Journey to Surrender

Happiness in marriage is a by-product, not a goal.

I've been digging through some 450 posts for the big move to my new website (yes, it's coming!) and found a few gems that I'll be re-posting as Friday Favorites in the coming weeks.

Read on for why pushing responsibility for your happiness onto your spouse is a bad idea, and be sure to check out the insightful TEDTalk.

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I’ve pondered before whether or not happiness is really the right goal for marriage.

Lately I’ve been rethinking the whole question of happiness. I’d like to share my thoughts and get yours.

The following three statements, which may seem at first blush to conflict with each other, are the three happiness axioms I’ve landed on:

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

What does it mean to be happy? Truthfully, for some reason I’ve never much liked that word; it has always seemed a bit shallow to me. I’ve typically thought of happiness as being controlled by external circumstances and therefore fickle and fleeting. I know, I’m weird like that.

But the dictionary says that to be happy is to be “delighted, pleased, or glad” over something or someone. Happiness is “characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy” in response to the things going on around you. These actually all sound like pretty good things.



So after some consideration, I’ve resolved in my mind that happiness isn’t a bad thing at all, but I still don’t believe that we should look at marriage as primarily about our personal degree of happiness.

To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.


I’ve often heard folks blame their spouse for their unhappiness. I’ve heard it used as a reason for divorce. I’ve heard it used to defend some pretty cruel behavior. “I deserve to be happy” is the common mantra.

That doesn’t cut it with me.

I have learned over time that I can’t hold my wife accountable for my happiness. I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it. It’s my choice. My happiness is my responsibility.


By extension, then, my wife is also responsible for her own happiness.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I should act that way. Instead I should purposefully try to make her happy, as best as I know how. I should love her, serve her, lead her and cherish her in ways I know delight her.

Her happiness should be important to me, because we are one, and I get to share in any happiness I bring to her life. How cool is that? Why wouldn’t I want to make her happy?

Both my wife and I know that ultimately God is our only reliable source of happiness.

We find in Jesus all the things that make marriages truly happy and enduring: selflessness, surrender, strength, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness. All these he makes available to us and to our marriages.

So next time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse or with your marriage, realize that you have the power to choose happiness, regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. Realize that love, joy and peace can all be yours by the Holy Spirit. Then turn things around and choose to do something purposefully just to make your spouse happy. I think you’ll be amazed at the good fruit it produces.

I shared this TEDtalk with our small group a few weeks ago (thanks to The Generous Husband). It’s a compelling and humorous case for the fact that we often look to outcomes in order to gain happiness. We say things like “If I work at it then my marriage will get better. And when my marriage gets better, then I’ll be happy.” But that is actually backwards.



Direct TEDTalk Link

Shawn Achor makes the case that by choosing to be happy now, we actually stand a better change of having a better marriage. Fascinating concept. I like it.


What’s do you think of my three axioms of happiness in marriage?

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you
  
  
  

Feeding your soul is just as important as feeding your body.

Face it, we are all too busy. There isn't time enough for all the "have to's" much less time for the optional enriching pleasures of life.

You take time to feed your body, because you'll die if you don't. But did you know that you also need to take time to feed your soul? Did you even know that was a thing? Trust me, it is. It's an important thing. To me it's just as important as feeding your body.

If you don't feed your soul, it will become sick and withered, just as your body would if you neglected to feed it for too long.

What Makes You You

I've heard a lot of people express opinions about the differences between heart, soul, flesh, spirit, etc. I'm not a theological expert, and I don't really want to dig deep into Greek and Hebrew definitions, but to me, in simplest terms, I think of your soul as the essence of who you are: your intellect, your personality, your quirks, your likes and dislikes, your emotional constitution, your aspirations and dreams.

Despite what some may say, I don't think the soul is inherently evil or good. It's clear from the Bible that your soul can be influenced positively or negatively. Obviously we want to feed our souls with good stuff.  It's important not to just ignore your soul as being "non-spiritual," because when you do, you will gradually become less and less who you really are. When lose touch with what makes us feel alive, our souls wither.

Ten Ways to feed your soul

So how can we tend our souls in a positive way? Of course there is the important aspect to keep our souls in submission to the Holy Spirit. I'll touch on that more in another post, but there are also ways to feed your soul that aren't inherently "spiritual."  (Side note: in actuality, everything is spiritual, but that's for later).

Here are ten ways I came up with to keep your soul healthy:

1. The Beauty of God's Creation - Jenni and I have discovered that we need to regularly look on natural beauty. For us that often means renting a cabin in the mountains with a beautiful mountain view. The photo above is from a recent trip to California, where we got to enjoy lots of beautiful sights.
2. Contemplate Other Kinds of Beauty - Beauty is not just found in nature. For some beauty may be found in art or in a cityscape. Find the kind of beauty that brings you alive and make sure you regularly spend time gazing upon it.
3. Music that Touches Something Inside You - Music has a way of touching our souls in a powerful way. While many of us enjoy music as we rush from here to there, how often do you delibertely still  yourself and really listen? Try it.
4. Exercise Your Brain - If you love to learn, take time to stimulate your mind. Visit a museum. Study the history of a region or country. Read up on a topic that interests you. Listen to a TED talk.
5. Tickle your Funny Bone - Laughter is good for your soul. When was the last time you laughed uncontrollably?
6. Relax - I'm a driven person, and sometimes have to make a real effort to truly relax. While you are doing any of these things to feed your soul, try to turn off your mental to-do list or worry about all the things are not getting done while you are feeding your soul.
7. Play a Game - Jenni and I have found a board game that we really enjoy together. It's the right mix of strategy and luck that we both like playng it. There is something about a physical game (as opposed to an electronic one) that feeds our souls differently.  And it's something we can do together.
8. Create Something - I have several creative hobbies (songwriting and woodworking) that I no longer have time for (or perhaps I should say no longer make time for). How about you? Maybe it's time to figure out how we can regularly make room for at least a little of creativity.
9. Enjoy a Meal With Good Friends - I'm not really a foodie, but I do like to eat and drink a good beer. And a meal is a good way to connect with friends as a couple.
10. Make a Difference - Is there a cause you feel strongly about? Doing something for others that makes a difference is a great way to bring your soul to life.

Do any of these strike a chord with you? Are there other things you do to feed your soul? Can you do at least some of these together as a couple? Let us hear how you feed your soul. Leave a comment.

Kindness is like a warm tropical breeze blowing through your marriage.

Love is kind. At least that's how the Bible talks about love in 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter.
It's surprisingly easy to let a pattern of unkindness seep into your marriage. Little annoyances become big ones over time. Unmet needs cause bitterness to settle in. Even if unkindness doesn't characterize your marriage, would you and your spouse specifically describe each other as kind?

I'm not sure I have always appreciated the power of kindness to change the climate of my marriage. I used to be a lot more focused on myself, my circumstances and what I was getting from my wife. All of these affected my happiness and in turn, the amount of kindness I expressed.

When things were going well and I was happy, kindness came pretty easily. But if I was stressed or not feeling like my wife was doing all the things I thought she should to make me happy, I could easily let my pricklies come out. I think I treated kindness like a kind of reward. If I felt kindly, then fine, I'd be kind. If not, then frankly, I could be pretty unpleasant to be around.

Over the years, however, I've discovered that the cool thing about kindness is that isn't really all that difficult or costly. Regardless of whether I'm "feeling it" or not, all it takes is a little bit of awareness and intentionality.

Show a Little Kindness

Kindness doesn't need to come in the form of grand gestures. Here are a few small, simple ways to show kindness to your spouse.

Smile - Even after almost 33 years of marriage, my wife's smile still melts me to the core. Fortunately, she smiles easily and often. There is a look in her eyes when she smiles at me with kindness and love that warms my heart. You can do the same for your spouse.

Touch - Touch ranks high on my love language list. Same for my wife. But even if your primary love language doesn't include physical touch, it's still a powerful act of kindness. Sit close together, knees and thighs touching. Hold hands while you walk. Lightly touch your spouse's arm or the hair on his or her neck. Give a gentle back or neck massage. When we touch our brain releases Oxycontin, a powerful bonding chemical.

Encouragement - When kindness is lacking in your marriage, words of encouragement can go a long way to cause a shift. Text your spouse short bits of encouragement throughout the day.  "I love you."  "I'm praying for you." "Thanks for last night [wink]."  Make a phone call just to check in and say you were thinking about your spouse. Put a post-it note on your spouse's mirror with a kind thought, a word of appreciation or an encouraging scripture verse.

Sift Your Tone - Research suggests that more information is received by how you say something than by the words you use. Sure, words are important but your tone probably does more to convey kindness (or the opposite) than you realize. I know when I'm tired or stressed, I sometimes have an edginess to my tone that can convey things I don't intend to my wife. It's at these times I have to be more aware of how I'm saying things. It's not always easy. It helps to watch  your spouse's reaction to what you say in order to detect that you've sent unintended meaning by your tone or words. Be willing to admit it and make it right.

Grace - Our natural reaction to unkindness (intentional or not) is to react with unkindness in return. After all, we feel justified. The problem is that this only ups the ante in the discord and causes an escalation in the conflict, inviting more unkindness. But when we react with grace and forgiveness, it will deescalate the conflict and inject positive direction in the conversation. As I often say, grace is an invitation to intimacy. I'm not suggesting you allow your spouse to walk all over you, but I've observed that a lot of the unkindness in marriage is unintentional, so start with that assumption.

The Climate Changing Power of Kindness

Here's the coolest thing of all about kindness: when I'm in a funk of some kind, being kind toward my wife actually helps to lift me out of it. Yes, intentional kindness actually changes the climate of my marriage, of our home and in, in turn, within myself.

Further, when I'm having a hard time for whatever reason and my wife extends kindness to me in the face of my prickliness, it often melts off those prickles.

Want to take the chill out of the air of your marriage? Try intentionally blowing a little kindness into your relationship and watch things warm up!

What other simple ways have you and your spouse found to show kindness to each other? Leave a comment and share your ideas.

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PS  In case you missed it, Part 1 of my Climate Change series is about the power of Affirmation.

Next Climate Changer: Prayer

Are you aware of how the things you think, say and do affect the climate in your marriage?

It's pretty easy to get into autopilot mode in your marriage. It's also pretty dangerous!

When you get stuck in autopilot, the climate in your marriage can begin to deteriorate without you really even noticing. That's why I say that staying watchful over your marriage is so important.

Today is the first in a series of posts about how to intentionally improve the climate in your marriage. And we begin with affirmation.
Affirmation: a Big Fat Yes!

If you are familiar with the 5 Love Languages developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, then you know that words of affirmation is one of the five. But even if this is not one of your spouse's primary love languages, affirming words can help change the climate of your marriage.

Dr. Chapman's Love Language Devotion describes it this way. "We allow the emotions of hurt, disappointment, and anger to keep us from speaking positive words to each other, or maybe we simply get stuck in a pattern of negative comments. As a result, distance and dissatisfaction grow." He goes on to say, "Positive words can change the emotional atmosphere in a marriage. We need to look for something good in our spouse and affirm it."

I love how vocabulary.com describes affirmation as "a big fat YES!"

Affirmation is a climate changer! Affirmation is our hearty agreement with good. It's a wholehearted endorsement that gives encouragement and creates positive momentum in your marriage.

Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

More Than What They Do

Affirmation is more than just appreciating what your spouse does for you. Sure, that kind of outward thankfulness is important and helpful.  But affirmation has an even grater impact on the climate of your marriage when it is actually about who they are, not just what they do.

Affirmation of who they are can take many forms:

• Their character or integrity.  "I so appreciate that I can totally trust you with ______."
• The good things you see in their heart. "I just love the way you care for other people."
• Their abilities and talents.  "You are such an amazing problem solver."
• Their personality.  "It lifts my heart the way you see the good in everything and everyone."
• Their appearance. "Your eyes are stunning."
• Their destiny.  "I just know you'll make an amazing team leader when you get that promotion."

You Get Me!

When you affirm who your spouse is with a big fat yes, it tells your spouse that you see who they are. And it tells them that you like what you see. "You get me!  And you like me!"

When you and your spouse both understand and affirm each other, it is a double blessing that a creates a wonderful and lasting positive change in the climate of your marriage.


Next up in this Climate Change Series: Kindness

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Yes, the headline is intentionally provocative. Stay with me while I explain why you might need to quit trying in your marriage. Trust me, I'm not talking about reaching for the escape hatch. Actually, it is quite the opposite.

I recently listened to a podcast by Michael Hyatt that resonated with me, and I thought I'd share it with you, because it has great implications for marriage.

Michael's suggestion is that we commit to eliminating the word "try" from our vocabulary. You see, the problem with "try" is that it leaves you an easy out, a convenient back door, a ready excuse for not accomplishing something. 

Compare these two statements that a husband might make:

• "I am going to try to love my wife more selflessly."
• "I am going to do whatever it takes to love my wife more selflessly."

If you were a wife, which of these would you rather hear your husband say? The second statement means he is all in; that he won't accept anything less than achieving the goal of becoming more selfless in the way he loves his wife. It represents comittment and determination. The first statement; not so much.

While putting away the word "try" from your discourse, especially where your marriage is concerned, may seem like a semantic game, I think it represents the state of mind you should have when you set goals in your marriage.

Do or Do Not

There is a great scene in the original Star Wars movie that speaks directly to this idea of not trying any more.  In the scene, Yoda, the wise Jedi master, is training Luke, the young and immature Jedi Knight. When Luke fails at a task assigned to him by Yoda, he initially wants to give up. At the master's encouragement, Luke reluctantly says he will try again. At his point Yoda makes his famous statement:

Do or do not, there is no try.

There is power in deciding to go for it. A 100% commitment to a goal creates confidence and inspiration in yourself and others. The truth is that failure is much more likely when you don't have a strong commitment. Settling in  your heart to accomplish something causes you to get creative and to seek alternatives to quitting when the going gets tough.

Tired of Trying?

Some of you may have been in long seasons of trying to improve your marriage. Some of you are tired of trying and tired of waiting for things to get better. Maybe you are in a largely sexless marriage. Maybe you are longing for your spouse to join you on your faith journey. Maybe you lack the emotional intimacy that you know is possible.

Stop believing in impossibility and start believing that in God all things are possible. God is the business of making the impossible possible.

Whatever the desire is, regardless of how long it's been, let me suggest you reset your heart and mind. Here are a few things to do:

1. State the goal in clear, try-free, I-centered terms

Create a statement that demonstrates your commitment to the goal. Include terms like "whatever it takes," "no matter what," or "until I see breakthrough."

Don't set goals for your partner. You have no doubt heard it said that you can't change your spouse. Since you are the only person in your marriage that you have control over, it only makes sense to set goals for yourself. Even goals for your relationship should be slanted toward your part in the outcome.

2. Define what it looks like

Relationship goals can be a bit ambiguous to define. Things like better communication, deeper intimacy and more selflessness are great goals, but they lack clarity and may not lead you to the specific steps you need to take.

So in addition to the goal, go into some detail about what having accomplished the goal would look like. Again, focus on your contribution to the goal and don't put a bunch of expectations on your spouse.

3. Commit it to prayer

Prayer changes things. Regular intercession on behalf of your marriage toward the accomplishment of your goal helps you realize that you are not alone in your pursuits.  Realize that God is for you and for your marriage. Submit your heart's desire to him in prayer, and listen to what he says to you about it. I believe God has divine strategies to impart to you.

4. Take consistent action

Look for every small opportunity to move toward your goal. Small steps, taken consistently, will get you there more reliably than the occasional giant leap. Yes, giant leaps can and do happen, but these are more likely to occur when you are doing the daily business of being faithful to what you committed to.

What do you commit to quite trying on? Leave a comment.



PS  If you want to listen to the original Michael Hyatt podcast for yourself, click this link.

Take small steps every day to positively change the culture of your marriage.

As I said last time, the future course of your marriage will be greatly influenced by its culture. Your marriage culture is defined by the beliefs, values, attitudes, achievements and activities that surround your marriage. I tossed out some questions around these in my last post, hoping to prompt you to give some consideration to your current culture.

The Middle French origin of the word culture comes from "cultivate" and is associated with tending, guarding and tilling. Think of culture of your marriage is like a garden: the way you cultivate the soil of your marriage will determine the health of the fruit and the beauty of the flowers it produces.

Want a healthy, beautiful marriage? Check your culture!

Regardless of where your marriage culture is at this point, below I'll offer three simple ideas that will be a positive influence on it. You might be in a marriage where you feel like you are one making all the effort. I understand that it's a hard place to be, but the truth is that you can influence the culture of your marriage in a positive way without your spouse buying into the need for change. Of course it's better if both of you work on your culture together. Progress will be easier if you are both pulling in the same direction, but you have more power than you think you do.

I'm going to suggest that you do each of these three simple things every day for two weeks. Do them regardless of your spouse's reaction or lack of one.

1)  Do Something Generous

Especially after you've been married a long time, it's easy to fall into a habit of doing things for your spouse and expecting something in return. It's pretty natural, but that's not the kind of generosity I'm suggesting here. Find some small, deliberate act that you know your spouse would appreciate and do it solely with the intention to bless him or her. Do it with a smile and warm heart (they will know if you are doing it reluctantly).

Your act of kindness doesn't have to be anything huge. In fact, it's better and more sustainable if it's not. You know your spouse better than anyone else, so you probably already know how to bless them. Just get intentional about doing the things you know they would appreciate. Brainstorm a little and make a list.

For example, many wives appreciate things like five or ten minutes of focused time together, a date night that you plan, a surprise communication from you (text, email, phone call) during the day "just because" If you know she is worn out (or even if she isn't), give her a or a neck or foot rub, lend a hand with the kids or housework, bring her a cup of tea or glass of wine and insist that she rest, or draw her a bath. Bring her a small gift or treat that lets her know your were thinking of her during the day. Offer to pray with her.

For many husbands, having you initiate sexual intimacy is high on their list. If that feels like too much for where you are, try just wearing an outfit you know he likes or his favorite scent. Non-sexual touch, like holding hands, sitting close, or a back rub are things like that say to him "I love you, and I care about you our physical closeness." Learn to flirt a little. Give him a warm greeting when he comes home. Even if you can't always follow through, showing your husband this kind of attention will go a long way.

Do something that shows respect, which is a key need for most husbands. If you tend to be strongly opinionated about things, try letting him take the lead on something without resistance, maybe even ask him to. If you ask him for help with something, thank him for his efforts and do not criticize him.

The words you use are important. Your tongue is a powerful weapon for good or bad; wield it carefully and intentionally to bless and encourage. 

2) Say Something Kind

I did a survey a while back where I asked husbands and wives what their one most important need was and what having that need met would look like. Many of the answers I got really came down to wanting to have words of kindness sincerely expressed to them from their spouses. The desire for appreciation and affirmation came through loud and clear as unmet needs for both men and women, although they tended to express it somewhat differently.

For men, being appreciated for the work they do for the family was important (not that the same isn't important for women, it just tends to be more part of the male identity). Ask him about his job, and be interested and supportive. Feeling regularly criticized was painful for many of the men who took my survey. So during these two weeks, avoid criticism and instead find things to thank and praise your husband for. Thank him for things he does. Tell him something you love about him. Admire him for who he is.

Wives tended to want similar kindness from their husbands. Whereas for husband such needs were expressed as part of feeling respected and trusted, for wives it tended to be seen as part of feeling cared for and to a lesser extend appreciated. Kind words of tenderness mean more when accompanied by things like eye contact, a smile, a hug or other kind physical gesture. Thank your wife for all she does for you and the family, but also tell her you what you love about her. Admire her for who she is.

Regularly practicing kind words and gestures will do more to change the culture of your marriage than anything else.

3)  Ask A Sincere Question

When relationships get stuck on autopilot, one of the things that goes is engaging and meaningful conversation. Topics tend toward the functional and not so much the relational, emotional and spiritual.

So come up with a list of engaging questions for your spouse. Be sure these are things you really do want to talk about, though. Your spouse will spot insincerity, and that could do more harm than good. Here are some good open ended conversation-starting questions of the type I"m talking about:

• What is the one country you want to visit more than any other and why?
• What was the best part of your day today? What was the worst part?
• What did you think of the sermon on Sunday?
• What is happening (or what are you learning) in the book you are reading now?
• What is something that is concerning you that I can pray for you about?
• What is one thing I could do that would say "I love you" to you?

The idea here is to engage the emotions and the spirit and not just the mind.


There are few guarantees when it comes to human relationships, but I sincerely believe you will see your marriage begin to shift slightly toward a more positive culture if you do these three things consistently. The point is not that you have to be 100% every day. The point is to do most of these on most days. Then watch what happens. You'll be surprised at the noticeable shift.

What do you think of my three daily culture changing ideas? What others might you add? Chime in with a comment.

Why hitting a wall may not always be a bad thing.

Have you ever "hit a wall" in your life? If you have, then you know what I mean by the term. If not, well, read on, because you probably will some day.

Hitting a wall: you know, when you are striving hard for something and suddenly, wham-o, progress toward your goal suddenly stops.

I recently hit a wall at work. I hit it hard, charging at full speed. I was so angry and disoriented that I took the rest of the week off work.

My wall leapt out at me from nowhere, but walls can also creep up on you. Progress slowly grinds to a halt, and it can take a while to realize what is happening.

Hitting a Wall in Your Marriage

We all have hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations for our marriages. Most of you are probably putting significant mental, physical and spiritual effort toward reaching them. More emotional closeness. A more passionate sex life. Being free of debt. Retiring early and traveling the globe together.

These are all good goals to pursue, but sometimes life and circumstances bring on those wall-crashing moments. Bang! And suddenly the goal seems unreachable.

What do you do when you hit a wall? Depending on your personality, your instinct might be to give up or to put your head down and fight even harder.

Let me give you three tips I recently learned from my own crash and burn.

1.  Rethink Your Instinct

My pastor shared some interesting insight with me in regard to my work situation. He said that sometimes the Lord will put wall in front of us to get us to go a direction other than where our natural path might be. In my job, I would normally have pushed back hard to see my agenda moved forward. But in this case, I felt an overwhelming sense that I was to ease off instead. There was an amazing sense of peace that came over me when I realized that my happiness didn't depend on my own plan being accepted and supported.

When you hit a wall, your emotions will tend to take over and drive to react instinctively. Let me encourage you to respond instead of react. When you react to hitting a wall, it is usually out of fear, insecurity or pain. Choosing to respond (and it is a choice) means you step back and challenge your instinctive reaction and give yourself time to size up the situation. You can then think it through based on your core values and prayerful consideration rather than raw emotion.

2.  Take Time to Reassess

When you pause to do an honest assessment of the situation, you might just find that your most natural course of action is not the best way forward. You may discover that the path you were charging so hard down before you hit the wall wasn't actually taking you where you want to go.

Brain science proves that our human brains are hardwired to look for the autopilot switch. Consider the wall an opportunity to do a fresh assessment. Maybe it is time to dream some new dreams or set some new goals. Maybe it is time to take a different path toward the goals that you want to continue to pursue.

(I shouldn't need to say this, but I will: obviously I am not suggesting that this reassessment include giving up on your marriage.)

Communication with your spouse in this season is critical. This is an opportunity to build intimacy by being vulnerable and transparent. Even if your spouse was the source of the wall, I still encourage you not to draw away, as your natural reaction might be. Instead, respond by reaching out, however meagerly to make some sort of connection.

I encourage you to pray a lot in the wall-recovery season. Search out the heart of God. Our Father is a good Father, and he has only good intentions toward us. Tap into and agree with what heaven says.

3.  Begin Anew

Read the amazing promises from the Lamentations 3 scripture graphic, and take them to heart. Take time to wait on the Lord and to prayerfully think everything through.

But also don't over-think it. Don't get stuck while you are trying to figure everything out. Every day is a new day and an opportunity for a fresh start. Regardless of how you feel, the Lord's compassion and love are unchanging, day in and day out.

Eventually it's time to take a deep breath and then press forward again. Step out in hope and in the confident expectation of God's goodness and love toward you.

When it comes to your marriage, don't just wait around for your spouse to change. Instead, work on yourself. Do the things you know to do. Delight yourself in doing good for the sake of your marriage and in blessing your spouse.

Be thankful. Nothing moves your heart forward after crashing into a wall like giving thanks. You don't have to be thankful for the wall (though you may find that you eventually are), but find the good in your marriage and spouse and begin to be thankful for them. And it really helps to say your thanks out loud, even to your spouse.

Hitting a wall can be brutal. But it also has the potential to bring with it life-changing, eye-opening fresh opportunities, dreams and direction.

Have you hit a wall and seen how God turned it into a blessing? Would you care to share your experience with my readers? Leave a comment.


Date Night!  - I'm running a new survey on my blog about date nights.  Please take a minute to confidentially share about your date night habits and wishes.

Transformational change doesn't happen until you change the way you think.

We are focusing on hope in marriage as part of my "Faith, Hope and Love" series.  In my last post we looked at how hope is more than mere wishful thinking.

True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

But how do we get from the wishful thinking kind of hope to the confident expectation kind of hope?

Getting a hold of true hope starts with changing how you think.

What You Think Matters

Here is an important fact about why what you think makes a big difference. Your brain tends to automatically filter and discount anything that doesn't line up with what you believe.

• When you believe that your marriage is hopeless, it won't matter what your spouse does, you are going to see everything through the filter of hopelessness.
• If you believe your spouse will never change, you will automatically discount any effort they make toward positive change.
• If you believe your spouse is completely selfish, any selfless act will be met with skepticism and accusation about their motivation
• If you believe God doesn't care about your marriage, you will miss seeing the hand of God move on behalf of your marriage.
• If you believe you will never have the kind of intimacy you desire, you will miss every opportunity for you and your spouse to move closer to each other.

It is also true that when you chose to believe good things about your spouse and your marriage, you are much more likely to see them when they happen. You see, our brains also have a tendency to identify things that do line up with our belief system.

Start Simply

My daughter was recently going through a hard time, battling pain and hopelessness over a difficult circumstance. In processing things in prayer, the Lord revealed to her the only two questions she was to focus on in this troubled season.

1. Do you believe I am good?
2. Do you believe I am for you?

We (okay I) can have tendency to complicate things. Truthfully, it is much better for us to grab tightly to a few essential truths rather than to grapple loosely with dozens of truths.

So when you are trying to change the way you think, pick one or two areas where you sense that your thinking isn't in line with the truth. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light of truth into your heart. He will. God is a good Father. He longs to impart hopeful truth to your heart.

If you aren't comfortable listening to the Holy Spirit, or don't believe you can hear from God, start with the two truths my daughter was challenged to focus on:

1. God is good and only has good intentions toward you
2. God is for you and for your marriage

Don't Settle For Less Than Fullness

Maybe you don't have a general sense of hopeless about your marriage, but there may be specific areas of your relationship where you have set aside hope, where you have settled for less than fullness in your marriage.  A lackluster or non-existent sex life, financial struggles, in-law troubles, health issues, or lack of emotional intimacy.

Wherever there is hopelessness in your life and marriage, God wants to restore hope. I strongly encourage you to find a few simple truths that you can press fully into in a way that you start to change the way you think.

I recently came across a short video that beautifully expresses what it means to hope in God.  Here are a few quotes:

• There are no hopeless circumstances only hopeless people. 
• God always partners with someone who has hope.
• The people who made a difference in the Bible were unreasonably optimistic.

You'll find the video of this very encouraging little three minute message on my Facebook page. Be sure to like my page while you are there!

[Wives Only Wednesday]

Learning to express appreciation to your husband will positively impact the passion level between you.

On Monday I told husbands about the power that being intentionally positive has to grow passion. Today I’m addressing wives with a slightly different take on the topic.

Daily Choices

The relationship between positivity and passion may not be all that obvious to you, so let me explain a little further.

As I said in my last post, it’s really about shifting the atmosphere in your marriage. Think about. If what you think on and speak about is mostly the problems and issues in your relationship with your husband, they will tend to be amplified and multiplied. But the same is true when you are able to shift your words and thoughts to the many good things about your man and your marriage.

Whatever you focus on grows. If you want to good stuff to grow, think and speak these things.

It largely comes down to a whole bunch of little daily decisions. You can choose either to amplify the positive or the negative as each issue/opportunity presents itself. You can also learn habits of thankfulness and gratitude.

Idealism or Realism

You might be reading this and thinking that I’m being too idealistic with such talk. You might be saying, “You don’t know my husband or my situations” or “The problems are too in my face to ignore.”

But I’m not saying you can or should ignore problems and hope they go away. No, not at all. What I’m saying is that if those are ALL you focus on, if they preoccupy your thoughts and dominate your conversations, it will poison the atmosphere and leave little space for the good things to see the light of day. Negativity kills passion. Period.

So acknowledge and deal with issues that matter, but don’t let them define your relationship. Your marriage is not defined by the problems you face. Your marriage is defined by the fact that you and your husband are one, even if you don’t feel like it, so you might as well enjoy the fruit of that oneness and let intimacy and passion that results be what defines your marriage. I believe it is possible.

Passion Pointers

Opinions vary, but I’ve heard it said that it takes doing something anywhere from 15-25 times before it becomes a habit. So if you can purposefully choose positivity a couple times a day, it will only take a week or two before you will begin to change your default actions and reactions. Do this, and watch the passion in your marriage begin to grow.

Here are a few ways to be purposefully positive with your husband:

• Thank your husband for working so hard to support the family (assuming he is the primary bread winner). It’s easy to take this for granted, but it will mean a lot to him when you acknowledge it out loud. Chances are he feels tremendous financial pressure to provide.
• Pay your husband a compliment about his physical appearance. We tend to think that this is primarily a female need, but your husband does want to know you are attracted to him. Truthfully the best way to communicate your attraction to him is to initiate sex. Words are helpful, but actions in this area matter more.
• Send your husband a text to say you are thinking about something he did for you recently and specifically thank him for it. Tell him what it meant to you. Gratefulness will definitely cause him to want to do these kinds of things for you more in the future.
• Is there something your husband does as a matter of routine that you have come to take for granted? It’s easy to do, especially if he’s been doing it all of your married life.  Stop and think, and then occasionally, when he does one of them, tell him you appreciate it. It will count double if you give him a slightly longer than usual kiss to go along with it.

Maybe I haven’t convinced you totally of the power that positivity has to help raise the passion level in your marriage. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.

For the next week or two, really listen to the words you speak and pay attention to the thoughts you think. Choose to turn them toward the many good things about your husband and your marriage. Come back and let us know how it affected the atmosphere between you and your husband.

[Men Only Monday]

Sincere expressions of genuine thanks hold great power to deepen intimacy and increase passion.

Have you ever heard the phrase “You become what you behold?” The idea is that whatever you focus on will tend to grow and intensify. Nowhere is this more true than in your marriage.

Today we continue to delve into ways you can grow the passion level between you and your wife by being a little more positive.

Change the Atmosphere

It’s easy to focus mostly on the areas in your marriage where you feel your wife isn’t meeting your needs. It’s natural to give disproportionate attention to the things she does that annoy you. Even though it’s easy and natural to become preoccupied with the negative stuff in your marriage, it’s also a total passion killer.

On the other hand, if you can learn to focus your mental and emotional energy mostly on the many good things about your wife, it will drastically shift the atmosphere in your marriage. I promise you that when you develop a habit of being grateful, appreciative and positive, your wife will respond by mirroring what she sees you doing, even if it isn't a conscious response.

The Power of Sincere Thanks

Chances are your wife is already well aware of the areas where she disappoints you. When you reinforce those thoughts it simply drives the wedge between you deeper. But when you learn to give grace in the areas where there is lack or weakness on her part and instead express sincere appreciation for her, it builds intimacy and makes it easier for her to draw close to you.

Sincere thanks hold great power to deepen intimacy and enhance passion.

How often do you thank your wife for the things she does routinely for you and the family? Do you compliment her on meals well prepared or do you tend to just stuff the food down and move on? Do you specifically thank her for taking care of the kids or working outside the home and supporting the family in this way or do you just take it for granted? Be watchful and purposeful to express appreciation for all that she does for you and the family.

Passion Pointers

Here are a few specific habits you can work on that will help you become more positive in a way that will help build a more passionate atmosphere in your marriage.

• Pay your wife a specific compliment on her appearance. Every. Single. Day. Chances are that she is in a significant body image battle , and you are either fighting for her or against her.
• Several times a week thank your wife for something she’s done as a matter of routine (laundry, dishes, kid’s baths, cooking, working, whatever). Pair your thanks with some physical, non-sexual touch, such as a tender kiss or a firm hug to drive the point home further.
• Make yourself a list of things you most appreciate about your wife and about your marriage. Keep it handy, on your phone or computer or in your wallet. Once in awhile, take it out and remind  yourself of these things.
• Next time your wife does something that would normally annoy you (come one, you know what I mean - we all have those pet peeves), pass it off with an attitude of grace instead of smirking, badgering her or getting huffy. Of course, serious offenses need to be dealt with in a healthy and respectful manner so as not to allow resentment to build up.

It's true that focusing on the positive has definite potential to up the passion in your marriage, if you can just learn to shift your thinking.

What other ways do you keep things in your marriage positive?  Share your ideas in a comment.

A lover will outwork a worker every time.

In this third post on the issue of needs in marriage, I want to examine the issue of unmet needs a little further.

My last post, When Needs Go Unmet, I encouraged you to embrace the notion of loving your spouse radically by focusing mostly on what you can give rather than on what you are (or are not) getting. This is the very kind of radical, unconditional love Jesus gives to us.

Let me repeat myself. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not at all easy when you feel like you are the one doing most of the giving.

There is something that can help you keep on giving selflessly and hang on until the breakthrough comes in your marriage.

It's all in how you see yourself.

Which One Are You?

Are you mostly a lover or mostly a worker?

A worker usually does what he or she does in order to get something in return. In the job world that's called a paycheck (yes, I know people work for other reasons as well - that's not the point). In the marriage world you may work to get your spouse to change or to get them to give you what you need. It might be that you are working to get love. You may even be working because you know it's the right thing to do or so that you can win the badge of being the "good spouse."

The worker is motivated by external forces.

A lover does what he or she does for love's sake. A lover is compelled to surrender, sacrifice and serve by the love that burns inside. A lover does all for the sake of intimacy, not for the sake of gain.

The lover is motivated by internal forces.

More Than Emotion

Being a lover doesn't mean you allow your emotions to dictate. Love is more than an emotion. Emotions are fickle and fleeting. You can't rely on them.

The kind of genuine love I am talking about is deep conviction that drives daily choices.

Love looks through what appears to be true and chooses to stare into the truth. What are the truths a lover can look to?

• The truth is that love, real love, is found in the face of Jesus
• The truth is that as a believer, you have that very love inside of you
• The truth is that you do not have to be ruled by your emotions, but can be ruled by the Holy Spirit
• The truth is that you can take every thought captive, and can take it to trial by the discernment of the Holy Spirit
• The truth is that the covenant you share with your spouse is a supernatural one
• The truth is that God is for your marriage and he is by nature a restorer, a redeemer and a reconciler
• The truth is that you and your spouse are one, and that makes your marriage different from every other relationship in your life

A Lover is First a Beloved

I mentioned this last time, but it bears repeating. The best way to allow your heart to be transformed into a lover is by first realizing that you are beloved.

We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:19 (NIV)

Allow your heart to be wrecked by the One who gave all to have you as his own.

Yes, eventually you still have to do the work. But if you can allow your heart and mind to be transformed from that of a worker to that of a lover, you will be able to work longer, harder and with more genuine joy than you can imagine.

And the truth is, a lover will outwork a worker every time.

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How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

It's a Wives Only Wednesday, so this "what if" post is just for the ladies.

It's not that men don't have body image issues or shame associated with their appearance, but I know that it is something much more prevalent among women.

So listen up ladies and prepare to have a paradigm shift in your thinking.

You Are His

The Bible says quite plainly in 1 Corinthians 7 that your body belongs to your husband (and his to you, by the way). If you really believed how attracted your husband is to you, you would know that he sees you as his prize possession. Not in some creepy controlling sense, but in the way that he's proud to have you for his very own, in ways that no other man can know and/or see you.

Fellow marriage blogger, J, from Hot Holy and Humorous, recently posted Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby. . She says,

I hear from hubbies all the time who essentially say about their wives, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). Are their wives objectively perfect? I doubt it. But they [their husbands] believe it.

You can believe it too.

It's Important to Him

Paul Byerly, over at the XY Code, wrote a post on this topic entitled Really, You Look Great to Him. In it he sums up his recent "What Your Husband Wants You to Know" survey he did in this way:

When we say we like you, what you do, and how you look, please believe us!

It is important to your husband that you believe in the sincerity of his love for you, and that includes how you look. Most husbands I know want their wives to feel loved. In fact many, including me, count it among their highest priorities in life. When you rebuff his compliments on your appearance or reply with a list of the flaws, you do not honor him. In fact, you make him feel like he has failed at something that matters a lot to him.

It is your husband's opinion that matters most when it come to your appearance. If he thinks you are beautiful, hot, sexy, pretty, striking or however else he may describe you, then you are. Period.

I understand that you get a very different message from TV and magazine advertisements. Remember, those folks are in the flaw-peddling business in order to sell you something to "fix" yourself. Forget them and their airbrushed definition of beauty. Take what your husband says and run with it.

Confidence is Sexy

Do you want to know a secret that I think few wives have a handle on? Sex appeal (or whatever word you want to use for a woman's allure to her husband) is 80% attitude and 20% physical appearance. It may even be 90/10.

Whether you buy my numbers or not, how you present yourself to your husband probably has a bigger influence on how he perceives your appearance than you know. If you really believed what your husband says about your body and his desire for you, it will give you more confidence, more boldness, and more of an "I am hot and I know it" kind of attitude. And that alone will make you even more appealing to him.

A woman in one of our marriage small groups once confided to us that she sometimes imagines herself as a sensuous movie star in order to take on a more confident and daring persona. Imagining herself as Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie (or whoever) allowed her to drop her inhibitions and really let go, much to her husband's pleasure - and hers as well.  Imagine whatever you like that helps you in the confidence department, but try imagining that your husband is actually crazy in love with your body. After all, you are his movie star!

Here's a correlating truth. True confidence feels good. If you believe in your own beauty and in your husband's desire for you and then confidently act on it, it will make you feel really good about yourself.

Two Caveats

First, I have heard horror stories of husband who deride their wives over every extra ounce and constantly put them down over their appearance. That's a sad and difficult situation, and I am sorry if that is the way your husband treats you. Dealing with that situation is a whole separate post. But I honestly believe the vast majority of husbands do not fall into that category.

Second, I am not saying that appearances don't matter. Pay attention to your man's preferences in clothing, hair styles, make up, etc. Pay particular attention to sleeping attire, if that is something that matters to him. I know men have a broad spectrum of opinions on these kinds of appearance-related things, so if you don't know, ask your husband. And then act accordingly. You have no idea how much it will bless him when you do.

Time for Action

So ask yourself this "what if" question and ponder it seriously: how would you act and speak differently if you really believed, deep down, that your husband loves your body? You might want to read and consider the two posts linked above by Paul and J as a starting point.

I challenge you to spend the next week behaving differently as a result of your "what if" contemplation.  Act with boldness and confidence, as if your husband adores your body, because chances are, he does.



The other posts in my "What If..." series.

1. A Lesson in How to "What If..."
2. What If... You and Your Spouse Really Are One?
3. What If...Intimacy Matters Most?

How do you do "What If?"

I often say around my house, "I don't do what if."

When I say "I don't do what if," I'm normally referring to the kind of hypothetical "what if" that precedes a possible future negative scenario, one triggered by doubt or worry or fear of an unknown future event. "What if we get in an accident."  "What if we run out of money before we run out of bills."  "What if my child makes a bad decision?" Those kind of "what ifs" are almost never fruitful.

I also refuse to "what if" in response to concerns over the theoretical consequences of a past action or decision. "What if I should have taken that other job?"  "What if I shouldn't have said that to him?"  "What if I chose the wrong husband?" More useless and pointless what ifs.

These are the kinds of what ifs I try not to give voice to. 

Some "What Ifs" We Should Do

I'm thinking that there are times that I maybe should actually do a little more "what iffing."  No, not the negative, worry-filled kind. I mean maybe I should do some more hope-filled, promise-motivated, truth-oriented "what iffing."

Maybe you should join me.

Yes, lets go ahead and put aside those fretful "what ifs," and grab hold of a few altogether different ones like these:

• What if God loves you and me as much and as relentlessly as He says He does?
• What if the promises of the Bible are really true and really for you and me?
• What if God's enduring faithfulness really does reach to the heavens and right into our circumstances?
• What if perfect love really does cast out fear, and what if that perfect love dwells right inside us?

Now there are some what ifs worth focusing on!

A Bit of Marriage "What If"

I wrote the following bit of "What If" prose a few years ago for a marriage retreat the I helped lead. I was reminded of it while writing this post. It's another bit of "what if" that is well worth considering.

• What if marriage is more than simply a convenient social institution for orderly human procreation?
• What if marriage was purposefully conceived by God before all time in order to create a living picture of His desire to dwell in intimacy with you and me?
• What if, when he created the first marriage in the Garden, he already knew that he would ultimately send his Son, Jesus, to be our heavenly Bridegroom, and planned to send Him to His death so that we could live in intimacy with Him forever?
• What if God, who was willing to go to any length to be in relationship with you, made you for the express purpose of loving you unconditionally and not for what you could “do” for Him?

• What if this understanding of God’s love for you sheds light on the way you are to love your husband or wife? 
• What if the primary purpose of your marriage was simply to love your spouse and not so much so that you could get them to do what you want, to meet your needs, or even so that they would love you in return. 
• What if  love was your only motive.

   And...

• What if love was your spouse’s only motive? 
• What if you knew that he or she was only after your heart and not your conformance to a set of expected behaviors. 
• What if what mattered most to your spouse was to live in intimate relationship with you and not how they could get their own needs met.

     Imagine...

• What if you were both able to love each other “as if” your love was already a perfect reflection of the selfless love of God, even when you behave otherwise, in the same way that God loves us.

What about you? Do you tend to do the negative "what if" thing? Can you offer some alternative, truth-filled "what ifs" besides the ones I listed?  I'd love to hear your ideas. Leave a comment.

Love keeps no record of wrongs, but it should definitely keep a record of "rights"

I heard a message entitled "Walking in Love" by Joyce Meyer this morning that prompted this post. You can watch the whole video by clicking on the link. I recommend it.

Toward then end of the teaching (at about 20 minutes in), she explains the importance of "positive scorekeeping." She goes on to list many positive virtues of her husband. It's her positive scorekeeping list.

I've talked before about the problems that are created by scorekeeping in marriage.

The Wrong Kind of Scorekeeping

What I refer to in my posts like "Counter Culture Marriage - Equality and Fairness" is the kind of scorekeeping that arises when couples make equality a central value of their marriage, making sure everything balances out fairly. But striving for the fabled 50-50 marriage can create a scorekeeping culture that leads us to fight or compete for our fair share (or maybe a little more).

The other kind of negative scorekeeping has to do with harboring past hurts. The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:5 that that love keeps no record of wrongs. We are called to that kind of love. That's how God loves us - with reckless affection that does not wane based on our performance. His infinite grace is sufficient to blot every offense from the record books.

The Right Kind of Scorekeeping

But today's Joyce Meyer teaching reminded me that there is a kind of scorekeeping that is really helpful. In marriage we would do well to keep track of, focus on and remind ourselves of all the good things about our husband or wife.

Human nature tends to focus on the negative. We tend to focus on what we do not have, what we perceive is missing, or what we dislike. Sadly, we tend to get preoccupied with the bad stuff. But the love we are called to in marriage, the love we have from God to share with each other, calls us to a different nature: the nature of Christ.

Write it Down

I challenge you to make a scoresheet for you spouse. Yeah, really. Write it down somewhere. On your phone, a piece of paper or your computer. Wherever you put it, I want you to write down every good thing you can think of about him or her. Add to it from time to time. Read it often. Some areas to consider:

• When did he/she do something helpful for you?
• What physical attributes most attract you to him/her?
• What personality traits do you find most endearing?
• What positive contributions does he/she make to your marriage and family?
• When did your spouse show you grace, even when you didn't deserve it?
• When has  your spouse encouraged you?
• When did your spouse show you honor or respect?

So yes, indeed do keep score, but keep the right kind of score. Whatever  you focus on grows. Focus on the positive and you'll get more of it! 

Oh and one more thing. Be sure to share these things with your spouse once in a while in the form of appreciative words. Let him or her know that you really are thankful for him or her, and be specific. Should be easy if your record book is up to date.

Now, lets get this positive train rolling!  Would you be willing to share one item from your positive score sheet with us in a comment?

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Related Posts From my Series on Positivity in Marriage:

• The Power of Positive
• The Power of Positive: Thinking
• The Power of Positive: Speaking
• The Power of Positive: Doing

No, of course I'm not talking about the actual weather conditions outside. I'm talking about changing the climate in your marriage.

Few of us realize how the things we say and do (or don't say and don't do) affect the atmosphere of our marriages and homes. Too frequently we settle for whatever happens to just blow in.

It's time to get unstuck from the current weather patterns!

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Check out my guest post on the Hope at Home blog for simple suggestions on how you can:

• Clear away the fog
• Rain down a little kindness
• Create your own heat wave
• Lower the atmospheric pressure

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Attention all adoptive or fostering parents. The Hope at Home 2013 Conference is only a few weeks away .  Check out what former attendees have to say about their experience during H@H, and make plans to attend now! Click on the banner below for a video introduction and for more event details.

What is the best kind of kindness?

We’ve been talking about your new wardrobe for 2013. New clothes for the new you!

No, not pants, shirts and skirts. We are talking about the actions and attitudes that God calls us to “put on” in Colossians 3 in light of our new nature in Christ.

It just so happens that it is a great list of things to wear for your marriage!

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with…kindness

Col 3:9-12 (NIV)

How to Put on Kindness

Do me a favor. Think to yourself. What are the first five or so words that come to your mind when you think of kindness? Go ahead, take the ten seconds you need to do this.

Now, think again. (I know I’m asking a lot of you to make you think twice in a single blog post). Think of your daily interactions with your husband or wife. What are the five (or so) words that best describe how you engage with your spouse?

Now compare these two lists of words. Find any similarities?

In case you are stuck (or lazy) here are some dictionary words to consider:

• sympathetic
• affectionate
• loving
• gentle
• forbearing
• giving pleasure or relief

What I’m trying to get you to think about is whether kindness is part of the daily routine in your marriage. Is it?

You see, the best kind of kindness is the kind you wear daily.

My challenge to you is to deliberately do something kind every day for your husband or wife. Each day, think of at least one act of kindness (action or spoken) you can do for your spouse. Plan it and do it. If it helps, scan through my dictionary list above or write down your own list. It will help give you ideas.

Hint: I especially like that last idea. Each day, simply think of something that would give your spouse pleasure or relief/help. (PS for men: there is such a thing as pleasure that doesn’t involve sex!)

Here are a few examples of little kindnesses to get you thinking (there I go again with the thinking - strike three).

• Bring them a cup of tea or coffee while they are getting ready for their day.
• Offer a short neck or foot rub while you are watching TV together
• Prepare their favorite meal (even if it isn’t your favorite)
• Stop in and get their favorite treat or snack next time you get gas
• Lend an unprompted hand with a daily chore (dishes, dinner, laundry, yard work, kid’s bath or bedtime).
• Ask before you leave for work, “How can I pray for you today?” (then do it!)
• Pay a specific, honest compliment to one of the physical feature you most admire about them (or their chosen outfit or perfume/cologne).

You see kindness doesn’t have to involve big things. Much better are small things done with great  consistency.

You may be reluctant to give kindness to your spouse because they don’t typically give it back. To you, let me say that the more kindness you give, the more likely you are to see it in return. It’s a reaping and sewing thing. Withholding kindness will reap more unkindness.  But regular acts of kindness will change the atmosphere of your marriage. It is the best way to produce more kindness.

So, are you ready to commit to daily kindness?

Let’s hear it! What is the last kind thing (big or small) that your spouse did for you? What is the last kind thing you did for your spouse? Leave a comment.


Next in the series: Put on Compassion

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