Journey to Surrender

A letter to my daughter on her wedding day - five keys to a great marriage.
In just a few days my middle daughter, Lisa, is getting married. She and Otto are a wonderful match, and Jenni and I could not be more excited for their future.

Lisa has no doubt received all kinds of marriage advice from many people, but as her father and a champion of strong marriages I wanted to offer my own thoughts. I've struggled to condense down all I've written and read about marriage over the years to identify the essential keys that lead to an intimate, passionate and enduring marriage.

Here's what I came up with.

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Dearest Lisa,

The big day is approaching quickly! Amidst all the excitement and celebration I wanted to take a moment to share a few thoughts with you as you and Otto begin your marriage journey together. What follows is not a comprehensive list, but if you get these things right, it will go a long way to ensure you have a happy, healthy, intimate, passionate and enduring marriage.

1) Learn What Says "I Love You"

You and Otto have gotten to know each other pretty well through your dating years, but there is so much more you'll discover as you become one in marriage. The most important thing for each of you to learn is what says "I love you" to the other. Trust me when I say that each of you will likely answer this question very differently. You may not "get" each other's love needs, especially at first, but you don't have to get them to do them.

It's important to revisit this question regularly. You'll want to be students of one another. It's important to keep asking, especially in seasons of change or stress, "How can I best show you how much I love you?"

For this to work, you'll both need to be transparent with your needs. Not in a demanding or selfish way, but in a way that helps each of you to love the other well.

2) Show Love Daily

Do something every day to communicate your love for each other. Be intentional about speaking and demonstrating love in ways that matter to the other. These don't need to be grand or dramatic gestures. Small love expressions, given daily, will do more to sustain your marriage than big ones that only happen infrequently.

This means being intentional and watchful. It means keeping your marriage off of auto-pilot. Keep your eyes wide open and your hearts wide awake toward each other.

3) Practice Selflessness and Generosity

One amazing aspect of the two of you becoming one is that any time you bless the other, you also get to share in the benefit of that blessing. Learn to take delight in delighting each other with your love. Practice generosity and selflessness.

Give your love without condition and without the expectation of getting something in return. This is God's kind of love. Practice giving love for love's sake and for the sake of your marriage, rather than what you may get in return. But you will find that when you do this, the blessing does flow back to you.

4) Manage Your Expectations

It's likely that you both carry many expectations into your marriage. For the most part it's best to hold those expectations loosely. But there are two expectations that I encourage you to hold to steadfastly.

First is the expectation that this is a lifelong covenant you have together. It's hard to imagine now, but there will likely be times ahead when you will need to be tenacious about this commitment you've made to each other.

Second, always believe and expect that the best days of your marriage are ahead of you. Regardless of how good (or how bad) things are, there is always more ahead. Deeper intimacy, more to know about each other, a stronger bond of trust, and grand new adventures are in front of you.

5) Pray

Always believe that God is for your marriage. He loves love. He is love. Press into him in prayer, both separately and together, for all you need to sustain and grow your marriage is found in him. Prayer for your marriage is a prayer he is eager to answer. And pray for each other, that you will walk in your true identities and that you will each fulfill your destiny in Christ.


There you have it. My short list of the essentials for a successful marriage. Just remember that, in the end, success in marriage isn't about how many things you did right or wrong, but the level of intimacy (emotional, spiritual and physical) you share, because intimacy should be the ultimate goal of every marriage.

I Love You,
Daddy

Last time I wrote about the potential damage technology can inflict on your marriage and ways to avoid it.

This week we'll look at ways to use technology to actually bless your spouse and improve your marriage.


1. Keep in Touch

Although electronic communication (texts, emails, private messages, etc) are no substitute for real, in-person conversation, it does afford couples easy ways to stay in touch with each other. Jenni and I text and message each other frequently throughout the day, and I find that it helps us maintain our connection while we are physically separated. We let each other know of prayer needs, victories and struggles in real time. It is helpful when we are unable to have a lengthy conversation.

Here are a few ways to keep in touch electronically:

• Text a prayer request or ask how you can pray for your spouse.
• Send an instant message "I'm especially missing you today."
• Follow up on an important meeting or event and ask how it went
• Send a link to a song that reminds you of your spouse or that might be an encouragement

2. Be Intentional

I keep all my calendars and to do lists online and they are available across all my devices. I also use these tools to help me be intentional where Jenni is concerned.

Here are a few examples of how I do that:

• Keep track of her schedule so I can pray for her and ask her about happenings.
• Jot down movies we talk about wanting to see in a list.
• Put date nights in my calendar so I can remember to plan when it's my turn.
• Make a note of blog posts or articles I'd like us to discuss together

3. Get Your Flirt On

Sometimes it's easier to be flirty when you aren't face-to-face. There are even apps like Couple and Avacado that provide a secure way to communicate words and pictures that you wouldn't want someone to stumble across in your phone.

Here are a few ways to flirt with your spouse.

• Remind your spouse of a sexy memory.  Ask if you can re-enact it tonight.
• Thank your spouse for "last night," accompanied by the appropriate emoticons.
• Visually oriented husbands especially like to see a bit of skin or lingerie (but make sure it's totally secure)
• Text your spouse something you like about their physical appearance.
• Send a message suggesting what you have in mind for the two of you tonight after the kids are in bed

Important note: husbands and wives usually have different definitions of how they like be flirted with. Try to keep in mind your spouse's definition!

4. Learn, Grow, Improve

There is a wealth of fantastic marriage encouragement out there these days, and electronic devices give you convenient, on-the-go access to them.

• Bookmark your favorite marriage blogs in your phone or tablet (I hope Journey to Surrender is among them!).
• Sign up to receive a marriage newsletter or two that you find helpful. You can sign up for mine here.
• Get a Kindle or reader app and download a marriage book or two. Read one together with your spouse and talk about it.
• Take a marriage challenge or download a marriage devotional or prayer guide.

5. Remember

Many of us use our phones as a massive storage device.  With so many cloud-based storage solutions from the likes of Google, Apple and Microsoft, you have a real opportunity to keep a treasure trove of memories available to you wherever you go.

• Sit down with your spouse once in a while and look back through some photos of meaningful, fun, or silly events.
• Use your phone or tablet as a journal (though I know many prefer actual paper).
• Make a list on your phone of the things you love most about your spouse (really, do this!). Read them every day. Share one occasionally with your spouse.

6. When You Are Apart

Both Jenni and I travel quite a bit, much of it international. We find electronic communications especially helpful in keeping us connected when we are worlds apart.

• Send emails to each other when our time zones don't line up. It's great to wake up to a letter from my darling wife.
• Text, what's app, or use messenger more diligently, even more when we are traveling.
• It's especially nice when we can Skype or Facetime and actually get to see each other. Not quite as good as being there but close.

Do any of you have other ways you use technology to benefit your marriage? I'd love to hear your ideas! Leave a comment.

Prayer invites the atmosphere of heaven into your marriage.

When I pray for my wife, three things are happening at once (and probably more). The first is that I'm inviting God's involvement and intervention with regard to whatever I'm praying for her about. The second is that it makes me feel closer to her as I'm joining her in whatever is going on in her life. Third, my wife says it makes her feel covered and protected.

All of these have the power to affect the climate of our marriage.

Heaven's Intervention

Whether I'm praying for healing, for peace, for our marriage or for God's blessing on my wife and children, I'm inviting God to intervene on her behalf. I'm agreeing with heaven.

God is a good Father. He longs to give good gifts to His children. Jesus is also an excellent Bridegroom, who gave us the example of going to the Father on behalf of His bride. Prayer is just our way of agreeing with God's goodness and inviting His participation with us.

Heavens Atmosphere

Prayer also helps me to see things from God's perspective. It's always amazing how my thinking shifts from an earthly to a heavenly perspective when I start to offer things up in prayer.

By shifting my thinking, I am actually changing my mindset and thereby helping to shift the atmosphere in my life, marriage and home to line up the the Kingdom of Heaven.

Prayer As Conversation

You don't need a bunch of theological training to pray. You don't have to jump through any spiritual hoops or even clean up all the sin in your life. God invites us to come to him as we are.

I think sometime the most powerful prayers are the simplest ones; when we come to God and pour out our hearts in sincere conversation.  God really likes that.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16 (NIV)

So don't disqualify yourself from praying. Jesus has qualified you to approach Him with confidence. You don't have to do anything but come.

So come to God freely and frequently, and pray for your spouse.  Just watch as the climate in your heart and in marriage change for the better. 

How has prayer affected the climate of your marriage? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Previous Climate Change Posts:

1. Affirmation
2. Kindness

When facing your marriage expectations, it's important to consider where they came from.
Last time we examined how expectations can be helpful or hurtful to your marriage.

But how do you identify good, healthy, helpful expectations as opposed to those that are unreasonable and potentially damaging?

To help you sort out the good, the bad and the ugly, you might just want to look at the sources of your expectations.

Some Not-So-Healthy Sources

Generally speaking the sources below almost always lead to unrealistic expectations:

• TV & Movies - for the most part modern movies convey totally unhelpful depiction of marriage, whether it's mocking the institution itself, denigrating husbands, or promoting promiscuity as harmless and normal. Despite the name, reality TV is not anywhere close to reality, and most of the shows teach us all that love is selfish and about your own personal happiness.
• Porn - it's not real, folks, in any way shape or form. It's dangerous. Just because a particular act is shown in porn doesn't make it wrong (between husband and wife), but at the same time it also doesn't make it normal or typical. Your sexual expectations need to principally be developed from within your relationship. 
• Romance Novels - These are not real either. Though they maybe aren't in the same league with pornography, they hold a similar kind of danger. (I'm not talking about novels that contain an element of romance, but the romance novel genre.) The "romances" portrayed tend to be unrealistic, and a wife shouldn't expect her husband to be like the fictionalized and idealized characters found in the pages of trashy novels.
• Divorced or Struggling Friends and Family - nothing will lower your expectations of your own marriage like hanging around those whose marriage is in rough shape. Not that you should abandon people in tough marriage situations. Just watch that your own expectations are not affected. I know this danger, because it's happened to us.
• Conventional Wisdom - As with most things in the Kingdom, God's idea of how we should do marriage is mostly upside down from what the world proposes. Examples could fill several posts.

A Mixed Bag

These sources can contribute either positively or negatively to your marriage expectations. Tread with caution.

• Your Church - Churches don't always do a great job of instructing on marriage, especially the sexual aspects. Some churches do an excellent job of supporting and building the marriages in their congregations, but others much less so.  
• Your Parents - Probably the marriage you observed the most, besides your own, is the one between your parents, seeing both the good and the bad. Determine to emulate the good and avoid the bad, but don't project your parents' negative behaviors onto your spouse. 
• Marriage Books - Not everyone who gets a publishing contract has the inside track on truth. Of course there are marriage books that are outstanding and extremely helpful. Just consider what you read prayerfully. The one flaw I see in many marriage books is that they advertise quick fixes and simple, universal solutions. The problem with cookie cutter solutions is that there aren't very many cookie cutter marriages.  
• Marriage Bloggers - Though it pains me to say, I've seen some phenomenally bad marriage advice doled out by well-intentioned marriage bloggers. I've no doubt given some myself. I've also seen lots of really excellent stuff. As with books, weigh what you read carefully and prayerfully. It's also dangerous to take a single post and run with it until you've read enough to understand where a particular writer is coming form. To learn more about me, check out my recent Friday Favorite post, What Is The Journey to Surrender. 

Good Sources

• The Bible - Marriage was God's idea, and His is the best marriage perspective around. Expectations that flow from the Word will always be healthy ones. Of course the passages of Scripture about marriage require interpretation and application, and that's why we need...
• The Holy Spirit - God is for marriage in general, but also for your marriage in particular. He longs to partner with you as he leads you into all truth through the Holy Spirit (John 16:13), including helping you have healthy marriage expectations.  
• Love and Grace - Any expectations you have for your marriage that are based on what I call the two bookends of marriage, love and grace, will more than likely produce good fruit in your relationship.

When you stumble across expectation in your marriage or presumptions about your spouse, stop to consider the source. Identifying unhealthy sources just might save you from some painful disappointments in the future.

What other sources of expectations have you found to be consistently helpful or consistently harmful? Leave a comment.

You have the chance to agree with heaven's definition of who your spouse is.

By the title, of course, I don't mean whose name appears on your marriage license. I mean do you know who they really are; who God created them to be? Can you see him or her the way  heaven does?

This is a follow up to last week's "Who Are You?" post.

So why spend time discussing identity on a marriage blog? It's because identity is one of those hidden forces that affects your marriage every day. It's foundational.

Your identity affects how you view yourself and others. It affects how you (or how you don't) express and receive love. Believing lies about your identity will hold you back in your marriage, your career, parenting, ministry and every other dimension of your life in which God wishes you to thrive.

Who is Your Spouse?

Yes, it's important to understand who God says you are. It's also really important to understand who God says your spouse is.

Do you look at your spouse as God does? Who is he/she at the core of their being? It's a hugely important question.

Your spouse's identity affects the way you interact with each other on a daily basis.

• What says "I love you" to him or her.
• What are his or her aspirations and dreams?
• What makes him or her feel joy?
• What causes him or her to feel valued and appreciated?

One of the biggest reasons for you to really "get" your spouse's identity is to help him or her fight against "identify fraud." The enemy (sometime referred to in scripture as the accuser) loves to feed us lies about our identity. Your spouse needs your help combating those lies.

Seeking to Change and Control

I'll come right out and say this, because it's important. Identity fraud doesn't just come from the enemy. It can also come from our own spouse.

There is a natural tendency in marriage to try and change or control our spouses so they conform to who we want them to be. We all do it from time to time. Most often this revolves around trying to get our needs met in some way or to get him or her to love us in the way we want to be loved.

We've probably all heard that trying to change your spouse is mostly futile. You can't actually control someone else. You may be successful at manipulating their behavior to suit your expectations and wants for a short time, but in the long term it's just not sustainable, and it isn't love.

More than likely, in truth, trying to control or change our spouses will often produce the very opposite of what we want.

Agreeing with God

Ultimately, your goal should be to agree with the true identity God has placed in your spouse.

I wrote last time about the two kinds of truth we want to agree with. There are those important universal truths that describes our identity in Christ as believers. And then there are the truths about your spouse as an individual. It's important to have an understanding of both.

There's more to tapping into your spouse's identity than just being a careful observer. Sure that can help, but if that is all your rely on, it equates behavior with identity, and we all know that we sometimes act out of an immature expression of our identity. When you know who your spouse really is at the core of their being, you have the opportunity to spur him or her on to walk in their true identity.

Knowing your spouse's true identity is what allows you to have grace toward them when their actions fail to line up with who they really are.

You have the opportunity to be a powerful ally with heaven in reminding your spouse of the truth. 


Can't see the video? Watch it here.

God's idea of who you are is the only one that really matters.

The truth is that we all tend to allow ourselves to be defined by others. It starts when we are young, with our parents and family members. We grow up and start giving others permission to shape the way we see ourselves: teachers, bosses, spouse, friends, sometimes even total strangers.

But who really defines you?

There is only One who can most accurately and completely define you: the One who made you.

God specifically fashioned you into who you are. Your skills and abilities, your quirks, your personality, and all that makes you who you are. He put these in you for a purpose, and He has a great plan for how these can be used for His glory and for your blessing. And, I might add, He really likes you.

Wait, you say, but I have all this stuff in me that I don't like. What about my weaknesses, my flaws and failings? Well, let me assure you  that none of these catch God by surprise. Let me further assure you that when God looks at you, through eyes that know no time, he sees you as he intended you to be in fullness and completeness. He sees past your flaws and failings and into your perfection. 

And He never stops drawing you by the Holy Spirit toward Himself, so that you might discover your true identity.

Finding Out What God Says

If we are going to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and walk in the fullness of who God made us to be, it's really helpful to know how He sees us. His is the only completely valid definition.

Here are two ways to approach our quest to see ourselves as God does.

The first is to understand what the Bible says about all of us as followers of Christ. There are tons of promises that shed light on God's perspective and His deep emotions about you and me.

• We are completely forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)
• We are free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
• We ravish his heart with one glance of our eyes (Song 4:9)
• We are deeply loved (John 17:23)
• We are one with Christ (Ephesians 2:6)

These are just a few of the amazing truths found in God's Word about who we are in Jesus.

When God Speaks About You

The second part of understanding how God sees you is to grasp how He uniquely looks at you and you alone, in addition to the general truths we just mentioned.

The cool thing is that we can ask him to show us! God is a good Father, and He has really awesome and amazing things to say to us about who we are as His children. Have you ever asked him to show you and waited on Him to speak to your heart?

I've never heard the audible voice of the Lord, but there are many other ways in which I have heard him speak.

• The Word - specific passages that the Lord highlights to reveal truths that God wants to emphasize about me.
• Pictures - God has frequently used images in my mind to convey truths to my heart that go beyond words.
• Music and worship - God touches me deeply through music, because he made me a musician, and He has a musical spirit.
• Impressions - The Holy Spirit has imparted feelings and emotions to my heart directly.
• Dreams - I don't dream often, but I have had a few that were clearly from God.
• Visions - similar to dreaming while I'm awake or a moving version of pictures.

Understanding the heart of God toward you may come from one of these, a combination of several ways, or something different altogether. The main thing is to seek and ask and be open to hearing in different ways. Believe that the Father really wants to speak to you, because your identity is hugely important to Him.

Others can also help you understand the heart of God toward you, but use caution. Not everything that people tell you about your identity will necessarily agree with God. Test it. Pray about it, seek confirmation and clarity. Only receive from those whose spiritual discernment you trust.

Your Spouse's Role

Because you and your spouse are one, he or she may know you better than anyone else. However, if they only define you by what they see in the natural, then they are only getting a partial picture.

Your spouse does not get to define who you are. They can agree with what God says about you and support you walking toward that, or they can deny it. But they aren't free to define you outside of what God says about you.

I actually think it's really important for us all to also ask God to show us how He sees our spouse - to earnestly seek revelation. But that's my next post.

Leading your wife spiritually is not as hard as you might think.

It's been a while since I've written a Men-Only-Monday post. As the moniker implies, these posts are intended for husbands. Wives, come back Wednesday for your side of the equation on this topic.

Are you among the many men who feel unqualified to lead their wives and family spiritually? Do you feel like your wife has more knowledge, more insight, and more sensitivity concerning spiritual matters? If you are like most men, you aren't going to attempt things you don't feel you can excel at, which means that you might hold back from even trying to be the spiritual head of your family.

You don't need a theology degree or years of biblical study to spiritually lead your wife. Don't disqualify yourself for this important role that God has assigned you to. The way the Bible describes spiritual headship, as with other dimensions of headship, has nothing to do with being the "spiritual boss" or being in any way spiritually superior to your wife. It doesn't mean you need years of spiritual wisdom under your belt before you start leading.

Leading your wife spiritually is not nearly as hard as you might think it is. For the most part, it just means consistently pointing your wife to Jesus and inviting his covering over your family.

If the idea of spiritual leadership is new to you, here are three simple, easy ways to begin stepping into your God-ordained role.

1. Pray

Maybe you aren't that comfortable praying out loud in front of others, maybe even with your wife. If that's the case, just ask your wife what you can pray for her about. A simple "How can I pray for you today?" text message will work great! Then do actually pray for her and let her know you did. Even this simple little step will bless her more than you know.

If you can muster your prayer courage, I would urge you to actually pray together. Prayer builds spiritual intimacy like few other things can. If that seems too difficult for you, start just by praying together silently. Maybe conclude with the Lord's prayer, if spontaneous prayer doesn't come easily for you. You can also pray the "Apostolic prayers" right out of the Bible . A few examples are Ephesians 1:17-23, Ephesians 3:16-21, Colossians 1:9-14, Philippians 1:9-11, Romans 15:13. These are great prayers for when you don't know what to pray.

2. Read, Learn & Share

Pick a book on a spiritual topic that interests you. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is something that speaks life to you or challenges you in some way. Devotional books can be good, because they tend to be short easily digestible. I'll admit that I've never been a regular devotional reader, because I prefer books that drill a little deeper into a topic, but that's just me.

I also encourage you to read the Bible regularly. If you don't know where to start, you might consider a topical Study Bible. If you are looking for a life-giving translation, I suggest the Passion Translation Series. If you are new to Bible study, start off with the Gospels. If you feel you have a hard time understanding what you read in the Bible, pray for revelation and understanding. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth (John 16:13), and He is eager to do it (Luke 11:11). Just ask.

A few times a week, as you come upon something that gives you a new insight or seems helpful to you, or when the Lord gives you a particular revelation, share it with your wife.

Your wife will feel safe and protected when she knows you are pressing into a deeper understanding of God. This is one dimension of God's instruction to husbands to wash your wife with the water of the word (Ephesians 5:26).

3. Invite Her In

As I said, headship does not imply superiority. I describe the relationship between husband and wife as described in the Bible as an ordered partnership, where husband and wife are of equal value but willingly take on different roles to support and honor each other.

Good leaders invite the full participation of those they lead and encourage them to employ all of their talents and capabilities. So invite your wife into partnership with you as together you discover God's heart and plans for your marriage and your family. Lean on her spiritual discernment and sensitivity to the things of the Spirit. Invite her to bring her spiritual gifting to your partnership.

Intimacy comes from being fully known and knowing you are completely loved. Spiritual intimacy is no exception. Be real, honest and willing to be vulnerable with your wife about your life in God. Invite her to do the same. It's not a competition to see who is more spiritual. It's about encouraging each other to walk in your God-given destinies and to grow in the knowledge of who God is. 

If you are the stronger one, spiritually, never use your position to browbeat or speak harsh judgment to your wife. Rather, speak grace and truth and encourage her toward who God says she is.


Now it's your turn. What simple tips do you have for husbands who want to take a more active role in leading their wives spiritually? Leave a comment.

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If you are reading this by email or on a mobile device, please take a minute to participate in my new survey. "What Do You Want More of In Your Marriage?"

Discover the key factor that distinguishes a great sex life from a poor one.

The fact that our society has largely separated sex and marriage does not change the fact that God created sex as the ultimate expression of marital intimacy. A healthy amount of sexual intimacy is essential to the strength and longevity of every marriage, yours included.

But how much sex constitutes a "healthy amount?" It's a question that every couple needs to answer for themselves, of course, because needs and desires vary greatly from person to person.

I can however, tell what most couples say is enough sex based on the 450 responses to my Sexual Satisfaction Survey. (Get the full report in my free download here).

Beyond Frequency

Before I share with you the numbers from my survey, I want to stress that sexual frequency is not the sole determining factor in sexual satisfaction. If you aren't both actively engaged and  fully aiming to meet each others needs during lovemaking, then regardless of the frequency, it's not likely to lead to a fulfilling sex life. Those needs will vary greatly between men and women, between the high-drive and low-drive spouse, the stage of your marriage, and also depend on what is happening in your marriage outside the bedroom.

Still, I would argue pretty strongly that in most cases, sufficient sexual frequency is a minimum requirement for a healthy, happy sex life.

Now let's look at what constitutes "sufficient."

The Once-a-week Wall

In my survey results, there was a direct correlation between sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. That is, more frequent sex led to a higher level of reported sexual satisfaction for both husbands and wives.

Overall, the people who took my survey reported an average of about 7 sexual encounters per month or a little less than twice per week. (I didn't ask people what qualifies as a sexual encounter.)

Here is the interesting part: there is a stark divide in the numbers, as portrayed in the chart below.  It's what I call the "once-a-week wall."

What it shows is that couples who had sex more than once per week (left side of the wall on the chart) reported vastly different levels of satisfaction than couples who had sex less than once per week (the right side of the wall). And the difference was dramatic.

Overall, couples who had sex more often than once per week were 12 times more likely to report having a great sex life than those having sex less than once per week. Specifically, 59% of those having sex more than once a week gave themselves an 8, 9 or 10 in overall satisfaction on a 10 point scale ("a great sex life"). Only 5% of those having sex less than once a week reported having a great sex life.

There was a similar dramatic divide in those reporting a poor sex life (1, 2 or 3 on a 10 point scale). Couples having sex less than once per week were 11 times more likely to rate themselves as having a poor sex life. Specifically, 69% of those having sex less than once a week reported a poor sex life, but only 6% of those having sex more than once a week were in the group with the lowest satisfaction.

What Does This Mean for You?

If you are a husband or wife who has made sex a low priority, for whatever reason, it's time to change that. Begin with being aware of how much sex you are having, then set a goal to improve on that, ultimately working toward having sex at least twice most weeks.

Figure out what is impeding sexual intimacy in your marriage and make the necessary changes to eliminate those impediments.  Being your spouse's only valid avenue of sexual satisfaction is both a great privilege and sobering responsibility.

If you are a husband or wife whose spouse does not seem interested in more frequent sex, who even maybe is completely withholding sex from you, it's time for some direct dialog on the subject. Or maybe it's time for an additional, and perhaps different, direct dialog.

And it's time to get God involved in some three way conversation. He has thoughts on this subject that I'm sure he would like to share with you and your spouse if you invite him to.

If whatever you have tried in the past isn't resulting in the progress you want, it's time to try a different approach.

Do What it Takes

I'm not suggesting that you beg more sincerely or shout more loudly. No, I'm talking about having a sincere dialogue about what's missing in your marriage on more than just a sexual level. Is there enough intimacy in other forms? Emotional? Spiritual? Do spend enough time together? Do you get real with each other?

I often find that sex is simply a barometer of what's happening elsewhere in the relationship. Step back and take an honest assessment of the whole of your marriage.

There are a bunch of my marriage blogging friends that focus on sexual intimacy in marriage. Check out what they have to say about how to improve your sexual relationship and how to deal with high-drive, low-drive issues, among other topics. Here are but a few suggested resources:

• The Generous Husband
• The Generous Wife
• One Flesh Marriage
• The X-Y Code - Decoding the Male Mind
• Intimacy in Marriage - Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy
• Hot Holy & Humorous - Sex & Marriage by God's Design
• Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire
• Bonny's Oysterbed - Encouraging the Low-libido Wife through a Christian Lens.

Bonny has two posts from yesterday and today that are very timely to our discussion: Starting the Sex Conversation, and Gently Blunt Sex Conversations. I highly recommend these thoughtful posts.

Is my finding of the once-a-week wall surprising to you? Does it line up with the experience in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

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If you'd like to see more fascinating results from my recent Sexual Satisfaction Survey, you can download my free e-book from Noisetrade.

The e-book digs into the intimate lives of 450 marriages with the purpose of helping you have a meaningful dialog with your spouse about sexual intimacy. Each section lists key takeaways from the findings and offers questions that can prompt open conversation.

The closer your spouse moves to your love, the further they move from their fear.

I think there is a very good reason that "Do not fear" is the most frequent directive God gives us in his Word. The Gospels mention fear twice as often as they mention sin.

The reason for this focus on fear is because of what it does to us and to our relationships. Fortunately, the Bible gives us clear antidote for fear: love.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18 (NIV)

Fear Fills a Love Void

It's important to remember that the way love is expressed is typically different for men and women, and if you aren't expressing love in the way your spouse needs it expressed, then there is a love void.  For many men, things like respect, being sexually desired and being trusted top their love list.  Many wives, on the other hand, want emotional intimacy, time and attention, and to feel cared for in order to feel loved.

It takes determined effort to love intentionally in the way your spouse most feels loved, because our default is to love in the way we want love expressed to us. Thus you may think you are communicating love, but your love is not being received by your spouse.

Where there is an absence of love expressed in a marriage relationship, fear rushes in to fill the void. 

What kinds of fear and insecurities fill a love void?

• He doesn't love me any more
• She isn't attracted to me
• I'm not good enough
• He doesn't think I'm worth his time
• She doesn't respect me
• He/she wouldn't still choose me

Perfect Love?

It's interesting to me that the Scripture above says that "perfect" love casts out fear.

What is perfect love? It's the unconditional, overwhelming and powerful God-kind-of-love that pursues us relentlessly, even in our brokenness and weakness, even when we reject Him. In the face of that kind of love, fear can't last. It just can't.

But my love is not so perfect. I can be selfish. I can put conditions on my love. I can be forgetful and thoughtless.

Still, in all my imperfection, I realize that the closer I come to giving my wife the kind of love God gives me, expressed in the ways that are meaningful to her, the more fear will be forced out of her thinking. The closer I get to loving her the way she needs, the further she will move away from fear.

Why does it take "perfect love" to cast out fear? Because fear is a stronghold. And once we start to agree with the lie that created the fear in the first place, it can be hard for us to discern the truth. Fear creates filters that keep us agreeing with the lies that created the fear in the first place.

If I became convinced that my wife did not respect me, I see her actions through the lens of disrespect. So if she made an effort to show me respect, I would likely either miss it altogether or disregard it under the assumption that she was simply faking it.

Where fear has gained a foothold, it takes strong and consistent expressions of love to overcome it. So if you've renewed your commitment to love your spouse well, have a little patience as the fear begins to dissolve. It might take time and persistence.

Here's another truth about love and fear. Where love is not persistent, even relentless, fear will sneak back in. It doesn't take a lot of feeling unloved before we begin to agree with the lies that held us in fear to begin with.

You're Not on Your Own

You may think I'm asking too much of you, to love your spouse well, consistently and fervently. The good news is that it's not all up to you. We have an amazing and limitless love source in Jesus. That's not just a trite saying. It's truth!

But how do you tap into this Love source in a way that can benefit your marriage? With out a doubt, the best way is to experience for yourself the incredible and unstoppable love Jesus has directed toward you and to fully embrace it.

Soak up the love of God for you until it overwhelms you and comes spilling out of you. Experience for yourself what it means to be fully known and yet completely loved. Experience the joy and peace of secure love.

The Place of Secure Love

I call love and grace the two bookends of marriage. They are what hold the whole thing together. Grace and love work in concert to keep your marriage from toppling over.

Grace says, "I will choose to believe in your love for me, even when it is not evident, even when your actions or words seem to run counter to that belief." Grace also says, "I will love you no matter what, assuming the best, loving you as if you are already loving me as well as I know you want to."

Grace is not always an easy choice. In fact it can be really hard. But grace, in the form of the absolute belief in the love of your spouse, brings you to the place of secure love, where fear cannot break in.

The primary way our heart feels secure is when we know we are loved. No doubts, no misgivings, no shadowlands where second-guessing and fear play games with our confidence. Among other things, Christ died for us so we can know once and for all that we are completely, ultimately, and profoundly loved.

Grace Filled Marriage, p. 63

Just imagine for a minute what your marriage would be like if your husband or wife never, ever doubted that you deeply loved him or her! What if you never doubted that you were loved just as deeply? How delightful would it be to do everything out of the security of the love you share instead of out of trying to earn it or perform for it.

Let me suggest you start here, by listening to this video, This Love, by Housefires. Close your eyes and let the love they sing about wash over you. Let it strike your heart. And when it is finished, pray and ask God to stir the same kind of love in your for your spouse.

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Yes, the headline is intentionally provocative. Stay with me while I explain why you might need to quit trying in your marriage. Trust me, I'm not talking about reaching for the escape hatch. Actually, it is quite the opposite.

I recently listened to a podcast by Michael Hyatt that resonated with me, and I thought I'd share it with you, because it has great implications for marriage.

Michael's suggestion is that we commit to eliminating the word "try" from our vocabulary. You see, the problem with "try" is that it leaves you an easy out, a convenient back door, a ready excuse for not accomplishing something. 

Compare these two statements that a husband might make:

• "I am going to try to love my wife more selflessly."
• "I am going to do whatever it takes to love my wife more selflessly."

If you were a wife, which of these would you rather hear your husband say? The second statement means he is all in; that he won't accept anything less than achieving the goal of becoming more selfless in the way he loves his wife. It represents comittment and determination. The first statement; not so much.

While putting away the word "try" from your discourse, especially where your marriage is concerned, may seem like a semantic game, I think it represents the state of mind you should have when you set goals in your marriage.

Do or Do Not

There is a great scene in the original Star Wars movie that speaks directly to this idea of not trying any more.  In the scene, Yoda, the wise Jedi master, is training Luke, the young and immature Jedi Knight. When Luke fails at a task assigned to him by Yoda, he initially wants to give up. At the master's encouragement, Luke reluctantly says he will try again. At his point Yoda makes his famous statement:

Do or do not, there is no try.

There is power in deciding to go for it. A 100% commitment to a goal creates confidence and inspiration in yourself and others. The truth is that failure is much more likely when you don't have a strong commitment. Settling in  your heart to accomplish something causes you to get creative and to seek alternatives to quitting when the going gets tough.

Tired of Trying?

Some of you may have been in long seasons of trying to improve your marriage. Some of you are tired of trying and tired of waiting for things to get better. Maybe you are in a largely sexless marriage. Maybe you are longing for your spouse to join you on your faith journey. Maybe you lack the emotional intimacy that you know is possible.

Stop believing in impossibility and start believing that in God all things are possible. God is the business of making the impossible possible.

Whatever the desire is, regardless of how long it's been, let me suggest you reset your heart and mind. Here are a few things to do:

1. State the goal in clear, try-free, I-centered terms

Create a statement that demonstrates your commitment to the goal. Include terms like "whatever it takes," "no matter what," or "until I see breakthrough."

Don't set goals for your partner. You have no doubt heard it said that you can't change your spouse. Since you are the only person in your marriage that you have control over, it only makes sense to set goals for yourself. Even goals for your relationship should be slanted toward your part in the outcome.

2. Define what it looks like

Relationship goals can be a bit ambiguous to define. Things like better communication, deeper intimacy and more selflessness are great goals, but they lack clarity and may not lead you to the specific steps you need to take.

So in addition to the goal, go into some detail about what having accomplished the goal would look like. Again, focus on your contribution to the goal and don't put a bunch of expectations on your spouse.

3. Commit it to prayer

Prayer changes things. Regular intercession on behalf of your marriage toward the accomplishment of your goal helps you realize that you are not alone in your pursuits.  Realize that God is for you and for your marriage. Submit your heart's desire to him in prayer, and listen to what he says to you about it. I believe God has divine strategies to impart to you.

4. Take consistent action

Look for every small opportunity to move toward your goal. Small steps, taken consistently, will get you there more reliably than the occasional giant leap. Yes, giant leaps can and do happen, but these are more likely to occur when you are doing the daily business of being faithful to what you committed to.

What do you commit to quite trying on? Leave a comment.



PS  If you want to listen to the original Michael Hyatt podcast for yourself, click this link.

Why hitting a wall may not always be a bad thing.

Have you ever "hit a wall" in your life? If you have, then you know what I mean by the term. If not, well, read on, because you probably will some day.

Hitting a wall: you know, when you are striving hard for something and suddenly, wham-o, progress toward your goal suddenly stops.

I recently hit a wall at work. I hit it hard, charging at full speed. I was so angry and disoriented that I took the rest of the week off work.

My wall leapt out at me from nowhere, but walls can also creep up on you. Progress slowly grinds to a halt, and it can take a while to realize what is happening.

Hitting a Wall in Your Marriage

We all have hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations for our marriages. Most of you are probably putting significant mental, physical and spiritual effort toward reaching them. More emotional closeness. A more passionate sex life. Being free of debt. Retiring early and traveling the globe together.

These are all good goals to pursue, but sometimes life and circumstances bring on those wall-crashing moments. Bang! And suddenly the goal seems unreachable.

What do you do when you hit a wall? Depending on your personality, your instinct might be to give up or to put your head down and fight even harder.

Let me give you three tips I recently learned from my own crash and burn.

1.  Rethink Your Instinct

My pastor shared some interesting insight with me in regard to my work situation. He said that sometimes the Lord will put wall in front of us to get us to go a direction other than where our natural path might be. In my job, I would normally have pushed back hard to see my agenda moved forward. But in this case, I felt an overwhelming sense that I was to ease off instead. There was an amazing sense of peace that came over me when I realized that my happiness didn't depend on my own plan being accepted and supported.

When you hit a wall, your emotions will tend to take over and drive to react instinctively. Let me encourage you to respond instead of react. When you react to hitting a wall, it is usually out of fear, insecurity or pain. Choosing to respond (and it is a choice) means you step back and challenge your instinctive reaction and give yourself time to size up the situation. You can then think it through based on your core values and prayerful consideration rather than raw emotion.

2.  Take Time to Reassess

When you pause to do an honest assessment of the situation, you might just find that your most natural course of action is not the best way forward. You may discover that the path you were charging so hard down before you hit the wall wasn't actually taking you where you want to go.

Brain science proves that our human brains are hardwired to look for the autopilot switch. Consider the wall an opportunity to do a fresh assessment. Maybe it is time to dream some new dreams or set some new goals. Maybe it is time to take a different path toward the goals that you want to continue to pursue.

(I shouldn't need to say this, but I will: obviously I am not suggesting that this reassessment include giving up on your marriage.)

Communication with your spouse in this season is critical. This is an opportunity to build intimacy by being vulnerable and transparent. Even if your spouse was the source of the wall, I still encourage you not to draw away, as your natural reaction might be. Instead, respond by reaching out, however meagerly to make some sort of connection.

I encourage you to pray a lot in the wall-recovery season. Search out the heart of God. Our Father is a good Father, and he has only good intentions toward us. Tap into and agree with what heaven says.

3.  Begin Anew

Read the amazing promises from the Lamentations 3 scripture graphic, and take them to heart. Take time to wait on the Lord and to prayerfully think everything through.

But also don't over-think it. Don't get stuck while you are trying to figure everything out. Every day is a new day and an opportunity for a fresh start. Regardless of how you feel, the Lord's compassion and love are unchanging, day in and day out.

Eventually it's time to take a deep breath and then press forward again. Step out in hope and in the confident expectation of God's goodness and love toward you.

When it comes to your marriage, don't just wait around for your spouse to change. Instead, work on yourself. Do the things you know to do. Delight yourself in doing good for the sake of your marriage and in blessing your spouse.

Be thankful. Nothing moves your heart forward after crashing into a wall like giving thanks. You don't have to be thankful for the wall (though you may find that you eventually are), but find the good in your marriage and spouse and begin to be thankful for them. And it really helps to say your thanks out loud, even to your spouse.

Hitting a wall can be brutal. But it also has the potential to bring with it life-changing, eye-opening fresh opportunities, dreams and direction.

Have you hit a wall and seen how God turned it into a blessing? Would you care to share your experience with my readers? Leave a comment.


Date Night!  - I'm running a new survey on my blog about date nights.  Please take a minute to confidentially share about your date night habits and wishes.

"I don't have disciplines in my life. I have delights."
- Graham Cooke

Recently I had the awesome opportunity to spend an evening in a living room with Graham Cooke, where he uttered the phrase above. It was one among many truth-packed one-liners he offered, each of which could take me days to fully apprehend.

He went on to explain that in his walk with God, he has moved beyond working to do things for God to earn favor and acceptance. Instead, he is able to simply delight himself in God, doing the same kinds of things he did before as disciplines, but doing them instead with a sense of delight. Such activities as prayer, reading the Word, and worship were no longer done with a sense of duty, but with the joy of giving love back to the One who lavishes His love on us.

As is so often the case, I thought immediately of the marital equivalent to this spiritual principle.

Have To, Want To, Get To

In my recent post From "Have To" to "Want To"  I encourage wives to look at sexual intimacy differently. I concluded with this thought:

Let your love for God and your love for your husband, empowered by the Holy Spirit, transform your "have to" into a "want to." Who knows, maybe you might even end up at "get to."

What Graham Cooke described as delight is the attitude of "get to."

You can apply the same idea of "get to" when it comes to a husband meeting his wife's need for emotional connection.

Think about it. When it comes to serving, loving and giving to your spouse in their area of need, how often do you have a "get to" attitude,counting it an honor and privilege? Alternatively, how often do you simply do what you know to be right out of a sense of responsibility or obligation?

Want To Want To

If you find yourself in the place of obligation and duty when it comes to meeting your spouses needs and loving them in the way the want and need to be loved, I want to congratulate you.

Seriously. It may sound like I intend to beat you up with this post, but that is not the case at all. In fact, every marriage will face seasons where there is little joy in giving, where loving your spouse comes down to a daily decision. Those who hang on to their covenant promise "for better, for worse" are to be congratulated. Too many stop trying when they stop feeling it and simply run for the exits.

But I want to encourage you to endeavor to move from "have to" to "want to" by asking God to give you the "want to." God is for your marriage, and He doesn't want you to dwell in the land of obligation in your marriage relationship any more than he wants that in your relationship with Him.

So ask God to help you develop the "want to." Ask Him to fill your heart with His love, which is vastly superior to the love we can come up on our own. Ask Him to remind you of the many attributes that first attracted you to your spouse, and ask Him to bring you back to your "first love." Ask Him to heal any hurts that are causing you to withhold love, to draw back in fear or shame.

It's a prayer God is eager to answer.

The "want to" is the first step. But you have to go further if you want to arrive at "get to." The key is passion.

Living in the Land of Delight

Couples who have moved from discipline to delight, from duty to joyful giving, from "have to," past "want to," and all the way to "get to" tend to have one thing in common: Passion.

Passion is more than just having things steamy in the bedroom, though that is certainly one dimension of it. It extends way beyond the area of physical intimacy into the whole of your marriage. Passion is a frame of mind, a burning on the inside of you, that is full of excitement and fervor for your spouse and your marriage. 

It's not likely that a passionate marriage  will "just happen." No, you have to pursue it, cultivate it, acquire it, and guard it. 

When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give, love and serve each other. Where there is an abundance of passion for each other (both non-sexual and sexual), there is no need to perform, no need to give in order to get love, because in a passionate marriage, love is the baseline; it's a given, a reliable constant.

The Pursuit of Passion

What can you do to get more passion in your marriage?

It's a tricky question, in a way, because I believe passion isn't necessarily obtained directly. Rather, I believe passion is a fruit that grows as a result of a change in the atmosphere of your marriage. Don't despair, though, there are definitely concrete actions you can take to change your relationship in a way that will naturally build more passion into your marriage.

In coming posts I'll be sharing four key areas of focus for building passion. I'm calling this series the Four P's of Passion. I'll be addressing husbands and wives separately over the next four weeks in Men Only Monday and Wives Only Wednesday posts. So stay tuned!

What do you think of my connection between passion and delight? Do you have a testimony to share of when God moved you from "have to" all the way to "get to?" Leave a comment.



PS  If you want to be sure not to miss any of these posts, you might want to sign up to get my blog posts by email.


PPS  I've got a new survey up on my blog that I hope you will help me with:  "Who Owns My Body?" - exploring the controversial verses in 1 Corinthians 7 about the rights to your body in marriage.

When was that last time obedience really cost you something?

During a time of prayer a few months back the Lord brought a question to my mind. It's usually easy to spot the God questions. They aren't the kind of questions I would typically think to ask myself. They often can't be answered offhand, requiring me to wrestle with them before the answer emerges.

And they usually end up rocking my world in a significant way.

The question this time was: "What would radical obedience look like?"

For the purposes of this post I'll spare you the soul searching part and skip to the answer. Jenni and I talked it over and agreed that it was time for me to do whatever it takes for me to finish the book I've been writing in fits and starts but hadn't touched in almost two years.

God of the Ridiculous

I have felt impressed by the Lord on more than one occasion to finish the book, but I would always eventually pass it off as impossible. At this stage of my life I can barely get a weekly post and a monthly newsletter in. A book? Ridiculous to even consider.

But I've found that God is often a God of the ridiculous. By that I mean upside down, out of reach, way out there ridiculous. Maybe more accurate would be to say He is a God of ridiculously radical ideas.

So despite being under more work pressure than ever before. Despite the 102 items backlogged in my to do list (that's a real number, by the way - the photo above is a screenshot from my to do list manager) I am sequestered away at a friend's lake house for a week of concentrated work on my book.

No Guarantees

I would love to promise you that when you step out in radical obedience that the clouds will suddenly part and everything will suddenly turn easy.

Maybe it actually does work that way sometimes, but more often than not, at least for me, it doesn't. This week is no exception.

God did show me ridiculous favor by providing a comfortable secluded place for a week for free, without me even having to ask for it. It was a fantastic confirmation that we had heard God correctly concerning the book.

But the actual writing part is being much harder and more laborious that I had ever imagined. Progress has been so much less than I had hoped for going in.

It's funny (strange funny, not ha ha funny) how after the first steps of obedience God often calls us to a place of deeper trust. You see it everywhere in The Bible. David spent 14 years running for his life before his anointing as king finally came to pass. I'm convinced that during those years of running God was preparing David to bear the blessing he had in store.

Radical Surrender

Radical obedience usually calls for radical surrender.

I'm not talking about the "giving up" kind of surrender but the "giving over" kind. It usually calls for some kind of sacrifice, generosity, submission or serving.

I think God calls us all to radical surrender in our marriages.

Think about your relationship with your spouse. When was the last time God called you to radical obedience in your marriage? I'm not talking about obedience to your spouse but obedience to what you know God has called you to be or to do for him or her.

When is the last time your obedience, your surrender of self, really cost you something? When was the last time putting your spouse first in something was really hard? When is the last time you purposefully chose grace over offense, sexual intimacy over exhaustion, reaching out in kindness in the face of emotional distance?

If you can't think of any recent examples, I encourage you to pray and ask, "God, what would radical obedience look like in my marriage?" Then do whatever he shows you.


PS While you are praying, I'd appreciate your prayers on behalf of this little book writing venture I'm in the middle of.  Thanks. Now back to the book.

Lessons from my 2013 blogging life

As the year 2013 draws to a close, I have been thinking a lot about what lessons I've learned from blogging this year. 

It's actually hard for me to summarize this year at Journey to Surrender. It is one in which I seriously considered ending my blogging endeavors altogether, although I ultimately decided that my heart won't allow me to lay it down - at least not yet.

The Weight

The state of marriage in the US weighs heavy on my heart. The news is mostly not very good. Marriage rates continue to trend down significantly.  More children than ever are being born out of wedlock and cohabitation rates have soared. People just aren't as marriage-minded as they used to be. These are the unhappy, hard facts.

Marriage weighs on my heart because I know these hard facts also weigh on God's heart. I am compelled to continue plugging away at this marriage thing because it matters to Him. A lot. Marriage was his creation, and it pains Him to see it demeaned and diminished.

The struggle for me is that I want to do much more than I am able to do. I want to reach more people with the great news of God's design for marriage. I want to write more, teach more, and help more couples discover and attain all that God has for their marriage.

The Wait

I've got  nearly 100 notes in my "Post Ideas" folder. I have dozens of initiatives waiting in the wings. I don't lack ideas, I lack time.And more time isn't in the cards for the foreseeable future. When you have a demanding full-time job, blogging is just hard.

I can see countless opportunities and ways to do this thing "better." The difference between where I am in marriage ministry and where I want to be is great - sometimes discouragingly so. I could give you a long list.

For now I continue to just do the next thing, to write the next post, even when it's been longer between posts than it should have been (as with this one). I do what I can in other areas, with social media, with book and other writing projects, and with leading small groups in our church.

I want to be faithful, and I will continue to press into what God has called me to while I wait for "what is" to catch up to "what could be."

Of course, it's not easy to wait while bearing a weight.

The Hope

What weight have you been bearing? What weight has you in a season of waiting for fulfillment? What area of your life do you see some misalignment between "what is" and "what could be?"

Is it the weight of wanting more out of your marriage? More emotional, physical or spiritual intimacy? More passion? More communication? More trust?

Do you struggle with the weight of financial burdens? Or health issues? Do you bear the weight of issues with your children or extended family? Unemployment or underemployment?

There is good news for those of us who wait with a weight. His name is Jesus, and He is our hope and our confidence that our wait is not in vain.

Let me encourage you (and myself) with some truth from the Word:

• "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" (Phil 1:6)

• "But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:4-5)

• "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30)

• May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (Hebrews: 13:20-21)

Take Heart

Whatever you find yourself longing for, whatever you find yourself wanting and waiting for, take heart. God is good and has only good intentions for you and me. Even when I am not, He is eternally faithful.

Here are a few things you can do to help turn your season of waiting into one of hopeful and joyful anticipation:

• Do the next thing you know to do.
• Be faithful in the little things.
• Pray. Pray a lot.
• Practice being thankful. Out loud.
• Soak up the promises of Scripture. Think on them often.
• Release control to the Lord. He is trustworthy.
• When you take control back, release it to him again.

Maybe you can tell that I mostly wrote this post for me. If you find yourself in a similar season of waiting with a weight, I hope it offers some encouragement to you as well.

I leave you/us with this blessing from Romans. This is my sincere prayer:

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17)

I thought this a perfect scripture for a day in which we typically gorge ourselves to the point of pain! But there's another reason for this particular verse. Two reasons in fact: peace and joy.

It's been a few years since I've done a Thanksgiving post, I suppose mostly because it seems like everyone does them. I admit to being a bit of a non-conformist in that regard.

My Year of Joy, Peace and Power

At the beginning of each year I spend time seeking the Lord and His heart for me concerning the year ahead. This year I felt the Lord wanted me to learn to walk in more joy, peace and power.  I suppose the Lord knew this would be a challenging year for me, full of things like tremendous job stress and significant financial pressure, among other challenges. He knew I would need to be have my mind set on the joy, peace and power that only He can provide in such circumstances.

Thanks and Peace

I've been learning something interesting about peace lately. I'm learning how often the Bible links peace with thanksgiving. I'm convinced there is a relationship between the two.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Col 3:15-17

Get that? We are CALLED to peace. How do  you find peace? Be thankful, have gratitude in your heart, give thanks in all things.  And this scripture passage seems to indicate that speaking your thanks out loud (psalms, hymns and spiritual songs) is one of the keys. Don't just think thanks, speak it (or even better, sing it).

There's more:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phil 4:6-7

Do you have anxiety? Want peace instead? Pray with thanksgiving (not with fear or dread, but thanksgiving) in your heart. It's a guard for your heart and your mind. What does a prayer with thanks sound like?  "Lord, I thank you that your are good and that all your thoughts toward me are good. Let your goodness fill my life, and let your supernatural peace rule my heart."

Thanks and Joy

Just as thanks and peace are linked in the Bible, so too are thanks and joy.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thes 5:16-18

Want to know God's will for your life?  It's joy and thanks, flanking your prayers.

So hear is my Thanksgiving prayer for you and  yours this year:

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.

Col1:9-12 (NKJ)

And I'll add this prayer to it:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

May this day be more than a day of feasting and family, may it be filled with an abundance of thankfulness that brings you deep and abiding joy and peace!