Journey to Surrender

Simple (not easy) steps you can take today to prevent technology from stealing from your marriage.

Do you ever stop to think  how far technology has come just in the past few decades?  Just 20 years ago we didn't commonly carry cell phones. Smart phones didn't come onto the scene until about 10 years ago. What did we do before we had a GPS, music player, alarm clock, web browser, calendar, online games, texting and more right in our pockets and purses?

Technology has brought an amazing amount of convenience and efficiency to our lives, Along with all the benefits, if we aren't careful, technology can also bring some unintended consequences, especially where relationships are concerned.

My wife and I recently enjoyed a wonderful cruise, generously given to us and my wife's family by her parents as a way to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. One nice thing about a cruise is that it's much easier to be offline and disconnected from technology while you are floating in the middle of the ocean, which is what sparked my thinking about this post.

Watchfulness is the notion that we need to be attentive and tuned into our marriages, and it especially applies to technology, because it's so easy for our relationships to suffer at the hands of technology without us even being aware of it.

Here are five danger areas in which we should all be watchful and some simple steps to avoiding the potential pitfalls.

1. Lack of Real Conversation

Our family's monthly phone bill reveals what I think is probably typical of modern communication patterns: thousands of text messages, many gigabytes of data, and hardly any talk-time minutes.  Are we losing the art of genuine conversation? Is communication being reduced to whatever emoticons are available on our phones?

I'm not judging. My wife and I text and instant message during the day much more than we talk on the phone. It's often easier to connect that way due to our busy schedules. The danger is that there is a certain lack of intimacy in electronic communication. No eye contact. No tone. No touch. It's quick, it's efficient, but it isn't a substitute for genuine conversation.

No matter how much electronic communication you have throughout your day, make sure you set aside time each day for actual, genuine, one-on-one, in-person conversation.

2. Losing Focus on Your Spouse

My wife and I attended a "Marriage Game Show" during our cruise. One of the questions asked of the wives was, "First thing in the morning, what is the first thing your husband grabs for?"  Two of the three contestants answered "his phone." One older wife, who was married 44  years and ended up winning the contest, answered "me."  Her husband got the right answer.

You've no doubt seen "that couple" at a restaurant who barely interact with each other because they are staring at their phones all evening. Maybe sometimes you are that couple.  I understand the temptation and have given in to it too many times myself, but lets all agree not to be that couple.

I've seen varying statistics, but one source states that the average phone user checks his or her phone somewhere between 35 and 74 times per day, depending on age group, with younger people checking most frequently. I've also seen a 2013 study with figures as high as 150 times per day.

Maybe you notice what my wife and I notice: online connections tend to break our actual connection. It's like inviting a third (or fourth or fifth) party into your time together. 

If you really have to check on something important, be sure to explain to  your spouse what is so urgent (and make sure that it actually is) and ask for their permission to do so. Something like, "Do you mind if I quick check for a text from Liz?  I'm waiting to hear back from her about our breakfast appointment tomorrow." This would be better than just picking up your phone in mid-conversation and texting Liz. If the text from Liz is what matters, don't slip in a quick peek at Facebook and Instagram while you are at it.

When it comes to your time with your spouse, strive to practice self-control and focus. To the extent possible, when you are spending time together, keep your focus and your hands off your devices and on each other. It might be worth a conversation about device boundaries and limits during your time together, so that you have a common understanding of the ground rules.

3.   Too Little Time for What Matters

One study found that the average person spends 23 days a year on his or her phone. That equates to 90 minutes a day. I wouldn't be so concerned if actually talking on the phone didn't rank sixth in time spent per day. Surfing the web ranked first, followed by using phone apps.

Time is a precious commodity, and seems to become more precious as our lives become more and more hectic. Ask yourself if you really need to spend as much time as you do on your phone or tablet.

I honestly need to look for more ways to limit device time, but it is difficult. My whole life is digital and available on my devices: to-do lists, multiple calendars, bill paying, and note-keeping for my blog, in addition to the usual personal and marriage ministry related social media accounts. I took a game app off of my phone and relegated it to my tablet so that I wouldn't spend as much time playing it. Truthfully, although it helped, I still waste too much time with it.

While I've purposefully tried to limit device time during our cruise vacation, I confess that right now I'm sitting in our stateroom working on this post while the rest of my extended family are relaxing and enjoying our last day on-board. The pressure of not having posted but one time this month finally overtook me today. So this admittedly a pot/kettle situation.

One way to appropriately limit device time is to set some helpful ground rules as a couple. For example, no phones during dinner or in bed or after a certain time of night. An easy one might be to have no phones before a good morning kiss. Talk about it with your spouse, and explore what works for you.

4. On the Job 24/7

In today's world of constant electronic communication, it's easy to constantly carry our job with us wherever we go. Our jobs typically occupy more than just our time; they also tend to occupy a lot of our mental and emotional space as well.

For the first time since I can remember, I've not checked my work email while on vacation. It's both wonderful and terrifying as I watch the number of unread emails climb up over 200. I used to use the excuse that if I didn't check work email during vacation, I would have to just quit my job and not return to work. The pile up would be too much. However, as of this writing I'm still planning to report for work on Monday.

There is a cost for leaving your work at your place of employment. For many of us, our identity is hugely wrapped up in our jobs and our career success. Sadly, it seems to be all too common that marriages take a back seat to careers in terms of time and attention.

It's not reasonable to expect that you should never work late or never check your work email on weekends or evenings, but it would be a really good idea, as with the other technology invaders in this list, to talk to your spouse about how to set healthy boundaries that keep your marriage in the right priority.

5. Inappropriate Content

The devices we have in our pockets and on our desktops give us instant access to the world. That means it's easier than ever today to have access to stuff that we ought to avoid.

I'm encouraged to see that even secular relationship experts are beginning to talk about the dangers of porn and the damage it inflicts on relationships. In addition to pornographic content, our digital devices also make it super-easy to establish or re-establish inappropriate or hidden relationships with people of the opposite sex.

When it comes to inappropriate use of our devices, let me just say: don't do it!

One of the most effective strategies to prevent such things from inflicting damage on your marriage is to have total openness when it comes to electronic devices. Freely share passwords with each other to phones and social media accounts.


Technology has advanced at a stunning rate in the past few decades. As great as these advances have been, we need to remain vigilant to the potential pitfalls and collateral damage that can accompany technology.

What is one small change you could make this week to keep your digital life from negatively impacting your marriage? Have some thoughts to share? Leave a comment.

A warm welcome to all the new subscribers who signed up through my "Warm Winter Date Night" giveaway. Congratulations to Krista on winning the contest - I'll be contacting you shortly.

To the rest of you, I hope you'll stick around. I hope you'll be a regular reader (and commenter) here on Journey to Surrender. Most of all, I hope your marriage will be blessed and strengthened by what I share.

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As I mentioned in my last post about the giveaway, I'm launching into a new series this month: Date Night.

I'm sure you've seen lists like this before.
You've read them, and thought "yeah, we really need to do that." Then you went on with your Iife and forgot all about it.

I get it. Life crashes in, and thoughts of date night fade into the distance. It's too hard to do it with any consistency, and there are too many reasons it just doesn't seem possible right now. Maybe someday. Maybe someday when the kids are older. Maybe someday when work isn't so demanding. Maybe someday when I'm not so tired. Maybe someday when we have more money.

The problem with waiting for "someday" is that someday never comes. There will always be reasons that continuing to date each other is difficult, no matter the season of life you find yourself in.

Whether you've been married 4 months or 40 years, you need to keep dating for all the reasons listed in the infographic above and more.

You probably already know that. The question is what are you going to do about it? Now?

Make a Plan for 2016

I'm not a big believer in New Years resolutions. I am, however, a big believer in making a plan to accomplish a goal, especially when that goal has to do with your marriage.

I'm going to be sharing some results from my recent Date Night poll in the coming posts, along with Date Night ideas, and additional encouragement as to why this is so important.

I'll share here the first few Date Night poll results (more to come in future posts). In my survey, 47% of respondents were either somewhat or very unhappy about the frequency of their dates. Only 10% were very happy. Clearly there is a lot of room for improvement in most marriages - probably in yours too. You are not alone!

Here's what people said were the biggest impediments to having more regular date nights.
Busyness was clearly the number one enemy of date nights, followed closely by having not enough money or enough energy to make it happen. A significant majority reported one of these as among their top obstacles.

It's easy to say, and less easy to do, but these really come down to managing your priorities. Bottom line: these marriages are getting leftovers, and most of the time there aren't any.

So as you set plans and goals in place for 2016, sit down with your spouse and talk about what is keeping you from more frequent and regular date nights. Identify your top few obstacles, and then brainstorm options for overcoming them. What are you willing to say "no" to, in order that you can say "yes" to a better, more intimate, more passionate marriage?

Make specific plans for who is going to do what differently in order to make a way for dates to happen more consistently.

Make a Plan for January

Let's start with baby steps, and just look at what's left of this month.

Get out your January calendars, and set aside at least 2 or 3 dates in the coming weeks for dates. You don't have decide right now what you are going to do (that's for my next post), but decide who will be in charge of making the plans, whether you take turns, plan together, or one person does it all.

Whoever it is that is designated as the date planner, hold each other accountable. It's okay to ask, a week or so out, whether the plans are all set. Don't be tempted to say, "Well, if he/she really cared, I wouldn't have to remind him/her." Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Better to say, "I'm really looking forward to our date on Friday. Can you clue me in on your plans? Or is it going to be a surprise?"

What is the biggest obstacle for you and your spouse when it comes to having more dates? What do you think can be done to overcome it? Leave a comment.


Next Time:  "I Don't Know, What Do You Want to Do?"

Moving forward in financial oneness means getting real and valuing each other's perspectives.

In many marriages financial styles and perspectives differ between spouses. One might be a spender and another a saver. One might place a high value on "stuff" while the other might not care about keeping up with the Jones's. One might want to spend on hobbies or a second home, but the other may see travel as a higher priority.

As I said in my last post, 4 Reasons You Need Financial Intimacy, money and sex are actually pretty closely related to each other. Sexually speaking, differences such as drive levels, interest in exploration, best times of day and preference for different activities can all be places for misunderstanding and hurt. The truth is that most spouses are unevenly matched when it comes to sex. For example, in my recent sexual satisfaction survey, only 9% of individuals felt that their sex drive was about evenly matched with their spouse.

Although the factors that cause sexual strife are not the same as those involved in financial discord, such differences tend to be where the strife shows up. Regardless, just like with sex, differences over money are no reason to forgo financial intimacy.

Wherever your marriage is in the financial arena, it may be time to take a fresh look at this area together. And "together" is hugely important if you want to improve intimacy.

1) Come Clean

Intimacy, regardless of whether it is physical, emotional or financial, starts with being fully known. That means both of you getting real with where you are about money.

The starting point for this is to confess any secrets such as spending, hidden accounts or any deceptions. Whatever comes out, find room in your heart to forgive one another. Holding past mistakes over each other's heads will prevent you from moving closer together. As difficult as it might be to believe in the midst of what might feel like betrayal, grace is the best invitation to intimacy. On the other hand shame and guilt will drive you apart.

The next step is to be honest with each other about where you are financially. Share areas of concern and stress. Talk honestly about your different styles in handing money. Check your communication effectiveness where money is concerned. Are you okay with which of you does the bulk of the money management? Are both of you sufficiently involved?

As you talk, do your best to listen and not react defensively to each other's feelings. Acknowledge that many differences over money don't amount to right and wrong (the exception beings any secrets), but to a difference in perspectives.

2) Dream a Little

With all the cards on the table, talk about your hopes and dreams for the future. Then consider together what kind of financial framework will be required to reach those goals.

Is early retirement a goal?  One spouse staying home with the kids? College plans for the kids? Travel? A first (or second) home? Vacations? All of these goals require that you have matching financial goals to attain them.

And to go along with the goals you need to...

3) Make a Plan

All financial planning revolves around making (and keeping) a budget. As Dave Ramsey says, "Give each dollar a name." For some people the budgeting process will feel like nails on a chalkboard. For some having a budget will alleviate a lot of stress and uncertainty over money.

The most important thing about the budgeting process is that you both have input and buy-in. Regardless of whether one partner is more involved with managing the money and bills, you need to be in complete agreement on the budget. If you need some help here, Dave Ramsey has some great tools for budgeting.

Here's a little personal story that might help the reluctant spouse with the idea of making and keeping a budget. We have been budgeting since very early in our marriage. But Jenni has not always had a strong conviction about keeping track of expenses. It was just another thing on her list to get done. During a communication workshop we had the opportunity to discuss our feelings over finances.  As I shared my perspective, she came to understand that doing better in this area would actually significantly reduce my overall stress. She realized that it would actually be helping me personally and not just taking care of something on her list. It wasn't just about the budget per se, but about a way to help me out.  It gave her the motivation to be more consistent.

4) Check in Regularly

Effective budgeting is something that requires monitoring. Sit down together at the end of each month, and maybe half way through, to gauge how it's going. Look for areas where spending is off plan (and there are always those areas).  See where you need to modify your budget or spending or make other adjustments.

Track your progress toward saving goals as well. If you have investments, it's a good idea to review those regularly. This is an opportunity for the more involved spouse to bring the less-involved spouse up to speed with your financial situation.


These four steps are simple, but not necessarily easy. It will require diligence, honesty, and most of all, grace. Remember that your relationship and your desire for intimacy come before your bank balance or your ability to stay on-budget.  Honor each other and value your differing perspectives.

Do you have some other ideas that would promote financial Intimacy in marriage?  Leave a comment.

The strongest marriages are those that are lived in community.

My lovely wife and I are leading another marriage small group at our church. We purposefully targeted this particular session to be for those who are in or approaching their "empty nest" years, and we have a great group of couples who will be looking at the question, "What's next for our marriage in the season ahead?"

This is the fifth time we have led this same 12-week marriage curriculum, but each time has been totally unique because of there have been different marriages involved in each group. Each couple brought their unique history, perspective, insights and yes, problems, to our group. In addition to our current group of seasoned marriages, we've had a group of mostly newly-marrieds and several groups that spanned multiple life stages.

We've had a great deal of fun digging into what God has to say about marriage in His Word and applying it practically.

Marriage is Best Done in Community

In many ways, marriage is a very private affair. No one else can or needs to know the depths of any couple's relationship. Much of your relationship will remain just between the two of you.

Yet, I do believe that marriages benefit greatly when couples choose to place themselves in community. And I'm not talking about men's groups and women's groups, which have their place. I'm talking about making a habit of engaging with other married couples as a couple.

The sad truth is that many, if not most, churches don't have an official marriage ministry. But even if that is true in your church, there is nothing to stop you from getting together with other couples whose marriages you admire.

Finding Other Couples

Good, strong marriages are usually not that hard to spot. I'd suggest you start in your church. Look around for couples who show honor to one another, who support one another. Watch for those couples who speak to each other with admiration and respect. Watch how they look at each other.

Trust me, you'll be able to discern pretty quickly which marriages are filled with intimacy and passion and which ones are not.

Should you pick couples who are a little older and more experienced? Or should you get with others who are in a similar life stage to your own? There are good reasons to do both. It depends on what you hope to gain from the relationship. If you are wanting more of a mentoring relationship, look for a seasoned marriage. If you are wanting to develop mutual long term friendships, look for couples near your own age.

Anything you do to build your marriage is a great step forward.

Get Real

Regardless of whether you join a regular marriage group or just get together with another couple or two once in a while, you'll gain the most benefit by being honest about your marriage, the good and the not so good. This kind of vulnerability requires that you develop a certain level of trust.

I would suggest that you, your spouse and your new couple friends agree to a few ground rules in discussing your marriage:

• Agree with your spouse ahead of time about what is okay to discuss with others.
• Have a firm understanding of confidentiality. What is shared among you stays among you.
• Invite the other couple(s) to speak into your marriage. They will be for forthright if they are given formal permission to do so.
• Acknowledge that it is okay if you are not in agreement about everything, but agree to disagree respectfully and with honor.

Regardless of how you choose to go about it, be purposeful in seeking out a strong, marriage-positive community in which to live out your marriage. You'll be glad you did.


Now it's your turn. Do you have any advice to share with couples looking to grow their marriage in community? What have you and your spouse experienced along this line? Does your church have a marriage ministry? Have you participated? What benefits have you seen in your marriage from rubbing shoulders with other married couples? Leave a comment.

You can't meet all your spouse's needs. And you shouldn't try.

I've been doing a poll for a few weeks on the primary needs of husbands and wives. (Wives can still take this poll and husbands can still take this one for a few more days.) Reviewing the answers to the poll got me thinking about the many kinds of needs we humans have.

I write a lot about the importance of meeting each other's needs in marriage. Yes indeed, husbands and wives should be attentive to each other's needs in order for a relationship to be healthy and enduring.

But there is a big difference between seeing to it that all their needs are being met and personally trying to be the one to meet them all!

Trying to meet all your spouse's needs yourself is a formula for guaranteed failure. Don't set yourself up to fail! Not only is it not healthy for you to try to do it all, it's not healthy for your spouse either. An emotionally healthy person has needs that will be met from a number of difference sources.


Needs Met By You

There are a set of needs that can and should only come from you. Sex is a primary one. In fact it's one of the only needs your spouse has where it would be a outright sin for that need to be met by anyone else but you. Hopefully that gives you a clue as to its importance.

There are also needs where you should be the principle need-meeter. For example, being a partner in parenting. They are your kids too, and even if your spouse takes the lead in this area, I believe both of you should be highly involved in your kids' lives. Each of you brings something to the parenting equation.

Then there are those needs like the ones being expressed in my poll. Try to figure out what it is your husband or wife most needs to get from you, and do your best to provide it on a consistent basis. Tops on the list are things like intimacy, respect, trust, sex, feeling cared for and security/safety. Find out what it is and do it.

Needs Met by Friends

Everyone needs relationships outside of the one they enjoy with their spouse. Depending on their personality, it may be just a few acquaintances, or it may be many close friends.

Friends help broaden your perspectives, provide companionship, fun and advice, and they can be a source of accountability. Church friends, work friends, neighborhood friends, long distance past friends all help meet the relational needs of your spouse.

Being attentive to your spouse's friendship needs means encouraging healthy relationships and discouraging damaging ones. Again, there is no "right" number of friendship, but be watchful. Don't allow friends suck the life from your spouse, and see to it that, on balance, they are getting as much as they are giving in their relationships.

Needs Met by Outside Interests

Everyone needs something to pour themselves into. Something, that is, besides their marriage and family, as important as those are.

Does your spouse make time for their favorite hobbies? Can you help them make time? Is there a cause that he or she feels strongly about that would be rewarding to be involved in? Are they called to a particular kind of ministry in the church? Do they have particular career goals? Are there sports activities they love?

While you can't and shouldn't try to control these outside interests, you can be encouraging and supportive to your spouse's involvement in these things. Maybe you can be their cheerleader or coach. As it is with friends, maybe you can help them make time for the things that feed their soul.

Needs Met by God

I strongly believe your spouse should be your highest priority earthly relationship (including above your children), but there is one other relationship that should come even before you: God.

Again, you cannot dictate your spouse's relationship with God nor should you try. But you can be a source of encouragement and spiritual support to your spouse. A healthy spiritual walk includes things like worship, prayer, Bible reading, etc., but truthfully, the most important thing, and the thing that God wants most, is intimacy with us - a close, daily, personal relationship. The best spiritual encouragement you can give to your spouse is simply to live your life in God. Let him be a natural, integrated part of everything you do.

Side note: when you try to be the one to meet all your spouse's needs, you are essentially trying to be their god, their all-in-all, their everything.

It is certainly important for you to work at meeting the needs of your spouse for which you have primary responsibility. But that doesn't include every need they have?

What has been your experience at trying to meet your spouse's needs? How are you doing at finding the balance? Are you trying to play God? Are you being appropriately attentive? Are you encouraging and supportive about them getting some of their needs met outside of your marriage?

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Related Posts: 

• Own Your Own Happiness
• His Needs, Her Needs, Your Needs

• If you think your marriage is mostly about raising children, then your relationship as husband and wife will generally take a back seat to your roles as father and mother.
• If you think your marriage is mostly for the sake of your own personal happiness, then chances are you hold your spouse responsible for making you happy.
• If you think your marriage is to help each other fulfill your destiny in Christ, then God probably takes a central role in your marriage.

It's true that keeping your marriage headed consistently in the right direction can be challenging. The good news is that you can help make sure your relationship stays on course by employing three essential tools for marital navigation.

I’ve covered two of these tools already in previous posts:

• In Part 1, Watchfulness, I explained why it is hugely important to pay close attention to your marriage.
• In Part 2, Transparency, I posed that the level of intimacy in your marriage will be capped by the degree of transparency you share.

The third and final component of what I am referring to as the “GPS system for your marriage” is Accountability.


The first dimension of accountability is in your personal relationship with Jesus. While I’m dead set against the notion that we can “earn” God’s favor by jumping through spiritual hoops, I do believe that the level of intimacy a husband and wife personally share with Jesus individually directly influences the intimacy level in their marriage.Your spiritual walk is the foundation of your marriage - keep it strong.

The second degree of accountability is for husband and wife to be accountable to one another. This basically involves being answerable to each other for your actions and attitudes. In the partnership that is a surrendered marriage, transparency and watchfulness work together to enable accountability. As you pursue together the kind of marriage you want to have, it is good and right to speak lovingly to each other of what your marriage can be. This is absolutely NOT an invitation to nit-pick each other to death or to keep score on each other. Rather, in an open and honoring atmosphere, it's about helping each to love the other well.

The third and final area of accountability is accountability with other couples. Link up with a few other couples whose marriages you admire and spend time together. Give them permission to speak into your marriage. As your marriage matures, be willing to mentor other couples in their marriage journey.


I think accountability has gotten a bit of a bad rap. And the reason so many view it negatively is because it’s often tended toward the “someone looking over your shoulder, waiting for you to screw up so they can smack you back in line” kind of thing. That’s not at all how I view accountability. The problem with this kind of sin-focused accountability is that it focuses almost entirely on the negative. By its nature it draws us toward looking in the wrong direction – at sin.

I like to think instead in terms of grace-focused accountability. By that I mean rather than being held accountable against the negative, let’s hold each other accountable toward the positive. In a surrendered marriage, we hold Jesus up as the standard and focus on becoming more like him. It naturally keeps our focus in the right direction – on Jesus.

So rather than thinking of accountability as a weapon to be used against you (or for you to use against your spouse), think of it as a tool to help you transform your way of living to be more Christ-like: full of life and truth, full of selfless love, full of trust and joy and peace.

When you think of accountability, think relationship instead of rules.

It’s time for you to chime in. What are some positive, grace-based ways that you and your spouse have found to hold each other accountable in your marriage? Do you have a mentor couple? Are you acting as one?


Further Reading:

Erin at Mystery32 has a great post on the importance of community in supporting and strengthening marriages entitled Don’t Do it Alone! . Check it out!

Did you know that Journey to Surrender now has a Facebook page! It’s got lots of extra  marriage-related stuff like videos, links, news stories, and conversations not found on my blog. Come on over and let’s meet up!