Journey to Surrender

Advent reminds you to expect great things in your marriage, but also to look for your spouse and for God to deliver in unexpected ways. 

Contrary to popular notion and the fact that stores have had their halls decked with red and green since October, we are not currently in the season of Christmas.  Technically, until December 25th, we are in the season of Advent. The church calendar observed by many Christians tells us that Advent starts four Sundays before Christmas.

Advent comes from a Latin word that means arrival. The season of Advent is all about expectancy and preparing to celebrate the arrival of Jesus on Christmas.

Advent helps us pause amidst all the shopping and decorating and cookie making to remember what Christmas is really all about: Jesus. In Advent we stir up our longing for Jesus and remember that he is the ultimate expression of God's love for us.

Longing, Waiting Yet Completely Missing It

The religious leaders of Jesus' day had been waiting more than 400 hundred years for the arrival of the Messiah. Yet because they had preconceived notions of the way in which he would come and how he would go about establishing his kingdom, they completely missed the fact that he was standing right before their eyes. Not only did they miss him, they went against him and killed the very one for whom they had been waiting.

Although Jesus came to Earth as a baby, his ultimate goal was to claim for himself an eternal bride. As is so often the case, there is a clear parallel between the spiritual and the marital as we think about Advent.

What are you longing and waiting for more of in your marriage? What preconceived ideas do you have of what that should look like when it comes?

I've written before about how expectations in marriage affect what we perceive (See my post Expectations: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly) . Expectancy bias  can cause you not to see something that's right in front of you because you aren't expecting it or are expecting it in different form.

• Do you miss your spouse's expressions of love because you are looking for them to express love the same way you do?
• Do you miss your spouse's sexual initiatives because they aren't as overt as you would like?
• Do you miss your spouse's small acts of kindness because you expect them to be grander? Or worse, because you don't expect him or her to be kind at all?
• Do you miss small incremental changes in your spouse for the better because you have given up hoping for change or because you want bigger changes?
• Do you discount efforts your spouse makes to help out with chores or errands because they don't do it exactly how you would?

I'm not saying you should settle. I'm saying you should look for and be thankful for every step in the right direction. Thankfulness, appreciation and recognition of the good things in your spouse and marriage will not only encourage your spouse in their efforts but will actually help you see them more easily.

Robyn of Up With Marriage has a great quote in her post this week "Desire to Please"

Whether you think positive or negative about your husband, either way you are right.

God Shows Up In Unexpected Ways

Advent and Christmas remind us of the lavish love, generosity and goodness of God toward us. It also reminds us that sometimes God shows up in ways we don't expect.

God is for you and for your marriage. But if he answers your prayers in ways you don't expect, will you miss it?

• Maybe instead of changing your spouse, he may want to change you?
• Maybe instead of improving your spouse's behavior to line up with your expectations, he may want you to grow in showing grace first?
• Maybe instead of instead of getting your wife to submit, he may want you to get better at selfless love?
• Maybe instead of causing your husband to lead in the way you think he should, he may want you to acknowledge your husband as head and to honor and respect him just as he is today?
• Maybe instead of getting your spouse to apologize, he may want you to be the one to reach across the gap between you that was created by your last argument?

One thing Jesus clearly showed us is that the Kingdom of God is often upside down and backward from conventional or popular thinking (be the greatest by being a servant, the last shall be first, foolish things confound the wise, love your enemies, etc.). So when it comes to your marriage, you might just need to be open to some unconventional and even counter-cultural answers from the Lord.

In fact, I'd expect it.

These last days of Advent, consider where you might need to adjust your expectations of your spouse and marriage in ways to allow you to celebrate all that is good in your relationship. 

And as we wait to celebrate God showing up on Christmas, remember that God may also show up in your marriage in ways you don't expect.

The best sex happens when you both start looking at sex as a wonderful privilege.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.  The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

1 Cor 7:3-4 NLT

Have you ever heard anyone preach a sermon on this scripture? I would guess not.

Giving authority over your body to your spouse? Taking personal responsibility to see that your spouse's sexual needs are met? That's some pretty scary stuff Paul is laying out here.

Check out The Message version. I feel like it gets at the heart of what Paul is trying to say:

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Survey Says...

I did a survey a while back to find out what people thought about these verses. To my surprise, 93% of people said they agree or agree strongly that these verses still apply to marriages today. In the same survey, 88% agreed or agreed strongly that they were the one responsible for their spouse's sexual satisfaction, with very little difference between men and women respondents.

So why are so many marriage suffering from a lack of sexual fulfillment? Only half of the people who took my survey were satisfied with their sex lives. (Side note: people who take sex surveys are generally more sex positive than the population in general, so I suspect the real dissatisfaction numbers are significantly higher).

I think a lot of the dissatisfaction has to do with how we view our sexual relationship.

Most couples are not evenly matched when it comes to sex drive. My own poll found that less than 10% of couples see themselves as having equal drive. Depending on whether you are the higher drive or lower drive spouse you might be tempted toward one of two views of sex: right or duty.

Sex as a Right

A higher drive spouse might read 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 and say they have the right to obtain sexual fulfillment with his or her spouse. This right extends so far as to include husband and wife each having authority over the other's body. So does a high drive spouse have the right to demand sex?

Well, that may be technically true, but demanding sex because you have a right to it is not very likely to lead to sexual fulfillment. It certainly is not going to produce genuine sexual intimacy in your marriage. It is not an expression of love and will not lead to lovemaking.

Sex as a Duty

If you are a wife or husband with a lower sex drive than your spouse, and you have read the Scripture above, you might be tempted to look at sex as a duty. In fact, the NIV translation of this passage uses that exact phrasing. "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." So is sex a duty?

Well, again, that may be semantically true. But viewing sex with your spouse simply as a duty is not going to provide much sexual satisfaction for your spouse - or for you. Duty sex is pretty easy to detect. In fact, many would rather forgo sex if their spouse is only going to give it to them out of obligation.

Sex as  a Privilege

So if we should not view sex either as a right or as a duty, how should we look at it?

Let me suggest instead that you think of sex a privilege.

A privilege is "a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people... something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure."

For the spouse on the lower drive side of things, start to move from thinking "I have to" toward thinking "I get to." Take delight in the unique privilege you have to provide sexual pleasure to your spouse.

For the higher drive spouse, rather than focusing on the the sex your aren't having, start focusing on and finding enjoyment in the sex you are having. Rather than concentrating what your spouse is not doing for you sexually, consider ways to provide for his or her non-sexual needs; not in order to manipulate them into giving you more sex, but out of a heart of love and serving.

Think of sex as a celebration of your love and an area for finding creative ways to express your delight in one another. If you are all he/she gets, don't you want to be all he/she ever wants? It's your love life; make it a great one.

The best sex happens when you both start seeing sex as the wonderful privilege it is, designed by God to foster the deepest intimacy in your relationship. Sex is the only kind of intimacy that you can enjoy with your spouse alone.

How might you approach sex with your spouse differently this week in light of the beautiful privilege that it is designed to be?

Creating a sexual menu together is a great way to talk openly about your sexual wishes.

Continuing with last week's culinary theme (6 Ways Food and Sex Go Together), this week we'll use the analogy of a menu to examine your sexual repertoire.

It's not unusual for couples to struggle in the bedroom. Conflicts arise over what's okay and what's not, when one or both partners feel stuck in a rut, and when opinions differ about exploring new sexual territory.

The menu concept is a helpful way to discuss these issues with your spouse in a non-confrontational and collaborative way. Let's take a look at how that might work.

Think of the various activities in your sexual repertoire as a menu. You and your spouse can discuss the various menu sections listed below in order to come to mutual agreement. My suggestion is that you actually create your sexual menu on paper or computer or phone and store it in a private and secure location that is password protected, but where you can both get to it easily.

House Favorites

These are the tried and true sexual activities you both enjoy. These trusty house favorites are your go to menu items when you don't feel like trying something different and you just want to connect in a deep and pleasurable way that's sure to leave you both feeling satisfied. Talk about what's on your favorites list and write them down. His favorite and hers may not be the same, and that's okay, but limit it to a maximum of about 10 items in total.

Appetizers

Foreplay is like the appetizers  on your sexual menu.  It's an often neglected yet important dimension of your sex life that should get the same level of attention and consideration as the main course. Good foreplay takes time and requires you to be intentional in pursuing and wooing your spouse. One useful way to talk about foreplay is for each of you to complete the sentence, "It really gets me turned on when you/we ______."  And remember that foreplay can and should happen throughout the day and not just in the minutes immediately preceding intercourse. Your appetizer list should contain 10-15 items that get your motor running.

Lighter Fare

Last week I likened quickie sex to fast food, noting that it's okay once in a while, but it's not healthy if your diet consists of nothing but fast food. Quickies are also like the "lighter fare" section of the menu. Lighter fare choices are a great choice when your appetite for sex isn't strong but your partner desires the physical connection that sustains the emotional intimacy in your relationship. If quickies are on your lighter fare menu, talk about the how and where you would like these encounters to happen. Just because these encounters are quick, doesn't mean you can't be creative. In addition to quickies, manual or oral stimulation to orgasm of the desiring person can help sustain the sexual momentum in your relationship until you have time, energy and the desire for something from the "heavier" main course menu items.

Daily Specials

The daily specials section of your sexual menu is where you make room for experimentation. On this list go the new ideas that either of you might want to try out sometime, assuming you are both comfortable with it. Joint willingness is essential! Keep in mind that after trying a "new dish" a time or two, you may decide to move it to the favorites menu, keep it on the daily specials menu, or remove it from the menu altogether. That's okay! It's also okay for a specials item to remain on the menu for an extended time before you finally decide to try it out.

Dessert

The sexual equivalent of the dessert menu are those things that you add on top of your normal routine that make a sexual encounter extra special. This could includes things like using a sexual toy, a challenging but pleasurable intercourse position, different methods of orgasm, or sex in a new/special location. The point of this list is to have ideas at hand that you wouldn't necessarily want to include all the time, but that add just a bit of extra spice to your sex life.


The menu metaphor might be just the tool to give you and your spouse an easy way to talk about your sexual desires and wishes in a non-threatening and cooperative way. Do your best to be open to one another's menu suggestions. When you don't agree on something (and there will be things you don't agree on) keep in mind that just because you don't want something to go on the menu, it doesn't mean your spouse is a bad person for wanting it. In the same way, just because your spouse doesn't agree to put something  you want on the menu, it doesn't make him or her a prude.

Approach this discussion with grace and an open mind!

And remember to revisit your menu from time to time. Just like a restaurant, you will want to make adjustments as preferences change over time.

Do you think the menu metaphor would work in your marriage? What other menu metaphors would you add to my list? Leave a comment.

Valuable culinary lessons to help your marriage grow in sexual intimacy
No, this is not a post about creative uses for whipped cream and chocolate sauce in the bedroom (not that there would be anything wrong with that!).

Rather, I've listed below six dining metaphors that are useful for considering and improving the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

1) Fast Food

Amid the chaos and demands of daily life, sometimes quickie sex is all you’ll have the time and energy for, but you can’t live on that alone. It’s unhealthy and costly in the intimacy department. Sometimes you need to set aside an hour or two just to focus on finding pleasure in one another. When it comes to sexual intimacy, there is no substitute for time.

2) Fine Dining

Upscale restaurants pay a lot of attention to the way your meal looks on the plate. Appearances do matter and can leave a lasting impression. How much effort do you put into your “presentation” at bed time? Brush your teeth, comb your hair, strategically add a dab of perfume or cologne, wear something to bed your spouse finds appealing and that makes you feel sexy. Make your bedroom appealing with candles, nice music, and luxurious sheets.  Going the extra mile in preparation tells your spouse that you love them and desire them.

3) A New Cuisine

It’s fun and exciting to experience a great new restaurant.  Similarly, there’s a new kind of sexual energy and focus that is available with a change of venue. If you haven’t done so recently, book a hotel room or a mountain cabin for a weekend. It will give you time to focus exclusively on each other, without the normal pressures of home, and allows you plenty of time to enjoy each other sexually. And the change of scenery can help break you out of a sexual rut, giving you the freedom to experiment and change things up a little. I don’t know exactly why, but there’s just something different about sex when there is a number on the door. (If a hotel is out of the question for budgetary or child care reasons, pick a new room of the house as a change of venue.)

4) Fasting

While regular and frequent sex is an important part of a healthy marriage, it's possible to use prescribed periods of abstinence (5, 7, 10 days or whatever you mutually decide would not be unhealthy) to create and build sexual anticipation. The idea is to rev up non-sexual intimacy, to give all your attention to expressing love and desire without sex. Go ahead and tease and flirt. Talk about how much you miss the pleasure, and plan what you will do when it’s all over – it’s all part of the build up to breaking your fast.

5) Binging

In the opposite vein, I have also seen regular “sex challenges” on various marriage websites that dare couples to go for 3, 7, 10 or even 30 days of sex in a row. However long you choose to binge on each other, the goal is to make sex a priority and then to use the time to learn about your self and each other sexually. I have seen many testimonies of the positive, rejuvenating impact such a challenge have on marriages.

6) Junk Food

Face it, we are surrounded by things that are sexually unhealthy. The media and entertainment industries rarely portray married sex as fulfilling and exciting. Instead they glamorize randomly “hooking up,” sensationalize and normalize extramarital affairs, and portray marriage as an out of date and irrelevant institution. Modern technology grant easy access to things like pornography, chat rooms and a vast array of other marriage-destroying opportunities. Just don’t. Even things as “harmless” as Facebook and romance novels can do damage. When it comes to your marriage, keep the sexual junk food out!

What other dining metaphors can you come up with? Share them in a comment.

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Do you want to improve your sex life further but have a hard time talking about sex with your spouse? You can get my ebook How to Have a Succ-Sex-Full Marriage for free when you sign up for my monthly newsletter and blog digest. Sign up now!

Are body image issues keeping you from being "naked without shame" with your spouse?

My posts on body image are consistently very popular with readers. The high level of interest in this topic convinces me that this is a major issue, especially for women, and something that hinders both physical and emotional intimacy in many marriages.

If you or your spouse struggle with body image issues, be sure to read these posts and take action to deal with it. It's worth it!!

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The Body Image Battle

This is a post directed at husbands, encouraging them to help their wives win the ever-present war that rages against their self-image.

Your wife is in a major battle. It’s an important and difficult battle. In this battle you must choose sides. You can choose to fight for her or against her. There is no middle ground, because if you are not fighting for her, in her mind you are fighting against her...

Read the post

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The Body Image Battle Continues

This is a post directed at wives, encouraging them to embraces some basic truths about their bodies. Among them:

• Your husband wants you to feel beautiful
• Your husband already knows the parts of your body you don't like
• Your husband likes your body
• Your husband is attracted as much by your confidence as by your appearance

Read the post

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What If Your Husband Really Does Love Your Body?

This post is part of my "What If..." Series and a Wives Only Wednesday post that encourages wives to ask themselves this question:

How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

Read the post

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If your marriage is being negatively impacted by body image issues, I encourage you not to just live with it as something "normal." It may be common, but that is no reason not to do something to address it.

Never stop working toward deeper intimacy!

I posted another popular intimacy post, Choosing the Path of Intimacy, in a Friday Favorite a few months ago. Below is another top twenty post from that same series on intimacy.

From the original post "Intimacy - As Much as You Want."

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This is the fifth in my series on choices that lead to The Path of Intimacy. Go here to see where this started and to get a complete list of the related posts in this series.

Would it offend you if I told you that you can have as much intimacy in your marriage as you want? I know it’s a risky statement. And I know there will always be exceptions, such as a spouse who is ill-willed, abusive and/or unwilling to put anything into the marriage.

But in general, I believe two things about intimacy

1. You can have as much or as little intimacy in your marriage as you want.
2. There’s always more.

How Much Do You Want It?

There’s an important companion question to the question of how much intimacy do you want. How much do you want it?

Intimacy is organic, a living thing. So if you want it to grow then you have to feed it. A lot.

Left untended, the natural track of intimacy is decline. The Path of Separation, as I call it, is an easy one, and to some extent it is the path of human nature. It is easy and natural for you each choose to focus on your selves, your own needs, your own fulfillment and satisfaction. If you choose to live mostly self-focused and self-protected, intimacy will eventually wither and die.

The Path of Intimacy, on the other hand, takes deliberate choice, or should I say deliberate choices. Lots of them.

I believe that optimally there’s a progression of sorts on The Path of Intimacy, as I’ve said before. It starts with spiritual intimacy, which enables and deepens intimacy in the realm of the soul (emotional and intellectual intimacy), all of which culminates in the ultimate act of intimacy, sexual.

There can be breakdowns or issues anywhere along the way. If it is more sexual intimacy you are after, look back to spiritual and emotional intimacy for issues that need to be addressed. Are spiritually connected? Do you pray together and talk about your spiritual lives regularly? How are you doing with emotionally intimacy? Are you willing to be “naked without shame” in the realm of the soul? Are you transparent with your spouse and intellectually honest? Do you express love in the way your spouse wants it to be expressed? Husbands, do you cherish, protect and nurture your wife? Wives, do you show your husband the kind of respect and admiration he seeks?

How much are you willing to invest to get the kind of intimacy you want?

There’s Always More

Regardless of where you are on the Path of Intimacy, there is always further to go. I purposefully use the word “journey” to describe the lifelong pursuit of deeper marital intimacy. It never stops. Or at least it doesn’t need to.

If you are feeling stalled or even if you are feeling like you have maximized the intimacy you enjoy with your spouse, ask yourself whether you have stopped investing in it. There is always more you can do to stretch yourself and your marriage in ways that enhance intimacy.

Again, I encourage you to look broadly up and down the path for opportunities to grow intimacy. In your sex life, how often do initiate things? Do you try out new ideas or seek new adventures in physical intimacy? As for intellectual intimacy, have you considered learning a new hobby together, taking dancing lessons, researching and visiting a new country, or jointly getting involved in a worthy cause? Is the emotional intimacy between you still growing, or have you decided you already know everything about each other there is to know? In your spiritual life, think about reading a good book the would spur you to spiritual growth, joining a small group or getting involved in a ministry.

Each area of intimacy feeds the other, so as the two of you continue to learn how to live your “one flesh” union, make sure that intimacy is thriving and growing in your whole beings: spirits, souls and bodies.

Focus on Your Part

There’s a strong temptation when dealing with the area of intimacy to play the blame game. It’s easy to blame our spouse for the lack we feel in the intimacy department. While the truth is that maximum intimacy is only achieved when you are both work at it diligently, it is also true that you can only change you.

Of course I encourage honest, open, and non-defensive expression of needs and desires. After all, your partner can’t possibly satisfy and delight you (which should be their primary focus) if he or she doesn’t know what you want and need. But truthfully, most of your effort should be focused on what you can do in your role as husband or wife to enhance intimacy. What are you doing to satisfy and delight your wife or husband? Where are his or her needs going unfulfilled?

If at all possible, and this is where it gets really hard, do the things you know you should do to enhance intimacy without the expectation of getting something in return. You want to avoid the mentality of “giving to get” and instead think in terms of “giving to bless.” This is the way of selfless and unconditional love.

Where are you on the Path of Intimacy? How much more do you want? And what are you willing to do to get it?

There is one benefit to lovemaking that stands out above them all.

There are many great reasons to increase the amount of sexual activity in your marriage. Research has shown it boosts your immune system, improves brain function, burns calories, lowers stress and improves sleep.

As great as all these benefits are, there is one that stands out in my mind above them all:

Making Love More Makes More Love

There is no universal standard to dictate how much sex a couple should have. My own recent study shows that having sex more than once a week increases the chances for a highly satisfying sex life by a factor of 12 compared to those having sex less than once a week. That's not a 12% difference, that is 12 TIMES.

However, regardless of how often you make love, making love more often pays huge dividends in one very key area of your marriage: love.

5 Ways Lovemaking Grows Love

Here are 5 ways in which sexual intimacy grows the love in your marriage.

1) It bonds you together - During lovemaking and especially during orgasm, the hormone oxytocin is released. It's a powerful bonding brain chemical that gives us a feeling of attachment. Another hormone released after lovemaking, vasopressin, has similar bonding effects. "Essentially, vasopressin released after intercourse is significant in that it creates a desire in the male to stay with his mate, inspires a protective sense (in humans, perhaps this is what creates almost a jealous tendency) about his mate, and drives him to protect his territory and his offspring." (See more in this study)

2) It deepens your emotional connection - in addition to these bonding effects, making love builds intimacy in your relationship because by it's very nature sex invites vulnerability. You can't have intimacy without being known, and you can't be known unless you are willing to be vulnerable. The bedroom (or wherever) tends to be a place of deep vulnerability. For most men, sexual satisfaction actually opens a wide pathway to seeking (yes seeking) an emotional connection with their wives, and for many women, making love tends to cause them to want more sex. This creates a positive cycle of intimacy.

3) It changes the atmosphere in your marriage - the positive cycle of intimacy created by regular lovemaking causes a prevailing sense of sexual satisfaction and a deep sense of general well-being. A man who feels that his wife desires him will feel very loved, and when he also know that she is satisfied by him it boosts his self-confidence. These give him the feeling that he can take on the world. Wives will similarly enjoy the well-being created by the increased intimacy and emotional connection. It's a win-win.

4) It says "I love you" to the higher drive spouse - When a lower-drive spouse pursues sexual intimacy with his or her higher drive mate, it sends a very clear message, "Your needs are a priority to me and I want to satisfy you." In short, expressing love in the form of sexual intimacy says "I love you" loud and clear.

5) It's the ultimate expression of oneness - God designed sex purposefully to be the pleasurable pinnacle of marital intimacy. It's a beautiful love expression that is reserved by God solely for husband and wife. Sexual intimacy is where God's plan that "the two become one flesh" takes on a literal meaning.

Do you want more love in your marriage? Try raising the priority of and setting aside time and energy for making love. It will make love grow. 

When facing your marriage expectations, it's important to consider where they came from.
Last time we examined how expectations can be helpful or hurtful to your marriage.

But how do you identify good, healthy, helpful expectations as opposed to those that are unreasonable and potentially damaging?

To help you sort out the good, the bad and the ugly, you might just want to look at the sources of your expectations.

Some Not-So-Healthy Sources

Generally speaking the sources below almost always lead to unrealistic expectations:

• TV & Movies - for the most part modern movies convey totally unhelpful depiction of marriage, whether it's mocking the institution itself, denigrating husbands, or promoting promiscuity as harmless and normal. Despite the name, reality TV is not anywhere close to reality, and most of the shows teach us all that love is selfish and about your own personal happiness.
• Porn - it's not real, folks, in any way shape or form. It's dangerous. Just because a particular act is shown in porn doesn't make it wrong (between husband and wife), but at the same time it also doesn't make it normal or typical. Your sexual expectations need to principally be developed from within your relationship. 
• Romance Novels - These are not real either. Though they maybe aren't in the same league with pornography, they hold a similar kind of danger. (I'm not talking about novels that contain an element of romance, but the romance novel genre.) The "romances" portrayed tend to be unrealistic, and a wife shouldn't expect her husband to be like the fictionalized and idealized characters found in the pages of trashy novels.
• Divorced or Struggling Friends and Family - nothing will lower your expectations of your own marriage like hanging around those whose marriage is in rough shape. Not that you should abandon people in tough marriage situations. Just watch that your own expectations are not affected. I know this danger, because it's happened to us.
• Conventional Wisdom - As with most things in the Kingdom, God's idea of how we should do marriage is mostly upside down from what the world proposes. Examples could fill several posts.

A Mixed Bag

These sources can contribute either positively or negatively to your marriage expectations. Tread with caution.

• Your Church - Churches don't always do a great job of instructing on marriage, especially the sexual aspects. Some churches do an excellent job of supporting and building the marriages in their congregations, but others much less so.  
• Your Parents - Probably the marriage you observed the most, besides your own, is the one between your parents, seeing both the good and the bad. Determine to emulate the good and avoid the bad, but don't project your parents' negative behaviors onto your spouse. 
• Marriage Books - Not everyone who gets a publishing contract has the inside track on truth. Of course there are marriage books that are outstanding and extremely helpful. Just consider what you read prayerfully. The one flaw I see in many marriage books is that they advertise quick fixes and simple, universal solutions. The problem with cookie cutter solutions is that there aren't very many cookie cutter marriages.  
• Marriage Bloggers - Though it pains me to say, I've seen some phenomenally bad marriage advice doled out by well-intentioned marriage bloggers. I've no doubt given some myself. I've also seen lots of really excellent stuff. As with books, weigh what you read carefully and prayerfully. It's also dangerous to take a single post and run with it until you've read enough to understand where a particular writer is coming form. To learn more about me, check out my recent Friday Favorite post, What Is The Journey to Surrender. 

Good Sources

• The Bible - Marriage was God's idea, and His is the best marriage perspective around. Expectations that flow from the Word will always be healthy ones. Of course the passages of Scripture about marriage require interpretation and application, and that's why we need...
• The Holy Spirit - God is for marriage in general, but also for your marriage in particular. He longs to partner with you as he leads you into all truth through the Holy Spirit (John 16:13), including helping you have healthy marriage expectations.  
• Love and Grace - Any expectations you have for your marriage that are based on what I call the two bookends of marriage, love and grace, will more than likely produce good fruit in your relationship.

When you stumble across expectation in your marriage or presumptions about your spouse, stop to consider the source. Identifying unhealthy sources just might save you from some painful disappointments in the future.

What other sources of expectations have you found to be consistently helpful or consistently harmful? Leave a comment.

Do what it takes to create a new experience together this year that you'll savor for the rest of your marriage.
Sixteen years ago my wife and I were in a particularly difficult season of caring for my mother, who suffered with Alzheimer's, in our home. My dear, sweet wife especially bore the burden of this challenging care. We were, quite frankly, exhausted.

During this time, for our 40th birthdays, we made arrangements for my mom's care and booked a trip to San Francisco. It was a glorious break with many fun and memorable happenings. One of these was a surprise I arranged for Jenni - a night at a quaint English style inn, nestled along the shoreline highway near the beach. We had an amazing stay, some of the details of which I will not be sharing. We did enjoy a wonderful full English breakfast and then spent most of an entire day, just sitting quietly on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Neither of us could remember a time when our souls were rested and fed so deeply.

We are excited to be headed back to The Pelican Inn next month. It will be fun to revisit the past. It will also be an opportunity to create a new set of memories, since we are in a very different season of life. Our youngest at the time was in preschool. She'll be a college senior next year. Time flies...

On a smaller scale, a few months ago we celebrated the anniversary of our first date, 38 years prior, by reenacting it with a visit to Pizza Hut. It was a wonderful and fun way to remember those early days of our fabulous journey together.

Little Things and Big Things

I share a lot about the tremendous importance of doing small things every day to feed your marriage. Little expressions of love and kindness, done frequently and consistently, will make more of a difference in your marriage than a few big events.

But big events matter too.

Creating significant memories together feeds your marriage in different ways than the day-to-day loving actions that keep your marriage on track.

Here are five reason to be intentional about creating significant memories together.

1) Experiences Have Staying Power

When I think back over our marriage, what I remember most are not the items we acquired. Other than a our houses and some of our cars, I can't even remember most of the "stuff" we've purchased in the past 33 years. But I do remember many of the events we've created. The truth is that prioritizing spending on creating memories pays higher dividends than almost anything else you can spend your money on.

2) Your Brain Will Thank You

Brain science tells us that new and exciting experiences fill our heads and bodies with the same kinds of chemicals that flooded our beings when we first fell in love (Dopamine, Adrenaline and Serotonin). So get innovative and find something new to do that you've never done before. Your brain will thank you.

3) Feed Your Soul

I can still vividly recall the deep sense of well-being my wife and I experienced that day spent staring at the ocean. We learned the importance for us to gaze on beauty together. We now make a point of looking for opportunities to do so, whether it be in the mountains or wherever. When you are designing your significant memories, remember to include activities that feed your souls. Whether it's enjoying a beautiful view, experiencing a new culture, resting deeply or even the thrill of something like skydiving, find something that will touch you deeply.

4) Shared New Experiences Build Intimacy

My wife and I have a saying, "Sex is always great when there's a number on the door." There is something about getting away from your daily routine that makes you able to let go, and that's a good thing when it comes to sexual intimacy. A change of venue can be a great opportunity to build other kinds of intimacy as well, including emotional, spiritual and recreational. Make sure you aren't so busy seeing the sights that you miss out on adventures in the bedroom.  And plan time to just be with each other and talk - really talk.

5) Cultivating Thankfulness

When my wife and I recall some of our significant shared memories, it always causes us to be thankful for what we have, for the memories we've made and for the love we share.

What significant memory have you experienced with your spouse? We'd love to hear about it. Leave a comment.

Move beyond these familiar and comfortable habits to shift your marriage from good to great.
Do you sometimes feel like your marriage is stuck in neutral? It can happen to any couple, regardless of how long they've been married. We get comfortable in our routines. We slip into familiar patterns that maybe aren't all the healthy or helpful. We lose sight of our purpose. We become roommates.

Humans are creatures of habit. In fact our brains are wired to seek ways to go on autopilot in order to reduce our cognitive load. Autopilot is just easier on our brains. The problem is, autopilot is also hard on your marriage.

From Good to Great

Maybe you would say you have a pretty good marriage. But you know it could be better. You are stuck at good, but you have a feeling that great is out there somewhere. You just aren't sure how to get there.

You've no doubt heard it said that good is the enemy of great. I might say it a little differently. I would say that the thrill of great gets held captive by the comfort of good.

If you want to have a great marriage, you may have to take a few risks and let go of good. By that I mean you may have to let go of some habits that have become very comfortable and familiar, but that have you trapped at good.

The thing with comfort zones is that they are so darn comfortable. We can even fool ourselves into thinking something is comfortable just because it's familiar, even though it may even not be all that enjoyable or satisfying.

Here are four comfort zones where I challenge you to move beyond good and to go for great.

Good #1: We have date nights.

The movie Date Night perfectly portrays what happens when date night becomes a stale habit. The Fosters go to the same restaurant on the same night, eating the same food every week, where they finish each others' sentences and fall into bed without really even touching each other. All the while they are longing for something more.

Dates nights are important, but if it feels like they have become blah, it's time to shake things up a bit. Let go of your normal date night routines. Take turns with planning your dates. Try this four-date sequence next month.  Date #1 he plans something "for her," meaning he tries to consider her desires and interests. Date #2 she plans "for him," and does likewise. Date #3 he plans according to what he would like. Date #4 she plans something that she likes doing.

Commit to doing something new and untried at least once a month. Dress for each other. Include a little date night nookie.

Great #1: Make date night an adventure! (However, I do not suggest getting tangled up with a mob boss, as was the case with the Fosters in the Date Night movie.)

Good #2: We know each other so well.

Knowing each other well is a double-edged sword. While it does allow for a certain amount of ease and comfort in daily interactions, it can also cause us to make assumptions and leap to conclusions. It can make us complacent so that we stop pursuing each other. We can miss it when our spouse grows and changes. We can also start to think it terms of "you never..." or "you always..." instead of seeing things for how they really are (which is probably not actually never or always).

The truth is that there is more intimacy available to you than what you are enjoying right now, regardless of where you are on the spectrum. Don't assume you know all there is to know about your spouse, and don't assume your spouse knows all about you. Practice engaging on a deeper level in every dimension of your marriage: emotional, sexual, spiritual, intellectual, financial, recreational...

My "Intimate Connections for Couples" workbook is a great way to deepen intimacy with fun, easy fill-in-the-blank conversation starters. I've extended my 25% discount through the end of February, so order yours before the discount disappears!

Great #2: Never stop being a student of your spouse. Never stop seeking deeper intimacy.


Good #3: We have sex pretty regularly.

Sexual intimacy is a common area where couples get stuck. Because of the intense vulnerability that comes with sex, it's easy to seek the safety and comfort of the familiar. I mean, even okay sex is pretty darn good, right, so why rock the boat? Why take risks? Why move out of our comfort zone?

Sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of the oneness of marriage. The vulnerability that accompanies sexual exploration also allows for the deepest possible kind of connection, because genuine intimacy requires vulnerability. Finding new sexual expressions and new ways to enjoy each other physically allows this area of intimacy to continue to grow and strengthen your marriage in a unique and beautiful way. Take delight in generously delighting one another in bed, and often.

Great #3: Make sex a high priority and add something new to the routine once in a while.


Good #4: Our marriage is fair. Everything is 50/50.

Fairness is the wrong measuring stick for a great marriage. When making everything even becomes the goal, it sets up score-keeping and and atmosphere where we withhold until we get our fair share.

God calls us to more. He calls us to sacrificial, unconditional and extravagant love. It's how he loves us, and how we are to love one another, especially in marriage. As Jesus, our bridegroom, laid down his life for his bride, so too are husbands called to lovingly lay down their lives and use their authority to lavishly love, protect and beautify their wives. As the church gives her all to Jesus in unconditional and loving surrender, so to are wives to give themselves wholly to their husbands.

There is nothing in the relationship between Christ and the church that is 50/50, and therefore there should be nothing in marriage that is either. Think of areas where you have tended to hold back from your spouse and find ways to overcome your reticence. Think of ways in which you have not loved as fully or generously as you could because of not having your own needs met, and try giving that love anyway.

Great #4: Go for 100/100 in your marriage - all in and all out!


What other habits of comfort can you think of that couples might need to let go of in order find the greatness that lies beyond? Leave your thoughts in a comment.

Discover the key factor that distinguishes a great sex life from a poor one.

The fact that our society has largely separated sex and marriage does not change the fact that God created sex as the ultimate expression of marital intimacy. A healthy amount of sexual intimacy is essential to the strength and longevity of every marriage, yours included.

But how much sex constitutes a "healthy amount?" It's a question that every couple needs to answer for themselves, of course, because needs and desires vary greatly from person to person.

I can however, tell what most couples say is enough sex based on the 450 responses to my Sexual Satisfaction Survey. (Get the full report in my free download here).

Beyond Frequency

Before I share with you the numbers from my survey, I want to stress that sexual frequency is not the sole determining factor in sexual satisfaction. If you aren't both actively engaged and  fully aiming to meet each others needs during lovemaking, then regardless of the frequency, it's not likely to lead to a fulfilling sex life. Those needs will vary greatly between men and women, between the high-drive and low-drive spouse, the stage of your marriage, and also depend on what is happening in your marriage outside the bedroom.

Still, I would argue pretty strongly that in most cases, sufficient sexual frequency is a minimum requirement for a healthy, happy sex life.

Now let's look at what constitutes "sufficient."

The Once-a-week Wall

In my survey results, there was a direct correlation between sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. That is, more frequent sex led to a higher level of reported sexual satisfaction for both husbands and wives.

Overall, the people who took my survey reported an average of about 7 sexual encounters per month or a little less than twice per week. (I didn't ask people what qualifies as a sexual encounter.)

Here is the interesting part: there is a stark divide in the numbers, as portrayed in the chart below.  It's what I call the "once-a-week wall."

What it shows is that couples who had sex more than once per week (left side of the wall on the chart) reported vastly different levels of satisfaction than couples who had sex less than once per week (the right side of the wall). And the difference was dramatic.

Overall, couples who had sex more often than once per week were 12 times more likely to report having a great sex life than those having sex less than once per week. Specifically, 59% of those having sex more than once a week gave themselves an 8, 9 or 10 in overall satisfaction on a 10 point scale ("a great sex life"). Only 5% of those having sex less than once a week reported having a great sex life.

There was a similar dramatic divide in those reporting a poor sex life (1, 2 or 3 on a 10 point scale). Couples having sex less than once per week were 11 times more likely to rate themselves as having a poor sex life. Specifically, 69% of those having sex less than once a week reported a poor sex life, but only 6% of those having sex more than once a week were in the group with the lowest satisfaction.

What Does This Mean for You?

If you are a husband or wife who has made sex a low priority, for whatever reason, it's time to change that. Begin with being aware of how much sex you are having, then set a goal to improve on that, ultimately working toward having sex at least twice most weeks.

Figure out what is impeding sexual intimacy in your marriage and make the necessary changes to eliminate those impediments.  Being your spouse's only valid avenue of sexual satisfaction is both a great privilege and sobering responsibility.

If you are a husband or wife whose spouse does not seem interested in more frequent sex, who even maybe is completely withholding sex from you, it's time for some direct dialog on the subject. Or maybe it's time for an additional, and perhaps different, direct dialog.

And it's time to get God involved in some three way conversation. He has thoughts on this subject that I'm sure he would like to share with you and your spouse if you invite him to.

If whatever you have tried in the past isn't resulting in the progress you want, it's time to try a different approach.

Do What it Takes

I'm not suggesting that you beg more sincerely or shout more loudly. No, I'm talking about having a sincere dialogue about what's missing in your marriage on more than just a sexual level. Is there enough intimacy in other forms? Emotional? Spiritual? Do spend enough time together? Do you get real with each other?

I often find that sex is simply a barometer of what's happening elsewhere in the relationship. Step back and take an honest assessment of the whole of your marriage.

There are a bunch of my marriage blogging friends that focus on sexual intimacy in marriage. Check out what they have to say about how to improve your sexual relationship and how to deal with high-drive, low-drive issues, among other topics. Here are but a few suggested resources:

• The Generous Husband
• The Generous Wife
• One Flesh Marriage
• The X-Y Code - Decoding the Male Mind
• Intimacy in Marriage - Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy
• Hot Holy & Humorous - Sex & Marriage by God's Design
• Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire
• Bonny's Oysterbed - Encouraging the Low-libido Wife through a Christian Lens.

Bonny has two posts from yesterday and today that are very timely to our discussion: Starting the Sex Conversation, and Gently Blunt Sex Conversations. I highly recommend these thoughtful posts.

Is my finding of the once-a-week wall surprising to you? Does it line up with the experience in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

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If you'd like to see more fascinating results from my recent Sexual Satisfaction Survey, you can download my free e-book from Noisetrade.

The e-book digs into the intimate lives of 450 marriages with the purpose of helping you have a meaningful dialog with your spouse about sexual intimacy. Each section lists key takeaways from the findings and offers questions that can prompt open conversation.

Get my brand new free eBook "How to Have a Succ-sex-full Marriage" now! 

What married couple doesn't want more intimacy? If my New Reader Poll is any indication, it's a universal desire.

I actually think intimacy should be the main goal of every marriage, as I explained in What If Intimacy Matters Most.

It's important to grow together in all forms of intimacy, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, intellectual or whatever. But sexual intimacy is the only form of intimacy uniquely designated by God to be enjoyed inside the bounds of the marriage covenant. You are your spouse's only valid avenue to sexual fulfillment, and that makes physical intimacy both a wonderful privilege and a significant responsibility.

Intimacy Requires Vulnerability

My observation is that many couples struggle in their sexual relationship, settling for a less-than-satisfying sex life. Why? Because your sexual relationship is a place of extreme vulnerability, and vulnerability brings with it the opportunity for hurt feelings, misunderstandings, accusation and shame. This makes it hard for many couples to communicate constructively about sex, choosing instead to keep their true feelings hidden from their spouse.

If that describes your marriage, or if you just want to take things to a new level, I've got a great resource for you that can prompt a deeper dialog with your spouse about the physical intimacy in your marriage. It's a free e-book, How to Have a Succ-sex-full Marriage, available for download through Noisetrade books. Based on the results of a sexual satisfaction poll I ran on my blog and social media outlets, the findings represent an inside look at the intimate lives of 450 marriages.

Intimacy, in whatever form, requires vulnerability. Perhaps physical intimacy requires greater risk than any other, but the rewards are greater too. Lovemaking is where intimacy in your marriage reaches its zenith. God designed it that way.

So I encourage you to get my new e-book and use it to help you engage with your spouse in meaningful and helpful conversations about the sexual intimacy in your marriage. Each section includes key takeaways from the survey findings and questions to prompt discussion.

Don't Settle

One of the findings from the poll was that only 7% of respondents ranked their sex life 10 on a 10 point scale.  That means for 93% of us, there is room to grow in sexual intimacy. Truthfully I believe even the 10's have room to grow. There is always more intimacy available.

In a recent post, Sexual Settling, blogging friend Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband talks about why it's important not to just settle for the sex life you have. I agree with what he says, "Failing to have the sex life God intended seems to me as wrong as failing to follow His will in any other area of our lives."

Sexual intimacy is important to every marriage - to YOUR marriage. God designed it that way. He designed our bodies for pleasure and then asked us give them away to each other for our mutual satisfaction and fulfillment. 

I hope you'll get my new e-book, and I hope and pray it will help in your journey toward deeper sexual intimacy in your marriage. And I hope you'll come back here after you've read it and let me know what stood out you or surprised you in the findings.  Or feel free to send me an email. My contact info is here.

Why did a poorly written book followed up by a mediocre movie grab the hearts and minds of millions of women?

I've purposefully chosen to stay out of the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fray up to now. So many people have covered the topic that I figured I wouldn't be able to add anything significant to the conversation.

But it's hard for me to ignore the fact that over the last few months, my blog stats show that my post "A Wife's Sexual Surrender" has been consistently at the top of my most viewed pages. The 2011 post shot up in popularity with the release of the FSOG book and then again with the recently released movie. No doubt many disappointed Googlers landed on that post, written long before the release of the book, to find nothing remotely close to the kind of "submission" depicted in FSOG.

I have often wondered what all these poeple, the majority of whom are presumably women, are looking for in a post on sexual surrender?

It's this question that ultimately led me to finally wade into the murky FSOG waters today. And this question leads to some similar ones that have been nagging me ever since the FSOG phenomenon took our popular culture by storm.

How is that a such a poorly written erotic romance novel spent months atop the best seller list and sold more than 100 million copies in 52 languages worldwide?  One book blogger  said about the book, "In all honesty, though, this book is awful.  Really, truly, mind-bogglingly awful." The New York Review of Books, after acknowledging the popular success of the book, summarized the critics perspective this way,  "Critics, by contrast, have found much to abhor about the work." Yet the readers at Amazon and Barnes and Noble both give the trilogy an average of four-and-a-half out of five stars. How could the progenitor of such mediocre tripe be named to Time Magazine's list of the "100 Most Influential People in the World?"

Further, the movie based on the book has been critically panned, receiving one star on Rotten Tomatoes and a little south of two stars on IMDB's critics review. Yet the movie has set box office records, grossing in excess of 500 million dollars in the month since its release. But why? As with the book, critical and popular opinions stand in stark contrast to each other.

These are questions I've seen a few writers attempt to answer, but most of these answers haven't fully satisfied my curiosity.

What The World Says

Admittedly, I have neither read the books nor seen movie, but I've read enough about them, from enough varied sources, to get a pretty clear picture of the content. In researching for this post, I've also read a number of theories on the reasons for the FSOG phenomenon, from both secular and Christian sources.

Secular sources are decidedly mixed as to the effects of FSOG on society. Many call it harmless mind-candy for bored housewives. Some laud the permission FSOG supposedly gives women to free themselves sexually or to tap into their hidden fantasies. Others argue strongly that the books and movie promote sexual violence against women.

As for the reasons for its popularity, secular writers say the attraction is in the way the story portrays the healing power of love, even though it does so in a totally unrealistic fashion. Other say it appeals to women's innate desire to be a "rescuer and healer." Many mention women's common attraction to "bad boys." Surprisingly few point to the kinky sex as the draw.

Christian Voices

For the most part Christian's have been pretty universally critical of the book and movie, and for the most part, rightly so. Erotica is just as dangerous as porn in terms of the potential damage to marriages. The works depict a non-biblical view of sex (outside of marriage, full of control and manipulation, sado-masochism and more). Of course the shows and movies on cable TV these days are just as sexually non-biblical, with much less outrage.

As true as all the badness is with FSOG, we have to admit that millions of professing Christians have read the books and seen the movie. From what I can tell by the many comments I have read, most women loved it and recommended it to their friends. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it does further beg the question of why women, Christians and non-Christians alike, seem so compelled by the story line?

We also have to admit that a non-trivial number of women, Christians among them, claim to have a renewed sense of sexuality and many report improvements in their libido and sex lives as a result, short-lived though it may be.

Stopping at condemnation of the books and movie as perverted, evil and destructive will do little to further our understanding of the popularity of FSOG. Likewise, simply warning, scolding or even condemning those who have chosen to partake of FSOG isn't going to help us or them them understand what it is they are really after.

It's understanding I want to gain as well. 

My Theory

I've realized that I keep researching and rewriting the first part of this post because I have tremendous trepidation over actually putting my theory out there.

As I freely admit in my bio, I'm not a psychologist or trained theologian, so take what I'm about to say as just another marriage blogger's opinion, worth what you paid for it.

Enough caveats. Out with it.

I believe so many woman are drawn to the Fifty Shades of Grey story because they long to be radically loved and cared for by a strong man. Women paint themselves onto the seemingly blank canvas that is Anastasia Steele, the story's female protagonist, because the idea of surrendering themselves to someone whose heart they totally own and who will completely care for them (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially) is a huge turn-on for many women.

So strong is this desire that women are willing to look past their disdain for Christian Grey's overly controlling and sadistic nature. Though there are exceptions, many women report that the S&M sex is not what drew them to the story and that they have little desire to engage in the practices depicted so graphically in the books and movie.

The Longings of the Heart

It is difficult to paint the complexities of human longing with simple, broad strokes. Yet, due to the sheer mass appeal of FSOG, it's obvious that the story has clearly tapped into many women's basic desires.

My feminist friends are no doubt rolling their collective eyes at my theory. I hear the chant, "Down with the patriarchy and misogynistic notions that women long to be taken care of. What women really want is independence, power and equality!"

Really? I find nothing of what feminists claim that women want within the FSOG story. Nothing. Yet women are drawn to it by the millions.

Now, before you accuse me of being a woman-hating misogynist, you should read more of what I've written on the subject. My "What I Believe About Marriage" would be a good place to start.

Let me state clearly that I believe that a woman can be both strong  and submissive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. And yes, I did just use the S-word. I agree that feminism has helped to right some historical wrongs, and I absolutely believe men and women are of equal worth.

But I also believe that God set up the ordered partnership that is marriage as described in the Bible. I believe that being equal in value does not mean men and women are the same or interchangeable. I believe God filled our hearts with innate desires that correspond to our God-given roles, though the world will try to get us to deny and denigrate our very natures.

I believe that what most wives really want is a husband who will love them radically, selflessly and unconditionally, and who will pursue and woo them relentlessly, as Christ does with the church. I believe they long to find the bliss that comes through willingly surrendering themselves to such a love, only to find themselves the object their husband's deep affection, relentless protection, and generous provision (as we receive from Christ in our love-relationship with him).

And in such a marriage you are going to find some really great sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey is flawed erotic fiction, with all the dangers and falsehoods that attend it . Yet the hugely popular draw of the story compels us to examine more closely a flawless and even more compelling love story, Christ and the church, the picture of marriage as God designed it.

What do you think of my theory? What have I missed? Why do you think FSOG is such a draw for women? Chime in. Leave a comment. 

Helpful posts for marriages hurting from a lack of sexual intimacy

I promised in my last post, The Gift of Sex - When Your Spouse Won't Give It, to follow up with links to some great posts by fellow marriage bloggers on this important topic.

As I said in my last post, marriages fall into the sexual doldrums at a sad and alarming rate. Unfortunately there are no silver bullets, no magic answers. Every marriage that is struggling with sexual intimacy is as unique as the two individuals involved.

But don't give up. There is hope and healing. God is a redeemer and He is FOR your marriage.

Below you will find a lot of different posts written by different bloggers with different perspectives. Check them out.

The beginnings of your answer may be found in one of these great posts.

Posts for Husbands of Low-Drive Wives:

Why She Has a Low Sex Drive - from The Generous Husband
When a Wife Won't Have Sex - What Does the Bible Say?  from the Forgiven Wife
Want a Happier Marriage? Just Ask from Mission:Husband
Dealing With Anger Over Sex  from The Generous Husband
My Wife Hats Sex from Brad at One Flesh Marriage

Posts for Wives of Low-Drive Husbands:

When your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive from the Happy Wives Club
Confessions of a Higher-Drive Wife from J of Hot, Holy and Humorous
Help! My Husband Doesn't Want Sex l Kate at One Flesh Marriage

More Helpful Posts

One former withholding wife's story: Living in a Near Sexless Marriage  from Forgiven Wife.

Four posts encouraging wives regarding sex from the Generous Wife:
     You Have a Sex Drive
     It's All Connected
     A Loose Thought
     But What About

Some conversation-starting posts to share with your spouse:

Intentional Sex  Why it pays to be deliberate. From Do Not Disturb blog.

Has Your Husband Stopped Initiating Sex? from Julie at Intimacy in Marriage (Read the Comments)

Survey from The Marriage Bed regarding frequency - How Much Is Enough?  Pretty much lines up with my recent survey results.

What do you do when your spouse refuses to give "The Gift of Sex?"

It's time for me to wrap up my Gift of Sex series.

For the most part, I've written this series to the lower-drive wife or husband, and yes, 20-25% of husbands have a lower sex drive than their wives. I've been encouraging those husbands and wives to help improve the atmosphere of their marriages by giving more sexually. If you have missed any of these posts, the series starts here, and contains a list to all the posts in the series.

Today, however, for the conclusion, I want to write to the high-drive spouse who is doing most or all of the giving in the sexual aspect of your marriage. Or maybe you feel like your spouse is doing nothing but taking.

In either case, this is for those who are longing for The Gift of Sex to fill your marriage.

You Aren't Alone

The number of sexless marriages (or almost so) astounds and saddens me. The numbers are bad, with somewhere around 5% not having had sex in more than a year and 20% not in the past month, and things are trending worse in recent years.

It may not be much consolation to know that many marriages suffer from mismatched sex drives and less-than-fulfilling sex lives, but the fact remains that this is a common issue. In my recent survey 70% of people reported a severe mismatch in sex drives in their marriage. True, dissatisfied lovers are more likely to click on a survey entitled "Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage," but even given that caveat, the bleak numbers surprised me. Only 12% said that their sex drive was pretty close to equal that of their spouse. These are the fortunate few.

Of those reporting a big mismatch in sex drives, 37% ranked their sex lives as "poor" (1 to 3 on a 10 point scale). Even if you include those with "slightly" mismatched drives, the number reporting unhappy sex lives is still 35%. That's over one in three. Think that unhappy sex lives are only for those long-married? Nope, not at all. Just looking at those married 5 years or less, 42% with strongly mis-matched drives rated their sex lives in the basement.

Bottom line, there are plenty of sexually unhappy people out there.

Never Give Up

For my wife and I, our sex life has only had a few rough seasons when frequency was an issue, and we've never had what I would call a "poor" sex life. So maybe you think me unqualified to offer advice on the topic.

Though I may not have walked in your shoes, I can still share truth with you:

1. It's never too late - I've read plenty of stories of marriages (even sexless ones) restored after many years of sexual drought.  
2. God is a redeemer - God is for your marriage and His nature is to redeem. His desire is to restore the years to you that the enemy has stolen. Ask Him to.
3. You can only change you - You've no doubt read this before, but it is true. Work on you. Work on being the best husband or wife you can be. 
4. Get help - every situation is different, so I'm not going to spout some universal answer here. Getting to root of sexual problems can be hard. It may require medical attention, a counselor, a pastor, close friends. Do what you have to do to fix this.
5. Grow in Non-sexual intimacy - sex is a very important component of marital intimacy, but you can work on other forms of intimacy to strengthen your marriage as much as possible. Don't withdraw. Don't give up. 
6. Communicate - I can hear you, "I've talked until I'm blue in the face." But how you communicate your sexual needs matters a lot. Don't demand. Don't berate. Don't whine. Make it clear that it's for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of being one, for the sake of drawing and staying close. Sexual intimacy is an essential ingredient. That's the way God made it. It's okay to be strong and persistent, but be sure that the overriding message is "I love you, and I want us to have a great marriage." Work on communication in general, not just regarding sex.
7. Keep Giving - Keep doing what you know to be right in the area of sexual generosity. Be a willing partner, stay engaged during lovemaking, Turn about may be fair play, but it won't help heal your sex life. 

Called to Christlike Love

In the end you have a choice to love your spouse with selfless, Christlike love or not. Long seasons of unmet needs of any kind, but especially sexual needs, make that really, really hard. I understand. But it doesn't change the standard to which we are called. I'll remind you of a passage of scripture that is found just before Paul's famous teaching on marriage:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.  Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

Christ died for us while we were still mired in our sin, with no guarantee that we'd ever come into intimate relationship with him, much less even acknowledge his sacrifice on our behalf.

There are no magic answers or absolute guarantees when it comes to dealing with sexual issues, but the truth is that love is always the better choice. Choose to love. Choose to love well.

And cling to Jesus.

And now we have run into his heart to hide ourselves in his faithfulness. This is where we find his strength and comfort, for he empowers us to seize what has already been established ahead of time— an unshakeable hope! We have this certain hope like a strong, unbreakable anchor holding our souls to God himself. Our anchor of hope is fastened to the mercy seat which sits in the heavenly realm beyond the sacred threshold, and where Jesus, our Forerunner, has gone in before us.

Hebrews 6:18-20 (The Passion Translation)

As I said, this is a road I've had to walk on briefly.  So I would love to hear from those of you who have been through this.  If you  have a spouse who was withholding sexually or acting as a sexual gatekeeper and have seen a turnaround, please share your story to encourage those who are in the middle of it. 



PS  Many of my marriage blogging friends have written eloquently on this topic. In my next post I'll share some links to some of what they've written.