Journey to Surrender

Love is not simply an emotion you feel. It’s something you choose to wear.

Today's Friday Favorite comes in honor of "The Day of Love" - Valentine's Day.

Sadly, the word "love" is so much overused today that it's lost most of its meaning. Valentines Day marketers make it even worse. In this season, it seems especially important to consider what love actually means, and, more importantly, how we show love.

Today I'm revisiting two posts I wrote as part of my "Dress for Success" series, based on the Colossians 3:9-14 passage that describes how we are to put on our "new self," adorning ourselves with things like patience, kindness, and humility. The New Living Translation of this passage concludes with how we are to put on love above all else:

The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Col 3:14 (NLT)

But what does it mean to "put on love?" Read on...

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Did you ever think of love as something you choose to put on, something you wear on purpose?

I love that image, because it refutes the notion that love is just something you feel or don’t feel, a giddy emotion that might be there one day and gone the next.  When you limit love to an emotion, it makes it fickle and fleeting. And if this is love, then it is easy to put the onus of “staying in love” on our partner and their behavior.

When you think of love as something you wear on a daily basis it completely changes the game. It becomes a personal choice.

Where Do You Learn to Wear Love?

How do you put on love? Let me point you to a fabulous piece of advice from scripture. It’s one that I quote often around here:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

Love like that - like Jesus. Yeah, that’s it. He is where you learn to love. Extravagant. Selfless. Giving everything for the sake of intimacy with us. He held nothing back tp pursue His bride. Neither should we hold back in pursuing our spouse.

I’m not kidding about how important getting to know Jesus' love is! The best way to put on love is to put on Jesus. And to do that, you have to know him and be a student of his love.  Here's how the Apostle Paul sums it up a few chapters earlier.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV)

The key to fullness in life is also the key to fullness in marriage. Paul makes it clear in this passage that we cannot fully know the dimensions of Christ’s love. It’s a lifelong pursuit. Don’t assume you get it. You don’t. I don’t. We can't. It’s impossible. There is always much more that can be revealed to our “inner being” by the Holy Spirit.

Ten Ways to Dress Yourself with Love

Before I give my list, be aware that your spouse’s love languages play into this greatly (see suggestion one!). What looks like a really nice love outfit to you is likely not the same to your spouse. To wear love well, you have to be a student not only of Jesus and how he loves, but of your husband or wife and what love means to them. This is HUGELY important!

1. Take the five love languages quiz together if you haven’t already. Do something specific this week to meet your spouse’s top need.
2. If you are a lower drive wife, pursue your husband by wearing something sexy to bed or by initiating sex. Husbands, pursue your wife by asking her on a date and making all the arrangement or paying her genuine compliments on her appearance, character or deeds. See more pursuit tips on this post.
3. Choose to make a sacrifice of your own preference in order to honor your spouse’s preference, like picking a movie they would rather watch or a restaurant they would rather go to. But don't play the martyr! See the Relevant Magazine article: What does Laying Down Your Life Really Mean? 
4. Do something to serve your husband or wife. Do a chore of theirs they’ve been meaning to get to for a while. Serve him or her breakfast in bed. Thank your spouse for something her or she did to selflessly serve you recently. 
5. Put your love down on paper. By this I mean write a love letter (not in an email, but using real paper, written by hand). Do it out of the blue, for no special reason except to convey your love. Husbands without the gift of prose can check this link from The Art of Manliness. Here is a link of suggestions for wives from The Intimate Couple.
6. Share the gift of non-sexual touch. Hold hands. Walk arm in arm. Hug. Give a neck or foot massage while you are watching TV. Be generous with your touch.
7. Ask an intimate question and be ready to really listen. Husbands, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel unloved?”  Wives, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel disrespected?”
8. Give public praise to your spouse. Brag on him or her in front of others. Post a picture of something great they did on Facebook. Tweet your undying devotion. See my post: The Power of Public Praise.
9. Practice listening well. Make eye contact. Be empathetic. Don’t try to fix everything, but be willing to just be a compassionate shoulder.
10. Say "I love you"!!  Regularly tell your spouse how much you love and adore him or her. Say it often. Don’t assume they know. And say specifically why!

Of course this list is only a small starting point. Hopefully it got your own creative juices flowing and you will be able to come up with many more ways to put on love for your spouse.

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Let me leave you with an amazing YouTube video story of how discovering the meaning of love through encountering Jesus' love and grace restored on couple's marriage.


Can't see the video? Click here.

Grace is an invitation to intimacy!

Today I’m concluding my “Dress for Success” series.  We’ve been looking at the “new clothes” we have in our wardrobe that we can choose to “put on” for the benefit of our marriages.

These new clothes are described in Colossians 3. (You can click the links to see the other posts in this series):

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience … And above all these, put on love.

Colossians 3:12,14

Between these two verses we find this instruction in verse 13:

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13

For the sake of the series, I am calling this putting on grace.

The Power of Grace

Did you know that grace is actually an invitation to intimacy?

God extended grace to us through the death of his Son, Jesus, so that we could have intimacy with him forever. Forgiveness was not the goal. Forgiveness was the path to intimacy with God.

It’s the same in marriage.

When faced with the choice to forgive your spouse or not, remember that unforgiveness means separation and forgiveness means intimacy. It’s really that simple.

Don’t let your desire to be right outweigh your desire to be close to your husband or wife!

Let me remind you of the scripture from the Put on Love post in this series.We are called to love like Jesus. His love was not cautious, but extravagant.

Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

Bearing with One Another

I believe this verse goes beyond our need to put on grace in the form of forgiveness when we are wronged. I believe it extends to loving our spouses beyond their weaknesses.

The New Living Translation of Col 3:13 says we are to “make allowance for each other's faults.”

Putting on grace means seeing your spouse through God’s eyes. That’s not easy. We aren’t God. But the truth is that we have been given a new nature in Christ, and that means we can choose to put on grace whenever we want to.

You have faults and weaknesses. Your spouse has faults and weaknesses. How much better would your marriage be if you both chose to focus on each others strengths and assets and disregarded each other’s weaknesses. I’m not talking about tolerating them. I’m talking about looking beyond them, into the very soul of the person you are married to, and seeing them for who they really are.

I’m telling you, the difference would be amazing.

Are you ready to put on grace for the sake of your marriage and to lay aside offense and unforgiveness? Do you have a story of grace in your own marriage? Share it in the comments!



Want to learn more about how to have a grace-full marriage? Check out this series:

• A Grace-Full Marriage
• The Big But!
• Beware the Toxic Mixture
• Does Grace Mean Not Caring?

“Lord, please teach me patience, and RIGHT NOW!”

Yeah, we laugh at this funny prayer for patience, but it’s actually pretty close to how we often seek patience, isn’t it?

So often we think of patience as something to fight through, as if it’s trial by fire. Patience is often viewed negatively, but I have another view of patience that is altogether different.

This is part six in my series, “Dress for Success.” (It started back here if you need to catch up.) We are looking at the kinds of things you can choose to “put on” that will bless your marriage. These are the new clothes of the new you – as a new creation in Christ.

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with…patience

(Col 3:9-12NIV)

A whole new take on patience

In our modern, rush-about, instant-everything world, patience is not very highly valued and little pursued. Sure, we try to have patience for things that get in our way or slow our pace. We strive not to be impatient with a spouse who isn’t pulling their weight or giving us what we think we deserve. We wait in queues, straining to see what in the world the hold up in front of us is.

But what if we were to turn our view of patience on its head? What if patience were to be more than passive acquiescence to our circumstances? What if we got a whole new way to look at it? Try this:

I realize putting hope and joy together with patience is a little radical. But stick with me.

Patience in Your Marriage

Keep in mind that patience is a fruit of the Spirit and an important Kingdom principle. Patience is available to every believer who would choose to consciously put it on.

In your marriage, when you go through the normal ups and downs of life, you can put on patience with yourself and your spouse.  If you eagerly anticipate more of whatever it is you lack in your marriage instead of grumbling to yourself and just waiting it out, you’ll find that times of waiting can actually be joyful.

No kidding.

Enjoy the Preparation Time

My wife is a tea person, so in her honor I’ll go with the tea analogy. (I’m strictly a coffee drinker myself, but I've made enough tea in my life to know the ins and outs.)  In order to enjoy an excellent, delicious cup of tea, you have to prepare it properly.  Consider two scenarios:

Scenario 1: Boring, Impatient Tea – Dump some tap water into the closest available mug, slap it into the microwave to get it hot, all the while drumming your fingers on the counter top as you watch the timer tick down.  At the beep, dunk in a teabag enough to darken the water. Then drink.

Scenario 2: Tea with Joyful Anticipation – Get some good filtered water and fill the tea kettle. Turn on the heat while you look over your selection of fine teas, imagining the taste of each, and select just the right one for your mood or food. Pick a fine china tea cup from your collection, open the tea pouch and take a delicious whiff before setting the bag into the cup. You hear the water begin rolling, but you know a full boil is required for proper tea, so you wait the extra ten seconds for the pot to whistle loudly. Now you are close. You can almost taste it already as you gently pour the boiling water into the cup with the bag. But it’s still not quite time. You have to let it steep until a full rich color emerges in the cup. Almost there. Now add a dash of sugar and a bit of milk, all to your precise liking, and give it a gentle stir. The aroma is rising from the cup now, and you are eager, but you need one more minute to let it cool just a bit (but not too much) to the perfect drinking temperature.

Honestly, whether your drink tea or not, which tea do you think tastes better? Which will be enjoyed more?

It’s not all that different in the seasons of waiting and wanting in your marriage. Think if these as preparation times – times to enjoy the process of growing your marriage into all it can be and zealously anticipating the day of fulfillment.

5 Ways to Let Your Marriage Steep

There are a few things you can do to help turn your seasons of patience from a necessary evil into a hopeful longing and joyful anticipation.  Here are a few I came up with:

1. Realize that God is FOR your marriage. Not just marriage in general, but your particular marriage. His desire it to see it be all it can be in the realms of intimacy, passion and fulfillment. He is more than able to do it.
2. Be thankful for all you do have. Whatever you focus on will grow. Concentrate on the good, downplay the bad. Deliberately shift your focus.
3. Be open to change. It might be that even though you are waiting on your husband or wife to change, God may want to work a change in you too (or maybe instead).
4. Give yourself generously. Our tendency during times of lack from our spouse is to withdraw and withhold until we get what we want. This tact never works. In fact, it puts your marriage in a downward spiral that I call the Path of Separation. Instead, give yourself unselfishly in the way your spouse desires, without expectation of getting in return.
5. Pray and worship. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus instead of the problem at hand. It’s amazing how small difficulties can become in the light of who God is. Enjoy him, enjoy his presence, and hear his heart for you and your marriage. Ask him what he wants of you in this season of waiting. Hearing his voice changes everything.

My list is just a starting point. I’d love to hear your ideas. How do you deal with the seasons in your marriage that require patience? What tips can you give my readers on fostering joyful anticipation?Leave a comment.

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A heart of compassion says "We can do this together."

We’re kicking off the new year talking about your new wardrobe for 2013. It’s the new set of actions and attitudes that God calls us to put on in Colossians 3 in light of our new nature, which we received when we believed in Christ.

These new "clothes" can give a fantastic boost to your marriage if you will only choose to wear them.

Today we are talking about putting on compassion.

What is Compassion?

The word used in Col 3:11 is variably translated into compassion (NKJ, NIV) tenderhearted mercy (NLT), mercies (KJV), and tenderhearted pity and mercy (AMP).

In the Greek, the word is Oiktirmos, which to me is best translated as “a heart of compassion.” I think Webster’s cuts to the chase when it defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” That’s exactly what it means to have a heart of compassion for your spouse:

Stress Response

I don’t know about you, but when I’m distressed I get kind of “prickly,” as my wife calls it. I give curt answers, I get impatient and easily frustrated, and I'm sometime even angry. Different people react differently to stress. Maybe yours is typically fear, sadness, withdrawal, anger or some other negative emotion.

What about your spouse? How does he or she normally act when under stress? And when that happens, how do you typically respond?

Because people’s distress reactions are not very attractive, our response is often either to pull away (in self protection) or to strike back if we feel (often wrongly) that our spouse’s negative emotions are directed toward us.

But we are called to something greater. Rather than wearing reactivity when your spouse is in distress, we are called to put on compassion.

Compassion in Marriage

It’s not always easy to put on compassion. Why is it sometimes harder to be compassionate toward those that are closest to us? It’s often easier to have compassion for friends, acquaintance, or even a total stranger.

I think one reason it is so hard is that we react by wanting to change our spouse’s stress reaction rather than help alleviate their distress. “He shouldn’t be so short with me; I haven’t done anything.”  “She shouldn’t be so cold toward me when I’m not the one who spoke harshly her.”  “Why does he always shut down when work gets hard?” “There’s no reason for her to cry over something so small.”

Rather than trying to help them deal with the cause of their distress, we want to change them. Clue: it doesn’t work.

Here are some things to do that work much better:

• Learn to recognize your spouse’s natural stress reaction. Chances are it’s often the same kind of behavior in response to a variety of stresses.
• Remember that when they express negative emotions at you, there is usually something else going on. It’s not really about you.
• Put on a “sympathetic consciousness” of your spouse’s distress. The kind of things that distress them may not be distressful to you, but you don’t get to decide on the validity of their distress. To them it is real.
• Draw closer. Yeah, that’s a hard one, especially if their negative emotions are unattractive and even hurtful. Remember that you are still one, and drawing away ultimately hurts you too.
• Express kindness (see my last post for more on that). Kindness changes the atmosphere in your home and marriage.
• Ask what you can do to alleviate their distress. You may not be able to fix it or solve their dilemma, but let them know they are in it with them, that you are on their side and that you want to face it together.
• Most importantly, speak truth. It’s sometimes hard to recall the truths of God when we are under stress. One of God’s great purpose for the marriage partnership is for us to remind each other of God’s promises, his power, his faithfulness in all things, and his unconditional love.

So are you ready to put on compassion next time your spouse is under stress?


We had some great stories of kindness on my last post. Let’s hear your compassion stories! When has your spouse shown you compassion? How did it change things for you? Leave a comment!


Did you miss any of the previous posts in this series? Here are the links to get you caught up:

1. Dress for Success - Introduction
2. Put on Love (Part 1)
3. Put on Love (Part 2)
4. Put on Kindness

Next in the series: Put on Patience

What is the best kind of kindness?

We’ve been talking about your new wardrobe for 2013. New clothes for the new you!

No, not pants, shirts and skirts. We are talking about the actions and attitudes that God calls us to “put on” in Colossians 3 in light of our new nature in Christ.

It just so happens that it is a great list of things to wear for your marriage!

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with…kindness

Col 3:9-12 (NIV)

How to Put on Kindness

Do me a favor. Think to yourself. What are the first five or so words that come to your mind when you think of kindness? Go ahead, take the ten seconds you need to do this.

Now, think again. (I know I’m asking a lot of you to make you think twice in a single blog post). Think of your daily interactions with your husband or wife. What are the five (or so) words that best describe how you engage with your spouse?

Now compare these two lists of words. Find any similarities?

In case you are stuck (or lazy) here are some dictionary words to consider:

• sympathetic
• affectionate
• loving
• gentle
• forbearing
• giving pleasure or relief

What I’m trying to get you to think about is whether kindness is part of the daily routine in your marriage. Is it?

You see, the best kind of kindness is the kind you wear daily.

My challenge to you is to deliberately do something kind every day for your husband or wife. Each day, think of at least one act of kindness (action or spoken) you can do for your spouse. Plan it and do it. If it helps, scan through my dictionary list above or write down your own list. It will help give you ideas.

Hint: I especially like that last idea. Each day, simply think of something that would give your spouse pleasure or relief/help. (PS for men: there is such a thing as pleasure that doesn’t involve sex!)

Here are a few examples of little kindnesses to get you thinking (there I go again with the thinking - strike three).

• Bring them a cup of tea or coffee while they are getting ready for their day.
• Offer a short neck or foot rub while you are watching TV together
• Prepare their favorite meal (even if it isn’t your favorite)
• Stop in and get their favorite treat or snack next time you get gas
• Lend an unprompted hand with a daily chore (dishes, dinner, laundry, yard work, kid’s bath or bedtime).
• Ask before you leave for work, “How can I pray for you today?” (then do it!)
• Pay a specific, honest compliment to one of the physical feature you most admire about them (or their chosen outfit or perfume/cologne).

You see kindness doesn’t have to involve big things. Much better are small things done with great  consistency.

You may be reluctant to give kindness to your spouse because they don’t typically give it back. To you, let me say that the more kindness you give, the more likely you are to see it in return. It’s a reaping and sewing thing. Withholding kindness will reap more unkindness.  But regular acts of kindness will change the atmosphere of your marriage. It is the best way to produce more kindness.

So, are you ready to commit to daily kindness?

Let’s hear it! What is the last kind thing (big or small) that your spouse did for you? What is the last kind thing you did for your spouse? Leave a comment.


Next in the series: Put on Compassion

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What does it mean to put on love?

I promised last time that I would continue with a few practical suggestions for how you can "put on love."  It is what we are called to do in Col 3:14. In case you missed that post, here’s a reminder:

"The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony." (Col 3:14 NLT)

Want harmony in your marriage? Put on love!

Putting on love is not donning fake emotions or trying to wamp it up when you don’t feel it. Putting on love is a decision to give of yourself, generously and frequently, no matter what.

Ten Ways to Dress Yourself with Love

Here is the promised list of tips for putting on love. Before I give the list, though, be aware that your spouse’s love languages play into this greatly (see suggestion one!). What looks like a really nice love outfit to you is likely not the same to your spouse. To wear love well, you have to be a student not only of Jesus and how he loves, but of your husband or wife and what love means to them. This is HUGE!

1. Take the five love languages quiz together if you haven’t already. Do something specific this week to meet your spouse’s top need.
2. Pursue your husband by wearing something sexy to bed or by initiating sex. Pursue your wife by asking her on a date and making all the arrangement or paying her genuine compliments on her appearance. More pursuit tips on this post.
3. Choose to make a sacrifice of your own preference in order to honor your spouse’s preference, like picking a movie they would rather watch or a restaurant they would rather go to. But don't play the martyr!
4. Do something to serve your husband or wife. Do a chore of theirs they’ve been meaning to get to for a while. Serve him or her breakfast in bed.
5. Put your love down on paper. By this I mean write a love letter (not in an email, but using real paper, written by hand). Do it out of the blue, for no special reason except to convey your love. Husbands without the gift of prose can check this link from The Art of Manliness. Here is a link of suggestions for wives from The Intimate Couple.
6. Share the gift of non-sexual touch. Hold hands. Walk arm in arm. Hug. Give a neck or foot massage while you are watching TV. Be generous with your touch.
7. Ask an intimate question and be ready to really listen. Husbands, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel unloved?”  Wives, ask “Is there anything I do that makes you feel disrespected?”
8. Give public praise to your spouse. Brag on him or her in front of others. Post a picture of something great they did on Facebook. Tweet your undying devotion.
9. Practice listening well. Make eye contact. Be empathetic. Don’t try to fix everything, but be willing to just be a compassionate shoulder.
10. Say it!!  Regularly tell your spouse how much you love and adore him or her. Say it often. Don’t assume they know. And say specifically why!

Of course this list is only a small starting point. Hopefully it got your own creative juices flowing and you will be able to come up with many more ways to put on love for your spouse.

Help my readers!  Leave a comment with your own specific ideas on how you put on love for your husband or wife!

In truth, the rest of this series is also about putting on love in various ways. Kindness, patience, forgiveness, etc. are all expressions of love. So be sure to come back for the rest of the series. Better yet, sign up to get my posts sent directly to your inbox by entering your email address below (will not be shared with anyone, ever).

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Next in the series: Put on Kindness

A Brand New Wardrobe is Yours!  For Free!

It is that time of year when many of us will reflect on 2012 and start thinking ahead to 2013. The coming New Year gives us all time to consider a fresh start.

Whether you make resolutions for 2013 or not, chances are there are things that you want to improve or change next year. I’m hoping that among those is a desire to improve your marriage. No matter how your marriage is today, there is always room to grow.

Today I’m kicking off a series, “Dress for Success,” which will challenge you to consider a new wardrobe for the new year. The great news about this new wardrobe is that it is yours absolutely free.

Dressing for the New You

Want some more great news? You’re dead!

That’s right. The Bible tells us believers that “You died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Col 3:3)  The old self is dead and gone, dealt with forever! What a relief!

Through the death and resurrection of Jesus, you and I are completely made new. We don’t have to struggle to renew ourselves because we have already been made into the righteousness of Christ (Phil 3:9). It’s a done deal.

I don’t need to resolve to “be a better person” in 2013. I already am! I don’t have to strive to “be a better husband” in 2013; I just need to walk fully in the new nature that has been given to me in Jesus. My new nature includes all that I need to be the husband my wife needs.

However, I do need to consider what dress is appropriate for this new me. I have to consider what I should “put on” and what I should “take off.”

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Col 3:9-10

How to Dress for Your Marriage

This concept of how you choose to clothe yourself relates directly to your marriage.

The third chapter of Colossians describes some of the things we should refuse to wear, such as sexual sin, greed, anger, lying, and slander.  Toss out these old clothes! It then goes on to describe our new wardrobe – one befitting our new nature. 

“Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with…”

• tenderhearted mercy
• kindness
• humility
• gentleness
• patience.
• make allowance for each other's faults
• forgive the person who offends you

The passage then concludes, “The most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.” (Col 3:12-14 NLT)

The most amazing part of this whole thing is that this new wardrobe has already been provided to us completely free of charge. All we have to do is choose to put it on! It is not a matter of striving and struggling. Simply choose to put on that which has already been provided!

So what does it look like to “dress for success” in your marriage? I find it fascinating and not a bit coincidental that these verses in Colossians 3 come right before Paul's admonitions for marriage just a few verses later (husbands loving their wives and wives living in submission to their husbands). Clearly, how we "dress" directly and profoundly affects our marriage.

In the coming posts, I’ll be unpacking (pun intended) some of these new clothes that Colossians 3 describes.

Wouldn't you love some new clothes to wear in 2013?


Next up in the series: Put on Love