve typically thought of happiness as being controlled by external circumstances and therefore fickle and fleeting. I know, I’m weird like that.

But the dictionary says that to be happy is to be “delighted, pleased, or glad” over something or someone. Happiness is “characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy” in response to the things going on around you. These actually all sound like pretty good things.



So after some consideration, I’ve resolved in my mind that happiness isn’t a bad thing at all, but I still don’t believe that we should look at marriage as primarily about our personal degree of happiness.

To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.


I’ve often heard folks blame their spouse for their unhappiness. I’ve heard it used as a reason for divorce. I’ve heard it used to defend some pretty cruel behavior. “I deserve to be happy” is the common mantra.

That doesn’t cut it with me.

I have learned over time that I can’t hold my wife accountable for my happiness. I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it. It’s my choice. My happiness is my responsibility.


By extension, then, my wife is also responsible for her own happiness.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I should act that way. Instead I should purposefully try to make her happy, as best as I know how. I should love her, serve her, lead her and cherish her in ways I know delight her.

Her happiness should be important to me, because we are one, and I get to share in any happiness I bring to her life. How cool is that? Why wouldn’t I want to make her happy?

Both my wife and I know that ultimately God is our only reliable source of happiness.

We find in Jesus all the things that make marriages truly happy and enduring: selflessness, surrender, strength, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness. All these he makes available to us and to our marriages.

So next time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse or with your marriage, realize that you have the power to choose happiness, regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. Realize that love, joy and peace can all be yours by the Holy Spirit. Then turn things around and choose to do something purposefully just to make your spouse happy. I think you’ll be amazed at the good fruit it produces.

I shared this TEDtalk with our small group a few weeks ago (thanks to The Generous Husband). It’s a compelling and humorous case for the fact that we often look to outcomes in order to gain happiness. We say things like “If I work at it then my marriage will get better. And when my marriage gets better, then I’ll be happy.” But that is actually backwards.



Direct TEDTalk Link


Shawn Achor makes the case that by choosing to be happy now, we actually stand a better change of having a better marriage. Fascinating concept. I like it.


What’s do you think of my three axioms of happiness in marriage?

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you