Journey to Surrender

Does your marriage more closely resemble a religious exercise or an intimate relationship?

Did I cause you to do a double-take with the headline? After all, isn't this that blog where they are always talking about the intersection of the marital and the spiritual; the blog that explores that "bridal paradigm" thing with Christ and the church being a model for marriage?

Yep this it that blog, but would it shock you if I said I'm not a big fan of religion?

Religion vs. Relationship

The popular Christian pollster George Barna published a 2003 Study which found that 81% of self-identified Christians contended "that spiritual maturity is achieved by following the rules in the Bible."

Does that statistic make you cringe? It actually makes me a bit sad. I think it makes God sad too.

Religion is what Jesus came to deliver us from! Religion is all about rules. Following Jesus is all about relationship. Jesus spent most of his earthly ministry blowing up the rules of His day and pointing people to relationship instead. 

It's not that the truths in the Word of God aren't important. They are very important and there for our good. It's just they aren't the main thing, and they aren't a substitute for the relationship God longs to have with each of us. Spiritual maturity is about being as intimately connected to Jesus as possible. When I'm in that place of intimacy with Him, the rules tend to take care of themselves.

An Important Distinction

Why is the distinction between religious rules and relationship so important for your marriage? Because if your marriage is intended to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church, then you need to have an accurate picture of what God intends that to look like. And His highest intention is intimacy, not our good behavior or religious activities.

1. Performing for Love

Religion says that God loves me most when I perform for him. Relationship says that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more or to make Him love me less. Love is who he is. It's his nature. It's unconditional.

Love for your spouse should be as unconditional as the love of God. Lavish love on your spouse with abandon, regardless of the love you feel you are receiving. God does not withhold blessing from me until I have my act together. Neither should I withhold blessing my wife based on her performance to my standards.

2. Punishment or Grace

Religion says that God will punish us if we mess up. In fact, some act like God is shocked and offended by our screw ups. But the truth is that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross has paid for every screw up I have done and for every one I ever will do. Same for you. Our sin comes as no surprise to him, yet he chose to give his life for us anyway. 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

A grace-filled, religion-free marriage means that forgiveness overrules retribution. There may be natural consequences when you or your spouse makes a mistake, does something unkind, or are guilty of some other offense, but relationship dictates that grace is at the forefront of our response.

As you have been freely forgiven by Jesus; freely forgive your spouse.

3. Passion and Desire

The Bible is a love story of a God in passionate pursuit of a bride, who would go to extreme lengths  to win her to himself. So great is his desire for us that he sacrificed his own Son in order to live with us in intimacy, right now and forever.

Passion and desire are godly emotions. We feel them because God feels them, and we are made in his image.

Could it be that the way we have disconnected God from sex has something to do with the way we have disassociated God from emotions like passion and desire? Of course his desire is not of a sexual nature, but I definitely believe that there is a direct spiritual parallel between sex in marriage and the kind of deep, passion-filled intimacy God wants with us.

A right understanding of the emotions of God toward us, including His great passion and desire, is key to understanding how we can love each other in marriage. My own journey into understanding the bridal paradigm started with a revelation of the emotions of God, and it greatly impacted my marriage.

I recently heard Pastor Robert Morris explain this in a sermon entitled "God's Greatest Desire." He summarized it this way,  "God's greatest desire is to marry you, and to live happily ever after with you. And he has worked out all the details through grace." God's own desire for intimacy is mirrored in us, since we were formed in his image. That's the reason he made man and woman to be intimately joined in marriage.

4. Two Become One

Many Scripture passages make it clear that when we come to faith in Christ we become one with him. Yet somehow we labor under the notion that we have to work our way into unity with him and that if we mess up, then that unity is somehow broken. Yet God makes it clear in Scripture that "nothing can separate us from the love of God." (Romans 8:39)

In a similar way, many describe marriage as the process of becoming one, with oneness as something that we work toward, but never fully achieve. Oneness is portrayed as fragile and elusive. I used to think of it that way too! But then I realized that unity in marriage works the exact same way as our unity with Christ. It is what Paul calls a "great mystery" in Ephesians. When we marry, two become as one.

 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:31-32

So then, marriage is the process of learning to enjoy and live fully in the unity we have already been granted by virtue of the fact that we are married. If we see our oneness as something we have to earn, then we'll forever be falling short and striving for the unity that is already ours. As I said in my post What If We Really Are One?  we will live very differently if we believe we are truly one.


I've been digging into the bridal paradigm for more than a decade, yet I am continually discovering new ways in which my relationship with Jesus informs my understanding of marriage and vice-versa. I am realizing that if I want to understand how marriage is designed to work, I have to more fully know the true nature of God. 

What other "religious" notions about God might negatively impact how you live out your marriage? Add to my list. Leave a comment.

Feeding your soul is just as important as feeding your body.

Face it, we are all too busy. There isn't time enough for all the "have to's" much less time for the optional enriching pleasures of life.

You take time to feed your body, because you'll die if you don't. But did you know that you also need to take time to feed your soul? Did you even know that was a thing? Trust me, it is. It's an important thing. To me it's just as important as feeding your body.

If you don't feed your soul, it will become sick and withered, just as your body would if you neglected to feed it for too long.

What Makes You You

I've heard a lot of people express opinions about the differences between heart, soul, flesh, spirit, etc. I'm not a theological expert, and I don't really want to dig deep into Greek and Hebrew definitions, but to me, in simplest terms, I think of your soul as the essence of who you are: your intellect, your personality, your quirks, your likes and dislikes, your emotional constitution, your aspirations and dreams.

Despite what some may say, I don't think the soul is inherently evil or good. It's clear from the Bible that your soul can be influenced positively or negatively. Obviously we want to feed our souls with good stuff.  It's important not to just ignore your soul as being "non-spiritual," because when you do, you will gradually become less and less who you really are. When lose touch with what makes us feel alive, our souls wither.

Ten Ways to feed your soul

So how can we tend our souls in a positive way? Of course there is the important aspect to keep our souls in submission to the Holy Spirit. I'll touch on that more in another post, but there are also ways to feed your soul that aren't inherently "spiritual."  (Side note: in actuality, everything is spiritual, but that's for later).

Here are ten ways I came up with to keep your soul healthy:

1. The Beauty of God's Creation - Jenni and I have discovered that we need to regularly look on natural beauty. For us that often means renting a cabin in the mountains with a beautiful mountain view. The photo above is from a recent trip to California, where we got to enjoy lots of beautiful sights.
2. Contemplate Other Kinds of Beauty - Beauty is not just found in nature. For some beauty may be found in art or in a cityscape. Find the kind of beauty that brings you alive and make sure you regularly spend time gazing upon it.
3. Music that Touches Something Inside You - Music has a way of touching our souls in a powerful way. While many of us enjoy music as we rush from here to there, how often do you delibertely still  yourself and really listen? Try it.
4. Exercise Your Brain - If you love to learn, take time to stimulate your mind. Visit a museum. Study the history of a region or country. Read up on a topic that interests you. Listen to a TED talk.
5. Tickle your Funny Bone - Laughter is good for your soul. When was the last time you laughed uncontrollably?
6. Relax - I'm a driven person, and sometimes have to make a real effort to truly relax. While you are doing any of these things to feed your soul, try to turn off your mental to-do list or worry about all the things are not getting done while you are feeding your soul.
7. Play a Game - Jenni and I have found a board game that we really enjoy together. It's the right mix of strategy and luck that we both like playng it. There is something about a physical game (as opposed to an electronic one) that feeds our souls differently.  And it's something we can do together.
8. Create Something - I have several creative hobbies (songwriting and woodworking) that I no longer have time for (or perhaps I should say no longer make time for). How about you? Maybe it's time to figure out how we can regularly make room for at least a little of creativity.
9. Enjoy a Meal With Good Friends - I'm not really a foodie, but I do like to eat and drink a good beer. And a meal is a good way to connect with friends as a couple.
10. Make a Difference - Is there a cause you feel strongly about? Doing something for others that makes a difference is a great way to bring your soul to life.

Do any of these strike a chord with you? Are there other things you do to feed your soul? Can you do at least some of these together as a couple? Let us hear how you feed your soul. Leave a comment.

Never stop working toward deeper intimacy!

I posted another popular intimacy post, Choosing the Path of Intimacy, in a Friday Favorite a few months ago. Below is another top twenty post from that same series on intimacy.

From the original post "Intimacy - As Much as You Want."

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This is the fifth in my series on choices that lead to The Path of Intimacy. Go here to see where this started and to get a complete list of the related posts in this series.

Would it offend you if I told you that you can have as much intimacy in your marriage as you want? I know it’s a risky statement. And I know there will always be exceptions, such as a spouse who is ill-willed, abusive and/or unwilling to put anything into the marriage.

But in general, I believe two things about intimacy

1. You can have as much or as little intimacy in your marriage as you want.
2. There’s always more.

How Much Do You Want It?

There’s an important companion question to the question of how much intimacy do you want. How much do you want it?

Intimacy is organic, a living thing. So if you want it to grow then you have to feed it. A lot.

Left untended, the natural track of intimacy is decline. The Path of Separation, as I call it, is an easy one, and to some extent it is the path of human nature. It is easy and natural for you each choose to focus on your selves, your own needs, your own fulfillment and satisfaction. If you choose to live mostly self-focused and self-protected, intimacy will eventually wither and die.

The Path of Intimacy, on the other hand, takes deliberate choice, or should I say deliberate choices. Lots of them.

I believe that optimally there’s a progression of sorts on The Path of Intimacy, as I’ve said before. It starts with spiritual intimacy, which enables and deepens intimacy in the realm of the soul (emotional and intellectual intimacy), all of which culminates in the ultimate act of intimacy, sexual.

There can be breakdowns or issues anywhere along the way. If it is more sexual intimacy you are after, look back to spiritual and emotional intimacy for issues that need to be addressed. Are spiritually connected? Do you pray together and talk about your spiritual lives regularly? How are you doing with emotionally intimacy? Are you willing to be “naked without shame” in the realm of the soul? Are you transparent with your spouse and intellectually honest? Do you express love in the way your spouse wants it to be expressed? Husbands, do you cherish, protect and nurture your wife? Wives, do you show your husband the kind of respect and admiration he seeks?

How much are you willing to invest to get the kind of intimacy you want?

There’s Always More

Regardless of where you are on the Path of Intimacy, there is always further to go. I purposefully use the word “journey” to describe the lifelong pursuit of deeper marital intimacy. It never stops. Or at least it doesn’t need to.

If you are feeling stalled or even if you are feeling like you have maximized the intimacy you enjoy with your spouse, ask yourself whether you have stopped investing in it. There is always more you can do to stretch yourself and your marriage in ways that enhance intimacy.

Again, I encourage you to look broadly up and down the path for opportunities to grow intimacy. In your sex life, how often do initiate things? Do you try out new ideas or seek new adventures in physical intimacy? As for intellectual intimacy, have you considered learning a new hobby together, taking dancing lessons, researching and visiting a new country, or jointly getting involved in a worthy cause? Is the emotional intimacy between you still growing, or have you decided you already know everything about each other there is to know? In your spiritual life, think about reading a good book the would spur you to spiritual growth, joining a small group or getting involved in a ministry.

Each area of intimacy feeds the other, so as the two of you continue to learn how to live your “one flesh” union, make sure that intimacy is thriving and growing in your whole beings: spirits, souls and bodies.

Focus on Your Part

There’s a strong temptation when dealing with the area of intimacy to play the blame game. It’s easy to blame our spouse for the lack we feel in the intimacy department. While the truth is that maximum intimacy is only achieved when you are both work at it diligently, it is also true that you can only change you.

Of course I encourage honest, open, and non-defensive expression of needs and desires. After all, your partner can’t possibly satisfy and delight you (which should be their primary focus) if he or she doesn’t know what you want and need. But truthfully, most of your effort should be focused on what you can do in your role as husband or wife to enhance intimacy. What are you doing to satisfy and delight your wife or husband? Where are his or her needs going unfulfilled?

If at all possible, and this is where it gets really hard, do the things you know you should do to enhance intimacy without the expectation of getting something in return. You want to avoid the mentality of “giving to get” and instead think in terms of “giving to bless.” This is the way of selfless and unconditional love.

Where are you on the Path of Intimacy? How much more do you want? And what are you willing to do to get it?

Prayer invites the atmosphere of heaven into your marriage.

When I pray for my wife, three things are happening at once (and probably more). The first is that I'm inviting God's involvement and intervention with regard to whatever I'm praying for her about. The second is that it makes me feel closer to her as I'm joining her in whatever is going on in her life. Third, my wife says it makes her feel covered and protected.

All of these have the power to affect the climate of our marriage.

Heaven's Intervention

Whether I'm praying for healing, for peace, for our marriage or for God's blessing on my wife and children, I'm inviting God to intervene on her behalf. I'm agreeing with heaven.

God is a good Father. He longs to give good gifts to His children. Jesus is also an excellent Bridegroom, who gave us the example of going to the Father on behalf of His bride. Prayer is just our way of agreeing with God's goodness and inviting His participation with us.

Heavens Atmosphere

Prayer also helps me to see things from God's perspective. It's always amazing how my thinking shifts from an earthly to a heavenly perspective when I start to offer things up in prayer.

By shifting my thinking, I am actually changing my mindset and thereby helping to shift the atmosphere in my life, marriage and home to line up the the Kingdom of Heaven.

Prayer As Conversation

You don't need a bunch of theological training to pray. You don't have to jump through any spiritual hoops or even clean up all the sin in your life. God invites us to come to him as we are.

I think sometime the most powerful prayers are the simplest ones; when we come to God and pour out our hearts in sincere conversation.  God really likes that.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16 (NIV)

So don't disqualify yourself from praying. Jesus has qualified you to approach Him with confidence. You don't have to do anything but come.

So come to God freely and frequently, and pray for your spouse.  Just watch as the climate in your heart and in marriage change for the better. 

How has prayer affected the climate of your marriage? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Previous Climate Change Posts:

1. Affirmation
2. Kindness

You have the chance to agree with heaven's definition of who your spouse is.

By the title, of course, I don't mean whose name appears on your marriage license. I mean do you know who they really are; who God created them to be? Can you see him or her the way  heaven does?

This is a follow up to last week's "Who Are You?" post.

So why spend time discussing identity on a marriage blog? It's because identity is one of those hidden forces that affects your marriage every day. It's foundational.

Your identity affects how you view yourself and others. It affects how you (or how you don't) express and receive love. Believing lies about your identity will hold you back in your marriage, your career, parenting, ministry and every other dimension of your life in which God wishes you to thrive.

Who is Your Spouse?

Yes, it's important to understand who God says you are. It's also really important to understand who God says your spouse is.

Do you look at your spouse as God does? Who is he/she at the core of their being? It's a hugely important question.

Your spouse's identity affects the way you interact with each other on a daily basis.

• What says "I love you" to him or her.
• What are his or her aspirations and dreams?
• What makes him or her feel joy?
• What causes him or her to feel valued and appreciated?

One of the biggest reasons for you to really "get" your spouse's identity is to help him or her fight against "identify fraud." The enemy (sometime referred to in scripture as the accuser) loves to feed us lies about our identity. Your spouse needs your help combating those lies.

Seeking to Change and Control

I'll come right out and say this, because it's important. Identity fraud doesn't just come from the enemy. It can also come from our own spouse.

There is a natural tendency in marriage to try and change or control our spouses so they conform to who we want them to be. We all do it from time to time. Most often this revolves around trying to get our needs met in some way or to get him or her to love us in the way we want to be loved.

We've probably all heard that trying to change your spouse is mostly futile. You can't actually control someone else. You may be successful at manipulating their behavior to suit your expectations and wants for a short time, but in the long term it's just not sustainable, and it isn't love.

More than likely, in truth, trying to control or change our spouses will often produce the very opposite of what we want.

Agreeing with God

Ultimately, your goal should be to agree with the true identity God has placed in your spouse.

I wrote last time about the two kinds of truth we want to agree with. There are those important universal truths that describes our identity in Christ as believers. And then there are the truths about your spouse as an individual. It's important to have an understanding of both.

There's more to tapping into your spouse's identity than just being a careful observer. Sure that can help, but if that is all your rely on, it equates behavior with identity, and we all know that we sometimes act out of an immature expression of our identity. When you know who your spouse really is at the core of their being, you have the opportunity to spur him or her on to walk in their true identity.

Knowing your spouse's true identity is what allows you to have grace toward them when their actions fail to line up with who they really are.

You have the opportunity to be a powerful ally with heaven in reminding your spouse of the truth. 


Can't see the video? Watch it here.

God's idea of who you are is the only one that really matters.

The truth is that we all tend to allow ourselves to be defined by others. It starts when we are young, with our parents and family members. We grow up and start giving others permission to shape the way we see ourselves: teachers, bosses, spouse, friends, sometimes even total strangers.

But who really defines you?

There is only One who can most accurately and completely define you: the One who made you.

God specifically fashioned you into who you are. Your skills and abilities, your quirks, your personality, and all that makes you who you are. He put these in you for a purpose, and He has a great plan for how these can be used for His glory and for your blessing. And, I might add, He really likes you.

Wait, you say, but I have all this stuff in me that I don't like. What about my weaknesses, my flaws and failings? Well, let me assure you  that none of these catch God by surprise. Let me further assure you that when God looks at you, through eyes that know no time, he sees you as he intended you to be in fullness and completeness. He sees past your flaws and failings and into your perfection. 

And He never stops drawing you by the Holy Spirit toward Himself, so that you might discover your true identity.

Finding Out What God Says

If we are going to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and walk in the fullness of who God made us to be, it's really helpful to know how He sees us. His is the only completely valid definition.

Here are two ways to approach our quest to see ourselves as God does.

The first is to understand what the Bible says about all of us as followers of Christ. There are tons of promises that shed light on God's perspective and His deep emotions about you and me.

• We are completely forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)
• We are free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
• We ravish his heart with one glance of our eyes (Song 4:9)
• We are deeply loved (John 17:23)
• We are one with Christ (Ephesians 2:6)

These are just a few of the amazing truths found in God's Word about who we are in Jesus.

When God Speaks About You

The second part of understanding how God sees you is to grasp how He uniquely looks at you and you alone, in addition to the general truths we just mentioned.

The cool thing is that we can ask him to show us! God is a good Father, and He has really awesome and amazing things to say to us about who we are as His children. Have you ever asked him to show you and waited on Him to speak to your heart?

I've never heard the audible voice of the Lord, but there are many other ways in which I have heard him speak.

• The Word - specific passages that the Lord highlights to reveal truths that God wants to emphasize about me.
• Pictures - God has frequently used images in my mind to convey truths to my heart that go beyond words.
• Music and worship - God touches me deeply through music, because he made me a musician, and He has a musical spirit.
• Impressions - The Holy Spirit has imparted feelings and emotions to my heart directly.
• Dreams - I don't dream often, but I have had a few that were clearly from God.
• Visions - similar to dreaming while I'm awake or a moving version of pictures.

Understanding the heart of God toward you may come from one of these, a combination of several ways, or something different altogether. The main thing is to seek and ask and be open to hearing in different ways. Believe that the Father really wants to speak to you, because your identity is hugely important to Him.

Others can also help you understand the heart of God toward you, but use caution. Not everything that people tell you about your identity will necessarily agree with God. Test it. Pray about it, seek confirmation and clarity. Only receive from those whose spiritual discernment you trust.

Your Spouse's Role

Because you and your spouse are one, he or she may know you better than anyone else. However, if they only define you by what they see in the natural, then they are only getting a partial picture.

Your spouse does not get to define who you are. They can agree with what God says about you and support you walking toward that, or they can deny it. But they aren't free to define you outside of what God says about you.

I actually think it's really important for us all to also ask God to show us how He sees our spouse - to earnestly seek revelation. But that's my next post.

Simple ways to support and encourage your husband's spiritual leadership without being controlling or demanding.

Welcome to Wives Only Wednesday. It's been a while since my last WoW post, so as a reminder, these are posts I do specifically for wives. Husbands can check out the related Men Only Monday post: 3 Simple Ways to Lead Your Wife Spiritually.

Most Christian wives I know are longing to have their husbands take up their God-given role as the spiritual head of the household. So how do you encourage your husband to lead? Many wives either have tried and failed or aren't sure what to do.

(Note: these suggestion are for Christian couples and do not address the situation of an unbelieving husband. Also note that the "What Won't Work" section is especially true for a non-believing spouse.)

What Won't Work

There is a principle that says you can't push on a rope. When you try pushing, all you get is a tangled mess. This rope principle applies to roles in marriage. Below are some examples of pushing.

Criticism - Many husbands won't step up and lead spiritually because they fear they will fall short or embarrass themselves. Criticizing your husband's spiritual life will only exacerbate his fear of failure and judgment from you. The higher the expectations you heap upon him, the less likely he is to step up. Communicating dissatisfaction will likely have the very opposite effect you hope for and cause him to pull back from expressing his spirituality to you. Be aware that he can easily view even well-intentioned questions as accusation ("Did you pray about that?").

Nagging - Demanding your husband be a stronger spiritual leader won't work. That is actually you usurping his leadership and will cause him to shrink back further. Nagging him about his spiritual habits will have the same negative effect. Such question as "When was the last time you had a quiet time?" or "Have you read your Bible today?" are actually just veiled attempts to control his spiritual life. It doesn't work.

Comparison - This is probably an obvious one, but pointing out what other husbands are doing to lead their families spiritually will only make him feel like a failure and inadequate in your eyes. Just don't do it.

What You Can Do

All of the approaches listed above amount to trying to control your husband. You and I both know that the only person you can control is yourself. Controlling amounts to pushing on the rope of your husband's spiritual leadership, and it will probably backfire.  So, what can you do to help create an internal "pull" in your husband's heart to want to grow in his headship role?  Here are a few ideas that are based on love and serving rather than on control:

Show Honor - Let go of your spiritual checklists and expectations. Your husband's spiritual life is most likely going to express itself differently from yours, and that's okay. My wife's quiet times and mine are as different from each other as they can be. Mine are less frequent, less scheduled and tend to be shorter than hers. It took me a while to realize that we are just different in this regard. Honor and respect his way of seeking God.

Value His Insights - Even if (and maybe especially if) you feel you are spiritually stronger and more knowledgeable than your husband, ask for his opinion on spiritual matters. Invite him into your spiritual struggles and questions. Ask him to pray for you about specific situations and thank him when he does. Acknowledge his answered prayers. This has two outcomes. First, it builds spiritual intimacy as you learn to share your hearts in a vulnerable fashion, and second it helps him build spiritual muscle.

Express Appreciation - Acknowledge every step your husband takes in spiritual growth and in leading your family. Affirm him by saying, "I'm so thankful to have you as the spiritual head of our home." Thank him when he opens up to you about spiritual matters or offers his perspective. Appreciation will demonstrate your desire for his spiritual leadership without you actually having to say it.

Seek Intimacy - Spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy are all connected. If you desire deeper spiritual intimacy, pay attention to your sex life and to how you act with him emotionally. There is not a formula, but fruit in one dimension tends to spill over into the others.

As I said, these actions are about showing love to your husband in language he can appreciate, and when you do these you invite his leadership by offering him your submission. The Greek word for submission used in the famous Ephesians 5 passage on marriage (hupotasso)  means to arrange yourself under. When you willingly show your husband honor and respect with your actions, you are arranging yourself under his loving spiritual leadership.

Of course you should pray for your husband, for spiritual intimacy between you, and for his headship in the spiritual domain of your marriage, but you don't have to just pray and wait. While prayer is vital and your number one strategy, there are also practical steps you can take that create an environment where his leadership can thrive.

These are my ideas for what will and won't work in your journey toward a rightly ordered spiritual dimension of your marriage.  I'd love to hear any ideas you have!  Leave a comment.

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Leading your wife spiritually is not as hard as you might think.

It's been a while since I've written a Men-Only-Monday post. As the moniker implies, these posts are intended for husbands. Wives, come back Wednesday for your side of the equation on this topic.

Are you among the many men who feel unqualified to lead their wives and family spiritually? Do you feel like your wife has more knowledge, more insight, and more sensitivity concerning spiritual matters? If you are like most men, you aren't going to attempt things you don't feel you can excel at, which means that you might hold back from even trying to be the spiritual head of your family.

You don't need a theology degree or years of biblical study to spiritually lead your wife. Don't disqualify yourself for this important role that God has assigned you to. The way the Bible describes spiritual headship, as with other dimensions of headship, has nothing to do with being the "spiritual boss" or being in any way spiritually superior to your wife. It doesn't mean you need years of spiritual wisdom under your belt before you start leading.

Leading your wife spiritually is not nearly as hard as you might think it is. For the most part, it just means consistently pointing your wife to Jesus and inviting his covering over your family.

If the idea of spiritual leadership is new to you, here are three simple, easy ways to begin stepping into your God-ordained role.

1. Pray

Maybe you aren't that comfortable praying out loud in front of others, maybe even with your wife. If that's the case, just ask your wife what you can pray for her about. A simple "How can I pray for you today?" text message will work great! Then do actually pray for her and let her know you did. Even this simple little step will bless her more than you know.

If you can muster your prayer courage, I would urge you to actually pray together. Prayer builds spiritual intimacy like few other things can. If that seems too difficult for you, start just by praying together silently. Maybe conclude with the Lord's prayer, if spontaneous prayer doesn't come easily for you. You can also pray the "Apostolic prayers" right out of the Bible . A few examples are Ephesians 1:17-23, Ephesians 3:16-21, Colossians 1:9-14, Philippians 1:9-11, Romans 15:13. These are great prayers for when you don't know what to pray.

2. Read, Learn & Share

Pick a book on a spiritual topic that interests you. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is something that speaks life to you or challenges you in some way. Devotional books can be good, because they tend to be short easily digestible. I'll admit that I've never been a regular devotional reader, because I prefer books that drill a little deeper into a topic, but that's just me.

I also encourage you to read the Bible regularly. If you don't know where to start, you might consider a topical Study Bible. If you are looking for a life-giving translation, I suggest the Passion Translation Series. If you are new to Bible study, start off with the Gospels. If you feel you have a hard time understanding what you read in the Bible, pray for revelation and understanding. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth (John 16:13), and He is eager to do it (Luke 11:11). Just ask.

A few times a week, as you come upon something that gives you a new insight or seems helpful to you, or when the Lord gives you a particular revelation, share it with your wife.

Your wife will feel safe and protected when she knows you are pressing into a deeper understanding of God. This is one dimension of God's instruction to husbands to wash your wife with the water of the word (Ephesians 5:26).

3. Invite Her In

As I said, headship does not imply superiority. I describe the relationship between husband and wife as described in the Bible as an ordered partnership, where husband and wife are of equal value but willingly take on different roles to support and honor each other.

Good leaders invite the full participation of those they lead and encourage them to employ all of their talents and capabilities. So invite your wife into partnership with you as together you discover God's heart and plans for your marriage and your family. Lean on her spiritual discernment and sensitivity to the things of the Spirit. Invite her to bring her spiritual gifting to your partnership.

Intimacy comes from being fully known and knowing you are completely loved. Spiritual intimacy is no exception. Be real, honest and willing to be vulnerable with your wife about your life in God. Invite her to do the same. It's not a competition to see who is more spiritual. It's about encouraging each other to walk in your God-given destinies and to grow in the knowledge of who God is. 

If you are the stronger one, spiritually, never use your position to browbeat or speak harsh judgment to your wife. Rather, speak grace and truth and encourage her toward who God says she is.


Now it's your turn. What simple tips do you have for husbands who want to take a more active role in leading their wives spiritually? Leave a comment.

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If you are reading this by email or on a mobile device, please take a minute to participate in my new survey. "What Do You Want More of In Your Marriage?"

Tip #2:  Enjoy the doing and not just having it done.

Christmas is a time of lists. Christmas wish lists. Shopping lists. Lists of names for Christmas cards and party invitations. Menu and grocery lists.
I'm a list maker, and not just at Christmas. I use an app to keep all my lists organized (Wunderlist, in case your are curious) that syncs to my phones, tablet, various desktop computers. That means my lists are always with me.
I love checking things off my lists. I've even added an otherwise missing, just-completed item to my to-do list, just for the pleasure of ticking it off.
In Tip #1 I cautioned against  letting your plans overtake your priorities.  Tip #2 is a similar, though slightly different caution about lists. Make sure you take time to enjoy actually doing the things on your list, and don't just take pleasure/relief in checking them off.
Watchfulness - Finding Meaning in the Mundane
I write a lot about being watchful. The simplest way to explain it is to say that watchfulness means taking yourself off of autopilot. It means paying attention to things that otherwise might go unnoticed.
Here are a few Christmastime opportunities for watchfulness.
Be Present in the Presents - Giving and receiving gifts is a big part of many people's Christmas traditions. But it can also be a source of a lot of stress and distraction. You've hear it said about gift giving, "it's the thought that counts." While it is true that the thought isn't always appreciated, be thoughtful as you plan, buy and wrap for those closest to you. Ask yourself what attributes about them stand out the most to you. What makes them a unique part of your life? How have they blessed you? What are you thankful for about that person? Think of giving a gift that speaks to one or more of these thoughtful questions, even if it's just a hand written letter to that effect. While time will certainly not permit you to do this with every person you give gifts to, consider whittling down your list to those in the center of your life. This will allow you to put more thought into fewer gifts.

Include Prayers with the Postage - We don't always send Christmas cards - some years are just too crazy. If sending cards is part of your tradition, consider praying for each family or person you send a card to. Maybe get the kids involved by dividing the names among your immediate family members. Is there a Scripture promise or blessing you could include for them? Don't just check off the names, but take time to actually to engage your heart as you send your cards. Another idea is to pray for the senders as you receive cards in the mail.
Pause the Preparation - Stop once in a while, in the middle of all the buying, baking, wrapping and cleaning to just be. Grab a cup of tea or coffee (or something stronger) and consider the meaning behing all that business. Find ways to enjoy yourself and take pleasure in the middle of all the doing. Spend quality time with your family. Pause to take a mental snapshot and give thanks in the moment (you don't have to post everything to Instagram or Facebook). Try not to be so busy and distracted that opportunities for meaning slip by unnoticed.
It's okay if none of these particular ideas work for you. The important thing is to find ways to make the doing meaningful and and enjoyable and not just stressful. Find ways to experience true joy, peace and enjoyment this Christmas.
What might you do differently this Christmas to find more meaning in the middle of the madness? Leave a comment.

Next time: Tip #3 - Focus on Relationships More Than on Things

Tip #1 - pick priorities over plans


I've got plans. Big plans. Lots of big plans.

My plans for this marriage ministry include a brand new, completely redesigned website. (I know some of you are saying "It's about time!" Thanks for putting up with my rough and ugly site for so long!)

I've got a bunch of writing projects that I'm very excited about. Stuff that is going to make a huge impact on a lot of marriages. I can't wait to share these with you! I want to start doing some videos, maybe even a podcast. Some day.

If you are at all like me there is a slight down side to having lots of big, exciting plans - they can make you completely miserable if you let them.

Balancing Plans and Priorities

What I have to keep in mind as I plan, is that I can't let my plans mess up my priorities. That means keeping God at the center of all I do. It means keeping family priorities high. It means making sure I'm not so busy writing about marriage that I neglect my own.

In the same way, I also have to balance plans and priorities when it comes to fighting off the Christmas crazies.

As we make plans this Christmas, whether it be parties, church activities, shopping, family gatherings or whatever, let's not let our non-seasonal priorities slip by the wayside.

In the press of plans and many opportunities for festivities of all kinds, let's remember to keep our first things first:

Keep Christ First in Christmas - It's easy to lose track of the real reason for the season among all the trappings. Consider what you might do this year that intentionally keeps the holiday centered on the miraculous gift of God to mankind in his Son, Jesus. Observe Advent. Do a Christmas devotional study. Read over the Gospel accounts of the Christmas story as a family, spreading the readings out through the remaining days until Christmas. Have periodic candle-lit prayer times, either personally, as a couple, or as a family, where you intentionally focus on the light of Christ that came into the world and it's meaning for your daily life. Have a child-friendly nativity set that you can play with together with your children as you explain the story.

Keep Your Marriage First in Your Family - There is a tendency, especially at Christmas, to make it all about the kids. It's fun to focus on them and their wide-eyed wonder, but remember that your only covenant relationship, outside of the one with Christ, is with your spouse. Don't let December craziness cause you to neglect date nights. Christmas can be an extremely romantic time of year. Take the time to snuggle by a roaring fire, maybe with a glass of wine or eggnog, and connect about your relationship (this is not the time to compare to-do lists or talk about holiday plans - this is a great time to kiss and hold each other).  Reflect together on the goodness of God and take turns expressing thanks for the good things in your life and relationship. Keep your marriage first in your extended family as well. Protect each other and be a refuge for each other from the drama that so often comes with extended families.

Keep Your Family First Above Others - There is research to support the fact that families who observe holiday traditions together have happier, healthier children. But the research also shows that this effect is only true when these traditions are filled with meaning and full family participation (including, and especially fathers). In other words, it's not about going through the motions of tradition. I encourage you to keep and/or establish some thoughtful traditions this year for your family to enjoy. Make family time a priority as you sort out your other plans.

Let Some Things Go

In my family we often joke about certain family members having ATMS (Afraid To Miss Something). It's what causes college students to stay up late at night, not wanting to risk sleeping through some potential fun, spur-of-the-moment outing. It's what compels others to attend a party that they aren't really all that interested in because something fun might happen without them.

So this Christmas season, say no to ATMS, and say no to too much activity. Saying no to some activities and plans is saying yes to your most important things. Let some things go. You don't have to do it all. Don't allow the expectations of others to press you into a frenzy of activities. Just. Say. No. Respectfully explain that you are keeping activities to a minimum this year in order to keep your priorities in line.

Plans are great. Plans can be fun. But too many plans, when they end up competing with your first priorities, can cause you needless stress and misery. I'm going to take steps to keep my first things first this Christmas, how about you? 

What might you do differently this year to avoid the Christmas crazies? Leave a comment!


Next time: Tip #2 - Enjoy the Doing, Not Just the Being Done

Is the culture in your marriage giving you the kind of marriage you want?

Over the next two posts we are going to be exploring culture. No, not what's happening in society, but rather I'll be encouraging you to take a closer look at the culture that exists within your marriage.

Why is your marriage's culture important? Allow me to borrow a few phrases from the business improvement book, Change the Culture, Change the Game, by Roger Connor and Tom Smith.

Every organization [marriage] has a culture, which either works for you or against you.

Either you manage the culture or it will manage you.

The culture of your marriage will largely determine the future course of your relationship with your spouse.

In a post I did a few years ago, What is the Culture of Your Marriage?, I made the claim that "a pound of culture is worth 10 pounds of strategy." What I meant by that is that if you get the culture right, strategy becomes less critical. The truth is that your actions and words tend to line up more with your culture than with your strategy, plans and intentions.

Your marriage has the culture you and your spouse let happen. You either shaped it intentionally toward what you wanted it to be or it defaulted to something else. Obviously it's better to purposefully craft your culture, but to do that it's helpful to first understand where you are.

Below are five questions that will give you insight into the culture that surrounds your marriage:

1) What do you believe about your marriage? 

Connor says in his book that transformational change doesn't happen until you change what you believe. It's true in business. It's true in your faith walk. And it's true in your marriage.

So what do you believe?

Do you still believe in the vows your made on your wedding day? Believe it or not, they become more important the longer you are married. Do you believe that marriage is a convenient social institution or do you understand it to be a holy union personally designed by God to be reflection of his love relationship with us?

Do you believe your marriage is primarily for what you get out of it, or do you understand that it's about more than your personal happiness?

Do you buy the lie of inevitable marital decline, that all marriage devolve into roommate status? Do you believe that you can have as much intimacy as you desire and that there is always more available to you than what you are walking in right now?

Changing your actions without changing your belief system is unsustainable. As Connor explains, belief is the difference between investment and mere involvement.

 2)  What do you and your spouse value most?

What is most important to you? Family? Faith? Finances? How do your value priorities differ from those of your spouse?

When a couple has differing value priorities, it inevitably creates stress and tension in the marriage. How do you navigate these differences? Do you have a culture of honor, where you respect what is important to your spouse even when it is not something you care that much about? Does your spouse do the same for you?

3) What is your attitude toward your marriage and your spouse?

Attitude is the way you express and apply your beliefs and values.

What would people say about your marriage by observing your behavior? Do you act in a manner consistent with your values and beliefs?

Do you maintain an attitude of grace when your spouse seems to act in a way that is our of character makes a misstep? Or do you hold onto resentments and let them build up to an eventual explosion?

4) How do you steward your marriage?

How do you spend your time, money and energy? These say a lot about your actual values, perhaps despite what you say is important. We all struggle getting priorities right sometimes, but on balance, your marriage needs to be the second most important relationship in your life next to Jesus. Your spouse and God are the only two beings you have a covenant relationship with. Do you treat them that way?

What activities characterize your marriage? Do you still date each other? Do you still pursue each other? Do you have shared interests?

5) What is the main goal of your marriage?

This is a critical question that many couples never bother to ask of each other. Not having a common understanding of the main goal of your marriage means you are likely never to attain it. You may even be heading in the opposite direction.

In my post Is Happiness the Right Goal in Marriage I proposed some possible goals for your marriage: selfless surrender, oneness, reaching your full potential, having joy and peace, or holiness. In What If Intimacy Matters Most? I explained my belief that intimacy is actually the most important goal of marriage. Do you agree?

Having a common goal or set of goals for your marriage can greatly impact its culture.


It isn't my intent to judge  your answers to these questions. I ask them to encourage you to take stock for yourself and see if the culture in your marriage is getting you the kind of marriage you want.

Next time we'll look at three simple ways to help shift the culture of your marriage in a  positive direction.

Until then, I challenge you to reduce all this to three words that best describe the culture of your marriage. It's a worthwhile exercise.  If you feel bold, leave your three word answer in a comment.

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Wives Only: The men's ministry of my church is having a conference in September. Ahead of that we are taking a survey about what is important to wives. Will you help us out and take two minutes to complete the quick survey?

Transformational change doesn't happen until you change the way you think.

We are focusing on hope in marriage as part of my "Faith, Hope and Love" series.  In my last post we looked at how hope is more than mere wishful thinking.

True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

But how do we get from the wishful thinking kind of hope to the confident expectation kind of hope?

Getting a hold of true hope starts with changing how you think.

What You Think Matters

Here is an important fact about why what you think makes a big difference. Your brain tends to automatically filter and discount anything that doesn't line up with what you believe.

• When you believe that your marriage is hopeless, it won't matter what your spouse does, you are going to see everything through the filter of hopelessness.
• If you believe your spouse will never change, you will automatically discount any effort they make toward positive change.
• If you believe your spouse is completely selfish, any selfless act will be met with skepticism and accusation about their motivation
• If you believe God doesn't care about your marriage, you will miss seeing the hand of God move on behalf of your marriage.
• If you believe you will never have the kind of intimacy you desire, you will miss every opportunity for you and your spouse to move closer to each other.

It is also true that when you chose to believe good things about your spouse and your marriage, you are much more likely to see them when they happen. You see, our brains also have a tendency to identify things that do line up with our belief system.

Start Simply

My daughter was recently going through a hard time, battling pain and hopelessness over a difficult circumstance. In processing things in prayer, the Lord revealed to her the only two questions she was to focus on in this troubled season.

1. Do you believe I am good?
2. Do you believe I am for you?

We (okay I) can have tendency to complicate things. Truthfully, it is much better for us to grab tightly to a few essential truths rather than to grapple loosely with dozens of truths.

So when you are trying to change the way you think, pick one or two areas where you sense that your thinking isn't in line with the truth. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light of truth into your heart. He will. God is a good Father. He longs to impart hopeful truth to your heart.

If you aren't comfortable listening to the Holy Spirit, or don't believe you can hear from God, start with the two truths my daughter was challenged to focus on:

1. God is good and only has good intentions toward you
2. God is for you and for your marriage

Don't Settle For Less Than Fullness

Maybe you don't have a general sense of hopeless about your marriage, but there may be specific areas of your relationship where you have set aside hope, where you have settled for less than fullness in your marriage.  A lackluster or non-existent sex life, financial struggles, in-law troubles, health issues, or lack of emotional intimacy.

Wherever there is hopelessness in your life and marriage, God wants to restore hope. I strongly encourage you to find a few simple truths that you can press fully into in a way that you start to change the way you think.

I recently came across a short video that beautifully expresses what it means to hope in God.  Here are a few quotes:

• There are no hopeless circumstances only hopeless people. 
• God always partners with someone who has hope.
• The people who made a difference in the Bible were unreasonably optimistic.

You'll find the video of this very encouraging little three minute message on my Facebook page. Be sure to like my page while you are there!

True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

Today we move from Faith to Hope, the second part of the trilogy of 1 Corinthians 13:13

Now faith, Hope and love abide, these three, but the greatest is love.

(In case you missed them, here are my first two posts in this series: "Faith in Your Spouse" and "Faith In Your Marriage.")

Faith and hope are inextricably linked. Faith gives legs to our hopes.

Here is how faith and hope are linked Hebrews:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1 NIV

What is Hope?

Sometimes we cheapen hope by equating it with wishful thinking. "I hope it doesn't rain today." Even a nice sentiment such as "I hope my marriage gets back on track" doesn't really ring with the kind of hope we have in God.

Hope, as we understand it from a biblical perspective, is altogether different than wishful thinking. True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

When we lose hope, it's usually because we don't really trust in the goodness and faithfulness of God. When circumstances press against us and our reality doesn't appear to line up with the truth of who God is, hope can be elusive.

When we lose hope, we begin to doubt.  Does God really have my back? Does God actually work all things for good? Is it true that He will never leave us of forsake us? When we lose hope it makes us heartsick (Prov 13:12).

Never is this heartsickness more true than when you lose hope in your marriage.

Restoring Hope in Your Marriage

As I alluded to in my recent post "Renew Your Dreams", there are no magic formulas for restoring lost hope in your marriage. Whatever has led you to such a dark and despondent place is more than likely a path filled with hurt, disappointment and strife, maybe over many years.

As justified as you might be to feel as you do, I implore you not to remain stuck in hopelessness. Don't resign yourself to live in the marriage you have today. And please, please don't head for the exit!

We have this promise from Romans:

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:5

The strength you need to sustain your marriage in hard times is found in the love of God, poured into your heart by the empowering work of the Holy Spirit.  Paul Miller, in his book A Praying Life, describes his own battle with hopelessness, which he describes as cynicism, this way:

"Both the child and the cynic walk through the valley of the shadow of death. The cynic focuses on the darkness; the child focuses on the Shepherd. Cynicism feels more like bondage to me now. Jesus sets me free to love by showing me the dark, self-serving agenda I cling to in my cynicism. I am well aware that the journey is far from over, but I am learning to live in hope. I just need more practice. The Shepherd’s presence in the dark valley is so immediate, so powerful, that cynicism simply vanishes. There is no room for an ironic disengagement when you are fighting for your life. As you cling to the Shepherd, the fog of cynicism lifts."

Cling to the Shepherd

If you feel your marriage on its deathbed, or in "in the valley of the shadow of death" as Psalm 23 describes it, fix your eyes on the Good Shepherd. He has a table set before you in this very season.

I love how beautifully The Passion Translation casts fresh, life-giving light on the very familiar 23rd Psalm.

1  The Lord is my Fierce Protector and my Pastor.
    I always have more than enough.
2  He offers a resting place for me In his luxurious love.
    His tracks take me to an oasis of peace,
    The quiet brook of bliss.
3  That’s where he restores and revives my life.
    He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure,
    And leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness,
    So that I can bring honor to his name.
4  Lord, even when your path takes me through
    The valley of deepest darkness
    Fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
    You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
    Your authority is my strength and my peace.
    The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
    I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
5  You become my delicious feast
    Even when my enemies dare to fight.
    You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
    You give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
6  So why would I fear the future?
    For I’m being pursued only by Your goodness and unfailing love.
    Then afterwards— when my life is through,
    I’ll return to your glorious presence
    To be forever with you.
(Psalm 23 TPT)

As we'll explore next time, restoring hope starts with changing your thinking. If you are in a season of struggle, I encourage you to read this Psalm every day. Wash your mind with the truth of it. Pause after each phrase and let your mind and spirit absorb the truth of it.

Just as faith is important in your walk with God, it's also important in your marriage.

Yeah, it's that whole bridal paradigm spiritual/marital thing again.

Faith is obviously a critical component of our life in God. But did you know that faith is also critical to the life of your marriage?

Springing off my last post, "Renew Your Dreams," I'm  starting a series today entitled "Faith, Hope and Love" in which I'll be covering each of these three topics in the coming weeks.

So let's get started with faith!

Faith in God

Our faith journey in God begins when we choose to believe in Jesus and in what he did for us at the cross. But of course that is just the start of our amazing lifelong adventure in God. Faith goes way beyond our initial salvation.

The Bible describes faith this way:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

At its core, faith is about what we really believe in our hearts, even when the evidence runs contrary to the truths we profess to hold.

Faith requires knowing. For example, faith in the love of God, when it doesn't "feel" present, requires knowing who God is, knowing that his very nature is love. That's why Paul implores us in Ephesians 3 to get to know this unknowable love of God. He goes on to say that it is the key to fullness in our faith journey.

Knowing God's love, really knowing it, carries you through when you aren't feeling it.

Faith in Your Spouse

Admittedly, sometimes faith is a struggle, even when it comes to faith in a perfect and unchangeable God.

Faith in your fallible spouse, who isn't necessarily always walking in full maturity of their identity in Christ, is even more difficult. And the larger the gap between their behavior and who God says they really are, the more we will struggle to see and believe in the "real" person inside.

This brings me to the key scripture upon which we base this series.The context is Paul's familiar and detailed description of what love looks like. Then he concludes by describing what "mature" love looks like.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13:11-13 NKJV

Matthew Henry notes in his commentary that faith is primarily expressed towards God. Hope, on the other hand is on behalf of ourselves.  Love, he says, is expressed mostly in loving others.

I agree that faith is firstly a spiritual matter, but as with most spiritual principles, I believe there is a marital equivalent.

What you believe about who your spouse is at their core - the way God sees them - matters a lot. Faith is important in your relationship with your spouse, because if you don't know who your husband or wife truly is, how can you partner with him or her in reaching their destiny in God?

Jenni and I have recently started watching the series Friday Night Lights. There is a great scene of marital faith in the second show of the first season. Without going into too much detail, the coach of the football team is despondent because his star quarterback, on whom a championship season had largely rested, is injured and out of the picture. The second string quarterback is wholly unprepared for the responsibility that suddenly falls to him.

The dejected coach says to his wife, in essence, "I can't do this. There is no way I can bring this kid up to speed in time." His wife calmly yet adamantly encourages him that yes, indeed he can do this. "It's who you are.  It's what you do." She reminds him of what he's done in the past. With her encouragement, rather than giving up and admitting defeat, he takes on the challenge. Without giving you a spoiler, I'll just say that the new kid makes incredible progress in an amazingly short time thanks to the way the coach pours himself into the young QB.

Your belief in your spouse has great power to call him or her back to their destiny.

I'll close this post with some questions to ponder regarding faith in your spouse:

• Have you asked God to give you divine insight into who your husband or wife truly is - as God sees them?
• Do you have faith enough in your spouse to extend grace to the them when their actions don't line up with who you know they truly are?
• Are you able to remind your spouse who they are when he or she is unable to see it for themselves?
• Do the words you speak to your spouse line up more with who God says they are or with their latest misstep?

What does faith in your spouse mean to you? How does it work it's way into your marriage? I'd love to hear. Leave a comment below.

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Next time:  Part 2 - Faith in Your Marriage

Sin was the problem. Grace was the method. Intimacy was the goal.

Holy Week, Good Friday and Easter have come and gone, but I want to pause today to reflect on the significance of this most holy season and what it means for your marriage.

What Does Easter Have to do With Marriage? 

Actually, a lot more than you might think.

For starters, you have to understand that marriage was on God's heart before time began. Before he set the world in motion, he knew he would need to send his Son, Jesus, to claim an eternal bride.

Marriage, your marriage, is the picture God chose to show us his passionate pursuit of us.

Next consider the symbolism of the Lord's supper on Maundy Thursday. In celebrating the Passover, Jesus takes a cup of wine and offers it to his disciples. This act mirrors the traditional Jewish offer of betrothal in which the groom offers his bride a cup of wine. If she accepts it, she is accepting his marriage proposal. She is declaring her acceptance of the marriage covenant. In effect, she is saying "I am yours, forever."

The Problem, The Method, The Goal

The forgiveness of our sins was not the goal of the cross. I realize that statement could be misinterpreted, but hang with me.

Yes, sin was the problem that separated us from God. Sin needed to be dealt with, and Jesus was the only One worthy of that task. But forgiveness was not the goal.

You see, I believe that sin was the problem. Grace was the method. But intimacy was the ultimate goal. 

Jesus stepped out of heaven, came to earth and died a cruel death in order for us to have an intimate and eternal relationship with God, starting right now. Easter, by way of the cross, gives us intimate and permanent access to the Father.

The Marriage Message of Easter

In religion we have a tendency to get hung up on rules. Rules make us comfortable, because we think they tell us if we are okay or not. Are we "in" or "out?" Are we "good" or "bad?"

But Jesus came to do away with the law (rules) and to replace it with His grace. We are "in" and "good" because of Him. No good we could do got us in. Grace got us in and keeps us in.

Jesus cares a lot more about our love relationship with Him than our ability to follow all the rules. That's why he had such a problem with the Pharisees. They followed all the rules, but their hearts were far from God. (Matt 15:8)

How often in our marriages do we put rules ahead of the relationship? Our rules are all the expectations and demands we heap upon our spouse. It's the bar of acceptability we require them to jump over before we will love them in return, before we will surrender ourselves to them, before we will give back.

But that's not how Jesus loved us. That's not the message of Easter. No, grace abounded "while we were yet sinners." (Rom 5:8)

Consider this passage that kicks off Paul's famous chapter on marriage:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.  Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

In the afterglow of Easter, consider the extravagance of Jesus' offer of grace, and consider the unconditional nature of his love for us. Love your spouse like that.

Grace is an invitation to intimacy. It's as true in your marriage as it is in your walk with God.

Are there areas where you have let rules and expectations hinder intimacy? Consider how growing in grace toward your husband or wife might deepen the intimacy between  you. Move in the direction of grace and see how love, intimacy and passion grow in your marriage.

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I was inspired to write this while reading Kate's excellent post over at One Flesh Marriage, 3 Things the Cross Teaches us About Marriage.  Be sure to check it out.

Welcome to 2015! 

The turn of the new year is always a great opportunity for fresh starts. Whether your are a person who makes resolutions or not, it's a chance for all of us to reflect on the previous year and to dream a bit for the year ahead.

Blogging with Peace and Joy

I went into 2014 with some high hopes and big plans for this marriage ministry thing I do. Yet, after a year of juggling a demanding more-than-full-time job and my blogging and other marriage ministry activities, I find myself in a similar place to where I was at the turn of the previous year. I'm still wanting to do more, to reach more people, to write more, and ultimately to impact more marriages.

In many ways, many of my aspirations for 2015 are carrying over from last year. Yet, this year I'm more comfortable with the fact that there will always be more. It's taken an especially challenging blogging year to realize that I need to be okay with wishes and dreams that may sometimes have to be deferred, yet without losing hope.

I sense that Lord is calling me to be at peace and to take joy in the doing of the things that He has called me to. I need to take joy in the doing, not just in being done. He wants me to live in the moment, each moment, and to stop striving. Easier said than done!

God makes it clear in his Word that I have available to me "the peace that passes understanding" - that's a supernatural peace that has nothing to do with circumstances or how much I accomplish.

He has also made it clear that living at peace (that is, Shalom - the concept of whole being wellness) is the key to also living in joy. Not happiness. Joy. Joy that springs from an inner well, that finds pleasure in being and not just doing. Joy that places my identity in who God says I am and not in what the world says.

Joy - the ability to delight in God, in his endless love and grace toward me, and to eagerly anticipate whatever He has for my future. [Tweet This Now]

I often need to remind myself that peace and joy are both fruits of the Holy Spirit. That keeps me grounded in the reality that these are not things I get by striving in the natural. These are not things I will get from making New Year's resolutions over.

These are gifts that come from Him by the Spirit. If I want to enjoy them, I need to learn to abide in Jesus and to be continually being filled with the Spirit. He is my ultimate source of peace and joy.

Marriage with Peace and Joy

What marriage struggles have you faced in 2014? What hopes and wishes have been deferred, and what are your desires for the year ahead? Do you find yourself another year further along in your marriage journey and yet facing many of the same issues?

Whether 2014 was a breakthrough year for your marriage or it feels more like a year stuck in neutral, there is always more ahead for your marriage. In that way, not surprisingly, marriage is a lot like our walk with Christ. There is always more to discover, more to grow in, new levels of intimacy available, a deeper levels of surrender, new experiences to enjoy.

But the Lord does not want you to strive and struggle in the marriage journey. He wants to infuse it with His supernatural peace and joy. His desire is that you lean into Him and trust that He only has the best intentions for you and for your marriage.

It's fitting to recall what the angels proclaimed at Jesus' birth.

I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people...
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men.
(Luke 2: 10, 14)    [Tweet This Now]

My prayer for you, me and our marriages in 2015 is that it would be a year full of supernatural peace and joy.

Oh and one other thing. I feel that the Lord has declared to me that when I learn to walk in peace and joy, power will follow. Power to do all that he has called me to. Power to see lives and marriages transformed. Power to see the will of God on the Earth, just as it is in heaven.

Peace >> Joy >> Power!  So let it be, Lord!

PS  Don't worry, we'll be back to The Gift of Sex series next week!