Journey to Surrender

When it comes to PDA, the real question is "How much is enough?"

I'm a member of Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, and this month CMBA is sponsoring a blog challenge based on this picture by Kate Aldrich Photography (titles added by me).
Kate and her husband Brad, blog at One Flesh Marriage.

I'm a little late to the party with this post, and my take on the photo is somewhat different than my fellow CMBA bloggers (check out the list of other challenge posts in the comments on this CMBA Newsletter post).

My immediate thought upon seeing the challenge photo went to public displays of affection, or PDA.

I realize there are cultural and contextual limits to PDA, but I personally err on the side of more not less. Let me explain.

Proclaim Your Love

I appreciate couples who are willing to show the world that they are happily married, still in love and show affection for each other. No, I don't want to see a public make-out session or blatant groping, but I see a whole lot more of the other extreme: couples who practically act like strangers in public.

What I like about this photo is the way this couple obviously has affection toward each other. Although their actions are moderated by the umbrella, their love shines through.

Publicly showing affection for your spouse not only demonstrates your love, but it is a great declaration in support of marriage in general. "Marriage rocks! And I'm not afraid to show it!"

Below you'll find 15 ways to give the world a glimpse of your affection for each other.

Affection Doesn't Mean Indecent

Of course your spouse needs to be comfortable with whatever form of PDA you engage in, but there are plenty of ways ways to show affection without being indecent or inappropriate. For example:

• 1 - Hold hands while you walk through your neighborhood
• 2 - Kiss hello and goodbye regardless of where you are
• 3 - Put your arm around your wife in church
• 4 - Lean your head on your husband's shoulder in the theater while waiting for the movie to start
• 5 - Rest your hand on your spouse's knee while sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant (Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Tripplehorn, it is very much a married move).

I don't know of anyone who would find such actions offensive.

Non-Physical PDA

There are also tons of ways to show affection that don't involve physical contact. Here are just a few:

• 6 - Open your wife's car door for her. (Take her hand to help her from the car)
• 7 - Speak kindly (even brag) about your spouse to your friends and family
• 8 - Bring your spouse a cup of tea or coffee at the church coffee hour
• 9 - Send flowers to your wife at work

Public Secret

When you are away from home, there are other ways to show affection for each other that are for your eyes/ears only. Such acts of love add a sense of spice and adventure to your relationship while you are out and about. Some secrets that only the two of you will know:

• 10 - Make eye contact with each other and smile warmly across a crowded room. Give an air kiss.
• 11 - Let your husband know that you are wearing something special for him under your clothes (or that you aren't wearing anything!)
• 12 - Whisper something romantic in your wife's ear
• 13 - Steal a long, passionate kiss in a private hallway or dark parking lot
• 14 - Write a slightly racy text message about your plans for the evening. (You can make it racier if you have a private, secure messaging app like Couple or Avacado.)
• 15 - Leave a note where only your spouse will find it (wallet, purse, briefcase, etc). It can range from sweet to sexy.

What's your take on couples showing affection for each other in public? Would you like to see more of it in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

Last time I wrote about the potential damage technology can inflict on your marriage and ways to avoid it.

This week we'll look at ways to use technology to actually bless your spouse and improve your marriage.


1. Keep in Touch

Although electronic communication (texts, emails, private messages, etc) are no substitute for real, in-person conversation, it does afford couples easy ways to stay in touch with each other. Jenni and I text and message each other frequently throughout the day, and I find that it helps us maintain our connection while we are physically separated. We let each other know of prayer needs, victories and struggles in real time. It is helpful when we are unable to have a lengthy conversation.

Here are a few ways to keep in touch electronically:

• Text a prayer request or ask how you can pray for your spouse.
• Send an instant message "I'm especially missing you today."
• Follow up on an important meeting or event and ask how it went
• Send a link to a song that reminds you of your spouse or that might be an encouragement

2. Be Intentional

I keep all my calendars and to do lists online and they are available across all my devices. I also use these tools to help me be intentional where Jenni is concerned.

Here are a few examples of how I do that:

• Keep track of her schedule so I can pray for her and ask her about happenings.
• Jot down movies we talk about wanting to see in a list.
• Put date nights in my calendar so I can remember to plan when it's my turn.
• Make a note of blog posts or articles I'd like us to discuss together

3. Get Your Flirt On

Sometimes it's easier to be flirty when you aren't face-to-face. There are even apps like Couple and Avacado that provide a secure way to communicate words and pictures that you wouldn't want someone to stumble across in your phone.

Here are a few ways to flirt with your spouse.

• Remind your spouse of a sexy memory.  Ask if you can re-enact it tonight.
• Thank your spouse for "last night," accompanied by the appropriate emoticons.
• Visually oriented husbands especially like to see a bit of skin or lingerie (but make sure it's totally secure)
• Text your spouse something you like about their physical appearance.
• Send a message suggesting what you have in mind for the two of you tonight after the kids are in bed

Important note: husbands and wives usually have different definitions of how they like be flirted with. Try to keep in mind your spouse's definition!

4. Learn, Grow, Improve

There is a wealth of fantastic marriage encouragement out there these days, and electronic devices give you convenient, on-the-go access to them.

• Bookmark your favorite marriage blogs in your phone or tablet (I hope Journey to Surrender is among them!).
• Sign up to receive a marriage newsletter or two that you find helpful. You can sign up for mine here.
• Get a Kindle or reader app and download a marriage book or two. Read one together with your spouse and talk about it.
• Take a marriage challenge or download a marriage devotional or prayer guide.

5. Remember

Many of us use our phones as a massive storage device.  With so many cloud-based storage solutions from the likes of Google, Apple and Microsoft, you have a real opportunity to keep a treasure trove of memories available to you wherever you go.

• Sit down with your spouse once in a while and look back through some photos of meaningful, fun, or silly events.
• Use your phone or tablet as a journal (though I know many prefer actual paper).
• Make a list on your phone of the things you love most about your spouse (really, do this!). Read them every day. Share one occasionally with your spouse.

6. When You Are Apart

Both Jenni and I travel quite a bit, much of it international. We find electronic communications especially helpful in keeping us connected when we are worlds apart.

• Send emails to each other when our time zones don't line up. It's great to wake up to a letter from my darling wife.
• Text, what's app, or use messenger more diligently, even more when we are traveling.
• It's especially nice when we can Skype or Facetime and actually get to see each other. Not quite as good as being there but close.

Do any of you have other ways you use technology to benefit your marriage? I'd love to hear your ideas! Leave a comment.

When facing your marriage expectations, it's important to consider where they came from.
Last time we examined how expectations can be helpful or hurtful to your marriage.

But how do you identify good, healthy, helpful expectations as opposed to those that are unreasonable and potentially damaging?

To help you sort out the good, the bad and the ugly, you might just want to look at the sources of your expectations.

Some Not-So-Healthy Sources

Generally speaking the sources below almost always lead to unrealistic expectations:

• TV & Movies - for the most part modern movies convey totally unhelpful depiction of marriage, whether it's mocking the institution itself, denigrating husbands, or promoting promiscuity as harmless and normal. Despite the name, reality TV is not anywhere close to reality, and most of the shows teach us all that love is selfish and about your own personal happiness.
• Porn - it's not real, folks, in any way shape or form. It's dangerous. Just because a particular act is shown in porn doesn't make it wrong (between husband and wife), but at the same time it also doesn't make it normal or typical. Your sexual expectations need to principally be developed from within your relationship. 
• Romance Novels - These are not real either. Though they maybe aren't in the same league with pornography, they hold a similar kind of danger. (I'm not talking about novels that contain an element of romance, but the romance novel genre.) The "romances" portrayed tend to be unrealistic, and a wife shouldn't expect her husband to be like the fictionalized and idealized characters found in the pages of trashy novels.
• Divorced or Struggling Friends and Family - nothing will lower your expectations of your own marriage like hanging around those whose marriage is in rough shape. Not that you should abandon people in tough marriage situations. Just watch that your own expectations are not affected. I know this danger, because it's happened to us.
• Conventional Wisdom - As with most things in the Kingdom, God's idea of how we should do marriage is mostly upside down from what the world proposes. Examples could fill several posts.

A Mixed Bag

These sources can contribute either positively or negatively to your marriage expectations. Tread with caution.

• Your Church - Churches don't always do a great job of instructing on marriage, especially the sexual aspects. Some churches do an excellent job of supporting and building the marriages in their congregations, but others much less so.  
• Your Parents - Probably the marriage you observed the most, besides your own, is the one between your parents, seeing both the good and the bad. Determine to emulate the good and avoid the bad, but don't project your parents' negative behaviors onto your spouse. 
• Marriage Books - Not everyone who gets a publishing contract has the inside track on truth. Of course there are marriage books that are outstanding and extremely helpful. Just consider what you read prayerfully. The one flaw I see in many marriage books is that they advertise quick fixes and simple, universal solutions. The problem with cookie cutter solutions is that there aren't very many cookie cutter marriages.  
• Marriage Bloggers - Though it pains me to say, I've seen some phenomenally bad marriage advice doled out by well-intentioned marriage bloggers. I've no doubt given some myself. I've also seen lots of really excellent stuff. As with books, weigh what you read carefully and prayerfully. It's also dangerous to take a single post and run with it until you've read enough to understand where a particular writer is coming form. To learn more about me, check out my recent Friday Favorite post, What Is The Journey to Surrender. 

Good Sources

• The Bible - Marriage was God's idea, and His is the best marriage perspective around. Expectations that flow from the Word will always be healthy ones. Of course the passages of Scripture about marriage require interpretation and application, and that's why we need...
• The Holy Spirit - God is for marriage in general, but also for your marriage in particular. He longs to partner with you as he leads you into all truth through the Holy Spirit (John 16:13), including helping you have healthy marriage expectations.  
• Love and Grace - Any expectations you have for your marriage that are based on what I call the two bookends of marriage, love and grace, will more than likely produce good fruit in your relationship.

When you stumble across expectation in your marriage or presumptions about your spouse, stop to consider the source. Identifying unhealthy sources just might save you from some painful disappointments in the future.

What other sources of expectations have you found to be consistently helpful or consistently harmful? Leave a comment.

Do what it takes to create a new experience together this year that you'll savor for the rest of your marriage.
Sixteen years ago my wife and I were in a particularly difficult season of caring for my mother, who suffered with Alzheimer's, in our home. My dear, sweet wife especially bore the burden of this challenging care. We were, quite frankly, exhausted.

During this time, for our 40th birthdays, we made arrangements for my mom's care and booked a trip to San Francisco. It was a glorious break with many fun and memorable happenings. One of these was a surprise I arranged for Jenni - a night at a quaint English style inn, nestled along the shoreline highway near the beach. We had an amazing stay, some of the details of which I will not be sharing. We did enjoy a wonderful full English breakfast and then spent most of an entire day, just sitting quietly on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Neither of us could remember a time when our souls were rested and fed so deeply.

We are excited to be headed back to The Pelican Inn next month. It will be fun to revisit the past. It will also be an opportunity to create a new set of memories, since we are in a very different season of life. Our youngest at the time was in preschool. She'll be a college senior next year. Time flies...

On a smaller scale, a few months ago we celebrated the anniversary of our first date, 38 years prior, by reenacting it with a visit to Pizza Hut. It was a wonderful and fun way to remember those early days of our fabulous journey together.

Little Things and Big Things

I share a lot about the tremendous importance of doing small things every day to feed your marriage. Little expressions of love and kindness, done frequently and consistently, will make more of a difference in your marriage than a few big events.

But big events matter too.

Creating significant memories together feeds your marriage in different ways than the day-to-day loving actions that keep your marriage on track.

Here are five reason to be intentional about creating significant memories together.

1) Experiences Have Staying Power

When I think back over our marriage, what I remember most are not the items we acquired. Other than a our houses and some of our cars, I can't even remember most of the "stuff" we've purchased in the past 33 years. But I do remember many of the events we've created. The truth is that prioritizing spending on creating memories pays higher dividends than almost anything else you can spend your money on.

2) Your Brain Will Thank You

Brain science tells us that new and exciting experiences fill our heads and bodies with the same kinds of chemicals that flooded our beings when we first fell in love (Dopamine, Adrenaline and Serotonin). So get innovative and find something new to do that you've never done before. Your brain will thank you.

3) Feed Your Soul

I can still vividly recall the deep sense of well-being my wife and I experienced that day spent staring at the ocean. We learned the importance for us to gaze on beauty together. We now make a point of looking for opportunities to do so, whether it be in the mountains or wherever. When you are designing your significant memories, remember to include activities that feed your souls. Whether it's enjoying a beautiful view, experiencing a new culture, resting deeply or even the thrill of something like skydiving, find something that will touch you deeply.

4) Shared New Experiences Build Intimacy

My wife and I have a saying, "Sex is always great when there's a number on the door." There is something about getting away from your daily routine that makes you able to let go, and that's a good thing when it comes to sexual intimacy. A change of venue can be a great opportunity to build other kinds of intimacy as well, including emotional, spiritual and recreational. Make sure you aren't so busy seeing the sights that you miss out on adventures in the bedroom.  And plan time to just be with each other and talk - really talk.

5) Cultivating Thankfulness

When my wife and I recall some of our significant shared memories, it always causes us to be thankful for what we have, for the memories we've made and for the love we share.

What significant memory have you experienced with your spouse? We'd love to hear about it. Leave a comment.

It's not too late to plan something special for Valentines Day! 

At my house we usually do it up big time, but, alas, this year my valentine is half way around the world on a ministry trip. All I could manage was a card and a small box of chocolates in her suitcase.

I know not every couple celebrates Valentines Day, but if you are wanting to celebrate the "day of love" but still don't have a plan, don't worry. I'm here to help you out with links to 20 different posts full of fabulous romantic ideas.

You're not the romantic type, you say? Bah. It's really not that hard. Just read below and get on the ball!

My Best Romantic Valentines Day Ideas

Here a few of my best romantic ideas, personally tested by yours truly and guaranteed to be a hit.

The Numbers Game - What do you love about your husband or wife? Here's your chance to say them all in a fun and creative way. Write down all the reasons you love your spouse, as many as you can think of,  and spend the entire day revealing them all to him or her.  I share specific creative ways to do this!

Romantic Balloon Pop - A really fun one! Think up a dozen little  fun/romantic activities,  love-coupons, or little gifts. Blow up a dozen red, pink and white balloons and put each item, or something representing it, or a clue to where it is hidden inside the balloon. Have your spouse pick a balloon and pop it! You can pop them all at once or spread the fun throughout the day!

Homemade Luxury Spa - No money for a spa gift certificate? No worries. Create your own in-home spa experience! I tell you how. It's not as hard as you might think, and definitely more fun and intimate than any gift certificate!

Romantic Surprise Getaway - No, this one's not for the faint of heart. My lovely wife describes a romantic surprise getaway I planned for her not long ago. This kind of thing can be rather involved, but it's well worth the time and effort, believe me!

You can always search my blog for more romantic ideas.

Love Coupons, Posters and More

Printable cards and coupons are a quick and easy way to say, "I love you." Many of these can be customized for the love of your life.

Printable Candygram Posters from the Dating Divas

Printable Valentine's Day Cards with Bible Verses from Time Warp Wife

Printable Love Coupons from The Marriage Bed

Fill-in-the-Blank Valentine’s Love Notes from the Dating Divas

More Lists and Ideas

Here is a list of lists, full of ideas too numerous to count.

14 Romantic Valentine’s Day Date Ideas from Fulfilling Your Vows

Six Valentine’s Day gifts your husband actually wants from Dave Willis

Romantic Valentine Ideas from Debi at the Romantic Vineyard

What I Really Want for Valentine’s Day (Maybe You Do Too) from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous

15 Manly Gifts to Give Your Guy This Valentines (Real Ideas From a Guy) from Intentional Today
Valentines Day Thoughts

These posts aren't exactly gift ideas in the traditional sense, but they may inspire some ideas.

The Ultimate Valentine's Gift from The Generous Husband

What Women Rally Want for Valentine's Day from the Dating Divas

How to Make it a Valentine’s Day He Won’t Forget by Debi of The Romantic Vineyard on the Engaged Marriage blog

3 Things I Am Doing For My Husband Leading Up To Valentine’s Day from Unveiled Wife

Here's are two posts I wrote for Valentines Day a while back:

• For Wives - A Little Romance His Way
• For Husbands - The Other 364 Days 

So there they are. All the Valentines Day resources you could need. I'm sure there is something for everyone among these links. There's still plenty of time left to make this Valentines Day a memorable one!

Do you have a Valentines Day idea to share with our readers? Help us out and leave a comment!

Today I'm starting a new feature called Friday Favorites. On most Fridays I'll be going back in time and revisiting some of my most-viewed older posts. If you are new around here, you'll definitely want to check them out.

Today's Friday Favorite post is an all time top 25 post about kissing, 10 Ways to Change Up Your Kissing Routine. I've also mashed it together with parts of this post: Why a Kiss is Not Just A Kiss.

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If "a kiss is just a kiss" then you are doing it wrong.

To me, a kiss is:

• An intimate physical expression of the oneness you share
• A publicly acceptable way of showing affection for your spouse
• Eliminates emotional space between your by eliminating physical space
• As close as you can get to each other without actually having sex
• A great way to keep your physical relationship on simmer
• A cheap, fat-free, sugar-free, guilt-free treat. It can, however, be habit forming

Science Daily claims that a University of Albany study "found sex differences in the importance and type of kissing. Males tended to kiss as a means to an end -- to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner."

Ten ways to change up your kissing routine

1) Kiss across a crowded room - Some enchanted evening, catch your spouse's eye across a room full of people. Smile, pucker your lips make a kissing gesture toward him or her.  It tells your partner that you are thinking of them and loving them despite the crush of humanity between you.

2) Nibble Kiss - Add a little variety by nibbling or gently biting your spouse's lower lip after a more tender kiss.

3) French Kiss - A famously promoted but seldom mastered kiss where your tongues dance together. The trick here is to go slowly and not simply thrust your tongue wildly (that's fine for later, after things heat up). Tease his or her lips with the tip of your tongue. Probe gently and wait for a response before taking things up a notch.

4) Possessive Kiss - Catch your lover off guard by transforming a simple short kiss into a hot, deeply sensual kiss. Wrap your arms around him or her, hold them tightly and kiss like you mean it! This sends the message "you are mine!"

5) Earlobe Kiss - Not  everyone likes their ears messed with, but those who do would love to have their earlobes nibbled gently. Whisper a sweet nothing while your are there. Careful though, loud smacking kisses near the ear can really hurt!

6) Cold Kiss - Use and ice cube or mint to cool your mouth before you kiss. It provides an interesting sensation. If your partner is game it can be very sensual to pass it between you with your tongue while you kiss.

7) Nuzzling Kiss - When things are heating up, leave a trail of gentle kisses down one side of your partner's neck and back up the other side. You'll be sure to send tingles through his or her body.

8) Show and Tell Kiss - Ask your partner to describe his or her favorite kiss, and then try to deliver it.

9) Upside-Down Kiss - Catch your partner laying down and approach him or her with your head opposite theirs for an interesting kissing sensation.

10) Almost Kiss - Bring your lips close together and see how long you can go without actually touching.

Take a Kissing Challenge

Kissing Challenge #1 - Makeout Session

See if you can spend ten minutes in a good old fashioned make-out session. Can you make it the full ten minutes with only kissing, nothing more? What you do after the ten minutes is up is totally up to you!

Kissing Challenge #2 - A Kiss to Remember All Day

When your husband/wife leaves for work today (or some other opportune time) give him/her a kiss he’ll/she'll remember all day. Make it at least 10 or 15 seconds. Wrap your arms tightly around him/her and press your bodies together. Your goal should be to see if you can make your spouse dizzy. Later in the day, call, text or email them to say that you have another kiss like that waiting for when they arrive home. Make sure you follow up and give that second kiss.

Are you a kissing couple? Do you need to improve your kissing game? Do you have a favorite kiss? Kiss and tell, it's okay! Leave a comment.

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In case you missed it from my last post, I've got a special 25% off introductory sale going on for my fun, new workbook, "Intimate Connections for Couples." Special ends on Valentines Day, so hurry!

A warm welcome to all the new subscribers who signed up through my "Warm Winter Date Night" giveaway. Congratulations to Krista on winning the contest - I'll be contacting you shortly.

To the rest of you, I hope you'll stick around. I hope you'll be a regular reader (and commenter) here on Journey to Surrender. Most of all, I hope your marriage will be blessed and strengthened by what I share.

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As I mentioned in my last post about the giveaway, I'm launching into a new series this month: Date Night.

I'm sure you've seen lists like this before.
You've read them, and thought "yeah, we really need to do that." Then you went on with your Iife and forgot all about it.

I get it. Life crashes in, and thoughts of date night fade into the distance. It's too hard to do it with any consistency, and there are too many reasons it just doesn't seem possible right now. Maybe someday. Maybe someday when the kids are older. Maybe someday when work isn't so demanding. Maybe someday when I'm not so tired. Maybe someday when we have more money.

The problem with waiting for "someday" is that someday never comes. There will always be reasons that continuing to date each other is difficult, no matter the season of life you find yourself in.

Whether you've been married 4 months or 40 years, you need to keep dating for all the reasons listed in the infographic above and more.

You probably already know that. The question is what are you going to do about it? Now?

Make a Plan for 2016

I'm not a big believer in New Years resolutions. I am, however, a big believer in making a plan to accomplish a goal, especially when that goal has to do with your marriage.

I'm going to be sharing some results from my recent Date Night poll in the coming posts, along with Date Night ideas, and additional encouragement as to why this is so important.

I'll share here the first few Date Night poll results (more to come in future posts). In my survey, 47% of respondents were either somewhat or very unhappy about the frequency of their dates. Only 10% were very happy. Clearly there is a lot of room for improvement in most marriages - probably in yours too. You are not alone!

Here's what people said were the biggest impediments to having more regular date nights.
Busyness was clearly the number one enemy of date nights, followed closely by having not enough money or enough energy to make it happen. A significant majority reported one of these as among their top obstacles.

It's easy to say, and less easy to do, but these really come down to managing your priorities. Bottom line: these marriages are getting leftovers, and most of the time there aren't any.

So as you set plans and goals in place for 2016, sit down with your spouse and talk about what is keeping you from more frequent and regular date nights. Identify your top few obstacles, and then brainstorm options for overcoming them. What are you willing to say "no" to, in order that you can say "yes" to a better, more intimate, more passionate marriage?

Make specific plans for who is going to do what differently in order to make a way for dates to happen more consistently.

Make a Plan for January

Let's start with baby steps, and just look at what's left of this month.

Get out your January calendars, and set aside at least 2 or 3 dates in the coming weeks for dates. You don't have decide right now what you are going to do (that's for my next post), but decide who will be in charge of making the plans, whether you take turns, plan together, or one person does it all.

Whoever it is that is designated as the date planner, hold each other accountable. It's okay to ask, a week or so out, whether the plans are all set. Don't be tempted to say, "Well, if he/she really cared, I wouldn't have to remind him/her." Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Better to say, "I'm really looking forward to our date on Friday. Can you clue me in on your plans? Or is it going to be a surprise?"

What is the biggest obstacle for you and your spouse when it comes to having more dates? What do you think can be done to overcome it? Leave a comment.


Next Time:  "I Don't Know, What Do You Want to Do?"

Free intimacy building download, just in time for Valentine's Day!

That's right. I'm offering my popular 14-Day Intimacy Challenge for Husbands and Wives for free through Noisetrade. Thousands of couples have already downloaded these great eBooks and taken the challenge. Now is your chance. 

Get the Husbands Challenge Here.

Get the Wife's Challenge Here.

This is a limited time offer, so get them while you can!

Learn to Think, Act and Communicate in Ways That Cultivate Intimacy in Your Marriage!

What is the Intimacy Challenge?

If you aren’t satisfied with the intimacy level in your marriage (and I don’t think you ever should be), it’s time to challenge yourself to take a fresh approach. The Intimacy Challenge dares you to do things differently in order to get different results. By following each daily call to action you will begin to think, act and communicate in new ways that encourage intimacy to thrive.

Who should take the challenge?

For many couples, intimacy is an ever-elusive goal. Every couple wants more of it, though many can’t agree on what exactly it is. Few couples know how to get it, and even fewer actually attain it. If this describes your marriage, even a little, take this 14-day challenge and watch the intimacy level rise to new heights.

Why should I take the challenge?

Every couple will benefit from making intimacy a priority. The truth is there is always more intimacy available.

What real couples say

Here's what real couples have shared about their experience with The 14 Day Intimacy Challenge:

• "Thank you for the helpful tips and advice. It has really helped us grow closer together!"
• "Sometimes it is just the awareness that helps to make things work better, and you provided that for me."
• "Thank you for so many great ideas that stretched me out of my comfort zone!"
• "Thank you for your investment in marriage. Many need this type of encouragement and advice!"
• "Thank you for such a wonderful marriage building exercise!"

How to Give It

This challenge makes the perfect gift for Valentine's day.

Here's one suggestion for how to give it. Print out the cover and wrap it or put it in card. When your spouse opens it, explain that every day for the next two weeks you'll be taking the challenge, which is designed to build more intimacy in your marriage. Each day has something to think about, something to do, and something to ask. You could leave it at that, or explain further, as you wish.

Another way to give the challenge is to not say anything about it until the challenge is over, or unless your spouse begins to suspect that something is "different" and asks.

The third way to give it is to decide to do the challenge together and take turns with each day, spreading the challenge out to 28 days. (He does his Day 1, then she does her Day 1, etc.)

However you decide to give it, please do make this investment in your marriage. You'll be glad you did.

Feel free to drop back by and tell us how it went with a comment below.

[Wives Only Wednesday]

Spark passion by relentlessly pursuing your husband HIS way.

I proposed last week in "From Discipline and Duty to Delight"  that passion is a key ingredient to delighting in your husband. When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give generously and to love and serve him.

On Monday I offered husbands the first of four ways to pump up the passion: pursuit.

Today, I'm addressing wives separately, because pursuit typically looks very different to men and women.  As I told the guys, if you want to raise the passion level in your marriage, you are going to have to pay attention to it and purposefully cultivate a more passionate atmosphere.

Rethinking Passion

What do you envision when you hear the term “passionate marriage?”

If you are like many women, then you likely think of scenes from some of the chick flicks you’ve watched or the romance novels you’ve read.  Or maybe you are thinking more like your husband might and envisioning steamy lovemaking scenes.  Regardless, I want to push you to expand your thinking a bit beyond the romantic and sexual aspects of your marriage, though passion certainly does include those.

The kind of passion I'm talking about refers to having an underlying sense of excitement and fervor about your spouse and your marriage, having a relationship full of intensity, joyfulness and unbridled enthusiasm in both the sexual and non-sexual dimensions of your relationship.

Building a passionate marriage starts with desire. You have to want it, and you have to be willing to go after it with determination. Passionate marriages don't just happen. They are sought, cultivated and guarded. Passionate marriages only happen on purpose.

Passion = Pursuit

It's fairly common knowledge that every woman likes to feel pursued, but did you know that your husband also wants to be pursued? It's true. But the nature of what he considers pursuit is likely quite different than what you think of as pursuit.

If you want your husband to feel pursued by you, then you have to pursue him HIS way. And that may not be a way you are used to thinking.

The kind of pursuit your husband has in mind probably has a significant sexual component. There is some truth to the adage that "Men want a princess in the streets and a wildcat between the sheets." There are various versions of this, some much more vulgar, but the idea is the same. Your man feels desired and pursued when you act overtly sexual toward him. That idea might be uncomfortable for you, but I challenge you to try it for yourself. Step outside your comfort zone once in a while and watch his reaction.

The other way your husband will feel pursued is when you let him know how much you admire him as a man, as a leader, as a provider. Your husband wants to be your hero, even if he knows he sometimes falls short of that mark. I can tell you that if you pursue him with your admiration, he is much more likely to step into the hero role than if you criticize him.

Passion Pointers

What matters most is what constitutes genuine pursuit to your own husband. It could be that sexual advances and admiration won't do it for him. If you don't have a clue where to start, come right out and ask him. Be willing to really hear what he says without defending your past actions (or inactions).

Just in case you aren't sure where to start,  I'll give you a few suggestions:

• Write him a suggestive love note. Recall a favorite encounter or tell him a few specific things about how he made you feel in bed recently.
• Surprise him with tickets to his favorite sporting event or musical group. You get bonus points if it is something he knows isn't your favorite pastime.
• Bring him a little token of your love the next time you are out shopping, something you know he'll really appreciate. Tell him, "I saw this and thought of you."
• Give him a back, neck or foot rub. While you do thank him sincerely for things he's done for you recently or for working so hard at his job to provide for you.
• Initiate sex in a creative way. Example: leave a note on the kitchen table for him to find telling him you are waiting for him in bed and to come up now.
• Learn how to flirt with him over text message. If you want to get more explicit, there are a number of private, secure apps you can use.

You'll find a few other tips in my post "Endless Pursuit."

Two things are true about pursuit: 1) you should never stop doing it, and 2) it has to be done in whatever way means pursuit to your husband.

How are you doing in the area of pursuit? What have you found that means pursuit to your man? If there are any husbands  listening in, can you offer your thoughts on what makes you feel pursued? Leave a comment.

[Men Only Monday]

Spark passion by relentlessly pursuing your wife HER way.

I proposed in my last post, From Discipline and Duty to Delight, that passion is a key ingredient to delighting in your wife. When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give generously and to love and serve her.

But how do you raise the passion level in your marriage? It doesn't happen by default. It requires you to purposefully cultivate a more passionate atmosphere.

In this series I propose four ways to pump up the passion. Today I'm addressing husbands with Part 1: Pursuit.

(For the wives version, check back on Wednesday!)

Passion Re-framed

What do you envision when you hear the term “passionate marriage?”

If you are a typical male, then you likely think of steamy sex and lots of it. And there’s nothing wrong with that! However, I want to push you to expand your thinking beyond the bedroom.

While it may be possible to have a passionate sex life while the rest of your marriage is in the doldrums, it’s a pretty unlikely combination. So if you want things to heat up in the bedroom, work to set the rest of your marriage on fire. Learn to cultivate passion in the entirety of your marriage.

Passion = Pursuit

You should never stop pursuing your wife. I mean never, even if you've been marriage 50 years. When you stop pursuing her, it sends your wife the message, "You are no longer the one I would choose."

How do you pursue your wife?  Let me get this out of the way early: relentlessly pestering her for sex does not constitute pursuit, at least not for most wives.

Instead, pursue your wife her way.  For many wives this means romancing her and wooing her with your love. For some of you it means going back to the kind of things you did when you were trying to win her heart. Maybe you need to bring back the things you used to do to show her your love, but have since let go of, as you allowed every day life to push out the passion.

Pursuit means being attentive to her and really listening to her. Engage and gain understanding of what she has to say.

Most importantly, learn what says "I love you" to your wife, and then go about doing those things on a regular basis.

Your wife wants to be pursued, to know she is worth your time and attention, the center of your affection, and yes, that she is desirable to you. Learn to be passionate and relentless in your pursuit of your wife.

Passion Pointers

As I said above, what matters most is what constitutes genuine pursuit to your wife. If you don't have a clue where to start, you could always ask her (I know, novel thought).

But in case you need a few ideas to get you headed in the right direction, I'll offer these:

• Write her a love letter (keep in mind the kind of letter SHE would like).
• Plan a romantic date. Take care of all the details like reservations and sitter.
• Surprise her with tickets to her favorite show or concert (even and especially if it isn't your favorite)
• Bring her a small gift out of the blue. Tell her it's for no reason other than that you love her and were thinking of her.
• Go for a walk. Hold her hand or put your arm around her. Really listen to her.
• Text her in the middle of the day just to make a connection. Ask her how she is doing. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you love her. 

You'll find a few other tips in my post "Endless Pursuit."

Remember these two truths about pursuit: 1) you must never stop doing it, and 2) it has to be done in a way that means pursuit to your wife.

How are you doing in the area of pursuit? Have you found what means pursuit to your wife? If there are any wives listening in, can you offer us husbands your thoughts on what makes you feel pursued? Leave a comment.

Now that the big day has passed, it's time to focus on the other 364 days.

I can almost hear the collective sigh of relief. You managed to survive the big pressure of the annual romance test that occurs every February 14th.

You searched the racks and selected just the right greeting card or perhaps even wrote your own. Maybe you expressed your devotion in a traditional manner with flowers or chocolates or perfume. Or instead you may have focused more on the time you shared together and came up with a fun and romantic date.

Congratulations. You made it. And now you can relax for another year. You are off the hook.

Except, actually, you aren't.

There are couples who completely forego the celebration of Valentines Day because they feel that it places an inappropriate emphasis on love and romance for a single day.

I get that.

However, I have a slightly different take. I say, why not go ahead celebrate the day of love, in your own way, but also don't be fooled into thinking that one day a year is all it takes.

The Other 364 Days

However you "performed" this Valentine's Day, or if you didn't observe the day at all, let me encourage you not to relax or relent in expressing your love and devotion to your wife.

Here's the truth: your wife needs a daily dose of your love. Really. Every. Single. Day.

The good news is that it doesn't take flowers or candy or perfume to show your wife the love and affection she desires. Of course there is nothing wrong with gifts, especially if that is her love language, but real romance, the best romance, happens amidst the daily reality of doing life together.

Romantically Challenged?

I hear husbands give the excuse that they just aren't romantically inclined. Actually, I hear more wives make that claim about their husbands. Either way, that excuse just doesn't work for me. Just like anything else you become skilled at, you can develop your romantic skills.

How, you ask?

Well, how do you go about developing your golf or tennis game? It starts with desire to play better. You study the game by watching what others do and reading up on tips and tricks. Ultimately, however, you improve your game the most by playing frequently. And if a round or match goes badly, you don't give up, you redouble your efforts.

It works the same way with your romance game.  Could you really expect to play any sport well by playing once a year. No way!

The Little Things

Let me take some pressure off of you. Continually romancing your wife doesn't mean always coming up with bigger and more extravagant expressions of love. In fact, let me encourage you by saying that the little things, done constantly and consistently, are much more important than big surprises done annually.

It's really about being aware and being intentional. The word I use is watchfulness. Being watchful means keeping your marriage off of autopilot. Watchfulness is a mindset. It doesn't actually require that much effort except inside your head. Once you begin to watch your wife and your marriage carefully, you'll see lots of opportunities to love on her in ways that don't actually require all the much effort.
I did a post a while back on the importance of continuing to pursue each other regardless of how long you've been married. Here are a few tips from that post to get you started thinking in the right direction.

• Pay extra attention to your appearance. Shave your face again before bed or going out together or leave it scruffy it she prefers the rough look.
• Dress up your wardrobe and pick things you know your wife likes. Ask her to pick your shirt for your next date.
• Put a little extra planning and thought into your dates (heck, have dates in the first place!).
• Wear cologne that is  your wife's preference, whether it is yours or not. Freshen it up before you hop into bed.
• Write little notes, texts, or emails to let your wife know you are thinking of her. Make it sweet or sexy as your wife would like.
• Next time you are in a store for something else, pick up a little treat, snack or other surprise that you know your wife likes. Tell her, “I saw this and thought of you.” Even better, “I was thinking of you, so when I saw this I just had to get it for you.”
• Let your hello or goodbye kiss linger another 10 or 20 seconds longer than it would normally. Hold her tight while you kiss.
• When your wife is across the house or outside somewhere, when you are both in the middle of doing something else, go find her, give her a deep, luscious kiss, and walk away without a word. If she asks why, just say, “I just needed that.”
• Draw your wife a bath, pour her a glass of wine and light some candles by the tub. Lead her to the bath, give her a kiss and say, "relax and enjoy while I put the kids to bed."  Surprise her by not pressuring her for sex, so she knows you did it just for her.

You'll note that most of the things on my list don't take much work. The hard part is remembering to do them! Until you get in the habit, it can be helpful to put little love expressions right in your planner. It's not cheating if it helps you stay watchful! 

The other part of watchfulness is to see which love expressions seem to mean the most to your wife. Every woman is different. And truth be told, the things she loved last year (or even last month) might not mean as much this year. That's why I say it's important to be a student of your wife.  Study her!

Okay, here's where you can help your fellow readers. Do you have some additional suggestions for little ways to love and romance your wife all year long? We'd all love to hear them, so leave a comment!

Is it time you started doing a little more with your lips?

In my last post I encouraged you to up your smooching game.

If you don't think kissing is that important, I suggest you reconsider. Try upping your game and see if maybe it just needs a boost. If you have intimacy issues with your spouse, work on those for sure, but maybe a little more kissing might help. If he or she eats too much garlic, try some breath mints.

Whatever the reason, if you've fallen into low-kiss a rut, stop settling and try a few of the ideas below.

You see, I believe God is a big fan of kissing.  Doubt me? Go read Song of Solomon! God is all about intimacy in all forms - including the kind that happens when two people press their lips together.

I actually think he designed us to really enjoy this wonderful form of intimacy between a man and a woman. It's just like Him to do that sort of thing for us.

Try Something New

Are you lacking confidence in your kissing game? Do you need a little inspiration or some fresh ideas. Check the list below, with kisses ranging from silly to sexy:

Kiss across a crowded room - Some enchanted evening, catch your spouse's eye across a room full of people. Smile, pucker your lips make a kissing gesture toward him or her.  It tells your partner that you are thinking of them and loving them despite the crush of humanity between you.

Nibble Kiss - Add a little variety by nibbling or gently biting your spouse's lower lip after a more tender kiss.

French Kiss - A famously promoted but seldom mastered kiss where your tongues dance together. The trick here is to go slowly and not simply thrust your tongue wildly (that's fine for later, after things heat up). Tease his or her lips with the tip of your tongue. Probe gently and wait for a response before taking things up a notch. 

Possessive Kiss - Catch your lover off guard by transforming a simple short kiss into a hot, deeply sensual kiss. Wrap your arms around him or her, hold them tightly and kiss like you mean it! This sends the message "you are mine!"

Earlobe Kiss - Not  everyone likes their ears messed with, but those who do would love to have their earlobes nibbled gently. Whisper a sweet nothing while your are there. Careful though, loud smacking kisses near the ear can really hurt!

Cold Kiss - Use and ice cube or mint to cool your mouth before you kiss. It provides an interesting sensation. If your partner is game it can be very sunsual to pass it between you with your tongue while you kiss.

Nuzzling Kiss - When things are heating up, leave a trail of gentle kisses down one side of your partner's neck and back up the other side. You'll be sure to send tingles through his or her body.

Show and Tell Kiss - Ask your partner to describe his or her favorite kiss, and then try to deliver it.

Upside-Down Kiss - Catch your partner laying down and approach him or her with your head opposite theirs for an interesting kissing sensation.

Almost Kiss - Bring your lips close together and see how long you can go without actually touching.

Take a Kissing Challenge

Kissing Challenge #1 - Makeout Session

See if you can spend ten minutes in a good old fashioned make-out session. Can you make it the full ten minutes with only kissing, nothing more? What you do after the ten minutes is up is totally up to you!

Kissing Challenge #2 - A Kiss to Remember All Day

I gave this idea as part of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. (You can get your copy here.)

When your husband leaves for work today (or some other opportune time) give him a kiss he’ll remember all day. Make it at least 10 or 15 seconds. Wrap your arms tightly around him and press your body into his. Your goal should be to see if you can make him dizzy. Later in the day, call him, text him or tell him in person that you have another kiss like that waiting for him. Make sure you follow up and give him that second kiss.

Husbands, you can do a modified form of this too!


My list of 10 ideas is only the tip of the iceberg. What fresh kissing ideas do you have to offer? Bring them on!

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I'm doing an updated poll of husbands and wives to find out what one thing they most need from their spouses. Please take 30 seconds and answer the relevant poll:

I know, I know. It's been over three weeks since I've posted here. Believe me, it hurts me more than it does you! I have a few posts in the works and hope to be back to a more regular writing schedule soon.


In the mean time, I have a guest post over at the Hope at Home blog this week.  Here's a teaser and a link to the rest...

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The longer you are married, the more important it is to keep pursuing each other.

I didn’t make much headway in February with my “True Love” series, so I’m starting afresh in March with another attribute of Christ’s love for us: His relentless pursuit.

What does Jesus’ relentless pursuit look like?

It looks like him leaving the perfection of heaven and coming to earth, humbling himself  to take on our human form. As if that weren’t pursuit enough, he went on to be cruelly killed on our behalf in order to make a way for us to dwell with him in intimacy forever.

Now that’s what I call pursuit!

And He did all this “while we were yet sinners,” even knowing that some would reject Him completely.

Pursuit that Never Ends

As if that still weren’t enough, we have this promise from Scripture:

For He, God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let you down (relax My hold on you)!

Hebrews 13:5b (AMP)

I love how emphatic the Amplified version is about God’s relentless pursuit, His absolute determination to stay connected with us and to be faithful to us – no matter what.

God is a lover – it’s who He is. His love is relentless, eternal, and unstoppable.

That’s how he wants love to be in marriage.

Relentless Pursuit in Marriage

I know it may sound a little odd to say that you have to still pursue your spouse regardless of how long you’ve been married. But the truth is, the longer you’ve been married, the more important it is to keep pursuing each other.

It’s so easy for us to slip into a kind of comfortable familiarity over time, and we begin to take the wonderful gift of our marriage for granted. That’s a death sentence for marriages!

Why is pursuit important in marriage? As I shared before, pursuit communicates four very important messages to your husband or wife:

1. Desire - Pursuit says “I want you.”
2. Commitment – Pursuit says “I would choose you all over again.”
3. Passion – Pursuit says “I want you bad enough to keep coming after you until I get you.”
4. Pleasure – pursuit says “I find delight in you.”

Funny, don’t these things sound like God's pursuit of us too?

If you want to read some specific suggestion on how you can continually pursue your spouse, read the post “Endless Pursuit” mentioned above.

Or you could always ask your partner, “What things can I do to make you feel pursued?” They may or may not know how to put it into words. Pursuit is not a concept most of us give a lot of thought to, but we know it when we see it.

What have you done in the past few weeks to make your partner feel pursued? What does your spouse do that makes you feel pursued?  Share your stories and experiences with a comment!


PS  In case you missed it, I started this series with “True Love Puts Relationship Ahead of Rules.”

Today I have a guest post over at the Hope at Home Blog, where my good friend Beth inspires and encourages adpotive families, with a heart to transform orphans into sons and daughters.

Here is the first part of that post:

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Do you scoff or cringe at the thought of Valentine’s Day? 

“Who has time and energy for romance? Certainly not me!”

I get it that life is crazy sometimes (okay, honestly, most times). There are always so many things bidding for our time, attention and energy.

Still, I implore you not to write off this season of your life as a romance free era. I know it’s tempting to think that there will be more time to focus on the intimacy in your marriage later on. But the truth is that later never comes. Trust me, I know.

My wife, Jenni, and I have been married more than 30 years, and still our crazy-busy life has a tendency to infringe on the time and effort we give to romancing each other. That is just the day and age we live in.

Romance on a Time and Energy Budget

The thing is, you can romance your spouse without a huge effort. In fact, I often say that little love expressions, done consistently, will have a bigger impact on your relationship than grandiose expressions done only once in a while...

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Read the rest of my post over at Hope at Home. It has lots of ideas for keeping romance alive even when romance seems impossible.

2016 Update: Intimate Connections now available in hardcopy!  Details Below.

Face it, a lot of husbands aren’t that great at conversation, much less deep and meaningful conversation.

That’s a problem for building intimacy in a marriage, because as I define it, intimacy comes from being fully known, yet completely loved. 

It’s the being known part that is hardest for most couples. It’s so hard to be “naked” without shame, isn’t? (If  you haven’t seen what I’ve written on this topic see this post.) We tend to hide our innermost feelings because we fear being judged for them.

Men are especially guilty of this (I know because I am one).  And in truth, a lot of the emotional disconnect with couples is because a lot of husbands just aren’t comfortable baring their souls.

So What’s a Couple To Do?

How can you build emotional intimacy when the husband isn’t that great at sharing his feelings or engaging in intimate conversations?

I’ve got a workbook called Intimate Connections. The idea for this came about from something I did for our 20 year anniversary (more than ten years ago now!).

It’s filled with great fill-in-the-blank conversation starters like “20 Places We’d Like to See,” “20 Ways Our Marriage is Great,” “20 Ways to Explore Each Other’s Bodies.” and “20 Dream Dates We Want to Have.”  Some of them you fill out together, others you fill out separately and compare notes.
Maybe you could incorporate a few of these questions into your Valentine’s Day plans. Order now and select expedited shipping at checkout to get it before February 14th.

Do you have some other questions that could be asked of the two of you to spark some intimate conversation?  I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments!

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Your husband is not nearly as romantically challenged as you think!
Have you long since given up on your husband in the romance department? Have you repeatedly suffered disappointing Valentine’s Days over the years? Have such things caused you to turn your attention on this holiday toward your kids instead of your husband? Or maybe you have altogether given up celebrating this day, passing if off as crassly commercialized.

I get it. Really, I do.

But it’s time to a take back Valentine’s Day.

Hallmark and FTD commercials notwithstanding, this day is really not about cards and flowers and chocolates (though for many of you that would probably be a step up).

No, this holiday is really about love, romantic love.

A Chance to Rekindle Romance

“But my husband is romantically inept,” I hear you saying.

It is probably true that many, if not most, husbands appear to their wives as somewhat challenged in the romance department. But I believe the problem isn’t romance per se. The problem is in the vast difference between what feels romantic to men as opposed to what feels romantic to women.

Yeah, it’s that ages-old differences thing again.

We men will try to give love and romance in the way we define it, as opposed to the way our wives do. When that doesn’t work (repeatedly, over years) we eventually conclude that we are romantically incapable, and we stop trying. Our wives sometimes contribute to this by either overtly stating it, or by their cool reactions to our ill-advised attempts at romance.

Rather than giving up on your man this Valentine’s Day, try to see it as is your chance to move things forward, romantically speaking, in your marriage.

Turn Around Your Expectations

Chances are if your husband has historically low marks in romance, he is not all of a sudden going to come up with a stunning Valentine’s Day plan. (That is, unless he happened to read my Man-Up Monday post this week.)

As hard as it is, I’m encouraging to re-focus your expectations from what you might get from your husband this year to what you can give him.

Switch your attention from trying to teach your husband how to romance you to instead trying to learn how to best romance him. 

You see, as I said, what feels romantic to you probably will not to him. You want his time and attention, a sense that you and your feelings matter, and to feel cared for. For him, those things probably will not do the trick.

Romance to him probably comes in completely different forms. Here are what I call the three A’s to romancing your husband:

• Admiration (of who he is) – Take a break from focusing on his inadequacies and shortcoming, and focus instead on his best qualities. Tell him WHY you love him. Believe with him in his dreams. Let him know that you see what’s inside of him, but also admire his physical appearance. He wants to know you are attracted to him.

• Appreciation (for what he’s done) – If your husband is like me, he thinks a lot about the balls that are dropping all around in his crazy life. Take a break from nagging him about what more he needs to be doing and instead thank him for what he is doing and has done. Genuine words of thanks do a lot more to spur him on than anything else.

• Affirmation (of his sexual nature) – You knew I’d get here eventually, didn’t you? Your husband wants you to affirm rather than shame or disregard him in this important area of your marriage. Understand that his desire for sex is actually a desire for intimacy with you. Don’t just tolerate his desires, but try to respond in kind. He wants to be wanted by you.

By asking you to focus on his romantic needs, I’m not telling you to settle for a husband who doesn’t know how to romance you the way you like. You should never give up on your desires for that. But I am saying that a man who is admired, appreciated and affirmed is much more likely to send a little romance back in your direction than a man who is starved for those things.

This Valentine’s Day think about how can incorporate the three A’s of husband-romance into it.

Do you have some specific suggestions for my readers on how they might show these things to their husbands? Leave a comment!

A little more than two weeks to go. Do you have a plan?

You know what I'm talking about.

Are you one of those husbands who gets a mild panic attack when he thinks about Valentine’s Day? Or maybe you have decided V-Day is nothing more than a creation of crass commercialism, which you are not going to buy into. Perhaps you leave the romance department to your wife.

Whatever your stance, I’m going to challenge you to do something different this year.

I’m challenging you to man up and make a plan for Valentine’s Day.

A Plan Says I Care About You and Us

You want to hear a secret when it comes to romancing your wife? Lean in, let me whisper it to you, so your wife won’t overhear.  It almost doesn’t matter what you do. That’s right, as long as it is clear to her that you put a lot into it and that you are excited about it, she will love it. No kidding.

Here’s why. When you put forth effort to romance your wife she will receive it as you pursuing her. And your wife loves to be pursued.

Also, she will see it as you leading in your relationship’s emotional intimacy department. And your wife loves it when you lead.

Finally, taking the time and effort to plan something special tells her you care about her and her needs and that you care about your marriage. And your wife loves to feel cared for.

No More Excuses

So if I’m right about the fact that you almost cannot fail, you have no more excuse not to step up and make a plan. You’ve got time.

Still not sure where to begin? Here are four basic steps to point you in the right direction:

1. Keep it secret - The element of surprise adds to the romantic effect
2. Make it multi-faceted – your plan should involve more than simply presenting her with a gift. Make it something you can spread out over at least several hours or even all day. It could even be something to be played out over weeks or months in steps.
3. Focus on her – one problem men have in planning romantic encounters is that they don’t separate sex and romance the way women do. What I’m saying is that your whole purpose should be to bring HER pleasure in the way SHE desires. Depending on your wife, that may or may not include overtly sexual expressions.
4. Show your heart – this can be hard one for many men, who don’t typically major on feelings and expressing them. If you want to really bless your wife, get past your discomfort and pour out your feelings about her.

If you include these four basic elements to your plan, it will be a tremendous hit. I promise.

A Little Inspiration

Still needing a little guidance? Here are some examples of some successful romantic encounters that I have planned out and performed for my wife. I have shared these here in the past, but here are the links for easy reference.

• Romantic Balloon Pop – A dozen surprises hidden inside a dozen balloons - great fun! 
• 100 Things I Love About You – This is a great one, and you don’t need to make it 100 if that is too daunting!
• Homemade Spa – A personally designed day of spoiling relaxation. Sure to be a hit! 
• Surprise Getaway – Kidnap your wife for a romantic getaway. My wife's description of one of the many times I've done this for her. 
• 14-Day Intimacy Challenge - Give your wife two weeks of intimacy – HER way. Do the challenge in the two weeks leading up to February 14th or the 14 days following.See the end of this post for details on how to get the challenge.

Alright guys! I've given you the reasons. I've given you key tips. I've given you examples. 

Now get out there and PLAN something!

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You can follow the daily links to do the Intimacy Challenge online on this page.   Or you can get a convenient pdf of the challenge for free via email when you sign up for my Pathways monthly intimacy newsletter. (Hurry, though, the February edition is coming out in just a few days with lots more romantic ideas!) Sign up on my blog  or right here: