Journey to Surrender

Advent reminds you to expect great things in your marriage, but also to look for your spouse and for God to deliver in unexpected ways. 

Contrary to popular notion and the fact that stores have had their halls decked with red and green since October, we are not currently in the season of Christmas.  Technically, until December 25th, we are in the season of Advent. The church calendar observed by many Christians tells us that Advent starts four Sundays before Christmas.

Advent comes from a Latin word that means arrival. The season of Advent is all about expectancy and preparing to celebrate the arrival of Jesus on Christmas.

Advent helps us pause amidst all the shopping and decorating and cookie making to remember what Christmas is really all about: Jesus. In Advent we stir up our longing for Jesus and remember that he is the ultimate expression of God's love for us.

Longing, Waiting Yet Completely Missing It

The religious leaders of Jesus' day had been waiting more than 400 hundred years for the arrival of the Messiah. Yet because they had preconceived notions of the way in which he would come and how he would go about establishing his kingdom, they completely missed the fact that he was standing right before their eyes. Not only did they miss him, they went against him and killed the very one for whom they had been waiting.

Although Jesus came to Earth as a baby, his ultimate goal was to claim for himself an eternal bride. As is so often the case, there is a clear parallel between the spiritual and the marital as we think about Advent.

What are you longing and waiting for more of in your marriage? What preconceived ideas do you have of what that should look like when it comes?

I've written before about how expectations in marriage affect what we perceive (See my post Expectations: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly) . Expectancy bias  can cause you not to see something that's right in front of you because you aren't expecting it or are expecting it in different form.

• Do you miss your spouse's expressions of love because you are looking for them to express love the same way you do?
• Do you miss your spouse's sexual initiatives because they aren't as overt as you would like?
• Do you miss your spouse's small acts of kindness because you expect them to be grander? Or worse, because you don't expect him or her to be kind at all?
• Do you miss small incremental changes in your spouse for the better because you have given up hoping for change or because you want bigger changes?
• Do you discount efforts your spouse makes to help out with chores or errands because they don't do it exactly how you would?

I'm not saying you should settle. I'm saying you should look for and be thankful for every step in the right direction. Thankfulness, appreciation and recognition of the good things in your spouse and marriage will not only encourage your spouse in their efforts but will actually help you see them more easily.

Robyn of Up With Marriage has a great quote in her post this week "Desire to Please"

Whether you think positive or negative about your husband, either way you are right.

God Shows Up In Unexpected Ways

Advent and Christmas remind us of the lavish love, generosity and goodness of God toward us. It also reminds us that sometimes God shows up in ways we don't expect.

God is for you and for your marriage. But if he answers your prayers in ways you don't expect, will you miss it?

• Maybe instead of changing your spouse, he may want to change you?
• Maybe instead of improving your spouse's behavior to line up with your expectations, he may want you to grow in showing grace first?
• Maybe instead of instead of getting your wife to submit, he may want you to get better at selfless love?
• Maybe instead of causing your husband to lead in the way you think he should, he may want you to acknowledge your husband as head and to honor and respect him just as he is today?
• Maybe instead of getting your spouse to apologize, he may want you to be the one to reach across the gap between you that was created by your last argument?

One thing Jesus clearly showed us is that the Kingdom of God is often upside down and backward from conventional or popular thinking (be the greatest by being a servant, the last shall be first, foolish things confound the wise, love your enemies, etc.). So when it comes to your marriage, you might just need to be open to some unconventional and even counter-cultural answers from the Lord.

In fact, I'd expect it.

These last days of Advent, consider where you might need to adjust your expectations of your spouse and marriage in ways to allow you to celebrate all that is good in your relationship. 

And as we wait to celebrate God showing up on Christmas, remember that God may also show up in your marriage in ways you don't expect.

Simple ways to support and encourage your husband's spiritual leadership without being controlling or demanding.

Welcome to Wives Only Wednesday. It's been a while since my last WoW post, so as a reminder, these are posts I do specifically for wives. Husbands can check out the related Men Only Monday post: 3 Simple Ways to Lead Your Wife Spiritually.

Most Christian wives I know are longing to have their husbands take up their God-given role as the spiritual head of the household. So how do you encourage your husband to lead? Many wives either have tried and failed or aren't sure what to do.

(Note: these suggestion are for Christian couples and do not address the situation of an unbelieving husband. Also note that the "What Won't Work" section is especially true for a non-believing spouse.)

What Won't Work

There is a principle that says you can't push on a rope. When you try pushing, all you get is a tangled mess. This rope principle applies to roles in marriage. Below are some examples of pushing.

Criticism - Many husbands won't step up and lead spiritually because they fear they will fall short or embarrass themselves. Criticizing your husband's spiritual life will only exacerbate his fear of failure and judgment from you. The higher the expectations you heap upon him, the less likely he is to step up. Communicating dissatisfaction will likely have the very opposite effect you hope for and cause him to pull back from expressing his spirituality to you. Be aware that he can easily view even well-intentioned questions as accusation ("Did you pray about that?").

Nagging - Demanding your husband be a stronger spiritual leader won't work. That is actually you usurping his leadership and will cause him to shrink back further. Nagging him about his spiritual habits will have the same negative effect. Such question as "When was the last time you had a quiet time?" or "Have you read your Bible today?" are actually just veiled attempts to control his spiritual life. It doesn't work.

Comparison - This is probably an obvious one, but pointing out what other husbands are doing to lead their families spiritually will only make him feel like a failure and inadequate in your eyes. Just don't do it.

What You Can Do

All of the approaches listed above amount to trying to control your husband. You and I both know that the only person you can control is yourself. Controlling amounts to pushing on the rope of your husband's spiritual leadership, and it will probably backfire.  So, what can you do to help create an internal "pull" in your husband's heart to want to grow in his headship role?  Here are a few ideas that are based on love and serving rather than on control:

Show Honor - Let go of your spiritual checklists and expectations. Your husband's spiritual life is most likely going to express itself differently from yours, and that's okay. My wife's quiet times and mine are as different from each other as they can be. Mine are less frequent, less scheduled and tend to be shorter than hers. It took me a while to realize that we are just different in this regard. Honor and respect his way of seeking God.

Value His Insights - Even if (and maybe especially if) you feel you are spiritually stronger and more knowledgeable than your husband, ask for his opinion on spiritual matters. Invite him into your spiritual struggles and questions. Ask him to pray for you about specific situations and thank him when he does. Acknowledge his answered prayers. This has two outcomes. First, it builds spiritual intimacy as you learn to share your hearts in a vulnerable fashion, and second it helps him build spiritual muscle.

Express Appreciation - Acknowledge every step your husband takes in spiritual growth and in leading your family. Affirm him by saying, "I'm so thankful to have you as the spiritual head of our home." Thank him when he opens up to you about spiritual matters or offers his perspective. Appreciation will demonstrate your desire for his spiritual leadership without you actually having to say it.

Seek Intimacy - Spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy are all connected. If you desire deeper spiritual intimacy, pay attention to your sex life and to how you act with him emotionally. There is not a formula, but fruit in one dimension tends to spill over into the others.

As I said, these actions are about showing love to your husband in language he can appreciate, and when you do these you invite his leadership by offering him your submission. The Greek word for submission used in the famous Ephesians 5 passage on marriage (hupotasso)  means to arrange yourself under. When you willingly show your husband honor and respect with your actions, you are arranging yourself under his loving spiritual leadership.

Of course you should pray for your husband, for spiritual intimacy between you, and for his headship in the spiritual domain of your marriage, but you don't have to just pray and wait. While prayer is vital and your number one strategy, there are also practical steps you can take that create an environment where his leadership can thrive.

These are my ideas for what will and won't work in your journey toward a rightly ordered spiritual dimension of your marriage.  I'd love to hear any ideas you have!  Leave a comment.

---

If you are reading this by email or on a mobile device, please take a minute to participate in my new survey. "What Do You Want More of In Your Marriage?"

Why did a poorly written book followed up by a mediocre movie grab the hearts and minds of millions of women?

I've purposefully chosen to stay out of the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fray up to now. So many people have covered the topic that I figured I wouldn't be able to add anything significant to the conversation.

But it's hard for me to ignore the fact that over the last few months, my blog stats show that my post "A Wife's Sexual Surrender" has been consistently at the top of my most viewed pages. The 2011 post shot up in popularity with the release of the FSOG book and then again with the recently released movie. No doubt many disappointed Googlers landed on that post, written long before the release of the book, to find nothing remotely close to the kind of "submission" depicted in FSOG.

I have often wondered what all these poeple, the majority of whom are presumably women, are looking for in a post on sexual surrender?

It's this question that ultimately led me to finally wade into the murky FSOG waters today. And this question leads to some similar ones that have been nagging me ever since the FSOG phenomenon took our popular culture by storm.

How is that a such a poorly written erotic romance novel spent months atop the best seller list and sold more than 100 million copies in 52 languages worldwide?  One book blogger  said about the book, "In all honesty, though, this book is awful.  Really, truly, mind-bogglingly awful." The New York Review of Books, after acknowledging the popular success of the book, summarized the critics perspective this way,  "Critics, by contrast, have found much to abhor about the work." Yet the readers at Amazon and Barnes and Noble both give the trilogy an average of four-and-a-half out of five stars. How could the progenitor of such mediocre tripe be named to Time Magazine's list of the "100 Most Influential People in the World?"

Further, the movie based on the book has been critically panned, receiving one star on Rotten Tomatoes and a little south of two stars on IMDB's critics review. Yet the movie has set box office records, grossing in excess of 500 million dollars in the month since its release. But why? As with the book, critical and popular opinions stand in stark contrast to each other.

These are questions I've seen a few writers attempt to answer, but most of these answers haven't fully satisfied my curiosity.

What The World Says

Admittedly, I have neither read the books nor seen movie, but I've read enough about them, from enough varied sources, to get a pretty clear picture of the content. In researching for this post, I've also read a number of theories on the reasons for the FSOG phenomenon, from both secular and Christian sources.

Secular sources are decidedly mixed as to the effects of FSOG on society. Many call it harmless mind-candy for bored housewives. Some laud the permission FSOG supposedly gives women to free themselves sexually or to tap into their hidden fantasies. Others argue strongly that the books and movie promote sexual violence against women.

As for the reasons for its popularity, secular writers say the attraction is in the way the story portrays the healing power of love, even though it does so in a totally unrealistic fashion. Other say it appeals to women's innate desire to be a "rescuer and healer." Many mention women's common attraction to "bad boys." Surprisingly few point to the kinky sex as the draw.

Christian Voices

For the most part Christian's have been pretty universally critical of the book and movie, and for the most part, rightly so. Erotica is just as dangerous as porn in terms of the potential damage to marriages. The works depict a non-biblical view of sex (outside of marriage, full of control and manipulation, sado-masochism and more). Of course the shows and movies on cable TV these days are just as sexually non-biblical, with much less outrage.

As true as all the badness is with FSOG, we have to admit that millions of professing Christians have read the books and seen the movie. From what I can tell by the many comments I have read, most women loved it and recommended it to their friends. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it does further beg the question of why women, Christians and non-Christians alike, seem so compelled by the story line?

We also have to admit that a non-trivial number of women, Christians among them, claim to have a renewed sense of sexuality and many report improvements in their libido and sex lives as a result, short-lived though it may be.

Stopping at condemnation of the books and movie as perverted, evil and destructive will do little to further our understanding of the popularity of FSOG. Likewise, simply warning, scolding or even condemning those who have chosen to partake of FSOG isn't going to help us or them them understand what it is they are really after.

It's understanding I want to gain as well. 

My Theory

I've realized that I keep researching and rewriting the first part of this post because I have tremendous trepidation over actually putting my theory out there.

As I freely admit in my bio, I'm not a psychologist or trained theologian, so take what I'm about to say as just another marriage blogger's opinion, worth what you paid for it.

Enough caveats. Out with it.

I believe so many woman are drawn to the Fifty Shades of Grey story because they long to be radically loved and cared for by a strong man. Women paint themselves onto the seemingly blank canvas that is Anastasia Steele, the story's female protagonist, because the idea of surrendering themselves to someone whose heart they totally own and who will completely care for them (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially) is a huge turn-on for many women.

So strong is this desire that women are willing to look past their disdain for Christian Grey's overly controlling and sadistic nature. Though there are exceptions, many women report that the S&M sex is not what drew them to the story and that they have little desire to engage in the practices depicted so graphically in the books and movie.

The Longings of the Heart

It is difficult to paint the complexities of human longing with simple, broad strokes. Yet, due to the sheer mass appeal of FSOG, it's obvious that the story has clearly tapped into many women's basic desires.

My feminist friends are no doubt rolling their collective eyes at my theory. I hear the chant, "Down with the patriarchy and misogynistic notions that women long to be taken care of. What women really want is independence, power and equality!"

Really? I find nothing of what feminists claim that women want within the FSOG story. Nothing. Yet women are drawn to it by the millions.

Now, before you accuse me of being a woman-hating misogynist, you should read more of what I've written on the subject. My "What I Believe About Marriage" would be a good place to start.

Let me state clearly that I believe that a woman can be both strong  and submissive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. And yes, I did just use the S-word. I agree that feminism has helped to right some historical wrongs, and I absolutely believe men and women are of equal worth.

But I also believe that God set up the ordered partnership that is marriage as described in the Bible. I believe that being equal in value does not mean men and women are the same or interchangeable. I believe God filled our hearts with innate desires that correspond to our God-given roles, though the world will try to get us to deny and denigrate our very natures.

I believe that what most wives really want is a husband who will love them radically, selflessly and unconditionally, and who will pursue and woo them relentlessly, as Christ does with the church. I believe they long to find the bliss that comes through willingly surrendering themselves to such a love, only to find themselves the object their husband's deep affection, relentless protection, and generous provision (as we receive from Christ in our love-relationship with him).

And in such a marriage you are going to find some really great sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey is flawed erotic fiction, with all the dangers and falsehoods that attend it . Yet the hugely popular draw of the story compels us to examine more closely a flawless and even more compelling love story, Christ and the church, the picture of marriage as God designed it.

What do you think of my theory? What have I missed? Why do you think FSOG is such a draw for women? Chime in. Leave a comment. 

When you say "As you wish," what you are really saying is "I love you."

I'm excited to share with you a guest post by my lovely wife, Jenni.

Although the post is mostly slanted toward wives in the "empty nest" stage of marriage, the insights she shares can be applied to any life stage.

Don't forget to come back next week for part two of this fabulous Wives Only Wednesday post!

---

by Jenni Means

I recently had the privilege of speaking for a group of fellow empty-nester wives on the subject of marriage.  Not only am I an empty-nester wife, but I am also a movie buff (especially old ones!)  So to kick off our evening I showed the following clip from a classic, The Princess Bride.


Can't see the video?  Click here.

In this great opening scene we discover that “As you wish” actually is another way of saying “I love you!”

This is a gift that we can give our husbands at any stage of our marriage, but I suggest it is increasingly important in the later years.

In keeping with the Bridal Paradigm our husbands are doing their best to love us sacrificially, laying down their lives for us.  We are endeavoring to love them by allowing them to lead us in this surrendered love lifestyle. We look to Jesus as our example for what love looks like, “Not my will, but Yours be done” or in other words, “As You Wish”.

Choosing "As You Wish"

“As You Wish” can’t be an obligation, or a duty.  For it to mean “I Love You” it must be a choice, a gift.  It says you matter to me and I am willing to put your wants above my own.

• It is sacrificial.
• It is respect.
• It will probably often involve sex. (Or sex often, teehee!)
• It is not about “rights”
• It is a gift you and you alone can give your spouse.

It is awesome when our husbands lead in giving the gift of “As You Wish” and it sure makes it easier for us to also give when this is the case.  But I want to challenge you to not focus on what isn’t.  We can’t control anyone but ourselves, no matter how hard we try.

Giving the gift of “As You Wish” makes you powerful.  It is you making a choice and carrying it out. You are choosing to love as you would like to be loved and as you are loved by God.
Fighting for our own way isn’t worth it. It’s not even enjoyable when we “win” that battle. And you don’t want things to be even. Such a win-lose view makes no sense because you and your husband are one!

My wonderful husband has posted before on the statistics of what our husbands say they need most from their wives. The chart below shows the things that husbands say they need most from their wives.  (The dark blue bars show the percent of  husbands who chose each as their top need. The pink bars represent the percentage of wives who chose that same need as most important.  Click the chart to enlarge it.)
One of the top two needs, sex, is no surprise.  But I find that over and over again wives are surprised about the great importance respect is to our men, and they are equally surprised by what that looks like.

This week we'll take a closer look at one of the top two needs of husbands: respect.

Respect

As we enter the second half of our lives, I believe that respect becomes increasingly important to our husbands. Chances are they are not going to be the young hot shot at work. No matter how great they are at keeping up with technology there’s a good chance a younger person will surpass them in some areas. They are not dinosaurs but a gold mine of experience, and they need us, their wives, to reflect their value and awesomeness back at them.

They can’t make themselves young again, but they still need to feel like a hero, our hero. Age does not change our feelings for them. They are still our hot shot and hero.  We see them as they really are and let them know with our words.

As our husbands age, they need more respect than usual, and usual is more than you think!

---

When you give your husband the gift of "As you wish," you are saying that you respect his preferences and honor his wishes. It also communicates your trust and your confidence that he will choose wisely. It says to him that you believe in his leadership.

Yes, "As you wish" shows your man the respect he needs.

Next week Jenni will be back with part two of this post: The Gift of As You Wish in the Bedroom. Don't miss it!

Meanwhile, if you have communicated respect to your husband with an "As you wish, " we'd love to hear about it. Share it in a comment.

---

Related Post: From Shiela Gregoire - Why It Can Be Hard to Respect Your Husband

You can move your sex life from "have to" to "want to."

With this post and the next one we are getting down to the nitty-gritty of marital needs.

Today is a Wives Only Wednesday post, so you guys can tune out. I'll deal with you next week in a follow up Men only Monday post.

People are still taking my marital needs poll, in which I asked husband and wives to answer this question: "What is the one thing you need most from your spouse?" (You can add your own answer by clicking here).

Though the final results aren't in yet, there are some pretty clear trends emerging. Today, I'm going to tell you, wives, about the need that more husbands chose than any other.

First the Facts

By a significant margin, more men reported needing "a satisfying sex life" as their number one need than any other need. Overall, 49% of husbands reported sex as their number one need, as compared to 2% of wives.

For comparison, the second most reported number one need for husbands was "being respected," which came in at 14%.

Here's the tough part. Of those 49% of husbands who stated sex was their most important need, 58% said their need was not being met very well at all, giving their wives a 1, 2 or 3 on a ten point scale. On a more positive note, 22% said their need for sex was being met well (7-10 score).  The other 20% fell in the middle.

Here's a question for you to consider: how enduring will a marriage be when a spouse's most important need is going almost completely unmet?

From "Have To" to "Want To"

I thought it would be best, considering the sensitive nature of sex in marriage, to get some assistance with this post from some of my female blogging friends who have recently written some excellent posts on the topic. So I contacted them and asked if I could use excerpts from their posts, and both graciously agreed.

Robyn Gibson of Up With Marriage did a couple of great posts on the issue of sex.  In her first post on this topic Serving Through Sex she examines the key distinction between "have to" and "want to." As she explains, in her own life moving from "have to" to "want to" was a matter of adapting her thinking to God's plan for sexual intimacy in her marriage.

Adapting enables the flesh to grow up. Adapting is what changes the stoic ‘have to’ in our flesh of obedience into the loving ‘want to’ in our spirit. 

She adds this scripture:

And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.

Ezekiel 11:19

Her point here is that when women think of sex as simply "serving their husbands," it is more of an obligation - something only for his benefit. But that's not how God intends sex to be in the marriage relationship. She concludes her post with the example of a husband who "serves" his wife by reluctantly agreeing to dinner and a movie, but freely admits he would rather have just unplugged and read a book.

He is in the mindset of “I have to” not “I want to.” It feels deceitful and is an affront because when we read, "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25), we know God didn’t mean for Christ to love the church through conciliatory gestures.  Have to is serving. Want to is loving. I don’t want my husband to have to love me; I want him to want to love me.

So, back to the sex of it … as long as I feel that I am serving my husband through sex, it will always be a conciliatory gesture and never authentic genuine love.

Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Have to is serving. Want to is loving. 

There's another great quote from Robyn in the part 2 of Serving Through Sex.

The reason many of us have of a hard time wrapping our minds around this juxtaposition is because we try to reason in our flesh that we need to understand what God is asking of us before we do it. We wrestle with thoughts like:  “If it would just make sense then I could adapt.” Or,“If I just knew how this was going to turn out.” Or,“If I do this, how can I be sure that it will be fair?” Or at the very least, we want to be assured that our spouse won’t take advantage of us in the slightest. It seems we want some kind of guarantee before stepping out in faith. 

Stepping out in faith requires that we relinquish our need for a guarantee that everything will work out in our favor.

As Robyn explains, Jesus' submission to the will of the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane was not an act of service. It was an act of love.

Love says, my desire is to do what your will is. 

Serving through sex is a method for a wife to compartmentalize the act itself. She will be able to have sex and at the same time not be fully engaged: only as much as she has to be.

When I trust that God’s ways are excellent I will adapt to His plan for marriage. The submission of my whole self in marriage will demonstrate to God that I am all in. Nothing will be held back. I won’t be stuck in the mindset of having to serve my brother through sex. Instead, my transformed heart will want to have sex with my husband.

Guided by the Holy Spirit, Not Emotions

Chris, who writes the Forgiven Wife blog, encourages wives with the testimony of her marriage, and how God transformed her heart and her marriage after twenty years of sexual "gatekeeping."

In a recent series, Chris shares the story of Janna Allen, a wife whose marriage underwent a similar transformation, The series is titled Journey of Change and starts here.   In the third post of her story, Janna explains why she thinks this transformation will stick.

I believe it is because it is NOT based on what I am “feeling”, physically or emotionally.  It is based on conviction and love, love of my Lord and my husband.  No matter if my sexual desire dips (which it does), it’s not an option to do nothing.  Or no matter how I am feeling towards my husband at the time (which I have had hurt and anger to work through this past year), it’s not an option not to work through things and go back to a “self-protective” state where I build walls and harbor unforgiveness and /or bitterness.

I could never have done it without the conviction and power of the Holy Spirit, and I believe that it will only be through Him that this will be a forever change. Where I am concerned, all that’s dependent on me is a surrendering and obedience to Him, because by nature I am way too selfish, independent, rebellious, and prideful to keep up an act of serving and loving my husband without some supernatural help and empowerment.

As I explained in my last post, Are You A Love or a Worker, being guided by love doesn't mean you are guided by emotion. Rather, you can choose to focus on the truth, despite what your emotions might tell you. One of those truths is that, as a believer, you have the fullness of the Holy Spirit inside you - the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. That is power!

Practice allowing your spirit to rule over your soul (mind, will and emotions).

More of You

If you struggle in the area of sexual intimacy with your husband, here is a notion that might help you shift your mindset. Rather than thinking of your husband as simply wanting more sex, realize that what he really wants is more of you.

He wants the kind of intimacy with you that only a thriving sexual relationship can enable.

Let your love for God and your love for your husband, empowered by the Holy Spirit, transform your "have to" into a "want to." Who knows, maybe you might even end up at "get to."


Next time: The Number One Need of Wives

It's Freebie Friday!! See the end of this post for details!

---

Guest Post by Sara Horn


Every marriage is different. But there are many similarities too. That’s why I sometimes have to smile when I’m talking with a wife who’s heard about my biblical submission experiment when I sent a year intentionally studying and living out what the Bible says about submission and applying it to my marriage.

I smile because there’s usually one of two common responses. The first wife will usually raise her eyebrows, physically step back (just in case this submission thing is catching) and say something like, “Well, that’s good for you but I could never do that.”

The second wife will also raise her eyebrows, but then she will step in closer and whisper (just in case anyone might hear), “Tell me more. I’m not sure I can do it, but I would really like to try.”

A Transformed Mind

I relate to both of those women. This summer, my husband Cliff and I will celebrate 16 years of life together. For the large majority of that time, I wanted nothing to do with “that submission thing.” Those verses in the New Testament where Paul talks about wives submitting to their husbands – some seriously out of date ideas, right? As an independent, strong woman, I had no desire to be a second fiddle, even to someone as caring and sweet as my Cliff.

We were partners, we did life 50/50, there was no need for this Follow the Leader marriage stuff. Besides, Cliff and I both recognized how different our personalities were – mine, Type A, his, Type B. God gave me leadership abilities so didn’t that also include my marriage?

These were the kind of thoughts I lived by until just a few years ago, when God really started to pull me deeper into not just reading His Word, but studying His Word. No longer was I just skimming – I hungrily wanted to apply it. I deeply desired to do what Romans 12:2 talks about – I didn’t want to conform to what the world says is right, but I flat out wanted to see my life transformed by God renewing, or changing, my mind to think His thoughts instead of being content with just my own. To see His plan over mine. To follow through with His will instead of giving into my choices and my wants. My marriage seemed to be where He wanted to start first.

After going through a year of applying some of the principles we find in Proverbs 31, and learning some life-changing lessons that changed my marriage and our family life in powerful ways, I knew it was time to face that word I’d ignored for so long.

Submission

Ephesians 5:22 reads, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord…” I like how the Message translation words it – “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.”

Of course, this isn’t easy. This isn’t a natural action for most of us – to put someone else first, or to consider his or her feelings or thoughts before our own. Not consistently. Not constantly. Maybe if we’re having a good day. Until we’re not.

Culture doesn’t help. To someone who doesn’t have a relationship with the Lord, or view the Bible as an authority, this concept sounds ridiculous. Even in our churches, we hesitate to bring the subject up – this isn’t exactly the topic of discussion most want to bring up in your small groups on Sunday mornings. Even pastors who are brave enough to preach about it from the pulpit can spend weeks afterwards recovering from the emails, letters and angry conversations their congregants or parishioners corner them with in the halls between services. How chauvinistic. How anti-woman. Right?

But biblical submission is talked about in the Bible and I believe that all Scripture is inspired by God and can be used, as 2 Timothy 3:16-17 points out, to teach us and correct us and inspire us for righteousness. So surely, there’s a lesson, an important truth we need to know and put into practice when it comes to biblical submission.

The Experiment

That’s what led me to the “experiment.” I call it an experiment because that word seems a little less permanent. What I found during that year were some pretty amazing changes in my life and ultimately in my marriage, and the biggest surprise of all were the changes that occurred in my husband –and not just in me.

Early on during that year, I realized my husband had questions and uncertainties about his role as a husband and a dad just as I did with being a wife and mom – I was just more vocal about it. (Yes, that’s the nice way of putting it.) Just like me, there were things he still needed to learn, but quite often, I made it all about me (except for the times I was pointing out what he wasn’t doing that I wished he would).

Some things needed to change if we were to apply biblical submission to our marriage. I began intentionally stepping back from always having the first opinion, or always being the first one to make a decision. I waited (not always an easy thing to do). I showed (most of the time) some patience as he might think over a decision we needed to make, and I resisted the urge to decide on my timetable instead of his. I asked more questions instead of rushing to decide something. I looked for ways to be a helper to him instead of a hounder – as in hounding him to do, say and be what I thought he should.

What I noticed after a little while of doing this is that we made better decisions together, and we were often more on the same page than not. We weren’t making decisions where one person had a very definite opinion (usually me) and the other person just went along (usually him). We talked more things out and came to common resolutions more often.

For his part, Cliff began actively leading our family more. He didn’t just leave things to me that he didn’t want to do. He also listened to my opinions more carefully, weighing them with his to make more informed and hopefully better decisions. I think he felt a lot more freedom to do that when I stepped back and wasn’t so eager to be the one to call the shots.

Love His Way

Biblical submission isn’t easy, but it’s also not impossible. It’s not an overnight event. First and foremost, it starts with a willingness to obey God. Romans 8:28 has been my life verse for many, many years and can also apply to marriage. “And we know, that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” When I show love towards my husband as an act of love towards my Heavenly Father, I know He works for my good. When I show love towards my husband the way God shows love towards me, I love His way.

If you’re a wife, struggling to figure out what biblical submission looks like, don’t start with your husband. Start with your submission to God first. And if you’re a husband, wishing your wife would be more submissive? Don’t start with your wife. Start with your own obedience to God. There is an incredibly strong connection between the two.

Sara Horn is a wife, a mom and the author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife, the sequel to My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife. She’s also the founder and president of Wives of Faith, a military wives ministry (wivesoffaith.org). Visit her at sarahorn.com, where you can subscribe to her blog and get a free download of her "30 Days to Love HIS Way" devotional.

(Click on the book to buy through my Amazon affiliate link and support this ministry)

---

I'm giving away a copy of Sara's excellent book via Raffelcopter. There are a bunch of ways to increase your chance of being selected at random. Note that you can tweet about the giveaway once each day during the contest. If you win, you can choose either Kindle or paperback edition.

If you are reading this by email, you'll need to click on over to my blog to enter.

Win Sara Horn's Book

Lessons in marriage from an Olympic champion

I've been watching with interest over the past few months as the topic of submission in marriage has made headlines in the mainstream secular press.

Here are a few examples I found as I browsed through my "Post Ideas" folder:

• Actress and former "Full House" star Candace Cameron Bure, defends her views on traditional marriage roles based on her understanding of  what the Bible says about marriage in a Huffington Post interview for her book "Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose."  She explains, " The definition I'm using with the word 'submissive' is the biblical definition of that. So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength."

• Sara Horn, author of "My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife," is interviewed on the Today Show. She explains her views on biblical submission and how she discovered in her year-long "experiment" with submission how to love her husband more selflessly. (Note: On Friday Sara will be guest posting here and I'll be giving her book away as a Friday Freebie. Check back!)

• Former volleyball star Gabrielle Reece explains in an NBC news Today Show interview for her book "My Foot is Too Big for This Glass Slipper," how she saved her marriage by taking a more traditional "submissive" role. She explains, as I do, that submission is real strength, not weakness.

• Then there is this story about a book published in Italy by Constanza Miriano titled simply, "Get Married and Be Submissive."  Feminists are outraged, of course, yet it has become a national best-seller.

Where Are the Good, Strong, Loving Husband Stories?

I watched in amazement as these stories of "submissive wives" (I use quotes because I don't actually like that term used as a label) made significant mainstream headlines. I also watched the violent knee jerk reaction of those who have no grid for what the Bible says about marriage. I wondered to myself. "This is pretty amazing, seeing a more biblical view of marriage being portrayed in the mainstream media, but these are all women. So where are the corresponding husband headlines?"

To tell you the truth, I felt that most of the press's treatment of the brave women was pretty even-handed. Still, to focus solely on submission leaves out half of the biblical marriage equation. We need to see the stories about husbands who love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially, like Christ loves the church. We need headlines about husbands who understand that strength is not mutually exclusive with love and kindness.

Enter David Wise

I finally got my headline this week - at least in part. NBC did a story about Olympic freestyle skiing halfpipe gold medlist, David Wise. When I first saw the headline, "David Wise's Alternative Lifestyle Leads to Olympic Gold," I assumed it was going to be yet another story about Russia's anti-gay laws.

It turns out that the "alternative lifestyle" they refer to in the headline is one of loving husband and devoted father, which stands in contrast to many Olympic athletes' self-obsessed, party-hearty lifestyle. Hence he lives an "alternate" lifestyle in the writer's opinion.

Mr Wise, with wisdom well beyond his 23 years explains:

“I think my lifestyle — the fact that I have a little girl to take care of and a wife — really takes the pressure off of my skiing, because first and foremost I have to be a good husband and father.”

Whoa! What a whacked out sense of priorities for a champion athlete! The article gives the secret away, explaining that David attends church regularly and may one day become a pastor. Yep. Figures.

Now, I have no idea from my brief exposure to David Wise whether he and his wife share my view that the Bible calls a husbands to loving lead his wife with Christlike strength and goodness. Likewise I don't know whether Mrs. Wise would say she submits to her husband "as the church submits to Christ." They may well describe their marriage as more "egalitarian" than "complimentary" (wow, I hate those words, but I don't have better shorthand), as many young people now do.

Regardless, I'm happy to see a young, marriage-minded Christian man who has the integrity to put his wife and child above his own interest in winning an Olympic medal. I'm equally happy to see it pointed out by the mainstream press.Pretty awesome in my book.

Here's where you can help me out.  Can you point me to any other mainstream references to popular male figures who hold their wife and marriage in high value? More specifically can you find anyone willing to admit that they see themselves in a biblically mandated leadership role in their marriage?

What Submission is not: The Doormat, The Boss, and The Grouch

---

Announcing the random winner of our last Friday Freebie: Spicey won the copy of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Please contact me with your email address so I can make arrangements to get the book to you courtesy of Julie Sibert. See the Contact Scott tab on my blog.

---

In my Wives Only Wednesday post last week, Strong and Submissive, I explained how strength goes hand in hand with the submission that God calls wives to. True biblical submission has nothing to do with weakness or subjugation, as it is so often wrongly characterized.

In fact, submission actually requires strength.

Submission Misconstrued

Unfortunately, there is a pretty strong cultural push back against God's design for marriage, but I find it is mainly due to a lack of understanding of what submission really is. In an effort to dispel these common mis-characterizations, in today's post I want to explore specifically what the submission of a wife to her husband is not.

What does it mean for a husband to have the "headship" or leadership role and for a wife to respect and support him with the gift of her submission? Recall from my last post this chart:

(Note: you can find the corresponding husband's chart in my post What Headship Is Not.)

I discussed the wife of the upper right quadrant in my last post. This is the "church-like" wife the Bible describes, alluding to the fact that God designed marriage to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church.  Today I want to introduce you to the three wives represented by the other quadrants: the Doormat, the Boss and the Grouch.

The Doormat

This is probably the wife I hear described most often when people protest the notion of submission. "I'm not going to be a doormat for anyone!" The good news is your aren't supposed to be!

This wife makes the mistake of equating submission with weakness. She is often filled with self-doubt and insecurity. She thinks her opinions don't matter and that her needs are unimportant, even as the resentment over her presumed "less than" status builds. She thinks she has no voice.

The Doormat can be withdrawn from the relationship with her husband, mistaking passivity for humility. She feels uncertain of her identity in Christ, as co-heir with her husband of the full inheritance that is hers by virtue of her faith in Jesus.

The Boss

This is the wife who feels she must lay submission aside in order to show herself strong and to prove herself capable.

This wife tends to be disrespectful to her husband, her words and tone letting him know of her frequent disapproval. She will put him down to friends and family and broadcast his mistakes in order to "keep him in his place." She thinks that in order to avoid subjugation she must push for her own way. Her self-interest is front and center of most decisions.

The Boss frequently contends for power, thinking that to do otherwise shows her to be weak.

The Grouch

This wife is neither submissive nor strong, sharing some of the characteristics of both the Boss and the Doormat.

The Grouch comes across as uncaring toward her husband, from  her expressions of disrespect to her self-protective withdrawal from him. She is fearful and distrustful of any expression of leadership on his part.

She lacks the emotional strength and the integrity to deal with her husband forthrightly. She may try to bury  her emotions, but they will eventually bubble up into an outburst of some kind. 


To make the point clear, I've described the behaviors of these wives in pretty extreme terms.  Chances are none of these describes you exactly, but beware of the characteristics they portray. Be vigilant against the mindset that equates submission with weakness. And be vigilant against the prevailing sentiment against submission in any form.

Pursue strength and submission with equal vigor. Glean from your relationship with Jesus the kinds of attitudes and attributes that should attend biblical submission. If you are watchful, you will see lots of parallels between your spiritual walk and your marriage. They are everywhere.

---

A note to any husbands reading this post. The post is title Wives Only Wednesday for a reason. There is nowhere in scripture where it says your are to make your wife submit to you. Demanded or coerced submission isn't submission at all, so don't try it.

Work on your end of the marriage partnership, to love and serve your wife as Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her.  Loving your wife well will draw out both her submission and her strength.

Read my corresponding post for husbands: What Headship is Not

Submission and strength go hand in hand.

A few weeks ago I promised to follow up my two posts on biblical headship for husbands by giving wives equal time. (If you missed them, the posts are here: "Good and Strong" and "That's Not Headship").

So I turn now to looking at your role in marriage as described in the New Testament scriptures. Hang onto your hats, ladies, because we're talking about...

Submission? Today? Really?

Most of you have probably at least heard that there is something about wives and submission in the Bible. Some of you may even know the verses by heart.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

You can choose to ignore these verses or pass them off as out of date for our modern world.  But my belief is that if it's in the Bible, especially if it's in the New Testament, it's probably something God cares about today and something we should try to understand.

Seeking Understanding

Most of the women (and men) that have a problem with submission have a wrong understanding of what it actually is and what it isn't. That's what this post and my next post are about. understanding true biblical submission.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of explanation in the scriptures about submission. So people seek out understanding from a lot of different sources. For example:

• Feminism - women don't need men in the first place and calling a wife to submission is like calling her to a life of slavery.
• Culture at large - 50/50 is the best way to run a marriage. Equality is the goal. Submission is unfair.
• Wrong paradigms - Captain/first mate, pilot/co-pilot, CEO/VP, etc.

None of these sources are biblical. None of them work as a model for marriage. The one we should focus on is the only one in the Bible: marriage is to be a reflection Christ and the church. Specifically, you are to submit yourself to your husband as you do the the Lord.(No husbands are not gods or equal to Christ. It means you should glean lessons for your marriage from way in which you submit to Christ).

Submission and Strength

As I pointed out in my earlier posts for husbands, we often wrongly assume that goodness (being loving) and strength are mutually exclusive.But the corresponding call for husbands to love and lead their wives as Christ does for the church means that they should be both strong and good, just like Jesus is.

In a similar fashion, you may mistakenly think that, as a wife, you cannot be both strong and submissive. So too for you, submission and strength are both important dimensions of your role as a wife. They are not mutually exclusive.

Here is how I frame it up:

The upper right quadrant, the one labeled "church-like," is what I think the Bible calls you to as a wife: to be both strong and submissive.

Forget the notion that submission means you are are to be a slave or a doormat or a Stepford automaton. No, the church-like imperative means you are to be empowered by your husband, secure and confident in his love, with a sure sense of God-given identity and purpose. 

But your strength does not conflict at all with the call for you to honor your husband with your respect, to follow and support him in humility, or to be selfless in giving your husband your love and devotion.

The truth is that true biblical submission requires real strength. It requires you to have the mental strength to do battle with the lies you hear all around you about the 50/50 marriage paradigm, about needing to look out for yourself and to stand up for your rights. It requires the emotional strength to face your doubts and fears. And it requires strength of will to let go of your need to control, to follow God's design for your marriage and to follow your husband's lead.

Yes, you can and should be both strong and submissive in your marriage. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Your submission actually makes you powerful.  True submission is a gift you give to your husband, because when submission is demanded or coerced it isn't submission at all. The choice is wholly yours.

Where do you tend to struggle the most in your marriage, with submission or with being strong? Share your story, leave a comment.

---

Next time we'll take a look at what happens if you falter in either the strength or submission dimension of your role as a wife. Until then, you might want to check out what some other wives have to say about what submission means to them.

More Reading from wives on this topic:

• What Submissive Wives are Not by Nina Roesner of The Respect Dare

• Why More Women are Using the "S" Word by Sara Horn, author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife (book review coming soon!)

• The Submission Series - a thoughtful and thorough ten part series from Lori at The Generous Wife.

How does your own "marriage baggage" influence your thinking on roles in marriage?

It seems that few things spark a furor like the topic of male and female roles in marriage. I've read a lot of posts and comments on this topic, but I'm always amazed at the lack of grace shown on either side of the egalitarian vs. complementarian debate.

Many in the blogosphere hold strong positions  and vehemently defend them. I willingly admit that my own opinions are pretty firmly entrenched, and I'm sure there are times when I've lacked grace in my own writing. I am trying to change my ways.

I have to remind myself that we are (almost) all striving for the same goal: strong, intimate, passionate and enduring marriages. We are all just seeking what works best. That is a good thing! And it's a good thing to keep in mind as we debate the issue.

We All Have Marriage Baggage

A majority of those debating marriage roles write from their own personal experiences. The strongest opinions seem to be held by those with strongly negative experiences.

• A wife whose first husband was an abusive authoritarian dictator will often argue strongly for equality and against any form of authority. 
• A couple whose marriage was transformed from constant battle to peace and harmony through the path of submission and headship will sing the praises of such an arrangement. 
• A husband whose sexless, passionless marriage was saved when his wife decided to no longer refuse sex, will swear that "never say no again" is the only way to go. 
• A wife whose husband was "checked out" before embracing his role as a loving leader will champion the cause of strong leadership by husbands.

The same goes for what we observe first-hand in the marriages around us. The marriages of parents, family and friends will strongly influence our marriage paradigms.

• Those whose parents are happily married for 30-40-50 years in a "traditional" marriage, will often lean in that direction. 
• If your father was heavy-handed and uncaring in the exercise of his authority, chances are you'll swear that any form of authority (and therefore submission) is dangerous. 
• Have some friends whose marriage fell apart due to a husband who abused his wife or a wife who openly disrespected her husband? Those failed marriages will no doubt weigh into your marriage paradigm.

The bottom line is that most of us will form our opinions by what we have experienced as working (or not) in our own marriage(s) or what we've seen work (or not) in the marriages around us.

What Seems to Work?

So is the whole discussion of roles in marriage simply a matter of figuring out what you think/observe/experience works best in your own marriage? If it's not a question of sin (which I believe it is not), why not just "do what seems good?"

As right and practical and tempting as that seems, what do we do with what the Bible says about marriage?

Of course scripture requires interpretation and application. I believe it's important for us to wrestle with some big, important questions:

• What did God have in mind when he created the first marriage back in Eden? Does it matter today?
• What does it mean that he created us male and female and declared it "very good."
• What are the marital implications of the new covenant and grace?
• What do words like "head" and "submit" and "respect" and "love" mean in the Apostle Paul's instructions on marriage?

Ultimately we need to come to terms with what the only valid metaphor for marriage, Christ and the church, implies about God's design for marriages - marriages like yours and mine.

I'm convinced that God's heart is for marriage. It's a huge deal to him - big enough that he framed our time-bound existence with marriages as described in Genesis and in Revelation. Long before he sent Jesus to be our bridegroom, even before the dawn of time, he knew he would win for himself an eternal bride. So he set up marriage to be a picture of his loving pursuit of a bride of his own.

In the next few parts of this series, I plan to dig a bit deeper into the issue of male and female marriage roles. I will be talking about things like what it means to be masculine and feminine and why that matters. I'll be talking about how we've screwed up God's original intent and how our counter-reaction to that hasn't really fixed the problem. I'll dig into the data on some current marriage trends and tie that back to the topic at hand. We will look at scripture and parse some Greek.

Over the space of this occasional series we'll look at the topic from many different angles.

As I embark on this far-ranging series, I hope this post will serve as a reminder for us all to be aware of how your own marriage "baggage" influences our perspectives. We should be aware that to more or less of a degree we are all the product of our own experiences, good and bad. But our experiences don't necessarily dictate truth.

Regardless of our past, let's agree together to look afresh at what the Bible says about marriage, to wrestle again with the difficult questions about gender and marriage. It's worth the effort. It matters.

 

Do you want to be a GREAT husband or wife?!?
I love the way Jesus turned the idea of greatness completely upside down:

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Matthew 20:25-28

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Philippians 2:5-7

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.

John 13:14-15

Do I really need to say anything more? Is there any better place than your marriage to act on Jesus’ compelling call for us to serve one another?

It's your turn:  what do you think it means to serve your husband or wife? How have you served or been served by your spouse this week?

1. Sexual Surrender/Sexual Submission – What’s fascinating about this search it is the first time it has appeared with any significance. It jumped out of nowhere to number one. I can only attribute it to the“50 Shades of Gray” phenomena. The funny thing is that I only have ever addressed this topic in one short series, and none of the posts included anything about ropes or floggers. 

2. My Husbands Won’t Lead – This is the first time since I started checking search results (almost two years ago now) that this search term was not number one, dethroned by the “Gray” factor. I am still convinced that this is the number one issue holding marriages back today. Men have been conditioned not to dare “step up” yet many wives are desperate for them to do just that.

3. Sex – I don’t write a lot specifically about sex, though I do address it periodically in the context of discussing many other topics. The interesting and sad thing about the people finding my blog through a sincere search about sex (I threw out the obvious porn searches!) is that two thirds of the searches were related to sexual shame.  I think sexual shame is a particular problem in the Christian community, due in part to the church’s failure to deal candidly and openly with the topic. I also wonder whether or not there is a lot of shame associated with the recent explosion in popularity of erotica, particularly BDSM erotica.

4. Surrender/Submission – Off and on, I have written a lot about biblical roles in marriage, and I’ve given pretty equal treatment to the topic of a husband's headship or leadership, and a wife's submission. Consistently, however, submission gets the lion’s share of the search hits. My theory goes like this. There are a lot more wives trying to figure out how to walk out biblical submission than there are husbands looking for information on how to lead in a biblical manner (See #2 above.)

5. Intimacy/Oneness – The popularity of these search terms fall right in line with my New Reader Survey (take it now if you never have by clicking the link). Since I started the survey a few years back, the number one item people say they want to hear more about is “How to Grow in Intimacy.” What they are ultimately seeking is how to live the “one flesh” reality that the Bible describes, which includes spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy.