Journey to Surrender

Advent reminds you to expect great things in your marriage, but also to look for your spouse and for God to deliver in unexpected ways. 

Contrary to popular notion and the fact that stores have had their halls decked with red and green since October, we are not currently in the season of Christmas.  Technically, until December 25th, we are in the season of Advent. The church calendar observed by many Christians tells us that Advent starts four Sundays before Christmas.

Advent comes from a Latin word that means arrival. The season of Advent is all about expectancy and preparing to celebrate the arrival of Jesus on Christmas.

Advent helps us pause amidst all the shopping and decorating and cookie making to remember what Christmas is really all about: Jesus. In Advent we stir up our longing for Jesus and remember that he is the ultimate expression of God's love for us.

Longing, Waiting Yet Completely Missing It

The religious leaders of Jesus' day had been waiting more than 400 hundred years for the arrival of the Messiah. Yet because they had preconceived notions of the way in which he would come and how he would go about establishing his kingdom, they completely missed the fact that he was standing right before their eyes. Not only did they miss him, they went against him and killed the very one for whom they had been waiting.

Although Jesus came to Earth as a baby, his ultimate goal was to claim for himself an eternal bride. As is so often the case, there is a clear parallel between the spiritual and the marital as we think about Advent.

What are you longing and waiting for more of in your marriage? What preconceived ideas do you have of what that should look like when it comes?

I've written before about how expectations in marriage affect what we perceive (See my post Expectations: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly) . Expectancy bias  can cause you not to see something that's right in front of you because you aren't expecting it or are expecting it in different form.

• Do you miss your spouse's expressions of love because you are looking for them to express love the same way you do?
• Do you miss your spouse's sexual initiatives because they aren't as overt as you would like?
• Do you miss your spouse's small acts of kindness because you expect them to be grander? Or worse, because you don't expect him or her to be kind at all?
• Do you miss small incremental changes in your spouse for the better because you have given up hoping for change or because you want bigger changes?
• Do you discount efforts your spouse makes to help out with chores or errands because they don't do it exactly how you would?

I'm not saying you should settle. I'm saying you should look for and be thankful for every step in the right direction. Thankfulness, appreciation and recognition of the good things in your spouse and marriage will not only encourage your spouse in their efforts but will actually help you see them more easily.

Robyn of Up With Marriage has a great quote in her post this week "Desire to Please"

Whether you think positive or negative about your husband, either way you are right.

God Shows Up In Unexpected Ways

Advent and Christmas remind us of the lavish love, generosity and goodness of God toward us. It also reminds us that sometimes God shows up in ways we don't expect.

God is for you and for your marriage. But if he answers your prayers in ways you don't expect, will you miss it?

• Maybe instead of changing your spouse, he may want to change you?
• Maybe instead of improving your spouse's behavior to line up with your expectations, he may want you to grow in showing grace first?
• Maybe instead of instead of getting your wife to submit, he may want you to get better at selfless love?
• Maybe instead of causing your husband to lead in the way you think he should, he may want you to acknowledge your husband as head and to honor and respect him just as he is today?
• Maybe instead of getting your spouse to apologize, he may want you to be the one to reach across the gap between you that was created by your last argument?

One thing Jesus clearly showed us is that the Kingdom of God is often upside down and backward from conventional or popular thinking (be the greatest by being a servant, the last shall be first, foolish things confound the wise, love your enemies, etc.). So when it comes to your marriage, you might just need to be open to some unconventional and even counter-cultural answers from the Lord.

In fact, I'd expect it.

These last days of Advent, consider where you might need to adjust your expectations of your spouse and marriage in ways to allow you to celebrate all that is good in your relationship. 

And as we wait to celebrate God showing up on Christmas, remember that God may also show up in your marriage in ways you don't expect.

Tip #3 - Choose to focus more on relationships than on things


Christmas is about relationship. We are celebrating the gift of a Savior, Jesus, who came to save us from our sins. But ultimately, the purpose of Him leaving heaven and coming to earth was to win a bride for himself. Jesus came in order to have relationship with us, both now and forever. In order to have us, he had to take care of the sin, but an intimate relationship with you and me was the ultimate eternal plan of God in Christmas.

The Press of Things

It's very easy to get caught up in things during the holiday season. Gifts, both given and received. Food, both prepared and consumed. Decorations. Christmas cards. Lots and lots of things get our attention and time.

Not that there is anything inherently wrong with these things in and of themselves. They can be great sources of enjoyment and satisfaction. But these things can also be a source of stress and discontent if we allow them to take over. Things should always be subordinate to the people in our lives.

It's People That Matter Most

It's a week before Christmas Eve. Maybe you are feeling the press of things and all the doing that yet needs to be done. It's not too late to double-check your priorities and make sure that those closest to you are getting the focus they deserve. Chances are that what they want from you has more to do with you being present than giving presents.

What can you do in the days ahead to keep your relationships, and most especially your marriage, in proper focus?  Here are some ideas:

• Set aside time to sit quietly with your spouse and talk. Talk about something other than what needs to be done before Christmas, like about your marriage and the things your are thankful for.
• Bundle up and go outside for some fresh air and togetherness. Go for a walk or build a snowman together.
• Engage in random acts of kindness. Send a note of encouragement to a friend via text, email or old fashioned letter. Buy a cup of hot cocoa for the guy who rings the Salvation Army bell at the local grocery store. Pay for the meal of the person behind you at a fast food restaurant drive through.
• Find a charitable cause that serves people and give of your time or finances (a food bank, a nursing home, a homeless shelter, etc.).
• As hard as it might be with all the busyness, have as many meals together as a family as you can in the week ahead of the big meal you'll likely be sharing on Christmas Day (or Eve).
• Snuggle up with your spouse and watch a Christmas movie - let him or her pick.
• Be intentional and generous with kind words and warm hugs for your family and those closest to you.

By encouraging you to focus more on your relationship than on things this Christmas, I'm certainly not trying to put more items on your to-do list. Rather, I'm suggesting that you consider scratching a few less important items from your list in order to make room for what really matters: people.

What will you do in the next week to focus on the relationships in your life? Leave a comment.

Tip #2:  Enjoy the doing and not just having it done.

Christmas is a time of lists. Christmas wish lists. Shopping lists. Lists of names for Christmas cards and party invitations. Menu and grocery lists.
I'm a list maker, and not just at Christmas. I use an app to keep all my lists organized (Wunderlist, in case your are curious) that syncs to my phones, tablet, various desktop computers. That means my lists are always with me.
I love checking things off my lists. I've even added an otherwise missing, just-completed item to my to-do list, just for the pleasure of ticking it off.
In Tip #1 I cautioned against  letting your plans overtake your priorities.  Tip #2 is a similar, though slightly different caution about lists. Make sure you take time to enjoy actually doing the things on your list, and don't just take pleasure/relief in checking them off.
Watchfulness - Finding Meaning in the Mundane
I write a lot about being watchful. The simplest way to explain it is to say that watchfulness means taking yourself off of autopilot. It means paying attention to things that otherwise might go unnoticed.
Here are a few Christmastime opportunities for watchfulness.
Be Present in the Presents - Giving and receiving gifts is a big part of many people's Christmas traditions. But it can also be a source of a lot of stress and distraction. You've hear it said about gift giving, "it's the thought that counts." While it is true that the thought isn't always appreciated, be thoughtful as you plan, buy and wrap for those closest to you. Ask yourself what attributes about them stand out the most to you. What makes them a unique part of your life? How have they blessed you? What are you thankful for about that person? Think of giving a gift that speaks to one or more of these thoughtful questions, even if it's just a hand written letter to that effect. While time will certainly not permit you to do this with every person you give gifts to, consider whittling down your list to those in the center of your life. This will allow you to put more thought into fewer gifts.

Include Prayers with the Postage - We don't always send Christmas cards - some years are just too crazy. If sending cards is part of your tradition, consider praying for each family or person you send a card to. Maybe get the kids involved by dividing the names among your immediate family members. Is there a Scripture promise or blessing you could include for them? Don't just check off the names, but take time to actually to engage your heart as you send your cards. Another idea is to pray for the senders as you receive cards in the mail.
Pause the Preparation - Stop once in a while, in the middle of all the buying, baking, wrapping and cleaning to just be. Grab a cup of tea or coffee (or something stronger) and consider the meaning behing all that business. Find ways to enjoy yourself and take pleasure in the middle of all the doing. Spend quality time with your family. Pause to take a mental snapshot and give thanks in the moment (you don't have to post everything to Instagram or Facebook). Try not to be so busy and distracted that opportunities for meaning slip by unnoticed.
It's okay if none of these particular ideas work for you. The important thing is to find ways to make the doing meaningful and and enjoyable and not just stressful. Find ways to experience true joy, peace and enjoyment this Christmas.
What might you do differently this Christmas to find more meaning in the middle of the madness? Leave a comment.

Next time: Tip #3 - Focus on Relationships More Than on Things

Tip #1 - pick priorities over plans


I've got plans. Big plans. Lots of big plans.

My plans for this marriage ministry include a brand new, completely redesigned website. (I know some of you are saying "It's about time!" Thanks for putting up with my rough and ugly site for so long!)

I've got a bunch of writing projects that I'm very excited about. Stuff that is going to make a huge impact on a lot of marriages. I can't wait to share these with you! I want to start doing some videos, maybe even a podcast. Some day.

If you are at all like me there is a slight down side to having lots of big, exciting plans - they can make you completely miserable if you let them.

Balancing Plans and Priorities

What I have to keep in mind as I plan, is that I can't let my plans mess up my priorities. That means keeping God at the center of all I do. It means keeping family priorities high. It means making sure I'm not so busy writing about marriage that I neglect my own.

In the same way, I also have to balance plans and priorities when it comes to fighting off the Christmas crazies.

As we make plans this Christmas, whether it be parties, church activities, shopping, family gatherings or whatever, let's not let our non-seasonal priorities slip by the wayside.

In the press of plans and many opportunities for festivities of all kinds, let's remember to keep our first things first:

Keep Christ First in Christmas - It's easy to lose track of the real reason for the season among all the trappings. Consider what you might do this year that intentionally keeps the holiday centered on the miraculous gift of God to mankind in his Son, Jesus. Observe Advent. Do a Christmas devotional study. Read over the Gospel accounts of the Christmas story as a family, spreading the readings out through the remaining days until Christmas. Have periodic candle-lit prayer times, either personally, as a couple, or as a family, where you intentionally focus on the light of Christ that came into the world and it's meaning for your daily life. Have a child-friendly nativity set that you can play with together with your children as you explain the story.

Keep Your Marriage First in Your Family - There is a tendency, especially at Christmas, to make it all about the kids. It's fun to focus on them and their wide-eyed wonder, but remember that your only covenant relationship, outside of the one with Christ, is with your spouse. Don't let December craziness cause you to neglect date nights. Christmas can be an extremely romantic time of year. Take the time to snuggle by a roaring fire, maybe with a glass of wine or eggnog, and connect about your relationship (this is not the time to compare to-do lists or talk about holiday plans - this is a great time to kiss and hold each other).  Reflect together on the goodness of God and take turns expressing thanks for the good things in your life and relationship. Keep your marriage first in your extended family as well. Protect each other and be a refuge for each other from the drama that so often comes with extended families.

Keep Your Family First Above Others - There is research to support the fact that families who observe holiday traditions together have happier, healthier children. But the research also shows that this effect is only true when these traditions are filled with meaning and full family participation (including, and especially fathers). In other words, it's not about going through the motions of tradition. I encourage you to keep and/or establish some thoughtful traditions this year for your family to enjoy. Make family time a priority as you sort out your other plans.

Let Some Things Go

In my family we often joke about certain family members having ATMS (Afraid To Miss Something). It's what causes college students to stay up late at night, not wanting to risk sleeping through some potential fun, spur-of-the-moment outing. It's what compels others to attend a party that they aren't really all that interested in because something fun might happen without them.

So this Christmas season, say no to ATMS, and say no to too much activity. Saying no to some activities and plans is saying yes to your most important things. Let some things go. You don't have to do it all. Don't allow the expectations of others to press you into a frenzy of activities. Just. Say. No. Respectfully explain that you are keeping activities to a minimum this year in order to keep your priorities in line.

Plans are great. Plans can be fun. But too many plans, when they end up competing with your first priorities, can cause you needless stress and misery. I'm going to take steps to keep my first things first this Christmas, how about you? 

What might you do differently this year to avoid the Christmas crazies? Leave a comment!


Next time: Tip #2 - Enjoy the Doing, Not Just the Being Done