Journey to Surrender

It's a bittersweet moment for me, but this will be my last post here at Journey to Surrender. It's time to move over and start the year fresh at Heaven Made Marriage. I hope you'll join me there!

Make the Move With Me!

Here's everything you need to know to make the move with me:

• If you currently get my posts by email, either through the monthly Pathways digest or individually, you won't need to do anything, though I do hope you'll click on over and check out the new site. I like it a lot but would love to hear what you think. I'm especially looking for input in these first few months while I'm still building things out and getting everything working. Let me know if something seems wonky!

• If you haven't yet subscribed to my posts by email but would like to, you can do so here: http://www.heavenmademarriage.com/subscribe/

• If you subscribe by RSS feed, you'll need to update your feed reader with my new site feed. You'll find it here: http://www.heavenmademarriage.com/feed/

• If you follow my posts via Facebook, you won't need to do anything. If you don't, why not?!? Click over and like my updated page now! I have just renamed my Facebook page to match the new website. You'll find lots of great marriage encouragement there in addition to my latest blog posts.

• If you are a Twitter follower, I'm not making any change to my twitter handle.  It's still @MarriageJourney. You can follow me on Twitter by clicking here. 

It's been a good run here, but I'm excited by what will be happening at my new blog home in 2017 and beyond. Come along for the ride!

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PS  I'll be slowly moving content from here to the new site over the course of the next months.  If I do it right, clicking on any posts that has moved should automatically redirect you to the same post on the new site.  Theoretically.

When it comes to PDA, the real question is "How much is enough?"

I'm a member of Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, and this month CMBA is sponsoring a blog challenge based on this picture by Kate Aldrich Photography (titles added by me).
Kate and her husband Brad, blog at One Flesh Marriage.

I'm a little late to the party with this post, and my take on the photo is somewhat different than my fellow CMBA bloggers (check out the list of other challenge posts in the comments on this CMBA Newsletter post).

My immediate thought upon seeing the challenge photo went to public displays of affection, or PDA.

I realize there are cultural and contextual limits to PDA, but I personally err on the side of more not less. Let me explain.

Proclaim Your Love

I appreciate couples who are willing to show the world that they are happily married, still in love and show affection for each other. No, I don't want to see a public make-out session or blatant groping, but I see a whole lot more of the other extreme: couples who practically act like strangers in public.

What I like about this photo is the way this couple obviously has affection toward each other. Although their actions are moderated by the umbrella, their love shines through.

Publicly showing affection for your spouse not only demonstrates your love, but it is a great declaration in support of marriage in general. "Marriage rocks! And I'm not afraid to show it!"

Below you'll find 15 ways to give the world a glimpse of your affection for each other.

Affection Doesn't Mean Indecent

Of course your spouse needs to be comfortable with whatever form of PDA you engage in, but there are plenty of ways ways to show affection without being indecent or inappropriate. For example:

• 1 - Hold hands while you walk through your neighborhood
• 2 - Kiss hello and goodbye regardless of where you are
• 3 - Put your arm around your wife in church
• 4 - Lean your head on your husband's shoulder in the theater while waiting for the movie to start
• 5 - Rest your hand on your spouse's knee while sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant (Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Tripplehorn, it is very much a married move).

I don't know of anyone who would find such actions offensive.

Non-Physical PDA

There are also tons of ways to show affection that don't involve physical contact. Here are just a few:

• 6 - Open your wife's car door for her. (Take her hand to help her from the car)
• 7 - Speak kindly (even brag) about your spouse to your friends and family
• 8 - Bring your spouse a cup of tea or coffee at the church coffee hour
• 9 - Send flowers to your wife at work

Public Secret

When you are away from home, there are other ways to show affection for each other that are for your eyes/ears only. Such acts of love add a sense of spice and adventure to your relationship while you are out and about. Some secrets that only the two of you will know:

• 10 - Make eye contact with each other and smile warmly across a crowded room. Give an air kiss.
• 11 - Let your husband know that you are wearing something special for him under your clothes (or that you aren't wearing anything!)
• 12 - Whisper something romantic in your wife's ear
• 13 - Steal a long, passionate kiss in a private hallway or dark parking lot
• 14 - Write a slightly racy text message about your plans for the evening. (You can make it racier if you have a private, secure messaging app like Couple or Avacado.)
• 15 - Leave a note where only your spouse will find it (wallet, purse, briefcase, etc). It can range from sweet to sexy.

What's your take on couples showing affection for each other in public? Would you like to see more of it in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

It's finally going to happen. And I need your help!


I'm happy to announce that I'm in the process of building a completely new website. Okay it's been "in process" since the beginning of the year, and in planning even longer, but I'm finally hoping to launch in October. I've got a bunch of great things planned for the new site, but more than anything else I'm interested in serving my readers with stuff that can help their marriages right where they are.

What Are Your Longings?

If you are like many of my readers, you've been married for a while. Are there things you've always wanted to see in your marriage, but haven't yet experienced? Have you given up on them? I believe it's never too late to see your dreams come true. Maybe it's time to renew your dreams. Don't settle for the marriage you have now. Dust off those heart-longings, take them to the Lord, and start to work toward seeing them come true, one small step at a time.

Maybe you don't have unfulfilled longings. Maybe your marriage is pretty good, even great. The thing is there is always more. There is always room to grow in intimacy and passion and trust and freedom and grace and love... There is plenty of new territory to explore for the sake of growing your marriage. Don't let auto-pilot take over, even if, and especially if your marriage is on solid footing. Auto-pilot is a death sentence!

My sincere desire is to see every couple have the marriage they dream of and to continue to grow together. I believe that's not only possible, but that it's God's plan.

So my question is this: How can I help you do that? Here is your chance to tell me.

Here's Where You Come In

I have an ongoing survey on my blog called "Three Things." If you are an email subscriber or you get my blog via an RSS feed, chances are you've missed out on this survey. Simply put, it poses the question, "What three things do you long most to see more of in your marriage?"

Would you please help me be able to focus on the things that matter most to you and take 1 minute to answer this simple question? Click below now!

Stay Tuned

As part of the new website initiative, I'm moving to a new web address as well, so you'll want to watch this space in order to make sure you move with me!

In addition, I am working on some tremendously helpful resources for building intimacy and passion in your marriage. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, pray for me and my efforts to get the new website up and running. It's a daunting task!

If there are any other topics you'd like to see covered in the future or a specific question you'd like to see addressed here, please feel free to send me an email or leave a comment below.

What is this thing called the Journey to Surrender?

A few Fridays a month I'm re-posting some of my most popular posts. Today I'm sharing my recently updated "About" page for all those of you who have been wondering who is this Scott guy and what is this thing called Journey to Surrender.

If you are new here, or even if you've been around a while, read on to find out about me, about why I write this marriage blog, and explore what I believe about marriage.

For all my readers, new and old, I encourage you to leave me a comment introducing yourself and letting me know what marriage topics would be most helpful or interesting to you.  Or if you haven't done so yet, just take my One Minute New Reader Survey.

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The Journey to Surrender is about exploring, discovering and attaining the fullest potential in Christian marriage. It is an exciting expedition available to every Christian couple willing to travel the biblical path of God’s design for marriage, a path filled with fiery passion, unmatched intimacy and joyous freedom.

I believe that having our hearts awakened to the love a relationship with Jesus is the key to a vibrant, passionate, intimate and enduring relationship between husband and wife. God instituted marriage as a living picture of his passionate pursuit of humankind in general and of you and I in particular. The biblical notion that we are the bride of Christ and He is our Bridegroom is what I and others refer to as the Bridal Paradigm. 


Who Am I?

My name is Scott Means, and I describe myself as a "marriage champion." 

I have been married to my darling wife, Jenni, in excess of 30 years, but I do not claim to have all the answers or to have a perfect marriage. Marriage is a lifelong journey into ever deeper intimacy.  

I have studied a lot about what the Bible says on marriage. I've read extensively what others have to say on the topic, Christian as well as secular sources, as I've passionately pursued understanding of God's intent for marriage. I do not claim to have cornered the market on insight or understanding, but I am excited to see marriages in the church strengthened, renewed and restored to their God-given potential.
I believe we, as believers, have the inside track on marriage, because we have an intimate relationship with the one who created marriage in the first place.

Let me clearly state that I am NOT a professional marriage counselor, NOT a self proclaimed “relationship expert,” NOT a licensed psychologist, and NOT a trained pastor or theologian. 

I simply have a message to share that burns on my heart.  It's a message that I believe also burns on the heart of God.

Why I write

The fact that the failure rate of marriages in the church is not more significantly different than among the population at large saddens me deeply, and I believe God’s heart is equally saddened by the number of failed and struggling marriages, both inside and outside the church. 

I believe strong, enduring and loving marriages are the key to solving so many of society's long-standing, deeply rooted problems.  

Sadly, I also believe that in an effort to gain relevance, the church has often co-opted common cultural perspectives on marriage, rather than relying on biblical instruction. The church has, at least to some extent, lost sight of the fact that at its core marriage is a spiritual relationship, full of mystery and wonder and power.

I write to encourage Christian couples to take a turn off the path of the prevalent cultural marriage paradigm and to take a journey of a different sort - the Journey to Surrender. 

Join me here as we explore how God designed marriage to be from the very beginning.


What I believe

What I believe about marriage is based on my belief that the Bible is the Word of God, that it is true, and that it is the primary way God reveals His truths to us. I’m not a theologian, but what I write here is primarily a result of my ongoing pursuit of what God's Word has to say about marriage. 

Welcome to 2015! 

The turn of the new year is always a great opportunity for fresh starts. Whether your are a person who makes resolutions or not, it's a chance for all of us to reflect on the previous year and to dream a bit for the year ahead.

Blogging with Peace and Joy

I went into 2014 with some high hopes and big plans for this marriage ministry thing I do. Yet, after a year of juggling a demanding more-than-full-time job and my blogging and other marriage ministry activities, I find myself in a similar place to where I was at the turn of the previous year. I'm still wanting to do more, to reach more people, to write more, and ultimately to impact more marriages.

In many ways, many of my aspirations for 2015 are carrying over from last year. Yet, this year I'm more comfortable with the fact that there will always be more. It's taken an especially challenging blogging year to realize that I need to be okay with wishes and dreams that may sometimes have to be deferred, yet without losing hope.

I sense that Lord is calling me to be at peace and to take joy in the doing of the things that He has called me to. I need to take joy in the doing, not just in being done. He wants me to live in the moment, each moment, and to stop striving. Easier said than done!

God makes it clear in his Word that I have available to me "the peace that passes understanding" - that's a supernatural peace that has nothing to do with circumstances or how much I accomplish.

He has also made it clear that living at peace (that is, Shalom - the concept of whole being wellness) is the key to also living in joy. Not happiness. Joy. Joy that springs from an inner well, that finds pleasure in being and not just doing. Joy that places my identity in who God says I am and not in what the world says.

Joy - the ability to delight in God, in his endless love and grace toward me, and to eagerly anticipate whatever He has for my future. [Tweet This Now]

I often need to remind myself that peace and joy are both fruits of the Holy Spirit. That keeps me grounded in the reality that these are not things I get by striving in the natural. These are not things I will get from making New Year's resolutions over.

These are gifts that come from Him by the Spirit. If I want to enjoy them, I need to learn to abide in Jesus and to be continually being filled with the Spirit. He is my ultimate source of peace and joy.

Marriage with Peace and Joy

What marriage struggles have you faced in 2014? What hopes and wishes have been deferred, and what are your desires for the year ahead? Do you find yourself another year further along in your marriage journey and yet facing many of the same issues?

Whether 2014 was a breakthrough year for your marriage or it feels more like a year stuck in neutral, there is always more ahead for your marriage. In that way, not surprisingly, marriage is a lot like our walk with Christ. There is always more to discover, more to grow in, new levels of intimacy available, a deeper levels of surrender, new experiences to enjoy.

But the Lord does not want you to strive and struggle in the marriage journey. He wants to infuse it with His supernatural peace and joy. His desire is that you lean into Him and trust that He only has the best intentions for you and for your marriage.

It's fitting to recall what the angels proclaimed at Jesus' birth.

I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people...
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men.
(Luke 2: 10, 14)    [Tweet This Now]

My prayer for you, me and our marriages in 2015 is that it would be a year full of supernatural peace and joy.

Oh and one other thing. I feel that the Lord has declared to me that when I learn to walk in peace and joy, power will follow. Power to do all that he has called me to. Power to see lives and marriages transformed. Power to see the will of God on the Earth, just as it is in heaven.

Peace >> Joy >> Power!  So let it be, Lord!

PS  Don't worry, we'll be back to The Gift of Sex series next week!

When was that last time obedience really cost you something?

During a time of prayer a few months back the Lord brought a question to my mind. It's usually easy to spot the God questions. They aren't the kind of questions I would typically think to ask myself. They often can't be answered offhand, requiring me to wrestle with them before the answer emerges.

And they usually end up rocking my world in a significant way.

The question this time was: "What would radical obedience look like?"

For the purposes of this post I'll spare you the soul searching part and skip to the answer. Jenni and I talked it over and agreed that it was time for me to do whatever it takes for me to finish the book I've been writing in fits and starts but hadn't touched in almost two years.

God of the Ridiculous

I have felt impressed by the Lord on more than one occasion to finish the book, but I would always eventually pass it off as impossible. At this stage of my life I can barely get a weekly post and a monthly newsletter in. A book? Ridiculous to even consider.

But I've found that God is often a God of the ridiculous. By that I mean upside down, out of reach, way out there ridiculous. Maybe more accurate would be to say He is a God of ridiculously radical ideas.

So despite being under more work pressure than ever before. Despite the 102 items backlogged in my to do list (that's a real number, by the way - the photo above is a screenshot from my to do list manager) I am sequestered away at a friend's lake house for a week of concentrated work on my book.

No Guarantees

I would love to promise you that when you step out in radical obedience that the clouds will suddenly part and everything will suddenly turn easy.

Maybe it actually does work that way sometimes, but more often than not, at least for me, it doesn't. This week is no exception.

God did show me ridiculous favor by providing a comfortable secluded place for a week for free, without me even having to ask for it. It was a fantastic confirmation that we had heard God correctly concerning the book.

But the actual writing part is being much harder and more laborious that I had ever imagined. Progress has been so much less than I had hoped for going in.

It's funny (strange funny, not ha ha funny) how after the first steps of obedience God often calls us to a place of deeper trust. You see it everywhere in The Bible. David spent 14 years running for his life before his anointing as king finally came to pass. I'm convinced that during those years of running God was preparing David to bear the blessing he had in store.

Radical Surrender

Radical obedience usually calls for radical surrender.

I'm not talking about the "giving up" kind of surrender but the "giving over" kind. It usually calls for some kind of sacrifice, generosity, submission or serving.

I think God calls us all to radical surrender in our marriages.

Think about your relationship with your spouse. When was the last time God called you to radical obedience in your marriage? I'm not talking about obedience to your spouse but obedience to what you know God has called you to be or to do for him or her.

When is the last time your obedience, your surrender of self, really cost you something? When was the last time putting your spouse first in something was really hard? When is the last time you purposefully chose grace over offense, sexual intimacy over exhaustion, reaching out in kindness in the face of emotional distance?

If you can't think of any recent examples, I encourage you to pray and ask, "God, what would radical obedience look like in my marriage?" Then do whatever he shows you.


PS While you are praying, I'd appreciate your prayers on behalf of this little book writing venture I'm in the middle of.  Thanks. Now back to the book.

Don't let your circumstances dictate what you hear.

My darling wife and I had a misunderstanding over the weekend.

I know, now your bubble has burst. Marriage bloggers don't have flawless marriages after all.

The reason I bring this particular disagreement to your attention is to help you avoid the same mistakes I made. In particular, putting up a false filter.

False Filters

A false filter is a way of receiving communication or information in a distorted way, brought on by our own (normally distressed) state of mind. Let me explain using my own example.

I was working on some blogging stuff late into the night over the weekend. I was trying desperately to complete some web stuff and a little writing project before I called it quits for the day. I had mentioned that I would be up late to Jenni and suggested she go to bed before me, especially since she was still fighting the cold that had gripped her for more than a week.

It got to be past 11pm and I knew I still had hours of work left before I completed the tasks at hand, so I left my office to find Jenni. I went to tell her to go ahead and get some sleep. I don't remember exactly what she said in response, but it was some mild statement or question about why I needed to be up so late.

Enter False Filter

I was struggling at that moment with a lot of frustration at my inability to make adequate progress on what seemed to me to be a small goal for the day. This irritation was fueled by my general frustration on several fronts relative to my marriage ministry and multiple long-delayed projects.

I received her innocent question, when passed through my false filter of the moment, as accusation against me and as a lack of support for my ministry, and I basically told her so, in a not very nice way.

Now to see how false this particular filter was, you have to know how diligently my wife supports me in my marriage ministry. She encourages me to spend time writing, she gives up many evenings together for me to slave away at the computer down in my office; she hosts our church marriage small group with me; she edits and gives input to my posts whenever I ask. She is amazingly patient and generous about it all.

My curt response hurt her rather deeply, and things kind of spiraled downward from there. She went to bed rather unhappy, and I worked until after 2am.

The next day, as we talked through what had happened the night before, I realized how my reaction to her was totally out of proportion with what she had actually said. I realized that my state of mind at the time caused me to receive her words in a way that she never meant them and elicited a complete overreaction on my part.

Watch Out For False Filters

Do you ever listen with a false filter? Do you sometimes let your state of mind cause you to completely misinterpret something your spouse says or does to you?

I have been thinking about what I could have done to remove this false filter, to listen more accurately, during our conversation that night. The best thing I could have done would have been to be more self-aware, to be more cognizant of my emotional state and to tune out the voices in my head that were screaming "see, you can't do this blogging thing like it needs to be done."

I wish I had paused in the moment to consider how ridiculously incongruent the message I received through my false filter was when compared to what I knew to be the truth.

Where do you have false filters? What are the messages in your head that you are listening to that fly in opposition to what you know to be true? Let me toss out a few examples:

• You hate your body so much that you think there is no way your husband could be attracted to you. Even though he continually compliments and pursues you, you filter his compliments as untrue and his pursuit as unwarranted. You reject him every time.
• You are feeling beat up at your job by a series of mishaps or hardships. You feel like a failure. The next time your wife reminds you gently of something she needs you to do for her, you receive her request as an accusation and angrily reply "I'm doing the best I can!"
• You hang up the phone with your mother, who has been berating you for how you are raising your kids. When your husband approaches and asks if the kids have done their chores, you respond defensively, feeling accused by him, even though he's always been supportive about the kids in the past.
•  A series of circumstances have prevented you from making love for a week. In your mind you decide it must be because your wife isn't attracted to you, even though this is an atypical dry spell. When your wife makes a statement that she is tired during dinner, you immediately take it as her way of fending off any advances later, so you don't bother.

So where have you caught yourself in a false filter recently? How did you turn it around? Help me and my readers learn from your experience. Leave a comment.

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Don't Forget!!  Two great ways to get some awesome free resources that build intimacy into your marriage:

1. During February only! Sign up to get my posts by email and receive my free "14 Day Intimacy Challenge." Two weeks that teach you how to think, act and speak in ways that raise the intimacy level in your relationship. Sign up on the side bar of my blog or click here.
2. Sign up for my Pathways Newsletter, a monthly email newsletter dedicate to the intimacy in marriage. Click here to sign up and get my new expanded "Intimate Connections" download, full of fill-in-the-blank conversation starters design to bring about intimate conversations.

Lessons from my 2013 blogging life

As the year 2013 draws to a close, I have been thinking a lot about what lessons I've learned from blogging this year. 

It's actually hard for me to summarize this year at Journey to Surrender. It is one in which I seriously considered ending my blogging endeavors altogether, although I ultimately decided that my heart won't allow me to lay it down - at least not yet.

The Weight

The state of marriage in the US weighs heavy on my heart. The news is mostly not very good. Marriage rates continue to trend down significantly.  More children than ever are being born out of wedlock and cohabitation rates have soared. People just aren't as marriage-minded as they used to be. These are the unhappy, hard facts.

Marriage weighs on my heart because I know these hard facts also weigh on God's heart. I am compelled to continue plugging away at this marriage thing because it matters to Him. A lot. Marriage was his creation, and it pains Him to see it demeaned and diminished.

The struggle for me is that I want to do much more than I am able to do. I want to reach more people with the great news of God's design for marriage. I want to write more, teach more, and help more couples discover and attain all that God has for their marriage.

The Wait

I've got  nearly 100 notes in my "Post Ideas" folder. I have dozens of initiatives waiting in the wings. I don't lack ideas, I lack time.And more time isn't in the cards for the foreseeable future. When you have a demanding full-time job, blogging is just hard.

I can see countless opportunities and ways to do this thing "better." The difference between where I am in marriage ministry and where I want to be is great - sometimes discouragingly so. I could give you a long list.

For now I continue to just do the next thing, to write the next post, even when it's been longer between posts than it should have been (as with this one). I do what I can in other areas, with social media, with book and other writing projects, and with leading small groups in our church.

I want to be faithful, and I will continue to press into what God has called me to while I wait for "what is" to catch up to "what could be."

Of course, it's not easy to wait while bearing a weight.

The Hope

What weight have you been bearing? What weight has you in a season of waiting for fulfillment? What area of your life do you see some misalignment between "what is" and "what could be?"

Is it the weight of wanting more out of your marriage? More emotional, physical or spiritual intimacy? More passion? More communication? More trust?

Do you struggle with the weight of financial burdens? Or health issues? Do you bear the weight of issues with your children or extended family? Unemployment or underemployment?

There is good news for those of us who wait with a weight. His name is Jesus, and He is our hope and our confidence that our wait is not in vain.

Let me encourage you (and myself) with some truth from the Word:

• "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" (Phil 1:6)

• "But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:4-5)

• "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30)

• May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (Hebrews: 13:20-21)

Take Heart

Whatever you find yourself longing for, whatever you find yourself wanting and waiting for, take heart. God is good and has only good intentions for you and me. Even when I am not, He is eternally faithful.

Here are a few things you can do to help turn your season of waiting into one of hopeful and joyful anticipation:

• Do the next thing you know to do.
• Be faithful in the little things.
• Pray. Pray a lot.
• Practice being thankful. Out loud.
• Soak up the promises of Scripture. Think on them often.
• Release control to the Lord. He is trustworthy.
• When you take control back, release it to him again.

Maybe you can tell that I mostly wrote this post for me. If you find yourself in a similar season of waiting with a weight, I hope it offers some encouragement to you as well.

I leave you/us with this blessing from Romans. This is my sincere prayer:

Useless Tidbits About My Life and Blogging

Since Kate at One Flesh Marriage offered her post “10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife,”  I’ve been itching to offer up my own true confessions.

So here they are in no particular order:

1 – I’m an Engineer

This one might surprise you, or it might make you say, “Oh, now it makes sense.” I have no formal training as a writer or marriage counselor or any other educational experience that applies to this marriage blogging thing I do (except the school of life!). So please forgive my poor sentence structure, mis-use of words and notoriously poor proofing skills. Next time you catch me dangling a participle, just say to yourself. “It’s okay, he’s an engineer.”

2 – I’m a Perfectionist

This one makes #1 hard for me. I don’t like doing anything half way. The fact that I don’t have the time I would like to research, optimize and edit each post causes me no end of frustration. I almost always eventually catch my mistakes, but it is almost always after the post has been seen by 1,000+ people. And I cringe every time.

3 – Blogging Is Harder Than It Looks

Truth be told, I had no idea what I was getting into when I started this blog a little over three years ago. I thought to myself, “I like to write. I have a passion for marriage. How hard can this be?” It didn’t take me long to find out that doing this well takes much more time and energy than a full-time employed person can possibly give it. Still, I write on. It’s been especially difficult lately now that my “day job” has significantly encroached into my blogging schedule, which is why my last post was more than two weeks ago. See also #2.

4 – I Enjoy the Marriage Blogging Community

Jenni and I have formed some wonderful friendships with fellow marriage bloggers. These relationships with others in the marriage blogging community came as a total surprise to me, and it is a wonderful bonus to be able to “lock shields” with others with a similar passion to see marriages become all they can be. There are so many doing great stuff that I can only keep up with a fraction of the many great blogs that I have come across.

5 – I’m a Worship Leader and Song Writer

It doesn’t come up much here, but my other calling from God is as a volunteer worship leader at my church. I’ve been doing that since high school - a lot longer than I’ve been involved in marriage ministry. I’m blessed to be in a church (Northlands Church near Atlanta) full of wonderfully talented musicians and full of people who love to pour out their hearts in worship. I also write music – mostly worship songs for our local church.

6 – I Love to Learn

I have an insatiable curiosity. I am fascinated by history. I love to delve into science and technology. I am plugged into news and political commentary pretty much every day, either online, on TV or on the radio. My family gets annoyed with me for reading every informational plaque in the museum. Oh, and I can’t resist a “cool map.” Of course I also love to learn about marriage. At any given time I have at least ten unread marriage books on my Kindle (and even a few in paper).

7 – I Still Have a Lot to Learn

I have a wonderful marriage and a wonderful wife, but we are far from perfect. I actually don’t think the perfect marriage exists, because there is always more: more intimacy, more passion, more selfless love, more trust and transparency – more of all the stuff that makes a marriage great. I make my share of marriage mistakes, but I’m thankful that I have a wife who is full of unconditional love for me. Sometimes I need Jenni to gently remind me of my own advice!

8 – I Have Too Many Ideas for Posts

I keep multiple lists of post ideas, which I add to weekly. These lists now run into many dozens of potential posts. If I had the time, which I don’t, I could write a post every day of the week - maybe twice a day.

9 – I Have “Finished” Writing a Book On Marriage

Actually, I finished the draft one year ago this month. Unfortunately it took me so long to write it that I now need to do a major amount of editing and revision. I don’t actually agree with some of what I wrote back when I began writing the book, which goes back about four years or more. (I can’t even remember exactly when I started working on it!) I have also written a marriage small group curriculum that goes along with the book. We have used it a few times in our own church. Some day there will be time to finish these projects.

10 – I Love Jesus

Hopefully this one doesn’t come as a surprise to any of you: I think Jesus is awesome and amazing. He is the reason I do this whole marriage thing in the first place. It is in learning to first be His bride that I have learned how to be a husband (think about that one).

So there you have my true marriage blogger confessions.   There are others I could offer, but these are the ones that came to me first. If there’s a question you’d like me to answer, please leave a comment.

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Others from the marriage blogging community are chiming in with their confessions. If you are a marriage blogger, jump on in.  If I missed your confession post, please add your link in the comments.

Kate from One Flesh Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife


Brad from One Flesh Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Husband

Lori - The Generous Wife – Confession Time
 
J from Hot, Holy and Humorous – 10 Confessions of a Marriage & Sex Blogger 

Julie from Intimacy in Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Sex-Blogger

Debi at Romantic Vineyard - Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife

A Peek Into the Life of a Marriage Blogger

It’s been close to a month since I posted here. Did you think I’d never post again? Well, for a while there it came really close to becoming reality.

I’m going to share the story of my journey with God over the past month. I share it in the hopes that it will speak to some of you who find yourself discouraged and overwhelmed by your circumstances. 

Here are the facts:  My day job has had me traveling more than I’ve been home for the last six weeks. And when I am home, I’ve been scrambling to meet some hugely challenging deadlines. In addition to work, all I had left has gone to giving my marriage and family the support and attention they deserve. To top it off, during February I had my three week stint leading worship at our church

Long story short: the stresses all added up and brought me to a breaking point. I decided I just couldn’t do it all. Something had to give and I decided it was my marriage ministry. I was ready to quit this blog and marriage ministry in total.

But God wouldn’t let me quit. Something with it just didn’t sit right in my spirit. Yes, I did feel some relief (okay a lot of relief) from not having to spend every waking minute trying to figure out how to squeeze in blogging, writing, emailing and social networking time.

But when I actually imagined walking away from it all, there was a crushing sadness in my soul that I knew it was not of God. That’s not how he works. So I decided to seek him, and I told him I would do whatever he wanted, but he had to make the way clear.

I prayed a lot as I traveled about the US and the globe. I got nothing for weeks on end. Then just this week the Lord started to lead me across a few simple yet  very important truths.

Truth #1: I Am Enough

I was really struggling with a sense of failure and inadequacy over not being able to do it all. Ever been there?

Then Lori Byerly (aka The Generous Wife ) shared a post that showed up in My Facebook feed. It was a post by Holley Gerth, whom I had never heard of and who I’m convinced God had write a post just for me called “You Can Embrace the Ordinary.

What if our life doesn’t matter? What if what we do doesn’t really count? What if no one recognized our efforts? We panic and strive and end up exhausted.

She (and God) had nailed me. I had promised myself when I began writing that I would not drink the “celebrity” Kool-Aid. I wouldn’t let my strong desire for impacting marriages drive me into platform-building mode.

But slowly, over three years of blogging, I got sucked in. I began paying too much attention to the many ways in which bloggers measure success (pageloads, followers, comments, likes, etc). The numbers started mattering too much. I slowly slipped into platform-building mode. I began to gauge my success by numbers.

The thing is, that’s not how the Kingdom of God measures success. As Holley’s article concludes, “But here’s the freedom: you don’t have to strive. You can embrace where you are right here, right now and know that it is enough. You are enough.”

Then, through my wife God also led me to a teaching by Eric Johnson called “The Box.”

The Box

Among the many striking things Eric had to say about how we view ministry, the one that hit me between the eyes was this:

Ministry is Not What You Do, It’s Who You Are

I couldn’t NOT be in marriage ministry, because it’s who I am. It is something the Lord put inside of me.

God did not call me to be a “successful blogger” or published author or to build a platform. He called me to minister his truth to marriages, to speak what I find is on his heart for Christian couples everywhere I come across them. It might be in a small group in our church; it might be across a table at Starbucks; it might be to someone in The Philippines looking for an answer on my blog.

The where and how are God’s to figure out. My part is just to do the next thing, resting in the assurance that I already have his approval and blessing and that I do not need to strive for it in my own strength.

Now, that isn’t exactly easy for someone as driven as I am, but I am convinced it is the right way – the only way - forward.

When Something Has to Give

The other thing that struck me from listening to “The Box” teaching, is that I need to be careful about my preconceived notions of what marriage ministry has to look like.

When we try to put a box around our ministry and define it too narrowly, we limit how we let God move. 

So when I came to the realization that I had to give up something in order to survive the current madness, I realized that what had to go were my assumptions and expectations.

So here is my grand plan for marriage ministry: let go, let God and stop striving.

I appreciate your patience in the near term while I try to figure out just how this new blogging paradigm will unfold. Stick around and enjoy the journey with me.

What about you? Have you ever felt at the breaking point and unable to do all you felt you were “supposed” to be doing? How did God break through to you? Share your story in the comments.

1. Sexual Surrender/Sexual Submission – What’s fascinating about this search it is the first time it has appeared with any significance. It jumped out of nowhere to number one. I can only attribute it to the“50 Shades of Gray” phenomena. The funny thing is that I only have ever addressed this topic in one short series, and none of the posts included anything about ropes or floggers. 

2. My Husbands Won’t Lead – This is the first time since I started checking search results (almost two years ago now) that this search term was not number one, dethroned by the “Gray” factor. I am still convinced that this is the number one issue holding marriages back today. Men have been conditioned not to dare “step up” yet many wives are desperate for them to do just that.

3. Sex – I don’t write a lot specifically about sex, though I do address it periodically in the context of discussing many other topics. The interesting and sad thing about the people finding my blog through a sincere search about sex (I threw out the obvious porn searches!) is that two thirds of the searches were related to sexual shame.  I think sexual shame is a particular problem in the Christian community, due in part to the church’s failure to deal candidly and openly with the topic. I also wonder whether or not there is a lot of shame associated with the recent explosion in popularity of erotica, particularly BDSM erotica.

4. Surrender/Submission – Off and on, I have written a lot about biblical roles in marriage, and I’ve given pretty equal treatment to the topic of a husband's headship or leadership, and a wife's submission. Consistently, however, submission gets the lion’s share of the search hits. My theory goes like this. There are a lot more wives trying to figure out how to walk out biblical submission than there are husbands looking for information on how to lead in a biblical manner (See #2 above.)

5. Intimacy/Oneness – The popularity of these search terms fall right in line with my New Reader Survey (take it now if you never have by clicking the link). Since I started the survey a few years back, the number one item people say they want to hear more about is “How to Grow in Intimacy.” What they are ultimately seeking is how to live the “one flesh” reality that the Bible describes, which includes spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy.

My wife and I were amazed to discover how often we immediately and instinctively grab for our phones during every free minute, seeking out that latest Instragram photo, Facebook post, tweet or next game move.  So we made a decision to be much more deliberate about being “hands-free” in our marriage.  We’ve realized that instead of holding, gazing on and engaging with our phones during our time together, we can actually do the same with each other. We are now much more aware of how many opportunities we have missed to connect with each other.

• “The first thing to realize about being positive is that it is a choice.  We all have lots of stuff that could drag us down into being negative; that’s just real life.” (full post )
• “I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it.” (full post)
• “I often hear it said that right thinking leads to right doing.  That's why it is so important to get your thinking screwed on straight” and “practice thankfulness daily.” (full post)
• “One negative statement carries the same emotional weight as seven positive ones.  Whether the number is true or not, you can shift the atmosphere in your marriage with your words.” (full post)
• “Little, frequent acts of kindness and love are the best way to ensure that passion and intimacy thrive.” (full post)

"My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know…his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which raised Christ from the dead.

Ephesians 1:17-20

Though it may not look like it here, I've been doing a whole lot of writing lately.

For starters, as of today I am a contributing writer for the Traditional Love Channel at YourTango.com, a site dedicated to all things "love."  The truth is that most of what appears on that website is completely secular in nature.  Some of it is benign, some of it is helpful, and some of it I don't agree with.  That's OK with me.  The "Traditional Love" section of the website is where writers share from a more biblical world view.

My reason for accepting the invitation to write on a website that has content which I don't necessarily support is that I see this as a fantastic opportunity to proclaim God's truth about marriage in a venue that will reach people who aren't necessarily there looking for it.  

Go check out my first article: "3 Powerful Marriage Lessons From Easter." 

My wife and I had the privilege of having Brad and Kate Aldrich visit us yesterday and today.  It was a totally divine appointment and a blessing to  share for hours on such a deep level with people we'd never met before (at least not in person).

Totally amazing people with huge hearts for marriages. 

Kate blessed us by sharing her gift of photography, taking a bunch of pictures of Jenni and I as we walked around a local park!  It was a beautiful day for that.  I'm sure her photos will be much better than the one here that I snapped of them on my phone.

Ironically, my guest post on Brad and Kate's One Flesh Marriage blog went up while they were staying with us.  You can check out my post there, "Lady's First?" In that post I write my answer to the question, "If you could share only one thing from your marriage, what would it be?"

Finally, I'm working on the second edition of a marriage small group curriculum entitled "12 Principles of a Surrendered Marriage."  This is the second time we've led a marriage group with these materials, and I'm doing some major editing as we work through it with seven couples from our church. My goal is to have a "finished" edition by this summer.  Watch this space for more on that!

So it's a busy season, but I'm excited about all that God is doing.  Go God!

I spent the last two posts (here and here) talking about the highlights of what’s been going on here in the last year. Overall it was a great year: I learned a lot, deepened relationships in the blogging community, and grew my readership by about five fold.

I feel like I've really settled into this whole blogging thing and have discovered that I love it!

Today I want to spend looking forward. I want to talk about my plans for the coming year and ask you for some help.


If you read my Hot Topics of 2011 post, you know that my relatively few posts that dealt directly with sex and with specific romantic ideas were among the most popular posts from last year.

So you can expect to see quite a bit more on both of these topics this year.


One of the things that really burns on my heart is reaching more church leaders with the message of the Bridal Paradigm and the power of Surrendered Marriage. But more than just getting more pastors and church leaders to read my blog, I want to equip them with helpful tools that make it easier for them to strengthen the marriages in their churches. Research is clear that those who place a high importance on faith have stronger, more enduring marriages than those who do not, but I want to see the marriages in the church so obviously amazing, strong, happy and successful that people flock to the church (and ultimately to God) to see what it’s all about.

The other group I want to reach more is the young married crowd. Somewhere around 70% of my readers have been married more than ten years. And while I greatly appreciate the longevity that represents and the wisdom that comes from experience, I have a heart to see more young couples embracing what the Bible says about marriage instead of what the culture says about marriage or what the culture says the Bible says about it.


In line with both of these reach-broadening goals, I am putting the finishing touches on the second edition of a 12-week marriage curriculum that I’ll be test-driving in another small group in my own church. I used the first edition last year in a small group that had couples married between about 5 and 25 years, but I'm hoping for more young-marrieds will sign up this time. My hope is to recruit heavily among the recent influx we’ve had of younger married couples. Once the small group cycle ends, I’ll be polishing off the materials over the summer for the third edition and packaging it up to provide to others. If I can possibly find the time, there may even be a companion ebook to go along with it. All very exciting stuff!!

You can probably look for some excerpts from the curriculum and/or the ebook here later this year.


In trying to get an understanding of the needs of my readers, I’ve been taking a fresh look at the results of my New Ready Survey. It’s clear that many of you are looking for some more practical, how-to advice for your marriage (82% express a strong interest). While I intend to continue my “Paradigm in Practice” feature,  I plan to also start offering a few simple, practical tips at the end of many posts.

The same percentage (also 82% strong interest) are looking for how to grow in intimacy. I think more sex and romance posts, as I mentioned above, will help to answer that need, but I also plan to address this topic more specifically. I wrote so much on intimacy in 2010 that last year I kind of backed off from the topic. This important issue probably needs more attention, along with some more practical, “what do I do to build intimacy” tips.

Help Me Out Here!

What have I missed? What topics do you feel are too often neglected by the marriage blogging community, by marriage books or by the church at large? Leave a comment with your suggestions as to what you’d like to read more of here. I welcome the feedback!!