Journey to Surrender

Happiness in marriage is a by-product, not a goal.

I've been digging through some 450 posts for the big move to my new website (yes, it's coming!) and found a few gems that I'll be re-posting as Friday Favorites in the coming weeks.

Read on for why pushing responsibility for your happiness onto your spouse is a bad idea, and be sure to check out the insightful TEDTalk.

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I’ve pondered before whether or not happiness is really the right goal for marriage.

Lately I’ve been rethinking the whole question of happiness. I’d like to share my thoughts and get yours.

The following three statements, which may seem at first blush to conflict with each other, are the three happiness axioms I’ve landed on:

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

What does it mean to be happy? Truthfully, for some reason I’ve never much liked that word; it has always seemed a bit shallow to me. I’ve typically thought of happiness as being controlled by external circumstances and therefore fickle and fleeting. I know, I’m weird like that.

But the dictionary says that to be happy is to be “delighted, pleased, or glad” over something or someone. Happiness is “characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy” in response to the things going on around you. These actually all sound like pretty good things.



So after some consideration, I’ve resolved in my mind that happiness isn’t a bad thing at all, but I still don’t believe that we should look at marriage as primarily about our personal degree of happiness.

To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.


I’ve often heard folks blame their spouse for their unhappiness. I’ve heard it used as a reason for divorce. I’ve heard it used to defend some pretty cruel behavior. “I deserve to be happy” is the common mantra.

That doesn’t cut it with me.

I have learned over time that I can’t hold my wife accountable for my happiness. I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it. It’s my choice. My happiness is my responsibility.


By extension, then, my wife is also responsible for her own happiness.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I should act that way. Instead I should purposefully try to make her happy, as best as I know how. I should love her, serve her, lead her and cherish her in ways I know delight her.

Her happiness should be important to me, because we are one, and I get to share in any happiness I bring to her life. How cool is that? Why wouldn’t I want to make her happy?

Both my wife and I know that ultimately God is our only reliable source of happiness.

We find in Jesus all the things that make marriages truly happy and enduring: selflessness, surrender, strength, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness. All these he makes available to us and to our marriages.

So next time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse or with your marriage, realize that you have the power to choose happiness, regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. Realize that love, joy and peace can all be yours by the Holy Spirit. Then turn things around and choose to do something purposefully just to make your spouse happy. I think you’ll be amazed at the good fruit it produces.

I shared this TEDtalk with our small group a few weeks ago (thanks to The Generous Husband). It’s a compelling and humorous case for the fact that we often look to outcomes in order to gain happiness. We say things like “If I work at it then my marriage will get better. And when my marriage gets better, then I’ll be happy.” But that is actually backwards.



Direct TEDTalk Link

Shawn Achor makes the case that by choosing to be happy now, we actually stand a better change of having a better marriage. Fascinating concept. I like it.


What’s do you think of my three axioms of happiness in marriage?

• The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
• You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
• Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you
  
  
  

Are body image issues keeping you from being "naked without shame" with your spouse?

My posts on body image are consistently very popular with readers. The high level of interest in this topic convinces me that this is a major issue, especially for women, and something that hinders both physical and emotional intimacy in many marriages.

If you or your spouse struggle with body image issues, be sure to read these posts and take action to deal with it. It's worth it!!

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The Body Image Battle

This is a post directed at husbands, encouraging them to help their wives win the ever-present war that rages against their self-image.

Your wife is in a major battle. It’s an important and difficult battle. In this battle you must choose sides. You can choose to fight for her or against her. There is no middle ground, because if you are not fighting for her, in her mind you are fighting against her...

Read the post

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The Body Image Battle Continues

This is a post directed at wives, encouraging them to embraces some basic truths about their bodies. Among them:

• Your husband wants you to feel beautiful
• Your husband already knows the parts of your body you don't like
• Your husband likes your body
• Your husband is attracted as much by your confidence as by your appearance

Read the post

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What If Your Husband Really Does Love Your Body?

This post is part of my "What If..." Series and a Wives Only Wednesday post that encourages wives to ask themselves this question:

How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

Read the post

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If your marriage is being negatively impacted by body image issues, I encourage you not to just live with it as something "normal." It may be common, but that is no reason not to do something to address it.

Never stop working toward deeper intimacy!

I posted another popular intimacy post, Choosing the Path of Intimacy, in a Friday Favorite a few months ago. Below is another top twenty post from that same series on intimacy.

From the original post "Intimacy - As Much as You Want."

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This is the fifth in my series on choices that lead to The Path of Intimacy. Go here to see where this started and to get a complete list of the related posts in this series.

Would it offend you if I told you that you can have as much intimacy in your marriage as you want? I know it’s a risky statement. And I know there will always be exceptions, such as a spouse who is ill-willed, abusive and/or unwilling to put anything into the marriage.

But in general, I believe two things about intimacy

1. You can have as much or as little intimacy in your marriage as you want.
2. There’s always more.

How Much Do You Want It?

There’s an important companion question to the question of how much intimacy do you want. How much do you want it?

Intimacy is organic, a living thing. So if you want it to grow then you have to feed it. A lot.

Left untended, the natural track of intimacy is decline. The Path of Separation, as I call it, is an easy one, and to some extent it is the path of human nature. It is easy and natural for you each choose to focus on your selves, your own needs, your own fulfillment and satisfaction. If you choose to live mostly self-focused and self-protected, intimacy will eventually wither and die.

The Path of Intimacy, on the other hand, takes deliberate choice, or should I say deliberate choices. Lots of them.

I believe that optimally there’s a progression of sorts on The Path of Intimacy, as I’ve said before. It starts with spiritual intimacy, which enables and deepens intimacy in the realm of the soul (emotional and intellectual intimacy), all of which culminates in the ultimate act of intimacy, sexual.

There can be breakdowns or issues anywhere along the way. If it is more sexual intimacy you are after, look back to spiritual and emotional intimacy for issues that need to be addressed. Are spiritually connected? Do you pray together and talk about your spiritual lives regularly? How are you doing with emotionally intimacy? Are you willing to be “naked without shame” in the realm of the soul? Are you transparent with your spouse and intellectually honest? Do you express love in the way your spouse wants it to be expressed? Husbands, do you cherish, protect and nurture your wife? Wives, do you show your husband the kind of respect and admiration he seeks?

How much are you willing to invest to get the kind of intimacy you want?

There’s Always More

Regardless of where you are on the Path of Intimacy, there is always further to go. I purposefully use the word “journey” to describe the lifelong pursuit of deeper marital intimacy. It never stops. Or at least it doesn’t need to.

If you are feeling stalled or even if you are feeling like you have maximized the intimacy you enjoy with your spouse, ask yourself whether you have stopped investing in it. There is always more you can do to stretch yourself and your marriage in ways that enhance intimacy.

Again, I encourage you to look broadly up and down the path for opportunities to grow intimacy. In your sex life, how often do initiate things? Do you try out new ideas or seek new adventures in physical intimacy? As for intellectual intimacy, have you considered learning a new hobby together, taking dancing lessons, researching and visiting a new country, or jointly getting involved in a worthy cause? Is the emotional intimacy between you still growing, or have you decided you already know everything about each other there is to know? In your spiritual life, think about reading a good book the would spur you to spiritual growth, joining a small group or getting involved in a ministry.

Each area of intimacy feeds the other, so as the two of you continue to learn how to live your “one flesh” union, make sure that intimacy is thriving and growing in your whole beings: spirits, souls and bodies.

Focus on Your Part

There’s a strong temptation when dealing with the area of intimacy to play the blame game. It’s easy to blame our spouse for the lack we feel in the intimacy department. While the truth is that maximum intimacy is only achieved when you are both work at it diligently, it is also true that you can only change you.

Of course I encourage honest, open, and non-defensive expression of needs and desires. After all, your partner can’t possibly satisfy and delight you (which should be their primary focus) if he or she doesn’t know what you want and need. But truthfully, most of your effort should be focused on what you can do in your role as husband or wife to enhance intimacy. What are you doing to satisfy and delight your wife or husband? Where are his or her needs going unfulfilled?

If at all possible, and this is where it gets really hard, do the things you know you should do to enhance intimacy without the expectation of getting something in return. You want to avoid the mentality of “giving to get” and instead think in terms of “giving to bless.” This is the way of selfless and unconditional love.

Where are you on the Path of Intimacy? How much more do you want? And what are you willing to do to get it?

Grace is ultimately an invitation to intimacy.

Grace and Love. I call these the bookends of marriage. Of all the ingredients that are important for a long-term passionate and intimate marriage, these two are absolutely essential, because they are what hold the whole thing together. 

Coming in at number 5 on my all-time most viewed posts is the first post in my series on grace, which appears below in its entirety. It's a must-read Friday Favorite. Links to the other 3 posts in the series can be found at the bottom of this post.

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Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

Rom 5:1-2

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The rest of the Grace Series:

• The Big But
• Beware the Toxic Mixture
• Does Grace Mean Not Caring?

Sustaining intimacy in marriage is all about the daily choices we make.

Today's Friday Favorite post is an all-time top ten post that examines the truth that the intimacy in your marriage is either growing or declining - and you get to choose which.

Next week I'll be sharing some more from the "What is Intimacy?" poll responses I received last week, but for now I'll just share this chart.
What it tells me is that regardless of how long they've been married, on average couples are less than fully satisfied with the level of intimacy in their marriage - only "somewhat satisfied." There was surprisingly little variation over the years of marriage. (Exception: the one person who took the poll who was in their first year of marriage was "completely satisfied").

There is lots of room for improvement in the area of intimacy!!

Building and maintaining intimacy requires consistent attentiveness to your marriage. There is a natural drift onto The Path of Separation that happens when we take our eyes off the goal of having a deeper connection.

Check out this Friday Favorite post and the links to the whole intimacy series. Then determine to take some concrete action to put and keep your marriage on The Path of Intimacy.

By the way, if you haven't taken  my "What is Intimacy" poll you can still add your answers to the results. Take it here.


From the original post: Choosing the Path of Intimacy

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Intimacy is a funny thing. Not ha-ha funny. But strange funny.

Ask a dozen people what it is, and you’ll get 13 different answers. Men and women tend to define intimacy differently, and I think there are also some generational differences in how people look at it. It’s elusive and hard to pin down. If you ask a married couple if they are feeling intimate with their spouse at any given time, they will probably tell you how they feel (yes/no/somewhat), but they may not be able to say exactly why.

As elusive as it seems, most everyone seems to understand its importance to marriage.  As my new reader survey results continue to show, intimacy is one of the most sought after topics on my blog. So even though I've touched on it periodically, I decided it's time to really give the topic the attention it is due.

Intimacy is a Living Thing

It is important to understand that intimacy is organic; it’s a living thing. As such it is either growing or dying. Very few living things can stay dormant for very long and still survive.

Regardless of how you define intimacy, you are either growing toward each other or growing away from each other as a couple. I look at this dynamic as a couple either being either on the Path of Intimacy or on the Path of Separation. And make no mistake; you are on one or the other.

The Path of Separation

When left to inertia and natural human tendencies, intimacy will tend to decline. It just doesn’t happen on its own. It takes a conscious effort to get on and stay on the Path of Intimacy, whereas the Path of Separation is easy to enter and even easier to stay on.

This is why so many couples seem to wake up one day suddenly asking themselves questions like: “where has the passion gone?” or “why does he always treat me like that?” or “why doesn’t she trust me?” or “why does he leave everything to me?” or “does she always have to be such a nag?” or “isn’t she attracted to me any more?”

The Path of Separation that leads to these questions can be a subtle one. You may be on it for months or even years before you realize that you are in a marriage that lacks the kind of intimacy and passion you once had; the kind of intimacy and passion you desire. Often by that time old habits and patterns of thinking are deeply ingrained, making it difficult to reverse course and get back on the Path of Intimacy.

But it is possible. Very possible.

The Path of Intimacy

Wouldn’t you rather wake up one day saying things like: “Wow, I didn’t know it could be that good after all these years,” or “I can’t believe we are still so in love,” or “this just keeps getting better and better,” or “I’m so thankful I married my best friend,” or “You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

I plan to spend some time on the important topic of how to choose the Path of Intimacy. I want to look at how the choices we make either put us on the right or wrong path when it comes to intimacy. I want to examine things that destroy intimacy and things that build it up.

If you desire a more deeply intimate marriage, stick around for this series and join in on the discussion.


Index to the rest of the Intimacy Series:

1. Intimacy - It's Not What You Think!
2. Intimacy - Choose Trust
3. Intimacy - Choose to Lose the Shame
4. Intimacy - As Much as You Want
5. Intimacy - The Most Important Ingredient

It's a special Friday! I'm combining a Friday Favorite post with Friday Freebie giveaway.
I have proposed here on multiple ocassions that intimacy is the primary goal of marriage. I explained why I believe that in today's Friday Favorite post, "What if Intimacy Matters Most?"

It's because of the Bridal Paradigm, which is my understanding of myself as the bride of Christ. It is through that lens that God portrays the perfect picture of marriage. It is through that lens that I see Christ as my Bridegroom, looking for an eternal bride. Christ's pursuit of me, a pursuit that cost him his very life, was not so that I would follow all the religious rules. No, Jesus' pursuit of me was so that I could live in intimacy with him forever as his bride, starting right here and now. (Sorry guys, if you want to be a great husband you will just have to get over yourself and get a clear picture of what it means to be a bride.) 

If Intimacy Really Matters Most

So if you buy into my belief that intimacy is the most important goal in marriage, what should you do about it?

You have to work at it! More from my What If post:

Genuine intimacy in marriage doesn't happen on its own. The natural state of a relationship is not intimacy but coexistence. Left untended, a marriage can easily devolve over time into little more than being excellent roommates.

Focusing on Intimacy Changes Everything

If I really put the goal of intimacy with my wife ahead of everything else in our relationship, a lot of things would have to change.

• I would no longer see having my personal needs met as the most important thing in our relationship. Instead of asking "What can I get from her?" I would ask, "What can I do to keep us close?"
• I would not depend on my wife to make me happy and to keep me that way. Instead, I would find the greatest happiness when our intimacy is deepest. I would gladly take the lead in our pursuit of every form of intimacy.
• Demanding my rights and insisting on my "fair share" would be replaced by looking out for what is best for our marriage and our relationship.
• When I feel offended or disappointed, instead of reacting by keeping emotional distance, I would press closer to her, seek to understand what is really going on, and do my best to eliminate whatever is standing between us.
• Instead of giving my wife only my leftovers, after my job and ministry and chores have taken everything out of me, I would make sure I have sufficient physical, emotional, sexual, and mental energy to give the best part of me to her.

Defining Intimacy
(and the Freebie)

If we are going to make intimacy of primary importance in marriage, we probably need to understand what it is.  I have my own ideas, but I would really like to know what you think intimacy is.

So I've created a little giveaway incentive to get you to tell me your thoughts. I'm giving away three copies of my "Intimate Connections for Couples" workbook (spiral bound, hardcopy) to three of you who will give me your thoughts. Enter using the Rafflecopter contest below. You can get exra entries by tweeting about the contest and sharing it on Facebook, but answering the short survey question is required to win.

I'll be posting some of your answers here next week in a follow up post. Don't worry, the survey is entirely anonymous. Contest closes Tuesday at midnight, so click below and enter now!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Love is not simply an emotion you feel. It’s something you choose to wear.

Today's Friday Favorite comes in honor of "The Day of Love" - Valentine's Day.

Sadly, the word "love" is so much overused today that it's lost most of its meaning. Valentines Day marketers make it even worse. In this season, it seems especially important to consider what love actually means, and, more importantly, how we show love.

Today I'm revisiting two posts I wrote as part of my "Dress for Success" series, based on the Colossians 3:9-14 passage that describes how we are to put on our "new self," adorning ourselves with things like patience, kindness, and humility. The New Living Translation of this passage concludes with how we are to put on love above all else:

The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Col 3:14 (NLT)

But what does it mean to "put on love?" Read on...

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Did you ever think of love as something you choose to put on, something you wear on purpose?

I love that image, because it refutes the notion that love is just something you feel or don’t feel, a giddy emotion that might be there one day and gone the next.  When you limit love to an emotion, it makes it fickle and fleeting. And if this is love, then it is easy to put the onus of “staying in love” on our partner and their behavior.

When you think of love as something you wear on a daily basis it completely changes the game. It becomes a personal choice.

Where Do You Learn to Wear Love?

How do you put on love? Let me point you to a fabulous piece of advice from scripture. It’s one that I quote often around here:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

Love like that - like Jesus. Yeah, that’s it. He is where you learn to love. Extravagant. Selfless. Giving everything for the sake of intimacy with us. He held nothing back tp pursue His bride. Neither should we hold back in pursuing our spouse.

I’m not kidding about how important getting to know Jesus' love is! The best way to put on love is to put on Jesus. And to do that, you have to know him and be a student of his love.  Here's how the Apostle Paul sums it up a few chapters earlier.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV)

The key to fullness in life is also the key to fullness in marriage. Paul makes it clear in this passage that we cannot fully know the dimensions of Christ’s love. It’s a lifelong pursuit. Don’t assume you get it. You don’t. I don’t. We can't. It’s impossible. There is always much more that can be revealed to our “inner being” by the Holy Spirit.

Ten Ways to Dress Yourself with Love

Before I give my list, be aware that your spouse’s love languages play into this greatly (see suggestion one!). What looks like a really nice love outfit to you is likely not the same to your spouse. To wear love well, you have to be a student not only of Jesus and how he loves, but of your husband or wife and what love means to them. This is HUGELY important!

1. Take the five love languages quiz together if you haven’t already. Do something specific this week to meet your spouse’s top need.
2. If you are a lower drive wife, pursue your husband by wearing something sexy to bed or by initiating sex. Husbands, pursue your wife by asking her on a date and making all the arrangement or paying her genuine compliments on her appearance, character or deeds. See more pursuit tips on this post.
3. Choose to make a sacrifice of your own preference in order to honor your spouse’s preference, like picking a movie they would rather watch or a restaurant they would rather go to. But don't play the martyr! See the Relevant Magazine article: What does Laying Down Your Life Really Mean? 
4. Do something to serve your husband or wife. Do a chore of theirs they’ve been meaning to get to for a while. Serve him or her breakfast in bed. Thank your spouse for something her or she did to selflessly serve you recently. 
5. Put your love down on paper. By this I mean write a love letter (not in an email, but using real paper, written by hand). Do it out of the blue, for no special reason except to convey your love. Husbands without the gift of prose can check this link from The Art of Manliness. Here is a link of suggestions for wives from The Intimate Couple.
6. Share the gift of non-sexual touch. Hold hands. Walk arm in arm. Hug. Give a neck or foot massage while you are watching TV. Be generous with your touch.
7. Ask an intimate question and be ready to really listen. Husbands, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel unloved?”  Wives, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel disrespected?”
8. Give public praise to your spouse. Brag on him or her in front of others. Post a picture of something great they did on Facebook. Tweet your undying devotion. See my post: The Power of Public Praise.
9. Practice listening well. Make eye contact. Be empathetic. Don’t try to fix everything, but be willing to just be a compassionate shoulder.
10. Say "I love you"!!  Regularly tell your spouse how much you love and adore him or her. Say it often. Don’t assume they know. And say specifically why!

Of course this list is only a small starting point. Hopefully it got your own creative juices flowing and you will be able to come up with many more ways to put on love for your spouse.

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Let me leave you with an amazing YouTube video story of how discovering the meaning of love through encountering Jesus' love and grace restored on couple's marriage.


Can't see the video? Click here.

Today I'm starting a new feature called Friday Favorites. On most Fridays I'll be going back in time and revisiting some of my most-viewed older posts. If you are new around here, you'll definitely want to check them out.

Today's Friday Favorite post is an all time top 25 post about kissing, 10 Ways to Change Up Your Kissing Routine. I've also mashed it together with parts of this post: Why a Kiss is Not Just A Kiss.

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If "a kiss is just a kiss" then you are doing it wrong.

To me, a kiss is:

• An intimate physical expression of the oneness you share
• A publicly acceptable way of showing affection for your spouse
• Eliminates emotional space between your by eliminating physical space
• As close as you can get to each other without actually having sex
• A great way to keep your physical relationship on simmer
• A cheap, fat-free, sugar-free, guilt-free treat. It can, however, be habit forming

Science Daily claims that a University of Albany study "found sex differences in the importance and type of kissing. Males tended to kiss as a means to an end -- to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner."

Ten ways to change up your kissing routine

1) Kiss across a crowded room - Some enchanted evening, catch your spouse's eye across a room full of people. Smile, pucker your lips make a kissing gesture toward him or her.  It tells your partner that you are thinking of them and loving them despite the crush of humanity between you.

2) Nibble Kiss - Add a little variety by nibbling or gently biting your spouse's lower lip after a more tender kiss.

3) French Kiss - A famously promoted but seldom mastered kiss where your tongues dance together. The trick here is to go slowly and not simply thrust your tongue wildly (that's fine for later, after things heat up). Tease his or her lips with the tip of your tongue. Probe gently and wait for a response before taking things up a notch.

4) Possessive Kiss - Catch your lover off guard by transforming a simple short kiss into a hot, deeply sensual kiss. Wrap your arms around him or her, hold them tightly and kiss like you mean it! This sends the message "you are mine!"

5) Earlobe Kiss - Not  everyone likes their ears messed with, but those who do would love to have their earlobes nibbled gently. Whisper a sweet nothing while your are there. Careful though, loud smacking kisses near the ear can really hurt!

6) Cold Kiss - Use and ice cube or mint to cool your mouth before you kiss. It provides an interesting sensation. If your partner is game it can be very sensual to pass it between you with your tongue while you kiss.

7) Nuzzling Kiss - When things are heating up, leave a trail of gentle kisses down one side of your partner's neck and back up the other side. You'll be sure to send tingles through his or her body.

8) Show and Tell Kiss - Ask your partner to describe his or her favorite kiss, and then try to deliver it.

9) Upside-Down Kiss - Catch your partner laying down and approach him or her with your head opposite theirs for an interesting kissing sensation.

10) Almost Kiss - Bring your lips close together and see how long you can go without actually touching.

Take a Kissing Challenge

Kissing Challenge #1 - Makeout Session

See if you can spend ten minutes in a good old fashioned make-out session. Can you make it the full ten minutes with only kissing, nothing more? What you do after the ten minutes is up is totally up to you!

Kissing Challenge #2 - A Kiss to Remember All Day

When your husband/wife leaves for work today (or some other opportune time) give him/her a kiss he’ll/she'll remember all day. Make it at least 10 or 15 seconds. Wrap your arms tightly around him/her and press your bodies together. Your goal should be to see if you can make your spouse dizzy. Later in the day, call, text or email them to say that you have another kiss like that waiting for when they arrive home. Make sure you follow up and give that second kiss.

Are you a kissing couple? Do you need to improve your kissing game? Do you have a favorite kiss? Kiss and tell, it's okay! Leave a comment.

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In case you missed it from my last post, I've got a special 25% off introductory sale going on for my fun, new workbook, "Intimate Connections for Couples." Special ends on Valentines Day, so hurry!