Journey to Surrender

The best sex happens when you both start looking at sex as a wonderful privilege.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.  The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

1 Cor 7:3-4 NLT

Have you ever heard anyone preach a sermon on this scripture? I would guess not.

Giving authority over your body to your spouse? Taking personal responsibility to see that your spouse's sexual needs are met? That's some pretty scary stuff Paul is laying out here.

Check out The Message version. I feel like it gets at the heart of what Paul is trying to say:

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Survey Says...

I did a survey a while back to find out what people thought about these verses. To my surprise, 93% of people said they agree or agree strongly that these verses still apply to marriages today. In the same survey, 88% agreed or agreed strongly that they were the one responsible for their spouse's sexual satisfaction, with very little difference between men and women respondents.

So why are so many marriage suffering from a lack of sexual fulfillment? Only half of the people who took my survey were satisfied with their sex lives. (Side note: people who take sex surveys are generally more sex positive than the population in general, so I suspect the real dissatisfaction numbers are significantly higher).

I think a lot of the dissatisfaction has to do with how we view our sexual relationship.

Most couples are not evenly matched when it comes to sex drive. My own poll found that less than 10% of couples see themselves as having equal drive. Depending on whether you are the higher drive or lower drive spouse you might be tempted toward one of two views of sex: right or duty.

Sex as a Right

A higher drive spouse might read 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 and say they have the right to obtain sexual fulfillment with his or her spouse. This right extends so far as to include husband and wife each having authority over the other's body. So does a high drive spouse have the right to demand sex?

Well, that may be technically true, but demanding sex because you have a right to it is not very likely to lead to sexual fulfillment. It certainly is not going to produce genuine sexual intimacy in your marriage. It is not an expression of love and will not lead to lovemaking.

Sex as a Duty

If you are a wife or husband with a lower sex drive than your spouse, and you have read the Scripture above, you might be tempted to look at sex as a duty. In fact, the NIV translation of this passage uses that exact phrasing. "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." So is sex a duty?

Well, again, that may be semantically true. But viewing sex with your spouse simply as a duty is not going to provide much sexual satisfaction for your spouse - or for you. Duty sex is pretty easy to detect. In fact, many would rather forgo sex if their spouse is only going to give it to them out of obligation.

Sex as  a Privilege

So if we should not view sex either as a right or as a duty, how should we look at it?

Let me suggest instead that you think of sex a privilege.

A privilege is "a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people... something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure."

For the spouse on the lower drive side of things, start to move from thinking "I have to" toward thinking "I get to." Take delight in the unique privilege you have to provide sexual pleasure to your spouse.

For the higher drive spouse, rather than focusing on the the sex your aren't having, start focusing on and finding enjoyment in the sex you are having. Rather than concentrating what your spouse is not doing for you sexually, consider ways to provide for his or her non-sexual needs; not in order to manipulate them into giving you more sex, but out of a heart of love and serving.

Think of sex as a celebration of your love and an area for finding creative ways to express your delight in one another. If you are all he/she gets, don't you want to be all he/she ever wants? It's your love life; make it a great one.

The best sex happens when you both start seeing sex as the wonderful privilege it is, designed by God to foster the deepest intimacy in your relationship. Sex is the only kind of intimacy that you can enjoy with your spouse alone.

How might you approach sex with your spouse differently this week in light of the beautiful privilege that it is designed to be?

When life's challenges press in on your spouse, you can be the haven they need. 

I would rather spend time with my darling wife, Jenni, than anyone else on the planet. When life gets crazy, difficult, stressful or frustrating, she is a haven for me.

What does it mean to be a haven for your spouse? Dictionary.com describes a haven as a place of shelter, safety, refuge, or asylum. A haven is also a safe harbor for a ship in distress.

Wouldn't you like to be a haven for your spouse when life gets challenging for him or her? You can be.

Here the ways in which my wife has been a haven for me recently through a stressful and difficult season.

Refuse to Withdraw

A natural response to a spouse whose stress comes out as what my wife calls "prickly" would be to withdraw. But Jenni has learned over the years that I actually need her during these times, despite my sometimes gruff disposition. She's gotten pretty good at hanging in there and maintaining connection, even when it isn't necessarily easy.

Show Affection

Although I may not act like it, I actually want affection from Jenni, even when I'm in a bad mood. Admittedly that can be difficult for her, because my prickliness is not at all attractive. Plus, I may not respond immediately to her attempts to show affection through kindness, concern, empathy and even physical affection. But when she shows me love and grace, it has a big impact on my mental and emotional state.

Speak Truth

Jenni will often remind me of who I am, what my strengths are and what God's calling on my life is. She helps me defeat the lies of the enemy by reminding me of the greater truth, despite what may be true in my current circumstances. She also is good at reminding me who God is, even when i can't necessarily see it for myself. She is great at calling me to "higher ground" when I might otherwise stay in the pit.

In addition to the things above, which I also try to do for her, I asked Jenni to describe other ways in which I provide a haven for her when she is having a hard time. These are the things she came up with.

Watchfulness

Jenni described my efforts to guard and protect her from over-extending herself as "extreme watchfulness." Because she is naturally a tremendously giving person, she can have a tendency to pour herself out to the point of exhaustion. I try to make sure she doesn't get to that point by proactively helping her leave some margin in her life. And when she gets overwhelmed, I willingly step in to help her out in practical ways.

Soul Care

In addition to helping her not over-extend herself, I also make an effort to see that she prioritizes the things in her life that feed her soul. The most recent example is that I suggested she skip a church meeting that would have meant a late night when she has to get up before 5 am. It would also have meant driving in the dark, which she doesn't enjoy. But I encouraged her to go see Amahl and the Night Visitors, an operetta that delights her every Christmas. (Google it and find one in your area this year!)

Make a Refuge

Jenni reminded me of time I created a sitting room for her in our bedroom so that she would have a place of her own to rest and recharge. This was back in the day when my mother, who was suffering with Alzheimer's, was living with us, and when Jenni felt she had lost ownership of much of our home. She wrote a post about that called A Haven in Our Home. It doesn't need to be an entire room, but think about how you might provide a comfortable space that would be a place of refuge for your spouse.


What can/do you do to be a haven for your spouse? Share your ideas in a comment. 

Use these four little words to put you and your spouse on the same team.
I posted last week about five ways to communicate effectively during marital conflicts. This week I'm offering you a simple strategy you can use to totally change the dynamic when you and your spouse are at odds with each other.

A couple from one of our marriage small groups offered their strategy when things get heated. One of them will stop and say:

I am for you.

Using these four simple words in the midst of a disagreement will remind your spouse that you are on the same team.  This little statement shifts the conversation in a way that invites collaborate on a solution.

When you work with each other rather than against each other it avoids accusation and makes it easier to maintain your connection.

Re-frame the Situation

In a similar way, you can convey the notion that "I am for you" when approaching a problem with your spouse simply by the way you describe the issue. Rather than taking a "me against you" posture, try taking an "us against the problem" stance.

For example, let's say the issue is that your husband is constantly late for dinner. You could use terms that accuse him, such as, "You don't seem to care that I work hard to prepare a nice meal for us after I put in a full day at work. You just show up whenever you want." If repeated offenses cause you to be really angry, you might even just eat without him and leave him to fend for himself when he shows up.  A more helpful  stance would be say something like, "I know you work hard and I want to support you in your efforts to take care of our family. Since I know it's often hard for you to know when you'll be able to leave work, can we come up with some way that makes it easier for me to plan dinner  to line up with your schedule? It's important to me that we find a solution that works for both of us."

Let's say your wife constantly makes social commitments for the two of you without consulting you or checking your schedule. You could angrily snap at her in an accusatory manner, "I'm tired of you signing me up for all these events that I don't care about. It's like my time counts for nothing to you." You could also flatly refuse to go with her as a way of retribution. Alternatively, you could say something like, "I know it's really important for you to get together with friends and family. You are super relational, and I know that people feed your soul. I want to support you in that, but is there a way we could make sure we align our schedules before making commitments? Maybe you could text or call me before saying yes? I'm open to other suggestions too."

In both of these examples, statements of support and understanding (conveying that "I am for you") precede the request to find a collaborative solution.

Who is the Real Enemy?

It's hugely important to remember that your spouse is not the enemy in any conflict. Rather, think of the situation as one where you and your spouse are on the same team, facing whatever the issue might be.

When you can keep in mind that your spouse is not the enemy, it allows you to approach him or her in a collaborative manner. It also reduces the likelihood that accusation and defensiveness enter the conversation. Finally, it allows you to maintain your connection, even in the midst of conflict.

Think back to your latest disagreement with your spouse.  Would him or her saying "I am for you" have positively impacted the course of the conversation?

Every emotional interaction with your spouse goes one of three ways. Only one way is helpful.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, performed a study on newlywed couples a few years back. His team observed how the couple interacted with each other during what he calls "emotional bids." Dr. Gottman describes bids this way:

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Three Choices

There are actually three choices you have when our spouse makes an emotional bid:

1. Turn away - ignore the bid and move on
2. Turn against - respond negatively to the bid (disrespect, defensiveness, anger, accusation)
3. Turn toward - respond with interest and affection

What the research showed was that after six years, the couples that were still married responded to bids by turning toward each other 86% of the time. Those who were divorced after six years only turned toward each other 33% of the time. That's an astounding difference.

Choose connection

The choice to respond to your spouse's emotional bid by turning toward him or her will often require a little bit (or a lot) of selflessness.

For example, say your wife exclaims how her feet hurt as she takes off her shoes. You could ignore her statement and continue scrolling through Facebook on your phone (turn away). You could tell her that her feet smell (turn against). Or you could move in and begin to rub her sore feet (turn toward).

As another example, say your husband comes through the door complaining about his tough day. You could pretend you didn't hear him or simply say, "Oh," and walk away (turn away). You could tell him you wish he would just leave that garbage at the office (turn against). Or you could give him a kiss, pour a couple glasses of wine, and ask him to join you on the couch while he tells you all about it.

In most cases, turning toward your partner is not the easiest choice. It might require a little of your time and a bit of emotional or physical effort. But the long-term benefit of building connection and trust is well worth the short term sacrifice.

Listening for Bids

The trickiest part to emotional bids, however, is not in the choice of how to respond. No, the hardest part is actually in realizing when they happen.

Some bids will be obvious but many may be really subtle.

Some examples of obvious bids:

• How do I look in this?
• Can we talk?
• Do you want to come with me to the grocery store?
• Let's go fool around.

Some examples of more subtle bids:

• Wow, what a day I had.
• A sigh, a frown or staring blankly into space
• Your spouse comes and sits close to you on the couch
• Silence
• I don't know what to do

Whether obvious or subtle, your response is critical for building trust and intimacy in your relationship.

You might say to yourself, "If he/she really needs something from me, why doesn't he/she just ask me?" It's quite possible that your spouse isn't even aware that he or she needs something. Second, when you respond to an unspoken desire for connection, you tell your spouse that you are tuned into them and eager to make a meaningful connection.

Gottman's research seems to indicate that this choice is a big deal.

Make it a goal this week to be especially aware of emotional bids your spouse offers you, and make a commitment to respond by purposefully turning toward.

Share in a comment below about a time when your spouse responded to your own bid, and how it made you feel. We'd love to hear your story.

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Further reading from the Gottman Institute:

• Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust
• Turning Against Bids - The Ultimate Relationship Killer

If you want an rich harvest of intimacy in your marriage, make sure there is an abundance of trust in the soil of your relationship.

Trust is critical to any meaningful relationship, and it's especially important in marriage.  Intimacy requires being known, and revealing your genuine self requires an atmosphere of trust. The level of intimacy you have with your spouse will be capped by the level of trust you share.

Trust, or lack of it, provides good insight into what you actually believe about your spouse. (Note: it works the same in our relationship with Jesus.) Trust is faith in action. Trust says I believe in you, and I believe that love is at the center of your intentions toward me.

Generally speaking, the need to feel trusted is significantly higher for men than for women, though certainly everyone wants to feel that their partner trusts them. Men typically want to be trusted for what they do (like being a good provider and a capable leader). Women, on the other hand, tend to want to be trusted for who they are (the goodness of their hearts and intentions).

Despite these differences between the sexes, there are some actions both can take to build trust in their relationship.

1) Do what you say you will do - Be reliable. Don't require your spouse to follow up a dozen times before you get around to doing what you committed to. Everyone forgets sometimes, but if you want your spouse to trust your word, be consistent about making good on it.

2) Be real - It's very difficult to trust what you do not know. That means that openness, truthfulness and vulnerability are necessary prerequisites to establishing trust. If you make a habit of hiding your faults or being closed off from your spouse emotionally out of fear or shame, don't expect to earn their trust.

3) Empathize (don’t criticize) - in times of struggle . Getting your spouse to open up to you about their struggles requires that you don't use what they tell you against them. Being critical or judgmental over exposed weaknesses will make your spouse feel they can't trust you in their times of need.

4) Speak Kindly and Affectionately - An atmosphere of kindness is conducive to trust and vulnerability in your relationship.  Speak kindly to each other. Show affection often. In addition, never speak negatively about your spouse to others, including close friends and family members. Even if your spouse never learns of it, it creates an atmosphere of distrust in your marriage.

5) Forgive quickly (and forget) - Apologize when you've done wrong and be quick to accept an apology when you have been wronged. Don't rehash past issues that supposedly have been dealt with or use past mistakes as a weapon. That sends the message that you haven't really granted the forgiveness you said you gave.

6) Put your relationship above your rights - We live in a country founded on rights, and there is a strong societal message that says you have to stand up for and assert your rights. But, in marriage, when your insistence on your rights comes at the cost of the relationship, it sends the message that your spouse can't trust you to take care of the relationship. As my wife says, it's not about being right, it's about being love.

7) Value freedom (vs. control) - When you try to assert control over your spouse, it sends a pretty clear message to your spouse that you don't trust them (whether you feel it's actually true or not). Conversely, when you allow each other freedom, it helps to build an atmosphere of trust.

How many of these trust builders are commonplace in your marriage? Are there other trust-building habits you can think of? Leave a comment with your thoughts.

A letter to my daughter on her wedding day - five keys to a great marriage.
In just a few days my middle daughter, Lisa, is getting married. She and Otto are a wonderful match, and Jenni and I could not be more excited for their future.

Lisa has no doubt received all kinds of marriage advice from many people, but as her father and a champion of strong marriages I wanted to offer my own thoughts. I've struggled to condense down all I've written and read about marriage over the years to identify the essential keys that lead to an intimate, passionate and enduring marriage.

Here's what I came up with.

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Dearest Lisa,

The big day is approaching quickly! Amidst all the excitement and celebration I wanted to take a moment to share a few thoughts with you as you and Otto begin your marriage journey together. What follows is not a comprehensive list, but if you get these things right, it will go a long way to ensure you have a happy, healthy, intimate, passionate and enduring marriage.

1) Learn What Says "I Love You"

You and Otto have gotten to know each other pretty well through your dating years, but there is so much more you'll discover as you become one in marriage. The most important thing for each of you to learn is what says "I love you" to the other. Trust me when I say that each of you will likely answer this question very differently. You may not "get" each other's love needs, especially at first, but you don't have to get them to do them.

It's important to revisit this question regularly. You'll want to be students of one another. It's important to keep asking, especially in seasons of change or stress, "How can I best show you how much I love you?"

For this to work, you'll both need to be transparent with your needs. Not in a demanding or selfish way, but in a way that helps each of you to love the other well.

2) Show Love Daily

Do something every day to communicate your love for each other. Be intentional about speaking and demonstrating love in ways that matter to the other. These don't need to be grand or dramatic gestures. Small love expressions, given daily, will do more to sustain your marriage than big ones that only happen infrequently.

This means being intentional and watchful. It means keeping your marriage off of auto-pilot. Keep your eyes wide open and your hearts wide awake toward each other.

3) Practice Selflessness and Generosity

One amazing aspect of the two of you becoming one is that any time you bless the other, you also get to share in the benefit of that blessing. Learn to take delight in delighting each other with your love. Practice generosity and selflessness.

Give your love without condition and without the expectation of getting something in return. This is God's kind of love. Practice giving love for love's sake and for the sake of your marriage, rather than what you may get in return. But you will find that when you do this, the blessing does flow back to you.

4) Manage Your Expectations

It's likely that you both carry many expectations into your marriage. For the most part it's best to hold those expectations loosely. But there are two expectations that I encourage you to hold to steadfastly.

First is the expectation that this is a lifelong covenant you have together. It's hard to imagine now, but there will likely be times ahead when you will need to be tenacious about this commitment you've made to each other.

Second, always believe and expect that the best days of your marriage are ahead of you. Regardless of how good (or how bad) things are, there is always more ahead. Deeper intimacy, more to know about each other, a stronger bond of trust, and grand new adventures are in front of you.

5) Pray

Always believe that God is for your marriage. He loves love. He is love. Press into him in prayer, both separately and together, for all you need to sustain and grow your marriage is found in him. Prayer for your marriage is a prayer he is eager to answer. And pray for each other, that you will walk in your true identities and that you will each fulfill your destiny in Christ.


There you have it. My short list of the essentials for a successful marriage. Just remember that, in the end, success in marriage isn't about how many things you did right or wrong, but the level of intimacy (emotional, spiritual and physical) you share, because intimacy should be the ultimate goal of every marriage.

I Love You,
Daddy

Valuable culinary lessons to help your marriage grow in sexual intimacy
No, this is not a post about creative uses for whipped cream and chocolate sauce in the bedroom (not that there would be anything wrong with that!).

Rather, I've listed below six dining metaphors that are useful for considering and improving the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

1) Fast Food

Amid the chaos and demands of daily life, sometimes quickie sex is all you’ll have the time and energy for, but you can’t live on that alone. It’s unhealthy and costly in the intimacy department. Sometimes you need to set aside an hour or two just to focus on finding pleasure in one another. When it comes to sexual intimacy, there is no substitute for time.

2) Fine Dining

Upscale restaurants pay a lot of attention to the way your meal looks on the plate. Appearances do matter and can leave a lasting impression. How much effort do you put into your “presentation” at bed time? Brush your teeth, comb your hair, strategically add a dab of perfume or cologne, wear something to bed your spouse finds appealing and that makes you feel sexy. Make your bedroom appealing with candles, nice music, and luxurious sheets.  Going the extra mile in preparation tells your spouse that you love them and desire them.

3) A New Cuisine

It’s fun and exciting to experience a great new restaurant.  Similarly, there’s a new kind of sexual energy and focus that is available with a change of venue. If you haven’t done so recently, book a hotel room or a mountain cabin for a weekend. It will give you time to focus exclusively on each other, without the normal pressures of home, and allows you plenty of time to enjoy each other sexually. And the change of scenery can help break you out of a sexual rut, giving you the freedom to experiment and change things up a little. I don’t know exactly why, but there’s just something different about sex when there is a number on the door. (If a hotel is out of the question for budgetary or child care reasons, pick a new room of the house as a change of venue.)

4) Fasting

While regular and frequent sex is an important part of a healthy marriage, it's possible to use prescribed periods of abstinence (5, 7, 10 days or whatever you mutually decide would not be unhealthy) to create and build sexual anticipation. The idea is to rev up non-sexual intimacy, to give all your attention to expressing love and desire without sex. Go ahead and tease and flirt. Talk about how much you miss the pleasure, and plan what you will do when it’s all over – it’s all part of the build up to breaking your fast.

5) Binging

In the opposite vein, I have also seen regular “sex challenges” on various marriage websites that dare couples to go for 3, 7, 10 or even 30 days of sex in a row. However long you choose to binge on each other, the goal is to make sex a priority and then to use the time to learn about your self and each other sexually. I have seen many testimonies of the positive, rejuvenating impact such a challenge have on marriages.

6) Junk Food

Face it, we are surrounded by things that are sexually unhealthy. The media and entertainment industries rarely portray married sex as fulfilling and exciting. Instead they glamorize randomly “hooking up,” sensationalize and normalize extramarital affairs, and portray marriage as an out of date and irrelevant institution. Modern technology grant easy access to things like pornography, chat rooms and a vast array of other marriage-destroying opportunities. Just don’t. Even things as “harmless” as Facebook and romance novels can do damage. When it comes to your marriage, keep the sexual junk food out!

What other dining metaphors can you come up with? Share them in a comment.

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Do you want to improve your sex life further but have a hard time talking about sex with your spouse? You can get my ebook How to Have a Succ-Sex-Full Marriage for free when you sign up for my monthly newsletter and blog digest. Sign up now!

It's finally going to happen. And I need your help!


I'm happy to announce that I'm in the process of building a completely new website. Okay it's been "in process" since the beginning of the year, and in planning even longer, but I'm finally hoping to launch in October. I've got a bunch of great things planned for the new site, but more than anything else I'm interested in serving my readers with stuff that can help their marriages right where they are.

What Are Your Longings?

If you are like many of my readers, you've been married for a while. Are there things you've always wanted to see in your marriage, but haven't yet experienced? Have you given up on them? I believe it's never too late to see your dreams come true. Maybe it's time to renew your dreams. Don't settle for the marriage you have now. Dust off those heart-longings, take them to the Lord, and start to work toward seeing them come true, one small step at a time.

Maybe you don't have unfulfilled longings. Maybe your marriage is pretty good, even great. The thing is there is always more. There is always room to grow in intimacy and passion and trust and freedom and grace and love... There is plenty of new territory to explore for the sake of growing your marriage. Don't let auto-pilot take over, even if, and especially if your marriage is on solid footing. Auto-pilot is a death sentence!

My sincere desire is to see every couple have the marriage they dream of and to continue to grow together. I believe that's not only possible, but that it's God's plan.

So my question is this: How can I help you do that? Here is your chance to tell me.

Here's Where You Come In

I have an ongoing survey on my blog called "Three Things." If you are an email subscriber or you get my blog via an RSS feed, chances are you've missed out on this survey. Simply put, it poses the question, "What three things do you long most to see more of in your marriage?"

Would you please help me be able to focus on the things that matter most to you and take 1 minute to answer this simple question? Click below now!

Stay Tuned

As part of the new website initiative, I'm moving to a new web address as well, so you'll want to watch this space in order to make sure you move with me!

In addition, I am working on some tremendously helpful resources for building intimacy and passion in your marriage. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, pray for me and my efforts to get the new website up and running. It's a daunting task!

If there are any other topics you'd like to see covered in the future or a specific question you'd like to see addressed here, please feel free to send me an email or leave a comment below.

Does your marriage more closely resemble a religious exercise or an intimate relationship?

Did I cause you to do a double-take with the headline? After all, isn't this that blog where they are always talking about the intersection of the marital and the spiritual; the blog that explores that "bridal paradigm" thing with Christ and the church being a model for marriage?

Yep this it that blog, but would it shock you if I said I'm not a big fan of religion?

Religion vs. Relationship

The popular Christian pollster George Barna published a 2003 Study which found that 81% of self-identified Christians contended "that spiritual maturity is achieved by following the rules in the Bible."

Does that statistic make you cringe? It actually makes me a bit sad. I think it makes God sad too.

Religion is what Jesus came to deliver us from! Religion is all about rules. Following Jesus is all about relationship. Jesus spent most of his earthly ministry blowing up the rules of His day and pointing people to relationship instead. 

It's not that the truths in the Word of God aren't important. They are very important and there for our good. It's just they aren't the main thing, and they aren't a substitute for the relationship God longs to have with each of us. Spiritual maturity is about being as intimately connected to Jesus as possible. When I'm in that place of intimacy with Him, the rules tend to take care of themselves.

An Important Distinction

Why is the distinction between religious rules and relationship so important for your marriage? Because if your marriage is intended to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church, then you need to have an accurate picture of what God intends that to look like. And His highest intention is intimacy, not our good behavior or religious activities.

1. Performing for Love

Religion says that God loves me most when I perform for him. Relationship says that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more or to make Him love me less. Love is who he is. It's his nature. It's unconditional.

Love for your spouse should be as unconditional as the love of God. Lavish love on your spouse with abandon, regardless of the love you feel you are receiving. God does not withhold blessing from me until I have my act together. Neither should I withhold blessing my wife based on her performance to my standards.

2. Punishment or Grace

Religion says that God will punish us if we mess up. In fact, some act like God is shocked and offended by our screw ups. But the truth is that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross has paid for every screw up I have done and for every one I ever will do. Same for you. Our sin comes as no surprise to him, yet he chose to give his life for us anyway. 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

A grace-filled, religion-free marriage means that forgiveness overrules retribution. There may be natural consequences when you or your spouse makes a mistake, does something unkind, or are guilty of some other offense, but relationship dictates that grace is at the forefront of our response.

As you have been freely forgiven by Jesus; freely forgive your spouse.

3. Passion and Desire

The Bible is a love story of a God in passionate pursuit of a bride, who would go to extreme lengths  to win her to himself. So great is his desire for us that he sacrificed his own Son in order to live with us in intimacy, right now and forever.

Passion and desire are godly emotions. We feel them because God feels them, and we are made in his image.

Could it be that the way we have disconnected God from sex has something to do with the way we have disassociated God from emotions like passion and desire? Of course his desire is not of a sexual nature, but I definitely believe that there is a direct spiritual parallel between sex in marriage and the kind of deep, passion-filled intimacy God wants with us.

A right understanding of the emotions of God toward us, including His great passion and desire, is key to understanding how we can love each other in marriage. My own journey into understanding the bridal paradigm started with a revelation of the emotions of God, and it greatly impacted my marriage.

I recently heard Pastor Robert Morris explain this in a sermon entitled "God's Greatest Desire." He summarized it this way,  "God's greatest desire is to marry you, and to live happily ever after with you. And he has worked out all the details through grace." God's own desire for intimacy is mirrored in us, since we were formed in his image. That's the reason he made man and woman to be intimately joined in marriage.

4. Two Become One

Many Scripture passages make it clear that when we come to faith in Christ we become one with him. Yet somehow we labor under the notion that we have to work our way into unity with him and that if we mess up, then that unity is somehow broken. Yet God makes it clear in Scripture that "nothing can separate us from the love of God." (Romans 8:39)

In a similar way, many describe marriage as the process of becoming one, with oneness as something that we work toward, but never fully achieve. Oneness is portrayed as fragile and elusive. I used to think of it that way too! But then I realized that unity in marriage works the exact same way as our unity with Christ. It is what Paul calls a "great mystery" in Ephesians. When we marry, two become as one.

 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:31-32

So then, marriage is the process of learning to enjoy and live fully in the unity we have already been granted by virtue of the fact that we are married. If we see our oneness as something we have to earn, then we'll forever be falling short and striving for the unity that is already ours. As I said in my post What If We Really Are One?  we will live very differently if we believe we are truly one.


I've been digging into the bridal paradigm for more than a decade, yet I am continually discovering new ways in which my relationship with Jesus informs my understanding of marriage and vice-versa. I am realizing that if I want to understand how marriage is designed to work, I have to more fully know the true nature of God. 

What other "religious" notions about God might negatively impact how you live out your marriage? Add to my list. Leave a comment.

Are body image issues keeping you from being "naked without shame" with your spouse?

My posts on body image are consistently very popular with readers. The high level of interest in this topic convinces me that this is a major issue, especially for women, and something that hinders both physical and emotional intimacy in many marriages.

If you or your spouse struggle with body image issues, be sure to read these posts and take action to deal with it. It's worth it!!

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The Body Image Battle

This is a post directed at husbands, encouraging them to help their wives win the ever-present war that rages against their self-image.

Your wife is in a major battle. It’s an important and difficult battle. In this battle you must choose sides. You can choose to fight for her or against her. There is no middle ground, because if you are not fighting for her, in her mind you are fighting against her...

Read the post

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The Body Image Battle Continues

This is a post directed at wives, encouraging them to embraces some basic truths about their bodies. Among them:

• Your husband wants you to feel beautiful
• Your husband already knows the parts of your body you don't like
• Your husband likes your body
• Your husband is attracted as much by your confidence as by your appearance

Read the post

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What If Your Husband Really Does Love Your Body?

This post is part of my "What If..." Series and a Wives Only Wednesday post that encourages wives to ask themselves this question:

How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

Read the post

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If your marriage is being negatively impacted by body image issues, I encourage you not to just live with it as something "normal." It may be common, but that is no reason not to do something to address it.

"Letting your hair down" with your spouse is a good thing, but...

What does the idiom "let your hair down" mean? Here are some dictionary suggestions:

• To tell someone everything; to tell one's innermost feelings and secrets.
• To relax and enjoy yourself without worrying what other people will think.
• To drop one's reserve or inhibitions.

Freedom to be Genuinely You

Intimacy, by definition, must be genuine. I'm a big believer in being who you really are with your spouse, of letting your hair down and losing your inhibitions. It's part of the beauty of being one. In fact, pretense inhibits intimacy, because there is no such thing as fake intimacy.

Intimacy is about being fully known and yet deeply loved and accepted. If fear or shame are keeping you from being real with your spouse, check out my post Shame and Intimacy.

Here are a few excerpts from that post:

In the end shame, which is driven by our fear of disconnection, prevents us from experiencing the very intimacy we fear losing (or not getting in the first place). Shame is a dead end, guaranteed to leave you trapped in loneliness, without the genuine connection you long for. The ultimate conclusion I draw from this is that shame and intimacy simply cannot coexist.

I believe quite strongly that overcoming the shame that is blocking intimacy in your marriage needs to start with a revelation of the love of God for you (and consequently for your spouse). What I’m talking about goes way beyond a vague “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so” kind of understanding. I’m talking about a personal and powerful revelation of just how deeply and endlessly Jesus loves you.

We know that the ideal state for marriage, as described for us in Genesis 2:24-25 is to be "naked without shame." It involves more than just physical nakedness (though it does include that too). It means being transparent and vulnerable in the whole of your marriage: emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically. In everything. If you fear nakedness with your spouse, if you are holding back in certain areas, read my post Naked Without Shame.

Freedom vs. License - Give the Best of You

However, we have to hold this truth in tension against the other side of the coin. Freedom to be yourself with your spouse is not license to just do whatever you want, to say whatever comes into your mind, or to be unkempt or rude or unkind.

It's not about being fake. It's about giving your spouse the best you have to give.

• If you don't cuss with your church friends, don't turn into a sailor at home
• If you smile kindly to the clerk at the store, don't put on your grumpy pout-face for your spouse.
• If you don't belch in a business meeting, don't subject your wife (or husband) to such things
• If you are gracious and generous to your friends, don't be any less so with your spouse. Be more so!

Physical appearance/grooming is another area where freedom can be taken too far. While there are times it's nice to just be relaxed and literally "let your hair down," to go without shaving or showering, or to wear your comfy clothes, you also don't want to just "let yourself go" all the time. Out of respect for your spouse, keep good grooming habits.

Wear things you know your spouse finds attractive. Pay attention to their compliments, or just ask him or her before dressing. "Anything special you'd like me to wear?" Use perfume or cologne that your spouse prefers. After all, who else are you wearing it for? Hair and shaving is another area where your spouse's preference in style and color should matter.

Be free. Be yourself. But also be the best version of yourself you can be out of love and respect for the one to whom you are intimately joined as one. Start a conversation by asking, "Is there any area where you feel like I'm giving you less than the best I have to give?"

The heart is the heart of every marriage.


Have you ever had a halfhearted customer service experience? How do you feel when you engage with someone who seems totally disinterested in serving you? On the other hand, how do you feel when you encounter someone who is wholeheartedly engaged and enthusiastically determined to meet your needs? Such a positive experience will likely cause you to speak favorably about the establishment to others and keep you coming back.

Websters defines a wholehearted person as someone who is devoted, determined and enthusiastic, marked by an earnest commitment.

So here's my question: are you wholehearted when it comes to your marriage?

But my spouse...

Maybe you are thinking that your spouse's halfheartedness is your excuse for living a halfhearted marriage. This may seem logical, but unfortunately such thinking is ultimately self-defeating and won't move you any closer to experiencing a wholehearted marriage.

You see, the truly wholehearted understand that wholeheartedness comes out of who they are, not in response to what someone else does or doesn't do. It's a choice not a reaction.

I believe wholeheartedness is contagious. While you only have the power to control yourself, you do have influence over the atmosphere of your marriage, which can ultimately influence your spouse in a positive direction. (But sorry, no magic formulas here!)

As you work toward being wholehearted in your marriage, below are five areas to consider.

1. All In 100%

The wholehearted hold nothing back. When it comes to their marriage and spouse they are all in and fully engaged. Do you have areas of your being or life that you are withholding from your spouse? Do you wait until you feel your needs are met before you are willing to meet your spouses needs? Do you love only in proportion to the amount of love you feel you are receiving?

Selflessness, grace and loving your spouse as if they are already meeting all your needs and loving you well are the keys to a wholehearted marriage.

2. Wholly Devoted

Jesus describes the devotion we are to have toward God in Mark like this:

And you shall love the Lord your God out of and with your whole heart and out of and with all your soul (your life) and out of and with all your mind (with your faculty of thought and your moral understanding) and out of and with all your strength. This is the first and principal commandment.

Mark 12:30 (quoting Deut. 6:4, 5) [AMP]

I like to think that the marriage relationship is designed to mirror the love and devotion God wants to have with us. No, your spouse is not a god and not a substitute for your relationship with Jesus, but I don't think God gets offended when we love each other wholeheartedly and with tender devotion. He designed it to work that way.

3. Sexually Engaged

It's easy for us to relegate sexuality to the bedroom. But the truth is you don't cease to be a sexual being when you leave the bedroom, just like you don't cease to be a spiritual being when you leave church. Sure there are things that aren't necessarily appropriate for public consumption (whether we're talking the church or sex), but whether you "feel it" or not, you are a sexual being 24/7.

So what does it mean to be wholeheartedly sexual? It starts with thinking of yourself and your spouse in sexual terms outside the throws of passion. Proactively seek to engage with your spouse in a sexual manner throughout the day. It also means serving each other sexually and unselfishly, striving to give more in that department than you get. It also means being fully present and obviously engaged during sexual activity.

4. Open and Vulnerable

Based on her research, Dr. Brene Brown includes vulnerability as a key attribute of the wholehearted. (See her TED Talk video and my related posts: What a Shame and Time To Get Naked)

If you want a marriage full of intimacy, you have to learn to live transparently and vulnerably with each other. Shame is the enemy of vulnerability and the biggest inhibitor to intimacy. To embrace vulnerability, you need to first believe that you are worthy of love and connection, just as you are. The amazing truth is that Jesus makes us all worthy.

Being wholehearted means being willing to be imperfect, embracing our weaknesses and owning up your mistakes in a genuine but not self condemning way. (Remember, there is NO condemnation for us who are in Christ). Open up and invite your spouse in. Gary Smalley, author of Wholehearted Marriage, says that "Emotions are the voice of the heart." Let your spouse hear your heart.

5. Determined and Committed

The wholehearted have a fierce tenacity about them. They are not only all-in, but they are in for the long haul. A wholehearted marriage is one in which the couple realizes that there will be difficult seasons, but they believe in the covenant bond between them and that they are ultimately on the same side because they are one. Reinforce this idea with phrases like, "I am for you," "I am for us." and "We can do this."

Here's a great clip from the move "Facing the Giants." The acting isn't the greatest but the clip beautifully illustrates wholehearted tenacity and determination. It also speaks to the effect it can have on others.



Remember that wholehearted living is a choice you make for yourself. And while you can't cause wholeheartedness in others, I am convinced that when one person in a marriage chooses wholeheartedness, the atmosphere in the relationship will be changed for the good.

Where will you choose to be more wholehearted this week? Ask God to show you areas where you've been halfhearted in your marriage, and ask for His help in becoming wholehearted.

Last time I wrote about the potential damage technology can inflict on your marriage and ways to avoid it.

This week we'll look at ways to use technology to actually bless your spouse and improve your marriage.


1. Keep in Touch

Although electronic communication (texts, emails, private messages, etc) are no substitute for real, in-person conversation, it does afford couples easy ways to stay in touch with each other. Jenni and I text and message each other frequently throughout the day, and I find that it helps us maintain our connection while we are physically separated. We let each other know of prayer needs, victories and struggles in real time. It is helpful when we are unable to have a lengthy conversation.

Here are a few ways to keep in touch electronically:

• Text a prayer request or ask how you can pray for your spouse.
• Send an instant message "I'm especially missing you today."
• Follow up on an important meeting or event and ask how it went
• Send a link to a song that reminds you of your spouse or that might be an encouragement

2. Be Intentional

I keep all my calendars and to do lists online and they are available across all my devices. I also use these tools to help me be intentional where Jenni is concerned.

Here are a few examples of how I do that:

• Keep track of her schedule so I can pray for her and ask her about happenings.
• Jot down movies we talk about wanting to see in a list.
• Put date nights in my calendar so I can remember to plan when it's my turn.
• Make a note of blog posts or articles I'd like us to discuss together

3. Get Your Flirt On

Sometimes it's easier to be flirty when you aren't face-to-face. There are even apps like Couple and Avacado that provide a secure way to communicate words and pictures that you wouldn't want someone to stumble across in your phone.

Here are a few ways to flirt with your spouse.

• Remind your spouse of a sexy memory.  Ask if you can re-enact it tonight.
• Thank your spouse for "last night," accompanied by the appropriate emoticons.
• Visually oriented husbands especially like to see a bit of skin or lingerie (but make sure it's totally secure)
• Text your spouse something you like about their physical appearance.
• Send a message suggesting what you have in mind for the two of you tonight after the kids are in bed

Important note: husbands and wives usually have different definitions of how they like be flirted with. Try to keep in mind your spouse's definition!

4. Learn, Grow, Improve

There is a wealth of fantastic marriage encouragement out there these days, and electronic devices give you convenient, on-the-go access to them.

• Bookmark your favorite marriage blogs in your phone or tablet (I hope Journey to Surrender is among them!).
• Sign up to receive a marriage newsletter or two that you find helpful. You can sign up for mine here.
• Get a Kindle or reader app and download a marriage book or two. Read one together with your spouse and talk about it.
• Take a marriage challenge or download a marriage devotional or prayer guide.

5. Remember

Many of us use our phones as a massive storage device.  With so many cloud-based storage solutions from the likes of Google, Apple and Microsoft, you have a real opportunity to keep a treasure trove of memories available to you wherever you go.

• Sit down with your spouse once in a while and look back through some photos of meaningful, fun, or silly events.
• Use your phone or tablet as a journal (though I know many prefer actual paper).
• Make a list on your phone of the things you love most about your spouse (really, do this!). Read them every day. Share one occasionally with your spouse.

6. When You Are Apart

Both Jenni and I travel quite a bit, much of it international. We find electronic communications especially helpful in keeping us connected when we are worlds apart.

• Send emails to each other when our time zones don't line up. It's great to wake up to a letter from my darling wife.
• Text, what's app, or use messenger more diligently, even more when we are traveling.
• It's especially nice when we can Skype or Facetime and actually get to see each other. Not quite as good as being there but close.

Do any of you have other ways you use technology to benefit your marriage? I'd love to hear your ideas! Leave a comment.

Simple (not easy) steps you can take today to prevent technology from stealing from your marriage.

Do you ever stop to think  how far technology has come just in the past few decades?  Just 20 years ago we didn't commonly carry cell phones. Smart phones didn't come onto the scene until about 10 years ago. What did we do before we had a GPS, music player, alarm clock, web browser, calendar, online games, texting and more right in our pockets and purses?

Technology has brought an amazing amount of convenience and efficiency to our lives, Along with all the benefits, if we aren't careful, technology can also bring some unintended consequences, especially where relationships are concerned.

My wife and I recently enjoyed a wonderful cruise, generously given to us and my wife's family by her parents as a way to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. One nice thing about a cruise is that it's much easier to be offline and disconnected from technology while you are floating in the middle of the ocean, which is what sparked my thinking about this post.

Watchfulness is the notion that we need to be attentive and tuned into our marriages, and it especially applies to technology, because it's so easy for our relationships to suffer at the hands of technology without us even being aware of it.

Here are five danger areas in which we should all be watchful and some simple steps to avoiding the potential pitfalls.

1. Lack of Real Conversation

Our family's monthly phone bill reveals what I think is probably typical of modern communication patterns: thousands of text messages, many gigabytes of data, and hardly any talk-time minutes.  Are we losing the art of genuine conversation? Is communication being reduced to whatever emoticons are available on our phones?

I'm not judging. My wife and I text and instant message during the day much more than we talk on the phone. It's often easier to connect that way due to our busy schedules. The danger is that there is a certain lack of intimacy in electronic communication. No eye contact. No tone. No touch. It's quick, it's efficient, but it isn't a substitute for genuine conversation.

No matter how much electronic communication you have throughout your day, make sure you set aside time each day for actual, genuine, one-on-one, in-person conversation.

2. Losing Focus on Your Spouse

My wife and I attended a "Marriage Game Show" during our cruise. One of the questions asked of the wives was, "First thing in the morning, what is the first thing your husband grabs for?"  Two of the three contestants answered "his phone." One older wife, who was married 44  years and ended up winning the contest, answered "me."  Her husband got the right answer.

You've no doubt seen "that couple" at a restaurant who barely interact with each other because they are staring at their phones all evening. Maybe sometimes you are that couple.  I understand the temptation and have given in to it too many times myself, but lets all agree not to be that couple.

I've seen varying statistics, but one source states that the average phone user checks his or her phone somewhere between 35 and 74 times per day, depending on age group, with younger people checking most frequently. I've also seen a 2013 study with figures as high as 150 times per day.

Maybe you notice what my wife and I notice: online connections tend to break our actual connection. It's like inviting a third (or fourth or fifth) party into your time together. 

If you really have to check on something important, be sure to explain to  your spouse what is so urgent (and make sure that it actually is) and ask for their permission to do so. Something like, "Do you mind if I quick check for a text from Liz?  I'm waiting to hear back from her about our breakfast appointment tomorrow." This would be better than just picking up your phone in mid-conversation and texting Liz. If the text from Liz is what matters, don't slip in a quick peek at Facebook and Instagram while you are at it.

When it comes to your time with your spouse, strive to practice self-control and focus. To the extent possible, when you are spending time together, keep your focus and your hands off your devices and on each other. It might be worth a conversation about device boundaries and limits during your time together, so that you have a common understanding of the ground rules.

3.   Too Little Time for What Matters

One study found that the average person spends 23 days a year on his or her phone. That equates to 90 minutes a day. I wouldn't be so concerned if actually talking on the phone didn't rank sixth in time spent per day. Surfing the web ranked first, followed by using phone apps.

Time is a precious commodity, and seems to become more precious as our lives become more and more hectic. Ask yourself if you really need to spend as much time as you do on your phone or tablet.

I honestly need to look for more ways to limit device time, but it is difficult. My whole life is digital and available on my devices: to-do lists, multiple calendars, bill paying, and note-keeping for my blog, in addition to the usual personal and marriage ministry related social media accounts. I took a game app off of my phone and relegated it to my tablet so that I wouldn't spend as much time playing it. Truthfully, although it helped, I still waste too much time with it.

While I've purposefully tried to limit device time during our cruise vacation, I confess that right now I'm sitting in our stateroom working on this post while the rest of my extended family are relaxing and enjoying our last day on-board. The pressure of not having posted but one time this month finally overtook me today. So this admittedly a pot/kettle situation.

One way to appropriately limit device time is to set some helpful ground rules as a couple. For example, no phones during dinner or in bed or after a certain time of night. An easy one might be to have no phones before a good morning kiss. Talk about it with your spouse, and explore what works for you.

4. On the Job 24/7

In today's world of constant electronic communication, it's easy to constantly carry our job with us wherever we go. Our jobs typically occupy more than just our time; they also tend to occupy a lot of our mental and emotional space as well.

For the first time since I can remember, I've not checked my work email while on vacation. It's both wonderful and terrifying as I watch the number of unread emails climb up over 200. I used to use the excuse that if I didn't check work email during vacation, I would have to just quit my job and not return to work. The pile up would be too much. However, as of this writing I'm still planning to report for work on Monday.

There is a cost for leaving your work at your place of employment. For many of us, our identity is hugely wrapped up in our jobs and our career success. Sadly, it seems to be all too common that marriages take a back seat to careers in terms of time and attention.

It's not reasonable to expect that you should never work late or never check your work email on weekends or evenings, but it would be a really good idea, as with the other technology invaders in this list, to talk to your spouse about how to set healthy boundaries that keep your marriage in the right priority.

5. Inappropriate Content

The devices we have in our pockets and on our desktops give us instant access to the world. That means it's easier than ever today to have access to stuff that we ought to avoid.

I'm encouraged to see that even secular relationship experts are beginning to talk about the dangers of porn and the damage it inflicts on relationships. In addition to pornographic content, our digital devices also make it super-easy to establish or re-establish inappropriate or hidden relationships with people of the opposite sex.

When it comes to inappropriate use of our devices, let me just say: don't do it!

One of the most effective strategies to prevent such things from inflicting damage on your marriage is to have total openness when it comes to electronic devices. Freely share passwords with each other to phones and social media accounts.


Technology has advanced at a stunning rate in the past few decades. As great as these advances have been, we need to remain vigilant to the potential pitfalls and collateral damage that can accompany technology.

What is one small change you could make this week to keep your digital life from negatively impacting your marriage? Have some thoughts to share? Leave a comment.

Never stop working toward deeper intimacy!

I posted another popular intimacy post, Choosing the Path of Intimacy, in a Friday Favorite a few months ago. Below is another top twenty post from that same series on intimacy.

From the original post "Intimacy - As Much as You Want."

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This is the fifth in my series on choices that lead to The Path of Intimacy. Go here to see where this started and to get a complete list of the related posts in this series.

Would it offend you if I told you that you can have as much intimacy in your marriage as you want? I know it’s a risky statement. And I know there will always be exceptions, such as a spouse who is ill-willed, abusive and/or unwilling to put anything into the marriage.

But in general, I believe two things about intimacy

1. You can have as much or as little intimacy in your marriage as you want.
2. There’s always more.

How Much Do You Want It?

There’s an important companion question to the question of how much intimacy do you want. How much do you want it?

Intimacy is organic, a living thing. So if you want it to grow then you have to feed it. A lot.

Left untended, the natural track of intimacy is decline. The Path of Separation, as I call it, is an easy one, and to some extent it is the path of human nature. It is easy and natural for you each choose to focus on your selves, your own needs, your own fulfillment and satisfaction. If you choose to live mostly self-focused and self-protected, intimacy will eventually wither and die.

The Path of Intimacy, on the other hand, takes deliberate choice, or should I say deliberate choices. Lots of them.

I believe that optimally there’s a progression of sorts on The Path of Intimacy, as I’ve said before. It starts with spiritual intimacy, which enables and deepens intimacy in the realm of the soul (emotional and intellectual intimacy), all of which culminates in the ultimate act of intimacy, sexual.

There can be breakdowns or issues anywhere along the way. If it is more sexual intimacy you are after, look back to spiritual and emotional intimacy for issues that need to be addressed. Are spiritually connected? Do you pray together and talk about your spiritual lives regularly? How are you doing with emotionally intimacy? Are you willing to be “naked without shame” in the realm of the soul? Are you transparent with your spouse and intellectually honest? Do you express love in the way your spouse wants it to be expressed? Husbands, do you cherish, protect and nurture your wife? Wives, do you show your husband the kind of respect and admiration he seeks?

How much are you willing to invest to get the kind of intimacy you want?

There’s Always More

Regardless of where you are on the Path of Intimacy, there is always further to go. I purposefully use the word “journey” to describe the lifelong pursuit of deeper marital intimacy. It never stops. Or at least it doesn’t need to.

If you are feeling stalled or even if you are feeling like you have maximized the intimacy you enjoy with your spouse, ask yourself whether you have stopped investing in it. There is always more you can do to stretch yourself and your marriage in ways that enhance intimacy.

Again, I encourage you to look broadly up and down the path for opportunities to grow intimacy. In your sex life, how often do initiate things? Do you try out new ideas or seek new adventures in physical intimacy? As for intellectual intimacy, have you considered learning a new hobby together, taking dancing lessons, researching and visiting a new country, or jointly getting involved in a worthy cause? Is the emotional intimacy between you still growing, or have you decided you already know everything about each other there is to know? In your spiritual life, think about reading a good book the would spur you to spiritual growth, joining a small group or getting involved in a ministry.

Each area of intimacy feeds the other, so as the two of you continue to learn how to live your “one flesh” union, make sure that intimacy is thriving and growing in your whole beings: spirits, souls and bodies.

Focus on Your Part

There’s a strong temptation when dealing with the area of intimacy to play the blame game. It’s easy to blame our spouse for the lack we feel in the intimacy department. While the truth is that maximum intimacy is only achieved when you are both work at it diligently, it is also true that you can only change you.

Of course I encourage honest, open, and non-defensive expression of needs and desires. After all, your partner can’t possibly satisfy and delight you (which should be their primary focus) if he or she doesn’t know what you want and need. But truthfully, most of your effort should be focused on what you can do in your role as husband or wife to enhance intimacy. What are you doing to satisfy and delight your wife or husband? Where are his or her needs going unfulfilled?

If at all possible, and this is where it gets really hard, do the things you know you should do to enhance intimacy without the expectation of getting something in return. You want to avoid the mentality of “giving to get” and instead think in terms of “giving to bless.” This is the way of selfless and unconditional love.

Where are you on the Path of Intimacy? How much more do you want? And what are you willing to do to get it?

Prayer invites the atmosphere of heaven into your marriage.

When I pray for my wife, three things are happening at once (and probably more). The first is that I'm inviting God's involvement and intervention with regard to whatever I'm praying for her about. The second is that it makes me feel closer to her as I'm joining her in whatever is going on in her life. Third, my wife says it makes her feel covered and protected.

All of these have the power to affect the climate of our marriage.

Heaven's Intervention

Whether I'm praying for healing, for peace, for our marriage or for God's blessing on my wife and children, I'm inviting God to intervene on her behalf. I'm agreeing with heaven.

God is a good Father. He longs to give good gifts to His children. Jesus is also an excellent Bridegroom, who gave us the example of going to the Father on behalf of His bride. Prayer is just our way of agreeing with God's goodness and inviting His participation with us.

Heavens Atmosphere

Prayer also helps me to see things from God's perspective. It's always amazing how my thinking shifts from an earthly to a heavenly perspective when I start to offer things up in prayer.

By shifting my thinking, I am actually changing my mindset and thereby helping to shift the atmosphere in my life, marriage and home to line up the the Kingdom of Heaven.

Prayer As Conversation

You don't need a bunch of theological training to pray. You don't have to jump through any spiritual hoops or even clean up all the sin in your life. God invites us to come to him as we are.

I think sometime the most powerful prayers are the simplest ones; when we come to God and pour out our hearts in sincere conversation.  God really likes that.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16 (NIV)

So don't disqualify yourself from praying. Jesus has qualified you to approach Him with confidence. You don't have to do anything but come.

So come to God freely and frequently, and pray for your spouse.  Just watch as the climate in your heart and in marriage change for the better. 

How has prayer affected the climate of your marriage? Leave a comment and let us know.

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Previous Climate Change Posts:

1. Affirmation
2. Kindness

Kindness is like a warm tropical breeze blowing through your marriage.

Love is kind. At least that's how the Bible talks about love in 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter.
It's surprisingly easy to let a pattern of unkindness seep into your marriage. Little annoyances become big ones over time. Unmet needs cause bitterness to settle in. Even if unkindness doesn't characterize your marriage, would you and your spouse specifically describe each other as kind?

I'm not sure I have always appreciated the power of kindness to change the climate of my marriage. I used to be a lot more focused on myself, my circumstances and what I was getting from my wife. All of these affected my happiness and in turn, the amount of kindness I expressed.

When things were going well and I was happy, kindness came pretty easily. But if I was stressed or not feeling like my wife was doing all the things I thought she should to make me happy, I could easily let my pricklies come out. I think I treated kindness like a kind of reward. If I felt kindly, then fine, I'd be kind. If not, then frankly, I could be pretty unpleasant to be around.

Over the years, however, I've discovered that the cool thing about kindness is that isn't really all that difficult or costly. Regardless of whether I'm "feeling it" or not, all it takes is a little bit of awareness and intentionality.

Show a Little Kindness

Kindness doesn't need to come in the form of grand gestures. Here are a few small, simple ways to show kindness to your spouse.

Smile - Even after almost 33 years of marriage, my wife's smile still melts me to the core. Fortunately, she smiles easily and often. There is a look in her eyes when she smiles at me with kindness and love that warms my heart. You can do the same for your spouse.

Touch - Touch ranks high on my love language list. Same for my wife. But even if your primary love language doesn't include physical touch, it's still a powerful act of kindness. Sit close together, knees and thighs touching. Hold hands while you walk. Lightly touch your spouse's arm or the hair on his or her neck. Give a gentle back or neck massage. When we touch our brain releases Oxycontin, a powerful bonding chemical.

Encouragement - When kindness is lacking in your marriage, words of encouragement can go a long way to cause a shift. Text your spouse short bits of encouragement throughout the day.  "I love you."  "I'm praying for you." "Thanks for last night [wink]."  Make a phone call just to check in and say you were thinking about your spouse. Put a post-it note on your spouse's mirror with a kind thought, a word of appreciation or an encouraging scripture verse.

Sift Your Tone - Research suggests that more information is received by how you say something than by the words you use. Sure, words are important but your tone probably does more to convey kindness (or the opposite) than you realize. I know when I'm tired or stressed, I sometimes have an edginess to my tone that can convey things I don't intend to my wife. It's at these times I have to be more aware of how I'm saying things. It's not always easy. It helps to watch  your spouse's reaction to what you say in order to detect that you've sent unintended meaning by your tone or words. Be willing to admit it and make it right.

Grace - Our natural reaction to unkindness (intentional or not) is to react with unkindness in return. After all, we feel justified. The problem is that this only ups the ante in the discord and causes an escalation in the conflict, inviting more unkindness. But when we react with grace and forgiveness, it will deescalate the conflict and inject positive direction in the conversation. As I often say, grace is an invitation to intimacy. I'm not suggesting you allow your spouse to walk all over you, but I've observed that a lot of the unkindness in marriage is unintentional, so start with that assumption.

The Climate Changing Power of Kindness

Here's the coolest thing of all about kindness: when I'm in a funk of some kind, being kind toward my wife actually helps to lift me out of it. Yes, intentional kindness actually changes the climate of my marriage, of our home and in, in turn, within myself.

Further, when I'm having a hard time for whatever reason and my wife extends kindness to me in the face of my prickliness, it often melts off those prickles.

Want to take the chill out of the air of your marriage? Try intentionally blowing a little kindness into your relationship and watch things warm up!

What other simple ways have you and your spouse found to show kindness to each other? Leave a comment and share your ideas.

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PS  In case you missed it, Part 1 of my Climate Change series is about the power of Affirmation.

Next Climate Changer: Prayer