Journey to Surrender

When it comes to PDA, the real question is "How much is enough?"

I'm a member of Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, and this month CMBA is sponsoring a blog challenge based on this picture by Kate Aldrich Photography (titles added by me).
Kate and her husband Brad, blog at One Flesh Marriage.

I'm a little late to the party with this post, and my take on the photo is somewhat different than my fellow CMBA bloggers (check out the list of other challenge posts in the comments on this CMBA Newsletter post).

My immediate thought upon seeing the challenge photo went to public displays of affection, or PDA.

I realize there are cultural and contextual limits to PDA, but I personally err on the side of more not less. Let me explain.

Proclaim Your Love

I appreciate couples who are willing to show the world that they are happily married, still in love and show affection for each other. No, I don't want to see a public make-out session or blatant groping, but I see a whole lot more of the other extreme: couples who practically act like strangers in public.

What I like about this photo is the way this couple obviously has affection toward each other. Although their actions are moderated by the umbrella, their love shines through.

Publicly showing affection for your spouse not only demonstrates your love, but it is a great declaration in support of marriage in general. "Marriage rocks! And I'm not afraid to show it!"

Below you'll find 15 ways to give the world a glimpse of your affection for each other.

Affection Doesn't Mean Indecent

Of course your spouse needs to be comfortable with whatever form of PDA you engage in, but there are plenty of ways ways to show affection without being indecent or inappropriate. For example:

• 1 - Hold hands while you walk through your neighborhood
• 2 - Kiss hello and goodbye regardless of where you are
• 3 - Put your arm around your wife in church
• 4 - Lean your head on your husband's shoulder in the theater while waiting for the movie to start
• 5 - Rest your hand on your spouse's knee while sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant (Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Tripplehorn, it is very much a married move).

I don't know of anyone who would find such actions offensive.

Non-Physical PDA

There are also tons of ways to show affection that don't involve physical contact. Here are just a few:

• 6 - Open your wife's car door for her. (Take her hand to help her from the car)
• 7 - Speak kindly (even brag) about your spouse to your friends and family
• 8 - Bring your spouse a cup of tea or coffee at the church coffee hour
• 9 - Send flowers to your wife at work

Public Secret

When you are away from home, there are other ways to show affection for each other that are for your eyes/ears only. Such acts of love add a sense of spice and adventure to your relationship while you are out and about. Some secrets that only the two of you will know:

• 10 - Make eye contact with each other and smile warmly across a crowded room. Give an air kiss.
• 11 - Let your husband know that you are wearing something special for him under your clothes (or that you aren't wearing anything!)
• 12 - Whisper something romantic in your wife's ear
• 13 - Steal a long, passionate kiss in a private hallway or dark parking lot
• 14 - Write a slightly racy text message about your plans for the evening. (You can make it racier if you have a private, secure messaging app like Couple or Avacado.)
• 15 - Leave a note where only your spouse will find it (wallet, purse, briefcase, etc). It can range from sweet to sexy.

What's your take on couples showing affection for each other in public? Would you like to see more of it in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

It's not too late to plan something special for Valentines Day! 

At my house we usually do it up big time, but, alas, this year my valentine is half way around the world on a ministry trip. All I could manage was a card and a small box of chocolates in her suitcase.

I know not every couple celebrates Valentines Day, but if you are wanting to celebrate the "day of love" but still don't have a plan, don't worry. I'm here to help you out with links to 20 different posts full of fabulous romantic ideas.

You're not the romantic type, you say? Bah. It's really not that hard. Just read below and get on the ball!

My Best Romantic Valentines Day Ideas

Here a few of my best romantic ideas, personally tested by yours truly and guaranteed to be a hit.

The Numbers Game - What do you love about your husband or wife? Here's your chance to say them all in a fun and creative way. Write down all the reasons you love your spouse, as many as you can think of,  and spend the entire day revealing them all to him or her.  I share specific creative ways to do this!

Romantic Balloon Pop - A really fun one! Think up a dozen little  fun/romantic activities,  love-coupons, or little gifts. Blow up a dozen red, pink and white balloons and put each item, or something representing it, or a clue to where it is hidden inside the balloon. Have your spouse pick a balloon and pop it! You can pop them all at once or spread the fun throughout the day!

Homemade Luxury Spa - No money for a spa gift certificate? No worries. Create your own in-home spa experience! I tell you how. It's not as hard as you might think, and definitely more fun and intimate than any gift certificate!

Romantic Surprise Getaway - No, this one's not for the faint of heart. My lovely wife describes a romantic surprise getaway I planned for her not long ago. This kind of thing can be rather involved, but it's well worth the time and effort, believe me!

You can always search my blog for more romantic ideas.

Love Coupons, Posters and More

Printable cards and coupons are a quick and easy way to say, "I love you." Many of these can be customized for the love of your life.

Printable Candygram Posters from the Dating Divas

Printable Valentine's Day Cards with Bible Verses from Time Warp Wife

Printable Love Coupons from The Marriage Bed

Fill-in-the-Blank Valentine’s Love Notes from the Dating Divas

More Lists and Ideas

Here is a list of lists, full of ideas too numerous to count.

14 Romantic Valentine’s Day Date Ideas from Fulfilling Your Vows

Six Valentine’s Day gifts your husband actually wants from Dave Willis

Romantic Valentine Ideas from Debi at the Romantic Vineyard

What I Really Want for Valentine’s Day (Maybe You Do Too) from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous

15 Manly Gifts to Give Your Guy This Valentines (Real Ideas From a Guy) from Intentional Today
Valentines Day Thoughts

These posts aren't exactly gift ideas in the traditional sense, but they may inspire some ideas.

The Ultimate Valentine's Gift from The Generous Husband

What Women Rally Want for Valentine's Day from the Dating Divas

How to Make it a Valentine’s Day He Won’t Forget by Debi of The Romantic Vineyard on the Engaged Marriage blog

3 Things I Am Doing For My Husband Leading Up To Valentine’s Day from Unveiled Wife

Here's are two posts I wrote for Valentines Day a while back:

• For Wives - A Little Romance His Way
• For Husbands - The Other 364 Days 

So there they are. All the Valentines Day resources you could need. I'm sure there is something for everyone among these links. There's still plenty of time left to make this Valentines Day a memorable one!

Do you have a Valentines Day idea to share with our readers? Help us out and leave a comment!

Home date nights are the perfect remedy when time, money and energy are scarce and the kids are small. 

As we saw in my first Date Night post, 44% of couples said that busyness was a major obstacle to having more frequent dates. It was the number one obstacle. Money, at 34%, was the second biggest impediment. Being too tired was third at 31%, and 29% said it was too hard with kids.

I've got a great remedy for these three problems: date night at home!

As you can see from the chart below 70% of couples taking my survey rarely or never do dates at home. I wish I had asked why not?!

As I mentioned last time, Jenni and I do plenty of home dates for various reasons. I'll admit, though, that we haven't been as creative or invested as much effort as we could (or as we will in the year ahead!). Our typical home-dates usually consist of dinner together (we are empty nesters) and a movie or maybe a game. Occasionally, if we are going the extra mile, we add an appetizer and glass of wine before dinner, make a fire, or light some candles.

Our typical home-date isn't very different from the folks in my survey. Here's what they do on their home date nights, and what they said they would like to do more of.

Why Home Dates Makes Sense

Busyness is a relationship killer! I don't know why we fill our schedules with so many less important appointments and tasks and allow our marriage to suffer as a consequence, but we do. Maybe it has to do with taking each other and our marriages for granted.

Leaving space in your life for your marriage is another post for another time, but even if you are super-busy, you can make room in your week for a 1-2 hour date at home. The challenge is to be deliberate about setting aside time for it. Designate an evening to go for a walk, to sit together and have glass of wine and just talk, to play a game you both enjoy, or even schedule a leisurely evening of physical intimacy (more on that in an upcoming post!).

If money is your issue, date nights at home can be very inexpensive! All of the examples i just gave don't really cost anything but your time. Cook dinner together, maybe experimenting with new cuisine. If you don't feel like cooking, get take-out and save on the tip and drinks.

If you have young children, date nights at home make even more sense, because you don't need to worry with finding a babysitter. Plus, when you put kids and busyness together, you end up with the another big date-night obstacle: being too tired . Get the kids in bed, early if necessary, and spend the remainder of the evening relaxing together. Take a bath together, snuggle in front of a warm fire or go straight to bed and enjoy making a physical connection.

And let's not forget mornings. If your kids are old enough to get up without you, have coffee, tea or breakfast in bed together, have your quiet times together or make love before you start your other responsibilities and normal daily routine.

Inject a Little Creativity

The one risk of home date nights is that it's easy to get lazy. Truthfully, if your only time together during the week is spent sitting facing the television, you aren't engaging much with each other. Sure, flipping on the TV is easy and it's an escape, but it probably isn't the best way to spend your date night, if that's all you do. So try to do something that allows you to also communicate and connect with each other. As a minimum, spend the commercials kissing!

Sure, getting creative with your home dates will probably take a little extra effort, or at minimum a little extra thought, but it is well worth it to keep your time together fresh and interesting. Relationships need new experiences every once in a while to stay out of the comfortable ruts we quite naturally tend to fall into.

What's your favorite way to spend time together on a home date? Leave a comment.

Happy New Year! May 2016 be the best year of your marriage yet!

I'm starting off the new year with a bang (no fireworks pun intended)!!

In honor of my upcoming "Date Night" series, I've put together an amazing Winter Date Night at Home package worth $74, which will go one lucky couple.

Take advantage of all the various ways to enter to maximize your chances of winning. Especially note that subscriptions to my blog posts are worth 3 entries and that current subscribers can get credit too. You'll want to be sure you sign up so you don't miss any of my upcoming Date Night Series posts. I'll be sharing some of the results of my recent "Date Night" poll with you along with some great date night ideas and resources. When you visit my Facebook page, please like and share the contest to your timeline as well. Thanks and good luck!

Contest expires at midnight on Tuesday, January 5th extended one day to Wednesday, January 6th.  Sorry, but due to the nature of the prize, I can only ship to the US and Canada.
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Free intimacy building download, just in time for Valentine's Day!

That's right. I'm offering my popular 14-Day Intimacy Challenge for Husbands and Wives for free through Noisetrade. Thousands of couples have already downloaded these great eBooks and taken the challenge. Now is your chance. 

Get the Husbands Challenge Here.

Get the Wife's Challenge Here.

This is a limited time offer, so get them while you can!

Learn to Think, Act and Communicate in Ways That Cultivate Intimacy in Your Marriage!

What is the Intimacy Challenge?

If you aren’t satisfied with the intimacy level in your marriage (and I don’t think you ever should be), it’s time to challenge yourself to take a fresh approach. The Intimacy Challenge dares you to do things differently in order to get different results. By following each daily call to action you will begin to think, act and communicate in new ways that encourage intimacy to thrive.

Who should take the challenge?

For many couples, intimacy is an ever-elusive goal. Every couple wants more of it, though many can’t agree on what exactly it is. Few couples know how to get it, and even fewer actually attain it. If this describes your marriage, even a little, take this 14-day challenge and watch the intimacy level rise to new heights.

Why should I take the challenge?

Every couple will benefit from making intimacy a priority. The truth is there is always more intimacy available.

What real couples say

Here's what real couples have shared about their experience with The 14 Day Intimacy Challenge:

• "Thank you for the helpful tips and advice. It has really helped us grow closer together!"
• "Sometimes it is just the awareness that helps to make things work better, and you provided that for me."
• "Thank you for so many great ideas that stretched me out of my comfort zone!"
• "Thank you for your investment in marriage. Many need this type of encouragement and advice!"
• "Thank you for such a wonderful marriage building exercise!"

How to Give It

This challenge makes the perfect gift for Valentine's day.

Here's one suggestion for how to give it. Print out the cover and wrap it or put it in card. When your spouse opens it, explain that every day for the next two weeks you'll be taking the challenge, which is designed to build more intimacy in your marriage. Each day has something to think about, something to do, and something to ask. You could leave it at that, or explain further, as you wish.

Another way to give the challenge is to not say anything about it until the challenge is over, or unless your spouse begins to suspect that something is "different" and asks.

The third way to give it is to decide to do the challenge together and take turns with each day, spreading the challenge out to 28 days. (He does his Day 1, then she does her Day 1, etc.)

However you decide to give it, please do make this investment in your marriage. You'll be glad you did.

Feel free to drop back by and tell us how it went with a comment below.

Christmas is coming! Here is your last minute gift help!

I'm interrupting my Gift of Sex series for this very important post!

I probably don't need to remind you that Christmas is only 9 days away. Sorry if that gives you sweaty palms. But not to worry. I'm here to help.

Before I offer the promised help, I would like to remind you (once again) that Christmas is NOT about gifts. Sure, if you are like me you probably enjoy the chance to bless your wife (or husband) with a nice gift. But don't lose your focus. Remind yourself that we are celebrating the ultimate gift.

The God of the Universe stepped out of the perfection of heaven and came to Earth as a man to win you and me as His eternal bride. Now that's a gift.

Now back to the main reason for this post.

Indeed, I've been watching out for you, studiously monitoring my inbox, Facebook, Twitter and blog reader feed for Christmas gift idea lists from marriage bloggers I follow and respect. I'm sure you can find a great gift idea for your spouse among these lists!

So relax and click away...


What to Get Your Husband:

Wife’s Gift Guide to Knock Your Hubby’s Socks Off! 2014 Edition from Kate of One Flesh Marriage

Gifts for Him from Lori, The Generous Wife

Romantic Gift Ideas for Him from The Romantic Vineyard

15 Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Husband from Jennifer, The Unveiled Wife

Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband from Sheila of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

50 Gift Ideas for Him, Under $20 Each from Darlene at Time Warp Wife

10 Sexy, Manly Items for Your Hubby’s Christmas Stocking from J at Hot, Holy and Humorous


What to Get Your Wife:

Christmas Gift Guide to Wow Your Wife – 2014 Edition from Brad of One Flesh Marriage

What Does Your Wife Want for Christmas? From J at Hot, Holy and Humorous

Gifts for Her from Paul, the Generous Husband

Romantic Gift Ideas for Her from The Romantic Vineyard

The all-important What Not to Give Her For Christmas list from First Things First

Gift Ideas for Women from Jolene Engle

10 Creative Gifts That Cost Little or Nothing form Jerry Stumpf of Cracking the Marriage Code


More For Him or Her:

The One Flesh Marriage Gift Idea Archive from One Flesh Marriage

Christmas Gifts to Nurture the Soul from Sheila at To Love, Honor and Vacuum

For the wives of husbands who struggle with the whole gift thing: Giving Your Husband Gift Giving Help from The XY Code

How to Get the Perfect Present for Your Spouse from Simple Marriage

Top Marriage Book Picks from Hot, Holy and Humorous

From Journey to Surrender

Sign up for my Pathways monthly marriage newsletter and get a free copy of the updated and expanded Intimate Connections, Print out the 20 fun fill-in-the-blank intimate conversation starters and put them in a nice binder.

See my archive of Romantic Ideas. Dozens of romantic gift ideas for her and even some for him.

Do you  have a gift idea? Care to let us in on what you are giving your spouse this Christmas? Do you know of a good idea list that should be added to my list of lists? Bring it on! Comment!

When was the last time you and your spouse did something just because it was fun?

Next up in this series on how to grow a more passionate marriage: Playfulness.

Looking for the Passion Switch

I think it's fair to say that most couples would like to have more passion in their marriage. So, why don't more couples achieve it?

One reason is that passion requires persistence. There is no "passion switch" that will suddenly triple the passion level in your marriage. Even occasional intensely passionate encounters, as great as they are, won't be enough to sustain passion.

Remember, passion is more than just what happens in the bedroom (or wherever). Passion has to do with relishing in every dimension of your marriage, the sexual, the spiritual, the relational - all of it. It's being crazy about your spouse and being willing to show it consistently, every single day. It's spending time together and connecting regularly on an emotional level. Maybe you think that's too idealistic, but passion is truly a daily choice, or rather, a set of daily choices.

Developing a passionate atmosphere in your marriage is mostly a frame of mind; it's something that burns on the inside of you. Learn to take delight in who your spouse is. Take pleasure in your marriage. Be thankful for what you have, but always go for more!

One thing you should be deliberate about is to regularly inject playfulness into your marriage.

Just For the Fun of It

How long has it been since you and your spouse did something just to have some fun? Really. No agendas, not on the to do list, no real purpose even. Just for fun.

Regularly injecting a little playfulness into your marriage will go a long way toward keeping passions alive.

When was the last time you laughed together until your sides hurt? Can't remember? Maybe you need to play a little more.

In addition to regularly having fun, another important dimension of playfulness is maintaining a sense of adventure.

Once in a while, do something you have never done before, just to mix things up a little and keep life interesting. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom. Even small adventures, like visiting a park you've never gone to before, enjoying a new cuisine or trying a new sexual position, will add to the sense of freshness and help keep you from getting stuck in a rut.

Here's the truth, too much routine can be passion poison!

So step outside your comfort zone once in a while and infuse your marriage with a bit of creativity and excitement. It will do wonders for the passion in your marriage.

Passion Pointers

What is fun or exciting is going to be different for every marriage. What's fun to one couple is going to be lame to another. It can also be true that what is exciting to you might be either terrifying or completely boring to your spouse. That's why you have to work together on playfulness. Find what works for you both.

Here are just a few ideas to get you thinking:

• Go see a funny movie together. Yes, go to an actual theater.
• Learn a new card game. Add some adventure by making up a strip version!
• Buy and play a new board game.
• Make love in a different room of the house.
• Pick a new restaurant to visit next time you go out to dinner instead of "the usual." Try ordering something you've never tasted before.
• Make plans to explore a new nearby city together
• Take a cooking class or dancing lessons
• Surprise your spouse with one of these ideas.

On a whim, I recently shocked Jenni when I agreed for us to take some Salsa dancing lessons that were being offered at our church. We quickly discovered that we are no Fred and Ginger, but we had lots of fun and got to laugh hysterically at ourselves once every week for several months.

The thing is, as I said above, you are going to have to be purposeful about playfulness. In the midst of the craziness of life, fun and adventure won't necessarily just happen on their own. You will have to make room for them and be intentional about it. Trust me, though, it will pay off.

What do you and your spouse do to play together? Share your experiences and ideas in a comment.

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If you missed the other post in the Passion Series:

• Passion: the key to delighting in one another 
• Pursue your wife (Men Only Monday)
• Pursue your Husband (Wives Only Wednesday) 

It's Time to Start Planning for the Big Day

You know what I'm talking about - Valentine's Day!

I realize that not every couple celebrates Valentine's Day like we do. Maybe you think it's too crass and commercial, and you'd be partly right. If you are in that camp, let me encourage you to simply think of this as an opportunity to bless your spouse, to lavish love on him or her. Sure, you should do that all the time, but this is one holiday dedicated to the task.

So why not go for it?

Maybe you are just intimidated by the whole notion of Valentine's Day. Maybe you think of yourself as romantically challenged. I get it. But I'm here to help!

Below are four sure-fire romantic hits from my archive, all personally tested by me!


The Numbers Game

What do you love about your husband or wife? Here's your chance to say them all in a fun and creative way. Write down all the reasons you love your spouse, as many as you can think of,  and spend the entire day revealing them all to him or her.  I share specific creative ways to do this!

See the details...

Romantic Balloon Pop

A really fun one! Think up a dozen little  fun/romantic activities,  love-coupons, or little gifts. Blow up a dozen red, pink and white balloons and put each item, or something representing it, or a clue to where it is hidden inside the balloon. Have your spouse pick a balloon and pop it! You can pop them all at once or spread the fun throughout the day!

See the details...

Homemade Luxury Spa

No money for a spa gift certificate? No worries. Create your own in-home spa experience! I tell you how. It's not as hard as you might think, and definitely more fun and intimate than any gift certificate!

See the details...

Romantic Surprise Getaway

No, this one's not for the faint of heart. My lovely wife describes a romantic surprise getaway I planned for her not long ago. This kind of thing can be rather involved, but it's well worth the time and effort, believe me!

See the details...

Romantic Conversation Starters - Free Download

I put together a free Romantic Connections PDF download filled with fill-in-the-blank questions that are sure to get you talking on an intimate level. The pages cover a range of topics, such as places you want to visit together, dream dates, and the "love me all day" list.

Download/Print here...

I am also offering a newly expanded and updated version of this download, called Intimate Connections, with tons more content. You can get it for free by signing up for my Pathways monthly e-newsletter.  Check the sidebar for the sign up link or just click here.

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Special announcement coming!

In my next post I'll have one last V-day idea that just may top all the one's above. Be sure to check back for it!

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Today I have a guest post over at the Hope at Home Blog, where my good friend Beth inspires and encourages adpotive families, with a heart to transform orphans into sons and daughters.

Here is the first part of that post:

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Do you scoff or cringe at the thought of Valentine’s Day? 

“Who has time and energy for romance? Certainly not me!”

I get it that life is crazy sometimes (okay, honestly, most times). There are always so many things bidding for our time, attention and energy.

Still, I implore you not to write off this season of your life as a romance free era. I know it’s tempting to think that there will be more time to focus on the intimacy in your marriage later on. But the truth is that later never comes. Trust me, I know.

My wife, Jenni, and I have been married more than 30 years, and still our crazy-busy life has a tendency to infringe on the time and effort we give to romancing each other. That is just the day and age we live in.

Romance on a Time and Energy Budget

The thing is, you can romance your spouse without a huge effort. In fact, I often say that little love expressions, done consistently, will have a bigger impact on your relationship than grandiose expressions done only once in a while...

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Read the rest of my post over at Hope at Home. It has lots of ideas for keeping romance alive even when romance seems impossible.

2016 Update: Intimate Connections now available in hardcopy!  Details Below.

Face it, a lot of husbands aren’t that great at conversation, much less deep and meaningful conversation.

That’s a problem for building intimacy in a marriage, because as I define it, intimacy comes from being fully known, yet completely loved. 

It’s the being known part that is hardest for most couples. It’s so hard to be “naked” without shame, isn’t? (If  you haven’t seen what I’ve written on this topic see this post.) We tend to hide our innermost feelings because we fear being judged for them.

Men are especially guilty of this (I know because I am one).  And in truth, a lot of the emotional disconnect with couples is because a lot of husbands just aren’t comfortable baring their souls.

So What’s a Couple To Do?

How can you build emotional intimacy when the husband isn’t that great at sharing his feelings or engaging in intimate conversations?

I’ve got a workbook called Intimate Connections. The idea for this came about from something I did for our 20 year anniversary (more than ten years ago now!).

It’s filled with great fill-in-the-blank conversation starters like “20 Places We’d Like to See,” “20 Ways Our Marriage is Great,” “20 Ways to Explore Each Other’s Bodies.” and “20 Dream Dates We Want to Have.”  Some of them you fill out together, others you fill out separately and compare notes.
Maybe you could incorporate a few of these questions into your Valentine’s Day plans. Order now and select expedited shipping at checkout to get it before February 14th.

Do you have some other questions that could be asked of the two of you to spark some intimate conversation?  I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments!

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Your husband is not nearly as romantically challenged as you think!
Have you long since given up on your husband in the romance department? Have you repeatedly suffered disappointing Valentine’s Days over the years? Have such things caused you to turn your attention on this holiday toward your kids instead of your husband? Or maybe you have altogether given up celebrating this day, passing if off as crassly commercialized.

I get it. Really, I do.

But it’s time to a take back Valentine’s Day.

Hallmark and FTD commercials notwithstanding, this day is really not about cards and flowers and chocolates (though for many of you that would probably be a step up).

No, this holiday is really about love, romantic love.

A Chance to Rekindle Romance

“But my husband is romantically inept,” I hear you saying.

It is probably true that many, if not most, husbands appear to their wives as somewhat challenged in the romance department. But I believe the problem isn’t romance per se. The problem is in the vast difference between what feels romantic to men as opposed to what feels romantic to women.

Yeah, it’s that ages-old differences thing again.

We men will try to give love and romance in the way we define it, as opposed to the way our wives do. When that doesn’t work (repeatedly, over years) we eventually conclude that we are romantically incapable, and we stop trying. Our wives sometimes contribute to this by either overtly stating it, or by their cool reactions to our ill-advised attempts at romance.

Rather than giving up on your man this Valentine’s Day, try to see it as is your chance to move things forward, romantically speaking, in your marriage.

Turn Around Your Expectations

Chances are if your husband has historically low marks in romance, he is not all of a sudden going to come up with a stunning Valentine’s Day plan. (That is, unless he happened to read my Man-Up Monday post this week.)

As hard as it is, I’m encouraging to re-focus your expectations from what you might get from your husband this year to what you can give him.

Switch your attention from trying to teach your husband how to romance you to instead trying to learn how to best romance him. 

You see, as I said, what feels romantic to you probably will not to him. You want his time and attention, a sense that you and your feelings matter, and to feel cared for. For him, those things probably will not do the trick.

Romance to him probably comes in completely different forms. Here are what I call the three A’s to romancing your husband:

• Admiration (of who he is) – Take a break from focusing on his inadequacies and shortcoming, and focus instead on his best qualities. Tell him WHY you love him. Believe with him in his dreams. Let him know that you see what’s inside of him, but also admire his physical appearance. He wants to know you are attracted to him.

• Appreciation (for what he’s done) – If your husband is like me, he thinks a lot about the balls that are dropping all around in his crazy life. Take a break from nagging him about what more he needs to be doing and instead thank him for what he is doing and has done. Genuine words of thanks do a lot more to spur him on than anything else.

• Affirmation (of his sexual nature) – You knew I’d get here eventually, didn’t you? Your husband wants you to affirm rather than shame or disregard him in this important area of your marriage. Understand that his desire for sex is actually a desire for intimacy with you. Don’t just tolerate his desires, but try to respond in kind. He wants to be wanted by you.

By asking you to focus on his romantic needs, I’m not telling you to settle for a husband who doesn’t know how to romance you the way you like. You should never give up on your desires for that. But I am saying that a man who is admired, appreciated and affirmed is much more likely to send a little romance back in your direction than a man who is starved for those things.

This Valentine’s Day think about how can incorporate the three A’s of husband-romance into it.

Do you have some specific suggestions for my readers on how they might show these things to their husbands? Leave a comment!

A little more than two weeks to go. Do you have a plan?

You know what I'm talking about.

Are you one of those husbands who gets a mild panic attack when he thinks about Valentine’s Day? Or maybe you have decided V-Day is nothing more than a creation of crass commercialism, which you are not going to buy into. Perhaps you leave the romance department to your wife.

Whatever your stance, I’m going to challenge you to do something different this year.

I’m challenging you to man up and make a plan for Valentine’s Day.

A Plan Says I Care About You and Us

You want to hear a secret when it comes to romancing your wife? Lean in, let me whisper it to you, so your wife won’t overhear.  It almost doesn’t matter what you do. That’s right, as long as it is clear to her that you put a lot into it and that you are excited about it, she will love it. No kidding.

Here’s why. When you put forth effort to romance your wife she will receive it as you pursuing her. And your wife loves to be pursued.

Also, she will see it as you leading in your relationship’s emotional intimacy department. And your wife loves it when you lead.

Finally, taking the time and effort to plan something special tells her you care about her and her needs and that you care about your marriage. And your wife loves to feel cared for.

No More Excuses

So if I’m right about the fact that you almost cannot fail, you have no more excuse not to step up and make a plan. You’ve got time.

Still not sure where to begin? Here are four basic steps to point you in the right direction:

1. Keep it secret - The element of surprise adds to the romantic effect
2. Make it multi-faceted – your plan should involve more than simply presenting her with a gift. Make it something you can spread out over at least several hours or even all day. It could even be something to be played out over weeks or months in steps.
3. Focus on her – one problem men have in planning romantic encounters is that they don’t separate sex and romance the way women do. What I’m saying is that your whole purpose should be to bring HER pleasure in the way SHE desires. Depending on your wife, that may or may not include overtly sexual expressions.
4. Show your heart – this can be hard one for many men, who don’t typically major on feelings and expressing them. If you want to really bless your wife, get past your discomfort and pour out your feelings about her.

If you include these four basic elements to your plan, it will be a tremendous hit. I promise.

A Little Inspiration

Still needing a little guidance? Here are some examples of some successful romantic encounters that I have planned out and performed for my wife. I have shared these here in the past, but here are the links for easy reference.

• Romantic Balloon Pop – A dozen surprises hidden inside a dozen balloons - great fun! 
• 100 Things I Love About You – This is a great one, and you don’t need to make it 100 if that is too daunting!
• Homemade Spa – A personally designed day of spoiling relaxation. Sure to be a hit! 
• Surprise Getaway – Kidnap your wife for a romantic getaway. My wife's description of one of the many times I've done this for her. 
• 14-Day Intimacy Challenge - Give your wife two weeks of intimacy – HER way. Do the challenge in the two weeks leading up to February 14th or the 14 days following.See the end of this post for details on how to get the challenge.

Alright guys! I've given you the reasons. I've given you key tips. I've given you examples. 

Now get out there and PLAN something!

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You can follow the daily links to do the Intimacy Challenge online on this page.   Or you can get a convenient pdf of the challenge for free via email when you sign up for my Pathways monthly intimacy newsletter. (Hurry, though, the February edition is coming out in just a few days with lots more romantic ideas!) Sign up on my blog  or right here:

Are you a love skeptic or do you love love?

As we approach that most sacred of love observances, Valentine’s Day, I want to challenge you to discover (or re-discover) love. Regardless of where you come down on the worth of celebrating February 14th, I want to push you to grow in your understanding of love.

Between now and Valentine's Day I plan on posting a number of romantic ideas you can use to make this a special day for you and your spouse. As I start sharing ideas, I figure it is also a great time to talk about love.

After all, Valentine’s Day is often described as the “Day of Love.”


Ask ten people what love is and you will get at least ten different answers that vary all over the place.

Is it an emotion? A giddy, head-over-heels feeling? Is it a commitment? Is it romance? Is it a decision of will, a choice? Is love more about the soul, the body or the spirit?  What is the relationship between sex and love?

Who knows? Who decides?

The Bible tells us that God is love. The engineer in me knows that if A=B, then B=A. So can we say that love is also God? The Bible also says we should love like Jesus. What does that mean?


What do you think love is? The truth is that what you believe about love greatly affects your marriage. You must decide what love is to you and your marriage relationship. What your spouse thinks about love is also hugely important, especially in how it differs from your own views.

In the next few weeks, as I share my romantic ideas for Valentine’s Day, I’m also going to be doing a number of posts exploring love. I’m orienting these around love as expressed by Jesus, because He is the best picture of love there is.  It only makes sense to dig deeply into Jesus if we want to know what true love really is.

And so I'm calling this series “True Love.”

In Ephesians 3 Paul tells us we can never fully know the love of Christ, yet he compels us to make that our lifelong ambition. He compels us to try to intimately know this unknowable love, because it is the key to fullness in God. I believe it is also the key to fullness in marriage.

Though I cannot hope to fully explore every dimension of the love of Christ in a few posts scattered through a few weeks, I want to challenge you to really dig deeply into love as we approach the day of love. Determine to go beyond what you think you know about love during these few weeks.

I’m encouraging you to go after a radical love of love. Press into love like never before. Get excited about becoming more Christ-like in your love expressions. Embrace love in the broadest possible way. Don’t settle for your current level of understanding. Challenge your beliefs. Stretch your long-held perceptions.

There is always more to know about love, because there is always more to know about God. We are going to go for it!

Stand by for my first romantic Valentine's Day idea.

But before I launch this series, I’ll leave it open for you to answer.


Leave a comment with your definition, thoughts and ideas. Let’s get this love party started.

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Don't miss my guest post on J's Hot, Holy and Humorous blog:

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Your Husband Would Have you Believe Instead)

Christmas Eve is only a week away! If you still don’t have any idea what to do to  make this a romantic Christmas, I’m here to equip you for the task.  

[I’m interrupting my “Salt and Light” series for this emergency “what do I do about Christmas” broadcast. Our regular programming will resume shortly.]

Not everyone sees Christmas as a time for romance. Indeed, the priority during this season should be on the spiritual and family dimensions of the holidays, but don’t neglect this opportunity to add in a little romance with your husband or wife.

Ideas, Ideas, and More Ideas

Because I’ve waited until so late to do this post, I’m able to point you to the many fellow marriage bloggers who have done the groundwork for me!  Here they are in no particular order:

From Brad and Kate at One Flesh Marriage

• 2012 Guy’s Gift Guide to Wow your Wife – gifts based on HER Love Language

• 2012 Wife’s Gift Guide to Knock Your Hubby’s Socks Off – Lots of intimacy-building ideas (intimacy HIS way)

From Paul, The Generous Husband

• Romantic Christmas Music

• Love (letter) in a bottle

• Give yourself

• More Gifts for Her

From Lori, The Generous Wife

• On His Pillow A daily dose of love from now until Christmas

• Christmas Words of Love

• More Gifts for Him 

From Lori at Marriage Gems

• Great Gift Ideas and What to Never Buy Your Wife  - heads up men!

From Sheila at To Love Honor and Vacuum

• keeping Christmas sane and at the end the three gift of Christmas suggestion: something they want, something they need, something for their soul

•  Get Sheila's 31 Days to Great Sex ebook and plan to start together in January! Great way to kick off the new year by investing your marriage.

From Debi and Tom at The Romantic Vineyard:

• Husbands Only Romantic Christmas Ideas

• Wives Only Romantic Christmas Ideas 

A Few Romantic Gift Ideas of My Own

Husbands:

• Skip the poinsettia this year and bring your wife a beautiful Christmas flower arrangement
• Give her a Tea or Coffee gift, according to her preference, along with a note suggesting that the two of you enjoy it together during ten minutes of connection time each day (or on designated days, if daily isn’t possible).
• Tickets to a concert, play, ballet or other performance that you know she would love to see. Pick it based solely on her desire, not your own, and make sure you are enthusiastic about going with her.
• Sign up for my new Pathways monthly intimacy e-newsletter and get a free copy of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Husbands.Take the challenge as a "secret" gift, or you can tell her that she has 14 Days of Intimacy coming her way, but tell her nothing more.

Wives:

• Buy something for his desk at work (a pen set, desk organizer, a framed picture, etc.) and write a hand-written note that says “Every time you look at this/use this remember how proud I am of the way you work hard to take care of us” or something to that effect in your own words.
• Lingerie – and I’m talking about the kind that is primarily for his viewing pleasure - you know what I mean. If you aren’t sure what he'd like to see you in, get a gift card and suggest you shop together. If either or both of you are too shy to go into a lingerie shop, a gift card from an online retailer would work instead.
• Tickets to a sporting event, boat show, or concert that you know he really wants to see but might not ask for, in deference to your preferences. Make sure he knows how excited you are to go along with him to whatever it is. 
• Sign up for my new Pathways monthly intimacy e-newsletter and get a free copy of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. Take the challenge as a "secret" gift, or you can tell him that he has 14 Days of Intimacy coming his way, but tell him nothing more.

If you are on already on top of this Christmas, romantically speaking, share your ideas below! Caution: you might want to post your comment anonymously if your spouse also reads my blog!! Don't want any Christmas spoilers!

My lovely wife summoned her courage and created another post. I hope you enjoy it.



Well blog writing wasn’t as painful as I thought it might be and your comments were so encouraging that I thought I would try again! This time I am writing about another incredibly thoughtful gift my husband Scott gave me several Christmases ago. It was one of the best surprises I ever received and helped get me through the toughest season of my life so far.

Here’s the background: In 1997 Scott’s mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and moved in with us. This was a decision Scott and I made together, along with his siblings and lots of guidance from God. Becoming Mom’s caregiver meant not only dealing with the gradual loss of this incredible woman but the loss of my independence and any sense of control over my household.

As the illness progressed, I became the “bad guy”, the “other woman” to my mother-in-law. In addition I never knew what would greet me as I came through the door.  For example, once I found the refrigerator disassembled with all the food defrosting on the floor.   Another time I couldn’t find my frying pans and pots only to discover she had put one on each of the dining room chairs.  Clothing and linen weren’t safe because our dear Mom would spray them with bleach thinking it was stain remover.

We developed a saying in those years, "We don't ask why!"

One Christmas, right in the middle of those crazy years, my daughters and I decided, with my husband’s encouragement, to actually go shopping on the day after Christmas, taking advantage of the sales . I have trained my girls to shop til we drop, and we had a grand time shopping all day long.

When we arrived home all was fairly quiet, so I made my way up the back stairs to our bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of blue and then suddenly I realized our bedroom had been completely transformed. Scott had pulled a “WHILE YOU WERE OUT” and set up my own sitting room space in our bedroom. A love seat, a desk, coffee table, a wall mounted TV, bookshelves and lamps, a new bedspread and wall hangings. Incredible!

I cried then and I still cry just thinking about how blessed I was. I had “lost” my home to my mother-in -law but Scott created a sanctuary for me. This was one place in the house that was my own, my refuge. I can remember just walking through our room and feeling peace and relief just knowing it was there for me whenever I needed it. I shed many tears in that room and prayed many prayers.

I don’t know how he did it but during those years Scott took care of both his mom and me. I never doubted that I came first but we both knew that for a season we needed to take care of the dear woman who gave me the man who I love most.

Taking Care of Each Other

My purpose in writing is to say that if your spouse is under great stress due to care giving or some other life circumstance, think of a way to create a haven for them.

• You can create a separate space in your home, as Scott did for me that Christmas. It doesn’t have to be a whole room; it can be a corner of a room or any other area set aside for them, decorated in their favorite way.
• If that’s not feasible, consider specifically granting him or her designated “escape time.” Thirty minutes after dinner or after they get home from work where no demands are placed on them, where they can do whatever relaxes and reinvigorates them.
• Arrange for a weekend getaway. Even if your circumstances prevent you from both being gone at once, you can take turns!

Can you think of other ways to create a haven for your weary, stressed-out spouse? Leave your ideas in the comments.

Being a long term care giver can place great demands and stress on your marriage. Even though there are tremendous physical and emotional demands on you both, make sure you make it a priority to also take care of each other.

Yes, it’s now seriously time to get your romance on!

Valentine’s Day is a week away, and some of you are still thinking, “I’m still not sure what I’m going to do.” You’ve got plenty of time to plan something special. This post will help!

Some of you are thinking, “We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, anyway.” Let me suggest that this year be the year you start!

And some of you are thinking (talking mostly to husbands here), “I’m not really the romantic type.” That’s a lousy excuse for not giving your lovely wife the romance she so craves and deserves!

Read on for some great resources for the romantically impaired!


We had a great response to our Romantic Dinner Giveaway Contest! In total there were 483 entries! Thanks to all of you who “liked” my new Facebook page, followed me on Twitter, joined our mailing list, tweeted the contest, or wrote about their romantic experiences on the contest post or on my FB page.

The winner of the random number drawing is number 199.
Number 199 turned out to be:
Lindsay, whose Twitter follow entry was selected, has been contacted to claim her prize of a $75 Amex gift card. Congratulations! Enjoy dinner on me this Valentine's Day.

Now, I am happy to also announce, as a special bonus, an unadvertised consolation prize. I have decided to present an award for most diligent contestant to Eunice B, who entered the contest every way possible, including tweeting about it every single day of the contest (my apologies to her Twitter followers!). Eunice and her husband will receive a $25 gift card as my way of saying thanks for trying so hard.


If you read the memorable romantic stories that readers shared, you’ll notice that many of them were not necessarily hugely involved or expensive. You really can see in these stories the old adage that it’s the thought that counts.

So as you peruse the romantic idea web links below, keep in mind that what you really want is to convey your heart of love for your spouse. Ask yourself this question: what is the most sincere way to say “I love you” to him or her. The answer is probably not the most expensive or most elaborate of all the possibilities. It’s the one that expresses your heart.

So without further ado, here are some resources I’ve searched out and compiled for your convenience:

14 Ways to Say I Love You - The CoupleThings Blog has a great list of 14 romantic ideas split up into three parts: Part 1, Part 2  and Part 3.

Write a Love Letter - Write her (or him) a letter or card that says how much you love her (or him). Here’s a link for husbands who need a little help with how to write a love letter: one from The Art of Manliness blog.)  and one from The Generous Husband.  Something you create using your own words has much more meaning than a five dollar store-bought card.

Take Note - If writing an entire love letter is too daunting for you, try communicating your love with little notes, either passing them to her (or him)  directly during the day or leaving them stuck around  for her (or him) find.  The posts on this idea come from Romantic Act of the Day.

How Do I Love Thee - Tell her how much you want to learn to love her/him well and ask her/him to take the 5 Love Languages Assessment  with you. Talk about the results and some ways to express love that would be most meaningful.

There's an App for That - If you have an iphone, go get the Romantic Vineyard iphone App  for one or both of you. It’s free and the marriage tips and romantic questions are great.

Breakfast in Bed - Here is a post from the Generous Husband on how to go about serving a romantic breakfast, and here is a “how to” video for those who need a little more explicit instruction. Here are some recipe ideas from Real Simple  and Recipe4Living. As for what you do after you are finished dining, that's up to you.

Of course, if you have a desire to do something a little more extravagant, check out my growing list of Romantic Ideas.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this post from Marriage Gems, entitled How to Have a Special Valentine’s Day – 


So now you have no excuse not to show your spouse a little love on Valentine's Day.  Have fun planning it and, most of all, enjoy pouring your love out on one another!



Did you know that Journey to Surrender now has a Facebook page! It’s got lots of extra  marriage-related stuff like videos, links, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. Come on over and let’s meet up!