Journey to Surrender

What is this thing called the Journey to Surrender?

A few Fridays a month I'm re-posting some of my most popular posts. Today I'm sharing my recently updated "About" page for all those of you who have been wondering who is this Scott guy and what is this thing called Journey to Surrender.

If you are new here, or even if you've been around a while, read on to find out about me, about why I write this marriage blog, and explore what I believe about marriage.

For all my readers, new and old, I encourage you to leave me a comment introducing yourself and letting me know what marriage topics would be most helpful or interesting to you.  Or if you haven't done so yet, just take my One Minute New Reader Survey.

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The Journey to Surrender is about exploring, discovering and attaining the fullest potential in Christian marriage. It is an exciting expedition available to every Christian couple willing to travel the biblical path of God’s design for marriage, a path filled with fiery passion, unmatched intimacy and joyous freedom.

I believe that having our hearts awakened to the love a relationship with Jesus is the key to a vibrant, passionate, intimate and enduring relationship between husband and wife. God instituted marriage as a living picture of his passionate pursuit of humankind in general and of you and I in particular. The biblical notion that we are the bride of Christ and He is our Bridegroom is what I and others refer to as the Bridal Paradigm. 


Who Am I?

My name is Scott Means, and I describe myself as a "marriage champion." 

I have been married to my darling wife, Jenni, in excess of 30 years, but I do not claim to have all the answers or to have a perfect marriage. Marriage is a lifelong journey into ever deeper intimacy.  

I have studied a lot about what the Bible says on marriage. I've read extensively what others have to say on the topic, Christian as well as secular sources, as I've passionately pursued understanding of God's intent for marriage. I do not claim to have cornered the market on insight or understanding, but I am excited to see marriages in the church strengthened, renewed and restored to their God-given potential.
I believe we, as believers, have the inside track on marriage, because we have an intimate relationship with the one who created marriage in the first place.

Let me clearly state that I am NOT a professional marriage counselor, NOT a self proclaimed “relationship expert,” NOT a licensed psychologist, and NOT a trained pastor or theologian. 

I simply have a message to share that burns on my heart.  It's a message that I believe also burns on the heart of God.

Why I write

The fact that the failure rate of marriages in the church is not more significantly different than among the population at large saddens me deeply, and I believe God’s heart is equally saddened by the number of failed and struggling marriages, both inside and outside the church. 

I believe strong, enduring and loving marriages are the key to solving so many of society's long-standing, deeply rooted problems.  

Sadly, I also believe that in an effort to gain relevance, the church has often co-opted common cultural perspectives on marriage, rather than relying on biblical instruction. The church has, at least to some extent, lost sight of the fact that at its core marriage is a spiritual relationship, full of mystery and wonder and power.

I write to encourage Christian couples to take a turn off the path of the prevalent cultural marriage paradigm and to take a journey of a different sort - the Journey to Surrender. 

Join me here as we explore how God designed marriage to be from the very beginning.


What I believe

What I believe about marriage is based on my belief that the Bible is the Word of God, that it is true, and that it is the primary way God reveals His truths to us. I’m not a theologian, but what I write here is primarily a result of my ongoing pursuit of what God's Word has to say about marriage. 

Tip #2:  Enjoy the doing and not just having it done.

Christmas is a time of lists. Christmas wish lists. Shopping lists. Lists of names for Christmas cards and party invitations. Menu and grocery lists.
I'm a list maker, and not just at Christmas. I use an app to keep all my lists organized (Wunderlist, in case your are curious) that syncs to my phones, tablet, various desktop computers. That means my lists are always with me.
I love checking things off my lists. I've even added an otherwise missing, just-completed item to my to-do list, just for the pleasure of ticking it off.
In Tip #1 I cautioned against  letting your plans overtake your priorities.  Tip #2 is a similar, though slightly different caution about lists. Make sure you take time to enjoy actually doing the things on your list, and don't just take pleasure/relief in checking them off.
Watchfulness - Finding Meaning in the Mundane
I write a lot about being watchful. The simplest way to explain it is to say that watchfulness means taking yourself off of autopilot. It means paying attention to things that otherwise might go unnoticed.
Here are a few Christmastime opportunities for watchfulness.
Be Present in the Presents - Giving and receiving gifts is a big part of many people's Christmas traditions. But it can also be a source of a lot of stress and distraction. You've hear it said about gift giving, "it's the thought that counts." While it is true that the thought isn't always appreciated, be thoughtful as you plan, buy and wrap for those closest to you. Ask yourself what attributes about them stand out the most to you. What makes them a unique part of your life? How have they blessed you? What are you thankful for about that person? Think of giving a gift that speaks to one or more of these thoughtful questions, even if it's just a hand written letter to that effect. While time will certainly not permit you to do this with every person you give gifts to, consider whittling down your list to those in the center of your life. This will allow you to put more thought into fewer gifts.

Include Prayers with the Postage - We don't always send Christmas cards - some years are just too crazy. If sending cards is part of your tradition, consider praying for each family or person you send a card to. Maybe get the kids involved by dividing the names among your immediate family members. Is there a Scripture promise or blessing you could include for them? Don't just check off the names, but take time to actually to engage your heart as you send your cards. Another idea is to pray for the senders as you receive cards in the mail.
Pause the Preparation - Stop once in a while, in the middle of all the buying, baking, wrapping and cleaning to just be. Grab a cup of tea or coffee (or something stronger) and consider the meaning behing all that business. Find ways to enjoy yourself and take pleasure in the middle of all the doing. Spend quality time with your family. Pause to take a mental snapshot and give thanks in the moment (you don't have to post everything to Instagram or Facebook). Try not to be so busy and distracted that opportunities for meaning slip by unnoticed.
It's okay if none of these particular ideas work for you. The important thing is to find ways to make the doing meaningful and and enjoyable and not just stressful. Find ways to experience true joy, peace and enjoyment this Christmas.
What might you do differently this Christmas to find more meaning in the middle of the madness? Leave a comment.

Next time: Tip #3 - Focus on Relationships More Than on Things

Tip #1 - pick priorities over plans


I've got plans. Big plans. Lots of big plans.

My plans for this marriage ministry include a brand new, completely redesigned website. (I know some of you are saying "It's about time!" Thanks for putting up with my rough and ugly site for so long!)

I've got a bunch of writing projects that I'm very excited about. Stuff that is going to make a huge impact on a lot of marriages. I can't wait to share these with you! I want to start doing some videos, maybe even a podcast. Some day.

If you are at all like me there is a slight down side to having lots of big, exciting plans - they can make you completely miserable if you let them.

Balancing Plans and Priorities

What I have to keep in mind as I plan, is that I can't let my plans mess up my priorities. That means keeping God at the center of all I do. It means keeping family priorities high. It means making sure I'm not so busy writing about marriage that I neglect my own.

In the same way, I also have to balance plans and priorities when it comes to fighting off the Christmas crazies.

As we make plans this Christmas, whether it be parties, church activities, shopping, family gatherings or whatever, let's not let our non-seasonal priorities slip by the wayside.

In the press of plans and many opportunities for festivities of all kinds, let's remember to keep our first things first:

Keep Christ First in Christmas - It's easy to lose track of the real reason for the season among all the trappings. Consider what you might do this year that intentionally keeps the holiday centered on the miraculous gift of God to mankind in his Son, Jesus. Observe Advent. Do a Christmas devotional study. Read over the Gospel accounts of the Christmas story as a family, spreading the readings out through the remaining days until Christmas. Have periodic candle-lit prayer times, either personally, as a couple, or as a family, where you intentionally focus on the light of Christ that came into the world and it's meaning for your daily life. Have a child-friendly nativity set that you can play with together with your children as you explain the story.

Keep Your Marriage First in Your Family - There is a tendency, especially at Christmas, to make it all about the kids. It's fun to focus on them and their wide-eyed wonder, but remember that your only covenant relationship, outside of the one with Christ, is with your spouse. Don't let December craziness cause you to neglect date nights. Christmas can be an extremely romantic time of year. Take the time to snuggle by a roaring fire, maybe with a glass of wine or eggnog, and connect about your relationship (this is not the time to compare to-do lists or talk about holiday plans - this is a great time to kiss and hold each other).  Reflect together on the goodness of God and take turns expressing thanks for the good things in your life and relationship. Keep your marriage first in your extended family as well. Protect each other and be a refuge for each other from the drama that so often comes with extended families.

Keep Your Family First Above Others - There is research to support the fact that families who observe holiday traditions together have happier, healthier children. But the research also shows that this effect is only true when these traditions are filled with meaning and full family participation (including, and especially fathers). In other words, it's not about going through the motions of tradition. I encourage you to keep and/or establish some thoughtful traditions this year for your family to enjoy. Make family time a priority as you sort out your other plans.

Let Some Things Go

In my family we often joke about certain family members having ATMS (Afraid To Miss Something). It's what causes college students to stay up late at night, not wanting to risk sleeping through some potential fun, spur-of-the-moment outing. It's what compels others to attend a party that they aren't really all that interested in because something fun might happen without them.

So this Christmas season, say no to ATMS, and say no to too much activity. Saying no to some activities and plans is saying yes to your most important things. Let some things go. You don't have to do it all. Don't allow the expectations of others to press you into a frenzy of activities. Just. Say. No. Respectfully explain that you are keeping activities to a minimum this year in order to keep your priorities in line.

Plans are great. Plans can be fun. But too many plans, when they end up competing with your first priorities, can cause you needless stress and misery. I'm going to take steps to keep my first things first this Christmas, how about you? 

What might you do differently this year to avoid the Christmas crazies? Leave a comment!


Next time: Tip #2 - Enjoy the Doing, Not Just the Being Done

Is the culture in your marriage giving you the kind of marriage you want?

Over the next two posts we are going to be exploring culture. No, not what's happening in society, but rather I'll be encouraging you to take a closer look at the culture that exists within your marriage.

Why is your marriage's culture important? Allow me to borrow a few phrases from the business improvement book, Change the Culture, Change the Game, by Roger Connor and Tom Smith.

Every organization [marriage] has a culture, which either works for you or against you.

Either you manage the culture or it will manage you.

The culture of your marriage will largely determine the future course of your relationship with your spouse.

In a post I did a few years ago, What is the Culture of Your Marriage?, I made the claim that "a pound of culture is worth 10 pounds of strategy." What I meant by that is that if you get the culture right, strategy becomes less critical. The truth is that your actions and words tend to line up more with your culture than with your strategy, plans and intentions.

Your marriage has the culture you and your spouse let happen. You either shaped it intentionally toward what you wanted it to be or it defaulted to something else. Obviously it's better to purposefully craft your culture, but to do that it's helpful to first understand where you are.

Below are five questions that will give you insight into the culture that surrounds your marriage:

1) What do you believe about your marriage? 

Connor says in his book that transformational change doesn't happen until you change what you believe. It's true in business. It's true in your faith walk. And it's true in your marriage.

So what do you believe?

Do you still believe in the vows your made on your wedding day? Believe it or not, they become more important the longer you are married. Do you believe that marriage is a convenient social institution or do you understand it to be a holy union personally designed by God to be reflection of his love relationship with us?

Do you believe your marriage is primarily for what you get out of it, or do you understand that it's about more than your personal happiness?

Do you buy the lie of inevitable marital decline, that all marriage devolve into roommate status? Do you believe that you can have as much intimacy as you desire and that there is always more available to you than what you are walking in right now?

Changing your actions without changing your belief system is unsustainable. As Connor explains, belief is the difference between investment and mere involvement.

 2)  What do you and your spouse value most?

What is most important to you? Family? Faith? Finances? How do your value priorities differ from those of your spouse?

When a couple has differing value priorities, it inevitably creates stress and tension in the marriage. How do you navigate these differences? Do you have a culture of honor, where you respect what is important to your spouse even when it is not something you care that much about? Does your spouse do the same for you?

3) What is your attitude toward your marriage and your spouse?

Attitude is the way you express and apply your beliefs and values.

What would people say about your marriage by observing your behavior? Do you act in a manner consistent with your values and beliefs?

Do you maintain an attitude of grace when your spouse seems to act in a way that is our of character makes a misstep? Or do you hold onto resentments and let them build up to an eventual explosion?

4) How do you steward your marriage?

How do you spend your time, money and energy? These say a lot about your actual values, perhaps despite what you say is important. We all struggle getting priorities right sometimes, but on balance, your marriage needs to be the second most important relationship in your life next to Jesus. Your spouse and God are the only two beings you have a covenant relationship with. Do you treat them that way?

What activities characterize your marriage? Do you still date each other? Do you still pursue each other? Do you have shared interests?

5) What is the main goal of your marriage?

This is a critical question that many couples never bother to ask of each other. Not having a common understanding of the main goal of your marriage means you are likely never to attain it. You may even be heading in the opposite direction.

In my post Is Happiness the Right Goal in Marriage I proposed some possible goals for your marriage: selfless surrender, oneness, reaching your full potential, having joy and peace, or holiness. In What If Intimacy Matters Most? I explained my belief that intimacy is actually the most important goal of marriage. Do you agree?

Having a common goal or set of goals for your marriage can greatly impact its culture.


It isn't my intent to judge  your answers to these questions. I ask them to encourage you to take stock for yourself and see if the culture in your marriage is getting you the kind of marriage you want.

Next time we'll look at three simple ways to help shift the culture of your marriage in a  positive direction.

Until then, I challenge you to reduce all this to three words that best describe the culture of your marriage. It's a worthwhile exercise.  If you feel bold, leave your three word answer in a comment.

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Wives Only: The men's ministry of my church is having a conference in September. Ahead of that we are taking a survey about what is important to wives. Will you help us out and take two minutes to complete the quick survey?

3 Keys to a marriage that sustains love 

I'm concluding my Faith, Hope & Love Series today with a post about love.

Sitting down to write this post I feel the difficulty of the task before me.

How do you write a single post about love in marriage that isn't a 10,000 word treatise, a theological expose' or a concise summary filled with trite sayings?

Impossible? Maybe. But here's my shot at it.

The Greatest is Love

Recall the scriptural basis for this series:

"Now faith, Hope and love abide, these three, but the greatest is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

The whole chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 describes in great detail what love should look like. Most of us are well-acquainted with the words of the famous love chapter. Love is patient, kind and believes for the best. It is never jealous or rude or selfish.

I'm madly in love with my wife, yet I sometimes lose patience, say unkind things and behave selfishly. So to me, love is more than a set of good behaviors. It is possible to love deeply and yet fail miserably at showing it from time to time.

There must be more to love than "doing the right things."

Advice From A Prison Cell

I don't usually take marriage advice from people who have never been married. I make one notable exception, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer was a German Lutheran pastor, theologian, and staunch anti-Nazi dissident. The latter caused his imprisonment and eventual execution while he was engaged to his beloved Maria.

From prison, Bonhoeffer wrote to his niece, engaged to his best friend, on the event of their wedding, which he was unable to attend due to his imprisonment. Among other advice contained in his "Marriage Sermon from Prison," he wrote this:

It is not your love that sustains the marriage,
but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison

We have all heard the adage, "Love is more than a feeling." Here, Bonhoeffer takes that notion one step further. He is saying that we cannot count on the feelings of love to carry our marriage through. Feelings can be fickle and deceiving. But he adds to that the notion that love must be sustained, and what sustains love, according to Bonhoeffer, is your marriage.

It is marriage, that supernatural holy covenant union of two becoming one before God and man, that keeps love alive.

A Marriage That Sustains Love?

How do you ensure that your marriage sustains the love in your relationship? Sustaining love comes down to a daily choice - actually multiple choices - to serve and bless each other, even when you don't feel like it.

While there are dozens of ways to keep your love strong, here are three keys that will take you a long way toward lasting love.

1) See your marriage and your spouse as gifts from God.

Rather than look at your marriage as a problem (or set of problems) to be solved, focus and be thankful for the good parts. Even in the most difficult marriages, there are small gems that you can dig out if you look for them. Whatever you focus on will grow, so focus on the good stuff. It's not living in denial to be thankful for to good in your marriage and in your spouse. You can be thankful and still work on the  problems - the two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, a thankful attitude will actually do more to smooth out the troubled parts than will a bitter, resentful attitude.

2) Believe that you are one flesh, and live that way

Your marriage is not a competition, so don't look at it that way. Instead, remember that when you got married, you and your spouse actually became one. The notion of two becoming one is what the Apostle Paul describes as "a great mystery." Even if it doesn't feel like it, you two are one, so why not enjoy the benefits of being one with your spouse.

When you start to live in the reality of your oneness, score-keeping, battles for control and retribution make no sense. When you believe that you are one, self-focus gives way to other-focus and couple-focus. For more implications of what it means to enjoy the fruit of the one flesh reality you share, see "What If You and Your Spouse Really Are One?"

Are you afraid that being one means giving up your individuality? It doesn't mean that at all.  Read my "One Flesh: Unity and Individuality" post, and set your mind at ease.

3) Relentlessly Pursue Each Other Every Day

Never stop pursuing each other. Never. Jenni and I have just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary, but we both know that we still need to pursue each other. Every day.

The problem most people have with pursuit is that we tend to pursue our spouse in the way we want to be pursued. That rarely works out well, because men and women tend to define pursuit differently. In order to pursue well, you have to become a student of your spouse. It takes some effort and a bit of trial and error, but there is a huge payoff!  The payoff is a marriage that sustains love and passion.

Pursuing your spouse says to him or her, "I still choose you." It also says, "I am willing to do whatever it takes to have you and to keep you."

For more on pursuing your spouse, see my posts on relentless pursuit for husbands and for wives.

What would you add to these three keys that sustain love? What do you do to ensure that your marriage sustains the love in your relationship? Leave a comment.



Related Reading:

• From my "Dress for Success" series: Put On Love Part 1 and Part 2
• From Seth Adam Smith, writing in the Huffington Post: Real Love is a Choice

Transformational change doesn't happen until you change the way you think.

We are focusing on hope in marriage as part of my "Faith, Hope and Love" series.  In my last post we looked at how hope is more than mere wishful thinking.

True hope is the confident expectation that God will move on your behalf in order to satisfy your heart's desires, rescue you from difficulty or guide you to fulfill your destiny.

But how do we get from the wishful thinking kind of hope to the confident expectation kind of hope?

Getting a hold of true hope starts with changing how you think.

What You Think Matters

Here is an important fact about why what you think makes a big difference. Your brain tends to automatically filter and discount anything that doesn't line up with what you believe.

• When you believe that your marriage is hopeless, it won't matter what your spouse does, you are going to see everything through the filter of hopelessness.
• If you believe your spouse will never change, you will automatically discount any effort they make toward positive change.
• If you believe your spouse is completely selfish, any selfless act will be met with skepticism and accusation about their motivation
• If you believe God doesn't care about your marriage, you will miss seeing the hand of God move on behalf of your marriage.
• If you believe you will never have the kind of intimacy you desire, you will miss every opportunity for you and your spouse to move closer to each other.

It is also true that when you chose to believe good things about your spouse and your marriage, you are much more likely to see them when they happen. You see, our brains also have a tendency to identify things that do line up with our belief system.

Start Simply

My daughter was recently going through a hard time, battling pain and hopelessness over a difficult circumstance. In processing things in prayer, the Lord revealed to her the only two questions she was to focus on in this troubled season.

1. Do you believe I am good?
2. Do you believe I am for you?

We (okay I) can have tendency to complicate things. Truthfully, it is much better for us to grab tightly to a few essential truths rather than to grapple loosely with dozens of truths.

So when you are trying to change the way you think, pick one or two areas where you sense that your thinking isn't in line with the truth. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light of truth into your heart. He will. God is a good Father. He longs to impart hopeful truth to your heart.

If you aren't comfortable listening to the Holy Spirit, or don't believe you can hear from God, start with the two truths my daughter was challenged to focus on:

1. God is good and only has good intentions toward you
2. God is for you and for your marriage

Don't Settle For Less Than Fullness

Maybe you don't have a general sense of hopeless about your marriage, but there may be specific areas of your relationship where you have set aside hope, where you have settled for less than fullness in your marriage.  A lackluster or non-existent sex life, financial struggles, in-law troubles, health issues, or lack of emotional intimacy.

Wherever there is hopelessness in your life and marriage, God wants to restore hope. I strongly encourage you to find a few simple truths that you can press fully into in a way that you start to change the way you think.

I recently came across a short video that beautifully expresses what it means to hope in God.  Here are a few quotes:

• There are no hopeless circumstances only hopeless people. 
• God always partners with someone who has hope.
• The people who made a difference in the Bible were unreasonably optimistic.

You'll find the video of this very encouraging little three minute message on my Facebook page. Be sure to like my page while you are there!

What do you believe about your marriage? 

Just as faith launches your spiritual journey with the Lord, we come to the marriage altar full of faith too. We believe that our covenant will last a lifetime. We believe our spouse is "the one" for us. We believe that God will bless our sacred union. We believe for a good future together.

Then life happens. And faith wanes.

Do you still believe in your marriage? Maybe it would be better if I asked it this way: "What do you believe about your marriage - right now?"

It's not a rhetorical question.  What you believe about your marriage is just as important as what you believe about your spouse, the topic we covered last time in Part 1 of this series.

What you believe about your marriage will largely determine the path of your future relationship with your spouse.

3 Important Beliefs

There are dozens of suggestion I could make on what you should believe about your marriage, but to keep it simple, I'm only going to offer three here:

1) God is For Your Marriage - Most Christians would agree that God is for marriage. After all, He's the one who created it in the first place. But did you know that God is for YOUR marriage in particular. He cares about the health, passion, intimacy level and longevity of your marriage, and He is wanting to actively partner with you to help you have the marriage you dream of.  Pray for your marriage and your spouse. Ask God to lead you by the Holy Spirit in the way you speak, act and think concerning your marriage. He is anxious to help. Your marriage matters to God. Believe it.

Related Posts:

• Marriage Full of Grace - You were made for glory!
• Faith vs. Facts - What do you do with the gap?

2) Intimacy is the Goal - Have you ever asked yourself what the purpose and goal of your marriage is? My opinion is that intimacy is the ultimate goal of any marriage. I'm talking about intimacy in all its forms: spiritual, sexual, emotional, financial, recreational, intellectual... Intimacy in the whole of your beings. Intimacy that comes from being fully know and fully loved. When you got married, you and your spouse became one, so why not live like it is really true. Forget scorekeeping, stop struggling for power and to "win," put away selfishness and anger. These all tear at the fabric of your oneness.

Related Posts

• What if Intimacy Matters Most?
• What if You and Your Spouse Really Are One?

3) The Best is Yet to Come - Society and the media will tell you that marriages ultimately decline. It's a lie. If you walk in the truth of beliefs 1 and 2 above, then it is entirely possible to continually grow closer regardless of how long you've been married. Don't believe the myth that marriages eventually end up in roommate status no matter what you do. Work to keep your sex life vibrant, to continue to date your spouse, to give yourself fully to your spouse and marriage, to invest in romance and other emotional dimensions of your relationship. You can and should keep your marriage on the Path of Intimacy.

Related Posts:

• Staying On the Path of Intimacy 
• There's Always More 

Yes, what you believe about your marriage really matters. Your beliefs drive your thoughts, actions and words. Give some thought to the things your are believing about your marriage these days and ask yourself if these beliefs will take you where you want to go.

What key  marriage beliefs would you add to my three? Leave a comment!


PS  Take a minute to give this fabulous song a listen, God Believes in You by Pierce Pettis.
Remember as you listen, that God believes in your marriage too!

It's time to renew your dreams and even add to them. It's never too late.


A few days ago I turned 55. I can hardly believe that number.

Of course I know that 55 is mathematically only one year older than 54, but somehow the prospect of being closer to 60 than to 50 has been tough on me mentally. Whatever age you are, you've probably had certain milestone birthdays that have been more difficult than others. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Right?

Victory, Not Decline, Is Our Destiny

Compounding this benchmark birthday, or maybe because of it, I've been feeling like too many areas of my life are in decline recently. I've had a few health issues (nothing major), I've stepped down from leading worship to focus on marriage ministry, which isn't going like I'd hoped it would: book still unfinished, small group curriculum unpublished, blog posts getting fewer and farther between, new website remains a distant dream.

I could go on, but  you get the point. Too many things not going in the direction I want them to.Discouragement abounded.

Then the other day I stumbled across a little verse that seemed to be straight from the Lord to my heart. It is from The Passion Translation, which I highly recommend for it's insight into the heart of God.

And say to Archippus, “Be faithful to complete the ministry you received from our Lord Jesus and don’t give in to your problems until they yield the victory God intends for you to have!”

Colossians 4:17 (TPT)

As the footnote in The Passion Translation explains, "We can only speculate why Paul wanted this exhortation to be made to him. Some believe he was a minister of Christ who was discouraged and needed to be exhorted to not abandon his calling."

When I think about the trials and discouragement those in the early church faced, my meager difficulties seem pretty minor. Still, Paul's words of encouragement spoke to me.

No matter your age, whatever the reason, we all have seasons where we feel discouragement, decline and/or disappointment. Just like with Archippus, God doesn't want us to give up! He wants us to hold onto hope, to hold onto him until victory comes. And it does come. God  has a destiny for you and me that is greater than anything we could dream or imagine.

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams].

Ephesians 4:20 (AMP)

Hope For Your Marriage

Although my marriage is not one of the areas where I am battling disappointment, I know I need to never give in to the idea that marriages inevitably decline. It's a lie that I never want to agree with. I know there are a lot of couples who have lost hope. Maybe past hurts, years of disconnection and pain, or a basic lack of intimacy on any level have left you feeling hopeless and helpless.

We can take heart in the fact that God is a redeemer and a restorer. It's his nature. It's who He is and what He does. We can cling to that truth. I've seen him do miracles in so many hard, seemingly hopeless marriages.

What unfulfilled dreams do you have for your marriage? What desires have you let go of? What dreams do you want to add to those you have already?

I strongly believe that there is always more ahead for every marriage. More love. More intimacy. More passion. I believe it for my marriage, and I believe it for yours. Even the best marriages can discover deeper levels of these things. And struggling marriages can rekindle them again.

Where to Start

Start with God. It might sound trite, but it's a powerful truth that the love you need to sustain your marriage is best found in the One who is Love.

As the Apostle Paul prays in Ephesians 3, we are to never stop pursuing a deeper understanding of the powerful, relentless love of God. First, because it's critical to learn how He feels about us. Second, because He longs to equip us with His love in the journey of our marriages. God's love is our foundation.

Second, change the way you think. Allow God to renew your hope and to speak heaven's perspective into your dreams. He is a good Father who has great things to say to you. Seek Him and His heart for you, your spouse and your marriage.

Then begin to do little things to work on you and the way you interact with your spouse. There is no magic formula here. Reach across the divide between the two of you with kind words and small gestures of love. Do your best to focus more on what you can give than on what you expect to receive. There will be setbacks, but press on. Pray a lot. Forgive quickly. Let grace abound.

Here's a little extra encouragement I read recently from Nitty Gritty Love, When Your Marriage Seems Hopeless.

No matter how long you feel like your marriage has been in decline, don't give up hope. It's never too late for God to move and turn things around. 

Do you have a story of God working  to save or restore your marriage? Share your story with a comment.

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Here are just a few encouraging testimonies of restored marriage dreams from some fellow marriage bloggers:

• Forgiven Wife 
• J Parker of Hot, Holy and Humorous 
• Brad & Kate of One Flesh Marriage 
• Jennifer of The Unveiled Wife
• Robyn Gibson of Up With Marriage, shares her story on the Forgiven Wife blog: A 365 Day Journey
• The Peaceful Wife 
• Bonny at Bonny's Oyster Bed

Sin was the problem. Grace was the method. Intimacy was the goal.

Holy Week, Good Friday and Easter have come and gone, but I want to pause today to reflect on the significance of this most holy season and what it means for your marriage.

What Does Easter Have to do With Marriage? 

Actually, a lot more than you might think.

For starters, you have to understand that marriage was on God's heart before time began. Before he set the world in motion, he knew he would need to send his Son, Jesus, to claim an eternal bride.

Marriage, your marriage, is the picture God chose to show us his passionate pursuit of us.

Next consider the symbolism of the Lord's supper on Maundy Thursday. In celebrating the Passover, Jesus takes a cup of wine and offers it to his disciples. This act mirrors the traditional Jewish offer of betrothal in which the groom offers his bride a cup of wine. If she accepts it, she is accepting his marriage proposal. She is declaring her acceptance of the marriage covenant. In effect, she is saying "I am yours, forever."

The Problem, The Method, The Goal

The forgiveness of our sins was not the goal of the cross. I realize that statement could be misinterpreted, but hang with me.

Yes, sin was the problem that separated us from God. Sin needed to be dealt with, and Jesus was the only One worthy of that task. But forgiveness was not the goal.

You see, I believe that sin was the problem. Grace was the method. But intimacy was the ultimate goal. 

Jesus stepped out of heaven, came to earth and died a cruel death in order for us to have an intimate and eternal relationship with God, starting right now. Easter, by way of the cross, gives us intimate and permanent access to the Father.

The Marriage Message of Easter

In religion we have a tendency to get hung up on rules. Rules make us comfortable, because we think they tell us if we are okay or not. Are we "in" or "out?" Are we "good" or "bad?"

But Jesus came to do away with the law (rules) and to replace it with His grace. We are "in" and "good" because of Him. No good we could do got us in. Grace got us in and keeps us in.

Jesus cares a lot more about our love relationship with Him than our ability to follow all the rules. That's why he had such a problem with the Pharisees. They followed all the rules, but their hearts were far from God. (Matt 15:8)

How often in our marriages do we put rules ahead of the relationship? Our rules are all the expectations and demands we heap upon our spouse. It's the bar of acceptability we require them to jump over before we will love them in return, before we will surrender ourselves to them, before we will give back.

But that's not how Jesus loved us. That's not the message of Easter. No, grace abounded "while we were yet sinners." (Rom 5:8)

Consider this passage that kicks off Paul's famous chapter on marriage:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.  Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

In the afterglow of Easter, consider the extravagance of Jesus' offer of grace, and consider the unconditional nature of his love for us. Love your spouse like that.

Grace is an invitation to intimacy. It's as true in your marriage as it is in your walk with God.

Are there areas where you have let rules and expectations hinder intimacy? Consider how growing in grace toward your husband or wife might deepen the intimacy between  you. Move in the direction of grace and see how love, intimacy and passion grow in your marriage.

---

I was inspired to write this while reading Kate's excellent post over at One Flesh Marriage, 3 Things the Cross Teaches us About Marriage.  Be sure to check it out.

The strongest marriages are those that are lived in community.

My lovely wife and I are leading another marriage small group at our church. We purposefully targeted this particular session to be for those who are in or approaching their "empty nest" years, and we have a great group of couples who will be looking at the question, "What's next for our marriage in the season ahead?"

This is the fifth time we have led this same 12-week marriage curriculum, but each time has been totally unique because of there have been different marriages involved in each group. Each couple brought their unique history, perspective, insights and yes, problems, to our group. In addition to our current group of seasoned marriages, we've had a group of mostly newly-marrieds and several groups that spanned multiple life stages.

We've had a great deal of fun digging into what God has to say about marriage in His Word and applying it practically.

Marriage is Best Done in Community

In many ways, marriage is a very private affair. No one else can or needs to know the depths of any couple's relationship. Much of your relationship will remain just between the two of you.

Yet, I do believe that marriages benefit greatly when couples choose to place themselves in community. And I'm not talking about men's groups and women's groups, which have their place. I'm talking about making a habit of engaging with other married couples as a couple.

The sad truth is that many, if not most, churches don't have an official marriage ministry. But even if that is true in your church, there is nothing to stop you from getting together with other couples whose marriages you admire.

Finding Other Couples

Good, strong marriages are usually not that hard to spot. I'd suggest you start in your church. Look around for couples who show honor to one another, who support one another. Watch for those couples who speak to each other with admiration and respect. Watch how they look at each other.

Trust me, you'll be able to discern pretty quickly which marriages are filled with intimacy and passion and which ones are not.

Should you pick couples who are a little older and more experienced? Or should you get with others who are in a similar life stage to your own? There are good reasons to do both. It depends on what you hope to gain from the relationship. If you are wanting more of a mentoring relationship, look for a seasoned marriage. If you are wanting to develop mutual long term friendships, look for couples near your own age.

Anything you do to build your marriage is a great step forward.

Get Real

Regardless of whether you join a regular marriage group or just get together with another couple or two once in a while, you'll gain the most benefit by being honest about your marriage, the good and the not so good. This kind of vulnerability requires that you develop a certain level of trust.

I would suggest that you, your spouse and your new couple friends agree to a few ground rules in discussing your marriage:

• Agree with your spouse ahead of time about what is okay to discuss with others.
• Have a firm understanding of confidentiality. What is shared among you stays among you.
• Invite the other couple(s) to speak into your marriage. They will be for forthright if they are given formal permission to do so.
• Acknowledge that it is okay if you are not in agreement about everything, but agree to disagree respectfully and with honor.

Regardless of how you choose to go about it, be purposeful in seeking out a strong, marriage-positive community in which to live out your marriage. You'll be glad you did.


Now it's your turn. Do you have any advice to share with couples looking to grow their marriage in community? What have you and your spouse experienced along this line? Does your church have a marriage ministry? Have you participated? What benefits have you seen in your marriage from rubbing shoulders with other married couples? Leave a comment.

Welcome to 2015! 

The turn of the new year is always a great opportunity for fresh starts. Whether your are a person who makes resolutions or not, it's a chance for all of us to reflect on the previous year and to dream a bit for the year ahead.

Blogging with Peace and Joy

I went into 2014 with some high hopes and big plans for this marriage ministry thing I do. Yet, after a year of juggling a demanding more-than-full-time job and my blogging and other marriage ministry activities, I find myself in a similar place to where I was at the turn of the previous year. I'm still wanting to do more, to reach more people, to write more, and ultimately to impact more marriages.

In many ways, many of my aspirations for 2015 are carrying over from last year. Yet, this year I'm more comfortable with the fact that there will always be more. It's taken an especially challenging blogging year to realize that I need to be okay with wishes and dreams that may sometimes have to be deferred, yet without losing hope.

I sense that Lord is calling me to be at peace and to take joy in the doing of the things that He has called me to. I need to take joy in the doing, not just in being done. He wants me to live in the moment, each moment, and to stop striving. Easier said than done!

God makes it clear in his Word that I have available to me "the peace that passes understanding" - that's a supernatural peace that has nothing to do with circumstances or how much I accomplish.

He has also made it clear that living at peace (that is, Shalom - the concept of whole being wellness) is the key to also living in joy. Not happiness. Joy. Joy that springs from an inner well, that finds pleasure in being and not just doing. Joy that places my identity in who God says I am and not in what the world says.

Joy - the ability to delight in God, in his endless love and grace toward me, and to eagerly anticipate whatever He has for my future. [Tweet This Now]

I often need to remind myself that peace and joy are both fruits of the Holy Spirit. That keeps me grounded in the reality that these are not things I get by striving in the natural. These are not things I will get from making New Year's resolutions over.

These are gifts that come from Him by the Spirit. If I want to enjoy them, I need to learn to abide in Jesus and to be continually being filled with the Spirit. He is my ultimate source of peace and joy.

Marriage with Peace and Joy

What marriage struggles have you faced in 2014? What hopes and wishes have been deferred, and what are your desires for the year ahead? Do you find yourself another year further along in your marriage journey and yet facing many of the same issues?

Whether 2014 was a breakthrough year for your marriage or it feels more like a year stuck in neutral, there is always more ahead for your marriage. In that way, not surprisingly, marriage is a lot like our walk with Christ. There is always more to discover, more to grow in, new levels of intimacy available, a deeper levels of surrender, new experiences to enjoy.

But the Lord does not want you to strive and struggle in the marriage journey. He wants to infuse it with His supernatural peace and joy. His desire is that you lean into Him and trust that He only has the best intentions for you and for your marriage.

It's fitting to recall what the angels proclaimed at Jesus' birth.

I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people...
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men.
(Luke 2: 10, 14)    [Tweet This Now]

My prayer for you, me and our marriages in 2015 is that it would be a year full of supernatural peace and joy.

Oh and one other thing. I feel that the Lord has declared to me that when I learn to walk in peace and joy, power will follow. Power to do all that he has called me to. Power to see lives and marriages transformed. Power to see the will of God on the Earth, just as it is in heaven.

Peace >> Joy >> Power!  So let it be, Lord!

PS  Don't worry, we'll be back to The Gift of Sex series next week!

The wholesale abandonment of marriage in general and traditional marriage in particular is one of the greatest threats to our country. What can we do?

Apologies in advance to my readers outside the US. Chances are, however, that what I'm about to say probably has bearing on your own country. In fact, I'd love to hear how the state of marriage compares in your own country.

It is not popular to stand up for marriage in the US these days, especially if you take a more traditional and sacramental view of the institution. If fact, those who do so, especially if they have any kind of public profile, often face severe chastisement and abuse by those who disagree. There seems to no longer be space in our society for courteous public discourse about the important topic of marriage.

Here are just two recent examples of the kind of vitriol I'm talking about:

• Brandon Eich, the CEO of Mozilla, makers of the popular Firefox browser, was forced to resign over outrageously insane reactions to the revelation that he donated money to support California's proposition to define marriage as between one man and one woman. What free speech?
• In a recent Harper's Bazaar interview, actress Kirsten Dunst expressed her personal views that support more traditional gender roles in marriage. Her suggestion that females might actually be feminine prompted vicious and profane attacks from the left. Most of what I read is not fit to print.

I could offer more, but I'm sure you get my point.

Good News?

Is it really all that bad? Is marriage in the US really in trouble? I believe so.

Shaunti Feldhahn has a new book out called The Good News About Marriage. In it she debunks some common myths about divorce and marriage statistics, such as the oft-quoted 50% divorce rate. She counters that "according to the Census Bureau, 72% of those who have ever been married, are still married to their first spouse." That is good news.

However, it's a definite good news/bad news story. One of the trends contributing to a lower divorce rate is that young people are delaying marriage or doing away with it altogether. According to the The National Marriage Project's (TNMP) Knot Yet report, the average age of marriage is higher than it has ever been (27 for women and 29 for men). In 2011, there were more unmarried females than married females for the first time in US history. Along with that, cohabitation has soared from about 1.6 million people in 1980 to 7.6 million in 2011.

Another alarming trend is fatherlessness.  In their State of our Unions 2012 report,  TNMP reports that the rate of out-of-wedlock births is now approaching 50% for low-to-moderately educated women, almost twice what it was in 1982.

If we ignore or try to whitewash these statistics, we do so at our own peril. In the foreword to The Good News About Marriage, pastor Andy Stanley states the following:

We have been both accepting and adding to a deep sense of cultural discouragement about marriage. A discouragement that instead of motivating people, leeches hope from marriages. A discouragement that, it turns out, is based more on myth than reality.

Admittedly, I haven't read the book yet - it's in my reader, but I've read enough of the promotional material to give me pause. I'm a little concerned with the apparent premise that marriage in our country really isn't in trouble. Yes, the divorce rate is down, but the underlying reason is that marriage is in an even deeper decline. And that's not good news at all.

Where is the Hope?

These trends are very disturbing to me as a marriage blogger and as an American, I'm an unashamedly patriotic individual, and I happen to think America is a unique force for good in the world. However, as I observe our steady slide away from marriage, I can't help but wonder what the future holds for my children.

Shaunti Feldhahn's book notwithstanding, I think we are in trouble. Yet we are not without hope. I agree with her statement in a recent article for Catalyst, Everything we Think We Know About Marriage is Wrong, which is obviously a book promo piece::

What marriages need today is hope. And of all people, we in the Body of Christ should be the most ready to offer hope – not just for our spiritual life but for our marriages. And now, we can.

We, as believers have the inside track on marriage. We hold the hope. We have a close, personal relationship with the One who created marriage before time began. We have also been given the relationship of Jesus and the church as a model for marriage. I often say that the marriages in the church should be so compellingly beautiful and strong that people should get save just by observing how we do marriage. Yeah, I'm a bit of an idealist.

The National Marriage Project supports a pro-marriage legislative agenda to reverse some of the deleterious trends in marriage. I don't think government policies are the answer, though they may help stem the tide.

Only the church can save marriage.

Happy Birthday from the Church

So here are the seven gifts I think the church should give to our country to help re-establish marriage as the strong central pillar of our society.

1. Be more proactive in supporting and strengthening the vast number of okay marriages, and stop focusing so much on divorce/crisis intervention and divorce recovery. The goal should be for every marriage to be great, not just okay.
2. Speak boldly about the sacred, holy and wondrous nature of marriage from the pulpit, not just to married folks in marriage seminars, but to everyone in the church. Often.
3. Be willing to talk frankly about sex in a healthy and open manner. When we drive sex into the shadows, all kinds of unhealthy fruit grows in its place, such as porn use, extra-marital affairs, and sexless marriages.
4. Begin giving young people encouraging messages about marriage, even in their teenage years. The media and society are speaking loudly and clearly to kids with false and counterfeit messages. We need to be louder and clearer.
5. Hire more marriage pastors. Why do most churches have children's pastors, youth pastors, teaching pastors, outreach pastors and pastors of every kind except marriage pastors. What does a marriage pastor do? See number 1 above.
6. Start and/or promote marriage small groups using excellent curriculum and strong, well-equipped leaders. Encourage organic marriage mentoring programs, where every married couple is connected with another couple or two.
7. Every pastoral/leadership couple should work hard to make their marriages a stellar example to their congregations, but at the same time, should be transparent about the realities of married life. It is well known how the demands of pastoring often wreak havoc on these marriages. It may require a little less focus on their congregations and a little more focus on their marriages. 

What else do you think the church can give our country on behalf of marriage? Share your thoughts with a comment.

When was that last time obedience really cost you something?

During a time of prayer a few months back the Lord brought a question to my mind. It's usually easy to spot the God questions. They aren't the kind of questions I would typically think to ask myself. They often can't be answered offhand, requiring me to wrestle with them before the answer emerges.

And they usually end up rocking my world in a significant way.

The question this time was: "What would radical obedience look like?"

For the purposes of this post I'll spare you the soul searching part and skip to the answer. Jenni and I talked it over and agreed that it was time for me to do whatever it takes for me to finish the book I've been writing in fits and starts but hadn't touched in almost two years.

God of the Ridiculous

I have felt impressed by the Lord on more than one occasion to finish the book, but I would always eventually pass it off as impossible. At this stage of my life I can barely get a weekly post and a monthly newsletter in. A book? Ridiculous to even consider.

But I've found that God is often a God of the ridiculous. By that I mean upside down, out of reach, way out there ridiculous. Maybe more accurate would be to say He is a God of ridiculously radical ideas.

So despite being under more work pressure than ever before. Despite the 102 items backlogged in my to do list (that's a real number, by the way - the photo above is a screenshot from my to do list manager) I am sequestered away at a friend's lake house for a week of concentrated work on my book.

No Guarantees

I would love to promise you that when you step out in radical obedience that the clouds will suddenly part and everything will suddenly turn easy.

Maybe it actually does work that way sometimes, but more often than not, at least for me, it doesn't. This week is no exception.

God did show me ridiculous favor by providing a comfortable secluded place for a week for free, without me even having to ask for it. It was a fantastic confirmation that we had heard God correctly concerning the book.

But the actual writing part is being much harder and more laborious that I had ever imagined. Progress has been so much less than I had hoped for going in.

It's funny (strange funny, not ha ha funny) how after the first steps of obedience God often calls us to a place of deeper trust. You see it everywhere in The Bible. David spent 14 years running for his life before his anointing as king finally came to pass. I'm convinced that during those years of running God was preparing David to bear the blessing he had in store.

Radical Surrender

Radical obedience usually calls for radical surrender.

I'm not talking about the "giving up" kind of surrender but the "giving over" kind. It usually calls for some kind of sacrifice, generosity, submission or serving.

I think God calls us all to radical surrender in our marriages.

Think about your relationship with your spouse. When was the last time God called you to radical obedience in your marriage? I'm not talking about obedience to your spouse but obedience to what you know God has called you to be or to do for him or her.

When is the last time your obedience, your surrender of self, really cost you something? When was the last time putting your spouse first in something was really hard? When is the last time you purposefully chose grace over offense, sexual intimacy over exhaustion, reaching out in kindness in the face of emotional distance?

If you can't think of any recent examples, I encourage you to pray and ask, "God, what would radical obedience look like in my marriage?" Then do whatever he shows you.


PS While you are praying, I'd appreciate your prayers on behalf of this little book writing venture I'm in the middle of.  Thanks. Now back to the book.

How do you do "What If?"

I often say around my house, "I don't do what if."

When I say "I don't do what if," I'm normally referring to the kind of hypothetical "what if" that precedes a possible future negative scenario, one triggered by doubt or worry or fear of an unknown future event. "What if we get in an accident."  "What if we run out of money before we run out of bills."  "What if my child makes a bad decision?" Those kind of "what ifs" are almost never fruitful.

I also refuse to "what if" in response to concerns over the theoretical consequences of a past action or decision. "What if I should have taken that other job?"  "What if I shouldn't have said that to him?"  "What if I chose the wrong husband?" More useless and pointless what ifs.

These are the kinds of what ifs I try not to give voice to. 

Some "What Ifs" We Should Do

I'm thinking that there are times that I maybe should actually do a little more "what iffing."  No, not the negative, worry-filled kind. I mean maybe I should do some more hope-filled, promise-motivated, truth-oriented "what iffing."

Maybe you should join me.

Yes, lets go ahead and put aside those fretful "what ifs," and grab hold of a few altogether different ones like these:

• What if God loves you and me as much and as relentlessly as He says He does?
• What if the promises of the Bible are really true and really for you and me?
• What if God's enduring faithfulness really does reach to the heavens and right into our circumstances?
• What if perfect love really does cast out fear, and what if that perfect love dwells right inside us?

Now there are some what ifs worth focusing on!

A Bit of Marriage "What If"

I wrote the following bit of "What If" prose a few years ago for a marriage retreat the I helped lead. I was reminded of it while writing this post. It's another bit of "what if" that is well worth considering.

• What if marriage is more than simply a convenient social institution for orderly human procreation?
• What if marriage was purposefully conceived by God before all time in order to create a living picture of His desire to dwell in intimacy with you and me?
• What if, when he created the first marriage in the Garden, he already knew that he would ultimately send his Son, Jesus, to be our heavenly Bridegroom, and planned to send Him to His death so that we could live in intimacy with Him forever?
• What if God, who was willing to go to any length to be in relationship with you, made you for the express purpose of loving you unconditionally and not for what you could “do” for Him?

• What if this understanding of God’s love for you sheds light on the way you are to love your husband or wife? 
• What if the primary purpose of your marriage was simply to love your spouse and not so much so that you could get them to do what you want, to meet your needs, or even so that they would love you in return. 
• What if  love was your only motive.

   And...

• What if love was your spouse’s only motive? 
• What if you knew that he or she was only after your heart and not your conformance to a set of expected behaviors. 
• What if what mattered most to your spouse was to live in intimate relationship with you and not how they could get their own needs met.

     Imagine...

• What if you were both able to love each other “as if” your love was already a perfect reflection of the selfless love of God, even when you behave otherwise, in the same way that God loves us.

What about you? Do you tend to do the negative "what if" thing? Can you offer some alternative, truth-filled "what ifs" besides the ones I listed?  I'd love to hear your ideas. Leave a comment.

Lessons in marriage from an Olympic champion

I've been watching with interest over the past few months as the topic of submission in marriage has made headlines in the mainstream secular press.

Here are a few examples I found as I browsed through my "Post Ideas" folder:

• Actress and former "Full House" star Candace Cameron Bure, defends her views on traditional marriage roles based on her understanding of  what the Bible says about marriage in a Huffington Post interview for her book "Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose."  She explains, " The definition I'm using with the word 'submissive' is the biblical definition of that. So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength."

• Sara Horn, author of "My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife," is interviewed on the Today Show. She explains her views on biblical submission and how she discovered in her year-long "experiment" with submission how to love her husband more selflessly. (Note: On Friday Sara will be guest posting here and I'll be giving her book away as a Friday Freebie. Check back!)

• Former volleyball star Gabrielle Reece explains in an NBC news Today Show interview for her book "My Foot is Too Big for This Glass Slipper," how she saved her marriage by taking a more traditional "submissive" role. She explains, as I do, that submission is real strength, not weakness.

• Then there is this story about a book published in Italy by Constanza Miriano titled simply, "Get Married and Be Submissive."  Feminists are outraged, of course, yet it has become a national best-seller.

Where Are the Good, Strong, Loving Husband Stories?

I watched in amazement as these stories of "submissive wives" (I use quotes because I don't actually like that term used as a label) made significant mainstream headlines. I also watched the violent knee jerk reaction of those who have no grid for what the Bible says about marriage. I wondered to myself. "This is pretty amazing, seeing a more biblical view of marriage being portrayed in the mainstream media, but these are all women. So where are the corresponding husband headlines?"

To tell you the truth, I felt that most of the press's treatment of the brave women was pretty even-handed. Still, to focus solely on submission leaves out half of the biblical marriage equation. We need to see the stories about husbands who love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially, like Christ loves the church. We need headlines about husbands who understand that strength is not mutually exclusive with love and kindness.

Enter David Wise

I finally got my headline this week - at least in part. NBC did a story about Olympic freestyle skiing halfpipe gold medlist, David Wise. When I first saw the headline, "David Wise's Alternative Lifestyle Leads to Olympic Gold," I assumed it was going to be yet another story about Russia's anti-gay laws.

It turns out that the "alternative lifestyle" they refer to in the headline is one of loving husband and devoted father, which stands in contrast to many Olympic athletes' self-obsessed, party-hearty lifestyle. Hence he lives an "alternate" lifestyle in the writer's opinion.

Mr Wise, with wisdom well beyond his 23 years explains:

“I think my lifestyle — the fact that I have a little girl to take care of and a wife — really takes the pressure off of my skiing, because first and foremost I have to be a good husband and father.”

Whoa! What a whacked out sense of priorities for a champion athlete! The article gives the secret away, explaining that David attends church regularly and may one day become a pastor. Yep. Figures.

Now, I have no idea from my brief exposure to David Wise whether he and his wife share my view that the Bible calls a husbands to loving lead his wife with Christlike strength and goodness. Likewise I don't know whether Mrs. Wise would say she submits to her husband "as the church submits to Christ." They may well describe their marriage as more "egalitarian" than "complimentary" (wow, I hate those words, but I don't have better shorthand), as many young people now do.

Regardless, I'm happy to see a young, marriage-minded Christian man who has the integrity to put his wife and child above his own interest in winning an Olympic medal. I'm equally happy to see it pointed out by the mainstream press.Pretty awesome in my book.

Here's where you can help me out.  Can you point me to any other mainstream references to popular male figures who hold their wife and marriage in high value? More specifically can you find anyone willing to admit that they see themselves in a biblically mandated leadership role in their marriage?