Journey to Surrender

Every emotional interaction with your spouse goes one of three ways. Only one way is helpful.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher, performed a study on newlywed couples a few years back. His team observed how the couple interacted with each other during what he calls "emotional bids." Dr. Gottman describes bids this way:

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Three Choices

There are actually three choices you have when our spouse makes an emotional bid:

1. Turn away - ignore the bid and move on
2. Turn against - respond negatively to the bid (disrespect, defensiveness, anger, accusation)
3. Turn toward - respond with interest and affection

What the research showed was that after six years, the couples that were still married responded to bids by turning toward each other 86% of the time. Those who were divorced after six years only turned toward each other 33% of the time. That's an astounding difference.

Choose connection

The choice to respond to your spouse's emotional bid by turning toward him or her will often require a little bit (or a lot) of selflessness.

For example, say your wife exclaims how her feet hurt as she takes off her shoes. You could ignore her statement and continue scrolling through Facebook on your phone (turn away). You could tell her that her feet smell (turn against). Or you could move in and begin to rub her sore feet (turn toward).

As another example, say your husband comes through the door complaining about his tough day. You could pretend you didn't hear him or simply say, "Oh," and walk away (turn away). You could tell him you wish he would just leave that garbage at the office (turn against). Or you could give him a kiss, pour a couple glasses of wine, and ask him to join you on the couch while he tells you all about it.

In most cases, turning toward your partner is not the easiest choice. It might require a little of your time and a bit of emotional or physical effort. But the long-term benefit of building connection and trust is well worth the short term sacrifice.

Listening for Bids

The trickiest part to emotional bids, however, is not in the choice of how to respond. No, the hardest part is actually in realizing when they happen.

Some bids will be obvious but many may be really subtle.

Some examples of obvious bids:

• How do I look in this?
• Can we talk?
• Do you want to come with me to the grocery store?
• Let's go fool around.

Some examples of more subtle bids:

• Wow, what a day I had.
• A sigh, a frown or staring blankly into space
• Your spouse comes and sits close to you on the couch
• Silence
• I don't know what to do

Whether obvious or subtle, your response is critical for building trust and intimacy in your relationship.

You might say to yourself, "If he/she really needs something from me, why doesn't he/she just ask me?" It's quite possible that your spouse isn't even aware that he or she needs something. Second, when you respond to an unspoken desire for connection, you tell your spouse that you are tuned into them and eager to make a meaningful connection.

Gottman's research seems to indicate that this choice is a big deal.

Make it a goal this week to be especially aware of emotional bids your spouse offers you, and make a commitment to respond by purposefully turning toward.

Share in a comment below about a time when your spouse responded to your own bid, and how it made you feel. We'd love to hear your story.

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Further reading from the Gottman Institute:

• Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust
• Turning Against Bids - The Ultimate Relationship Killer

If you want an rich harvest of intimacy in your marriage, make sure there is an abundance of trust in the soil of your relationship.

Trust is critical to any meaningful relationship, and it's especially important in marriage.  Intimacy requires being known, and revealing your genuine self requires an atmosphere of trust. The level of intimacy you have with your spouse will be capped by the level of trust you share.

Trust, or lack of it, provides good insight into what you actually believe about your spouse. (Note: it works the same in our relationship with Jesus.) Trust is faith in action. Trust says I believe in you, and I believe that love is at the center of your intentions toward me.

Generally speaking, the need to feel trusted is significantly higher for men than for women, though certainly everyone wants to feel that their partner trusts them. Men typically want to be trusted for what they do (like being a good provider and a capable leader). Women, on the other hand, tend to want to be trusted for who they are (the goodness of their hearts and intentions).

Despite these differences between the sexes, there are some actions both can take to build trust in their relationship.

1) Do what you say you will do - Be reliable. Don't require your spouse to follow up a dozen times before you get around to doing what you committed to. Everyone forgets sometimes, but if you want your spouse to trust your word, be consistent about making good on it.

2) Be real - It's very difficult to trust what you do not know. That means that openness, truthfulness and vulnerability are necessary prerequisites to establishing trust. If you make a habit of hiding your faults or being closed off from your spouse emotionally out of fear or shame, don't expect to earn their trust.

3) Empathize (don’t criticize) - in times of struggle . Getting your spouse to open up to you about their struggles requires that you don't use what they tell you against them. Being critical or judgmental over exposed weaknesses will make your spouse feel they can't trust you in their times of need.

4) Speak Kindly and Affectionately - An atmosphere of kindness is conducive to trust and vulnerability in your relationship.  Speak kindly to each other. Show affection often. In addition, never speak negatively about your spouse to others, including close friends and family members. Even if your spouse never learns of it, it creates an atmosphere of distrust in your marriage.

5) Forgive quickly (and forget) - Apologize when you've done wrong and be quick to accept an apology when you have been wronged. Don't rehash past issues that supposedly have been dealt with or use past mistakes as a weapon. That sends the message that you haven't really granted the forgiveness you said you gave.

6) Put your relationship above your rights - We live in a country founded on rights, and there is a strong societal message that says you have to stand up for and assert your rights. But, in marriage, when your insistence on your rights comes at the cost of the relationship, it sends the message that your spouse can't trust you to take care of the relationship. As my wife says, it's not about being right, it's about being love.

7) Value freedom (vs. control) - When you try to assert control over your spouse, it sends a pretty clear message to your spouse that you don't trust them (whether you feel it's actually true or not). Conversely, when you allow each other freedom, it helps to build an atmosphere of trust.

How many of these trust builders are commonplace in your marriage? Are there other trust-building habits you can think of? Leave a comment with your thoughts.