Journey to Surrender

A letter to my daughter on her wedding day - five keys to a great marriage.
In just a few days my middle daughter, Lisa, is getting married. She and Otto are a wonderful match, and Jenni and I could not be more excited for their future.

Lisa has no doubt received all kinds of marriage advice from many people, but as her father and a champion of strong marriages I wanted to offer my own thoughts. I've struggled to condense down all I've written and read about marriage over the years to identify the essential keys that lead to an intimate, passionate and enduring marriage.

Here's what I came up with.

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Dearest Lisa,

The big day is approaching quickly! Amidst all the excitement and celebration I wanted to take a moment to share a few thoughts with you as you and Otto begin your marriage journey together. What follows is not a comprehensive list, but if you get these things right, it will go a long way to ensure you have a happy, healthy, intimate, passionate and enduring marriage.

1) Learn What Says "I Love You"

You and Otto have gotten to know each other pretty well through your dating years, but there is so much more you'll discover as you become one in marriage. The most important thing for each of you to learn is what says "I love you" to the other. Trust me when I say that each of you will likely answer this question very differently. You may not "get" each other's love needs, especially at first, but you don't have to get them to do them.

It's important to revisit this question regularly. You'll want to be students of one another. It's important to keep asking, especially in seasons of change or stress, "How can I best show you how much I love you?"

For this to work, you'll both need to be transparent with your needs. Not in a demanding or selfish way, but in a way that helps each of you to love the other well.

2) Show Love Daily

Do something every day to communicate your love for each other. Be intentional about speaking and demonstrating love in ways that matter to the other. These don't need to be grand or dramatic gestures. Small love expressions, given daily, will do more to sustain your marriage than big ones that only happen infrequently.

This means being intentional and watchful. It means keeping your marriage off of auto-pilot. Keep your eyes wide open and your hearts wide awake toward each other.

3) Practice Selflessness and Generosity

One amazing aspect of the two of you becoming one is that any time you bless the other, you also get to share in the benefit of that blessing. Learn to take delight in delighting each other with your love. Practice generosity and selflessness.

Give your love without condition and without the expectation of getting something in return. This is God's kind of love. Practice giving love for love's sake and for the sake of your marriage, rather than what you may get in return. But you will find that when you do this, the blessing does flow back to you.

4) Manage Your Expectations

It's likely that you both carry many expectations into your marriage. For the most part it's best to hold those expectations loosely. But there are two expectations that I encourage you to hold to steadfastly.

First is the expectation that this is a lifelong covenant you have together. It's hard to imagine now, but there will likely be times ahead when you will need to be tenacious about this commitment you've made to each other.

Second, always believe and expect that the best days of your marriage are ahead of you. Regardless of how good (or how bad) things are, there is always more ahead. Deeper intimacy, more to know about each other, a stronger bond of trust, and grand new adventures are in front of you.

5) Pray

Always believe that God is for your marriage. He loves love. He is love. Press into him in prayer, both separately and together, for all you need to sustain and grow your marriage is found in him. Prayer for your marriage is a prayer he is eager to answer. And pray for each other, that you will walk in your true identities and that you will each fulfill your destiny in Christ.


There you have it. My short list of the essentials for a successful marriage. Just remember that, in the end, success in marriage isn't about how many things you did right or wrong, but the level of intimacy (emotional, spiritual and physical) you share, because intimacy should be the ultimate goal of every marriage.

I Love You,
Daddy

• Do you spend time along together every day? It doesn’t have to be a long time, even ten minutes of one-on-one is helpful, but it should be daily.
• What do you talk about when you have time alone with each other? Is it mostly functional, or do dig into the heart of things?
• Do you sometimes talk about your marriage?
• Do you regularly take some of you time together to pray or talk about spiritual things?
• Do you every take time to dream together?
• How often do you get alone time away from home, like a regular or semi-regular date night? Do you make the effort to get out twice a month? Does one of you always have to do the planning for your dates or do you share the responsibility?
• When was the last time you went away together over night? I’m telling you, there is something different about sex when there is a number on the door.

• Do you expect the best of each other? Do you give the benefit of the doubt?
• When offenses occur, are you able to forgive and forget, quickly and completely?
• Do you hold past mistakes over each other or pull them out as weapons in a fight?
• Are you able to love your spouse “as if,” meaning are you able to see past their shortcomings and mistakes and into the heart of who they really are?

• Laughter
• A glowing smile when we meet
• Two hearts beating as one
• Kindness
• Easy with one another

PPS By an overwhelming margin, communication was mentioned the most. 

Priorities

1. The best thing you can do for your kids is to have a strong marriage. Showing your kids what respect and sacrificial love look like will bear fruit into multiple generations.
2. You and your spouse are one; you and your children are not. Your marriage relationship is based on a unique kind of covenant. Don’t make the mistake of relegating it to equal status with any other relationship, including the one with your kids.

Consistently prioritizing your children ahead of your marriage, however well-intentioned, is a significant reason so many couples facing the “empty nest” season suddenly find themselves rooming with a stranger.

• Financially – budgeting, planning, managing money, setting goals
• Spiritually – praying with and for your wife and family, attending church together, talking about what God is doing
• Sexually – yes there are men that need to hear this
• Parentally – guiding and instructing the kids, discipline, spending time with them, giving your wife time off
• Practically – helping out with the house, yard, dishes, cooking, laundry
• Recreationally – planning vacations, fun activities with the family, movies, sports
• Emotionally – being available and interested in your wife’s life, emotionally supportive, being a friend
• Romantically – non-sexual touch, sweet notes and love letters, hold hands, date nights

If you have adopted children or are planning to adopt some day, I want to encourage you to attend Hope at  Home 2012, being held in Atlanta October 5-6.  This is a very different kind of adoption conference focused on equipping and refreshing parents in their calling to adopt or provide foster care.

Importantly, the conference includes encouragement for marriages as well, a somewhat unique emphasis among adoption conferences. We know that adopting and foster care can create some tremendous strain on marriages, and our belief is that a keeping your marriage strong is the best thing you can do for your children, adopted or not.  My wife and I, as well as Brad and Kate Aldrich from One Flesh Marriage will be speaking into marriages during the conference.

You can get more information on the many excellent breakout sessions here, and you can register or get more details about the conference here.

Please pass the information along to any adoptive families in your life!!

A Facebook ad recently caught my eye. Next to a picture of a broken heart were these words: “Divorced? Get your wife back. It’s easy, just follow the video instructions.” Of course the link was to one of the many sites/products promising instant and easy “marriage miracles.”

You have probably heard or seen other similar ads: lose weight without changing your eating habits, get out of debt without reducing your lifestyle, get a sculpted body in five minutes a day, win the lottery, get rich quick.

Everybody is offering easy, pain-free fixes for the worst of life’s problems.


Something-for-nothing promises are everywhere. Some would say they play on our hopes and optimism. Others would say they play on our laziness and sense of entitlement. It’s probably some of both.

Don’t be fooled by the hype! Building an intimate, passionate, enduring marriage takes effort. It will cost you, and it will require you to make sacrifices. Sometimes you‘ll have to lay down your rights for the sake of your relationship. A great marriage requires you to be diligent and attentive to your spouse, to be purposeful in how you do your marriage.

When it comes to marriage, as for so many other important things in your life, you get out of it what you put into it.  It's a little like the spiritual principle of "you reap what you sow."

No it’s not easy, but it is so very worth it!


What are the long-term benefits of investing consistently in your marriage?

In a 2009 study published by the American Psychological Association, author Bianca Acevedo explains that long-term marriages that are able to maintain intensity, engagement and sexual interest are associated with overall well-being and high self-esteem, in addition to marital satisfaction.

In short, a good marriage is good for you!

According to the APA study, the key to keeping that romance alive is simple: hard work. No, simple is not the same as easy.  “Research has suggested these couples spend time and really care about the relationship; they seem to be able to resolve conflicts relatively smoothly,” said Acevedo.


There’s a popular misconception that long-term marriage is a path to inevitable decline in passion and intimacy. There’s a belief that the fiery love of early marriage fades eventually into a safer, more comfortable kind of relationship. I call it the “roommate syndrome.” Don’t believe it.

The same APA study quoted above challenges the roommate syndrome. By examining a number of prior marriage studies, they found significant evidence that what they referred to as romantic love (consisting of intensity, engagement and sexual interest) can be maintained for the long haul. They challenge the assumption that romantic love cannot endure, and point to this prevalent notion as being to blame for so many “status quo” relationships. "It's to be expected."

Some couples are satisfied with barely avoiding divorce “for the sake of the kids.” But how much better would it be for the kids to see their parents passionately, demonstrably in love? We are seeing what happens to married roommates once the kids are gone by way of the recent significant increase in divorce rates among empty nesters.

Could a culture chock-full of vibrant marriages reverse the widespread societal discouragement over marriage, with its accompanying decline in the marriage rate and dramatic increase in cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births? 

I think so.  Do you?

Did you know that Journey to Surrender has a Facebook page! It’s got lots of extra  marriage-related stuff like videos, links, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. Come on over and let’s meet up!

I’ve been traveling lately and swamped with many other things that have prevented me from posting, but I wanted to share with you a post by my blogger friends Brad and Kate at One Flesh Marriage. The post, “One Child in Heaven,”  is a touching story of grievous loss and remarkable recovery as told by their pastors.

I encourage you to click on over and read this incredible story.

Meanwhile, I hope to be back to a regular posting schedule soon.

Most families go through times of stress. For families who chose to grow their families through adoption, that stress can come in many forms and be a long lasting source of struggle and contention.

Our friends Beth and Stephen Templeton run a ministry and blog called Hope at Home, which is “dedicated to help adoptive and foster parents encounter the Father’s heart for their families, partnering with God to transform orphans into sons and daughters.“

Today on their blog I have a guest post on the importance of maintaining marital intimacy in times of stress. Most adoptions ministries focus heavily on healing and building the parent-child relationship, but not many address the important topic of maintaining your marriage in the midst of the stress of adoption. But the truth is that the best thing you can do for your children is to have a strong, thriving marriage.

Since my wife and I have not experienced adoption, I asked our marriage blogger friends Brad and Kate Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage to give me some insight on their own adoption experience. I think you’ll find their insights and experience helpful, so I encourage you to check it out.

One other thing to bring your attention to: Hope at Home is sponsoring a two day conference,  September 23-24, to refresh and equip adoptive parents. If you have adopted children I encourage you to make your way to Atlanta for the conference.

And if you know some other adoptive families who could benefit from some encouragement, click on the envelope icon at the bottom of this post and email the this article to let them know about the Hope at Home Blog.  I'd appreciate it if you would post this on Facebook or Tweet it using the buttons below.  And if you know an adoptive couple able to travel to Atlanta for the conference, encourage them to do so!

Finally, as long as we are talking stress and the toll it takes on intimacy, please take a second to let me know what things have created the most significant of stress in your own marriage by completing the poll question below.

Email/RSS readers:  here's a direct link to the poll:  

Back in my post about the importance of getting away together for time away from the kiddies, I spoke of how important it is for your kids that you invest in and protect your marriage. I was struck again this week by how important our marriages are to our kids. Sure a strong marriage creates a healthy home environment, but I also believe that the way we live out our marriages in front of our children will have generational impact that reaches far beyond the here and now.

The skills we learn in the microcosm of marriage are really life skills that we have the opportunity to demonstrate for our kids. For example, learning gracious submission to authority is something that will come in handy for our children as an employee, as a student, and as a future spouse. Learning to deny one’s self for the sake of another will not only help them in their future marriages, but also in other relationships. Learning to disagree but maintain honor, to serve and respect other people, to give generously and to live genuinely all are skills for a fruitful and meaningful life.

Most important of all, because marriage is designed to be a reflection of the relationship between Jesus (our bridegroom) and us (his bride), what we most demonstrate in a healthy marriage is a vibrant, thriving love relationship with the Lord.

Please hear my heart on this. I’m not writing this to heap guilt upon you or to make you feel even worse when your marriage is struggling. I know I have given my kids plenty of examples of what marriage should NOT be like in the many years they’ve been watching me and Jenni.

My purpose for this post is really two fold. First, I want to just remind you that your children are learning from you whether you intend for them to be or not. Just be aware of that fact, and let it serve as an additional inspiration to make your marriage great. Second, I want to encourage you to parent into situations where you’ve acted toward your spouse in front of your children in a way that runs counter to how you know you should act.

Let them see the apology as well as the ill temper. Let them see the make-up affection as well as the disagreement and subsequent withdrawal. Talk with them plainly about what you did and how you wish you’d have done it differently (in a way that is age-appropriate, of course). Let them learn along with you.

Ask yourself what your marriage is teaching your children, not only about marriage, but other important life skills. Are there some I have missed that you’d like to add to my list?

I don’t focus much on children in my blog, but truthfully, for couples with children, it’s impossible to ignore the significant impact that your children have on your marriage (and vice-versa). Last week I posted about the importance of getting away from your kids for some serious alone time. This week, as part of my Man Up Monday series, I want to talk specifically about the critical role of fathers.

From my observations I would say there are two primary areas where men tend to disengage and turn the reigns of leadership and responsibility over to their wives. One is in spiritual matters (I did a Man-up Monday post on that back here). The other is in child rearing, my subject for today.

Shifting Societal Attitudes

Though I think the attitude that “child-rearing is women’s work” is less prevalent today than it has been in the past, men who refuse to take a significant and appropriate role in their children’s lives do so to the peril of their family. I believe that fatherlessness is epidemic in our society and contributes significantly to many of the social and economic ills we face today. I quoted a while back that research indicates that 40%of children born in the US in 2008 were born out of wedlock. That number is stunning, and it is creating an entire generation with an orphan spirit.

There are many fatherhood issues I could choose to focus on, but I’ll narrow it to three for today.

The Father Heart of God

I focus rather heavily here on the bridegroom aspect of God’s nature found in Jesus as it relates to marriage. But the father-heart of God is an equally important dimension of God’s nature. I believe that when we begin to get a personal revelation of this fabulous dimension of God it can really propel our earthly fatherhood role to new heights. It is also true that relating rightly to your children, as a reflection of our heavenly father, can greatly increase their understanding of who God is and how he feels about them. (That is not to say that kids cannot overcome negative father images by divine revelation.)

A Different Perspective

I believe fathers and mothers bring something different to the parenting partnership and that it is important to have both. Jennifer Anniston’s recent pronouncement that “women don’t need a man to have children” notwithstanding, the truth is that fathers play a critical role in the healthy development of children, a fact which I believe is born out by much research. The difference in contributions to parenting became evident this past weekend when my wife and I flew together across the country to drop our middle daughter off at school. Jenni (my wife) was focused on nurturing my daughter, her safety, and her emotional well-being, while I was focused more on practical and logistical matters. My daughter needed both.

Your Involvement Speaks Volumes

Lastly, your involvement in your children’s lives speaks volumes to your wife about your love for her. It tells your wife that you place a priority on this critically important aspect of her life. Your gift of time with your kids not only gives your wife a much-needed break from the stress of child-rearing, but tells her that you share in her burden to see that your children are well cared for.

So let me encourage you to go a step further than you‘ve gone before in fathering your kids. Love them, discipline them, spend time with them, instruct them, and encourage them. Father them.

Be an active partner with your wife in the raising of your children and help her launch them into their destiny.