Journey to Surrender

It's a special Friday! I'm combining a Friday Favorite post with Friday Freebie giveaway.
I have proposed here on multiple ocassions that intimacy is the primary goal of marriage. I explained why I believe that in today's Friday Favorite post, "What if Intimacy Matters Most?"

It's because of the Bridal Paradigm, which is my understanding of myself as the bride of Christ. It is through that lens that God portrays the perfect picture of marriage. It is through that lens that I see Christ as my Bridegroom, looking for an eternal bride. Christ's pursuit of me, a pursuit that cost him his very life, was not so that I would follow all the religious rules. No, Jesus' pursuit of me was so that I could live in intimacy with him forever as his bride, starting right here and now. (Sorry guys, if you want to be a great husband you will just have to get over yourself and get a clear picture of what it means to be a bride.) 

If Intimacy Really Matters Most

So if you buy into my belief that intimacy is the most important goal in marriage, what should you do about it?

You have to work at it! More from my What If post:

Genuine intimacy in marriage doesn't happen on its own. The natural state of a relationship is not intimacy but coexistence. Left untended, a marriage can easily devolve over time into little more than being excellent roommates.

Focusing on Intimacy Changes Everything

If I really put the goal of intimacy with my wife ahead of everything else in our relationship, a lot of things would have to change.

• I would no longer see having my personal needs met as the most important thing in our relationship. Instead of asking "What can I get from her?" I would ask, "What can I do to keep us close?"
• I would not depend on my wife to make me happy and to keep me that way. Instead, I would find the greatest happiness when our intimacy is deepest. I would gladly take the lead in our pursuit of every form of intimacy.
• Demanding my rights and insisting on my "fair share" would be replaced by looking out for what is best for our marriage and our relationship.
• When I feel offended or disappointed, instead of reacting by keeping emotional distance, I would press closer to her, seek to understand what is really going on, and do my best to eliminate whatever is standing between us.
• Instead of giving my wife only my leftovers, after my job and ministry and chores have taken everything out of me, I would make sure I have sufficient physical, emotional, sexual, and mental energy to give the best part of me to her.

Defining Intimacy
(and the Freebie)

If we are going to make intimacy of primary importance in marriage, we probably need to understand what it is.  I have my own ideas, but I would really like to know what you think intimacy is.

So I've created a little giveaway incentive to get you to tell me your thoughts. I'm giving away three copies of my "Intimate Connections for Couples" workbook (spiral bound, hardcopy) to three of you who will give me your thoughts. Enter using the Rafflecopter contest below. You can get exra entries by tweeting about the contest and sharing it on Facebook, but answering the short survey question is required to win.

I'll be posting some of your answers here next week in a follow up post. Don't worry, the survey is entirely anonymous. Contest closes Tuesday at midnight, so click below and enter now!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Happy New Year! May 2016 be the best year of your marriage yet!

I'm starting off the new year with a bang (no fireworks pun intended)!!

In honor of my upcoming "Date Night" series, I've put together an amazing Winter Date Night at Home package worth $74, which will go one lucky couple.

Take advantage of all the various ways to enter to maximize your chances of winning. Especially note that subscriptions to my blog posts are worth 3 entries and that current subscribers can get credit too. You'll want to be sure you sign up so you don't miss any of my upcoming Date Night Series posts. I'll be sharing some of the results of my recent "Date Night" poll with you along with some great date night ideas and resources. When you visit my Facebook page, please like and share the contest to your timeline as well. Thanks and good luck!

Contest expires at midnight on Tuesday, January 5th extended one day to Wednesday, January 6th.  Sorry, but due to the nature of the prize, I can only ship to the US and Canada.
a Rafflecopter giveaway

See below for your chance to win a free copy of Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk

Today I'm bringing back Friday Freebies! One Friday of every month I'll be giving away marriage-strengthening resources of some kind. To make sure you don't miss the future giveaways, you should sign up to get my posts by email. You'll also get my free bonus report, "What Husbands and Wives Need Most." Be sure to use the RaffleCopter tool below to let me know you signed up in order to receive points toward today's giveaway.

[Aff Link]

I had already read Keep Your Love On, written by Danny Silk, when the publisher contacted me offering a free review copy, but I enthusiastically jumped at the opportunity to share this fabulous book with my readers.

Keep Your Love On is one of the best relationship books I've ever read. Not only will it have a significant impact on your marriage, but many of the insights apply to other important relationships in your life as well.

Rather than trying to give you a complete overview of the book, allow me to whet your appetite by discussing one of the central themes of the book: how to be powerful in a relationship.

Are You Powerful?

What does it mean to be "powerful?" It's probably not what you think.

Danny Silk explains it this way, "If you heard someone described as a powerful person, you might assume he or she would be the loudest person in the room, the one telling everyone else what to do. But powerful does not mean dominating. In fact, a controlling, dominating person is the very opposite of a powerful person."

Being powerful is really about being strong in your own identity and not allowing others to negatively influence that by their behavior toward you. The only control truly powerful people exert is over themselves. Powerful people refuse to on take a victim mentality. They influence their environment rather than allowing their environment to control them. They respond rather than react.

Having this kind of power is what allows them to love others selflessly and unconditionally.

"A powerful person’s choice to love will stand, no matter what the other person does or says. When powerful people say, 'I love you,' there’s nothing that can stop them. Their love is not dependent on being loved in return. It is dependent on their powerful ability to say, 'Yes' and carry out that decision. This protects their love from external forces, or from being managed by other people. Powerful people can be who they say they are on a consistent basis. And because they know how to be themselves , they invite those around them to be themselves. Only powerful people can create a safe place to know and be known intimately."

Don't you want to have that kind of power in your own relationships? If you want to get there, you'll have to read the book, but I'll give you a peak at one of the keys:

"Repentance means to change the way you think. In order to repent from a life of powerlessness, you will need to identify the lies you believe and the influence those lies have in your life. Once you identify these lies, renounce them and break your agreement with them. Then ask the Holy Spirit to come and tell you the truth."

I hope you'll get this amazing book and read it cover to cover. It's packed with solid, biblical insights and tools that can help transform the atmosphere of your marriage relationship. If you purchase the book from Amazon using one of my affiliate links, you'll help support this ministry.

• Paperback version

• Kindle version

Either way, please read it, digest it, and then give your copy to someone else.


If you are interested in winning a paperback copy of the book, complete as many of the Rafflecopter credits below as you can. Contest closes Tuesday at midnight.

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More Great Gifts for Your Marriage

There are three unique aspects to this final Friday Freebie of 2014.

First, I'm posting it on Saturday (blame it on the holidays). Second, I'm actually giving away THREE books instead of just one, so there will be THREE winners. Finally, I'm extending the length of this contest through midnight, New Year's Eve.

Each of these books would be a great gift for your marriage!

Yes, it's after Christmas, and I'm still talking about giving gifts. That's because The Gift of Sex is something to be given to your marriage all year round! So I'll be continuing with the series for at least a few more posts. (To get all these great posts sent right to your inbox, you'll want to subscribe here, but if you want credit toward the giveaway, sign up through RaffleCopter below).

Please help me spread the word about this giveaway.

• Visit my Facebook Page and like and share any post you find there about the giveaway! 
• Use the Facebook buttons at the bottom of this page to like and share this post with friends.
• You can also click right here to Tweet About The Contest now.

You can also share by using the Rafflecopter social media entries as part of the giveaway contest.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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You can explore the books from the giveaway using the links below.  Also if you choose to purchase them through the affiliate links below, you help support this ministry:



The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex: (Kindle Edition)

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex: (Paperback)


Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage (Kindle Only)


Keep Your Love On: Connection, Communication & Boundaries (Kindle Edition)

Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries (Paperback)

Your spouse doesn't just want more sex, he or she wants more of you.

Don't forget to enter my Friday Freebie giveaway below and win a copy of Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman, a great book for couples. 

How much sex is enough sex? Who gets to decide? Is compromise the best strategy? Which matters more: quantity or quality? What constitutes a good sex life? What about the whole high drive/low drive thing?

These are all good and important questions when it comes to sexual satisfaction in marriage, and yet they only touch the surface of what it means to have a sexually satisfying marriage.

Sex Matters

Back when I started this Gift of Sex series, I explained why sex is so important to a strong, intimate marriage. If you still aren't convinced, go back and read it again. Bottom line: a marriage where either partner is sexually dissatisfied for a prolonged period is a marriage at risk.

Sex matters, because couples say it matters. In my recent poll on the meaning of 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (Who Owns My Body?), 95% of men and 92% of women, agreed or agree strongly that "sex is essential to keep a marriage strong." That's 94% overall. Less than 3% overall disagreed. The other 3% were unsure.

Another startling result was the fact that 98% of men and 97% of women agreed (or strongly agreed) that "It is important for me to know that my spouse desires me sexually."

Sex really matters!

More of You

As can happen for any couple, a few years ago our sex life had become somewhat routine. Due to some physical issues Jenni was having, not only was it routine but also a bit clinical. Yes, we were having sex, but it wasn't passionate or spontaneous. Eventually Jenni picked up on my dissatisfaction. I admitted it was an issue, and I disclosed my desire for "more" to her.

Initially Jenni felt hurt, like I was saying she didn't satisfy me or excite me. She responded by withdrawing, saying that she wasn't what I wanted. It left me feeling sorry I had said anything. But then the Lord broke in and whispered to her, "It's not that you aren't what he wants; it's that he wants more of you."

She asked me if it was true and then, after I said "exactly," she chose to believe it. It's made a dramatic difference not only in our sex life, but in our ability to talk about it more openly, without condemnation or shame creeping in.

Couples whose sex life is less than satisfactory often argue over three kinds of "more:"

• More frequency
• More variety and less routine
• More active engagement from their partner

The three are certainly interrelated, but I'm going to look at them one at a time in subsequent posts.

We'll start next time with the most obvious one: frequency. So check back for some fascinating results on frequency from my recent survey. You won't want to miss The Gift of More Frequent or any of the other coming "more" posts. You can subscribe here to make sure you don't miss any posts.

Meanwhile, enter the giveaway below. If you leave a comment, please note it in RaffleCopter so it counts toward the giveaway. You can tweet about this post once per day for additional entries. Ends Monday at midnight, as usual. 

Whether you enter the giveaway or not, I highly recommend this weeks Friday Freebie as one of the best books on sex from a Christian perspective that I've read, and I've read a lot of books on the subject. It's comprehensive. It's frank. Yet it's written in a open and friendly style. If you buy through my links below on Amazon, you help support this ministry.

Click for Kindle Version or for Paperback Version.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Pour a little passion into your marriage this Christmas.

It's Friday Freebie time again! Each week this month I'm giving a different gift to you as part of my Gift of Sex series. This week you can win a copy of Shannon Ethridge's book Passion Principles through the contest at the bottom of this post.

I choose this book for the giveaway this week because Shannon really gets it that sex is much more than just a physical thing. It is also spiritual, mental and emotional. Great sex involves your whole beings, and this book dedicates sections to how to integrate each area into your sex life.

This is a great book to read as a couple in order to spark some conversations, especially if you have a little trouble talking about your sex life. Each chapter includes a "Ponder the Principle" section with conversation inducing questions.

I highly recommend The Passion Principles as a way to give your spouse a gift that will spark a little more passion this Christmas. If you by the book on Amazon through my links you will help support this ministry. Click the links below for the version you want.

• Kindle version
• Paperback version
• Audible Audio version
• MP3 CD version

Aff Link

Win a copy of J. Parker's great new devotional for women: Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. 

I thought Gift of Sex month would be a great time to bring back Friday Freebies by offering my own "gifts of sex."

This week I'm happy to give away a copy of a great new devotional book by J. Parker of Hot Holy and Humorous fame (Thanks to J for making this available to my readers!)

If you aren't familiar with J's blog, and you should be, she writes about sex from a Christian perspective, with both wit and sensitivity, something that isn't all that easy to pull off. Her new book, however, filled with 52 weekly biblically-based devotions, is a bit more on the "serious" side - and that's a good thing in this context.

Although each weekly devotion is short and easy to read in just a few minutes, there is plenty to chew on. Each devotion starts with a scripture passage, then J. shares her reflections on what it means for our sexual relationship with our spouse. There are also a few thought-provoking questions, followed by a related prayer.

If you want a taste of the content check out her post, What Does a Sex Devotion Look Like?, where J shares one of the devotions that didn't make the cut of 52 that are in the book.

This is a fantastic resource. I love the idea of taking the Bible into the bedroom. After all, sex was God's idea in the first place. There is no reason to separate the spiritual from the sexual.  It's all spiritual!

Below you'll find the details of giveaway, including the opportunity to take my newest poll on sexual satisfaction in marriage. Of course you can also take the poll without entering the contest at this link.

Give your marriage the gift of a better, more spiritually aware sex life. I highly recommend you get J's book for yourself or a friend. (You can get it through my Amazon affiliate link and support this ministry by clicking on the book at top of his post, or by clicking these links for Kindle or paperback.)

Hurry and enter!  Contest only runs until 11:59 PM Monday!

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Giveaway Details: a Rafflecopter giveaway

Stuck for what to give your spouse for Christmas? How about the gift of a better sex life?

Welcome to December!

I'll admit it. I love the Christmas season. Christmas decorations. Christmas music. Christmas trees. Christmas cookies. All of it. Well, I love almost all of it.

My one exception: Christmas shopping. Even with the online shopping revolution (Amazon is my best friend!), I tend to agonize over selecting just the right gifts for those I love the most.

A Gift for Your Marriage?

As you ponder what to give your spouse this Christmas, let me suggest you think of it from a slightly different angle. Why not give a gift to your spouse that will help build your marriage? That's right, give your marriage a gift this Christmas.

What can you give your marriage? I believe that one of the best gifts you can give your marriage is the gift of a better sex life. [Tweet This]

Why Sex?

The main goal of every marriage is intimacy in every form (or if it isn't it should be!). God created sex as the deepest form of intimacy, and He set it up to be something unique to the relationship between husband and wife. That's His design. That's His desire. God likes sex.

A marriage where sexual intimacy is a struggle, or worse yet, is practically non-existent, is a marriage headed for trouble. Even when sex is good, there is always room to grow in sexual intimacy. No, I'm not saying marriage is all about sex. What I am saying is what many experts say. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. [Tweet This]

Here are just a few reasons to give the gift of sex this Christmas:

• Sex is unique.  It is the one thing that distinguishes your marriage from every other relationship in your life.
• Sex is powerful. A vibrant sex life can transform your marriage.
• Sex is essential. If your sex life is hurting, you need to work on it.
• Sex is beautiful. When it is working as it should, it creates a wonderful sense of well-being.
• Sex is a window. What's happening (or not) in your bedroom often points to what is happening (or not) in your marriage.
• Sex is holy. Physical intimacy is God's gift to couples. It is a celebration of the "one flesh" covenant you share with your spouse.
• Sex is worth it. It's not always easy to embrace the vulnerability that working on your sex life requires, but it is more than worth the effort.

December: A Month of Sex

This month I'll be doing a month-long series called "The Gift of Sex."

Each post will examine a different aspect of physical intimacy. Expect that I'll be challenging some of your current thinking on the topic. Expect that I'll be giving you some unique "gift" ideas. Expect that I'll be giving you some assignments and suggestions for how to improve  your sex life.

I'm kicking things off on Wednesday with a follow up to my wife's last post. Be sure to check out "The Gift of As You Wish in the Bedroom."

As part of this series, between now and Christmas, I'll also be doing weekly Freebie Friday giveaways, the first of which I'll announce on Friday. Stay tuned!

I'll also be covering some results from my recent poll, "Who Owns My Body," where I ask some questions around the verses of the Bible that say your spouse actually owns the rights to your body (1 Cor 7:3-4). If you haven't yet, it's not too late to take the survey now.

Finally, so as not to ignore the topic of non-sexual gifts, I'll be pointing you to some great posts by other marriage bloggers with tons of gift ideas for your spouse.

You don't want to miss any of this, so if you aren't a subscriber, click here and sign up to get my posts sent right to your inbox!

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Check out all the posts in the Gift of Sex series:

1. The Gift of "As You Wish" - in the Bedroom
2. Friday Freebie: Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage
3. The Gift of Yourself
4. The Gift of Passion
5. The Gift of More
6. The Gift of More Often
7. The Gift of More Engagement
8. The Gift of More Variety
9. The Gift of Sex: When Your Spouse Won't Give It

It's Freebie Friday!! See the end of this post for details!

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Guest Post by Sara Horn


Every marriage is different. But there are many similarities too. That’s why I sometimes have to smile when I’m talking with a wife who’s heard about my biblical submission experiment when I sent a year intentionally studying and living out what the Bible says about submission and applying it to my marriage.

I smile because there’s usually one of two common responses. The first wife will usually raise her eyebrows, physically step back (just in case this submission thing is catching) and say something like, “Well, that’s good for you but I could never do that.”

The second wife will also raise her eyebrows, but then she will step in closer and whisper (just in case anyone might hear), “Tell me more. I’m not sure I can do it, but I would really like to try.”

A Transformed Mind

I relate to both of those women. This summer, my husband Cliff and I will celebrate 16 years of life together. For the large majority of that time, I wanted nothing to do with “that submission thing.” Those verses in the New Testament where Paul talks about wives submitting to their husbands – some seriously out of date ideas, right? As an independent, strong woman, I had no desire to be a second fiddle, even to someone as caring and sweet as my Cliff.

We were partners, we did life 50/50, there was no need for this Follow the Leader marriage stuff. Besides, Cliff and I both recognized how different our personalities were – mine, Type A, his, Type B. God gave me leadership abilities so didn’t that also include my marriage?

These were the kind of thoughts I lived by until just a few years ago, when God really started to pull me deeper into not just reading His Word, but studying His Word. No longer was I just skimming – I hungrily wanted to apply it. I deeply desired to do what Romans 12:2 talks about – I didn’t want to conform to what the world says is right, but I flat out wanted to see my life transformed by God renewing, or changing, my mind to think His thoughts instead of being content with just my own. To see His plan over mine. To follow through with His will instead of giving into my choices and my wants. My marriage seemed to be where He wanted to start first.

After going through a year of applying some of the principles we find in Proverbs 31, and learning some life-changing lessons that changed my marriage and our family life in powerful ways, I knew it was time to face that word I’d ignored for so long.

Submission

Ephesians 5:22 reads, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord…” I like how the Message translation words it – “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.”

Of course, this isn’t easy. This isn’t a natural action for most of us – to put someone else first, or to consider his or her feelings or thoughts before our own. Not consistently. Not constantly. Maybe if we’re having a good day. Until we’re not.

Culture doesn’t help. To someone who doesn’t have a relationship with the Lord, or view the Bible as an authority, this concept sounds ridiculous. Even in our churches, we hesitate to bring the subject up – this isn’t exactly the topic of discussion most want to bring up in your small groups on Sunday mornings. Even pastors who are brave enough to preach about it from the pulpit can spend weeks afterwards recovering from the emails, letters and angry conversations their congregants or parishioners corner them with in the halls between services. How chauvinistic. How anti-woman. Right?

But biblical submission is talked about in the Bible and I believe that all Scripture is inspired by God and can be used, as 2 Timothy 3:16-17 points out, to teach us and correct us and inspire us for righteousness. So surely, there’s a lesson, an important truth we need to know and put into practice when it comes to biblical submission.

The Experiment

That’s what led me to the “experiment.” I call it an experiment because that word seems a little less permanent. What I found during that year were some pretty amazing changes in my life and ultimately in my marriage, and the biggest surprise of all were the changes that occurred in my husband –and not just in me.

Early on during that year, I realized my husband had questions and uncertainties about his role as a husband and a dad just as I did with being a wife and mom – I was just more vocal about it. (Yes, that’s the nice way of putting it.) Just like me, there were things he still needed to learn, but quite often, I made it all about me (except for the times I was pointing out what he wasn’t doing that I wished he would).

Some things needed to change if we were to apply biblical submission to our marriage. I began intentionally stepping back from always having the first opinion, or always being the first one to make a decision. I waited (not always an easy thing to do). I showed (most of the time) some patience as he might think over a decision we needed to make, and I resisted the urge to decide on my timetable instead of his. I asked more questions instead of rushing to decide something. I looked for ways to be a helper to him instead of a hounder – as in hounding him to do, say and be what I thought he should.

What I noticed after a little while of doing this is that we made better decisions together, and we were often more on the same page than not. We weren’t making decisions where one person had a very definite opinion (usually me) and the other person just went along (usually him). We talked more things out and came to common resolutions more often.

For his part, Cliff began actively leading our family more. He didn’t just leave things to me that he didn’t want to do. He also listened to my opinions more carefully, weighing them with his to make more informed and hopefully better decisions. I think he felt a lot more freedom to do that when I stepped back and wasn’t so eager to be the one to call the shots.

Love His Way

Biblical submission isn’t easy, but it’s also not impossible. It’s not an overnight event. First and foremost, it starts with a willingness to obey God. Romans 8:28 has been my life verse for many, many years and can also apply to marriage. “And we know, that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” When I show love towards my husband as an act of love towards my Heavenly Father, I know He works for my good. When I show love towards my husband the way God shows love towards me, I love His way.

If you’re a wife, struggling to figure out what biblical submission looks like, don’t start with your husband. Start with your submission to God first. And if you’re a husband, wishing your wife would be more submissive? Don’t start with your wife. Start with your own obedience to God. There is an incredibly strong connection between the two.

Sara Horn is a wife, a mom and the author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife, the sequel to My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife. She’s also the founder and president of Wives of Faith, a military wives ministry (wivesoffaith.org). Visit her at sarahorn.com, where you can subscribe to her blog and get a free download of her "30 Days to Love HIS Way" devotional.

(Click on the book to buy through my Amazon affiliate link and support this ministry)

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I'm giving away a copy of Sara's excellent book via Raffelcopter. There are a bunch of ways to increase your chance of being selected at random. Note that you can tweet about the giveaway once each day during the contest. If you win, you can choose either Kindle or paperback edition.

If you are reading this by email, you'll need to click on over to my blog to enter.

Win Sara Horn's Book

Who wouldn't want a little perfected lovemaking in their marriage?

Today I am pleased to have Julie Sibert posting about one of the many important topics  from the book she co-authored, Pursuit of Passion. Read on to find out more about what "perfected lovemaking" is and what it means for your marriage.

I'm also pleased to start a regular tradition I'm calling "Friday Freebies." This year, I'll be periodically doing giveaways (on Fridays, as the name indicates) featuring great resources and tools for your marriage.

See the end of Julie's post for today's giveaway details. My thanks to her for providing our first Friday Freebie.

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By Julie Sibert

“The camera never lies.”

Movie directors ride our dollars all the way to the bank on that one little phrase, especially when it comes to romantic dramas.  Who among us doesn’t love a good love story?

Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl go through angst.  Boy and girl find their way back to each other.

Happily. Ever. After.

In many of those romantic dramas, there are sometimes a few sex scenes thrown in as well.  Often, they are not even overtly sexual.  They discretely and flawlessly convey passion, love and pleasure, relying on the viewer’s imagination to fill in the blanks.

We are left with this idea of love perfectly played out in a physical way. Yes, that is what the movies often tell us about sex.

And then, of course, there’s what mama tells you about sex.  Or doesn’t tell you, depending on how your upbringing unfolded. Each of us could offer up a different version of the messages our parents conveyed to us about sex, but in Christian camps, those versions tend to migrate to one of two lines.

Along one line, sex is portrayed as a horrendous sin of which teens and young single adults best steer clear.  A big no-no.  Bad. Gross. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Along the other line, a lot of silence.  Sex is rarely or never discussed.  It is an elusive mystery, and all that silence seems to perpetually shroud it in shame, embarrassment and awkwardness.

Is it no wonder many of us stumble through puberty and right into adulthood without even our little toe standing on a solid foundation of accurate information about sex?

So we try to sort it out on our own, right?  Usually we do this with a fair amount of commentary from people who are as misinformed as we are.  It’s like navigating the relational landscape with a trail mix of half-truths, exaggerations, assumptions and crude jokes.

No surprise, we are left hungry.

Some people (including myself in my younger days) tried to fill that hunger by actually exploring the path of arousal and sex.

“If I’m turned on, is that a sign of love?”

“If I really like this person, should we have sex?”

“If we have sex, and we both seem to enjoy it, does that mean we have a future together?”

What a confusing and exhausting journey, compounded by the fact that learning about sex this way has become the societal norm.

But you know what the movies and mama (and your friends) never told you about sex?

That there is a difference between having sex, making love and perfected love making.  Of the three, it’s the last camp that should really pique your interest.  Only with perfected love making is God happily in the mix, willingly revealing to you authentic intimacy.

Sex isn’t just about a physical connection or even genuine emotional connection.  Certainly we can find plenty of examples among single people where there is a mix of those connections.  Sexual encounters that are purely physical may even be categorized as “just sex.”   Encounters where there also is a deep emotional connection may be thought of as “more than sex” or “making love.”

“So why should I care about perfected love making?” you may be wondering.

First of all, don't let that word “perfected” throw you into confusion.  This isn’t about being perfect.  Rather, it’s about embracing God’s vision for intimacy in your marriage.

Perfected love making is one of the many aspects of intimacy that my co-author and I explore in our new eBook Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. 

The reason we dig into it is because so many couples come into marriage with skewed sexual messages and experiences.  To say there are a lot of sexual struggles going on in many marriages would be an understatement.

We want married couples to embrace that no matter the skewed sexual messages or experiences they had coming into marriage, the Lord equips them to experience something authentically profound in their sexual intimacy.

Perfected Love Making is much more than how a couple feels physically and emotionally when they have sex. This only takes place completely where oneness is found – and that’s within the context of a God-ordained marriage.  PLM is distinctly different (and better!) than having sex or making love because those experiences lack the oneness that can be found only when a husband and a wife are covenantally united before God in marriage.

God definitely wants you having sex with your spouse that is passionate, pleasurable and abundant in love.  He offers you perfected love making that is far beyond the distorted or vague messages you may have heard from the movies, your mama, your friends or your past sexual encounters.

He is so generous in this regard!  He cares deeply about what is happening in your marriage bed.

What do you believe you and your spouse could do to embrace God’s vision for your intimacy?

Comment on this post by midnight Tuesday (January 21st) and you will be entered into a drawing for a Kindle copy of the eBook Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Be sure to check back on Wednesday, when the winner will be announced.

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Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.  You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who kind of wants to chew up the kitchen floor.

What does grace have to do with sex? Everything.


This is the fourth and final post in this series on helping your spouse to be secure in your love, based on part of the excellent new book by Dr. Tim Kimmel called Grace Filled Marriage. This is one of the best marriage books I've read in a long time.

To me, grace and love are the bookends of marriage. Both are essential for keeping your marriage aligned with God's plan for marriage, keeping you and your spouse close to each other, and keeping things in your marriage from toppling over. Grace Filled Marriage does a fantastic job of communicating the grace end of that message, and I highly recommend it for every married couple. You can buy it through my affiliate link by clicking on the book image at the bottom of this post, or by clicking here. Also see below for the details of how to win a free copy.

We are focusing on a part of the book that deals with one of our core human needs: the need to be secure in love. In the Introduction to this series, I explained how we all desire the security of knowing we are loved. (This is the first of Dr. Kimmel's three core human needs: security, significance and strength.) In Part Two I explained how your spouse feels more secure in your love when you accept them for who they are. Part Three emphasized our need to have affinity for our spouse's heart by caring about and engaging with the things that are important to them.

We are Designed to Need Physical Affection

Today I conclude with Dr. Kimmel's third key ingredient for making your spouse feel secure in your love: physical affection.

Of course affection can and should be shown in many non-physical ways, and these are important. But God designed our physical beings to crave the affection expressed through actual human contact. As Dr. Kimmel puts it:

Our hearts respond well to regular and generous helpings of affection. That’s because love grows much more secure when our spouse is lavish about giving and receiving meaningful touch.

Grace Filled Marriage p.72

The fact is, physical affection is a powerful agent for building secure love into our spouse. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing all add layer upon layer of security in the love within each other’s hearts. But these are all warm preliminaries compared to the ultimate display of affection in marriage—sex. (p. 73)

Grace Filled Sex

I've been reading and commenting on some posts on other blogs in response to a recent Relevant Magazine article, which exclaimed, in what I felt was a purposefully inflammatory title, that "Christians Are Not Called to Have Amazing Sex." You can probably guess that there are a lot of things in the article that I disagree with, but the bottom line for me is that I do believe it is God's intent and desire that every marriage be one in which physical intimacy thrives. Do look at it otherwise is to deny God's design for marriage.

I believe sex is an essential component of intimacy that should not be downplayed. It is wonderfully unique in that this is the one component of your marriage relationship that only you and your spouse can share. Of course sex should not be elevated to the point where it becomes an idol either, but if I had to guess, there are a whole lot more sex-starved marriage than sex-idol ones.

So what is the connection between sex and grace? You might be surprised how closely the two are linked:

What does grace have to do with sex? Everything. If anything, our sexual relationship is the litmus test on how serious we are about being an agent of God’s grace when it comes to our spouse. p. 74

Because of the intense vulnerability and raw emotions that sex brings about, it is probably one of the areas in marriage where grace is most called for.

Dr. Kimmel first explains what graceless sex looks like:

• Sex used for manipulation or to get what we want
• Sex as reward for "good behavior"
• Withholding sex as a form of punishment
• Viewing sex as an obligation rather than a privilege
• Demanding sex
• Defrauding sex by denying its rightful place

I don't need to expound much on these. I'm sure you've seen plenty of examples of graceless sex. If these are NOT how sex should fit into your marriage, what is the opposite?

Here's the bottom line of what grace-filled sex is, as explained by Darcey, Dr. Kimmel's wife:

Grace-filled intimacy is about giving with enthusiasm and receiving with joy. The more we align our hearts with God’s heart of grace, the more we can see the strategic role we play as an intimate partner with our spouse. God meant for our marriage bed to be a place of passion, joy, fun, adventure, and mutual satisfaction. And when the intimacy we enjoy  there is an extension of our gracious desire to meet each other’s needs, our love grows  secure. (p.82)

Perfectly said. Amen!

A Secure Love Challenge

Have you given some thought to my question from the Introduction to the series? What would your marriage be like if neither you nor your spouse ever had any doubts about the fact that you are truly, deeply loved by one another? Ponder it. I'm willing bet it's impact would be significant.

In wrapping up this short series on Grace Filled Marriage, I hope I've helped convince you of the important role of grace in marriage, and more specifically how important it is to help your husband or wife be secure in your love. (I also hope I've convinced you to go get this great book! Again, you can get it on through my Amazon affiliate program by clicking on the book image below.)

Let me issue a challenge to you. Consider the three ways I've described in this series to help your spouse feel secure in your love.

1. Accepting and appreciating who your spouse is at the core of their being
2. Embracing and participating in the things that are important to your spouse
3. Showing consistent affection, primarily through sexual intimacy, but also in other ways

Identify the one you feel you have the most to improve on. Now, make a specific plan for what you are going to do differently in the next week to make your spouse more secure in your love.

As a bonus, give yourself a little accountability and extra motivation by leaving a comment below with your planned area for improvement. You don't have to share your specific plan, unless you want to.

The winner of the "31 Days to Great Sex" giveaway is Curt:

Curt said...

I think that they are all equally important because they are all a part of the plan to become closer to God. Physically and emotionally connecting with each other in the marriage bed as He intended helps to fulfill the spiritual aspect and bring us closer to him. If any of the three are removed or not given equal importance, we risk not participating fully in His plan for us.

December 2, 2012 1:34 PM  

Congratulations Curt. Please email me through the contact tab on my website to claim your free e-book!

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Thanks to all who left a comment on the question: "Which is the most important aspect of sexual intimacy: physical, emotional or spiritual." You should definitely go back and check out the wide variety of answers.

I would say there was no clear consensus, except that, in general, all three dimensions are important. And they all are.

If you didn't win, you can still get your copy of "31 Days to Great Sex" now.

Sorry this resource is no longer available. 

For my latest free offer, click here.

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Don't miss out on two important chances to enhance the intimacy in your marriage!

Free E-Book

First, in case you missed it, my new e-book, The 14-Day Intimacy Challenge, is available for free in PDF form. The terrific resource for building intimacy gives you three daily challenges: something to think about, something to act upon, and a question to ask your spouse.

Hundreds participated in my online 14-day challenge.   The response was so positive that I decided to offer a convenient digest in e-book form for those who may have missed it. There is a separate edition for wives and husbands.

You get it free when you sign up for my Pathways monthly email newsletter.

Pathways

The first edition of my Pathways newsletter will be coming out in less than a week. Don't miss it!

Now is the time to sign up to receive insightful thoughts, tips, teaching and testimonies, all relating the the intimacy in your marriage. Whether you are looking to enhance emotional, spiritual or physical intimacy, this publication is for you.

The purpose of Pathways is to keep your marriage headed down the Path of Intimacy  Whether you took the Intimacy Challenge or not, this is a resource you don't want to miss.

Yes, it’s now seriously time to get your romance on!

Valentine’s Day is a week away, and some of you are still thinking, “I’m still not sure what I’m going to do.” You’ve got plenty of time to plan something special. This post will help!

Some of you are thinking, “We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, anyway.” Let me suggest that this year be the year you start!

And some of you are thinking (talking mostly to husbands here), “I’m not really the romantic type.” That’s a lousy excuse for not giving your lovely wife the romance she so craves and deserves!

Read on for some great resources for the romantically impaired!


We had a great response to our Romantic Dinner Giveaway Contest! In total there were 483 entries! Thanks to all of you who “liked” my new Facebook page, followed me on Twitter, joined our mailing list, tweeted the contest, or wrote about their romantic experiences on the contest post or on my FB page.

The winner of the random number drawing is number 199.
Number 199 turned out to be:
Lindsay, whose Twitter follow entry was selected, has been contacted to claim her prize of a $75 Amex gift card. Congratulations! Enjoy dinner on me this Valentine's Day.

Now, I am happy to also announce, as a special bonus, an unadvertised consolation prize. I have decided to present an award for most diligent contestant to Eunice B, who entered the contest every way possible, including tweeting about it every single day of the contest (my apologies to her Twitter followers!). Eunice and her husband will receive a $25 gift card as my way of saying thanks for trying so hard.


If you read the memorable romantic stories that readers shared, you’ll notice that many of them were not necessarily hugely involved or expensive. You really can see in these stories the old adage that it’s the thought that counts.

So as you peruse the romantic idea web links below, keep in mind that what you really want is to convey your heart of love for your spouse. Ask yourself this question: what is the most sincere way to say “I love you” to him or her. The answer is probably not the most expensive or most elaborate of all the possibilities. It’s the one that expresses your heart.

So without further ado, here are some resources I’ve searched out and compiled for your convenience:

14 Ways to Say I Love You - The CoupleThings Blog has a great list of 14 romantic ideas split up into three parts: Part 1, Part 2  and Part 3.

Write a Love Letter - Write her (or him) a letter or card that says how much you love her (or him). Here’s a link for husbands who need a little help with how to write a love letter: one from The Art of Manliness blog.)  and one from The Generous Husband.  Something you create using your own words has much more meaning than a five dollar store-bought card.

Take Note - If writing an entire love letter is too daunting for you, try communicating your love with little notes, either passing them to her (or him)  directly during the day or leaving them stuck around  for her (or him) find.  The posts on this idea come from Romantic Act of the Day.

How Do I Love Thee - Tell her how much you want to learn to love her/him well and ask her/him to take the 5 Love Languages Assessment  with you. Talk about the results and some ways to express love that would be most meaningful.

There's an App for That - If you have an iphone, go get the Romantic Vineyard iphone App  for one or both of you. It’s free and the marriage tips and romantic questions are great.

Breakfast in Bed - Here is a post from the Generous Husband on how to go about serving a romantic breakfast, and here is a “how to” video for those who need a little more explicit instruction. Here are some recipe ideas from Real Simple  and Recipe4Living. As for what you do after you are finished dining, that's up to you.

Of course, if you have a desire to do something a little more extravagant, check out my growing list of Romantic Ideas.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this post from Marriage Gems, entitled How to Have a Special Valentine’s Day – 


So now you have no excuse not to show your spouse a little love on Valentine's Day.  Have fun planning it and, most of all, enjoy pouring your love out on one another!



Did you know that Journey to Surrender now has a Facebook page! It’s got lots of extra  marriage-related stuff like videos, links, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. Come on over and let’s meet up!

Journey to Surrender is excited to announce a contest in honor of the upcoming holiday of love.

The winner of the random drawing will be able to celebrate with a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for two, compliments of Journey to Surrender, using a $75.00 American Express Dining Gift Card.

If you are looking for some other ideas for your Valentine's Day celebration, check all our Romantic Ideas.  More ideas coming soon!

Also be sure to check the stories in the comments below for some more great romantic ideas from our readers!!

There are a bunch of ways to enter the drawing, each of which increases your chances of being chosen in the random drawing, and each of which helps get the word out about Journey to Surrender. Use them all!

1) Did you know that Journey to Surrender now has a Facebook page!  There you'll find extra content like marriage-related videos, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog.  So head over and like Journey to Surrender on Facebook for one contest entry. (Click on the "Like" button at the top of the page next to the header.)

2) If you don't already, you can Subscribe to Journey to Surrender by Email for another entry in the contest (new subscribers only). This year I'll be offering some occasional bonus content just to my email subscribers.  But don't worry, your email address will NEVER be shared with ANYONE.  Be sure to validate your subscription via email from Feedburner.

3) Follow me on Twitter @MarriageJourney.  Click the button below for one entry into the drawing. Sorry, new followers only will be entered.

4) Tweet about Journey to Surrender and this contest to your friends and followers by clicking the button below:
Tweet the contest as many times as you like, but only one entry per person per day will be registered in the drawing.  (Note: if your tweets are protected, I won't see them unless I follow you on Twitter. I will make a return follow request to as many new followers as I can, but there may be a delay.) 

5) Bonus #1:  leave a comment below telling us about your own romantic Valentine’s Day experience and get five entries in the contest.  One comment entry per person.  Anonymous entries will not be entered in the contest.

6) Bonus #2: leave a comment on the wall of our Facebook page telling us about your own romantic Valentine’s Day experience and get five entries in the contest.  One Facebook entry per person. This can be the same story or a different story as Bonus #1.

Contest closes at midnight, February 5th and the winner will be announced here on February 7th.  The winner will also be contacted by Twitter direct message, Facebook Message, or email, depending on where the winning entry came from. 

Spread the word!!