Journey to Surrender

Valuable culinary lessons to help your marriage grow in sexual intimacy
No, this is not a post about creative uses for whipped cream and chocolate sauce in the bedroom (not that there would be anything wrong with that!).

Rather, I've listed below six dining metaphors that are useful for considering and improving the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

1) Fast Food

Amid the chaos and demands of daily life, sometimes quickie sex is all you’ll have the time and energy for, but you can’t live on that alone. It’s unhealthy and costly in the intimacy department. Sometimes you need to set aside an hour or two just to focus on finding pleasure in one another. When it comes to sexual intimacy, there is no substitute for time.

2) Fine Dining

Upscale restaurants pay a lot of attention to the way your meal looks on the plate. Appearances do matter and can leave a lasting impression. How much effort do you put into your “presentation” at bed time? Brush your teeth, comb your hair, strategically add a dab of perfume or cologne, wear something to bed your spouse finds appealing and that makes you feel sexy. Make your bedroom appealing with candles, nice music, and luxurious sheets.  Going the extra mile in preparation tells your spouse that you love them and desire them.

3) A New Cuisine

It’s fun and exciting to experience a great new restaurant.  Similarly, there’s a new kind of sexual energy and focus that is available with a change of venue. If you haven’t done so recently, book a hotel room or a mountain cabin for a weekend. It will give you time to focus exclusively on each other, without the normal pressures of home, and allows you plenty of time to enjoy each other sexually. And the change of scenery can help break you out of a sexual rut, giving you the freedom to experiment and change things up a little. I don’t know exactly why, but there’s just something different about sex when there is a number on the door. (If a hotel is out of the question for budgetary or child care reasons, pick a new room of the house as a change of venue.)

4) Fasting

While regular and frequent sex is an important part of a healthy marriage, it's possible to use prescribed periods of abstinence (5, 7, 10 days or whatever you mutually decide would not be unhealthy) to create and build sexual anticipation. The idea is to rev up non-sexual intimacy, to give all your attention to expressing love and desire without sex. Go ahead and tease and flirt. Talk about how much you miss the pleasure, and plan what you will do when it’s all over – it’s all part of the build up to breaking your fast.

5) Binging

In the opposite vein, I have also seen regular “sex challenges” on various marriage websites that dare couples to go for 3, 7, 10 or even 30 days of sex in a row. However long you choose to binge on each other, the goal is to make sex a priority and then to use the time to learn about your self and each other sexually. I have seen many testimonies of the positive, rejuvenating impact such a challenge have on marriages.

6) Junk Food

Face it, we are surrounded by things that are sexually unhealthy. The media and entertainment industries rarely portray married sex as fulfilling and exciting. Instead they glamorize randomly “hooking up,” sensationalize and normalize extramarital affairs, and portray marriage as an out of date and irrelevant institution. Modern technology grant easy access to things like pornography, chat rooms and a vast array of other marriage-destroying opportunities. Just don’t. Even things as “harmless” as Facebook and romance novels can do damage. When it comes to your marriage, keep the sexual junk food out!

What other dining metaphors can you come up with? Share them in a comment.

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Do you want to improve your sex life further but have a hard time talking about sex with your spouse? You can get my ebook How to Have a Succ-Sex-Full Marriage for free when you sign up for my monthly newsletter and blog digest. Sign up now!

It's finally going to happen. And I need your help!


I'm happy to announce that I'm in the process of building a completely new website. Okay it's been "in process" since the beginning of the year, and in planning even longer, but I'm finally hoping to launch in October. I've got a bunch of great things planned for the new site, but more than anything else I'm interested in serving my readers with stuff that can help their marriages right where they are.

What Are Your Longings?

If you are like many of my readers, you've been married for a while. Are there things you've always wanted to see in your marriage, but haven't yet experienced? Have you given up on them? I believe it's never too late to see your dreams come true. Maybe it's time to renew your dreams. Don't settle for the marriage you have now. Dust off those heart-longings, take them to the Lord, and start to work toward seeing them come true, one small step at a time.

Maybe you don't have unfulfilled longings. Maybe your marriage is pretty good, even great. The thing is there is always more. There is always room to grow in intimacy and passion and trust and freedom and grace and love... There is plenty of new territory to explore for the sake of growing your marriage. Don't let auto-pilot take over, even if, and especially if your marriage is on solid footing. Auto-pilot is a death sentence!

My sincere desire is to see every couple have the marriage they dream of and to continue to grow together. I believe that's not only possible, but that it's God's plan.

So my question is this: How can I help you do that? Here is your chance to tell me.

Here's Where You Come In

I have an ongoing survey on my blog called "Three Things." If you are an email subscriber or you get my blog via an RSS feed, chances are you've missed out on this survey. Simply put, it poses the question, "What three things do you long most to see more of in your marriage?"

Would you please help me be able to focus on the things that matter most to you and take 1 minute to answer this simple question? Click below now!

Stay Tuned

As part of the new website initiative, I'm moving to a new web address as well, so you'll want to watch this space in order to make sure you move with me!

In addition, I am working on some tremendously helpful resources for building intimacy and passion in your marriage. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, pray for me and my efforts to get the new website up and running. It's a daunting task!

If there are any other topics you'd like to see covered in the future or a specific question you'd like to see addressed here, please feel free to send me an email or leave a comment below.

Today I'm starting a new feature called Friday Favorites. On most Fridays I'll be going back in time and revisiting some of my most-viewed older posts. If you are new around here, you'll definitely want to check them out.

Today's Friday Favorite post is an all time top 25 post about kissing, 10 Ways to Change Up Your Kissing Routine. I've also mashed it together with parts of this post: Why a Kiss is Not Just A Kiss.

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If "a kiss is just a kiss" then you are doing it wrong.

To me, a kiss is:

• An intimate physical expression of the oneness you share
• A publicly acceptable way of showing affection for your spouse
• Eliminates emotional space between your by eliminating physical space
• As close as you can get to each other without actually having sex
• A great way to keep your physical relationship on simmer
• A cheap, fat-free, sugar-free, guilt-free treat. It can, however, be habit forming

Science Daily claims that a University of Albany study "found sex differences in the importance and type of kissing. Males tended to kiss as a means to an end -- to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner."

Ten ways to change up your kissing routine

1) Kiss across a crowded room - Some enchanted evening, catch your spouse's eye across a room full of people. Smile, pucker your lips make a kissing gesture toward him or her.  It tells your partner that you are thinking of them and loving them despite the crush of humanity between you.

2) Nibble Kiss - Add a little variety by nibbling or gently biting your spouse's lower lip after a more tender kiss.

3) French Kiss - A famously promoted but seldom mastered kiss where your tongues dance together. The trick here is to go slowly and not simply thrust your tongue wildly (that's fine for later, after things heat up). Tease his or her lips with the tip of your tongue. Probe gently and wait for a response before taking things up a notch.

4) Possessive Kiss - Catch your lover off guard by transforming a simple short kiss into a hot, deeply sensual kiss. Wrap your arms around him or her, hold them tightly and kiss like you mean it! This sends the message "you are mine!"

5) Earlobe Kiss - Not  everyone likes their ears messed with, but those who do would love to have their earlobes nibbled gently. Whisper a sweet nothing while your are there. Careful though, loud smacking kisses near the ear can really hurt!

6) Cold Kiss - Use and ice cube or mint to cool your mouth before you kiss. It provides an interesting sensation. If your partner is game it can be very sensual to pass it between you with your tongue while you kiss.

7) Nuzzling Kiss - When things are heating up, leave a trail of gentle kisses down one side of your partner's neck and back up the other side. You'll be sure to send tingles through his or her body.

8) Show and Tell Kiss - Ask your partner to describe his or her favorite kiss, and then try to deliver it.

9) Upside-Down Kiss - Catch your partner laying down and approach him or her with your head opposite theirs for an interesting kissing sensation.

10) Almost Kiss - Bring your lips close together and see how long you can go without actually touching.

Take a Kissing Challenge

Kissing Challenge #1 - Makeout Session

See if you can spend ten minutes in a good old fashioned make-out session. Can you make it the full ten minutes with only kissing, nothing more? What you do after the ten minutes is up is totally up to you!

Kissing Challenge #2 - A Kiss to Remember All Day

When your husband/wife leaves for work today (or some other opportune time) give him/her a kiss he’ll/she'll remember all day. Make it at least 10 or 15 seconds. Wrap your arms tightly around him/her and press your bodies together. Your goal should be to see if you can make your spouse dizzy. Later in the day, call, text or email them to say that you have another kiss like that waiting for when they arrive home. Make sure you follow up and give that second kiss.

Are you a kissing couple? Do you need to improve your kissing game? Do you have a favorite kiss? Kiss and tell, it's okay! Leave a comment.

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In case you missed it from my last post, I've got a special 25% off introductory sale going on for my fun, new workbook, "Intimate Connections for Couples." Special ends on Valentines Day, so hurry!

Why did a poorly written book followed up by a mediocre movie grab the hearts and minds of millions of women?

I've purposefully chosen to stay out of the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fray up to now. So many people have covered the topic that I figured I wouldn't be able to add anything significant to the conversation.

But it's hard for me to ignore the fact that over the last few months, my blog stats show that my post "A Wife's Sexual Surrender" has been consistently at the top of my most viewed pages. The 2011 post shot up in popularity with the release of the FSOG book and then again with the recently released movie. No doubt many disappointed Googlers landed on that post, written long before the release of the book, to find nothing remotely close to the kind of "submission" depicted in FSOG.

I have often wondered what all these poeple, the majority of whom are presumably women, are looking for in a post on sexual surrender?

It's this question that ultimately led me to finally wade into the murky FSOG waters today. And this question leads to some similar ones that have been nagging me ever since the FSOG phenomenon took our popular culture by storm.

How is that a such a poorly written erotic romance novel spent months atop the best seller list and sold more than 100 million copies in 52 languages worldwide?  One book blogger  said about the book, "In all honesty, though, this book is awful.  Really, truly, mind-bogglingly awful." The New York Review of Books, after acknowledging the popular success of the book, summarized the critics perspective this way,  "Critics, by contrast, have found much to abhor about the work." Yet the readers at Amazon and Barnes and Noble both give the trilogy an average of four-and-a-half out of five stars. How could the progenitor of such mediocre tripe be named to Time Magazine's list of the "100 Most Influential People in the World?"

Further, the movie based on the book has been critically panned, receiving one star on Rotten Tomatoes and a little south of two stars on IMDB's critics review. Yet the movie has set box office records, grossing in excess of 500 million dollars in the month since its release. But why? As with the book, critical and popular opinions stand in stark contrast to each other.

These are questions I've seen a few writers attempt to answer, but most of these answers haven't fully satisfied my curiosity.

What The World Says

Admittedly, I have neither read the books nor seen movie, but I've read enough about them, from enough varied sources, to get a pretty clear picture of the content. In researching for this post, I've also read a number of theories on the reasons for the FSOG phenomenon, from both secular and Christian sources.

Secular sources are decidedly mixed as to the effects of FSOG on society. Many call it harmless mind-candy for bored housewives. Some laud the permission FSOG supposedly gives women to free themselves sexually or to tap into their hidden fantasies. Others argue strongly that the books and movie promote sexual violence against women.

As for the reasons for its popularity, secular writers say the attraction is in the way the story portrays the healing power of love, even though it does so in a totally unrealistic fashion. Other say it appeals to women's innate desire to be a "rescuer and healer." Many mention women's common attraction to "bad boys." Surprisingly few point to the kinky sex as the draw.

Christian Voices

For the most part Christian's have been pretty universally critical of the book and movie, and for the most part, rightly so. Erotica is just as dangerous as porn in terms of the potential damage to marriages. The works depict a non-biblical view of sex (outside of marriage, full of control and manipulation, sado-masochism and more). Of course the shows and movies on cable TV these days are just as sexually non-biblical, with much less outrage.

As true as all the badness is with FSOG, we have to admit that millions of professing Christians have read the books and seen the movie. From what I can tell by the many comments I have read, most women loved it and recommended it to their friends. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it does further beg the question of why women, Christians and non-Christians alike, seem so compelled by the story line?

We also have to admit that a non-trivial number of women, Christians among them, claim to have a renewed sense of sexuality and many report improvements in their libido and sex lives as a result, short-lived though it may be.

Stopping at condemnation of the books and movie as perverted, evil and destructive will do little to further our understanding of the popularity of FSOG. Likewise, simply warning, scolding or even condemning those who have chosen to partake of FSOG isn't going to help us or them them understand what it is they are really after.

It's understanding I want to gain as well. 

My Theory

I've realized that I keep researching and rewriting the first part of this post because I have tremendous trepidation over actually putting my theory out there.

As I freely admit in my bio, I'm not a psychologist or trained theologian, so take what I'm about to say as just another marriage blogger's opinion, worth what you paid for it.

Enough caveats. Out with it.

I believe so many woman are drawn to the Fifty Shades of Grey story because they long to be radically loved and cared for by a strong man. Women paint themselves onto the seemingly blank canvas that is Anastasia Steele, the story's female protagonist, because the idea of surrendering themselves to someone whose heart they totally own and who will completely care for them (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially) is a huge turn-on for many women.

So strong is this desire that women are willing to look past their disdain for Christian Grey's overly controlling and sadistic nature. Though there are exceptions, many women report that the S&M sex is not what drew them to the story and that they have little desire to engage in the practices depicted so graphically in the books and movie.

The Longings of the Heart

It is difficult to paint the complexities of human longing with simple, broad strokes. Yet, due to the sheer mass appeal of FSOG, it's obvious that the story has clearly tapped into many women's basic desires.

My feminist friends are no doubt rolling their collective eyes at my theory. I hear the chant, "Down with the patriarchy and misogynistic notions that women long to be taken care of. What women really want is independence, power and equality!"

Really? I find nothing of what feminists claim that women want within the FSOG story. Nothing. Yet women are drawn to it by the millions.

Now, before you accuse me of being a woman-hating misogynist, you should read more of what I've written on the subject. My "What I Believe About Marriage" would be a good place to start.

Let me state clearly that I believe that a woman can be both strong  and submissive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. And yes, I did just use the S-word. I agree that feminism has helped to right some historical wrongs, and I absolutely believe men and women are of equal worth.

But I also believe that God set up the ordered partnership that is marriage as described in the Bible. I believe that being equal in value does not mean men and women are the same or interchangeable. I believe God filled our hearts with innate desires that correspond to our God-given roles, though the world will try to get us to deny and denigrate our very natures.

I believe that what most wives really want is a husband who will love them radically, selflessly and unconditionally, and who will pursue and woo them relentlessly, as Christ does with the church. I believe they long to find the bliss that comes through willingly surrendering themselves to such a love, only to find themselves the object their husband's deep affection, relentless protection, and generous provision (as we receive from Christ in our love-relationship with him).

And in such a marriage you are going to find some really great sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey is flawed erotic fiction, with all the dangers and falsehoods that attend it . Yet the hugely popular draw of the story compels us to examine more closely a flawless and even more compelling love story, Christ and the church, the picture of marriage as God designed it.

What do you think of my theory? What have I missed? Why do you think FSOG is such a draw for women? Chime in. Leave a comment. 

Pour a little passion into your marriage this Christmas.

It's Friday Freebie time again! Each week this month I'm giving a different gift to you as part of my Gift of Sex series. This week you can win a copy of Shannon Ethridge's book Passion Principles through the contest at the bottom of this post.

I choose this book for the giveaway this week because Shannon really gets it that sex is much more than just a physical thing. It is also spiritual, mental and emotional. Great sex involves your whole beings, and this book dedicates sections to how to integrate each area into your sex life.

This is a great book to read as a couple in order to spark some conversations, especially if you have a little trouble talking about your sex life. Each chapter includes a "Ponder the Principle" section with conversation inducing questions.

I highly recommend The Passion Principles as a way to give your spouse a gift that will spark a little more passion this Christmas. If you by the book on Amazon through my links you will help support this ministry. Click the links below for the version you want.

• Kindle version
• Paperback version
• Audible Audio version
• MP3 CD version

Pleasure begets passion, which begets more pleasure, which begets more passion...

It's kind of a chicken and egg thing.

Which comes first: passion or pleasure?

The answer: it doesn't matter.

Pleasure and passion go hand in hand; each feeds the other.

Yes, THAT Kind of Pleasure

Having just returned from two weeks in Asia for business, I can tell you that my wife and I both had some pent up passion that spawned some frequent pleasure when I got home - despite the serious jet lag! And the more pleasure we found in each other's arms, the more we kept passion stirred up. That's just how it works.

You see, sexual pleasure isn't like letting the air out of balloon. No, the more you enjoy each other sexually, the more passion grows between you. Frequent enjoyable sexual encounters create an unbreakable bond of intimacy that cements passion in place. This in turn creates a desire to experience more pleasure together.

It's a happy circle. A very happy circle.

I understand the life will cause passion and pleasure to ebb and flow. What if the pleasure cycle is broken and passion seems hard to grasp? You bring back the happy circle one of two ways.

• Method 1: stir your passions. Read this whole series on building passion (starting here) and do the things that create a passionate atmosphere in your marriage. Stir your sexual passions by reminding yourself of past pleasures. Do whatever it takes to get your head back in the game!

• Method 2: jump into pleasure. That's right! Remember the chicken and egg. It doesn't matter where you start. Tell your spouse you want to get your sexual connection back, and tell him or her you want to make love. Don't ask, tell. Asking doesn't count. Put yourself out there. If he or she declines, ask when you can make a date for sex. Don't relent in this. You have to start somewhere. Once you do, allow each encounter to stir passion and build intimacy. 

Life's Daily Little Pleasures

As important as sexual pleasure is in marriage, you need more than sex to keep passion alive and well. You should deliberately do something every day that feeds your soul, something in which you can take pleasure and delight. It doesn't have to be a major thing, in fact it shouldn't be. It can be something as simple as listening to music, or enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in a quiet place. It shouldn't be anything on your task list or that accomplishes anything. It should be done for the pure pleasure of it.

I admit I struggle with this. A lot. I'm driven and busy and live by my to do list. I have difficulty taking time just for pleasure.

If you don't have a habit of taking time daily for pleasure, I suggest you start by making a list of "little pleasures."  These should be things you can do in 5-20 minutes, because after all, let's be realistic. If it takes more than that, you are a lot less likely to do it consistently. Life is too busy. Now the trick is to DO them and do them consistently.

It's not easy to take time for pleasure, but it is so important to keep your soul regularly fed.

In addition to doing things specifically for the pleasure of it, it is also import to learn to take pleasure in doing the things you have to do. Again, this is not something I'm always good at. I tend to be very goal oriented. The objective is often to check it off the list. But the Lord reminds me again and again to take delight in the doing and not just in the being done.

Work at it. Remind yourself.

And remind each other.

Help Each Other Find Pleasure

The cool thing about having a life-mate is that you can help each other find pleasure. 

Help each other with pleasure seeking by asking "What did you do for pleasure today?"  "How did you feed your soul?" And of course if they answer in the negative, you can always offer to help them find a little of THAT kind of pleasure later on or (or maybe right now). I wouldn't make a habit of this, however, because your spouse might begin to avoid pleasure for the express purpose of garnering such an offer from you!! And like I said, you need more than sexual pleasure in your life.

This isn't something to nag each other about but to gently encourage each other toward.

Passion Pointers

Alright, let's get practical.  Here are a few ideas for infusing your life with pleasure and helping your spouse do the same.

• Make a list of "little pleasures" and keep it handy. Little things you can do in 5-20 minutes that feed your soul and make you feel good. 
• Learn some tasty treats that your spouse enjoys and bring one to him or her once in a while for no reason than to just enjoy.
• Be deliberate. If you are a list maker, put little pleasures on your list or in your day planner.
• Make it a goal to have sex at least twice every week. Pleasure makes you want more of it. Plan it if you need to. It still counts.
• Offer your spouse a back rub, foot rub or "other" rub. Offer the pleasure of both non-sexual and sexual touch.
• Make a "peaceful place" in your home or in your yard where you can sit comfortably in a nice ambiance.
• Connect regularly with beauty. I like natural habitats. You might find beauty in paintings or music. Beauty feed your soul. 

Developing a habit of consistent and regular pleasure will go along way toward keeping passion alive in your heart and in your marriage.

What do you do to regularly find pleasure? Leave a comment.

[Wives Only Wednesday]

Learning to express appreciation to your husband will positively impact the passion level between you.

On Monday I told husbands about the power that being intentionally positive has to grow passion. Today I’m addressing wives with a slightly different take on the topic.

Daily Choices

The relationship between positivity and passion may not be all that obvious to you, so let me explain a little further.

As I said in my last post, it’s really about shifting the atmosphere in your marriage. Think about. If what you think on and speak about is mostly the problems and issues in your relationship with your husband, they will tend to be amplified and multiplied. But the same is true when you are able to shift your words and thoughts to the many good things about your man and your marriage.

Whatever you focus on grows. If you want to good stuff to grow, think and speak these things.

It largely comes down to a whole bunch of little daily decisions. You can choose either to amplify the positive or the negative as each issue/opportunity presents itself. You can also learn habits of thankfulness and gratitude.

Idealism or Realism

You might be reading this and thinking that I’m being too idealistic with such talk. You might be saying, “You don’t know my husband or my situations” or “The problems are too in my face to ignore.”

But I’m not saying you can or should ignore problems and hope they go away. No, not at all. What I’m saying is that if those are ALL you focus on, if they preoccupy your thoughts and dominate your conversations, it will poison the atmosphere and leave little space for the good things to see the light of day. Negativity kills passion. Period.

So acknowledge and deal with issues that matter, but don’t let them define your relationship. Your marriage is not defined by the problems you face. Your marriage is defined by the fact that you and your husband are one, even if you don’t feel like it, so you might as well enjoy the fruit of that oneness and let intimacy and passion that results be what defines your marriage. I believe it is possible.

Passion Pointers

Opinions vary, but I’ve heard it said that it takes doing something anywhere from 15-25 times before it becomes a habit. So if you can purposefully choose positivity a couple times a day, it will only take a week or two before you will begin to change your default actions and reactions. Do this, and watch the passion in your marriage begin to grow.

Here are a few ways to be purposefully positive with your husband:

• Thank your husband for working so hard to support the family (assuming he is the primary bread winner). It’s easy to take this for granted, but it will mean a lot to him when you acknowledge it out loud. Chances are he feels tremendous financial pressure to provide.
• Pay your husband a compliment about his physical appearance. We tend to think that this is primarily a female need, but your husband does want to know you are attracted to him. Truthfully the best way to communicate your attraction to him is to initiate sex. Words are helpful, but actions in this area matter more.
• Send your husband a text to say you are thinking about something he did for you recently and specifically thank him for it. Tell him what it meant to you. Gratefulness will definitely cause him to want to do these kinds of things for you more in the future.
• Is there something your husband does as a matter of routine that you have come to take for granted? It’s easy to do, especially if he’s been doing it all of your married life.  Stop and think, and then occasionally, when he does one of them, tell him you appreciate it. It will count double if you give him a slightly longer than usual kiss to go along with it.

Maybe I haven’t convinced you totally of the power that positivity has to help raise the passion level in your marriage. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.

For the next week or two, really listen to the words you speak and pay attention to the thoughts you think. Choose to turn them toward the many good things about your husband and your marriage. Come back and let us know how it affected the atmosphere between you and your husband.

[Men Only Monday]

Sincere expressions of genuine thanks hold great power to deepen intimacy and increase passion.

Have you ever heard the phrase “You become what you behold?” The idea is that whatever you focus on will tend to grow and intensify. Nowhere is this more true than in your marriage.

Today we continue to delve into ways you can grow the passion level between you and your wife by being a little more positive.

Change the Atmosphere

It’s easy to focus mostly on the areas in your marriage where you feel your wife isn’t meeting your needs. It’s natural to give disproportionate attention to the things she does that annoy you. Even though it’s easy and natural to become preoccupied with the negative stuff in your marriage, it’s also a total passion killer.

On the other hand, if you can learn to focus your mental and emotional energy mostly on the many good things about your wife, it will drastically shift the atmosphere in your marriage. I promise you that when you develop a habit of being grateful, appreciative and positive, your wife will respond by mirroring what she sees you doing, even if it isn't a conscious response.

The Power of Sincere Thanks

Chances are your wife is already well aware of the areas where she disappoints you. When you reinforce those thoughts it simply drives the wedge between you deeper. But when you learn to give grace in the areas where there is lack or weakness on her part and instead express sincere appreciation for her, it builds intimacy and makes it easier for her to draw close to you.

Sincere thanks hold great power to deepen intimacy and enhance passion.

How often do you thank your wife for the things she does routinely for you and the family? Do you compliment her on meals well prepared or do you tend to just stuff the food down and move on? Do you specifically thank her for taking care of the kids or working outside the home and supporting the family in this way or do you just take it for granted? Be watchful and purposeful to express appreciation for all that she does for you and the family.

Passion Pointers

Here are a few specific habits you can work on that will help you become more positive in a way that will help build a more passionate atmosphere in your marriage.

• Pay your wife a specific compliment on her appearance. Every. Single. Day. Chances are that she is in a significant body image battle , and you are either fighting for her or against her.
• Several times a week thank your wife for something she’s done as a matter of routine (laundry, dishes, kid’s baths, cooking, working, whatever). Pair your thanks with some physical, non-sexual touch, such as a tender kiss or a firm hug to drive the point home further.
• Make yourself a list of things you most appreciate about your wife and about your marriage. Keep it handy, on your phone or computer or in your wallet. Once in awhile, take it out and remind  yourself of these things.
• Next time your wife does something that would normally annoy you (come one, you know what I mean - we all have those pet peeves), pass it off with an attitude of grace instead of smirking, badgering her or getting huffy. Of course, serious offenses need to be dealt with in a healthy and respectful manner so as not to allow resentment to build up.

It's true that focusing on the positive has definite potential to up the passion in your marriage, if you can just learn to shift your thinking.

What other ways do you keep things in your marriage positive?  Share your ideas in a comment.

What do a sports fan, an activist and a health nut have in common with the God of the universe?

I’m continuing today with my series on passion, which started back here.

Next time we will continue looking at more ways to build the passion in your marriage, but for today I want to pause to examine passion from some non-marital perspectives in the hopes of broadening your thinking.

If you’ve been following this series, you could already be catching on that passion in marriage might go beyond what you thought. However, maybe you need some help thinking beyond the romantic and sexual dimensions of passion? If so, read on.

Passion's Many Forms

What is a passionate sports fan? One who is super excited about their team. They probably talk enthusiastically about their team to anyone who will listen, and maybe some who would rather not. They proudly display their team's colors. They get to know their team’s every intimate detail. Are you this passionate about the team you and your spouse make?

Some are passionate for a cause. These are those activists who give lots of their time to it and prioritize it above other things in their life. They give generously to the cause. They believe in the cause and fight for it. They might read about it and study to gain more insight into whatever their cause is. Are you this passionate about the cause of your marriage?

Still others are passionate about health and fitness. They watch over their diet, ensuring only good things go into their bodies. They are intentional about working out regularly, keeping themselves strong and fit. Disinterested observers might label them a health nut. What about you? Are you a marriage-health nut?

The Ultimate Passion

There is one passion that makes all others pale in comparison.

Did you know that God is passionate about you? Do you have any idea how fiery and zealous His love for you is? Do you realize the lengths He will go to in order to have an intimate relationship with you, including sending His Son Jesus to die a cruel death?

God pursues you endlessly. He knows you completely, yet loves you radically.

For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39 (AMP)

Yes, it is safe to say that God is a passionate lover! Does that notion make you uncomfortable? It shouldn't. The truth is that we are made in His image. If we experience passion, He must also. Of course God's passion has no sexual component, but a direct spiritual parallel that is full of affection and longing for you and me.

Take some time to think about your passions and the passions of those around you. Consider how these other passion perspectives can help to expand your view of the passion you have for your marriage and your spouse. Most of all, study the passion of God and let it inspire you toward a passionate marriage.

Can you think of other examples of passion that might help us understand passion in marriage a little better? Let’s hear you ideas.  Leave a comment.

When was the last time you and your spouse did something just because it was fun?

Next up in this series on how to grow a more passionate marriage: Playfulness.

Looking for the Passion Switch

I think it's fair to say that most couples would like to have more passion in their marriage. So, why don't more couples achieve it?

One reason is that passion requires persistence. There is no "passion switch" that will suddenly triple the passion level in your marriage. Even occasional intensely passionate encounters, as great as they are, won't be enough to sustain passion.

Remember, passion is more than just what happens in the bedroom (or wherever). Passion has to do with relishing in every dimension of your marriage, the sexual, the spiritual, the relational - all of it. It's being crazy about your spouse and being willing to show it consistently, every single day. It's spending time together and connecting regularly on an emotional level. Maybe you think that's too idealistic, but passion is truly a daily choice, or rather, a set of daily choices.

Developing a passionate atmosphere in your marriage is mostly a frame of mind; it's something that burns on the inside of you. Learn to take delight in who your spouse is. Take pleasure in your marriage. Be thankful for what you have, but always go for more!

One thing you should be deliberate about is to regularly inject playfulness into your marriage.

Just For the Fun of It

How long has it been since you and your spouse did something just to have some fun? Really. No agendas, not on the to do list, no real purpose even. Just for fun.

Regularly injecting a little playfulness into your marriage will go a long way toward keeping passions alive.

When was the last time you laughed together until your sides hurt? Can't remember? Maybe you need to play a little more.

In addition to regularly having fun, another important dimension of playfulness is maintaining a sense of adventure.

Once in a while, do something you have never done before, just to mix things up a little and keep life interesting. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom. Even small adventures, like visiting a park you've never gone to before, enjoying a new cuisine or trying a new sexual position, will add to the sense of freshness and help keep you from getting stuck in a rut.

Here's the truth, too much routine can be passion poison!

So step outside your comfort zone once in a while and infuse your marriage with a bit of creativity and excitement. It will do wonders for the passion in your marriage.

Passion Pointers

What is fun or exciting is going to be different for every marriage. What's fun to one couple is going to be lame to another. It can also be true that what is exciting to you might be either terrifying or completely boring to your spouse. That's why you have to work together on playfulness. Find what works for you both.

Here are just a few ideas to get you thinking:

• Go see a funny movie together. Yes, go to an actual theater.
• Learn a new card game. Add some adventure by making up a strip version!
• Buy and play a new board game.
• Make love in a different room of the house.
• Pick a new restaurant to visit next time you go out to dinner instead of "the usual." Try ordering something you've never tasted before.
• Make plans to explore a new nearby city together
• Take a cooking class or dancing lessons
• Surprise your spouse with one of these ideas.

On a whim, I recently shocked Jenni when I agreed for us to take some Salsa dancing lessons that were being offered at our church. We quickly discovered that we are no Fred and Ginger, but we had lots of fun and got to laugh hysterically at ourselves once every week for several months.

The thing is, as I said above, you are going to have to be purposeful about playfulness. In the midst of the craziness of life, fun and adventure won't necessarily just happen on their own. You will have to make room for them and be intentional about it. Trust me, though, it will pay off.

What do you and your spouse do to play together? Share your experiences and ideas in a comment.

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If you missed the other post in the Passion Series:

• Passion: the key to delighting in one another 
• Pursue your wife (Men Only Monday)
• Pursue your Husband (Wives Only Wednesday) 

[Wives Only Wednesday]

Spark passion by relentlessly pursuing your husband HIS way.

I proposed last week in "From Discipline and Duty to Delight"  that passion is a key ingredient to delighting in your husband. When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give generously and to love and serve him.

On Monday I offered husbands the first of four ways to pump up the passion: pursuit.

Today, I'm addressing wives separately, because pursuit typically looks very different to men and women.  As I told the guys, if you want to raise the passion level in your marriage, you are going to have to pay attention to it and purposefully cultivate a more passionate atmosphere.

Rethinking Passion

What do you envision when you hear the term “passionate marriage?”

If you are like many women, then you likely think of scenes from some of the chick flicks you’ve watched or the romance novels you’ve read.  Or maybe you are thinking more like your husband might and envisioning steamy lovemaking scenes.  Regardless, I want to push you to expand your thinking a bit beyond the romantic and sexual aspects of your marriage, though passion certainly does include those.

The kind of passion I'm talking about refers to having an underlying sense of excitement and fervor about your spouse and your marriage, having a relationship full of intensity, joyfulness and unbridled enthusiasm in both the sexual and non-sexual dimensions of your relationship.

Building a passionate marriage starts with desire. You have to want it, and you have to be willing to go after it with determination. Passionate marriages don't just happen. They are sought, cultivated and guarded. Passionate marriages only happen on purpose.

Passion = Pursuit

It's fairly common knowledge that every woman likes to feel pursued, but did you know that your husband also wants to be pursued? It's true. But the nature of what he considers pursuit is likely quite different than what you think of as pursuit.

If you want your husband to feel pursued by you, then you have to pursue him HIS way. And that may not be a way you are used to thinking.

The kind of pursuit your husband has in mind probably has a significant sexual component. There is some truth to the adage that "Men want a princess in the streets and a wildcat between the sheets." There are various versions of this, some much more vulgar, but the idea is the same. Your man feels desired and pursued when you act overtly sexual toward him. That idea might be uncomfortable for you, but I challenge you to try it for yourself. Step outside your comfort zone once in a while and watch his reaction.

The other way your husband will feel pursued is when you let him know how much you admire him as a man, as a leader, as a provider. Your husband wants to be your hero, even if he knows he sometimes falls short of that mark. I can tell you that if you pursue him with your admiration, he is much more likely to step into the hero role than if you criticize him.

Passion Pointers

What matters most is what constitutes genuine pursuit to your own husband. It could be that sexual advances and admiration won't do it for him. If you don't have a clue where to start, come right out and ask him. Be willing to really hear what he says without defending your past actions (or inactions).

Just in case you aren't sure where to start,  I'll give you a few suggestions:

• Write him a suggestive love note. Recall a favorite encounter or tell him a few specific things about how he made you feel in bed recently.
• Surprise him with tickets to his favorite sporting event or musical group. You get bonus points if it is something he knows isn't your favorite pastime.
• Bring him a little token of your love the next time you are out shopping, something you know he'll really appreciate. Tell him, "I saw this and thought of you."
• Give him a back, neck or foot rub. While you do thank him sincerely for things he's done for you recently or for working so hard at his job to provide for you.
• Initiate sex in a creative way. Example: leave a note on the kitchen table for him to find telling him you are waiting for him in bed and to come up now.
• Learn how to flirt with him over text message. If you want to get more explicit, there are a number of private, secure apps you can use.

You'll find a few other tips in my post "Endless Pursuit."

Two things are true about pursuit: 1) you should never stop doing it, and 2) it has to be done in whatever way means pursuit to your husband.

How are you doing in the area of pursuit? What have you found that means pursuit to your man? If there are any husbands  listening in, can you offer your thoughts on what makes you feel pursued? Leave a comment.

[Men Only Monday]

Spark passion by relentlessly pursuing your wife HER way.

I proposed in my last post, From Discipline and Duty to Delight, that passion is a key ingredient to delighting in your wife. When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give generously and to love and serve her.

But how do you raise the passion level in your marriage? It doesn't happen by default. It requires you to purposefully cultivate a more passionate atmosphere.

In this series I propose four ways to pump up the passion. Today I'm addressing husbands with Part 1: Pursuit.

(For the wives version, check back on Wednesday!)

Passion Re-framed

What do you envision when you hear the term “passionate marriage?”

If you are a typical male, then you likely think of steamy sex and lots of it. And there’s nothing wrong with that! However, I want to push you to expand your thinking beyond the bedroom.

While it may be possible to have a passionate sex life while the rest of your marriage is in the doldrums, it’s a pretty unlikely combination. So if you want things to heat up in the bedroom, work to set the rest of your marriage on fire. Learn to cultivate passion in the entirety of your marriage.

Passion = Pursuit

You should never stop pursuing your wife. I mean never, even if you've been marriage 50 years. When you stop pursuing her, it sends your wife the message, "You are no longer the one I would choose."

How do you pursue your wife?  Let me get this out of the way early: relentlessly pestering her for sex does not constitute pursuit, at least not for most wives.

Instead, pursue your wife her way.  For many wives this means romancing her and wooing her with your love. For some of you it means going back to the kind of things you did when you were trying to win her heart. Maybe you need to bring back the things you used to do to show her your love, but have since let go of, as you allowed every day life to push out the passion.

Pursuit means being attentive to her and really listening to her. Engage and gain understanding of what she has to say.

Most importantly, learn what says "I love you" to your wife, and then go about doing those things on a regular basis.

Your wife wants to be pursued, to know she is worth your time and attention, the center of your affection, and yes, that she is desirable to you. Learn to be passionate and relentless in your pursuit of your wife.

Passion Pointers

As I said above, what matters most is what constitutes genuine pursuit to your wife. If you don't have a clue where to start, you could always ask her (I know, novel thought).

But in case you need a few ideas to get you headed in the right direction, I'll offer these:

• Write her a love letter (keep in mind the kind of letter SHE would like).
• Plan a romantic date. Take care of all the details like reservations and sitter.
• Surprise her with tickets to her favorite show or concert (even and especially if it isn't your favorite)
• Bring her a small gift out of the blue. Tell her it's for no reason other than that you love her and were thinking of her.
• Go for a walk. Hold her hand or put your arm around her. Really listen to her.
• Text her in the middle of the day just to make a connection. Ask her how she is doing. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you love her. 

You'll find a few other tips in my post "Endless Pursuit."

Remember these two truths about pursuit: 1) you must never stop doing it, and 2) it has to be done in a way that means pursuit to your wife.

How are you doing in the area of pursuit? Have you found what means pursuit to your wife? If there are any wives listening in, can you offer us husbands your thoughts on what makes you feel pursued? Leave a comment.

"I don't have disciplines in my life. I have delights."
- Graham Cooke

Recently I had the awesome opportunity to spend an evening in a living room with Graham Cooke, where he uttered the phrase above. It was one among many truth-packed one-liners he offered, each of which could take me days to fully apprehend.

He went on to explain that in his walk with God, he has moved beyond working to do things for God to earn favor and acceptance. Instead, he is able to simply delight himself in God, doing the same kinds of things he did before as disciplines, but doing them instead with a sense of delight. Such activities as prayer, reading the Word, and worship were no longer done with a sense of duty, but with the joy of giving love back to the One who lavishes His love on us.

As is so often the case, I thought immediately of the marital equivalent to this spiritual principle.

Have To, Want To, Get To

In my recent post From "Have To" to "Want To"  I encourage wives to look at sexual intimacy differently. I concluded with this thought:

Let your love for God and your love for your husband, empowered by the Holy Spirit, transform your "have to" into a "want to." Who knows, maybe you might even end up at "get to."

What Graham Cooke described as delight is the attitude of "get to."

You can apply the same idea of "get to" when it comes to a husband meeting his wife's need for emotional connection.

Think about it. When it comes to serving, loving and giving to your spouse in their area of need, how often do you have a "get to" attitude,counting it an honor and privilege? Alternatively, how often do you simply do what you know to be right out of a sense of responsibility or obligation?

Want To Want To

If you find yourself in the place of obligation and duty when it comes to meeting your spouses needs and loving them in the way the want and need to be loved, I want to congratulate you.

Seriously. It may sound like I intend to beat you up with this post, but that is not the case at all. In fact, every marriage will face seasons where there is little joy in giving, where loving your spouse comes down to a daily decision. Those who hang on to their covenant promise "for better, for worse" are to be congratulated. Too many stop trying when they stop feeling it and simply run for the exits.

But I want to encourage you to endeavor to move from "have to" to "want to" by asking God to give you the "want to." God is for your marriage, and He doesn't want you to dwell in the land of obligation in your marriage relationship any more than he wants that in your relationship with Him.

So ask God to help you develop the "want to." Ask Him to fill your heart with His love, which is vastly superior to the love we can come up on our own. Ask Him to remind you of the many attributes that first attracted you to your spouse, and ask Him to bring you back to your "first love." Ask Him to heal any hurts that are causing you to withhold love, to draw back in fear or shame.

It's a prayer God is eager to answer.

The "want to" is the first step. But you have to go further if you want to arrive at "get to." The key is passion.

Living in the Land of Delight

Couples who have moved from discipline to delight, from duty to joyful giving, from "have to," past "want to," and all the way to "get to" tend to have one thing in common: Passion.

Passion is more than just having things steamy in the bedroom, though that is certainly one dimension of it. It extends way beyond the area of physical intimacy into the whole of your marriage. Passion is a frame of mind, a burning on the inside of you, that is full of excitement and fervor for your spouse and your marriage. 

It's not likely that a passionate marriage  will "just happen." No, you have to pursue it, cultivate it, acquire it, and guard it. 

When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give, love and serve each other. Where there is an abundance of passion for each other (both non-sexual and sexual), there is no need to perform, no need to give in order to get love, because in a passionate marriage, love is the baseline; it's a given, a reliable constant.

The Pursuit of Passion

What can you do to get more passion in your marriage?

It's a tricky question, in a way, because I believe passion isn't necessarily obtained directly. Rather, I believe passion is a fruit that grows as a result of a change in the atmosphere of your marriage. Don't despair, though, there are definitely concrete actions you can take to change your relationship in a way that will naturally build more passion into your marriage.

In coming posts I'll be sharing four key areas of focus for building passion. I'm calling this series the Four P's of Passion. I'll be addressing husbands and wives separately over the next four weeks in Men Only Monday and Wives Only Wednesday posts. So stay tuned!

What do you think of my connection between passion and delight? Do you have a testimony to share of when God moved you from "have to" all the way to "get to?" Leave a comment.



PS  If you want to be sure not to miss any of these posts, you might want to sign up to get my blog posts by email.


PPS  I've got a new survey up on my blog that I hope you will help me with:  "Who Owns My Body?" - exploring the controversial verses in 1 Corinthians 7 about the rights to your body in marriage.

Several of my blogging friends have already posted on the things they love about being married. So I thought it was high time I jump in and give you my list too.

Note: you'll find links to other bloggers' "things I love about marriage" posts at the end of this post. Be sure to check them out.

So without further ado, here's my list.

1)  Great Sex

I suppose I'm being stereotypically male by putting this one first. But the truth is that sexual intimacy is the one physical characteristic that distinguishes my marriage from every other relationship in my life. It's more than the icing on the cake of my marriage. It's binds Jenni and I together in powerful ways, like nothing else can. Sex is like super-glue in our relationship. I'll put it right out there that I am thankful we share a passionate and exciting sex life and that Jenni and I try to make it a priority amidst all the craziness of life that tries to prevent it.  See my post "Becoming One Flesh - Literally."

2)  We Are One.

Sex distinguishes our marriage from all other relationship in the physical - it's where we are literally one flesh. It's also true that when we married, we also become one in spirit and soul. Again, this oneness is unique to my relationship with Jenni. We aren't one with our kids, our jobs, our churches, friends or family. We are only one with each other. It means we share a mysterious and supernatural connection to one another that we continue to understand more and more the longer we are married. Check my recent post "What If... You and Your Spouse Really Are One." 

3)  It's a Living Bridal Paradigm

It always amazes me how our marriage informs my understanding of my walk with Jesus.  It works the other way around too. My spiritual life often teaches me about marriage. It makes sense in light of the Bridal Paradigm, the notion that we are the bride of Christ.

4)  We Get Each Other

Jenni and I have been married for almost 32 years, and we really know each other at the deepest level. We enjoy true intimacy. which I define as being fully known and yet totally loved. Without speaking we know how each other will respond in different situations, often exchanging knowing looks. We know each other's strengths, which we rely on, and each other's weaknesses, which we try to have grace for.

4)  She is My Encouragement & Inspiration

My wife is my biggest cheer leader. She is a continual source of encouragement when I face difficulty and a great inspiration for me to live my life toward the destiny God has for me.

5)  We Fit

In many way Jenni and I are opposites. In other ways we are exactly the same. All in all, we just fit.  We counterbalance each other in important ways. Her fun-loving nature balances out my slight melancholy. My love of adventure and discovery balances out her risk aversion. Her social and people skills balance out my complete lack of such things. My practicality and logic (Meyer Briggs T) balances our her total dependence of feelings (Meyers Briggs F).  In other ways, like our spiritual outlook, we are very much in line with each other. We share a common set of core values, such as over finances and the importance of family.

6) We Grow Each Other

I almost said "We Fit Perfectly" for number 5, but I realized that such a relationship probably doesn't exist. That leads me to reason number six. Dr. David Schnarch says, "Marriage is a people growing machine." I agree. If your marriage is anything like mine, it's where the best and worst of you comes out. But in the end we help each other grow and rub the rough edges off of each other.

7) It's Fun!

The truth is I love being married to Jenni because we enjoy each other so much. We have fun together no matter where we go or what we do. We just enjoy each other's presence, even if it's simply sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean and staring quietly at beauty for hours on end (yes, we've done that).

Bonus:
8) Disappearing Kisses

I make no secret about the fact that I think kissing is really important, and I am fortunate that Jenni is a wonderful kisser. We have this thing we call "disappearing kisses." It's a little hard to describe, but if you've had one, you'll know exactly what I mean. It's the kind of kiss that makes everything else disappear. Every worry, every pain, every stress, and every distraction all just fade far into the background and there is just the two of us sharing a soul-stirring and intimate kiss.

What about you? What do you love about being married?  I don't just mean being married in general, but what do you love about being married to your particular spouse? Leave a comment and let the world know!

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Other bloggers proclaiming their love of marriage:

• One Flesh Marriage- Brad and Kate each share their lists

• Black and Married with Kids – 4 Awesome Things I Love About Being a Married Man

• Generous Husband – 7 Awesome Things I Love About Being a Married Man

• Generous Wife – I Love Being Married

• Hot, Holy & Humorous – 6 Things I Love About Being Married

Is it time you started doing a little more with your lips?

In my last post I encouraged you to up your smooching game.

If you don't think kissing is that important, I suggest you reconsider. Try upping your game and see if maybe it just needs a boost. If you have intimacy issues with your spouse, work on those for sure, but maybe a little more kissing might help. If he or she eats too much garlic, try some breath mints.

Whatever the reason, if you've fallen into low-kiss a rut, stop settling and try a few of the ideas below.

You see, I believe God is a big fan of kissing.  Doubt me? Go read Song of Solomon! God is all about intimacy in all forms - including the kind that happens when two people press their lips together.

I actually think he designed us to really enjoy this wonderful form of intimacy between a man and a woman. It's just like Him to do that sort of thing for us.

Try Something New

Are you lacking confidence in your kissing game? Do you need a little inspiration or some fresh ideas. Check the list below, with kisses ranging from silly to sexy:

Kiss across a crowded room - Some enchanted evening, catch your spouse's eye across a room full of people. Smile, pucker your lips make a kissing gesture toward him or her.  It tells your partner that you are thinking of them and loving them despite the crush of humanity between you.

Nibble Kiss - Add a little variety by nibbling or gently biting your spouse's lower lip after a more tender kiss.

French Kiss - A famously promoted but seldom mastered kiss where your tongues dance together. The trick here is to go slowly and not simply thrust your tongue wildly (that's fine for later, after things heat up). Tease his or her lips with the tip of your tongue. Probe gently and wait for a response before taking things up a notch. 

Possessive Kiss - Catch your lover off guard by transforming a simple short kiss into a hot, deeply sensual kiss. Wrap your arms around him or her, hold them tightly and kiss like you mean it! This sends the message "you are mine!"

Earlobe Kiss - Not  everyone likes their ears messed with, but those who do would love to have their earlobes nibbled gently. Whisper a sweet nothing while your are there. Careful though, loud smacking kisses near the ear can really hurt!

Cold Kiss - Use and ice cube or mint to cool your mouth before you kiss. It provides an interesting sensation. If your partner is game it can be very sunsual to pass it between you with your tongue while you kiss.

Nuzzling Kiss - When things are heating up, leave a trail of gentle kisses down one side of your partner's neck and back up the other side. You'll be sure to send tingles through his or her body.

Show and Tell Kiss - Ask your partner to describe his or her favorite kiss, and then try to deliver it.

Upside-Down Kiss - Catch your partner laying down and approach him or her with your head opposite theirs for an interesting kissing sensation.

Almost Kiss - Bring your lips close together and see how long you can go without actually touching.

Take a Kissing Challenge

Kissing Challenge #1 - Makeout Session

See if you can spend ten minutes in a good old fashioned make-out session. Can you make it the full ten minutes with only kissing, nothing more? What you do after the ten minutes is up is totally up to you!

Kissing Challenge #2 - A Kiss to Remember All Day

I gave this idea as part of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. (You can get your copy here.)

When your husband leaves for work today (or some other opportune time) give him a kiss he’ll remember all day. Make it at least 10 or 15 seconds. Wrap your arms tightly around him and press your body into his. Your goal should be to see if you can make him dizzy. Later in the day, call him, text him or tell him in person that you have another kiss like that waiting for him. Make sure you follow up and give him that second kiss.

Husbands, you can do a modified form of this too!


My list of 10 ideas is only the tip of the iceberg. What fresh kissing ideas do you have to offer? Bring them on!

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I'm doing an updated poll of husbands and wives to find out what one thing they most need from their spouses. Please take 30 seconds and answer the relevant poll:

If "a kiss is just a kiss" then you are doing it wrong.

I first saw that tweeted many months ago. I agree wholeheartedly!

In case you didn't catch the reference, it is from the 1942 classic movie Casablanca. The famous song "As Time Goes By" is prominently featured in the movie, the first few lines of which are:

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

You can catch one of the more famous scenes featuring the song by clicking below.

What Is a Kiss?

So if a kiss is not just a kiss, then what is it?

To me, a kiss is:

• An intimate physical expression of the oneness you share
• A publicly acceptable way of showing affection for your spouse
• Eliminates emotional space between your by eliminating physical space
• As close as you can get to each other without actually having sex
• A great way to keep your physical relationship on simmer
• A cheap, fat-free, sugar-free, guilt-free treat. It can, however, be habit forming

Kisses Speak Louder Than Words

I posted a while back about how your eyes speak volumes to your spouse (The Eyes Have It). Well, a kiss speaks even more loudly that your eyes.

It may sound strange, but I can typically tell pretty accurately where my wife is emotionally by how she kisses me. A little, tight-lipped peck says, "There is emotional distance between us right now" or "I'm distracted." A short, casual kiss says, "I love you." If she wraps her arms around me with the kiss, she is adding, "And I'm so glad you're mine." A nice long passionate kiss says, "I desire you."

What are your kisses saying to your spouse? Do you convey your love with your lips? Frequently?

If you aren't the kissing kind, I suggest you rethink that. Kissing is a really important way of connecting physically outside the bedroom. Challenge yourself to up get your lips engaged in your relationship.

Bonus: use your eyes AND your lips. Look lovingly into your spouses eyes as you approach for the kiss. Or afterward share a warm, lingering glance and a smile of appreciation. Sizzle.

Why We Kiss

Science Daily claims that a University of Albany study "found sex differences in the importance and type of kissing. Males tended to kiss as a means to an end -- to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner."  

Both of these point to what males and females are usually looking to get  when they kiss, but in truth, kissing should also be about giving. Giving your love. Giving your emotional vulnerability. Giving your self. Oh, and every once in a while it's okay to kiss your spouse in a way that says, "You are mine!"

Next time I'll be offering a kissing primer to encourage you to amp up your kissing prowess and infuse your marriage with a little more passion.

Let me leave you with this little scene from another movie. It's the ending of The Princess Bride, involving the best kiss since the invention of the kiss.

So what about you, are you a kisser? On a scale of 1-10 , how important is kissing in your marriage? What does kissing do for you and for your marriage? Let's hear it. Leave a comment.

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The August issue of "Pathways," my monthly newsletter completely focused on building the intimacy in your marriage. Go check out this issue, The Intersection of Intimacy and Technology.