Journey to Surrender

If you want an rich harvest of intimacy in your marriage, make sure there is an abundance of trust in the soil of your relationship.

Trust is critical to any meaningful relationship, and it's especially important in marriage.  Intimacy requires being known, and revealing your genuine self requires an atmosphere of trust. The level of intimacy you have with your spouse will be capped by the level of trust you share.

Trust, or lack of it, provides good insight into what you actually believe about your spouse. (Note: it works the same in our relationship with Jesus.) Trust is faith in action. Trust says I believe in you, and I believe that love is at the center of your intentions toward me.

Generally speaking, the need to feel trusted is significantly higher for men than for women, though certainly everyone wants to feel that their partner trusts them. Men typically want to be trusted for what they do (like being a good provider and a capable leader). Women, on the other hand, tend to want to be trusted for who they are (the goodness of their hearts and intentions).

Despite these differences between the sexes, there are some actions both can take to build trust in their relationship.

1) Do what you say you will do - Be reliable. Don't require your spouse to follow up a dozen times before you get around to doing what you committed to. Everyone forgets sometimes, but if you want your spouse to trust your word, be consistent about making good on it.

2) Be real - It's very difficult to trust what you do not know. That means that openness, truthfulness and vulnerability are necessary prerequisites to establishing trust. If you make a habit of hiding your faults or being closed off from your spouse emotionally out of fear or shame, don't expect to earn their trust.

3) Empathize (don’t criticize) - in times of struggle . Getting your spouse to open up to you about their struggles requires that you don't use what they tell you against them. Being critical or judgmental over exposed weaknesses will make your spouse feel they can't trust you in their times of need.

4) Speak Kindly and Affectionately - An atmosphere of kindness is conducive to trust and vulnerability in your relationship.  Speak kindly to each other. Show affection often. In addition, never speak negatively about your spouse to others, including close friends and family members. Even if your spouse never learns of it, it creates an atmosphere of distrust in your marriage.

5) Forgive quickly (and forget) - Apologize when you've done wrong and be quick to accept an apology when you have been wronged. Don't rehash past issues that supposedly have been dealt with or use past mistakes as a weapon. That sends the message that you haven't really granted the forgiveness you said you gave.

6) Put your relationship above your rights - We live in a country founded on rights, and there is a strong societal message that says you have to stand up for and assert your rights. But, in marriage, when your insistence on your rights comes at the cost of the relationship, it sends the message that your spouse can't trust you to take care of the relationship. As my wife says, it's not about being right, it's about being love.

7) Value freedom (vs. control) - When you try to assert control over your spouse, it sends a pretty clear message to your spouse that you don't trust them (whether you feel it's actually true or not). Conversely, when you allow each other freedom, it helps to build an atmosphere of trust.

How many of these trust builders are commonplace in your marriage? Are there other trust-building habits you can think of? Leave a comment with your thoughts.

When facing your marriage expectations, it's important to consider where they came from.
Last time we examined how expectations can be helpful or hurtful to your marriage.

But how do you identify good, healthy, helpful expectations as opposed to those that are unreasonable and potentially damaging?

To help you sort out the good, the bad and the ugly, you might just want to look at the sources of your expectations.

Some Not-So-Healthy Sources

Generally speaking the sources below almost always lead to unrealistic expectations:

• TV & Movies - for the most part modern movies convey totally unhelpful depiction of marriage, whether it's mocking the institution itself, denigrating husbands, or promoting promiscuity as harmless and normal. Despite the name, reality TV is not anywhere close to reality, and most of the shows teach us all that love is selfish and about your own personal happiness.
• Porn - it's not real, folks, in any way shape or form. It's dangerous. Just because a particular act is shown in porn doesn't make it wrong (between husband and wife), but at the same time it also doesn't make it normal or typical. Your sexual expectations need to principally be developed from within your relationship. 
• Romance Novels - These are not real either. Though they maybe aren't in the same league with pornography, they hold a similar kind of danger. (I'm not talking about novels that contain an element of romance, but the romance novel genre.) The "romances" portrayed tend to be unrealistic, and a wife shouldn't expect her husband to be like the fictionalized and idealized characters found in the pages of trashy novels.
• Divorced or Struggling Friends and Family - nothing will lower your expectations of your own marriage like hanging around those whose marriage is in rough shape. Not that you should abandon people in tough marriage situations. Just watch that your own expectations are not affected. I know this danger, because it's happened to us.
• Conventional Wisdom - As with most things in the Kingdom, God's idea of how we should do marriage is mostly upside down from what the world proposes. Examples could fill several posts.

A Mixed Bag

These sources can contribute either positively or negatively to your marriage expectations. Tread with caution.

• Your Church - Churches don't always do a great job of instructing on marriage, especially the sexual aspects. Some churches do an excellent job of supporting and building the marriages in their congregations, but others much less so.  
• Your Parents - Probably the marriage you observed the most, besides your own, is the one between your parents, seeing both the good and the bad. Determine to emulate the good and avoid the bad, but don't project your parents' negative behaviors onto your spouse. 
• Marriage Books - Not everyone who gets a publishing contract has the inside track on truth. Of course there are marriage books that are outstanding and extremely helpful. Just consider what you read prayerfully. The one flaw I see in many marriage books is that they advertise quick fixes and simple, universal solutions. The problem with cookie cutter solutions is that there aren't very many cookie cutter marriages.  
• Marriage Bloggers - Though it pains me to say, I've seen some phenomenally bad marriage advice doled out by well-intentioned marriage bloggers. I've no doubt given some myself. I've also seen lots of really excellent stuff. As with books, weigh what you read carefully and prayerfully. It's also dangerous to take a single post and run with it until you've read enough to understand where a particular writer is coming form. To learn more about me, check out my recent Friday Favorite post, What Is The Journey to Surrender. 

Good Sources

• The Bible - Marriage was God's idea, and His is the best marriage perspective around. Expectations that flow from the Word will always be healthy ones. Of course the passages of Scripture about marriage require interpretation and application, and that's why we need...
• The Holy Spirit - God is for marriage in general, but also for your marriage in particular. He longs to partner with you as he leads you into all truth through the Holy Spirit (John 16:13), including helping you have healthy marriage expectations.  
• Love and Grace - Any expectations you have for your marriage that are based on what I call the two bookends of marriage, love and grace, will more than likely produce good fruit in your relationship.

When you stumble across expectation in your marriage or presumptions about your spouse, stop to consider the source. Identifying unhealthy sources just might save you from some painful disappointments in the future.

What other sources of expectations have you found to be consistently helpful or consistently harmful? Leave a comment.

What is this thing called the Journey to Surrender?

A few Fridays a month I'm re-posting some of my most popular posts. Today I'm sharing my recently updated "About" page for all those of you who have been wondering who is this Scott guy and what is this thing called Journey to Surrender.

If you are new here, or even if you've been around a while, read on to find out about me, about why I write this marriage blog, and explore what I believe about marriage.

For all my readers, new and old, I encourage you to leave me a comment introducing yourself and letting me know what marriage topics would be most helpful or interesting to you.  Or if you haven't done so yet, just take my One Minute New Reader Survey.

---

The Journey to Surrender is about exploring, discovering and attaining the fullest potential in Christian marriage. It is an exciting expedition available to every Christian couple willing to travel the biblical path of God’s design for marriage, a path filled with fiery passion, unmatched intimacy and joyous freedom.

I believe that having our hearts awakened to the love a relationship with Jesus is the key to a vibrant, passionate, intimate and enduring relationship between husband and wife. God instituted marriage as a living picture of his passionate pursuit of humankind in general and of you and I in particular. The biblical notion that we are the bride of Christ and He is our Bridegroom is what I and others refer to as the Bridal Paradigm. 


Who Am I?

My name is Scott Means, and I describe myself as a "marriage champion." 

I have been married to my darling wife, Jenni, in excess of 30 years, but I do not claim to have all the answers or to have a perfect marriage. Marriage is a lifelong journey into ever deeper intimacy.  

I have studied a lot about what the Bible says on marriage. I've read extensively what others have to say on the topic, Christian as well as secular sources, as I've passionately pursued understanding of God's intent for marriage. I do not claim to have cornered the market on insight or understanding, but I am excited to see marriages in the church strengthened, renewed and restored to their God-given potential.
I believe we, as believers, have the inside track on marriage, because we have an intimate relationship with the one who created marriage in the first place.

Let me clearly state that I am NOT a professional marriage counselor, NOT a self proclaimed “relationship expert,” NOT a licensed psychologist, and NOT a trained pastor or theologian. 

I simply have a message to share that burns on my heart.  It's a message that I believe also burns on the heart of God.

Why I write

The fact that the failure rate of marriages in the church is not more significantly different than among the population at large saddens me deeply, and I believe God’s heart is equally saddened by the number of failed and struggling marriages, both inside and outside the church. 

I believe strong, enduring and loving marriages are the key to solving so many of society's long-standing, deeply rooted problems.  

Sadly, I also believe that in an effort to gain relevance, the church has often co-opted common cultural perspectives on marriage, rather than relying on biblical instruction. The church has, at least to some extent, lost sight of the fact that at its core marriage is a spiritual relationship, full of mystery and wonder and power.

I write to encourage Christian couples to take a turn off the path of the prevalent cultural marriage paradigm and to take a journey of a different sort - the Journey to Surrender. 

Join me here as we explore how God designed marriage to be from the very beginning.


What I believe

What I believe about marriage is based on my belief that the Bible is the Word of God, that it is true, and that it is the primary way God reveals His truths to us. I’m not a theologian, but what I write here is primarily a result of my ongoing pursuit of what God's Word has to say about marriage. 

You have the chance to agree with heaven's definition of who your spouse is.

By the title, of course, I don't mean whose name appears on your marriage license. I mean do you know who they really are; who God created them to be? Can you see him or her the way  heaven does?

This is a follow up to last week's "Who Are You?" post.

So why spend time discussing identity on a marriage blog? It's because identity is one of those hidden forces that affects your marriage every day. It's foundational.

Your identity affects how you view yourself and others. It affects how you (or how you don't) express and receive love. Believing lies about your identity will hold you back in your marriage, your career, parenting, ministry and every other dimension of your life in which God wishes you to thrive.

Who is Your Spouse?

Yes, it's important to understand who God says you are. It's also really important to understand who God says your spouse is.

Do you look at your spouse as God does? Who is he/she at the core of their being? It's a hugely important question.

Your spouse's identity affects the way you interact with each other on a daily basis.

• What says "I love you" to him or her.
• What are his or her aspirations and dreams?
• What makes him or her feel joy?
• What causes him or her to feel valued and appreciated?

One of the biggest reasons for you to really "get" your spouse's identity is to help him or her fight against "identify fraud." The enemy (sometime referred to in scripture as the accuser) loves to feed us lies about our identity. Your spouse needs your help combating those lies.

Seeking to Change and Control

I'll come right out and say this, because it's important. Identity fraud doesn't just come from the enemy. It can also come from our own spouse.

There is a natural tendency in marriage to try and change or control our spouses so they conform to who we want them to be. We all do it from time to time. Most often this revolves around trying to get our needs met in some way or to get him or her to love us in the way we want to be loved.

We've probably all heard that trying to change your spouse is mostly futile. You can't actually control someone else. You may be successful at manipulating their behavior to suit your expectations and wants for a short time, but in the long term it's just not sustainable, and it isn't love.

More than likely, in truth, trying to control or change our spouses will often produce the very opposite of what we want.

Agreeing with God

Ultimately, your goal should be to agree with the true identity God has placed in your spouse.

I wrote last time about the two kinds of truth we want to agree with. There are those important universal truths that describes our identity in Christ as believers. And then there are the truths about your spouse as an individual. It's important to have an understanding of both.

There's more to tapping into your spouse's identity than just being a careful observer. Sure that can help, but if that is all your rely on, it equates behavior with identity, and we all know that we sometimes act out of an immature expression of our identity. When you know who your spouse really is at the core of their being, you have the opportunity to spur him or her on to walk in their true identity.

Knowing your spouse's true identity is what allows you to have grace toward them when their actions fail to line up with who they really are.

You have the opportunity to be a powerful ally with heaven in reminding your spouse of the truth. 


Can't see the video? Watch it here.

God's idea of who you are is the only one that really matters.

The truth is that we all tend to allow ourselves to be defined by others. It starts when we are young, with our parents and family members. We grow up and start giving others permission to shape the way we see ourselves: teachers, bosses, spouse, friends, sometimes even total strangers.

But who really defines you?

There is only One who can most accurately and completely define you: the One who made you.

God specifically fashioned you into who you are. Your skills and abilities, your quirks, your personality, and all that makes you who you are. He put these in you for a purpose, and He has a great plan for how these can be used for His glory and for your blessing. And, I might add, He really likes you.

Wait, you say, but I have all this stuff in me that I don't like. What about my weaknesses, my flaws and failings? Well, let me assure you  that none of these catch God by surprise. Let me further assure you that when God looks at you, through eyes that know no time, he sees you as he intended you to be in fullness and completeness. He sees past your flaws and failings and into your perfection. 

And He never stops drawing you by the Holy Spirit toward Himself, so that you might discover your true identity.

Finding Out What God Says

If we are going to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and walk in the fullness of who God made us to be, it's really helpful to know how He sees us. His is the only completely valid definition.

Here are two ways to approach our quest to see ourselves as God does.

The first is to understand what the Bible says about all of us as followers of Christ. There are tons of promises that shed light on God's perspective and His deep emotions about you and me.

• We are completely forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)
• We are free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
• We ravish his heart with one glance of our eyes (Song 4:9)
• We are deeply loved (John 17:23)
• We are one with Christ (Ephesians 2:6)

These are just a few of the amazing truths found in God's Word about who we are in Jesus.

When God Speaks About You

The second part of understanding how God sees you is to grasp how He uniquely looks at you and you alone, in addition to the general truths we just mentioned.

The cool thing is that we can ask him to show us! God is a good Father, and He has really awesome and amazing things to say to us about who we are as His children. Have you ever asked him to show you and waited on Him to speak to your heart?

I've never heard the audible voice of the Lord, but there are many other ways in which I have heard him speak.

• The Word - specific passages that the Lord highlights to reveal truths that God wants to emphasize about me.
• Pictures - God has frequently used images in my mind to convey truths to my heart that go beyond words.
• Music and worship - God touches me deeply through music, because he made me a musician, and He has a musical spirit.
• Impressions - The Holy Spirit has imparted feelings and emotions to my heart directly.
• Dreams - I don't dream often, but I have had a few that were clearly from God.
• Visions - similar to dreaming while I'm awake or a moving version of pictures.

Understanding the heart of God toward you may come from one of these, a combination of several ways, or something different altogether. The main thing is to seek and ask and be open to hearing in different ways. Believe that the Father really wants to speak to you, because your identity is hugely important to Him.

Others can also help you understand the heart of God toward you, but use caution. Not everything that people tell you about your identity will necessarily agree with God. Test it. Pray about it, seek confirmation and clarity. Only receive from those whose spiritual discernment you trust.

Your Spouse's Role

Because you and your spouse are one, he or she may know you better than anyone else. However, if they only define you by what they see in the natural, then they are only getting a partial picture.

Your spouse does not get to define who you are. They can agree with what God says about you and support you walking toward that, or they can deny it. But they aren't free to define you outside of what God says about you.

I actually think it's really important for us all to also ask God to show us how He sees our spouse - to earnestly seek revelation. But that's my next post.

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Yes, the headline is intentionally provocative. Stay with me while I explain why you might need to quit trying in your marriage. Trust me, I'm not talking about reaching for the escape hatch. Actually, it is quite the opposite.

I recently listened to a podcast by Michael Hyatt that resonated with me, and I thought I'd share it with you, because it has great implications for marriage.

Michael's suggestion is that we commit to eliminating the word "try" from our vocabulary. You see, the problem with "try" is that it leaves you an easy out, a convenient back door, a ready excuse for not accomplishing something. 

Compare these two statements that a husband might make:

• "I am going to try to love my wife more selflessly."
• "I am going to do whatever it takes to love my wife more selflessly."

If you were a wife, which of these would you rather hear your husband say? The second statement means he is all in; that he won't accept anything less than achieving the goal of becoming more selfless in the way he loves his wife. It represents comittment and determination. The first statement; not so much.

While putting away the word "try" from your discourse, especially where your marriage is concerned, may seem like a semantic game, I think it represents the state of mind you should have when you set goals in your marriage.

Do or Do Not

There is a great scene in the original Star Wars movie that speaks directly to this idea of not trying any more.  In the scene, Yoda, the wise Jedi master, is training Luke, the young and immature Jedi Knight. When Luke fails at a task assigned to him by Yoda, he initially wants to give up. At the master's encouragement, Luke reluctantly says he will try again. At his point Yoda makes his famous statement:

Do or do not, there is no try.

There is power in deciding to go for it. A 100% commitment to a goal creates confidence and inspiration in yourself and others. The truth is that failure is much more likely when you don't have a strong commitment. Settling in  your heart to accomplish something causes you to get creative and to seek alternatives to quitting when the going gets tough.

Tired of Trying?

Some of you may have been in long seasons of trying to improve your marriage. Some of you are tired of trying and tired of waiting for things to get better. Maybe you are in a largely sexless marriage. Maybe you are longing for your spouse to join you on your faith journey. Maybe you lack the emotional intimacy that you know is possible.

Stop believing in impossibility and start believing that in God all things are possible. God is the business of making the impossible possible.

Whatever the desire is, regardless of how long it's been, let me suggest you reset your heart and mind. Here are a few things to do:

1. State the goal in clear, try-free, I-centered terms

Create a statement that demonstrates your commitment to the goal. Include terms like "whatever it takes," "no matter what," or "until I see breakthrough."

Don't set goals for your partner. You have no doubt heard it said that you can't change your spouse. Since you are the only person in your marriage that you have control over, it only makes sense to set goals for yourself. Even goals for your relationship should be slanted toward your part in the outcome.

2. Define what it looks like

Relationship goals can be a bit ambiguous to define. Things like better communication, deeper intimacy and more selflessness are great goals, but they lack clarity and may not lead you to the specific steps you need to take.

So in addition to the goal, go into some detail about what having accomplished the goal would look like. Again, focus on your contribution to the goal and don't put a bunch of expectations on your spouse.

3. Commit it to prayer

Prayer changes things. Regular intercession on behalf of your marriage toward the accomplishment of your goal helps you realize that you are not alone in your pursuits.  Realize that God is for you and for your marriage. Submit your heart's desire to him in prayer, and listen to what he says to you about it. I believe God has divine strategies to impart to you.

4. Take consistent action

Look for every small opportunity to move toward your goal. Small steps, taken consistently, will get you there more reliably than the occasional giant leap. Yes, giant leaps can and do happen, but these are more likely to occur when you are doing the daily business of being faithful to what you committed to.

What do you commit to quite trying on? Leave a comment.



PS  If you want to listen to the original Michael Hyatt podcast for yourself, click this link.

Take small steps every day to positively change the culture of your marriage.

As I said last time, the future course of your marriage will be greatly influenced by its culture. Your marriage culture is defined by the beliefs, values, attitudes, achievements and activities that surround your marriage. I tossed out some questions around these in my last post, hoping to prompt you to give some consideration to your current culture.

The Middle French origin of the word culture comes from "cultivate" and is associated with tending, guarding and tilling. Think of culture of your marriage is like a garden: the way you cultivate the soil of your marriage will determine the health of the fruit and the beauty of the flowers it produces.

Want a healthy, beautiful marriage? Check your culture!

Regardless of where your marriage culture is at this point, below I'll offer three simple ideas that will be a positive influence on it. You might be in a marriage where you feel like you are one making all the effort. I understand that it's a hard place to be, but the truth is that you can influence the culture of your marriage in a positive way without your spouse buying into the need for change. Of course it's better if both of you work on your culture together. Progress will be easier if you are both pulling in the same direction, but you have more power than you think you do.

I'm going to suggest that you do each of these three simple things every day for two weeks. Do them regardless of your spouse's reaction or lack of one.

1)  Do Something Generous

Especially after you've been married a long time, it's easy to fall into a habit of doing things for your spouse and expecting something in return. It's pretty natural, but that's not the kind of generosity I'm suggesting here. Find some small, deliberate act that you know your spouse would appreciate and do it solely with the intention to bless him or her. Do it with a smile and warm heart (they will know if you are doing it reluctantly).

Your act of kindness doesn't have to be anything huge. In fact, it's better and more sustainable if it's not. You know your spouse better than anyone else, so you probably already know how to bless them. Just get intentional about doing the things you know they would appreciate. Brainstorm a little and make a list.

For example, many wives appreciate things like five or ten minutes of focused time together, a date night that you plan, a surprise communication from you (text, email, phone call) during the day "just because" If you know she is worn out (or even if she isn't), give her a or a neck or foot rub, lend a hand with the kids or housework, bring her a cup of tea or glass of wine and insist that she rest, or draw her a bath. Bring her a small gift or treat that lets her know your were thinking of her during the day. Offer to pray with her.

For many husbands, having you initiate sexual intimacy is high on their list. If that feels like too much for where you are, try just wearing an outfit you know he likes or his favorite scent. Non-sexual touch, like holding hands, sitting close, or a back rub are things like that say to him "I love you, and I care about you our physical closeness." Learn to flirt a little. Give him a warm greeting when he comes home. Even if you can't always follow through, showing your husband this kind of attention will go a long way.

Do something that shows respect, which is a key need for most husbands. If you tend to be strongly opinionated about things, try letting him take the lead on something without resistance, maybe even ask him to. If you ask him for help with something, thank him for his efforts and do not criticize him.

The words you use are important. Your tongue is a powerful weapon for good or bad; wield it carefully and intentionally to bless and encourage. 

2) Say Something Kind

I did a survey a while back where I asked husbands and wives what their one most important need was and what having that need met would look like. Many of the answers I got really came down to wanting to have words of kindness sincerely expressed to them from their spouses. The desire for appreciation and affirmation came through loud and clear as unmet needs for both men and women, although they tended to express it somewhat differently.

For men, being appreciated for the work they do for the family was important (not that the same isn't important for women, it just tends to be more part of the male identity). Ask him about his job, and be interested and supportive. Feeling regularly criticized was painful for many of the men who took my survey. So during these two weeks, avoid criticism and instead find things to thank and praise your husband for. Thank him for things he does. Tell him something you love about him. Admire him for who he is.

Wives tended to want similar kindness from their husbands. Whereas for husband such needs were expressed as part of feeling respected and trusted, for wives it tended to be seen as part of feeling cared for and to a lesser extend appreciated. Kind words of tenderness mean more when accompanied by things like eye contact, a smile, a hug or other kind physical gesture. Thank your wife for all she does for you and the family, but also tell her you what you love about her. Admire her for who she is.

Regularly practicing kind words and gestures will do more to change the culture of your marriage than anything else.

3)  Ask A Sincere Question

When relationships get stuck on autopilot, one of the things that goes is engaging and meaningful conversation. Topics tend toward the functional and not so much the relational, emotional and spiritual.

So come up with a list of engaging questions for your spouse. Be sure these are things you really do want to talk about, though. Your spouse will spot insincerity, and that could do more harm than good. Here are some good open ended conversation-starting questions of the type I"m talking about:

• What is the one country you want to visit more than any other and why?
• What was the best part of your day today? What was the worst part?
• What did you think of the sermon on Sunday?
• What is happening (or what are you learning) in the book you are reading now?
• What is something that is concerning you that I can pray for you about?
• What is one thing I could do that would say "I love you" to you?

The idea here is to engage the emotions and the spirit and not just the mind.


There are few guarantees when it comes to human relationships, but I sincerely believe you will see your marriage begin to shift slightly toward a more positive culture if you do these three things consistently. The point is not that you have to be 100% every day. The point is to do most of these on most days. Then watch what happens. You'll be surprised at the noticeable shift.

What do you think of my three daily culture changing ideas? What others might you add? Chime in with a comment.

Is the culture in your marriage giving you the kind of marriage you want?

Over the next two posts we are going to be exploring culture. No, not what's happening in society, but rather I'll be encouraging you to take a closer look at the culture that exists within your marriage.

Why is your marriage's culture important? Allow me to borrow a few phrases from the business improvement book, Change the Culture, Change the Game, by Roger Connor and Tom Smith.

Every organization [marriage] has a culture, which either works for you or against you.

Either you manage the culture or it will manage you.

The culture of your marriage will largely determine the future course of your relationship with your spouse.

In a post I did a few years ago, What is the Culture of Your Marriage?, I made the claim that "a pound of culture is worth 10 pounds of strategy." What I meant by that is that if you get the culture right, strategy becomes less critical. The truth is that your actions and words tend to line up more with your culture than with your strategy, plans and intentions.

Your marriage has the culture you and your spouse let happen. You either shaped it intentionally toward what you wanted it to be or it defaulted to something else. Obviously it's better to purposefully craft your culture, but to do that it's helpful to first understand where you are.

Below are five questions that will give you insight into the culture that surrounds your marriage:

1) What do you believe about your marriage? 

Connor says in his book that transformational change doesn't happen until you change what you believe. It's true in business. It's true in your faith walk. And it's true in your marriage.

So what do you believe?

Do you still believe in the vows your made on your wedding day? Believe it or not, they become more important the longer you are married. Do you believe that marriage is a convenient social institution or do you understand it to be a holy union personally designed by God to be reflection of his love relationship with us?

Do you believe your marriage is primarily for what you get out of it, or do you understand that it's about more than your personal happiness?

Do you buy the lie of inevitable marital decline, that all marriage devolve into roommate status? Do you believe that you can have as much intimacy as you desire and that there is always more available to you than what you are walking in right now?

Changing your actions without changing your belief system is unsustainable. As Connor explains, belief is the difference between investment and mere involvement.

 2)  What do you and your spouse value most?

What is most important to you? Family? Faith? Finances? How do your value priorities differ from those of your spouse?

When a couple has differing value priorities, it inevitably creates stress and tension in the marriage. How do you navigate these differences? Do you have a culture of honor, where you respect what is important to your spouse even when it is not something you care that much about? Does your spouse do the same for you?

3) What is your attitude toward your marriage and your spouse?

Attitude is the way you express and apply your beliefs and values.

What would people say about your marriage by observing your behavior? Do you act in a manner consistent with your values and beliefs?

Do you maintain an attitude of grace when your spouse seems to act in a way that is our of character makes a misstep? Or do you hold onto resentments and let them build up to an eventual explosion?

4) How do you steward your marriage?

How do you spend your time, money and energy? These say a lot about your actual values, perhaps despite what you say is important. We all struggle getting priorities right sometimes, but on balance, your marriage needs to be the second most important relationship in your life next to Jesus. Your spouse and God are the only two beings you have a covenant relationship with. Do you treat them that way?

What activities characterize your marriage? Do you still date each other? Do you still pursue each other? Do you have shared interests?

5) What is the main goal of your marriage?

This is a critical question that many couples never bother to ask of each other. Not having a common understanding of the main goal of your marriage means you are likely never to attain it. You may even be heading in the opposite direction.

In my post Is Happiness the Right Goal in Marriage I proposed some possible goals for your marriage: selfless surrender, oneness, reaching your full potential, having joy and peace, or holiness. In What If Intimacy Matters Most? I explained my belief that intimacy is actually the most important goal of marriage. Do you agree?

Having a common goal or set of goals for your marriage can greatly impact its culture.


It isn't my intent to judge  your answers to these questions. I ask them to encourage you to take stock for yourself and see if the culture in your marriage is getting you the kind of marriage you want.

Next time we'll look at three simple ways to help shift the culture of your marriage in a  positive direction.

Until then, I challenge you to reduce all this to three words that best describe the culture of your marriage. It's a worthwhile exercise.  If you feel bold, leave your three word answer in a comment.

---

Wives Only: The men's ministry of my church is having a conference in September. Ahead of that we are taking a survey about what is important to wives. Will you help us out and take two minutes to complete the quick survey?

Transformational change doesn't happen until you change the way you think.

We are focusing on hope in marriage as part of my "Faith, Hope and Love" series.  In my last post we looked at how hope is more than mere wishful thinking.

True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

But how do we get from the wishful thinking kind of hope to the confident expectation kind of hope?

Getting a hold of true hope starts with changing how you think.

What You Think Matters

Here is an important fact about why what you think makes a big difference. Your brain tends to automatically filter and discount anything that doesn't line up with what you believe.

• When you believe that your marriage is hopeless, it won't matter what your spouse does, you are going to see everything through the filter of hopelessness.
• If you believe your spouse will never change, you will automatically discount any effort they make toward positive change.
• If you believe your spouse is completely selfish, any selfless act will be met with skepticism and accusation about their motivation
• If you believe God doesn't care about your marriage, you will miss seeing the hand of God move on behalf of your marriage.
• If you believe you will never have the kind of intimacy you desire, you will miss every opportunity for you and your spouse to move closer to each other.

It is also true that when you chose to believe good things about your spouse and your marriage, you are much more likely to see them when they happen. You see, our brains also have a tendency to identify things that do line up with our belief system.

Start Simply

My daughter was recently going through a hard time, battling pain and hopelessness over a difficult circumstance. In processing things in prayer, the Lord revealed to her the only two questions she was to focus on in this troubled season.

1. Do you believe I am good?
2. Do you believe I am for you?

We (okay I) can have tendency to complicate things. Truthfully, it is much better for us to grab tightly to a few essential truths rather than to grapple loosely with dozens of truths.

So when you are trying to change the way you think, pick one or two areas where you sense that your thinking isn't in line with the truth. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light of truth into your heart. He will. God is a good Father. He longs to impart hopeful truth to your heart.

If you aren't comfortable listening to the Holy Spirit, or don't believe you can hear from God, start with the two truths my daughter was challenged to focus on:

1. God is good and only has good intentions toward you
2. God is for you and for your marriage

Don't Settle For Less Than Fullness

Maybe you don't have a general sense of hopeless about your marriage, but there may be specific areas of your relationship where you have set aside hope, where you have settled for less than fullness in your marriage.  A lackluster or non-existent sex life, financial struggles, in-law troubles, health issues, or lack of emotional intimacy.

Wherever there is hopelessness in your life and marriage, God wants to restore hope. I strongly encourage you to find a few simple truths that you can press fully into in a way that you start to change the way you think.

I recently came across a short video that beautifully expresses what it means to hope in God.  Here are a few quotes:

• There are no hopeless circumstances only hopeless people. 
• God always partners with someone who has hope.
• The people who made a difference in the Bible were unreasonably optimistic.

You'll find the video of this very encouraging little three minute message on my Facebook page. Be sure to like my page while you are there!

True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

Today we move from Faith to Hope, the second part of the trilogy of 1 Corinthians 13:13

Now faith, Hope and love abide, these three, but the greatest is love.

(In case you missed them, here are my first two posts in this series: "Faith in Your Spouse" and "Faith In Your Marriage.")

Faith and hope are inextricably linked. Faith gives legs to our hopes.

Here is how faith and hope are linked Hebrews:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1 NIV

What is Hope?

Sometimes we cheapen hope by equating it with wishful thinking. "I hope it doesn't rain today." Even a nice sentiment such as "I hope my marriage gets back on track" doesn't really ring with the kind of hope we have in God.

Hope, as we understand it from a biblical perspective, is altogether different than wishful thinking. True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

When we lose hope, it's usually because we don't really trust in the goodness and faithfulness of God. When circumstances press against us and our reality doesn't appear to line up with the truth of who God is, hope can be elusive.

When we lose hope, we begin to doubt.  Does God really have my back? Does God actually work all things for good? Is it true that He will never leave us of forsake us? When we lose hope it makes us heartsick (Prov 13:12).

Never is this heartsickness more true than when you lose hope in your marriage.

Restoring Hope in Your Marriage

As I alluded to in my recent post "Renew Your Dreams", there are no magic formulas for restoring lost hope in your marriage. Whatever has led you to such a dark and despondent place is more than likely a path filled with hurt, disappointment and strife, maybe over many years.

As justified as you might be to feel as you do, I implore you not to remain stuck in hopelessness. Don't resign yourself to live in the marriage you have today. And please, please don't head for the exit!

We have this promise from Romans:

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:5

The strength you need to sustain your marriage in hard times is found in the love of God, poured into your heart by the empowering work of the Holy Spirit.  Paul Miller, in his book A Praying Life, describes his own battle with hopelessness, which he describes as cynicism, this way:

"Both the child and the cynic walk through the valley of the shadow of death. The cynic focuses on the darkness; the child focuses on the Shepherd. Cynicism feels more like bondage to me now. Jesus sets me free to love by showing me the dark, self-serving agenda I cling to in my cynicism. I am well aware that the journey is far from over, but I am learning to live in hope. I just need more practice. The Shepherd’s presence in the dark valley is so immediate, so powerful, that cynicism simply vanishes. There is no room for an ironic disengagement when you are fighting for your life. As you cling to the Shepherd, the fog of cynicism lifts."

Cling to the Shepherd

If you feel your marriage on its deathbed, or in "in the valley of the shadow of death" as Psalm 23 describes it, fix your eyes on the Good Shepherd. He has a table set before you in this very season.

I love how beautifully The Passion Translation casts fresh, life-giving light on the very familiar 23rd Psalm.

1  The Lord is my Fierce Protector and my Pastor.
    I always have more than enough.
2  He offers a resting place for me In his luxurious love.
    His tracks take me to an oasis of peace,
    The quiet brook of bliss.
3  That’s where he restores and revives my life.
    He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure,
    And leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness,
    So that I can bring honor to his name.
4  Lord, even when your path takes me through
    The valley of deepest darkness
    Fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
    You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
    Your authority is my strength and my peace.
    The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
    I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
5  You become my delicious feast
    Even when my enemies dare to fight.
    You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
    You give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
6  So why would I fear the future?
    For I’m being pursued only by Your goodness and unfailing love.
    Then afterwards— when my life is through,
    I’ll return to your glorious presence
    To be forever with you.
(Psalm 23 TPT)

As we'll explore next time, restoring hope starts with changing your thinking. If you are in a season of struggle, I encourage you to read this Psalm every day. Wash your mind with the truth of it. Pause after each phrase and let your mind and spirit absorb the truth of it.

Just as faith is important in your walk with God, it's also important in your marriage.

Yeah, it's that whole bridal paradigm spiritual/marital thing again.

Faith is obviously a critical component of our life in God. But did you know that faith is also critical to the life of your marriage?

Springing off my last post, "Renew Your Dreams," I'm  starting a series today entitled "Faith, Hope and Love" in which I'll be covering each of these three topics in the coming weeks.

So let's get started with faith!

Faith in God

Our faith journey in God begins when we choose to believe in Jesus and in what he did for us at the cross. But of course that is just the start of our amazing lifelong adventure in God. Faith goes way beyond our initial salvation.

The Bible describes faith this way:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

At its core, faith is about what we really believe in our hearts, even when the evidence runs contrary to the truths we profess to hold.

Faith requires knowing. For example, faith in the love of God, when it doesn't "feel" present, requires knowing who God is, knowing that his very nature is love. That's why Paul implores us in Ephesians 3 to get to know this unknowable love of God. He goes on to say that it is the key to fullness in our faith journey.

Knowing God's love, really knowing it, carries you through when you aren't feeling it.

Faith in Your Spouse

Admittedly, sometimes faith is a struggle, even when it comes to faith in a perfect and unchangeable God.

Faith in your fallible spouse, who isn't necessarily always walking in full maturity of their identity in Christ, is even more difficult. And the larger the gap between their behavior and who God says they really are, the more we will struggle to see and believe in the "real" person inside.

This brings me to the key scripture upon which we base this series.The context is Paul's familiar and detailed description of what love looks like. Then he concludes by describing what "mature" love looks like.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13:11-13 NKJV

Matthew Henry notes in his commentary that faith is primarily expressed towards God. Hope, on the other hand is on behalf of ourselves.  Love, he says, is expressed mostly in loving others.

I agree that faith is firstly a spiritual matter, but as with most spiritual principles, I believe there is a marital equivalent.

What you believe about who your spouse is at their core - the way God sees them - matters a lot. Faith is important in your relationship with your spouse, because if you don't know who your husband or wife truly is, how can you partner with him or her in reaching their destiny in God?

Jenni and I have recently started watching the series Friday Night Lights. There is a great scene of marital faith in the second show of the first season. Without going into too much detail, the coach of the football team is despondent because his star quarterback, on whom a championship season had largely rested, is injured and out of the picture. The second string quarterback is wholly unprepared for the responsibility that suddenly falls to him.

The dejected coach says to his wife, in essence, "I can't do this. There is no way I can bring this kid up to speed in time." His wife calmly yet adamantly encourages him that yes, indeed he can do this. "It's who you are.  It's what you do." She reminds him of what he's done in the past. With her encouragement, rather than giving up and admitting defeat, he takes on the challenge. Without giving you a spoiler, I'll just say that the new kid makes incredible progress in an amazingly short time thanks to the way the coach pours himself into the young QB.

Your belief in your spouse has great power to call him or her back to their destiny.

I'll close this post with some questions to ponder regarding faith in your spouse:

• Have you asked God to give you divine insight into who your husband or wife truly is - as God sees them?
• Do you have faith enough in your spouse to extend grace to the them when their actions don't line up with who you know they truly are?
• Are you able to remind your spouse who they are when he or she is unable to see it for themselves?
• Do the words you speak to your spouse line up more with who God says they are or with their latest misstep?

What does faith in your spouse mean to you? How does it work it's way into your marriage? I'd love to hear. Leave a comment below.

---

Next time:  Part 2 - Faith in Your Marriage