Journey to Surrender

Advent reminds you to expect great things in your marriage, but also to look for your spouse and for God to deliver in unexpected ways. 

Contrary to popular notion and the fact that stores have had their halls decked with red and green since October, we are not currently in the season of Christmas.  Technically, until December 25th, we are in the season of Advent. The church calendar observed by many Christians tells us that Advent starts four Sundays before Christmas.

Advent comes from a Latin word that means arrival. The season of Advent is all about expectancy and preparing to celebrate the arrival of Jesus on Christmas.

Advent helps us pause amidst all the shopping and decorating and cookie making to remember what Christmas is really all about: Jesus. In Advent we stir up our longing for Jesus and remember that he is the ultimate expression of God's love for us.

Longing, Waiting Yet Completely Missing It

The religious leaders of Jesus' day had been waiting more than 400 hundred years for the arrival of the Messiah. Yet because they had preconceived notions of the way in which he would come and how he would go about establishing his kingdom, they completely missed the fact that he was standing right before their eyes. Not only did they miss him, they went against him and killed the very one for whom they had been waiting.

Although Jesus came to Earth as a baby, his ultimate goal was to claim for himself an eternal bride. As is so often the case, there is a clear parallel between the spiritual and the marital as we think about Advent.

What are you longing and waiting for more of in your marriage? What preconceived ideas do you have of what that should look like when it comes?

I've written before about how expectations in marriage affect what we perceive (See my post Expectations: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly) . Expectancy bias  can cause you not to see something that's right in front of you because you aren't expecting it or are expecting it in different form.

• Do you miss your spouse's expressions of love because you are looking for them to express love the same way you do?
• Do you miss your spouse's sexual initiatives because they aren't as overt as you would like?
• Do you miss your spouse's small acts of kindness because you expect them to be grander? Or worse, because you don't expect him or her to be kind at all?
• Do you miss small incremental changes in your spouse for the better because you have given up hoping for change or because you want bigger changes?
• Do you discount efforts your spouse makes to help out with chores or errands because they don't do it exactly how you would?

I'm not saying you should settle. I'm saying you should look for and be thankful for every step in the right direction. Thankfulness, appreciation and recognition of the good things in your spouse and marriage will not only encourage your spouse in their efforts but will actually help you see them more easily.

Robyn of Up With Marriage has a great quote in her post this week "Desire to Please"

Whether you think positive or negative about your husband, either way you are right.

God Shows Up In Unexpected Ways

Advent and Christmas remind us of the lavish love, generosity and goodness of God toward us. It also reminds us that sometimes God shows up in ways we don't expect.

God is for you and for your marriage. But if he answers your prayers in ways you don't expect, will you miss it?

• Maybe instead of changing your spouse, he may want to change you?
• Maybe instead of improving your spouse's behavior to line up with your expectations, he may want you to grow in showing grace first?
• Maybe instead of instead of getting your wife to submit, he may want you to get better at selfless love?
• Maybe instead of causing your husband to lead in the way you think he should, he may want you to acknowledge your husband as head and to honor and respect him just as he is today?
• Maybe instead of getting your spouse to apologize, he may want you to be the one to reach across the gap between you that was created by your last argument?

One thing Jesus clearly showed us is that the Kingdom of God is often upside down and backward from conventional or popular thinking (be the greatest by being a servant, the last shall be first, foolish things confound the wise, love your enemies, etc.). So when it comes to your marriage, you might just need to be open to some unconventional and even counter-cultural answers from the Lord.

In fact, I'd expect it.

These last days of Advent, consider where you might need to adjust your expectations of your spouse and marriage in ways to allow you to celebrate all that is good in your relationship. 

And as we wait to celebrate God showing up on Christmas, remember that God may also show up in your marriage in ways you don't expect.

Simple ways to support and encourage your husband's spiritual leadership without being controlling or demanding.

Welcome to Wives Only Wednesday. It's been a while since my last WoW post, so as a reminder, these are posts I do specifically for wives. Husbands can check out the related Men Only Monday post: 3 Simple Ways to Lead Your Wife Spiritually.

Most Christian wives I know are longing to have their husbands take up their God-given role as the spiritual head of the household. So how do you encourage your husband to lead? Many wives either have tried and failed or aren't sure what to do.

(Note: these suggestion are for Christian couples and do not address the situation of an unbelieving husband. Also note that the "What Won't Work" section is especially true for a non-believing spouse.)

What Won't Work

There is a principle that says you can't push on a rope. When you try pushing, all you get is a tangled mess. This rope principle applies to roles in marriage. Below are some examples of pushing.

Criticism - Many husbands won't step up and lead spiritually because they fear they will fall short or embarrass themselves. Criticizing your husband's spiritual life will only exacerbate his fear of failure and judgment from you. The higher the expectations you heap upon him, the less likely he is to step up. Communicating dissatisfaction will likely have the very opposite effect you hope for and cause him to pull back from expressing his spirituality to you. Be aware that he can easily view even well-intentioned questions as accusation ("Did you pray about that?").

Nagging - Demanding your husband be a stronger spiritual leader won't work. That is actually you usurping his leadership and will cause him to shrink back further. Nagging him about his spiritual habits will have the same negative effect. Such question as "When was the last time you had a quiet time?" or "Have you read your Bible today?" are actually just veiled attempts to control his spiritual life. It doesn't work.

Comparison - This is probably an obvious one, but pointing out what other husbands are doing to lead their families spiritually will only make him feel like a failure and inadequate in your eyes. Just don't do it.

What You Can Do

All of the approaches listed above amount to trying to control your husband. You and I both know that the only person you can control is yourself. Controlling amounts to pushing on the rope of your husband's spiritual leadership, and it will probably backfire.  So, what can you do to help create an internal "pull" in your husband's heart to want to grow in his headship role?  Here are a few ideas that are based on love and serving rather than on control:

Show Honor - Let go of your spiritual checklists and expectations. Your husband's spiritual life is most likely going to express itself differently from yours, and that's okay. My wife's quiet times and mine are as different from each other as they can be. Mine are less frequent, less scheduled and tend to be shorter than hers. It took me a while to realize that we are just different in this regard. Honor and respect his way of seeking God.

Value His Insights - Even if (and maybe especially if) you feel you are spiritually stronger and more knowledgeable than your husband, ask for his opinion on spiritual matters. Invite him into your spiritual struggles and questions. Ask him to pray for you about specific situations and thank him when he does. Acknowledge his answered prayers. This has two outcomes. First, it builds spiritual intimacy as you learn to share your hearts in a vulnerable fashion, and second it helps him build spiritual muscle.

Express Appreciation - Acknowledge every step your husband takes in spiritual growth and in leading your family. Affirm him by saying, "I'm so thankful to have you as the spiritual head of our home." Thank him when he opens up to you about spiritual matters or offers his perspective. Appreciation will demonstrate your desire for his spiritual leadership without you actually having to say it.

Seek Intimacy - Spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy are all connected. If you desire deeper spiritual intimacy, pay attention to your sex life and to how you act with him emotionally. There is not a formula, but fruit in one dimension tends to spill over into the others.

As I said, these actions are about showing love to your husband in language he can appreciate, and when you do these you invite his leadership by offering him your submission. The Greek word for submission used in the famous Ephesians 5 passage on marriage (hupotasso)  means to arrange yourself under. When you willingly show your husband honor and respect with your actions, you are arranging yourself under his loving spiritual leadership.

Of course you should pray for your husband, for spiritual intimacy between you, and for his headship in the spiritual domain of your marriage, but you don't have to just pray and wait. While prayer is vital and your number one strategy, there are also practical steps you can take that create an environment where his leadership can thrive.

These are my ideas for what will and won't work in your journey toward a rightly ordered spiritual dimension of your marriage.  I'd love to hear any ideas you have!  Leave a comment.

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Leading your wife spiritually is not as hard as you might think.

It's been a while since I've written a Men-Only-Monday post. As the moniker implies, these posts are intended for husbands. Wives, come back Wednesday for your side of the equation on this topic.

Are you among the many men who feel unqualified to lead their wives and family spiritually? Do you feel like your wife has more knowledge, more insight, and more sensitivity concerning spiritual matters? If you are like most men, you aren't going to attempt things you don't feel you can excel at, which means that you might hold back from even trying to be the spiritual head of your family.

You don't need a theology degree or years of biblical study to spiritually lead your wife. Don't disqualify yourself for this important role that God has assigned you to. The way the Bible describes spiritual headship, as with other dimensions of headship, has nothing to do with being the "spiritual boss" or being in any way spiritually superior to your wife. It doesn't mean you need years of spiritual wisdom under your belt before you start leading.

Leading your wife spiritually is not nearly as hard as you might think it is. For the most part, it just means consistently pointing your wife to Jesus and inviting his covering over your family.

If the idea of spiritual leadership is new to you, here are three simple, easy ways to begin stepping into your God-ordained role.

1. Pray

Maybe you aren't that comfortable praying out loud in front of others, maybe even with your wife. If that's the case, just ask your wife what you can pray for her about. A simple "How can I pray for you today?" text message will work great! Then do actually pray for her and let her know you did. Even this simple little step will bless her more than you know.

If you can muster your prayer courage, I would urge you to actually pray together. Prayer builds spiritual intimacy like few other things can. If that seems too difficult for you, start just by praying together silently. Maybe conclude with the Lord's prayer, if spontaneous prayer doesn't come easily for you. You can also pray the "Apostolic prayers" right out of the Bible . A few examples are Ephesians 1:17-23, Ephesians 3:16-21, Colossians 1:9-14, Philippians 1:9-11, Romans 15:13. These are great prayers for when you don't know what to pray.

2. Read, Learn & Share

Pick a book on a spiritual topic that interests you. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is something that speaks life to you or challenges you in some way. Devotional books can be good, because they tend to be short easily digestible. I'll admit that I've never been a regular devotional reader, because I prefer books that drill a little deeper into a topic, but that's just me.

I also encourage you to read the Bible regularly. If you don't know where to start, you might consider a topical Study Bible. If you are looking for a life-giving translation, I suggest the Passion Translation Series. If you are new to Bible study, start off with the Gospels. If you feel you have a hard time understanding what you read in the Bible, pray for revelation and understanding. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth (John 16:13), and He is eager to do it (Luke 11:11). Just ask.

A few times a week, as you come upon something that gives you a new insight or seems helpful to you, or when the Lord gives you a particular revelation, share it with your wife.

Your wife will feel safe and protected when she knows you are pressing into a deeper understanding of God. This is one dimension of God's instruction to husbands to wash your wife with the water of the word (Ephesians 5:26).

3. Invite Her In

As I said, headship does not imply superiority. I describe the relationship between husband and wife as described in the Bible as an ordered partnership, where husband and wife are of equal value but willingly take on different roles to support and honor each other.

Good leaders invite the full participation of those they lead and encourage them to employ all of their talents and capabilities. So invite your wife into partnership with you as together you discover God's heart and plans for your marriage and your family. Lean on her spiritual discernment and sensitivity to the things of the Spirit. Invite her to bring her spiritual gifting to your partnership.

Intimacy comes from being fully known and knowing you are completely loved. Spiritual intimacy is no exception. Be real, honest and willing to be vulnerable with your wife about your life in God. Invite her to do the same. It's not a competition to see who is more spiritual. It's about encouraging each other to walk in your God-given destinies and to grow in the knowledge of who God is. 

If you are the stronger one, spiritually, never use your position to browbeat or speak harsh judgment to your wife. Rather, speak grace and truth and encourage her toward who God says she is.


Now it's your turn. What simple tips do you have for husbands who want to take a more active role in leading their wives spiritually? Leave a comment.

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Why did a poorly written book followed up by a mediocre movie grab the hearts and minds of millions of women?

I've purposefully chosen to stay out of the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fray up to now. So many people have covered the topic that I figured I wouldn't be able to add anything significant to the conversation.

But it's hard for me to ignore the fact that over the last few months, my blog stats show that my post "A Wife's Sexual Surrender" has been consistently at the top of my most viewed pages. The 2011 post shot up in popularity with the release of the FSOG book and then again with the recently released movie. No doubt many disappointed Googlers landed on that post, written long before the release of the book, to find nothing remotely close to the kind of "submission" depicted in FSOG.

I have often wondered what all these poeple, the majority of whom are presumably women, are looking for in a post on sexual surrender?

It's this question that ultimately led me to finally wade into the murky FSOG waters today. And this question leads to some similar ones that have been nagging me ever since the FSOG phenomenon took our popular culture by storm.

How is that a such a poorly written erotic romance novel spent months atop the best seller list and sold more than 100 million copies in 52 languages worldwide?  One book blogger  said about the book, "In all honesty, though, this book is awful.  Really, truly, mind-bogglingly awful." The New York Review of Books, after acknowledging the popular success of the book, summarized the critics perspective this way,  "Critics, by contrast, have found much to abhor about the work." Yet the readers at Amazon and Barnes and Noble both give the trilogy an average of four-and-a-half out of five stars. How could the progenitor of such mediocre tripe be named to Time Magazine's list of the "100 Most Influential People in the World?"

Further, the movie based on the book has been critically panned, receiving one star on Rotten Tomatoes and a little south of two stars on IMDB's critics review. Yet the movie has set box office records, grossing in excess of 500 million dollars in the month since its release. But why? As with the book, critical and popular opinions stand in stark contrast to each other.

These are questions I've seen a few writers attempt to answer, but most of these answers haven't fully satisfied my curiosity.

What The World Says

Admittedly, I have neither read the books nor seen movie, but I've read enough about them, from enough varied sources, to get a pretty clear picture of the content. In researching for this post, I've also read a number of theories on the reasons for the FSOG phenomenon, from both secular and Christian sources.

Secular sources are decidedly mixed as to the effects of FSOG on society. Many call it harmless mind-candy for bored housewives. Some laud the permission FSOG supposedly gives women to free themselves sexually or to tap into their hidden fantasies. Others argue strongly that the books and movie promote sexual violence against women.

As for the reasons for its popularity, secular writers say the attraction is in the way the story portrays the healing power of love, even though it does so in a totally unrealistic fashion. Other say it appeals to women's innate desire to be a "rescuer and healer." Many mention women's common attraction to "bad boys." Surprisingly few point to the kinky sex as the draw.

Christian Voices

For the most part Christian's have been pretty universally critical of the book and movie, and for the most part, rightly so. Erotica is just as dangerous as porn in terms of the potential damage to marriages. The works depict a non-biblical view of sex (outside of marriage, full of control and manipulation, sado-masochism and more). Of course the shows and movies on cable TV these days are just as sexually non-biblical, with much less outrage.

As true as all the badness is with FSOG, we have to admit that millions of professing Christians have read the books and seen the movie. From what I can tell by the many comments I have read, most women loved it and recommended it to their friends. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it does further beg the question of why women, Christians and non-Christians alike, seem so compelled by the story line?

We also have to admit that a non-trivial number of women, Christians among them, claim to have a renewed sense of sexuality and many report improvements in their libido and sex lives as a result, short-lived though it may be.

Stopping at condemnation of the books and movie as perverted, evil and destructive will do little to further our understanding of the popularity of FSOG. Likewise, simply warning, scolding or even condemning those who have chosen to partake of FSOG isn't going to help us or them them understand what it is they are really after.

It's understanding I want to gain as well. 

My Theory

I've realized that I keep researching and rewriting the first part of this post because I have tremendous trepidation over actually putting my theory out there.

As I freely admit in my bio, I'm not a psychologist or trained theologian, so take what I'm about to say as just another marriage blogger's opinion, worth what you paid for it.

Enough caveats. Out with it.

I believe so many woman are drawn to the Fifty Shades of Grey story because they long to be radically loved and cared for by a strong man. Women paint themselves onto the seemingly blank canvas that is Anastasia Steele, the story's female protagonist, because the idea of surrendering themselves to someone whose heart they totally own and who will completely care for them (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially) is a huge turn-on for many women.

So strong is this desire that women are willing to look past their disdain for Christian Grey's overly controlling and sadistic nature. Though there are exceptions, many women report that the S&M sex is not what drew them to the story and that they have little desire to engage in the practices depicted so graphically in the books and movie.

The Longings of the Heart

It is difficult to paint the complexities of human longing with simple, broad strokes. Yet, due to the sheer mass appeal of FSOG, it's obvious that the story has clearly tapped into many women's basic desires.

My feminist friends are no doubt rolling their collective eyes at my theory. I hear the chant, "Down with the patriarchy and misogynistic notions that women long to be taken care of. What women really want is independence, power and equality!"

Really? I find nothing of what feminists claim that women want within the FSOG story. Nothing. Yet women are drawn to it by the millions.

Now, before you accuse me of being a woman-hating misogynist, you should read more of what I've written on the subject. My "What I Believe About Marriage" would be a good place to start.

Let me state clearly that I believe that a woman can be both strong  and submissive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. And yes, I did just use the S-word. I agree that feminism has helped to right some historical wrongs, and I absolutely believe men and women are of equal worth.

But I also believe that God set up the ordered partnership that is marriage as described in the Bible. I believe that being equal in value does not mean men and women are the same or interchangeable. I believe God filled our hearts with innate desires that correspond to our God-given roles, though the world will try to get us to deny and denigrate our very natures.

I believe that what most wives really want is a husband who will love them radically, selflessly and unconditionally, and who will pursue and woo them relentlessly, as Christ does with the church. I believe they long to find the bliss that comes through willingly surrendering themselves to such a love, only to find themselves the object their husband's deep affection, relentless protection, and generous provision (as we receive from Christ in our love-relationship with him).

And in such a marriage you are going to find some really great sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey is flawed erotic fiction, with all the dangers and falsehoods that attend it . Yet the hugely popular draw of the story compels us to examine more closely a flawless and even more compelling love story, Christ and the church, the picture of marriage as God designed it.

What do you think of my theory? What have I missed? Why do you think FSOG is such a draw for women? Chime in. Leave a comment. 

Lessons in marriage from an Olympic champion

I've been watching with interest over the past few months as the topic of submission in marriage has made headlines in the mainstream secular press.

Here are a few examples I found as I browsed through my "Post Ideas" folder:

• Actress and former "Full House" star Candace Cameron Bure, defends her views on traditional marriage roles based on her understanding of  what the Bible says about marriage in a Huffington Post interview for her book "Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose."  She explains, " The definition I'm using with the word 'submissive' is the biblical definition of that. So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength."

• Sara Horn, author of "My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife," is interviewed on the Today Show. She explains her views on biblical submission and how she discovered in her year-long "experiment" with submission how to love her husband more selflessly. (Note: On Friday Sara will be guest posting here and I'll be giving her book away as a Friday Freebie. Check back!)

• Former volleyball star Gabrielle Reece explains in an NBC news Today Show interview for her book "My Foot is Too Big for This Glass Slipper," how she saved her marriage by taking a more traditional "submissive" role. She explains, as I do, that submission is real strength, not weakness.

• Then there is this story about a book published in Italy by Constanza Miriano titled simply, "Get Married and Be Submissive."  Feminists are outraged, of course, yet it has become a national best-seller.

Where Are the Good, Strong, Loving Husband Stories?

I watched in amazement as these stories of "submissive wives" (I use quotes because I don't actually like that term used as a label) made significant mainstream headlines. I also watched the violent knee jerk reaction of those who have no grid for what the Bible says about marriage. I wondered to myself. "This is pretty amazing, seeing a more biblical view of marriage being portrayed in the mainstream media, but these are all women. So where are the corresponding husband headlines?"

To tell you the truth, I felt that most of the press's treatment of the brave women was pretty even-handed. Still, to focus solely on submission leaves out half of the biblical marriage equation. We need to see the stories about husbands who love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially, like Christ loves the church. We need headlines about husbands who understand that strength is not mutually exclusive with love and kindness.

Enter David Wise

I finally got my headline this week - at least in part. NBC did a story about Olympic freestyle skiing halfpipe gold medlist, David Wise. When I first saw the headline, "David Wise's Alternative Lifestyle Leads to Olympic Gold," I assumed it was going to be yet another story about Russia's anti-gay laws.

It turns out that the "alternative lifestyle" they refer to in the headline is one of loving husband and devoted father, which stands in contrast to many Olympic athletes' self-obsessed, party-hearty lifestyle. Hence he lives an "alternate" lifestyle in the writer's opinion.

Mr Wise, with wisdom well beyond his 23 years explains:

“I think my lifestyle — the fact that I have a little girl to take care of and a wife — really takes the pressure off of my skiing, because first and foremost I have to be a good husband and father.”

Whoa! What a whacked out sense of priorities for a champion athlete! The article gives the secret away, explaining that David attends church regularly and may one day become a pastor. Yep. Figures.

Now, I have no idea from my brief exposure to David Wise whether he and his wife share my view that the Bible calls a husbands to loving lead his wife with Christlike strength and goodness. Likewise I don't know whether Mrs. Wise would say she submits to her husband "as the church submits to Christ." They may well describe their marriage as more "egalitarian" than "complimentary" (wow, I hate those words, but I don't have better shorthand), as many young people now do.

Regardless, I'm happy to see a young, marriage-minded Christian man who has the integrity to put his wife and child above his own interest in winning an Olympic medal. I'm equally happy to see it pointed out by the mainstream press.Pretty awesome in my book.

Here's where you can help me out.  Can you point me to any other mainstream references to popular male figures who hold their wife and marriage in high value? More specifically can you find anyone willing to admit that they see themselves in a biblically mandated leadership role in their marriage?

What Headship is not: the Nice Guy, the Dictator and the Loser.

I've mentioned before that the top Google searches that land folks on my blog consistently fall into one of two arenas.  The first is something like "my husband refuses to lead." The second, following closely behind in number of hits, is "my husband acts like a dictator" or something similar.

These two errors on the part of husbands point directly the dual edge sword of headship that I discussed in my last post. That is that husbands should follow Christ's example of being both strong and good in their role as head in their marriage.

I'll re-post the chart I developed for my last post below:


I proposed last time that the biblical model for your headship as husband is found in being both a good leader and good lover. Growing in your capacity in both the strength and goodness dimensions of your marriage is key to growing in Christlike headship.

My understanding of the biblical model for marriage is that you, as husband, have the role of head, "as Christ is head of the church." Being head is not a role you must earn or work for, it's yours by the fact that you chose to marry. I don't know why, but this is how God has ordained it. You are head even if you don't accept it or your wife does not acknowledge it. (If "head" has too many unhappy connotations, you can also use the words leadership or authority to describe this role).

Looking at the chart above, there are three ways in which your headship can fall short in the strong/good arena. These are worth watching out for, because we all fall into them from time to time.

The Nice Guy

Feminist indoctrination not withstanding, there are many wives longing for their husbands to stand up and take their leadership role seriously. Like I said, more wives come here looking for how to help make that happen than for any other reason.

I'm not making excuses, but the widespread push back against biblical headship, even within the church, has many men reluctant to lead their marriages. Some are afraid of being labeled misogynists or worse. Some have bought into the lie that there should be no distinction in the roles of men and women in marriage. Some have wives who contend for authority, even wives who claim to want their husbands to step up and lead! These men who are hesitant to stand up and take their leadership role seriously are what I call "Nice Guys."

Society and the church have churned out Nice Guys by the millions. They are pleasers who tend to avoid conflict. These are the men who leave most or all the decisions to their wives, either because they are totally disengaged or because their wives argue and put them down for every idea and hold past decisions over them indefinitely. Nice Guys often just give up, rather than rocking the boat or risking trying to lead.

Whatever the reason for their refusal to lead, these men don't realize that their weakness makes them unattractive to their wives over time. And their resulting disengagement leaves their wives feeling unloved and alone. It's not a formula for a passionate and intimate marriage and certainly not a lasting one.

It's Nice Guy husbands that pose the biggest threat to biblical marriage today, because their error is much more subtle and socially acceptable than the next group:

The Dictator

Selfish, controlling husbands give biblical headship a bad rap.

In days gone by, maybe 50 years ago, this was the number one problem with husbands in marriage. This kind of brutish, self-serving husband led to feminism and the desire for egalitarian marriage. Dictators are the reason the pendulum has swung so far in the other direction, giving rise to so many Nice Guys.

Unloving husbands who use their authority to control or coerce their wives are bad news. These are the men who are abusive and flaunt scriptures about wives being submissive to their husbands, all the while ignoring the scriptural mandate for them to love and lay down their lives for their wives.

The Loser

The husband who is both weak and unloving is double trouble.

This kind of husband is self-centered, but lacks the guts to act on it, at least openly. He doesn't care about what his wife needs or wants from him. He is only concerned for himself.  He will manipulate and deceive in order to get his way, but refuses to confront things head on.

The loser refuses to take responsibility for his actions and shifts blame onto his wife. He is controlled by fear, and his buried frustrations may bubble up to the surface as angry outbursts.

The loser doesn't refuse to lead because he in incapable, he refuses to lead because he doesn't care.

I hope and pray that Nice Guy, Dictator, and Loser do not describe the way in which you act out your headship role in your marriage. In order to make my case clear I have described these non-Christlike behaviors in husbands in pretty strong terms. There are, of course, many less severe ways to screw up headship.  I know because I've done them all from time to time.

There is good news for us who mess up in our quest for biblical headship. It's called grace!  God is for you and for your marriage. His desire it to see you and your marriage thrive. Pray for the strength and skill to lead well and for a revelation of who Jesus is. Pray for your understanding of the love of Jesus to grow deeper, so you can love your wife in the same way. These are the prayers Paul prayed for the church in Ephesians 1 and 3, leading up to the chapter on marriage. These are the keys!

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.

Ephesians 1:17

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

Ephesians 3:17-18

 Be diligent. Vigorously pursue the kind of headship Jesus displays to us, his bride. When you screw up and slip into actions or words that are weak or unloving, admit your blunder and ask your wife to forgive you. She will admire you for it.

My point in stating what headship is not is to get you to be watchful over your role as husband and to strive diligently to be both strong and good. Your wife deserves that from you, and God is calling you to it.

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A note to wives ignoring the headline and reading this post anyway: it is not your job to browbeat, manipulate or judge your husband if he happens to fall into one of the non-Christlike quadrants, even occasionally. It is not your job to correct or coerce him. That is the job of the Holy Spirit. Don't even think of forwarding this to your husband!

Your job is to concentrate on your role in your marriage. In a few weeks, in a Wives Only Wednesday post,  I'll be looking at two dimensions of the your role in your marriage. You'll definitely want to check back for those.

Strength and goodness are independent variables in the equation of a husband's biblical leadership.

Welcome to my revamped and renamed series for husbands. If you are a long-time reader, you'll note the name change from "Man Up Monday" to "Men only Monday."

There are two basic reasons for the change. First, the term "man-up," intended as a slightly tongue-in-cheek expression, was misinterpreted by some as an accusation or indictment against men in general. I don't want to come across as husband-bashing.

Second, I use "Wives only Wednesdays" for my occasional mid-week posts directed at wives. That title rightly indicates a broader focus than just the role of wives in a biblical marriage. The Men Only title will also clarify that the occasional series for men is similarly broad in scope.

One of my goals for 2014 is to more regularly address husbands and wives separately through Men Only Monday and Wife Only Wednesday posts.

Enough with that, on to today's post.

Real Headship

The degree of misunderstanding and consequent outrage over what it means for a husband to be the "head" of his wife is a continual source of frustration for me. It's also a source of motivation for me to work diligently to educate and inform about this contentious issue with clarity and biblical backing.

I'm not going to spend any time in this post revisiting the arguments over the Greek lexicon or whether kephale actually means head. I've read and researched extensively on both sides and can only interpret Ephesians 5 to mean the husband is intended by God to have a kind of authority in marriage. Call it authority, call it leadership, call it headship, call it whatever you will, but whatever term you use, just make Jesus your definition of it.

Charting Biblical Headship

So the question to me is not so much whether  or not you, as a husband, have a God-ordained headship role in your marriage, but rather what that should look like.

I came across something on another blog recently that got me thinking about the attributes of strength and goodness and how these are really independent variables from each other in framing a husband's authority.

Confusing or equating these two attributes of your leadership can lead to a lot of confusion and mistaken understanding. To lend some clarity to this concept, I've put together the chart below:

What the chart clearly depicts is that there is only one quadrant that fits the biblical description of  how you should walk out your authority: with significant degrees of both strength and goodness.

In my next Monday post I'll go a little deeper into what biblical headship is not, by digging into the other three quadrants. But today I want to focus on the "Christ-like" quadrant.

A Strong Husband

The strength axis is a measure of your degree of leadership in your marriage (and family). Rather than being measured by how many decisions you make or rules you set forth, it's measured by your degree of emotional and physical presence. Yes, decisiveness is necessary and often helpful, but it's not the primary measure of leadership.

Demonstrate your leadership strength through your engagement with and involvement in the day to day life of your family. Be vigilantly aware of what's going on and how what's going on affects your wife and family. Be a proactive leader by stepping in and taking action when things start to go off track before crisis sets in.

Christlike leadership also looks like reliable provision, consistent protection, clear direction and unwavering trustworthiness.

A Good Husband

Goodness in a husband, to me, relates most directly to how he loves and serves his wife.

The tricky part of goodness is that "goodness" looks different for different women. Do you know what words and actions best say "I love you" to your wife? Do you do them on a consistent (daily) basis?

For many wives, love needs to be expressed in the form of feeling emotionally connected and knowing that her needs are understood and important to you. These require a significant degree of communication through conversation with your wife, not something all men are skilled at or comfortable with. Then it requires that you act in a manner consistent with your understanding.

Goodness means expressing your leadership with the heart of a servant. Self-serving leadership is what gives biblical marriage a bad rap, and it will cause your wife to resist your leadership and withhold her submission. Selfless leadership is what Jesus models for us. Learn from His example.

What do you think of the way I've charted biblical headship? Did I miss anything significant in the chart above? Share your thoughts in a comment.


Next: What Headship is Not

Take time to consider what season your marriage is in.

A week ago my wife and I dropped off our youngest daughter to begin her college career. That's right, we are officially empty nesters.

The significance of this new season still has not sunk in fully, but it's a big milestone. I realized a few months ago, the more my wife and I talked about it, that this change would have an especially hard emotional impact on my wife, Jenni.

I knew it would be really important for us to spend some time processing and praying into the coming season, so I found a deal on a rustic cabin a few hours from our home and booked it for the weekend immediately after taking our daughter. I wanted us to get away from our normal routine in a beautiful surrounding.  The photos in this post give you a glimpse of some of that beauty we got to enjoy.

Discerning the Seasons

All marriages face different seasons. Some new seasons are triggered by significant life events, like a child being born or leaving home, a move to a new city, or caring for an aging parent. Other seasonal changes might be more subtle, like increased work stress, minor illness, changing churches or jobs.

Whatever the cause, it is important to discern the seasons.

Start by keeping an eye on changing circumstances. Realize that changes can often impact one spouse more than another. My wife's reaction to empty nest, for example, is quite different than my own.

Even small changes might trigger a need to examine where you are and where you are going. Keep your eyes open.  Be watchful over your spouse and your marriage. Maintain intimacy and watch for signs:

• Do you or your spouse withdraw emotionally for long periods?
• Has the frequency of your sexual interactions dropped off?
• Are there seemingly unprompted emotional episodes (crying, anger, fear or anxiety)?
• Have sleep patterns changed (excessive or inability to sleep)?

Even if there haven't been any changes in a while, it is a good idea to periodically spend time together prayerfully examining your life and marriage and asking important questions.

Responding to the Season

It is critical to be proactive in communicating about, responding to and adapting to each new season.

During our weekend getaway, there were a number of things we considered as part of your reflections. Here are just s few suggestions:

• Ask your spouse, "What do you need from me in the coming season?"
• Identify how needs and priorities may have changed from the past. Don't assume.
• Get specific. Ask, "What would that look like to you?"
• Consider how you can stay connected and maintain emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.
• Talk about lifestyle changes that might need to accompany the new season. For example, my wife and I have decided that getting healthier through diet and fitness is something we want to focus on.

Importantly, spend time praying and especially listening to discern God's heart for you, your spouse and your marriage. He is eager to guide you lovingly into your future.

Attention Husbands!

I am going to say something now that will likely ruffle a few feathers. I believe it is the husband's responsibility to lead this effort. I believe it is part of the leadership mantle God places on husbands.

Every husband should be continually watching over his wife and marriage (and children) to discern and respond to seasonal changes. He isn't to control or dictate the response but to lead the conversation.

Yes, I know that conversation isn't a strong suit for a lot of husbands. Do it anyway. You won't get better at it until you put forth effort in that direction. If you aren't sure where to start, use the questions above as a starting point.

I'm not saying that wives shouldn't also be watchful and aware of seasons. I think most women are naturally more attuned to such things anyway. What I am saying is that a husband who steps forward in this effort will make his wife feel loved and taken care of in a significant way.

What new seasons has your marriage faced lately? What have you and your spouse done to keep your marriage strong in response? I'm sure some of you have some insights for the rest of us. 

How does your own "marriage baggage" influence your thinking on roles in marriage?

It seems that few things spark a furor like the topic of male and female roles in marriage. I've read a lot of posts and comments on this topic, but I'm always amazed at the lack of grace shown on either side of the egalitarian vs. complementarian debate.

Many in the blogosphere hold strong positions  and vehemently defend them. I willingly admit that my own opinions are pretty firmly entrenched, and I'm sure there are times when I've lacked grace in my own writing. I am trying to change my ways.

I have to remind myself that we are (almost) all striving for the same goal: strong, intimate, passionate and enduring marriages. We are all just seeking what works best. That is a good thing! And it's a good thing to keep in mind as we debate the issue.

We All Have Marriage Baggage

A majority of those debating marriage roles write from their own personal experiences. The strongest opinions seem to be held by those with strongly negative experiences.

• A wife whose first husband was an abusive authoritarian dictator will often argue strongly for equality and against any form of authority. 
• A couple whose marriage was transformed from constant battle to peace and harmony through the path of submission and headship will sing the praises of such an arrangement. 
• A husband whose sexless, passionless marriage was saved when his wife decided to no longer refuse sex, will swear that "never say no again" is the only way to go. 
• A wife whose husband was "checked out" before embracing his role as a loving leader will champion the cause of strong leadership by husbands.

The same goes for what we observe first-hand in the marriages around us. The marriages of parents, family and friends will strongly influence our marriage paradigms.

• Those whose parents are happily married for 30-40-50 years in a "traditional" marriage, will often lean in that direction. 
• If your father was heavy-handed and uncaring in the exercise of his authority, chances are you'll swear that any form of authority (and therefore submission) is dangerous. 
• Have some friends whose marriage fell apart due to a husband who abused his wife or a wife who openly disrespected her husband? Those failed marriages will no doubt weigh into your marriage paradigm.

The bottom line is that most of us will form our opinions by what we have experienced as working (or not) in our own marriage(s) or what we've seen work (or not) in the marriages around us.

What Seems to Work?

So is the whole discussion of roles in marriage simply a matter of figuring out what you think/observe/experience works best in your own marriage? If it's not a question of sin (which I believe it is not), why not just "do what seems good?"

As right and practical and tempting as that seems, what do we do with what the Bible says about marriage?

Of course scripture requires interpretation and application. I believe it's important for us to wrestle with some big, important questions:

• What did God have in mind when he created the first marriage back in Eden? Does it matter today?
• What does it mean that he created us male and female and declared it "very good."
• What are the marital implications of the new covenant and grace?
• What do words like "head" and "submit" and "respect" and "love" mean in the Apostle Paul's instructions on marriage?

Ultimately we need to come to terms with what the only valid metaphor for marriage, Christ and the church, implies about God's design for marriages - marriages like yours and mine.

I'm convinced that God's heart is for marriage. It's a huge deal to him - big enough that he framed our time-bound existence with marriages as described in Genesis and in Revelation. Long before he sent Jesus to be our bridegroom, even before the dawn of time, he knew he would win for himself an eternal bride. So he set up marriage to be a picture of his loving pursuit of a bride of his own.

In the next few parts of this series, I plan to dig a bit deeper into the issue of male and female marriage roles. I will be talking about things like what it means to be masculine and feminine and why that matters. I'll be talking about how we've screwed up God's original intent and how our counter-reaction to that hasn't really fixed the problem. I'll dig into the data on some current marriage trends and tie that back to the topic at hand. We will look at scripture and parse some Greek.

Over the space of this occasional series we'll look at the topic from many different angles.

As I embark on this far-ranging series, I hope this post will serve as a reminder for us all to be aware of how your own marriage "baggage" influences our perspectives. We should be aware that to more or less of a degree we are all the product of our own experiences, good and bad. But our experiences don't necessarily dictate truth.

Regardless of our past, let's agree together to look afresh at what the Bible says about marriage, to wrestle again with the difficult questions about gender and marriage. It's worth the effort. It matters.

 

"Male and Female He created them." But why?

During our recent vacation, I spent time madly catching up on the big backlog in my blog feed reader.

As usual, all this reading spawned dozens of post ideas (many of which I will probably never get to). I read a lot on one particular subject, and I was inspired to tackle a hotly debated topic that I've not touched on for a while: male and female roles in marriage.

Yeah. That.

It will take several posts to explore the topic, even in part. I will likely intersperse the series with some more lighthearted fare. I don't want things to get too serious around here.

As a prelude to this series, let me say that this is not a salvation issue. It's also not a sin issue. As such, differing opinions on marriage roles are just that - opinions. My own opinions are strongly held and thoroughly considered, but I also believe I can learn from the others with whom I disagree. I concede that each side of the debate probably has it partially right. We all see through a glass dimly. Let's try to appreciate that fact.

I am hoping to spark discussion. However, I am asking that we keep the discussion honoring, respectful and positive. Hostile, mean-spirited or snarky comments on either side of the debate will not be tolerated. Period.

Side note:  to be intellectually honest you should always seek to understand what those with whom you disagree have to say. Sadly, I find that many on either side of the complementarian/egalitarian debate only read and discuss the topic among those who share their opinion, thus adding to the deeper divide between the two. Similarly, it seems many Christians shy away from examining anything "secular" or not overtly "Christian." This series will likely stretch a few of these boundaries.
 
Yin and Yang

As I was catching up on my blog reader backlog I came across a post on the importance of yin and yang in relationships. In case the concept of yin-yang is unknown to you, it is the ancient Chinese concept that seemingly opposite (or more accurately, complimentary) forces are often deeply interconnected. Examples include light and dark, high and low, and, pertinent to our discussion today, male and female.

The article spoke of the balance and harmony created through difference and contrast in relationships. These get lost, the author posed, in our quest for fairness and equality.

Fundamental to the concept of yin and yang is the fact that you can't have yin without yang. It makes no sense. Light has no meaning without darkness. There is no high without low. And there is no male without female.

Now yin-yang is not a "Christian" concept, and the post I refer to was not on a "Christian" marriage blog. However, as I thought about it, it dawned on me that God is actually the original designer of yin and yang, even though the Bible doesn't use those terms.

Yin and Yang and God

Not sure about that?  Consider these yin-yang moments at the dawn of creation:

• Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. (Genesis 1:3-4)
• Then God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear"; and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And God saw that it was good. (Genesis 1:9-10)

And finally:

• Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them... Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good... " (Genesis 1:26-27, 31)

Why?

Clearly male and female are both created in God's image. In human creation there is no sense of more and less, no sense of difference in importance or worth.

But there is difference. There is distinction. Male and female.

So the pertinent question is, "Why?"

Is there anything more to maleness and femaleness beyond the physical differences for the purpose of procreation?

Egalitarians mostly argue for the meaninglessness irrelevance of gender in defining roles in marriage. Certainly those with an ardently feminist bent do so with vigor. It seems to me that to do so argues for yang without yin or vice-versa, and this cannot be.

Others try to uncouple yang and yin from male and female. Again, to me this is a non-starter. If we believe that God made us male and female for a reason, can we so easily disregard the distinction and purpose of the two?

My observation is that society (including much of the church) is pushing men to be less yang (male) and more yin (female). At the same time, other societal forces seem to compel women toward more yang and less yin (to be more like men).

Is this blurring of the lines between yin and yang a result of societal enlightenment? Or are we undermining God's intent for His creation? Are we finally overcoming eons of patriarchal suppression of women by men or are we simply allowing political correctness to blur our eyes from the truth? Tough questions.

What Do You Think?

I have more thoughts to share on this important topic, but I want to pause here to get your thoughts.

Would you do me a favor and answer the following question in the comments:

With respect to marriage, why did God create us male and female?

1. Sexual Surrender/Sexual Submission – What’s fascinating about this search it is the first time it has appeared with any significance. It jumped out of nowhere to number one. I can only attribute it to the“50 Shades of Gray” phenomena. The funny thing is that I only have ever addressed this topic in one short series, and none of the posts included anything about ropes or floggers. 

2. My Husbands Won’t Lead – This is the first time since I started checking search results (almost two years ago now) that this search term was not number one, dethroned by the “Gray” factor. I am still convinced that this is the number one issue holding marriages back today. Men have been conditioned not to dare “step up” yet many wives are desperate for them to do just that.

3. Sex – I don’t write a lot specifically about sex, though I do address it periodically in the context of discussing many other topics. The interesting and sad thing about the people finding my blog through a sincere search about sex (I threw out the obvious porn searches!) is that two thirds of the searches were related to sexual shame.  I think sexual shame is a particular problem in the Christian community, due in part to the church’s failure to deal candidly and openly with the topic. I also wonder whether or not there is a lot of shame associated with the recent explosion in popularity of erotica, particularly BDSM erotica.

4. Surrender/Submission – Off and on, I have written a lot about biblical roles in marriage, and I’ve given pretty equal treatment to the topic of a husband's headship or leadership, and a wife's submission. Consistently, however, submission gets the lion’s share of the search hits. My theory goes like this. There are a lot more wives trying to figure out how to walk out biblical submission than there are husbands looking for information on how to lead in a biblical manner (See #2 above.)

5. Intimacy/Oneness – The popularity of these search terms fall right in line with my New Reader Survey (take it now if you never have by clicking the link). Since I started the survey a few years back, the number one item people say they want to hear more about is “How to Grow in Intimacy.” What they are ultimately seeking is how to live the “one flesh” reality that the Bible describes, which includes spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy.