Journey to Surrender

You have the chance to agree with heaven's definition of who your spouse is.

By the title, of course, I don't mean whose name appears on your marriage license. I mean do you know who they really are; who God created them to be? Can you see him or her the way  heaven does?

This is a follow up to last week's "Who Are You?" post.

So why spend time discussing identity on a marriage blog? It's because identity is one of those hidden forces that affects your marriage every day. It's foundational.

Your identity affects how you view yourself and others. It affects how you (or how you don't) express and receive love. Believing lies about your identity will hold you back in your marriage, your career, parenting, ministry and every other dimension of your life in which God wishes you to thrive.

Who is Your Spouse?

Yes, it's important to understand who God says you are. It's also really important to understand who God says your spouse is.

Do you look at your spouse as God does? Who is he/she at the core of their being? It's a hugely important question.

Your spouse's identity affects the way you interact with each other on a daily basis.

• What says "I love you" to him or her.
• What are his or her aspirations and dreams?
• What makes him or her feel joy?
• What causes him or her to feel valued and appreciated?

One of the biggest reasons for you to really "get" your spouse's identity is to help him or her fight against "identify fraud." The enemy (sometime referred to in scripture as the accuser) loves to feed us lies about our identity. Your spouse needs your help combating those lies.

Seeking to Change and Control

I'll come right out and say this, because it's important. Identity fraud doesn't just come from the enemy. It can also come from our own spouse.

There is a natural tendency in marriage to try and change or control our spouses so they conform to who we want them to be. We all do it from time to time. Most often this revolves around trying to get our needs met in some way or to get him or her to love us in the way we want to be loved.

We've probably all heard that trying to change your spouse is mostly futile. You can't actually control someone else. You may be successful at manipulating their behavior to suit your expectations and wants for a short time, but in the long term it's just not sustainable, and it isn't love.

More than likely, in truth, trying to control or change our spouses will often produce the very opposite of what we want.

Agreeing with God

Ultimately, your goal should be to agree with the true identity God has placed in your spouse.

I wrote last time about the two kinds of truth we want to agree with. There are those important universal truths that describes our identity in Christ as believers. And then there are the truths about your spouse as an individual. It's important to have an understanding of both.

There's more to tapping into your spouse's identity than just being a careful observer. Sure that can help, but if that is all your rely on, it equates behavior with identity, and we all know that we sometimes act out of an immature expression of our identity. When you know who your spouse really is at the core of their being, you have the opportunity to spur him or her on to walk in their true identity.

Knowing your spouse's true identity is what allows you to have grace toward them when their actions fail to line up with who they really are.

You have the opportunity to be a powerful ally with heaven in reminding your spouse of the truth. 


Can't see the video? Watch it here.

The song “Dancing in the Mine Fields” written and sung by Andrew Peterson has been posted on marriage blogs and passed around the internet quite a bit, So much so that I had previously decided to pass on posting it here. But I cannot resist. It’s just that good.



If you can’t see the embedded video, click here for the YouTube link.


As a songwriter, I rate the song as a work of true lyrical craftsmanship. The words just beg to be sung, which is the hallmark of a strong lyric. The word choices are fresh and he avoids trite, over-sung love song expressions. The metaphors are strong and not cliché. The melody meshes precisely with the lyrics – fitted like a glove. The guitar riff is akin to much of the stuff I write and play, so to me it struck me in my musical sweet spot. In all, It’s a great song in and of itself, but that is not why I’m posting about it..

Again, speaking as a songwriter, I find the only weak spot is the title. Now it is a given that the selection of the first line of the chorus as the song title is a popular convention, at least in a verse-chorus song. But the real payoff of the song (what’s referred to as the lyrical hook) in my mind is the last line, “I believe that’s what the promise is for.” Granted, “Dancing in the Minefield” is catchier than “The Promise” and has more commercial appeal because of the unique imagery it paints.

The point of the song is not the minefields. It’s the promise.

Why do I think the song is really about the power of the promise? It’s because I believe that marriage is a covenant relationship and that at its root it is a spiritual union as much as or more so than it is a civil one. It is a promise made to each other before and to God. I know that society at large doesn’t necessarily value it as such, but whether it is recognized or not, when two people promise to love, honor and cherish one another, till death do they part, something shifts in the spiritual realm. At that point, I believe, a husband and wife are joined in a mysterious way in their inner most beings.

This promise is the first step toward becoming one flesh. The bond that is formed in the process is much deeper than the goose bumpy feelings we feel on the surface. When the Goosebumps get blown up in the mine field and swept away in the storms, what remain is the promise. Would more marriages endure the hardships that ultimately come if they better understood the covenantal nature of marriage going in? Maybe. Am I saying you should always stay married no matter what? No.

What I’m saying is that the promise we make to each other, the covenant that we enter into, is what can see us through the minefields and the storms and the times that are harder than we ever dreamed. In the words of the descant, "Don't give up on me."

What do you think of the song, of it’s title, and the role of the promise in marriage?