Journey to Surrender

Simple ways to support and encourage your husband's spiritual leadership without being controlling or demanding.

Welcome to Wives Only Wednesday. It's been a while since my last WoW post, so as a reminder, these are posts I do specifically for wives. Husbands can check out the related Men Only Monday post: 3 Simple Ways to Lead Your Wife Spiritually.

Most Christian wives I know are longing to have their husbands take up their God-given role as the spiritual head of the household. So how do you encourage your husband to lead? Many wives either have tried and failed or aren't sure what to do.

(Note: these suggestion are for Christian couples and do not address the situation of an unbelieving husband. Also note that the "What Won't Work" section is especially true for a non-believing spouse.)

What Won't Work

There is a principle that says you can't push on a rope. When you try pushing, all you get is a tangled mess. This rope principle applies to roles in marriage. Below are some examples of pushing.

Criticism - Many husbands won't step up and lead spiritually because they fear they will fall short or embarrass themselves. Criticizing your husband's spiritual life will only exacerbate his fear of failure and judgment from you. The higher the expectations you heap upon him, the less likely he is to step up. Communicating dissatisfaction will likely have the very opposite effect you hope for and cause him to pull back from expressing his spirituality to you. Be aware that he can easily view even well-intentioned questions as accusation ("Did you pray about that?").

Nagging - Demanding your husband be a stronger spiritual leader won't work. That is actually you usurping his leadership and will cause him to shrink back further. Nagging him about his spiritual habits will have the same negative effect. Such question as "When was the last time you had a quiet time?" or "Have you read your Bible today?" are actually just veiled attempts to control his spiritual life. It doesn't work.

Comparison - This is probably an obvious one, but pointing out what other husbands are doing to lead their families spiritually will only make him feel like a failure and inadequate in your eyes. Just don't do it.

What You Can Do

All of the approaches listed above amount to trying to control your husband. You and I both know that the only person you can control is yourself. Controlling amounts to pushing on the rope of your husband's spiritual leadership, and it will probably backfire.  So, what can you do to help create an internal "pull" in your husband's heart to want to grow in his headship role?  Here are a few ideas that are based on love and serving rather than on control:

Show Honor - Let go of your spiritual checklists and expectations. Your husband's spiritual life is most likely going to express itself differently from yours, and that's okay. My wife's quiet times and mine are as different from each other as they can be. Mine are less frequent, less scheduled and tend to be shorter than hers. It took me a while to realize that we are just different in this regard. Honor and respect his way of seeking God.

Value His Insights - Even if (and maybe especially if) you feel you are spiritually stronger and more knowledgeable than your husband, ask for his opinion on spiritual matters. Invite him into your spiritual struggles and questions. Ask him to pray for you about specific situations and thank him when he does. Acknowledge his answered prayers. This has two outcomes. First, it builds spiritual intimacy as you learn to share your hearts in a vulnerable fashion, and second it helps him build spiritual muscle.

Express Appreciation - Acknowledge every step your husband takes in spiritual growth and in leading your family. Affirm him by saying, "I'm so thankful to have you as the spiritual head of our home." Thank him when he opens up to you about spiritual matters or offers his perspective. Appreciation will demonstrate your desire for his spiritual leadership without you actually having to say it.

Seek Intimacy - Spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy are all connected. If you desire deeper spiritual intimacy, pay attention to your sex life and to how you act with him emotionally. There is not a formula, but fruit in one dimension tends to spill over into the others.

As I said, these actions are about showing love to your husband in language he can appreciate, and when you do these you invite his leadership by offering him your submission. The Greek word for submission used in the famous Ephesians 5 passage on marriage (hupotasso)  means to arrange yourself under. When you willingly show your husband honor and respect with your actions, you are arranging yourself under his loving spiritual leadership.

Of course you should pray for your husband, for spiritual intimacy between you, and for his headship in the spiritual domain of your marriage, but you don't have to just pray and wait. While prayer is vital and your number one strategy, there are also practical steps you can take that create an environment where his leadership can thrive.

These are my ideas for what will and won't work in your journey toward a rightly ordered spiritual dimension of your marriage.  I'd love to hear any ideas you have!  Leave a comment.

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Leading your wife spiritually is not as hard as you might think.

It's been a while since I've written a Men-Only-Monday post. As the moniker implies, these posts are intended for husbands. Wives, come back Wednesday for your side of the equation on this topic.

Are you among the many men who feel unqualified to lead their wives and family spiritually? Do you feel like your wife has more knowledge, more insight, and more sensitivity concerning spiritual matters? If you are like most men, you aren't going to attempt things you don't feel you can excel at, which means that you might hold back from even trying to be the spiritual head of your family.

You don't need a theology degree or years of biblical study to spiritually lead your wife. Don't disqualify yourself for this important role that God has assigned you to. The way the Bible describes spiritual headship, as with other dimensions of headship, has nothing to do with being the "spiritual boss" or being in any way spiritually superior to your wife. It doesn't mean you need years of spiritual wisdom under your belt before you start leading.

Leading your wife spiritually is not nearly as hard as you might think it is. For the most part, it just means consistently pointing your wife to Jesus and inviting his covering over your family.

If the idea of spiritual leadership is new to you, here are three simple, easy ways to begin stepping into your God-ordained role.

1. Pray

Maybe you aren't that comfortable praying out loud in front of others, maybe even with your wife. If that's the case, just ask your wife what you can pray for her about. A simple "How can I pray for you today?" text message will work great! Then do actually pray for her and let her know you did. Even this simple little step will bless her more than you know.

If you can muster your prayer courage, I would urge you to actually pray together. Prayer builds spiritual intimacy like few other things can. If that seems too difficult for you, start just by praying together silently. Maybe conclude with the Lord's prayer, if spontaneous prayer doesn't come easily for you. You can also pray the "Apostolic prayers" right out of the Bible . A few examples are Ephesians 1:17-23, Ephesians 3:16-21, Colossians 1:9-14, Philippians 1:9-11, Romans 15:13. These are great prayers for when you don't know what to pray.

2. Read, Learn & Share

Pick a book on a spiritual topic that interests you. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is something that speaks life to you or challenges you in some way. Devotional books can be good, because they tend to be short easily digestible. I'll admit that I've never been a regular devotional reader, because I prefer books that drill a little deeper into a topic, but that's just me.

I also encourage you to read the Bible regularly. If you don't know where to start, you might consider a topical Study Bible. If you are looking for a life-giving translation, I suggest the Passion Translation Series. If you are new to Bible study, start off with the Gospels. If you feel you have a hard time understanding what you read in the Bible, pray for revelation and understanding. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth (John 16:13), and He is eager to do it (Luke 11:11). Just ask.

A few times a week, as you come upon something that gives you a new insight or seems helpful to you, or when the Lord gives you a particular revelation, share it with your wife.

Your wife will feel safe and protected when she knows you are pressing into a deeper understanding of God. This is one dimension of God's instruction to husbands to wash your wife with the water of the word (Ephesians 5:26).

3. Invite Her In

As I said, headship does not imply superiority. I describe the relationship between husband and wife as described in the Bible as an ordered partnership, where husband and wife are of equal value but willingly take on different roles to support and honor each other.

Good leaders invite the full participation of those they lead and encourage them to employ all of their talents and capabilities. So invite your wife into partnership with you as together you discover God's heart and plans for your marriage and your family. Lean on her spiritual discernment and sensitivity to the things of the Spirit. Invite her to bring her spiritual gifting to your partnership.

Intimacy comes from being fully known and knowing you are completely loved. Spiritual intimacy is no exception. Be real, honest and willing to be vulnerable with your wife about your life in God. Invite her to do the same. It's not a competition to see who is more spiritual. It's about encouraging each other to walk in your God-given destinies and to grow in the knowledge of who God is. 

If you are the stronger one, spiritually, never use your position to browbeat or speak harsh judgment to your wife. Rather, speak grace and truth and encourage her toward who God says she is.


Now it's your turn. What simple tips do you have for husbands who want to take a more active role in leading their wives spiritually? Leave a comment.

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If you are reading this by email or on a mobile device, please take a minute to participate in my new survey. "What Do You Want More of In Your Marriage?"

Give the gift of yourself to your spouse this Christmas
[Tweet This Post]

Christmas is a giving kind of season, and we're talking about giving one of the most important gifts to the most important person in your life. Yes, we're talking about the giving "The gift of Sex" to your spouse.

Last month I did a survey on a portion of scripture that doesn't get a whole lot of attention in the church. My wife actually shared in her post, The Gift of As You Wish - In Bed.

The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife.

1 Cor 7:3-4 NLT

I realize these verses convey a pretty radical idea, but that's the Kingdom of God for you.  Yes, there it is in black and white: your spouse has authority over your body. I was happy to see that in my survey, 93% of people said they thought this scripture still applies today. I heartily agree. But some of the other results in the survey made me wonder why the marriages represented in the survey aren't sexually stronger than what they reported.

Here is a quick look at sexual satisfaction by gender.
If  you are not a chart kind of person, let me break it down a bit for you. About as many husbands felt negatively (43%) about their sex lives as felt positively (44%). Wives, on the other hand were 60% positive to 30% negative.

The Rights and Wrongs of It

Whiles it's true that spouses have the rights to sexual satisfaction from each other, there is are wrong ways to go about it. Demanding, berating, begging and bargaining are definitely the wrong way to go about getting sexual satisfaction. Throwing the above Scripture in your spouse's face isn't likely to produce any positive results either.

So what is the right way to go about assuring sexual satisfaction in your marriage? The truth is that this is a shared responsibility. I describe this shared responsibility as mutual sexual surrender. Mutual sexual surrender is simply the notion that each of you is to freely give the gift of yourselves and your bodies to each other.

It means not withholding sex or gate-keeping where physical intimacy is concerned. It means saying yes unless you have a very good reason to say no. And "I don't feel like it" is not a good reason. In my survey, almost one third of wives and 10% of husbands admitted to regularly saying no to their partners. In addition, one in three wives and one in seven husbands said that "not feeling in the mood" was a reason to deny their partner sex. These are not good numbers.

Giving Yourself Freely

I'm going to pause here to remind you of a very important Bridal Paradigm principle - the a marriage model based on the notion that we are the bride of Christ, and Jesus is our Bridegroom:

The Bridal Paradigm is more about what it compels you to give than what it permits you to demand. [Tweet This]

Put another way, you should read and take to heart the scriptures on marriage that apply to you and disregard the ones that apply to your spouse. In other words, work on your half of the bargain. It's the only part you actually have any real control over.

If you are like some in my survey who regularly deny their spouses sex, for whatever reason, I'm asking you to change your thinking. Remind yourself that your body was created so the you could choose to give it as a gift to your spouse. You and your spouse are one, so any gift given to your spouse is actually given to yourself as well.

Think of the delight your spouse will feel when you give yourself as a gift to be "unwrapped." Whatever self-image issues you may have with your body, try to lay them aside for the sake of the sexual oneness that God intends for your marriage.

If you want test out what this kind of mutual sexual surrender can do to radically change your marriage, make a pledge to yourself that you will not say "no" for an entire month. Watch what happens to the intimacy and passion level in your relationship.

If you are feeling really, bold, write a card to your spouse with the one month pledge on it. Explain that you are giving yourself as a gift to him or her this Christmas. 

What Submission is not: The Doormat, The Boss, and The Grouch

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Announcing the random winner of our last Friday Freebie: Spicey won the copy of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Please contact me with your email address so I can make arrangements to get the book to you courtesy of Julie Sibert. See the Contact Scott tab on my blog.

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In my Wives Only Wednesday post last week, Strong and Submissive, I explained how strength goes hand in hand with the submission that God calls wives to. True biblical submission has nothing to do with weakness or subjugation, as it is so often wrongly characterized.

In fact, submission actually requires strength.

Submission Misconstrued

Unfortunately, there is a pretty strong cultural push back against God's design for marriage, but I find it is mainly due to a lack of understanding of what submission really is. In an effort to dispel these common mis-characterizations, in today's post I want to explore specifically what the submission of a wife to her husband is not.

What does it mean for a husband to have the "headship" or leadership role and for a wife to respect and support him with the gift of her submission? Recall from my last post this chart:

(Note: you can find the corresponding husband's chart in my post What Headship Is Not.)

I discussed the wife of the upper right quadrant in my last post. This is the "church-like" wife the Bible describes, alluding to the fact that God designed marriage to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church.  Today I want to introduce you to the three wives represented by the other quadrants: the Doormat, the Boss and the Grouch.

The Doormat

This is probably the wife I hear described most often when people protest the notion of submission. "I'm not going to be a doormat for anyone!" The good news is your aren't supposed to be!

This wife makes the mistake of equating submission with weakness. She is often filled with self-doubt and insecurity. She thinks her opinions don't matter and that her needs are unimportant, even as the resentment over her presumed "less than" status builds. She thinks she has no voice.

The Doormat can be withdrawn from the relationship with her husband, mistaking passivity for humility. She feels uncertain of her identity in Christ, as co-heir with her husband of the full inheritance that is hers by virtue of her faith in Jesus.

The Boss

This is the wife who feels she must lay submission aside in order to show herself strong and to prove herself capable.

This wife tends to be disrespectful to her husband, her words and tone letting him know of her frequent disapproval. She will put him down to friends and family and broadcast his mistakes in order to "keep him in his place." She thinks that in order to avoid subjugation she must push for her own way. Her self-interest is front and center of most decisions.

The Boss frequently contends for power, thinking that to do otherwise shows her to be weak.

The Grouch

This wife is neither submissive nor strong, sharing some of the characteristics of both the Boss and the Doormat.

The Grouch comes across as uncaring toward her husband, from  her expressions of disrespect to her self-protective withdrawal from him. She is fearful and distrustful of any expression of leadership on his part.

She lacks the emotional strength and the integrity to deal with her husband forthrightly. She may try to bury  her emotions, but they will eventually bubble up into an outburst of some kind. 


To make the point clear, I've described the behaviors of these wives in pretty extreme terms.  Chances are none of these describes you exactly, but beware of the characteristics they portray. Be vigilant against the mindset that equates submission with weakness. And be vigilant against the prevailing sentiment against submission in any form.

Pursue strength and submission with equal vigor. Glean from your relationship with Jesus the kinds of attitudes and attributes that should attend biblical submission. If you are watchful, you will see lots of parallels between your spiritual walk and your marriage. They are everywhere.

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A note to any husbands reading this post. The post is title Wives Only Wednesday for a reason. There is nowhere in scripture where it says your are to make your wife submit to you. Demanded or coerced submission isn't submission at all, so don't try it.

Work on your end of the marriage partnership, to love and serve your wife as Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her.  Loving your wife well will draw out both her submission and her strength.

Read my corresponding post for husbands: What Headship is Not

Submission and strength go hand in hand.

A few weeks ago I promised to follow up my two posts on biblical headship for husbands by giving wives equal time. (If you missed them, the posts are here: "Good and Strong" and "That's Not Headship").

So I turn now to looking at your role in marriage as described in the New Testament scriptures. Hang onto your hats, ladies, because we're talking about...

Submission? Today? Really?

Most of you have probably at least heard that there is something about wives and submission in the Bible. Some of you may even know the verses by heart.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

You can choose to ignore these verses or pass them off as out of date for our modern world.  But my belief is that if it's in the Bible, especially if it's in the New Testament, it's probably something God cares about today and something we should try to understand.

Seeking Understanding

Most of the women (and men) that have a problem with submission have a wrong understanding of what it actually is and what it isn't. That's what this post and my next post are about. understanding true biblical submission.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of explanation in the scriptures about submission. So people seek out understanding from a lot of different sources. For example:

• Feminism - women don't need men in the first place and calling a wife to submission is like calling her to a life of slavery.
• Culture at large - 50/50 is the best way to run a marriage. Equality is the goal. Submission is unfair.
• Wrong paradigms - Captain/first mate, pilot/co-pilot, CEO/VP, etc.

None of these sources are biblical. None of them work as a model for marriage. The one we should focus on is the only one in the Bible: marriage is to be a reflection Christ and the church. Specifically, you are to submit yourself to your husband as you do the the Lord.(No husbands are not gods or equal to Christ. It means you should glean lessons for your marriage from way in which you submit to Christ).

Submission and Strength

As I pointed out in my earlier posts for husbands, we often wrongly assume that goodness (being loving) and strength are mutually exclusive.But the corresponding call for husbands to love and lead their wives as Christ does for the church means that they should be both strong and good, just like Jesus is.

In a similar fashion, you may mistakenly think that, as a wife, you cannot be both strong and submissive. So too for you, submission and strength are both important dimensions of your role as a wife. They are not mutually exclusive.

Here is how I frame it up:

The upper right quadrant, the one labeled "church-like," is what I think the Bible calls you to as a wife: to be both strong and submissive.

Forget the notion that submission means you are are to be a slave or a doormat or a Stepford automaton. No, the church-like imperative means you are to be empowered by your husband, secure and confident in his love, with a sure sense of God-given identity and purpose. 

But your strength does not conflict at all with the call for you to honor your husband with your respect, to follow and support him in humility, or to be selfless in giving your husband your love and devotion.

The truth is that true biblical submission requires real strength. It requires you to have the mental strength to do battle with the lies you hear all around you about the 50/50 marriage paradigm, about needing to look out for yourself and to stand up for your rights. It requires the emotional strength to face your doubts and fears. And it requires strength of will to let go of your need to control, to follow God's design for your marriage and to follow your husband's lead.

Yes, you can and should be both strong and submissive in your marriage. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Your submission actually makes you powerful.  True submission is a gift you give to your husband, because when submission is demanded or coerced it isn't submission at all. The choice is wholly yours.

Where do you tend to struggle the most in your marriage, with submission or with being strong? Share your story, leave a comment.

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Next time we'll take a look at what happens if you falter in either the strength or submission dimension of your role as a wife. Until then, you might want to check out what some other wives have to say about what submission means to them.

More Reading from wives on this topic:

• What Submissive Wives are Not by Nina Roesner of The Respect Dare

• Why More Women are Using the "S" Word by Sara Horn, author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife (book review coming soon!)

• The Submission Series - a thoughtful and thorough ten part series from Lori at The Generous Wife.

What Headship is not: the Nice Guy, the Dictator and the Loser.

I've mentioned before that the top Google searches that land folks on my blog consistently fall into one of two arenas.  The first is something like "my husband refuses to lead." The second, following closely behind in number of hits, is "my husband acts like a dictator" or something similar.

These two errors on the part of husbands point directly the dual edge sword of headship that I discussed in my last post. That is that husbands should follow Christ's example of being both strong and good in their role as head in their marriage.

I'll re-post the chart I developed for my last post below:


I proposed last time that the biblical model for your headship as husband is found in being both a good leader and good lover. Growing in your capacity in both the strength and goodness dimensions of your marriage is key to growing in Christlike headship.

My understanding of the biblical model for marriage is that you, as husband, have the role of head, "as Christ is head of the church." Being head is not a role you must earn or work for, it's yours by the fact that you chose to marry. I don't know why, but this is how God has ordained it. You are head even if you don't accept it or your wife does not acknowledge it. (If "head" has too many unhappy connotations, you can also use the words leadership or authority to describe this role).

Looking at the chart above, there are three ways in which your headship can fall short in the strong/good arena. These are worth watching out for, because we all fall into them from time to time.

The Nice Guy

Feminist indoctrination not withstanding, there are many wives longing for their husbands to stand up and take their leadership role seriously. Like I said, more wives come here looking for how to help make that happen than for any other reason.

I'm not making excuses, but the widespread push back against biblical headship, even within the church, has many men reluctant to lead their marriages. Some are afraid of being labeled misogynists or worse. Some have bought into the lie that there should be no distinction in the roles of men and women in marriage. Some have wives who contend for authority, even wives who claim to want their husbands to step up and lead! These men who are hesitant to stand up and take their leadership role seriously are what I call "Nice Guys."

Society and the church have churned out Nice Guys by the millions. They are pleasers who tend to avoid conflict. These are the men who leave most or all the decisions to their wives, either because they are totally disengaged or because their wives argue and put them down for every idea and hold past decisions over them indefinitely. Nice Guys often just give up, rather than rocking the boat or risking trying to lead.

Whatever the reason for their refusal to lead, these men don't realize that their weakness makes them unattractive to their wives over time. And their resulting disengagement leaves their wives feeling unloved and alone. It's not a formula for a passionate and intimate marriage and certainly not a lasting one.

It's Nice Guy husbands that pose the biggest threat to biblical marriage today, because their error is much more subtle and socially acceptable than the next group:

The Dictator

Selfish, controlling husbands give biblical headship a bad rap.

In days gone by, maybe 50 years ago, this was the number one problem with husbands in marriage. This kind of brutish, self-serving husband led to feminism and the desire for egalitarian marriage. Dictators are the reason the pendulum has swung so far in the other direction, giving rise to so many Nice Guys.

Unloving husbands who use their authority to control or coerce their wives are bad news. These are the men who are abusive and flaunt scriptures about wives being submissive to their husbands, all the while ignoring the scriptural mandate for them to love and lay down their lives for their wives.

The Loser

The husband who is both weak and unloving is double trouble.

This kind of husband is self-centered, but lacks the guts to act on it, at least openly. He doesn't care about what his wife needs or wants from him. He is only concerned for himself.  He will manipulate and deceive in order to get his way, but refuses to confront things head on.

The loser refuses to take responsibility for his actions and shifts blame onto his wife. He is controlled by fear, and his buried frustrations may bubble up to the surface as angry outbursts.

The loser doesn't refuse to lead because he in incapable, he refuses to lead because he doesn't care.

I hope and pray that Nice Guy, Dictator, and Loser do not describe the way in which you act out your headship role in your marriage. In order to make my case clear I have described these non-Christlike behaviors in husbands in pretty strong terms. There are, of course, many less severe ways to screw up headship.  I know because I've done them all from time to time.

There is good news for us who mess up in our quest for biblical headship. It's called grace!  God is for you and for your marriage. His desire it to see you and your marriage thrive. Pray for the strength and skill to lead well and for a revelation of who Jesus is. Pray for your understanding of the love of Jesus to grow deeper, so you can love your wife in the same way. These are the prayers Paul prayed for the church in Ephesians 1 and 3, leading up to the chapter on marriage. These are the keys!

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.

Ephesians 1:17

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

Ephesians 3:17-18

 Be diligent. Vigorously pursue the kind of headship Jesus displays to us, his bride. When you screw up and slip into actions or words that are weak or unloving, admit your blunder and ask your wife to forgive you. She will admire you for it.

My point in stating what headship is not is to get you to be watchful over your role as husband and to strive diligently to be both strong and good. Your wife deserves that from you, and God is calling you to it.

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A note to wives ignoring the headline and reading this post anyway: it is not your job to browbeat, manipulate or judge your husband if he happens to fall into one of the non-Christlike quadrants, even occasionally. It is not your job to correct or coerce him. That is the job of the Holy Spirit. Don't even think of forwarding this to your husband!

Your job is to concentrate on your role in your marriage. In a few weeks, in a Wives Only Wednesday post,  I'll be looking at two dimensions of the your role in your marriage. You'll definitely want to check back for those.

Strength and goodness are independent variables in the equation of a husband's biblical leadership.

Welcome to my revamped and renamed series for husbands. If you are a long-time reader, you'll note the name change from "Man Up Monday" to "Men only Monday."

There are two basic reasons for the change. First, the term "man-up," intended as a slightly tongue-in-cheek expression, was misinterpreted by some as an accusation or indictment against men in general. I don't want to come across as husband-bashing.

Second, I use "Wives only Wednesdays" for my occasional mid-week posts directed at wives. That title rightly indicates a broader focus than just the role of wives in a biblical marriage. The Men Only title will also clarify that the occasional series for men is similarly broad in scope.

One of my goals for 2014 is to more regularly address husbands and wives separately through Men Only Monday and Wife Only Wednesday posts.

Enough with that, on to today's post.

Real Headship

The degree of misunderstanding and consequent outrage over what it means for a husband to be the "head" of his wife is a continual source of frustration for me. It's also a source of motivation for me to work diligently to educate and inform about this contentious issue with clarity and biblical backing.

I'm not going to spend any time in this post revisiting the arguments over the Greek lexicon or whether kephale actually means head. I've read and researched extensively on both sides and can only interpret Ephesians 5 to mean the husband is intended by God to have a kind of authority in marriage. Call it authority, call it leadership, call it headship, call it whatever you will, but whatever term you use, just make Jesus your definition of it.

Charting Biblical Headship

So the question to me is not so much whether  or not you, as a husband, have a God-ordained headship role in your marriage, but rather what that should look like.

I came across something on another blog recently that got me thinking about the attributes of strength and goodness and how these are really independent variables from each other in framing a husband's authority.

Confusing or equating these two attributes of your leadership can lead to a lot of confusion and mistaken understanding. To lend some clarity to this concept, I've put together the chart below:

What the chart clearly depicts is that there is only one quadrant that fits the biblical description of  how you should walk out your authority: with significant degrees of both strength and goodness.

In my next Monday post I'll go a little deeper into what biblical headship is not, by digging into the other three quadrants. But today I want to focus on the "Christ-like" quadrant.

A Strong Husband

The strength axis is a measure of your degree of leadership in your marriage (and family). Rather than being measured by how many decisions you make or rules you set forth, it's measured by your degree of emotional and physical presence. Yes, decisiveness is necessary and often helpful, but it's not the primary measure of leadership.

Demonstrate your leadership strength through your engagement with and involvement in the day to day life of your family. Be vigilantly aware of what's going on and how what's going on affects your wife and family. Be a proactive leader by stepping in and taking action when things start to go off track before crisis sets in.

Christlike leadership also looks like reliable provision, consistent protection, clear direction and unwavering trustworthiness.

A Good Husband

Goodness in a husband, to me, relates most directly to how he loves and serves his wife.

The tricky part of goodness is that "goodness" looks different for different women. Do you know what words and actions best say "I love you" to your wife? Do you do them on a consistent (daily) basis?

For many wives, love needs to be expressed in the form of feeling emotionally connected and knowing that her needs are understood and important to you. These require a significant degree of communication through conversation with your wife, not something all men are skilled at or comfortable with. Then it requires that you act in a manner consistent with your understanding.

Goodness means expressing your leadership with the heart of a servant. Self-serving leadership is what gives biblical marriage a bad rap, and it will cause your wife to resist your leadership and withhold her submission. Selfless leadership is what Jesus models for us. Learn from His example.

What do you think of the way I've charted biblical headship? Did I miss anything significant in the chart above? Share your thoughts in a comment.


Next: What Headship is Not

Do you have the audacity to pray for your marriage in the way the Bible tells us to?

If you are a person of faith, I'm going to assume that you pray and that you pray for your marriage. (Of course you do, don't you?)

But how do you pray? Do you pray with confidence? With boldness? With audacity?

Or do you sheepishly approach God with wishful, timid prayers, hoping he might be in a good enough mood to hear and maybe even to answer. Do you pray from a place of faith or of fear? Do you pray as a much-loved, favored child of God, or do you approach God as a sin-drenched beggar?

Our pastor, Greg Haswell, preached an inspiring and powerful sermon on prayer this week, as part of this month's focus on fundamentals of the faith (for more about his excellent series or to hear his sermon go to the Northlands Church God Essentials page).

When I heard it, I knew it would be the basis for my next post.

Pray With Authority

When the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray, he prayed the famous prayer we call "The Lord's Prayer." I learned a little Greek from our pastor concerning how Jesus prayed. Bear with the nerd in me, because it really matters!

Here's an excerpt from the sermon notes:

There are four basic moods in the Greek language – subjective, optative, indicative and imperative. The mood itself refers to the attitude of the speaker toward the verb he is using.

•  The subjective mood basically has the speaker believing what he says (or prays) “might” happen if certain other conditions occur.
•     The optative mood has the speaker “hope” that what he says (or prays) may happen.
•     The indicative mood has the speaker say (or pray) what the current situation “appears” to be to him. Jesus didn’t pray in these three moods.

He didn’t pray that the kingdom of God “might” come. Nor did Jesus pray that the kingdom of God would “hopefully” come. Nor did Jesus pray based on factual appearances that the kingdom of God “needs” to come. (See John 7:24).

Here is the shock! Jesus prayed the Lord’s Prayer in the Greek imperative mood. Kingdom come! This is the mood of command and authority. Not wishing, wanting, or begging, but COMMANDING the prayer to happen!

(If you want to rev up your prayer life, I suggest you download the full sermon notes!)

I love the way Jesus teaches us to pray with power and authority!

When you pray for your marriage, because you know God is FOR the passion, intimacy and endurance of your marriage, you too can pray imperatively. 

• "God, I release intimacy into my marriage!" 
• "Father, I call forth passion and a fantastic sex life, because that is how You made it to be!" 
• "Lord, You are a restorer and redeemer by nature, and I know You have the power to restore all things. I call on Your nature and Your power to do this in my  marriage, starting right now!"

Pray Boldly and Confidently

Do you approach God with the boldness with which we are entitled?

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 4:14-16 (NKJV)

Because Jesus our High Priest has gone before us (that's what the therefore is there for), we have the right to barge right into the throne room of heaven and approach our Daddy God (our Abba Father) with our requests.

We can do this because we know His love is unchanging, unmovable, everlasting and unconditional.  

You are God's favorite! Nothing you can do will make Him love you more or make Him love you less. Nothing. It doesn't depend on you having a long enough quiet time (thought that might help you hear from God).  It doesn't depend on you reading your Bible enough (though that might help you understand God's nature and how to pray in agreement with it). None of that matters to how much he loves you and wants to bless you.

You can be confident in prayer when you are confident in love.

So pray boldly from a position of favor. Ask knowing that it is God's good pleasure to give you abundantly above all you could ask or seek. 


Do these ideas change the way you've approached prayer in the past? I know they are pretty radical. But then, we serve a pretty radical God!

How does your own "marriage baggage" influence your thinking on roles in marriage?

It seems that few things spark a furor like the topic of male and female roles in marriage. I've read a lot of posts and comments on this topic, but I'm always amazed at the lack of grace shown on either side of the egalitarian vs. complementarian debate.

Many in the blogosphere hold strong positions  and vehemently defend them. I willingly admit that my own opinions are pretty firmly entrenched, and I'm sure there are times when I've lacked grace in my own writing. I am trying to change my ways.

I have to remind myself that we are (almost) all striving for the same goal: strong, intimate, passionate and enduring marriages. We are all just seeking what works best. That is a good thing! And it's a good thing to keep in mind as we debate the issue.

We All Have Marriage Baggage

A majority of those debating marriage roles write from their own personal experiences. The strongest opinions seem to be held by those with strongly negative experiences.

• A wife whose first husband was an abusive authoritarian dictator will often argue strongly for equality and against any form of authority. 
• A couple whose marriage was transformed from constant battle to peace and harmony through the path of submission and headship will sing the praises of such an arrangement. 
• A husband whose sexless, passionless marriage was saved when his wife decided to no longer refuse sex, will swear that "never say no again" is the only way to go. 
• A wife whose husband was "checked out" before embracing his role as a loving leader will champion the cause of strong leadership by husbands.

The same goes for what we observe first-hand in the marriages around us. The marriages of parents, family and friends will strongly influence our marriage paradigms.

• Those whose parents are happily married for 30-40-50 years in a "traditional" marriage, will often lean in that direction. 
• If your father was heavy-handed and uncaring in the exercise of his authority, chances are you'll swear that any form of authority (and therefore submission) is dangerous. 
• Have some friends whose marriage fell apart due to a husband who abused his wife or a wife who openly disrespected her husband? Those failed marriages will no doubt weigh into your marriage paradigm.

The bottom line is that most of us will form our opinions by what we have experienced as working (or not) in our own marriage(s) or what we've seen work (or not) in the marriages around us.

What Seems to Work?

So is the whole discussion of roles in marriage simply a matter of figuring out what you think/observe/experience works best in your own marriage? If it's not a question of sin (which I believe it is not), why not just "do what seems good?"

As right and practical and tempting as that seems, what do we do with what the Bible says about marriage?

Of course scripture requires interpretation and application. I believe it's important for us to wrestle with some big, important questions:

• What did God have in mind when he created the first marriage back in Eden? Does it matter today?
• What does it mean that he created us male and female and declared it "very good."
• What are the marital implications of the new covenant and grace?
• What do words like "head" and "submit" and "respect" and "love" mean in the Apostle Paul's instructions on marriage?

Ultimately we need to come to terms with what the only valid metaphor for marriage, Christ and the church, implies about God's design for marriages - marriages like yours and mine.

I'm convinced that God's heart is for marriage. It's a huge deal to him - big enough that he framed our time-bound existence with marriages as described in Genesis and in Revelation. Long before he sent Jesus to be our bridegroom, even before the dawn of time, he knew he would win for himself an eternal bride. So he set up marriage to be a picture of his loving pursuit of a bride of his own.

In the next few parts of this series, I plan to dig a bit deeper into the issue of male and female marriage roles. I will be talking about things like what it means to be masculine and feminine and why that matters. I'll be talking about how we've screwed up God's original intent and how our counter-reaction to that hasn't really fixed the problem. I'll dig into the data on some current marriage trends and tie that back to the topic at hand. We will look at scripture and parse some Greek.

Over the space of this occasional series we'll look at the topic from many different angles.

As I embark on this far-ranging series, I hope this post will serve as a reminder for us all to be aware of how your own marriage "baggage" influences our perspectives. We should be aware that to more or less of a degree we are all the product of our own experiences, good and bad. But our experiences don't necessarily dictate truth.

Regardless of our past, let's agree together to look afresh at what the Bible says about marriage, to wrestle again with the difficult questions about gender and marriage. It's worth the effort. It matters.

 

Do you want to be a GREAT husband or wife?!?
I love the way Jesus turned the idea of greatness completely upside down:

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Matthew 20:25-28

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Philippians 2:5-7

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.

John 13:14-15

Do I really need to say anything more? Is there any better place than your marriage to act on Jesus’ compelling call for us to serve one another?

It's your turn:  what do you think it means to serve your husband or wife? How have you served or been served by your spouse this week?

• Financially – budgeting, planning, managing money, setting goals
• Spiritually – praying with and for your wife and family, attending church together, talking about what God is doing
• Sexually – yes there are men that need to hear this
• Parentally – guiding and instructing the kids, discipline, spending time with them, giving your wife time off
• Practically – helping out with the house, yard, dishes, cooking, laundry
• Recreationally – planning vacations, fun activities with the family, movies, sports
• Emotionally – being available and interested in your wife’s life, emotionally supportive, being a friend
• Romantically – non-sexual touch, sweet notes and love letters, hold hands, date nights