Journey to Surrender

Valuable culinary lessons to help your marriage grow in sexual intimacy
No, this is not a post about creative uses for whipped cream and chocolate sauce in the bedroom (not that there would be anything wrong with that!).

Rather, I've listed below six dining metaphors that are useful for considering and improving the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

1) Fast Food

Amid the chaos and demands of daily life, sometimes quickie sex is all you’ll have the time and energy for, but you can’t live on that alone. It’s unhealthy and costly in the intimacy department. Sometimes you need to set aside an hour or two just to focus on finding pleasure in one another. When it comes to sexual intimacy, there is no substitute for time.

2) Fine Dining

Upscale restaurants pay a lot of attention to the way your meal looks on the plate. Appearances do matter and can leave a lasting impression. How much effort do you put into your “presentation” at bed time? Brush your teeth, comb your hair, strategically add a dab of perfume or cologne, wear something to bed your spouse finds appealing and that makes you feel sexy. Make your bedroom appealing with candles, nice music, and luxurious sheets.  Going the extra mile in preparation tells your spouse that you love them and desire them.

3) A New Cuisine

It’s fun and exciting to experience a great new restaurant.  Similarly, there’s a new kind of sexual energy and focus that is available with a change of venue. If you haven’t done so recently, book a hotel room or a mountain cabin for a weekend. It will give you time to focus exclusively on each other, without the normal pressures of home, and allows you plenty of time to enjoy each other sexually. And the change of scenery can help break you out of a sexual rut, giving you the freedom to experiment and change things up a little. I don’t know exactly why, but there’s just something different about sex when there is a number on the door. (If a hotel is out of the question for budgetary or child care reasons, pick a new room of the house as a change of venue.)

4) Fasting

While regular and frequent sex is an important part of a healthy marriage, it's possible to use prescribed periods of abstinence (5, 7, 10 days or whatever you mutually decide would not be unhealthy) to create and build sexual anticipation. The idea is to rev up non-sexual intimacy, to give all your attention to expressing love and desire without sex. Go ahead and tease and flirt. Talk about how much you miss the pleasure, and plan what you will do when it’s all over – it’s all part of the build up to breaking your fast.

5) Binging

In the opposite vein, I have also seen regular “sex challenges” on various marriage websites that dare couples to go for 3, 7, 10 or even 30 days of sex in a row. However long you choose to binge on each other, the goal is to make sex a priority and then to use the time to learn about your self and each other sexually. I have seen many testimonies of the positive, rejuvenating impact such a challenge have on marriages.

6) Junk Food

Face it, we are surrounded by things that are sexually unhealthy. The media and entertainment industries rarely portray married sex as fulfilling and exciting. Instead they glamorize randomly “hooking up,” sensationalize and normalize extramarital affairs, and portray marriage as an out of date and irrelevant institution. Modern technology grant easy access to things like pornography, chat rooms and a vast array of other marriage-destroying opportunities. Just don’t. Even things as “harmless” as Facebook and romance novels can do damage. When it comes to your marriage, keep the sexual junk food out!

What other dining metaphors can you come up with? Share them in a comment.

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Why did a poorly written book followed up by a mediocre movie grab the hearts and minds of millions of women?

I've purposefully chosen to stay out of the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fray up to now. So many people have covered the topic that I figured I wouldn't be able to add anything significant to the conversation.

But it's hard for me to ignore the fact that over the last few months, my blog stats show that my post "A Wife's Sexual Surrender" has been consistently at the top of my most viewed pages. The 2011 post shot up in popularity with the release of the FSOG book and then again with the recently released movie. No doubt many disappointed Googlers landed on that post, written long before the release of the book, to find nothing remotely close to the kind of "submission" depicted in FSOG.

I have often wondered what all these poeple, the majority of whom are presumably women, are looking for in a post on sexual surrender?

It's this question that ultimately led me to finally wade into the murky FSOG waters today. And this question leads to some similar ones that have been nagging me ever since the FSOG phenomenon took our popular culture by storm.

How is that a such a poorly written erotic romance novel spent months atop the best seller list and sold more than 100 million copies in 52 languages worldwide?  One book blogger  said about the book, "In all honesty, though, this book is awful.  Really, truly, mind-bogglingly awful." The New York Review of Books, after acknowledging the popular success of the book, summarized the critics perspective this way,  "Critics, by contrast, have found much to abhor about the work." Yet the readers at Amazon and Barnes and Noble both give the trilogy an average of four-and-a-half out of five stars. How could the progenitor of such mediocre tripe be named to Time Magazine's list of the "100 Most Influential People in the World?"

Further, the movie based on the book has been critically panned, receiving one star on Rotten Tomatoes and a little south of two stars on IMDB's critics review. Yet the movie has set box office records, grossing in excess of 500 million dollars in the month since its release. But why? As with the book, critical and popular opinions stand in stark contrast to each other.

These are questions I've seen a few writers attempt to answer, but most of these answers haven't fully satisfied my curiosity.

What The World Says

Admittedly, I have neither read the books nor seen movie, but I've read enough about them, from enough varied sources, to get a pretty clear picture of the content. In researching for this post, I've also read a number of theories on the reasons for the FSOG phenomenon, from both secular and Christian sources.

Secular sources are decidedly mixed as to the effects of FSOG on society. Many call it harmless mind-candy for bored housewives. Some laud the permission FSOG supposedly gives women to free themselves sexually or to tap into their hidden fantasies. Others argue strongly that the books and movie promote sexual violence against women.

As for the reasons for its popularity, secular writers say the attraction is in the way the story portrays the healing power of love, even though it does so in a totally unrealistic fashion. Other say it appeals to women's innate desire to be a "rescuer and healer." Many mention women's common attraction to "bad boys." Surprisingly few point to the kinky sex as the draw.

Christian Voices

For the most part Christian's have been pretty universally critical of the book and movie, and for the most part, rightly so. Erotica is just as dangerous as porn in terms of the potential damage to marriages. The works depict a non-biblical view of sex (outside of marriage, full of control and manipulation, sado-masochism and more). Of course the shows and movies on cable TV these days are just as sexually non-biblical, with much less outrage.

As true as all the badness is with FSOG, we have to admit that millions of professing Christians have read the books and seen the movie. From what I can tell by the many comments I have read, most women loved it and recommended it to their friends. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it does further beg the question of why women, Christians and non-Christians alike, seem so compelled by the story line?

We also have to admit that a non-trivial number of women, Christians among them, claim to have a renewed sense of sexuality and many report improvements in their libido and sex lives as a result, short-lived though it may be.

Stopping at condemnation of the books and movie as perverted, evil and destructive will do little to further our understanding of the popularity of FSOG. Likewise, simply warning, scolding or even condemning those who have chosen to partake of FSOG isn't going to help us or them them understand what it is they are really after.

It's understanding I want to gain as well. 

My Theory

I've realized that I keep researching and rewriting the first part of this post because I have tremendous trepidation over actually putting my theory out there.

As I freely admit in my bio, I'm not a psychologist or trained theologian, so take what I'm about to say as just another marriage blogger's opinion, worth what you paid for it.

Enough caveats. Out with it.

I believe so many woman are drawn to the Fifty Shades of Grey story because they long to be radically loved and cared for by a strong man. Women paint themselves onto the seemingly blank canvas that is Anastasia Steele, the story's female protagonist, because the idea of surrendering themselves to someone whose heart they totally own and who will completely care for them (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially) is a huge turn-on for many women.

So strong is this desire that women are willing to look past their disdain for Christian Grey's overly controlling and sadistic nature. Though there are exceptions, many women report that the S&M sex is not what drew them to the story and that they have little desire to engage in the practices depicted so graphically in the books and movie.

The Longings of the Heart

It is difficult to paint the complexities of human longing with simple, broad strokes. Yet, due to the sheer mass appeal of FSOG, it's obvious that the story has clearly tapped into many women's basic desires.

My feminist friends are no doubt rolling their collective eyes at my theory. I hear the chant, "Down with the patriarchy and misogynistic notions that women long to be taken care of. What women really want is independence, power and equality!"

Really? I find nothing of what feminists claim that women want within the FSOG story. Nothing. Yet women are drawn to it by the millions.

Now, before you accuse me of being a woman-hating misogynist, you should read more of what I've written on the subject. My "What I Believe About Marriage" would be a good place to start.

Let me state clearly that I believe that a woman can be both strong  and submissive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. And yes, I did just use the S-word. I agree that feminism has helped to right some historical wrongs, and I absolutely believe men and women are of equal worth.

But I also believe that God set up the ordered partnership that is marriage as described in the Bible. I believe that being equal in value does not mean men and women are the same or interchangeable. I believe God filled our hearts with innate desires that correspond to our God-given roles, though the world will try to get us to deny and denigrate our very natures.

I believe that what most wives really want is a husband who will love them radically, selflessly and unconditionally, and who will pursue and woo them relentlessly, as Christ does with the church. I believe they long to find the bliss that comes through willingly surrendering themselves to such a love, only to find themselves the object their husband's deep affection, relentless protection, and generous provision (as we receive from Christ in our love-relationship with him).

And in such a marriage you are going to find some really great sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey is flawed erotic fiction, with all the dangers and falsehoods that attend it . Yet the hugely popular draw of the story compels us to examine more closely a flawless and even more compelling love story, Christ and the church, the picture of marriage as God designed it.

What do you think of my theory? What have I missed? Why do you think FSOG is such a draw for women? Chime in. Leave a comment. 

The wholesale abandonment of marriage in general and traditional marriage in particular is one of the greatest threats to our country. What can we do?

Apologies in advance to my readers outside the US. Chances are, however, that what I'm about to say probably has bearing on your own country. In fact, I'd love to hear how the state of marriage compares in your own country.

It is not popular to stand up for marriage in the US these days, especially if you take a more traditional and sacramental view of the institution. If fact, those who do so, especially if they have any kind of public profile, often face severe chastisement and abuse by those who disagree. There seems to no longer be space in our society for courteous public discourse about the important topic of marriage.

Here are just two recent examples of the kind of vitriol I'm talking about:

• Brandon Eich, the CEO of Mozilla, makers of the popular Firefox browser, was forced to resign over outrageously insane reactions to the revelation that he donated money to support California's proposition to define marriage as between one man and one woman. What free speech?
• In a recent Harper's Bazaar interview, actress Kirsten Dunst expressed her personal views that support more traditional gender roles in marriage. Her suggestion that females might actually be feminine prompted vicious and profane attacks from the left. Most of what I read is not fit to print.

I could offer more, but I'm sure you get my point.

Good News?

Is it really all that bad? Is marriage in the US really in trouble? I believe so.

Shaunti Feldhahn has a new book out called The Good News About Marriage. In it she debunks some common myths about divorce and marriage statistics, such as the oft-quoted 50% divorce rate. She counters that "according to the Census Bureau, 72% of those who have ever been married, are still married to their first spouse." That is good news.

However, it's a definite good news/bad news story. One of the trends contributing to a lower divorce rate is that young people are delaying marriage or doing away with it altogether. According to the The National Marriage Project's (TNMP) Knot Yet report, the average age of marriage is higher than it has ever been (27 for women and 29 for men). In 2011, there were more unmarried females than married females for the first time in US history. Along with that, cohabitation has soared from about 1.6 million people in 1980 to 7.6 million in 2011.

Another alarming trend is fatherlessness.  In their State of our Unions 2012 report,  TNMP reports that the rate of out-of-wedlock births is now approaching 50% for low-to-moderately educated women, almost twice what it was in 1982.

If we ignore or try to whitewash these statistics, we do so at our own peril. In the foreword to The Good News About Marriage, pastor Andy Stanley states the following:

We have been both accepting and adding to a deep sense of cultural discouragement about marriage. A discouragement that instead of motivating people, leeches hope from marriages. A discouragement that, it turns out, is based more on myth than reality.

Admittedly, I haven't read the book yet - it's in my reader, but I've read enough of the promotional material to give me pause. I'm a little concerned with the apparent premise that marriage in our country really isn't in trouble. Yes, the divorce rate is down, but the underlying reason is that marriage is in an even deeper decline. And that's not good news at all.

Where is the Hope?

These trends are very disturbing to me as a marriage blogger and as an American, I'm an unashamedly patriotic individual, and I happen to think America is a unique force for good in the world. However, as I observe our steady slide away from marriage, I can't help but wonder what the future holds for my children.

Shaunti Feldhahn's book notwithstanding, I think we are in trouble. Yet we are not without hope. I agree with her statement in a recent article for Catalyst, Everything we Think We Know About Marriage is Wrong, which is obviously a book promo piece::

What marriages need today is hope. And of all people, we in the Body of Christ should be the most ready to offer hope – not just for our spiritual life but for our marriages. And now, we can.

We, as believers have the inside track on marriage. We hold the hope. We have a close, personal relationship with the One who created marriage before time began. We have also been given the relationship of Jesus and the church as a model for marriage. I often say that the marriages in the church should be so compellingly beautiful and strong that people should get save just by observing how we do marriage. Yeah, I'm a bit of an idealist.

The National Marriage Project supports a pro-marriage legislative agenda to reverse some of the deleterious trends in marriage. I don't think government policies are the answer, though they may help stem the tide.

Only the church can save marriage.

Happy Birthday from the Church

So here are the seven gifts I think the church should give to our country to help re-establish marriage as the strong central pillar of our society.

1. Be more proactive in supporting and strengthening the vast number of okay marriages, and stop focusing so much on divorce/crisis intervention and divorce recovery. The goal should be for every marriage to be great, not just okay.
2. Speak boldly about the sacred, holy and wondrous nature of marriage from the pulpit, not just to married folks in marriage seminars, but to everyone in the church. Often.
3. Be willing to talk frankly about sex in a healthy and open manner. When we drive sex into the shadows, all kinds of unhealthy fruit grows in its place, such as porn use, extra-marital affairs, and sexless marriages.
4. Begin giving young people encouraging messages about marriage, even in their teenage years. The media and society are speaking loudly and clearly to kids with false and counterfeit messages. We need to be louder and clearer.
5. Hire more marriage pastors. Why do most churches have children's pastors, youth pastors, teaching pastors, outreach pastors and pastors of every kind except marriage pastors. What does a marriage pastor do? See number 1 above.
6. Start and/or promote marriage small groups using excellent curriculum and strong, well-equipped leaders. Encourage organic marriage mentoring programs, where every married couple is connected with another couple or two.
7. Every pastoral/leadership couple should work hard to make their marriages a stellar example to their congregations, but at the same time, should be transparent about the realities of married life. It is well known how the demands of pastoring often wreak havoc on these marriages. It may require a little less focus on their congregations and a little more focus on their marriages. 

What else do you think the church can give our country on behalf of marriage? Share your thoughts with a comment.

How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

It's a Wives Only Wednesday, so this "what if" post is just for the ladies.

It's not that men don't have body image issues or shame associated with their appearance, but I know that it is something much more prevalent among women.

So listen up ladies and prepare to have a paradigm shift in your thinking.

You Are His

The Bible says quite plainly in 1 Corinthians 7 that your body belongs to your husband (and his to you, by the way). If you really believed how attracted your husband is to you, you would know that he sees you as his prize possession. Not in some creepy controlling sense, but in the way that he's proud to have you for his very own, in ways that no other man can know and/or see you.

Fellow marriage blogger, J, from Hot Holy and Humorous, recently posted Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby. . She says,

I hear from hubbies all the time who essentially say about their wives, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). Are their wives objectively perfect? I doubt it. But they [their husbands] believe it.

You can believe it too.

It's Important to Him

Paul Byerly, over at the XY Code, wrote a post on this topic entitled Really, You Look Great to Him. In it he sums up his recent "What Your Husband Wants You to Know" survey he did in this way:

When we say we like you, what you do, and how you look, please believe us!

It is important to your husband that you believe in the sincerity of his love for you, and that includes how you look. Most husbands I know want their wives to feel loved. In fact many, including me, count it among their highest priorities in life. When you rebuff his compliments on your appearance or reply with a list of the flaws, you do not honor him. In fact, you make him feel like he has failed at something that matters a lot to him.

It is your husband's opinion that matters most when it come to your appearance. If he thinks you are beautiful, hot, sexy, pretty, striking or however else he may describe you, then you are. Period.

I understand that you get a very different message from TV and magazine advertisements. Remember, those folks are in the flaw-peddling business in order to sell you something to "fix" yourself. Forget them and their airbrushed definition of beauty. Take what your husband says and run with it.

Confidence is Sexy

Do you want to know a secret that I think few wives have a handle on? Sex appeal (or whatever word you want to use for a woman's allure to her husband) is 80% attitude and 20% physical appearance. It may even be 90/10.

Whether you buy my numbers or not, how you present yourself to your husband probably has a bigger influence on how he perceives your appearance than you know. If you really believed what your husband says about your body and his desire for you, it will give you more confidence, more boldness, and more of an "I am hot and I know it" kind of attitude. And that alone will make you even more appealing to him.

A woman in one of our marriage small groups once confided to us that she sometimes imagines herself as a sensuous movie star in order to take on a more confident and daring persona. Imagining herself as Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie (or whoever) allowed her to drop her inhibitions and really let go, much to her husband's pleasure - and hers as well.  Imagine whatever you like that helps you in the confidence department, but try imagining that your husband is actually crazy in love with your body. After all, you are his movie star!

Here's a correlating truth. True confidence feels good. If you believe in your own beauty and in your husband's desire for you and then confidently act on it, it will make you feel really good about yourself.

Two Caveats

First, I have heard horror stories of husband who deride their wives over every extra ounce and constantly put them down over their appearance. That's a sad and difficult situation, and I am sorry if that is the way your husband treats you. Dealing with that situation is a whole separate post. But I honestly believe the vast majority of husbands do not fall into that category.

Second, I am not saying that appearances don't matter. Pay attention to your man's preferences in clothing, hair styles, make up, etc. Pay particular attention to sleeping attire, if that is something that matters to him. I know men have a broad spectrum of opinions on these kinds of appearance-related things, so if you don't know, ask your husband. And then act accordingly. You have no idea how much it will bless him when you do.

Time for Action

So ask yourself this "what if" question and ponder it seriously: how would you act and speak differently if you really believed, deep down, that your husband loves your body? You might want to read and consider the two posts linked above by Paul and J as a starting point.

I challenge you to spend the next week behaving differently as a result of your "what if" contemplation.  Act with boldness and confidence, as if your husband adores your body, because chances are, he does.



The other posts in my "What If..." series.

1. A Lesson in How to "What If..."
2. What If... You and Your Spouse Really Are One?
3. What If...Intimacy Matters Most?

Lessons in marriage from an Olympic champion

I've been watching with interest over the past few months as the topic of submission in marriage has made headlines in the mainstream secular press.

Here are a few examples I found as I browsed through my "Post Ideas" folder:

• Actress and former "Full House" star Candace Cameron Bure, defends her views on traditional marriage roles based on her understanding of  what the Bible says about marriage in a Huffington Post interview for her book "Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose."  She explains, " The definition I'm using with the word 'submissive' is the biblical definition of that. So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength."

• Sara Horn, author of "My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife," is interviewed on the Today Show. She explains her views on biblical submission and how she discovered in her year-long "experiment" with submission how to love her husband more selflessly. (Note: On Friday Sara will be guest posting here and I'll be giving her book away as a Friday Freebie. Check back!)

• Former volleyball star Gabrielle Reece explains in an NBC news Today Show interview for her book "My Foot is Too Big for This Glass Slipper," how she saved her marriage by taking a more traditional "submissive" role. She explains, as I do, that submission is real strength, not weakness.

• Then there is this story about a book published in Italy by Constanza Miriano titled simply, "Get Married and Be Submissive."  Feminists are outraged, of course, yet it has become a national best-seller.

Where Are the Good, Strong, Loving Husband Stories?

I watched in amazement as these stories of "submissive wives" (I use quotes because I don't actually like that term used as a label) made significant mainstream headlines. I also watched the violent knee jerk reaction of those who have no grid for what the Bible says about marriage. I wondered to myself. "This is pretty amazing, seeing a more biblical view of marriage being portrayed in the mainstream media, but these are all women. So where are the corresponding husband headlines?"

To tell you the truth, I felt that most of the press's treatment of the brave women was pretty even-handed. Still, to focus solely on submission leaves out half of the biblical marriage equation. We need to see the stories about husbands who love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially, like Christ loves the church. We need headlines about husbands who understand that strength is not mutually exclusive with love and kindness.

Enter David Wise

I finally got my headline this week - at least in part. NBC did a story about Olympic freestyle skiing halfpipe gold medlist, David Wise. When I first saw the headline, "David Wise's Alternative Lifestyle Leads to Olympic Gold," I assumed it was going to be yet another story about Russia's anti-gay laws.

It turns out that the "alternative lifestyle" they refer to in the headline is one of loving husband and devoted father, which stands in contrast to many Olympic athletes' self-obsessed, party-hearty lifestyle. Hence he lives an "alternate" lifestyle in the writer's opinion.

Mr Wise, with wisdom well beyond his 23 years explains:

“I think my lifestyle — the fact that I have a little girl to take care of and a wife — really takes the pressure off of my skiing, because first and foremost I have to be a good husband and father.”

Whoa! What a whacked out sense of priorities for a champion athlete! The article gives the secret away, explaining that David attends church regularly and may one day become a pastor. Yep. Figures.

Now, I have no idea from my brief exposure to David Wise whether he and his wife share my view that the Bible calls a husbands to loving lead his wife with Christlike strength and goodness. Likewise I don't know whether Mrs. Wise would say she submits to her husband "as the church submits to Christ." They may well describe their marriage as more "egalitarian" than "complimentary" (wow, I hate those words, but I don't have better shorthand), as many young people now do.

Regardless, I'm happy to see a young, marriage-minded Christian man who has the integrity to put his wife and child above his own interest in winning an Olympic medal. I'm equally happy to see it pointed out by the mainstream press.Pretty awesome in my book.

Here's where you can help me out.  Can you point me to any other mainstream references to popular male figures who hold their wife and marriage in high value? More specifically can you find anyone willing to admit that they see themselves in a biblically mandated leadership role in their marriage?

What Submission is not: The Doormat, The Boss, and The Grouch

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Announcing the random winner of our last Friday Freebie: Spicey won the copy of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Please contact me with your email address so I can make arrangements to get the book to you courtesy of Julie Sibert. See the Contact Scott tab on my blog.

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In my Wives Only Wednesday post last week, Strong and Submissive, I explained how strength goes hand in hand with the submission that God calls wives to. True biblical submission has nothing to do with weakness or subjugation, as it is so often wrongly characterized.

In fact, submission actually requires strength.

Submission Misconstrued

Unfortunately, there is a pretty strong cultural push back against God's design for marriage, but I find it is mainly due to a lack of understanding of what submission really is. In an effort to dispel these common mis-characterizations, in today's post I want to explore specifically what the submission of a wife to her husband is not.

What does it mean for a husband to have the "headship" or leadership role and for a wife to respect and support him with the gift of her submission? Recall from my last post this chart:

(Note: you can find the corresponding husband's chart in my post What Headship Is Not.)

I discussed the wife of the upper right quadrant in my last post. This is the "church-like" wife the Bible describes, alluding to the fact that God designed marriage to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church.  Today I want to introduce you to the three wives represented by the other quadrants: the Doormat, the Boss and the Grouch.

The Doormat

This is probably the wife I hear described most often when people protest the notion of submission. "I'm not going to be a doormat for anyone!" The good news is your aren't supposed to be!

This wife makes the mistake of equating submission with weakness. She is often filled with self-doubt and insecurity. She thinks her opinions don't matter and that her needs are unimportant, even as the resentment over her presumed "less than" status builds. She thinks she has no voice.

The Doormat can be withdrawn from the relationship with her husband, mistaking passivity for humility. She feels uncertain of her identity in Christ, as co-heir with her husband of the full inheritance that is hers by virtue of her faith in Jesus.

The Boss

This is the wife who feels she must lay submission aside in order to show herself strong and to prove herself capable.

This wife tends to be disrespectful to her husband, her words and tone letting him know of her frequent disapproval. She will put him down to friends and family and broadcast his mistakes in order to "keep him in his place." She thinks that in order to avoid subjugation she must push for her own way. Her self-interest is front and center of most decisions.

The Boss frequently contends for power, thinking that to do otherwise shows her to be weak.

The Grouch

This wife is neither submissive nor strong, sharing some of the characteristics of both the Boss and the Doormat.

The Grouch comes across as uncaring toward her husband, from  her expressions of disrespect to her self-protective withdrawal from him. She is fearful and distrustful of any expression of leadership on his part.

She lacks the emotional strength and the integrity to deal with her husband forthrightly. She may try to bury  her emotions, but they will eventually bubble up into an outburst of some kind. 


To make the point clear, I've described the behaviors of these wives in pretty extreme terms.  Chances are none of these describes you exactly, but beware of the characteristics they portray. Be vigilant against the mindset that equates submission with weakness. And be vigilant against the prevailing sentiment against submission in any form.

Pursue strength and submission with equal vigor. Glean from your relationship with Jesus the kinds of attitudes and attributes that should attend biblical submission. If you are watchful, you will see lots of parallels between your spiritual walk and your marriage. They are everywhere.

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A note to any husbands reading this post. The post is title Wives Only Wednesday for a reason. There is nowhere in scripture where it says your are to make your wife submit to you. Demanded or coerced submission isn't submission at all, so don't try it.

Work on your end of the marriage partnership, to love and serve your wife as Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her.  Loving your wife well will draw out both her submission and her strength.

Read my corresponding post for husbands: What Headship is Not

Submission and strength go hand in hand.

A few weeks ago I promised to follow up my two posts on biblical headship for husbands by giving wives equal time. (If you missed them, the posts are here: "Good and Strong" and "That's Not Headship").

So I turn now to looking at your role in marriage as described in the New Testament scriptures. Hang onto your hats, ladies, because we're talking about...

Submission? Today? Really?

Most of you have probably at least heard that there is something about wives and submission in the Bible. Some of you may even know the verses by heart.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

You can choose to ignore these verses or pass them off as out of date for our modern world.  But my belief is that if it's in the Bible, especially if it's in the New Testament, it's probably something God cares about today and something we should try to understand.

Seeking Understanding

Most of the women (and men) that have a problem with submission have a wrong understanding of what it actually is and what it isn't. That's what this post and my next post are about. understanding true biblical submission.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of explanation in the scriptures about submission. So people seek out understanding from a lot of different sources. For example:

• Feminism - women don't need men in the first place and calling a wife to submission is like calling her to a life of slavery.
• Culture at large - 50/50 is the best way to run a marriage. Equality is the goal. Submission is unfair.
• Wrong paradigms - Captain/first mate, pilot/co-pilot, CEO/VP, etc.

None of these sources are biblical. None of them work as a model for marriage. The one we should focus on is the only one in the Bible: marriage is to be a reflection Christ and the church. Specifically, you are to submit yourself to your husband as you do the the Lord.(No husbands are not gods or equal to Christ. It means you should glean lessons for your marriage from way in which you submit to Christ).

Submission and Strength

As I pointed out in my earlier posts for husbands, we often wrongly assume that goodness (being loving) and strength are mutually exclusive.But the corresponding call for husbands to love and lead their wives as Christ does for the church means that they should be both strong and good, just like Jesus is.

In a similar fashion, you may mistakenly think that, as a wife, you cannot be both strong and submissive. So too for you, submission and strength are both important dimensions of your role as a wife. They are not mutually exclusive.

Here is how I frame it up:

The upper right quadrant, the one labeled "church-like," is what I think the Bible calls you to as a wife: to be both strong and submissive.

Forget the notion that submission means you are are to be a slave or a doormat or a Stepford automaton. No, the church-like imperative means you are to be empowered by your husband, secure and confident in his love, with a sure sense of God-given identity and purpose. 

But your strength does not conflict at all with the call for you to honor your husband with your respect, to follow and support him in humility, or to be selfless in giving your husband your love and devotion.

The truth is that true biblical submission requires real strength. It requires you to have the mental strength to do battle with the lies you hear all around you about the 50/50 marriage paradigm, about needing to look out for yourself and to stand up for your rights. It requires the emotional strength to face your doubts and fears. And it requires strength of will to let go of your need to control, to follow God's design for your marriage and to follow your husband's lead.

Yes, you can and should be both strong and submissive in your marriage. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Your submission actually makes you powerful.  True submission is a gift you give to your husband, because when submission is demanded or coerced it isn't submission at all. The choice is wholly yours.

Where do you tend to struggle the most in your marriage, with submission or with being strong? Share your story, leave a comment.

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Next time we'll take a look at what happens if you falter in either the strength or submission dimension of your role as a wife. Until then, you might want to check out what some other wives have to say about what submission means to them.

More Reading from wives on this topic:

• What Submissive Wives are Not by Nina Roesner of The Respect Dare

• Why More Women are Using the "S" Word by Sara Horn, author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife (book review coming soon!)

• The Submission Series - a thoughtful and thorough ten part series from Lori at The Generous Wife.

"Male and Female He created them." But why?

During our recent vacation, I spent time madly catching up on the big backlog in my blog feed reader.

As usual, all this reading spawned dozens of post ideas (many of which I will probably never get to). I read a lot on one particular subject, and I was inspired to tackle a hotly debated topic that I've not touched on for a while: male and female roles in marriage.

Yeah. That.

It will take several posts to explore the topic, even in part. I will likely intersperse the series with some more lighthearted fare. I don't want things to get too serious around here.

As a prelude to this series, let me say that this is not a salvation issue. It's also not a sin issue. As such, differing opinions on marriage roles are just that - opinions. My own opinions are strongly held and thoroughly considered, but I also believe I can learn from the others with whom I disagree. I concede that each side of the debate probably has it partially right. We all see through a glass dimly. Let's try to appreciate that fact.

I am hoping to spark discussion. However, I am asking that we keep the discussion honoring, respectful and positive. Hostile, mean-spirited or snarky comments on either side of the debate will not be tolerated. Period.

Side note:  to be intellectually honest you should always seek to understand what those with whom you disagree have to say. Sadly, I find that many on either side of the complementarian/egalitarian debate only read and discuss the topic among those who share their opinion, thus adding to the deeper divide between the two. Similarly, it seems many Christians shy away from examining anything "secular" or not overtly "Christian." This series will likely stretch a few of these boundaries.
 
Yin and Yang

As I was catching up on my blog reader backlog I came across a post on the importance of yin and yang in relationships. In case the concept of yin-yang is unknown to you, it is the ancient Chinese concept that seemingly opposite (or more accurately, complimentary) forces are often deeply interconnected. Examples include light and dark, high and low, and, pertinent to our discussion today, male and female.

The article spoke of the balance and harmony created through difference and contrast in relationships. These get lost, the author posed, in our quest for fairness and equality.

Fundamental to the concept of yin and yang is the fact that you can't have yin without yang. It makes no sense. Light has no meaning without darkness. There is no high without low. And there is no male without female.

Now yin-yang is not a "Christian" concept, and the post I refer to was not on a "Christian" marriage blog. However, as I thought about it, it dawned on me that God is actually the original designer of yin and yang, even though the Bible doesn't use those terms.

Yin and Yang and God

Not sure about that?  Consider these yin-yang moments at the dawn of creation:

• Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. (Genesis 1:3-4)
• Then God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear"; and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And God saw that it was good. (Genesis 1:9-10)

And finally:

• Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them... Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good... " (Genesis 1:26-27, 31)

Why?

Clearly male and female are both created in God's image. In human creation there is no sense of more and less, no sense of difference in importance or worth.

But there is difference. There is distinction. Male and female.

So the pertinent question is, "Why?"

Is there anything more to maleness and femaleness beyond the physical differences for the purpose of procreation?

Egalitarians mostly argue for the meaninglessness irrelevance of gender in defining roles in marriage. Certainly those with an ardently feminist bent do so with vigor. It seems to me that to do so argues for yang without yin or vice-versa, and this cannot be.

Others try to uncouple yang and yin from male and female. Again, to me this is a non-starter. If we believe that God made us male and female for a reason, can we so easily disregard the distinction and purpose of the two?

My observation is that society (including much of the church) is pushing men to be less yang (male) and more yin (female). At the same time, other societal forces seem to compel women toward more yang and less yin (to be more like men).

Is this blurring of the lines between yin and yang a result of societal enlightenment? Or are we undermining God's intent for His creation? Are we finally overcoming eons of patriarchal suppression of women by men or are we simply allowing political correctness to blur our eyes from the truth? Tough questions.

What Do You Think?

I have more thoughts to share on this important topic, but I want to pause here to get your thoughts.

Would you do me a favor and answer the following question in the comments:

With respect to marriage, why did God create us male and female?

Are you hiding your marriage under a bushel basket or putting it out on a stand for all to see?

Last week I wrapped up my short series on how to have a counter-culture marriage with a post about combating the media and entertainment worlds’ marriage-maligning messages. I suggest that we do battle by doing what it takes to make our own marriage great.

After all, nothing promotes marriage like great marriages!

What is a Great Marriage?

There were many excellent comments on my last post about what it means to make your marriage “salt and light” to the world around us (you might want to go back and read them).

Robyn, who blogs at Up With Marriage and Pearl, who blogs at Pearl’s OysterBed, reminded me of the important distinction between a “great marriage” and a “perfect marriage.”

We need to be genuine and real about our marriages. Being salt and light is not a matter of pretending to have the perfect marriage (such a thing doesn’t exist anyway). A great marriage is one with the same real struggles and problems that all marriages face, but one that comes through it all stronger and closer than ever.

These comments were an especially pertinent prelude to today’s post. I want to talk today about how being salt and light, as Jesus said we are to be, takes more than simply having a great marriage. It involves helping others to have great marriages too.

Helping build great marriages is not just the job of pastors and church leaders. It’s not just the job of marriage counselors. It’s not even just the job of marriage bloggers. It’s the job of the church. That’s you and me. That’s everyone.

Promote (Your) Marriage

Part of being salt and light in the marriage context means promoting your own marriage.

Here is a question I posted a while back: “What are you doing on a regular basis to demonstrate how important your own marriage is to your life, to the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams, and to your daily happiness?”

If I were to ask your friends and co-workers how important your marriage is to you or how happily married you are, what would they say? Stop and think about the image of your marriage that you are projecting.

Don’t misunderstand me, promoting your marriage doesn’t mean being boastful or arrogant. It just means you should not hesitate to make it known how important your marriage is and how much your spouse adds to to your life.

Here are some examples I gave previously:

• Don’t hold back from saying “I love you” or using other words of affection to your spouse when you are talking to them on the phone when others might overhear. (Paul Byerly, aka The Generous Husband specifically mentioned this on in his comment on my previous post)
• Tell your friends about great date spots you and your spouse have found. Mention how important it is to you that you have regular date nights and alone time together.
• In an appropriate setting, re-tell something special or thoughtful your husband or wife has done for you recently.
• Hold hands in public. Depending on your comfort level with PDA, even hold each other and/or kiss in public.
• If you see an obviously happy couple, don’t deride them to your friends but praise them. ”Isn’t it great to see such a strong and happy marriage.”
• Never tear down your spouse in front of your friends. Rather, praise him or her and express thankfulness for marriage and your spouse. Be generous with positive words.

Promote your own marriage. Brag on your spouse. Let people know how great it is to be married. When you do these things, you are casting a positive marriage light to those around you. I believe great marriage are contagious.

I’m sure you can think of more ways to promote your marriage. Let’s hear them!

Does “reality TV” truly reflect reality?  Is “The New Normal” TV show actually representative of the new normal in our society?

I intended to wrap up my series on how to have a counter-culture marriage with a post on how the mass-media and the arts and entertainment world (mis)treats marriage. There is no doubt that the enemy has had his sights on the media and entertainment world for a long time. These are two of what Os Hillman calls “The Seven Mountains of Influence.” Especially for young people, these are huge influences in our culture.

So when I first started preparing for this post, I gathered a bunch of blatantly anti-biblical, marriage-maligning examples from today’s media and entertainment industries. It was easy to find tons of atrocious examples of such shows and movies. For example, the new TV show, “The New Normal” advertises itself this way: “Two gay dads and a baby mama create a totally new kind of family comedy.” Family Comedy? Normal? Really?

Suffice it to say that examples like this are everywhere.

But then I came across an article by Os Hillman that struck me rather dramatically.  His article opens with this thought:

Christianity has become a sub-culture that is more known by what we don't like than what we believe. In the eyes of the secular world we have become a right wing political action group instead of a loving, caring Church of our Lord Jesus Christ. Our message has been shut out because of the way of the messenger. We still have the right message, but we have failed to deliver it in a manner consistent with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus modeled love and mercy and sought to change the hearts of people before He expected to see change in their behavior. Few people are attracted to Christ through a boycott.

That’s a pretty stinging indictment, and it really convicted me. Protests, boycotts and even blog posts filled with outrage will do little to reclaim our culture.  So, I decided there is little point in me writing a rant against today's movies, TV shows and music. For the most part I’d be preaching to the choir anyway.

So What Do We Do?

I’m calling you to consider a different kind of action: be salt and light. That’s what Jesus calls us to be. In Matthew 5:13-14 He put it this way:

"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.  Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.”

I don’t mind if you feel compelled to write letters of objection to networks or to boycott advertisers of certain shows that you find offensive. Do what you feel is right. But I agree with Os, these actions will do little to actually change the hearts and minds in our culture.

And it’s hearts and minds that God is after. When hearts and minds are changed, behavior follows. That's the way Jesus did it where he walked here on earth.

Start with Your Own Marriage!

First and foremost being salt and light for marriage starts by you having a great marriage yourself.

Nothing promotes marriage like terrific marriages!
So here are a few of my thoughts on how to counter the media's negative marriage messages with your own marriage:

• Know what you believe about marriage and why. Explore the fantastic biblical truths about marriage how God designed it to work. Read the Bible. Read what trusted authors and scholars have to say. Talk about it with your spouse. (My own "What I Believe About Marriage" series starts here.)
• Make your marriage a priority. Invest in your marriage with your time, attention and energy. No more giving your spouse and your marriage the leftovers after you’ve invested yourself in everything else.
• Be rooted and grounded in love. Ephesians 3 tells us that knowing the Love of Christ is the key to fullness in God. It’s also the key to fullness in marriage. You cannot fully know how to love your husband or wife if you do not know the love of Jesus. And “know” in this verse means an experiential knowledge, not head knowledge.

This isn’t exactly the post I thought I would write concerning the media and entertainment – and probably not what you expected from the headline.  Still, I’m absolutely convinced that the best way to counter the media’s negative messages concerning marriage is to have an overwhelming number of great marriages as a shining example of what marriage can be like.

What do you think it means to be “salt and light” with your marriage?


Next up: More on Being Salt and Light

Our culture would say that sex is no big deal. Not true! Sex is hugely significant to your marriage.

This is the third part of my look into the damage that some prevailing cultural norms can do to your marriage. (See my earlier posts on Entitlement  and Equality/Fairness).

Let’s examine a few of the sexual myths that get widely propagated:


Sure, sex is a physical act, but the truth is that sex is also inherently spiritual. It is more than a mingling of two bodies, it also involves the joining your soul and your spirit with your spouse. When you ignore or downplay this deeper level of sexual connection, you also limit the fruit you can enjoy from your sex life.


Our self-centered society would tell you that is all about you: your pleasure, your convenience, your desire and your satisfaction.  In truth, sex is a gift that you give to your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. Yes you benefit from it too, but when you view sex from a selfless viewpoint, it makes it so much more intimate and powerful. If you believe what the Bible says about sex, then you believe that your body actually belongs to your spouse and that it is designed for his or her pleasure.


Sex is the one thing that makes your marriage relationship unique from all the other relationships in your life. It is NOT optional. Statistics vary, but somewhere around 15% of all marriages are sexless today. That is tragic. For many more, sex is relegated to a low priority. Do you frequently postpone sex until you have more time and more energy? Maybe you should look at your priorities and remember that sex is the glue that holds your marriage together. Don’t forget the glue!


This is not actually a cultural message. Rather, it is the church’s widespread overreaction to the many ways in which society at large has corrupted what God design to be sacred and holy. Sex is powerful; therefore sex is also dangerous. But that is no reason for us to ignore it, be ashamed of it, or shun it from discussion in our churches. In fact the power of sex is the very reason we should reclaim it for the Kingdom! Sex is good! Sex is God's!

Have any of these cultural myths about sex negatively influenced your marriage? What have you done to combat them?

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For some more counter-cultural perspectives on sex and some great common sense sex advice, get Sheila Gregoire’s fabulous new e-book, 31 Days of Great Sex today!
(aff link)

This is part of short series looking at the ways in which the prevailing culture can negatively impact your marriage.  Part 1 explored Entitlement.

Today we consider the closely-related topics of equality and fairness.

Equality is a Myth

We’ve come to mistake equality with interchangeability. If two things are equal, it doesn’t mean they are the same. A husband and wife can be completely equal in human value, but very different in their marriage roles. Why does this make so many people uncomfortable? I think it’s because they fear unfairness (see below).

The bottom line for me is that equality is just the wrong measuring stick for marriage. It sets up a competitive, score-keeping environment that has us constantly measuring the degree of our equality.  We find ourselves constantly asking whether we are winning or losing.

The quest for equality is a silly notion when you stop and consider that a husband and wife are actually one. When my wife “wins,” so do I. Likewise, when I “win” the benefit accrues to her as well. Since we are one, it makes no sense to split our marriage into separate, competitive halves.

While the idea of a 50-50 marriage is often held up as the ideal, I would answer that a 100-100 marriage should actually be the goal. Each partner should go for giving 100%, doing all he or she can for their spouse and the relationship.

Don’t fall for the equality myth.

What many champion as equality is actually a desire for fairness.

Fairness is a Falsehood

The issue of fairness begs a similar set of questions. The difference is that fairness is an even more ambiguous measuring stick.  Who decides what's fair?

The dictionary defines fairness as being “free from bias or injustice.” Whereas a desire for equality seeks to eliminate all differences, a desire for fairness instead seeks justice. The question is, whose standard of justice do we use?

The Kingdom of God does not conflate fairness and justice. Ever heard, “The first shall be last?” How about, “the meek shall inherit the earth.”  “When I am weak, then I am strong.” And "God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise.”

What is fair about the very Son of God giving His life for you and me, so that we could be in relationship with Him for eternity?

Fair? Not.

More often than not, when one group cites fairness as part of its doctrine, it’s a front for selfishness. “I/we didn’t get my/our fair share!”

Alternative Measures of Success

What if instead of using equality and fairness as the measure of a successful marriage, we used selflessness and surrender? These are a lot closer to the Kingdom values that I am familiar with.

What if instead of trying to out-get from each other, we strove to out-give to each other? What if selfless, extravagant, unconditional love became the norm in your marriage? I can tell you this: if it did, you wouldn’t have any reason to even talk about equality and fairness. They would be a non-issue.

Has our culture’s preoccupation with equality and fairness affected your marriage mindset? Do you spend too much time and energy measuring and competing in your marriage? Have your eyes been opened to the way the Kingdom of God looks at these questions? Let me hear your stories.

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Priorities

1. The best thing you can do for your kids is to have a strong marriage. Showing your kids what respect and sacrificial love look like will bear fruit into multiple generations.
2. You and your spouse are one; you and your children are not. Your marriage relationship is based on a unique kind of covenant. Don’t make the mistake of relegating it to equal status with any other relationship, including the one with your kids.

Consistently prioritizing your children ahead of your marriage, however well-intentioned, is a significant reason so many couples facing the “empty nest” season suddenly find themselves rooming with a stranger.