Journey to Surrender

[Wives Only Wednesday]

When you lean into your husband's desires, rather than resist them, you can rediscover God's amazing gift of sex.
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I'm pleased to present part two of my wife's previous Wives Only Wednesday post. Today, "As you wish" moves to the bedroom.

This is also first up in my series The Gift of Sex. If you missed my post setting up the series, go back and check it out.

I'll remind you that my wife originally shared this message with a group of women in the "empty nest" stage of life, but the truths here apply to marriages at any life stage.

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In Part 1 of this post I pointed out that when you say "As you wish" to your husband you are actually saying "I love you." [Tweet This]

Last week we saw how your "As you wish" translates into respect, which a key need for most husbands. Not surprisingly, the other key need, as reported by husbands in our recent survey, is the need for a satisfying sex life.

While most women can give mental and experiential agreement to this wish for sex, more sex, variety in sex..., I'm not sure we really get it. That's why this quote from Paul Byerly, written on his X-Y Code blog, is so helpful:

For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.

When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.

I'd also like to share this important "As you wish" Scripture passage:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together gain so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NLT)

Now don’t freak out Ladies! We can give the gift of "As you wish" in the bedroom (or anyplace he may wish), but you are the one to decide how far this gift goes. I don't know about you, but for me when I feel like I have to do something, it affects my mood, and it actually makes it difficult for me to want sex. But I have discovered that if I will lean into my husband’s desires rather than fight against or avoid them, I actually have an amazing time!! I find the truth is that great sex is important for me too!

Also, for empty-nesters it's important to realize that older men who want sex are not dirty old men, they are just being men!  This chemistry inside of them is involuntary, and it was GOD who made them that way! It is not fair to shame your husband for something God-given and good.  This is God’s idea and His plan, not just for our husbands, but for us and our marriages.

(I realize that in 15-20% of marriages, it is the wife who is the higher drive spouse, so your "As you wish" may need to be expressed in other ways. See my "As you wish" list at the end of this post.)

Sex Still Matters

As men age, their drive may appear to lessen, but in reality that drive is still chemically in him.  It may take more than a thought or visual stimulation at this point, so their desire/drive may not be as obvious to you. The arousal is still there, but they may need more physical stimuli than when they were younger, and frequency may change, but remember, you are changing too!

If you are dealing with tiredness, change up the times of day that you come together. After all, you have an empty nest! Take advantage of it! Before or after dinner are great times, and it allows you to unwind for the rest of the evening. Mornings can work too!

If you are dealing with dryness and/or hot flashes or other physical issues, I encourage you to talk to your gynecologist. Research is constantly changing and there are ways to help with the symptoms you may be experiencing. KY Jelly may no longer be the lubricant of choice as it’s properties don’t address the kind of dryness that accompanies menopause or help with painful intercourse.  I prefer Poise and have friends that rave about coconut oil. Care enough to research it, and be willing to try different options.

As far as the changes in your libido go, I have found that regardless of age, having sex makes me want to have sex.  If I watch my energy level and get enough sleep, I find that I can think sex and my desire goes up with my thoughts. Remind yourself that sex is good and desirable and so are our husbands. Don't believe the misconception that says that if you are a powerful woman, you don't need sex.

Regardless of your age or previous sexual struggles, don't ever decide that sex is over.  Sex can always begin again; it is never too late.

As You Wish Ideas

So think about how you can give your husband the gift of "As you wish" for Christmas this year, whether it in the bedroom or in the other areas of your marriage. Here are a few ideas to prompt your thinking:

• Use the phrase “As you wish” at least once a day.
• Find a way to express and say to your husband, “You are my hero”
• Change your tone
• Make a celebration list of 5 things you love about your husband.  This is for you not him.  As you look at this list your heart will soften towards him.
• Add something new in your sex life, perhaps this will be having sex!!
• Try texting!  You can be as casual as “I am thinking of you”  to using a private communication app like Couple or Avocado.
• Fight your urge to nag.  Don’t do it!
• Let it go, even though you have a RIGHT to whatever it is
• Ask your husband, “What says I Love You to you?”
• Plan a surprise that is obviously as HE wishes rather than you
• Other opportunities to express “As You Wish:” What’s for dinner, which restaurant, control of the remote, which movie, how you spend your time, which route to drive, your outfit, your hair style, your perfume, how the money is spent.

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With this post, you have your first opportunity to give your spouse and your marriage The Gift of Sex.

If you tend to think of sex in terms of "If I must," work on adjusting your thinking to be more in line with "As you wish." Such a change in mindset can transform sex from a duty to a delight!

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My current poll, "Who Owns My Body," asks some questions around the verses of the Bible quoted above (1 Cor 7:3-5). If you haven't yet, it's not too late to take the survey now.

When you say "As you wish," what you are really saying is "I love you."

I'm excited to share with you a guest post by my lovely wife, Jenni.

Although the post is mostly slanted toward wives in the "empty nest" stage of marriage, the insights she shares can be applied to any life stage.

Don't forget to come back next week for part two of this fabulous Wives Only Wednesday post!

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by Jenni Means

I recently had the privilege of speaking for a group of fellow empty-nester wives on the subject of marriage.  Not only am I an empty-nester wife, but I am also a movie buff (especially old ones!)  So to kick off our evening I showed the following clip from a classic, The Princess Bride.


Can't see the video?  Click here.

In this great opening scene we discover that “As you wish” actually is another way of saying “I love you!”

This is a gift that we can give our husbands at any stage of our marriage, but I suggest it is increasingly important in the later years.

In keeping with the Bridal Paradigm our husbands are doing their best to love us sacrificially, laying down their lives for us.  We are endeavoring to love them by allowing them to lead us in this surrendered love lifestyle. We look to Jesus as our example for what love looks like, “Not my will, but Yours be done” or in other words, “As You Wish”.

Choosing "As You Wish"

“As You Wish” can’t be an obligation, or a duty.  For it to mean “I Love You” it must be a choice, a gift.  It says you matter to me and I am willing to put your wants above my own.

• It is sacrificial.
• It is respect.
• It will probably often involve sex. (Or sex often, teehee!)
• It is not about “rights”
• It is a gift you and you alone can give your spouse.

It is awesome when our husbands lead in giving the gift of “As You Wish” and it sure makes it easier for us to also give when this is the case.  But I want to challenge you to not focus on what isn’t.  We can’t control anyone but ourselves, no matter how hard we try.

Giving the gift of “As You Wish” makes you powerful.  It is you making a choice and carrying it out. You are choosing to love as you would like to be loved and as you are loved by God.
Fighting for our own way isn’t worth it. It’s not even enjoyable when we “win” that battle. And you don’t want things to be even. Such a win-lose view makes no sense because you and your husband are one!

My wonderful husband has posted before on the statistics of what our husbands say they need most from their wives. The chart below shows the things that husbands say they need most from their wives.  (The dark blue bars show the percent of  husbands who chose each as their top need. The pink bars represent the percentage of wives who chose that same need as most important.  Click the chart to enlarge it.)
One of the top two needs, sex, is no surprise.  But I find that over and over again wives are surprised about the great importance respect is to our men, and they are equally surprised by what that looks like.

This week we'll take a closer look at one of the top two needs of husbands: respect.

Respect

As we enter the second half of our lives, I believe that respect becomes increasingly important to our husbands. Chances are they are not going to be the young hot shot at work. No matter how great they are at keeping up with technology there’s a good chance a younger person will surpass them in some areas. They are not dinosaurs but a gold mine of experience, and they need us, their wives, to reflect their value and awesomeness back at them.

They can’t make themselves young again, but they still need to feel like a hero, our hero. Age does not change our feelings for them. They are still our hot shot and hero.  We see them as they really are and let them know with our words.

As our husbands age, they need more respect than usual, and usual is more than you think!

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When you give your husband the gift of "As you wish," you are saying that you respect his preferences and honor his wishes. It also communicates your trust and your confidence that he will choose wisely. It says to him that you believe in his leadership.

Yes, "As you wish" shows your man the respect he needs.

Next week Jenni will be back with part two of this post: The Gift of As You Wish in the Bedroom. Don't miss it!

Meanwhile, if you have communicated respect to your husband with an "As you wish, " we'd love to hear about it. Share it in a comment.

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Related Post: From Shiela Gregoire - Why It Can Be Hard to Respect Your Husband

It's Freebie Friday!! See the end of this post for details!

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Guest Post by Sara Horn


Every marriage is different. But there are many similarities too. That’s why I sometimes have to smile when I’m talking with a wife who’s heard about my biblical submission experiment when I sent a year intentionally studying and living out what the Bible says about submission and applying it to my marriage.

I smile because there’s usually one of two common responses. The first wife will usually raise her eyebrows, physically step back (just in case this submission thing is catching) and say something like, “Well, that’s good for you but I could never do that.”

The second wife will also raise her eyebrows, but then she will step in closer and whisper (just in case anyone might hear), “Tell me more. I’m not sure I can do it, but I would really like to try.”

A Transformed Mind

I relate to both of those women. This summer, my husband Cliff and I will celebrate 16 years of life together. For the large majority of that time, I wanted nothing to do with “that submission thing.” Those verses in the New Testament where Paul talks about wives submitting to their husbands – some seriously out of date ideas, right? As an independent, strong woman, I had no desire to be a second fiddle, even to someone as caring and sweet as my Cliff.

We were partners, we did life 50/50, there was no need for this Follow the Leader marriage stuff. Besides, Cliff and I both recognized how different our personalities were – mine, Type A, his, Type B. God gave me leadership abilities so didn’t that also include my marriage?

These were the kind of thoughts I lived by until just a few years ago, when God really started to pull me deeper into not just reading His Word, but studying His Word. No longer was I just skimming – I hungrily wanted to apply it. I deeply desired to do what Romans 12:2 talks about – I didn’t want to conform to what the world says is right, but I flat out wanted to see my life transformed by God renewing, or changing, my mind to think His thoughts instead of being content with just my own. To see His plan over mine. To follow through with His will instead of giving into my choices and my wants. My marriage seemed to be where He wanted to start first.

After going through a year of applying some of the principles we find in Proverbs 31, and learning some life-changing lessons that changed my marriage and our family life in powerful ways, I knew it was time to face that word I’d ignored for so long.

Submission

Ephesians 5:22 reads, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord…” I like how the Message translation words it – “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.”

Of course, this isn’t easy. This isn’t a natural action for most of us – to put someone else first, or to consider his or her feelings or thoughts before our own. Not consistently. Not constantly. Maybe if we’re having a good day. Until we’re not.

Culture doesn’t help. To someone who doesn’t have a relationship with the Lord, or view the Bible as an authority, this concept sounds ridiculous. Even in our churches, we hesitate to bring the subject up – this isn’t exactly the topic of discussion most want to bring up in your small groups on Sunday mornings. Even pastors who are brave enough to preach about it from the pulpit can spend weeks afterwards recovering from the emails, letters and angry conversations their congregants or parishioners corner them with in the halls between services. How chauvinistic. How anti-woman. Right?

But biblical submission is talked about in the Bible and I believe that all Scripture is inspired by God and can be used, as 2 Timothy 3:16-17 points out, to teach us and correct us and inspire us for righteousness. So surely, there’s a lesson, an important truth we need to know and put into practice when it comes to biblical submission.

The Experiment

That’s what led me to the “experiment.” I call it an experiment because that word seems a little less permanent. What I found during that year were some pretty amazing changes in my life and ultimately in my marriage, and the biggest surprise of all were the changes that occurred in my husband –and not just in me.

Early on during that year, I realized my husband had questions and uncertainties about his role as a husband and a dad just as I did with being a wife and mom – I was just more vocal about it. (Yes, that’s the nice way of putting it.) Just like me, there were things he still needed to learn, but quite often, I made it all about me (except for the times I was pointing out what he wasn’t doing that I wished he would).

Some things needed to change if we were to apply biblical submission to our marriage. I began intentionally stepping back from always having the first opinion, or always being the first one to make a decision. I waited (not always an easy thing to do). I showed (most of the time) some patience as he might think over a decision we needed to make, and I resisted the urge to decide on my timetable instead of his. I asked more questions instead of rushing to decide something. I looked for ways to be a helper to him instead of a hounder – as in hounding him to do, say and be what I thought he should.

What I noticed after a little while of doing this is that we made better decisions together, and we were often more on the same page than not. We weren’t making decisions where one person had a very definite opinion (usually me) and the other person just went along (usually him). We talked more things out and came to common resolutions more often.

For his part, Cliff began actively leading our family more. He didn’t just leave things to me that he didn’t want to do. He also listened to my opinions more carefully, weighing them with his to make more informed and hopefully better decisions. I think he felt a lot more freedom to do that when I stepped back and wasn’t so eager to be the one to call the shots.

Love His Way

Biblical submission isn’t easy, but it’s also not impossible. It’s not an overnight event. First and foremost, it starts with a willingness to obey God. Romans 8:28 has been my life verse for many, many years and can also apply to marriage. “And we know, that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” When I show love towards my husband as an act of love towards my Heavenly Father, I know He works for my good. When I show love towards my husband the way God shows love towards me, I love His way.

If you’re a wife, struggling to figure out what biblical submission looks like, don’t start with your husband. Start with your submission to God first. And if you’re a husband, wishing your wife would be more submissive? Don’t start with your wife. Start with your own obedience to God. There is an incredibly strong connection between the two.

Sara Horn is a wife, a mom and the author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife, the sequel to My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife. She’s also the founder and president of Wives of Faith, a military wives ministry (wivesoffaith.org). Visit her at sarahorn.com, where you can subscribe to her blog and get a free download of her "30 Days to Love HIS Way" devotional.

(Click on the book to buy through my Amazon affiliate link and support this ministry)

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I'm giving away a copy of Sara's excellent book via Raffelcopter. There are a bunch of ways to increase your chance of being selected at random. Note that you can tweet about the giveaway once each day during the contest. If you win, you can choose either Kindle or paperback edition.

If you are reading this by email, you'll need to click on over to my blog to enter.

Win Sara Horn's Book

Who wouldn't want a little perfected lovemaking in their marriage?

Today I am pleased to have Julie Sibert posting about one of the many important topics  from the book she co-authored, Pursuit of Passion. Read on to find out more about what "perfected lovemaking" is and what it means for your marriage.

I'm also pleased to start a regular tradition I'm calling "Friday Freebies." This year, I'll be periodically doing giveaways (on Fridays, as the name indicates) featuring great resources and tools for your marriage.

See the end of Julie's post for today's giveaway details. My thanks to her for providing our first Friday Freebie.

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By Julie Sibert

“The camera never lies.”

Movie directors ride our dollars all the way to the bank on that one little phrase, especially when it comes to romantic dramas.  Who among us doesn’t love a good love story?

Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl go through angst.  Boy and girl find their way back to each other.

Happily. Ever. After.

In many of those romantic dramas, there are sometimes a few sex scenes thrown in as well.  Often, they are not even overtly sexual.  They discretely and flawlessly convey passion, love and pleasure, relying on the viewer’s imagination to fill in the blanks.

We are left with this idea of love perfectly played out in a physical way. Yes, that is what the movies often tell us about sex.

And then, of course, there’s what mama tells you about sex.  Or doesn’t tell you, depending on how your upbringing unfolded. Each of us could offer up a different version of the messages our parents conveyed to us about sex, but in Christian camps, those versions tend to migrate to one of two lines.

Along one line, sex is portrayed as a horrendous sin of which teens and young single adults best steer clear.  A big no-no.  Bad. Gross. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Along the other line, a lot of silence.  Sex is rarely or never discussed.  It is an elusive mystery, and all that silence seems to perpetually shroud it in shame, embarrassment and awkwardness.

Is it no wonder many of us stumble through puberty and right into adulthood without even our little toe standing on a solid foundation of accurate information about sex?

So we try to sort it out on our own, right?  Usually we do this with a fair amount of commentary from people who are as misinformed as we are.  It’s like navigating the relational landscape with a trail mix of half-truths, exaggerations, assumptions and crude jokes.

No surprise, we are left hungry.

Some people (including myself in my younger days) tried to fill that hunger by actually exploring the path of arousal and sex.

“If I’m turned on, is that a sign of love?”

“If I really like this person, should we have sex?”

“If we have sex, and we both seem to enjoy it, does that mean we have a future together?”

What a confusing and exhausting journey, compounded by the fact that learning about sex this way has become the societal norm.

But you know what the movies and mama (and your friends) never told you about sex?

That there is a difference between having sex, making love and perfected love making.  Of the three, it’s the last camp that should really pique your interest.  Only with perfected love making is God happily in the mix, willingly revealing to you authentic intimacy.

Sex isn’t just about a physical connection or even genuine emotional connection.  Certainly we can find plenty of examples among single people where there is a mix of those connections.  Sexual encounters that are purely physical may even be categorized as “just sex.”   Encounters where there also is a deep emotional connection may be thought of as “more than sex” or “making love.”

“So why should I care about perfected love making?” you may be wondering.

First of all, don't let that word “perfected” throw you into confusion.  This isn’t about being perfect.  Rather, it’s about embracing God’s vision for intimacy in your marriage.

Perfected love making is one of the many aspects of intimacy that my co-author and I explore in our new eBook Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. 

The reason we dig into it is because so many couples come into marriage with skewed sexual messages and experiences.  To say there are a lot of sexual struggles going on in many marriages would be an understatement.

We want married couples to embrace that no matter the skewed sexual messages or experiences they had coming into marriage, the Lord equips them to experience something authentically profound in their sexual intimacy.

Perfected Love Making is much more than how a couple feels physically and emotionally when they have sex. This only takes place completely where oneness is found – and that’s within the context of a God-ordained marriage.  PLM is distinctly different (and better!) than having sex or making love because those experiences lack the oneness that can be found only when a husband and a wife are covenantally united before God in marriage.

God definitely wants you having sex with your spouse that is passionate, pleasurable and abundant in love.  He offers you perfected love making that is far beyond the distorted or vague messages you may have heard from the movies, your mama, your friends or your past sexual encounters.

He is so generous in this regard!  He cares deeply about what is happening in your marriage bed.

What do you believe you and your spouse could do to embrace God’s vision for your intimacy?

Comment on this post by midnight Tuesday (January 21st) and you will be entered into a drawing for a Kindle copy of the eBook Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Be sure to check back on Wednesday, when the winner will be announced.

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Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.  You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who kind of wants to chew up the kitchen floor.