Journey to Surrender

A little more than two weeks to go. Do you have a plan?

You know what I'm talking about.

Are you one of those husbands who gets a mild panic attack when he thinks about Valentine’s Day? Or maybe you have decided V-Day is nothing more than a creation of crass commercialism, which you are not going to buy into. Perhaps you leave the romance department to your wife.

Whatever your stance, I’m going to challenge you to do something different this year.

I’m challenging you to man up and make a plan for Valentine’s Day.

A Plan Says I Care About You and Us

You want to hear a secret when it comes to romancing your wife? Lean in, let me whisper it to you, so your wife won’t overhear.  It almost doesn’t matter what you do. That’s right, as long as it is clear to her that you put a lot into it and that you are excited about it, she will love it. No kidding.

Here’s why. When you put forth effort to romance your wife she will receive it as you pursuing her. And your wife loves to be pursued.

Also, she will see it as you leading in your relationship’s emotional intimacy department. And your wife loves it when you lead.

Finally, taking the time and effort to plan something special tells her you care about her and her needs and that you care about your marriage. And your wife loves to feel cared for.

No More Excuses

So if I’m right about the fact that you almost cannot fail, you have no more excuse not to step up and make a plan. You’ve got time.

Still not sure where to begin? Here are four basic steps to point you in the right direction:

1. Keep it secret - The element of surprise adds to the romantic effect
2. Make it multi-faceted – your plan should involve more than simply presenting her with a gift. Make it something you can spread out over at least several hours or even all day. It could even be something to be played out over weeks or months in steps.
3. Focus on her – one problem men have in planning romantic encounters is that they don’t separate sex and romance the way women do. What I’m saying is that your whole purpose should be to bring HER pleasure in the way SHE desires. Depending on your wife, that may or may not include overtly sexual expressions.
4. Show your heart – this can be hard one for many men, who don’t typically major on feelings and expressing them. If you want to really bless your wife, get past your discomfort and pour out your feelings about her.

If you include these four basic elements to your plan, it will be a tremendous hit. I promise.

A Little Inspiration

Still needing a little guidance? Here are some examples of some successful romantic encounters that I have planned out and performed for my wife. I have shared these here in the past, but here are the links for easy reference.

• Romantic Balloon Pop – A dozen surprises hidden inside a dozen balloons - great fun! 
• 100 Things I Love About You – This is a great one, and you don’t need to make it 100 if that is too daunting!
• Homemade Spa – A personally designed day of spoiling relaxation. Sure to be a hit! 
• Surprise Getaway – Kidnap your wife for a romantic getaway. My wife's description of one of the many times I've done this for her. 
• 14-Day Intimacy Challenge - Give your wife two weeks of intimacy – HER way. Do the challenge in the two weeks leading up to February 14th or the 14 days following.See the end of this post for details on how to get the challenge.

Alright guys! I've given you the reasons. I've given you key tips. I've given you examples. 

Now get out there and PLAN something!

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You can follow the daily links to do the Intimacy Challenge online on this page.   Or you can get a convenient pdf of the challenge for free via email when you sign up for my Pathways monthly intimacy newsletter. (Hurry, though, the February edition is coming out in just a few days with lots more romantic ideas!) Sign up on my blog  or right here:

• Financially – budgeting, planning, managing money, setting goals
• Spiritually – praying with and for your wife and family, attending church together, talking about what God is doing
• Sexually – yes there are men that need to hear this
• Parentally – guiding and instructing the kids, discipline, spending time with them, giving your wife time off
• Practically – helping out with the house, yard, dishes, cooking, laundry
• Recreationally – planning vacations, fun activities with the family, movies, sports
• Emotionally – being available and interested in your wife’s life, emotionally supportive, being a friend
• Romantically – non-sexual touch, sweet notes and love letters, hold hands, date nights

This is a follow up to last week’s Man-up Monday post to husbands about what I sense is the perhaps the most pressing problem for marriages in the church today: husbands afraid to stand up and lead. Today’s post is intended to help you avoid a few disasters as you step forward to lead your wife.

This post was inspired by something Sheila Gregiore wrote as part of her 29 Days to Great Sex series. (Concluding post of this great series is here, and has a complete list of all the posts). In the post in question, she describes how withholding sex from your partner or demanding certain things does great damage to a couple’s sex life.

I want to extrapolate that idea and apply it more generally to a husband’s leadership role. From my observations, withholding and demanding are two of the biggest leadership mistakes a husband can make.


Intentionally or not, we’ve all done it. We’ve all held back something we know our wife needs or wants in retribution for not getting what we want or feel we deserve.

Have you ever withheld affection when she’s refused or rebuffed your sexual advances? Have you ever backed off on communication with her when you feel she has acted disrespectfully toward you? Have you ever intentionally broadly withheld your input or guidance in response to feeling challenged about a decision you made? Have you ever backed off leading because you don’t like how she pushes you to lead more?

Here’s the deal when it comes to withholding: it doesn’t work. In fact it actually works against you. Sure it’s natural and easy to respond against our wives when we feel neglected, offended or challenged, but holding back from meeting her needs is only going to make the “problem” worse.

This may sound harsh, but withholding is basically an act of selfishness. It is, in effect, saying to your wife, “You aren’t giving me what I want, so I’m not going to give you what you want either.” What that does is perpetuate a cycle of selfishness in both of you. As each of you become reactive to not getting your needs met, you withdraw and withhold from each other further. It's a death spiral. When you refuse to love her, cherish her, connect with her, or lead her, she will tend to respond by becoming less interested in sex, less respectful, more confrontational and pushy.

You end up getting more of what you don’t want.


The other common leadership error husbands make in response to not getting what they want is to demand it. You probably already know what I’m going to say. Demanding doesn’t work any better than withholding.

Now it may be possible for you to initially get more of what you want by demanding it. Your wife may bow to your anger and frustration for a season, especially if she is afraid of you or fearful that your marriage is threatened. But it’s NEVER sustainable. It will damage your relationship and eventually things will crash and burn around you.

If you think to yourself, “I’m in charge, and I have a right to demand things from my wife,” you are not leading her; you are attempting to enslave her. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I’m just calling it like I see it.

Whether you are demanding her submission, her silent acquiescence to your decisions, her sexual availability, or her obedience, you are doing significant damage to your relationship. Eventually, she will flee your domination. She will eventually refuse your demands (typically in an emotional explosion), seek someone else who will treat her better, or worse yet, decide to abandon your marriage altogether.


I want to remind you that you can be both strong and good in your leadership. These two things are not mutually exclusive. Jesus is your role model for leadership, and he was definitely very strong and bold, yet totally good and loving.

Don’t think I’m asking you to lead weakly by never asking for what you want. I am however, asking you to put your wife first, to be willing to lay down selfish demands and to stop withholding as way of manipulating her into giving to you. I am asking you to love her selflessly, regardless of how she responds. I am asking you to make your needs and wants know in a loving and non-demanding way. I am asking you to delight your wife with your love and to lead her in a way that adds joy to her life.

I’m asking you to love her like Jesus loves you.

You’ll be surprised that when you start loving your wife lavishly, giving to her according to her needs, without pre-condition or expectations, you will find that she will respond in kind. It may not be immediate or in the exact way you expect it, but when you pursue her unrelentingly with love, she cannot help but respond.


Related Posts:

• Exhibiting Spiritual Leadership from Brad at One Flesh Marriage
• Husbands, Lead with Love
  
  

I posted a couple times last week on the touchy topic of submission (See “A Picture of Submission” and “The S-word and the F-word”).

I’m moving from the sensitive topic of submission to the downright controversial topic of headship. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!

That’s right, this week I’m talking to husbands about their role in marriage. Listen up, husbands, this week is going to be for you.


My wife will tell you, I’m not one to hold back from saying what I think. That sometimes gets me into a little trouble, but that’s just the way I’m wired.

I’m going to make one of those bold statements right now:

The reason there aren’t more biblical marriages today is not because too few wives are willing to submit to their husbands. It’s because too many husbands are afraid to lead.

Now don’t flame me. I know there are husbands who err on the other side and abuse their authority. I believe that historically that has been a big problem and the main cause of the pendulum swinging so far the other way. But the pendulum has indeed swung.


I think there are several contributing factors to the reticence of so many husbands to assume the mantle of authority that God has placed on them. Some or all of these may apply to you:

• Manliness is not so much admired or celebrated as it is broadly maligned and denigrated in society at large
• Fear of failure, of making wrong decisions or of leading poorly
• Lack of good male role models
• Not knowing how to deal with a strong wife in a way that preserves her strength yet acknowledges your leadership
• Unable or unwilling to defend the biblical notion of a husband’s authority against peer or family pressure. What will they think of me?
• Fear of taking responsibility
• Lack of correct biblical teaching by the church on what constitutes genuine, Christ-like headship
• Unwillingness to do the hard work of leadership. Yes, sometimes it’s hard work.
• Feeling disqualified due to past mistakes.

I may have missed some others, but these are the ones that stand out most to me.


The first step in claiming or reclaiming your proper role is to realize that whether you accept it or not, God has placed you in a role in your marriage. Acknowledge the fact that you have authority, regardless of how or whether you use it.

The next step is to get educated. Thankfully I’m seeing more and more people willing to write truth on the topic of the role of husbands in marriage. Paul Byerly, aka The Generous Husband, wrote a few really good posts in just the last week.

• Being the Head
• Sexual Submission (and Headship)
• How We Do Headship and Submission

I have written a few recommended posts as well:

• Husbands, Lead with Love
• What if My Wife Won’t Let Me Lead?
• Being Both Strong and Good
• Are you Smothering or Covering?

If you read all that and still have questions, please feel free to email me using the Contact tab at the top of this page.

The third step involves a conversation with your wife about all this. Maybe you are afraid to broach the subject for fear of her reaction. Maybe you have been shot down before. I suggest that rather than using generic emotionally charged words like headship, submission and authority, you instead paint a picture for her of what that looks like. It looks like unconditional love. It looks like sacrifice and laying down your life for her. Tell her you want to learn to be both strong and good for the sake of your marriage. Explain that your highest desire is to love her and lead her well.

The final step is to make some concrete changes in the way you do your marriage. Make a specific plan that flows out of the learning you’ve done and the conversations you’ve had. Talk to your wife about your plan, or better yet, just start to lovingly lead her. Here are a few things to consider doing:

• Tell her you want to get a handle on your finances and that you want to sit down together to make a budget.
• Suggest that you pray together. 
• Instead of asking her where she wants to go to dinner, you pick the restaurant – one that you know she enjoys
• Defend her against those who come against her. Make it clear that you are on her side.
• Take a more active role in parenting, demonstrating your love for your kids
• Write her a letter, a love letter; base it on what you have been learning about loving her like Christ loves the church
• Plan a weekend getaway – plant it all: the child care, the packing, what you’ll do. Bonus points if you can pull off a surprise.
• Honor her with your words – every day. Tell her how beautiful she is and how thankful you are that she is your wife.
• Hold her until she makes you let go.

Are you ready to step out and lead? Why not go for it? If God has placed you in authority and given you the responsibility of leading your wife with love, why not set it in your heart to do it well?!

If you missed my last post, “Surrender vs. Satisfaction,” which sets the stage for this post, please go back and read it now before reading on.

Today I am addressing husbands on the topic of sexual surrender. I’ll be addressing wives in my next post.

For you as a husband, sexual surrender starts with the understanding that for your wife, sexual oneness flows best out of emotional oneness. I’m not suggesting you hide or deny your sexual desires or your sexual nature – these are God-inspired and God-given. What I am suggesting is that you must acknowledge that you are joined to a woman who doesn’t work the same as you do when it comes to sex. Your sexual surrender means understanding and cooperating with rather than working against your wife’s sexual nature.

• Don’t accuse her of being sexually cold just because she isn’t constantly after your body the way you are after hers. That’s generally an unrealistic expectation.
• Develop or enhance your romantic nature in order to satisfy your wife’s desire for emotional intimacy. It’s not acceptable to simply say “I’m not the romantic type.” Find your own way of romantic expression and emotional connection, but find it just the same. She needs this from you.
• Scripturally, the “rights” to your wife’s body belong to you Likewise, she has the rights to yours. (1 Cor 7:3-4). For me these verses speak more to mutual sexual fulfillment than to simply to the act of sex. Viewing these verses through the lens of surrender implies that you must focus more on fulfilling her desires than on demanding that yours be met.
• Sexual surrender implies cherishing and nurturing your wife’s sexuality as your own. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” (Eph 5:28-29) Make sure you are feeding and caring for your wife’s sexual nature, not crushing and reshaping it for your own self-satisfaction.
• Part of your sexual surrender includes loving your wife “as if.” What I mean is that even though your nature is to require sexual satisfaction in order to feel and act emotionally connected to your wife, I challenge you to give yourself emotionally and romantically to your wife “as if” you are already completely satisfied sexually. In other words, you go first in surrendering.

Surrender in the sexual arena can be among the more difficult aspects of your Journey to Surrender. Sex is not only an emotionally charged topic that comes with all kinds of historical baggage, but dealing with it requires vulnerability and trust. Regardless, I encourage you to face your sexual surrender head on, with confidence, love and grace, no matter where you are in your sexual relationship. There is always room for more sexual intimacy in your marriage.

As husband, you have the chance to demonstrate Christ-like loving leadership of your marriage through your sexual surrender. Rather than pushing your wife for the sexual satisfaction you desire, pull her into deeper sexual intimacy by meeting her need for emotional connection and romantic encounters. Nurture her sexuality in a loving and patient way that cooperates with rather than punishes her for her nature.

If you want to deepen sexual intimacy in your marriage, you must lead the way.


Suggested reading for husbands:

• Men and Women Are Different – Who Knew?
• The Sexual Reality for Most Women

Next in this series: Concluding Thoughts on Sexual Surrender

Part 5 of “What I Believe About Marriage”

I mentioned last time that I believe that the biblical order God intends for marriage is best described as an ordered partnership. But what exactly does that mean?

Today I’m gong to direct some straight talk to husbands about their biblical role in this ordered partnership. (The wives side will come with this week’s Wives Only Wednesday).

In simplest terms, I believe your role as a husband is to love, lead and serve your wife.

Loving Your Wife

Scripture sets the bar pretty high for us husbands on this one.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Ephesians 5:24 (NIV)

I think the biggest reason husbands don’t do better at loving their wives as Christ loves the church is because they don’t really know how Christ loves the church. Specifically, I’m calling you to invest yourself deeply into knowing the love of Christ through whom the tremendous emotions of God toward you are revealed. Men, you do your wife a great disservice if you shy away from your bridal identity, because it is only in the intimate knowledge of the love of your heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus, that you can truly know how to love their wives. This is so hugely important! Get over it and learn to be a bride of Christ.

A few chapters before Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, he explains that the love of Christ is so vast as to be unknowable, yet he goes on to say that getting to know it is the very key to a full life in God (Ephesians 3:17-20). It is also the key to knowing what it means to love your wife with unconditional, passionate, pure, selfless love.

Loving your wife means loving her on her terms, not yours. Go back and read my recent post on how the top marital needs of men and women differ so greatly. Loving your wife how she needs to be loved will require you to become a student of your wife, learning how to delight her beyond her wildest dreams. It also requires a daily, consistent demonstration of that love through things like showing tender care, maintaining emotional intimacy and making sure she feels protected and safe.  This is not a quick fix or a sliver bullet. It’s a lifestyle of love.

Check out this amazing description of Christ’s love from earlier in Ephesians 5, just before Paul tells you that this is what you are to emulate.

Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

Leading Your Wife

I believe, as I said in my last post, that God grants a certain authority to husbands in the ordered partnership of marriage.

I know that not everyone agrees with me on this. However, I think the reason so many people have a problem with the notion of husbands having authority in marriage is that they have the wrong paradigm. The authority they think of is the tyrannical corporate boss, the corrupt politician, or the heavy-handed drill sergeant. There are so many examples of authority and power being used incorrectly.

How are you to lead as a husband? Lead with love, like Jesus does. I believe that if the “love” part of your role is fully understood and acted upon (see above), the “lead” part of your role becomes a huge blessing to your wife. Without a good grip on the love part, the lead part can easily turn oppressive and self-serving.

Not all husbands will take up their authority, and not all husbands will wield their authority wisely or well. Regardless, I believe that the authority is theirs nonetheless, because I believe it is authority delegated from God the Father in accordance with his design for marriage. It is not a question of earning your authority, it is really a question of what you do with the authority you have already been granted.

I’ve mentioned before that by far the most common search that lands people on my site is “husband refuses to lead” or variants on the same. This search is followed closely by some combination of the words “husband” and “dictator.” Your goal is to never give your own wife a reason to Google either one!

Believe me when I say your wife probably longs for you to walk in your God-given authority. Yes, she wants you to lead her, but lead her with Christ-like love.

Serving Your Wife

Jesus came to serve and save the church through the ultimate sacrifice of giving his own life for her. Most of us husbands will never be called upon to serve our wives in this way, but we are called to serve them in the way we love and lead them on a daily basis.

How did Jesus serve those he loved? He washed their feet. He calmed their storms. He set them free from bondage. He led the way to the Father. He was full of grace and truth, light and life, peace and joy.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Philippians 2:5-7

Your authority in your marriage does not give you the right to simply make all the decisions or to tell your wife what to do. It comes with the right to lay down your life for her and to serve her. I hate the way some people portray the biblical order and husbandly authority as a thoughtless, disheveled man issuing edicts and orders from his Lazy boy. But you know what? There’s probably a reason, a really bad reason, for that stereotype.

My heart’s desire is to see millions of good, loving, strong husbands walking out their authority like Jesus, in such an exemplary and powerful fashion as to wreck these negative stereotypes forever.

I’ve been expounding lately on the recent poll I took that showed some pretty dramatic differences in primary needs between husbands and wives.

Today, as a related Man-up Monday post, I want to issue a specific challenge to husbands.

My challenge is for you to be bold enough to show her or tell her about the results of this poll, and ask her which are among her most important needs. Then, I want you to be really bold, and ask her how you are doing at meeting those needs. Ask her if there are areas where she feels her needs are neglected or disregarded or even if there are just some things you could do to better show her your love for her in a way that is consistent with her love needs, whatever they are.

Your challenge in the course of this conversation is to not get defensive and start explaining to her all the ways in which you are already doing things to show her your love. True as those things may be, the point of this challenge is to find out where she feels unmet needs. There is no wrong answer. Listen to her heart and receive what she says with the intention in your own heart to make her feel more loved.

Do Something!

Even if you think her needs are silly, if you think you are already doing a good job of it, and even if you can’t comprehend why should would feel that way, determine within yourself to move toward becoming one by working at being more attentive to her expressed needs.The goal is a deeper level of intimacy between you.

The last step after this important conversation is to put together a specific action plan of what you are going to do in the next week to improve at showing your wife love in the way she needs it expressed. The idea here is to do something specific about what you’ve learned from her.

Here are just a few suggestions to start you thinking and to give you and idea of the kind of things I am talking about, but because every couple is different, you will need to find the things that will work for your own marriage.

• If her need is to feel more emotionally connected with you, take specific steps to engage with her on an emotional level. Have genuine conversations about what’s going on with her life or your life, talk about spiritual matters, ask her to pray together, make some out-of-character little romantic gestures, go for a walk together.
• If her need is for feel cared for and like her needs are being considered, offer to give her a back or shoulder massage (non-sexual!), buy her a small considerate gift out of the blue, ask for her opinion about some specific matters you are considering and go with her suggestion, talk about her five year ambitions and hopes, then pick one and take the first steps toward making it a reality.
• If her need is to feel more protected and safe, find out where she if feeling vulnerable or unprotected (financially, spiritually, sexually, relationally, etc.) and do something that will help allay her fears.

Whatever the need area is that she tells you she needs more from you on, do something about it. Do something specific and do it immediately.


Suggested Link:

Kate from One Flesh Marriage just posted along a very similar vein "How a Woman Wants to Be Loved. Some sound advice for  husbands from a wife's perspective.

I came across a short video by Danny Silk answering the question, “What has happened to men in modern times?”  (sorry the video was not embeddable)

I half expected the usual “men are becoming feminized and shrinking back from leading their families.” But knowing how Danny Silk often takes a different tack, I was not too surprised that his answer took an entirely different direction.

I hope you watch the video, because he makes an interesting case.  But if you don't have five minutes to watch, here is the culminating point:

Two thirds of divorces are in initiated by women. Women in droves are trying to get away from men who don’t know how to love. If men don’t learn how to love this trend will just grow.

Husbands, I’d like to hear your opinion on what Danny has to say. Do you agree?

Today I’m glad to welcome back Man Up Monday, a periodic feature written directly to husbands.

I routinely check out the search terms that send people to my blog. This sometimes humorous, always informative endeavor is what leads me to today’s post.

By a significant margin, the terms that most point people here are ones like these:

• my husband needs to man up
• i need my husband to lead
• how to let my husband lead the family
• i like feeling like my husband has authority over me
• my husband doesn't lead
• what if my husband doesn't use his authority

What is striking to me is that the second largest group of search terms are ones like these:

• husband dictator
• my husband acts like a dictator
• sep[a]ration control[l]ing husband scripture
• how to love a dictator husband
• dictator like attitude

During the course of our marriage small group I asked the group who they thought had the tougher job in walking out their biblical role in marriage, husbands or wives. It was pretty much unanimous: husbands. I asked why, and most said it was because husbands are called to be like Jesus in loving their wives. (Yes, we are all called to love like Jesus – no argument. We were discussing Ephesians 5 and the biblical directive of wives to walk in submission to a husband’s Christ-like love).

The challenge for us husbands is exemplified in the two groups of search terms above. We must master the tension between being strong and being good. Unfortunately, many husbands fail to find the right balance.

Error on Either Side

Some simply abdicate their authority altogether and refuse to lead (first search group above), becoming disengaged, disinterested and unwilling to, as many searchers put it, “man up.” There are plenty of societal influences that denigrate masculinity and strength, pushing men instead to be “nice guys,” to get in touch with their emotions and remain passive. If you are such a husband, your wife is likely left feeling frustrated, lonely, burdened and unloved.

Be Like Jesus

So how do we, as husbands, learn to be both strong and good? The answer is to be like Jesus. The first thing that we need to realize is that these two are NOT mutually exclusive. Look at Jesus. He was clearly both very strong and very good. Yes, he was a strong man, yet full of love. Full of power and yet completely humble. He was a man of passion and of compassion. He was our model of a servant-hearted leader.

Jesus is our Bridegroom and he is our King, a lover and a leader, without compromise in either area.

Yeah, we husbands have a pretty tall order. 
Be like Jesus. Strong and good.

Maybe it is a bit stereotypical to say that men don’t like to ask for directions. I admit it, the stereotype fits me pretty well. It’s stupid really, when I think about it, the way I’ll drive around in circles, fuming mad, when I have difficulty finding a destination. Why don’t I stop and ask for directions?


What is it that keeps men from wanting to ask for directions? Is it pride? Is it fear of looking weak and inept?

I’ve been thinking about why it is that there aren’t more men showing up in the comments of the marriage blogs I read, even though many are written by men. The same is true for this blog. I don’t get a lot of comments, but it is mostly women who post comments here. (Side note: the reader survey showed that 45% of my readers are male, however) I suppose there are statistics that show how women are more engaged in the blogosphere, something about their social nature or whatever.

But I wonder.  Is it that men are as uncomfortable asking for marital directions as they are when driving around town?

I am almost certain that for all of the couples who are participating in our marriage small group at church it was the wife’s idea to join. Why is that? I mean, I admit it, if I weren’t leading the thing, I probably would not run to sign up for it myself. But why is that so?

I don’t think I should draw too many significant conclusions about the lack of a male presence in the marriage blogosphere. But I would like to use the opportunity to encourage husbands to ask themselves this question:

Are you genuinely open to receiving martial directions?

More to the point, ask yourself if maybe you are in a little denial about whether or not you could use some help, encouragement, fresh ideas or renewed focus on your wife and your marriage? With this Man-Up Monday post, I’m encouraging my male readers to challenge themselves again not to become complacent. There is always more available to you than what you are walking in right now with your wife. More passion. More intimacy. More trust. More openness and freedom. More sex (yeah, now I have your attention). Get engaged for the sake of your wife and marriage.

Let me put this in the way of a challenge:

Set it in your mind to LEARN something new about marriage every week.  Even better, set it in your mind to DO something to improve YOUR marriage every week.

As part of that I’d also ask you to also consider getting engaged and involved in the conversations here at Journey to Surrender. I think you could lend some much needed additional perspective from the trenches of real marriages.


Note:  Due to a technical glitch, this Man Up Monday post is coming out on a Wednesday.  And no, it isn't because I got lost and refused to ask for directions...

I don’t focus much on children in my blog, but truthfully, for couples with children, it’s impossible to ignore the significant impact that your children have on your marriage (and vice-versa). Last week I posted about the importance of getting away from your kids for some serious alone time. This week, as part of my Man Up Monday series, I want to talk specifically about the critical role of fathers.

From my observations I would say there are two primary areas where men tend to disengage and turn the reigns of leadership and responsibility over to their wives. One is in spiritual matters (I did a Man-up Monday post on that back here). The other is in child rearing, my subject for today.

Shifting Societal Attitudes

Though I think the attitude that “child-rearing is women’s work” is less prevalent today than it has been in the past, men who refuse to take a significant and appropriate role in their children’s lives do so to the peril of their family. I believe that fatherlessness is epidemic in our society and contributes significantly to many of the social and economic ills we face today. I quoted a while back that research indicates that 40%of children born in the US in 2008 were born out of wedlock. That number is stunning, and it is creating an entire generation with an orphan spirit.

There are many fatherhood issues I could choose to focus on, but I’ll narrow it to three for today.

The Father Heart of God

I focus rather heavily here on the bridegroom aspect of God’s nature found in Jesus as it relates to marriage. But the father-heart of God is an equally important dimension of God’s nature. I believe that when we begin to get a personal revelation of this fabulous dimension of God it can really propel our earthly fatherhood role to new heights. It is also true that relating rightly to your children, as a reflection of our heavenly father, can greatly increase their understanding of who God is and how he feels about them. (That is not to say that kids cannot overcome negative father images by divine revelation.)

A Different Perspective

I believe fathers and mothers bring something different to the parenting partnership and that it is important to have both. Jennifer Anniston’s recent pronouncement that “women don’t need a man to have children” notwithstanding, the truth is that fathers play a critical role in the healthy development of children, a fact which I believe is born out by much research. The difference in contributions to parenting became evident this past weekend when my wife and I flew together across the country to drop our middle daughter off at school. Jenni (my wife) was focused on nurturing my daughter, her safety, and her emotional well-being, while I was focused more on practical and logistical matters. My daughter needed both.

Your Involvement Speaks Volumes

Lastly, your involvement in your children’s lives speaks volumes to your wife about your love for her. It tells your wife that you place a priority on this critically important aspect of her life. Your gift of time with your kids not only gives your wife a much-needed break from the stress of child-rearing, but tells her that you share in her burden to see that your children are well cared for.

So let me encourage you to go a step further than you‘ve gone before in fathering your kids. Love them, discipline them, spend time with them, instruct them, and encourage them. Father them.

Be an active partner with your wife in the raising of your children and help her launch them into their destiny.

In an effort to encourage a bit more interaction here on Journey to Surrender, I decided to form a poll question around today’s post.

The poll and the discussion I’d like to spur is about the challenges you face as a husband to stand in your place of authority as a Christ-like loving leader of your wife and family.

Take a minute to answer the poll question. Note that multiple answers permitted in this poll.



Email subscribers and RSS Readers come over to the blog or click this direct link to the survey.

Kathleen started a discussion over at from Project M by asking what we thought about the phrase, “marriage is hard.”  It got me thinking about the whole challenge/reward equation of marriage. My take is that you get out of it no more than you are willing to put into it. If you want a great marriage, then you should work at it. And the same applies to your role as leader of your family. If you want to do a good job leading your wife and family, then you will need to work to overcome the challenges that you face in doing so.

After you answer the poll question, please leave a comment about why you picked the answer you did and also. But more importantly, leave a comment about what you can do to rise to the challenge.

What do you do when life hits you in the face, causing you to feel unable or unwilling to be the kind of leader in your home that you know you should be? When disappointments and difficulties overwhelm your desire to stand strong in your authority, how do you get back on your feet again? I could pretend that this never happens to me, but that would be a lie. As a matter of fact, I’ve been struggling through such a season in recent weeks, and in the hopes of helping other guys who might find themselves in similar situations, I decided to address this very real issue head on.

In preparing this post, I decided to pretend to be that guy – that husband who just feels too beat up to stand up and lead (OK not so much pretend). I supposed that I stumbled across my blog via a Google search about husbands and leadership, which isn’t a stretch since I seem to get a lot of hits from similar searches. After roaming through the blog and not finding anything that directly addressed my dilemma, I supposed that I wrote the blog’s author with a direct question something like this.

Hi Scott,

I came across your blog today and I found some good stuff here. I agree with much of what you write about the roles of husbands and wives, but I have a question that I didn’t see addressed anywhere.

What do I do when I just feel like I can’t lead right now, when difficult circumstances and bitter disappointments cause me to be withdrawn into myself, moody, and even angry? I know I’m supposed to be this good, faithful, strong leader, but right now I just don’t have it in me. Please help me get back on track.

Weary Husband

So how would I reply to someone like Weary Husband, who, like me, finds himself struggling with the burden of leadership in the face of difficult circumstances? I tried to step back and be objective, forgetting for a moment that it was actually I who wrote the inquiry. (Not to worry I’m not going schizophrenic.) Here is what I think I would say.

Hi Weary Husband,

Thanks for your email. I’m sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now. I’ve had those kinds of seasons of struggle myself, so I definitely identify with you.

Let me start by saying I don’t just want to quote platitudes to you or tell you what you “should” be doing. When you already feel beat up, you don’t need more legalistic junk piled on top of it. So receive what I say as encouragement. I simply want to hand you a set of tools to help you out with what you are trying to do. Which ones you use and what you do with them are totally up to you.

First of all, it’s important to remember that authority over your family is not something you earn – a husband’s headship is a God-ordained biblical principle. In times of stress I sometimes forget that whether I’m leading well, poorly, or not at all my role doesn’t change. So when you don’t feel up to the task, I might suggest you turn to the One who gave you the assignment in the first place. Maybe you found the post from a while back where Matt from the band Sanctus Real prayed, “God I need you to lead me so I can lead them. I can’t do this on my own.” That’s a good prayer. Sometimes just the acknowledgement that we need help can help lift the weight off.

Next, remember that your leadership comes out of the attitude of your heart. I know your heart probably feels bruised by your circumstances, so it can be hard to keep your mind in the game, to keep your emotions in check and to maintain the right priorities. Sometimes we just need to feed our souls with a few basic truths about what constitutes godly leadership toward your wife and family.

• Be real – You probably came across the phrase I like to use about getting real with each other. I call it being “naked without shame.” Us guys don’t always like to admit our problems – we are afraid of looking weak or something. But your wife loves you and knowing what is going on with you helps her feel connected to you, even in your struggle. And don’t make the mistake I often do of thinking that I don’t need to tell her again because I told her last week and nothing has really changed. Keep her constantly in the loop of what you are dealing with.
• Love your wife unconditionally – that means regardless of your own condition too. Remember that the Bible defines your headship role in terms of love. That doesn’t mean you have to be some kind of fake Mr. Romantic. Just remind her that your struggles don’t change how you really feel about her, though it may sometimes affect your ability to express it like you normally would. She needs reassurance of your love.
• You don’t have to have all the answers – I know I sometimes make the mistake of thinking leadership means having all the answers to everything. It doesn’t. The authority God has given you doesn’t come with some kind gift of omniscience. But he has given you a loving wife, good friends, and godly pastors to help you figure it out. Asking for help doesn’t make you are a failure.
• Tell her what you need – It’s true that Jesus is our role model for leadership and that in him we find the heart of a servant and not an overbearing dictator. But that doesn’t translate into never asking for what you need from your wife. I forget that sometimes. She usually wants to help carry your burden, but she may not know what she can do to help. Tell her, in loving terms, how she can help you. Maybe you don’t’ know exactly, but be as specific as possible.

I hope some of this was helpful to you. I’ll also point you to a few other posts that may be of use here  and here .

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ll be praying for the hand of God to be on you and your marriage as you work through this difficult season.

In Christ,
Scott

What do you do when you feel like you aren’t able to stand strong in your place of authority in your home? Do you have any advice for Weary Husband?

Man Up Monday this week is a call for husbands to invest themselves fully in the spiritual vitality of their homes.

I mentioned in my post Vive La Difference that there were two areas where the reader survey responses differed most between the men and women respondents. Men had a much greater interest in understanding the opposite sex (no surprise, but that is a post topic for another time). Women, on the other hand, had a much greater interest in spiritual issues than men did.

Women’s Work?

I’m not sure why it is, but it seems that many husbands seem to think that spiritual matters are principally the domain of their wives. It may not be true in your case, but my observation, born out by the survey, is that men tend to take shrink back from the responsibility for the spiritual atmosphere and direction of their household.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, men, the leadership and authority you have in your home begin in the spiritual realm. I’m not trying to beat you up with that statement, but rather to simply make you aware of a biblical truth. If you haven’t been aware of this before, or if you’ve not acted on it, the question is what will you do about it now?

What is a Spiritual Leader?

What does it mean for a husband to be the spiritual leader of his home? It doesn’t mean you have to become a theologian. It doesn’t mean you have to get into some kind of spiritual competition with your wife. It doesn’t mean many of the things you might be afraid it means.

Spiritual leadership starts with making your own spiritual journey a priority. Don’t get trapped by the mindset that equates spirituality with a whole bunch of rules and requirements, as if jumping through enough holy hoops will somehow bring you close to God and empower you to lead your family. Let me encourage to forget the rules and focus on relationship. When relationship is right, the rules take care of themselves.

Start with Prayer

Although ultimately you are the one who must decide how you will lead your wife and home spiritually, let me give you a place to start. Prayer.

Prayer, which is nothing more than conversation with God, is the foundation of our relationship with him. And it’s a very low-overhead way to jumpstart the spiritual leadership of your home. Pray as you drive to work. Pray with your wife, at bed-time or in the morning or both. Pray with your kids. Pray as a family. Make prayer a priority, but don’t make a religion out of prayer itself. It’s fine to develop prayer habits and routines, but be aware that the most important thing is to keep it real. Make every prayer a genuine conversation. And you don’t need to worry if you feel you can’t pray flowery, beautiful, eloquent prayers. God is pleased by the genuine expression of your heart, not by the impressiveness of your words.

Keeping Prayer at the Center

If you are already walking in authority as spiritual leader of your home, let me congratulate you. But let me also encourage you to infuse your efforts with more prayer. I have to constantly remind myself that my walk with God is based on my relationship with him and not on what I do for him. I would say that, given a choice between the two, he would much rather I be with him than do for him. Although I’m a long way from it, I want to get to the place where I live my life is an open prayer, much as the way Jesus did when he walked on the earth.

Another hard thing for me is to develop a natural and immediate prayer response. I have a tendency to say things like, “We should pray about that,” putting it off for later, which doesn’t always happen. It’s more effective if I can just say instead, “Let’s pray about that right now.” It isn’t always possible to stop and pray, but it’s possible a lot more times than I actually do it.

And a last thing that I strive for is to make sure my conversations with God aren’t just one way. I should spend as much time listening as I do talking, but that is a really hard one for me. When I do it, though, I find that it makes a huge difference. God has so many good things to say to us!

How about it men? Are you ready to man up and join with me in making prayer a higher priority? Do you have some tips from your own prayer life that you can offer the husbands here?

In today’s Man Up Monday discussion, I want to encourage you to examine your role as a “covering” for your bride and get you to answer an important question:

What kind of covering are you providing to your wife?

Part of the authority that God gives husbands comes in the form of providing spiritual, emotional, physical and material covering for their wives. But what does it mean for us to provide covering for our wives? Consider for a moment that the literal interpretation of the word often translated as “submit” in Ephesians 5 implies that a wife is “to arrange herself under” her husband. But think for a moment, what kind of covering are you inviting her to remain under?

For me it’s helpful to consider various coverings in the natural and whether or not these are fitting metaphors for the kind of covering I want to be for my wife. For example, in the area of garments, do I act more like a comfortable sweater, providing warmth and protection, or do I act more like a straightjacket by stifling, controlling and restricting her freedom?

Here’s just a quick list of some other types of covering, some desirable metaphors, some not so much so. Take a look at my list, then add your own with a comment below.

• Umbrella – provides shelter from the storms and protection from the elements of life
• Ground cover – some ground covers, like ivy, tend to invade everything and takeover, even where it doesn’t belong.
• Phone/camera cover – protects something of value that may be delicate and breakable, perhaps even irreplaceable.
• Mask/Makeup – Do you try to make your wife into something she was never made to be, as in covering with a mask? Or do you try simply to enhance and beautify her natural self, as in a tasteful application of makeup?
• Pool cover – keeps stuff out that doesn’t belong.
• Bible/book cover – closely protects something of value that you want to last but without restricting use or movement
• “I’ve got you covered” – does she know that you are watching out for her and that you have her protection, safety and wellbeing at heart?

There are dozens more kinds of covers that come to mind. Some of these we would want to emulate in the leadership of your marriage, others perhaps not. The important thing in this is to take seriously your role as a cover for your bride, to not neglect or run from this responsibility, but to execute it in a way that provides protection, refuge and comfort without stifling, controlling or interfering with your wife’s true nature and calling.

Can you think of other covering that would be a fitting metaphor for a husband’s role as a covering for his wife?

Yes, you read that title right, men. This week's Man-Up Monday post is about being a bride.

I believe strongly that in order for us husbands to adequately grasp our biblical role in our marriages, we MUST learn first-hand what it means to be a bride. Now let me clarify; I’m not talking about experimentation with cross-dressing! No, I'm not asking you to don a wedding dress. What I am talking about is learning what it means to be the bride of Christ.

Let me remind you what Ephesians says about biblical roles in marriage:

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.     Ephesians 5:24-25

Honest question: which verse did you focus on? Wisdom says you only get to focus on the instructions to you, not the ones to your wife. Got that guys?  You wife's submission to you is not your job to work out, it's between your wife and God.  Your job is to love your wife as Jesus loves the church.  Not so sure about that?  Well, let me jump a little further down in that chapter:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church.     Ephesians 5:31-32

The first verse is a quote from Genesis. I talked about it in my post on intimacy. But what I want to emphasize is the second verse. Paul is saying, in no uncertain terms, that there is a divine mystery in the husband-wife relationship, and that is that it echoes the relationship between Christ (our Bridegroom) and us as the church (his bride).

I don’t know about you, but that wrecks me every time I think about it. Jesus wants to be one with you and me, the same way a husband and wife are one in marriage. Now don’t go goofy on me, of course it isn’t a sexual relationship we have with Jesus, but the level of intimacy and oneness echoes the sexual relationship in marriage, with the same power and passion.

As a husband, in order to be like Christ to your bride, you simply must endeavor to comprehend what it means to be the bride of Jesus.  Knowing this love is the only way you can give this love. This is no easy task. It’s a lifelong pursuit that has no endpoint this side of heaven. In fact, Paul tells us a few chapters earlier in Ephesians 3, in his prayer for the church, that we cannot fully know this unknowable love of Christ; our limited human minds simply cannot comprehend the depth of his passion and the height of his desire for us, the length of his zeal and width of his jealousy for us as his bride. Yet, we must pursue the knowledge of our bridegroom’s love if we are to lavish that same kind of love on our own earthly brides. Ultimately, knowing this love is how we are to be “filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:19)

I’m going to make a bold statement:

• If you think that the passionate pursuit of the knowledge of the love of Jesus is just a wishy-washy, touchy-feely thing for the women folk; if you refuse to make your role as the intimate and desirable bride of Christ a centerpiece to your life in God, then you will never completely fulfill the role as husband that God intends you to fulfill.

What do you think? Am I overstating the importance of men needing to understand their bridal identity?

As part of the redesign of The Journey to Surrender I will be introducing some new regular features. The first of these to be rolled out is Man-Up Monday.

Welcome to the first official installment.

What is Man-up Monday? It is a series of topics and challenges, posted every Monday, written especially for husbands. You could say my post “The Body Image Battle,” which has been my most read post to date, served as part of the inspiration for Man-up Monday. If you haven't read it, go do it now.  Go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back.
The other reason for Man-up Monday? Your wife wants it.

When I started this blog, I honestly expected to get a lot of grief from wives. I supposed that the notion of the bridal paradigm (that marriage was designed by God and modeled for us in the relationship between Jesus, the bridegroom, and the church, his bride) would generate a lot of negative response from women. I expected to hear such things as “Submission? Oh please,” or “That’s not fair,” or “What, am I supposed to be some kind doormat?” or similar statements, in response to the biblical notion that a man is to be head of his wife and lead her in a manner that reflects Christ’s love for the church.

So far at least, I haven’t heard much like that. Rather, what I can tell you, men, is that by an order of magnitude the most popular search engine terms that have landed people on my blog have to do with husbands not stepping up as leaders. Here are just a few recent examples (direct quotes from my blog tracking system):

• Christian husband won't assume leadership role in family
• when your husband won't lead (phrase appeared 3 separate times)
• husband won't step up and be the leader
• what to do when your husband wont lead the family
• how can i get my husband to lead
• my husband doesn't lead this home

And these searches are only from the last two weeks.

The bottom line men, is that your wives are eagerly looking for you to lead them and to step into your God-given role of authority in your family. Don’t believe me? Just ask your wife. But don’t ask her unless you are ready to respond by “manning up.“

What does it mean to man-up? Short answer: it means being like Jesus toward your wife. Tall order, you say? Yes, it is. But you are called to nothing less.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25

Stay tuned to future Man-up Mondays, where we’ll continue to unpack these simple biblical truths that have the power to radically impact your marriage. Consider subscribing by email (see left side bar) so you don’t miss an issue!