Journey to Surrender

My lovely wife summoned her courage and created another post. I hope you enjoy it.



Well blog writing wasn’t as painful as I thought it might be and your comments were so encouraging that I thought I would try again! This time I am writing about another incredibly thoughtful gift my husband Scott gave me several Christmases ago. It was one of the best surprises I ever received and helped get me through the toughest season of my life so far.

Here’s the background: In 1997 Scott’s mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and moved in with us. This was a decision Scott and I made together, along with his siblings and lots of guidance from God. Becoming Mom’s caregiver meant not only dealing with the gradual loss of this incredible woman but the loss of my independence and any sense of control over my household.

As the illness progressed, I became the “bad guy”, the “other woman” to my mother-in-law. In addition I never knew what would greet me as I came through the door.  For example, once I found the refrigerator disassembled with all the food defrosting on the floor.   Another time I couldn’t find my frying pans and pots only to discover she had put one on each of the dining room chairs.  Clothing and linen weren’t safe because our dear Mom would spray them with bleach thinking it was stain remover.

We developed a saying in those years, "We don't ask why!"

One Christmas, right in the middle of those crazy years, my daughters and I decided, with my husband’s encouragement, to actually go shopping on the day after Christmas, taking advantage of the sales . I have trained my girls to shop til we drop, and we had a grand time shopping all day long.

When we arrived home all was fairly quiet, so I made my way up the back stairs to our bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of blue and then suddenly I realized our bedroom had been completely transformed. Scott had pulled a “WHILE YOU WERE OUT” and set up my own sitting room space in our bedroom. A love seat, a desk, coffee table, a wall mounted TV, bookshelves and lamps, a new bedspread and wall hangings. Incredible!

I cried then and I still cry just thinking about how blessed I was. I had “lost” my home to my mother-in -law but Scott created a sanctuary for me. This was one place in the house that was my own, my refuge. I can remember just walking through our room and feeling peace and relief just knowing it was there for me whenever I needed it. I shed many tears in that room and prayed many prayers.

I don’t know how he did it but during those years Scott took care of both his mom and me. I never doubted that I came first but we both knew that for a season we needed to take care of the dear woman who gave me the man who I love most.

Taking Care of Each Other

My purpose in writing is to say that if your spouse is under great stress due to care giving or some other life circumstance, think of a way to create a haven for them.

• You can create a separate space in your home, as Scott did for me that Christmas. It doesn’t have to be a whole room; it can be a corner of a room or any other area set aside for them, decorated in their favorite way.
• If that’s not feasible, consider specifically granting him or her designated “escape time.” Thirty minutes after dinner or after they get home from work where no demands are placed on them, where they can do whatever relaxes and reinvigorates them.
• Arrange for a weekend getaway. Even if your circumstances prevent you from both being gone at once, you can take turns!

Can you think of other ways to create a haven for your weary, stressed-out spouse? Leave your ideas in the comments.

Being a long term care giver can place great demands and stress on your marriage. Even though there are tremendous physical and emotional demands on you both, make sure you make it a priority to also take care of each other.

I spent the last two posts (here and here) talking about the highlights of what’s been going on here in the last year. Overall it was a great year: I learned a lot, deepened relationships in the blogging community, and grew my readership by about five fold.

I feel like I've really settled into this whole blogging thing and have discovered that I love it!

Today I want to spend looking forward. I want to talk about my plans for the coming year and ask you for some help.


If you read my Hot Topics of 2011 post, you know that my relatively few posts that dealt directly with sex and with specific romantic ideas were among the most popular posts from last year.

So you can expect to see quite a bit more on both of these topics this year.


One of the things that really burns on my heart is reaching more church leaders with the message of the Bridal Paradigm and the power of Surrendered Marriage. But more than just getting more pastors and church leaders to read my blog, I want to equip them with helpful tools that make it easier for them to strengthen the marriages in their churches. Research is clear that those who place a high importance on faith have stronger, more enduring marriages than those who do not, but I want to see the marriages in the church so obviously amazing, strong, happy and successful that people flock to the church (and ultimately to God) to see what it’s all about.

The other group I want to reach more is the young married crowd. Somewhere around 70% of my readers have been married more than ten years. And while I greatly appreciate the longevity that represents and the wisdom that comes from experience, I have a heart to see more young couples embracing what the Bible says about marriage instead of what the culture says about marriage or what the culture says the Bible says about it.


In line with both of these reach-broadening goals, I am putting the finishing touches on the second edition of a 12-week marriage curriculum that I’ll be test-driving in another small group in my own church. I used the first edition last year in a small group that had couples married between about 5 and 25 years, but I'm hoping for more young-marrieds will sign up this time. My hope is to recruit heavily among the recent influx we’ve had of younger married couples. Once the small group cycle ends, I’ll be polishing off the materials over the summer for the third edition and packaging it up to provide to others. If I can possibly find the time, there may even be a companion ebook to go along with it. All very exciting stuff!!

You can probably look for some excerpts from the curriculum and/or the ebook here later this year.


In trying to get an understanding of the needs of my readers, I’ve been taking a fresh look at the results of my New Ready Survey. It’s clear that many of you are looking for some more practical, how-to advice for your marriage (82% express a strong interest). While I intend to continue my “Paradigm in Practice” feature,  I plan to also start offering a few simple, practical tips at the end of many posts.

The same percentage (also 82% strong interest) are looking for how to grow in intimacy. I think more sex and romance posts, as I mentioned above, will help to answer that need, but I also plan to address this topic more specifically. I wrote so much on intimacy in 2010 that last year I kind of backed off from the topic. This important issue probably needs more attention, along with some more practical, “what do I do to build intimacy” tips.

Help Me Out Here!

What have I missed? What topics do you feel are too often neglected by the marriage blogging community, by marriage books or by the church at large? Leave a comment with your suggestions as to what you’d like to read more of here. I welcome the feedback!!

At last I am delighted to present to you my wife’s very first post here at Journey to Surrender. I am hopeful it won't be her last!

For years my female friends and family have said that my husband Scott should write a book of ideas on how to romance your wife. Humble man that he is, Scott feels hesitant to announce the wonderful gestures of love he has showered on me over the almost 30 years of our marriage (not to mention our dating years!) Since beginning his blog, those same friends and now some fellow bloggers have encouraged me to write about some of his special surprises and romantic ideas.

Before I share more details, I want to express my own motivation for writing this post. I have wanted for some time to respond to the many women who fear that a submissive wife is somewhat of a slave to her husband, that she loses her “rights,” and that there will be no one to put her needs first. Not everyone is married to a man who loves her unconditionally, lays down his wishes and desires for hers and makes it his goal to cherish her, but I want to share what it looks like in my marriage as I live in submission to my husband, whose love is as Christ like as I have ever seen.


To give some background, I had just finished a pretty intense season in ministry, speaking at a conference in August, another in September, traveling to Thailand in October for five days of ministry, ten days later leading another conference plus two weeks of wonderful company. During this time, Scott was also doing more travelling than he’s ever done before.

We put our three girls on a plane to Paris (another great story) late on the Friday night before Thanksgiving. I went to bed exhausted but ready to sleep in and take the next week to get my life (and home) back in order.

Instead, this is what happened:

• Scott woke me up with a cup of tea in bed and handed me a packing list, but with no hints of where we were going.
• While I showered and packed Scott made us a yummy eggs and bacon breakfast.
• At one point in the morning he told me that Westly, our mutt, needed a biscuit. When I opened the cupboard I found some wonderful perfume with a card that announced that we were about to have a sensual, spoiling, refreshing weekend. He said that we had been pouring into many other things for months, and now it was time for us to pour into each other.
• We hopped in the car with me still unsure of our destination, and Scott announced that we would be answering some questions together periodically throughout our day. He had compiled a list from various books, blogs, and articles. (e.g. “Describe the perfect kiss”)
• We arrived at a beautiful walking park and even saw some deer! Lots of hand holding and kisses and more questions.

• Next Scott dropped me off at a nail salon, handed me another card with a gift certificate for a deluxe mani/pedi – a real treat for me!
• Scott picked me up after my relaxing nail spa experience and we arrived at an Embassy Suites. He asked me to wait in the lobby, handed me a card and told me he would text when I could open it.
• The card was an invitation to come to our room for an afternoon tea (my favorite pastime and drink of choice) Scott had gone all out with sandwiches, scones, and treats! Delicious!

• Oh, unusual dress for the tea but very romantic, new black silk robe and lingerie!
• After relaxing a bit and taking care of a few “have to’s” for our church duties on Sunday morning, Scott announced that it was time to get ready for our dinner reservation. Then he showed me the pretty new dress he had purchased for me!
• After a happy hour glass of wine and a delicious dinner I was handed a key to unlock a special box filled with little cards with gradually increasing passion ideas, the first of which was, “Kiss like you did when kissing was all you could do - five minutes minimum.”
• I’m not giving any further details on the cards but the Jacuzzi and champagne were definitely a hit!

And that was just the first day of our three day weekend together. Get the picture? Does this submission-hearted wife feel like a slave?? Only to his love!!!


Not only is this an example of Scott’s selfless love for me, planning all my favorites and spoiling me, but this post is also an example of what my submission looks like. I really balked badly at writing a post. Just did not want to! Scott didn’t demand it, but just hinted would I ever want to, on any subject. I did it because I hoped it would please him, not because I had to, because I want to make him as happy as he makes me.

It’s no secret that men and women typically process things differently. Men tend to be more the “let me go away and think it through” type, whereas women are more often the “let’s talk it out” type. My wife and I fit this somewhat stereotypical mold.

I’ve been under growing stress since returning from two glorious weeks of vacation. Many work, home and ministry pressures have been building up on me, resulting in a feeling of being rather overwhelmed. My natural reaction to stress is that I get short tempered. It’s often not pretty! It’s a long-standing personal deficiency that God is still trying to work out of me, but I’m not there yet.

As is sometimes the case when I get stressed, this week I got sharp with Jenni several times and also tended to take her attempts to encourage me as accusation, which only added to the tension between us. We were not communicating well at all! As much as I could see it happening, I was at a loss for how to reign in my emotions and get things back on a solid footing with us. It’s kind of like trying to save yourself from drowning. If you knew how to swim you wouldn’t be drowning in the first place.

As a result we withdrew further from each other emotionally. I needed time to think things over and to get a handle on what to do about my situation. Jenni was feeling hurt because we’d been close during our vacation, and now her attempts to encourage me and help bring us back together were having the opposite effect. It was difficult and painful for both of us.

Yesterday I spent a significant time in prayer, and I felt the Lord direct me to change my morning routine. To better equip myself for the day’s battles, I felt impressed to get out of bed and immediately listen to 15 minutes or so of worship music while interspersing it with prayer. This was not to be a time of major intercession for all my woes and worries, but to simply rest in his presence and start my day with Him.

So, yesterday afternoon I let Jenni know about what I felt led to do. I had “the answer” or at least a good strategy to get to one. In my mind it was (hopefully) over. But although she liked my idea very much, in her mind it was only part of it.

Fixing It vs. Fixing Us

You see, I had set about getting myself set on a better course. For me it was about seeking the fix for my problem of responding with negative emotions while under stress. But she was about fixing us, about restoring our connection. And I completely failed to see it.

Last night we decided to watch a movie. I could have given into the crush of stuff and skipped it, but I felt like we needed that time together and I was completely wiped out anyway. I snuggled close to her during the movie and touched her in ways I know she likes. But we were in two different places.

While I had processed things in my head and felt settled on my course of action, she didn’t have the benefit of all that was going on in my mind. I was thinking that all that was needed was to get myself in a better place to handling my stress and we would no longer be separated. But we hadn’t had the chance to talk things through, which for her was necessary for things to feel resolved.

In order for her to overcome the feeling of separation it meant talking through what happened and why. For example, she wanted to understand why I felt accused when she was attempting to help me and to be forgiven for any wrong she may have done. She wanted us to reconcile what happened in order to reconnect.

As much as she appreciated my functional fix, what she wanted wasn’t functional in nature – it was relational. The thoughts in my head weren’t enough; she wanted conversation and closure.

Note To Self

I need to remember that sometimes the solution isn’t the answer. At least it isn’t the whole answer.

There are many times when my introspective, factual-based, problem-solving nature comes in handy. But I’ve realized that there are also times when I need to be more transparent with my wife through the process, especially when the issue affects our relationship. To maintain intimacy when things get strained, she needs to know what I’m thinking and feeling as I work toward the solution to the problem.

What about you? Have you fallen into the same trap as I have? Do you find that the way you process through a problem is different that how your spouse does? More to the point, does your method of working things out leave your spouse in the dark and in need of connection?

I’d love to hear your own experiences with this issue and any trick you’ve found to deal with it!

I am sometimes astounded by what qualifies as news. But once in a while I come across an obscure news tidbit that speaks directly to something I feel strongly about.

Such is the case with this story.  Apparently, according to the story, during a NASCAR pre-race prayer a Nashville pastor raised some eyebrows when, a la Ricky Bobby and "Talladega Nights," he thanked God for his “smokin’ hot wife.”

I’m not going to argue the merits of making such a statement during a public prayer or whether using a quote from pop culture was the best choice of words, but I do want to commend the man for publicly praising his wife.

This leads me to ask a tough question. And it’s one that I hope you will consider honestly.

If I were to ask your friends, family and co-workers how you feel about your spouse, what would they say?

Does the thought make you cringe a bit? It shouldn’t.

Speaking Appreciation Behind Their Back

What do you say about your spouse when he or she isn’t around? Are you careful to always show him or her honor, respect and admiration or do you join in the complaints and criticisms that so many are prone to engage in?

Do you tend to complain to your family about your spouse’s habits or behaviors? Do you do so hoping to prove that you have a “right” to be unhappy about them? Are you looking for weapons to use against your spouse? “My mother agrees that you really should be doing the dishes more.” “My brother’s wife is always refusing to have sex too. We just don’t think that’s fair.” If you have issues in your marriage (and what marriage doesn’t) you owe it to your spouse to deal with them directly and not the court of public opinion. Complaining to others in an attempt to sooth your own conscience or make your case will only make the problems worse.

Even if you only sit quietly by during spouse-deriding banter at your office, you are doing your husband or wife a disservice. Are you willing to be the one to throw a wet blanket on the jesting and publicly make statements of appreciation about your spouse? Eyes may roll and you may endure some derision yourself, but realize that these responses only come from jealousy.

Let Them Hear You

You can probably pick a better moment than a public prayer at a car racing event, but I encourage you to watch for appropriate opportunities to praise your spouse when they are within earshot. It is important not only to speak positively about your spouse and marriage when your husband or wife is not around, but also make a point to praise your spouse to others when they can hear it.

Let your words of affirmation be genuine and appropriate for the context. Don’t be too over-the-top – even subtle statements can work wonders for making your spouse feel loved, and that’s really the point. It’s OK if your publicly expressed sentiments make your introverted or demurring spouse a little uncomfortable with the attention, but also be sensitive to his or her personality. Regardless of personality, I promise it will greatly bless your spouse to hear you sing their praises.

Of course you should also show appreciation to your spouse in private - the praises you offer in public certainly should come as no surprise. But in my opinion, private praises alone aren’t enough.  Let your love be known!

After our anniversary date, which consisted of a nice dinner and a show, I read my last post to my wife as a sort of anniversary card.

While she greatly appreciated my loving words, she was a bit concerned that it might leave the wrong impression. She felt it was important that I also clearly explain how my own attitudes and actions of surrender have led her to the kind of loving surrender that I described last time.

I hesitated at first, thinking it was going to sound too much like blowing my own horn. But as I thought about it, I decided she was right. So here is my shot at telling the rest of our Surrendered Marriage story.

His Love Comes First

The truth is that my wife’s willingness to love me in a manner reflective of how the church loves Jesus (with things like, trust, service, honor, submission and commitment) is because of and in response to the Christ-like love I have shown her. Of course my love is but a faint reflection of the infinite, selfless, unconditional, and perfect love of Jesus, but I have made it more than clear, for years and years, that my desire is to love her more and better than any other human could, to come as close as possible to loving her as Jesus does.

She knows my heart and that my heart is for her. In fact, I have made it clear to her that my number one goal is to serve her and to love her well. It is every husband’s responsibility and should be every husband’s goal: love your wife selflessly, daily and tangibly, in the things you say and the things you do.

This is not some optional theory. It is the basis of God’s design for marriage. Period.

It’s All Mutual

Everything I said in my previous post, about how my wife knows me and loves me and takes delight in delighting me is true in the reverse. I have spent our entire married life learning about her, about who she is, how she is wired, gifted and called. I do all I can to see that my leadership of our marriage and family causes her to thrive and to step fully into the destiny that God has on her life. I am purposeful in delighting her, because her happiness and fulfillment are my highest earthly priority.

In my case, it consists of things like knowing how she likes her tea and making it for her most mornings, even though I am not a tea drinker myself. She also loves it that I collect tea bags during my business trips around the world and bring them to her. I schedule and re-schedule trips to make sure I am home for special occasions or whenever family needs dictate. She knows she can call me anywhere, anytime, and I will drop whatever I’m doing to attend to her needs. Whether she is lost and needs directions, has an issue with one of the children, or just needs reassurance about something, she knows I am there for her and that she is my priority.

I am far from the perfect husband. But I do everything I can to make sure she feels as blessed to be married to me as I do to be married to her.

100-100

Perhaps we haven’t yet arrived at the ideal state: the 100-100 marriage that I talk about here often, where we each are giving 100% to the other, holding nothing back. Still, that is our goal.

We are both able to be who we really are with each other, and that is a wonderfully freeing thing. As we strive toward being completely one in spirit, soul and body, we know that each of us has grace for the other’s shortcomings and mistakes. We try to give and receive that grace freely. It is this understanding that allows us to be “naked without shame” with each other; that is, to be genuine with each other, to bring the fullness of ourselves to our marriage, without pretense, trepidation or shame.

As husband, I realize that I set the cap on how much blessing we enjoy in our marriage. So I aim high! I encourage every husband to do the same.

Twenty nine years ago today, a beautiful, sweet and amazing young woman gave herself to me. I suppose she really had no idea what she was getting herself into, but I was deliriously happy that she was more than willing, even excited, to spend her life with me.

I had loved the girl for five years and dated her a bit more than for four. (You can read the rest of that story here). She was my dream come true. I had known it since our first kiss. And suddenly she was mine, and our adventure through life together, our own Journey to Surrender, began.

Here we are today, twenty nine years in. Hard to believe, really, that it has been that long. And we are more in love now than ever. I can say that with all sincerity. Our love is deeper, stronger and sweeter than it has ever been. I am convinced that’s how it is supposed to be. Still I am very thankful that I am among the few who get to say that.

I am a very blessed man!

She Gets Me

Jenni knows me to the core. She has a deep understanding of who I am, how I am wired and how God has gifted and called me. Yes, she knows my quirks and weaknesses as well, but loves me in spite of my shortcomings.

She has invested herself over the years in knowing me. Her time, her effort and her prayers have all gone into finding out what makes me who I am. It hasn’t always come easily and it didn’t necessarily come quickly. It took years. That’s part of the Journey. The truth is that this part of our love relationship never stops. As I grow, mature and change, her understand of who I am must grow along with me.

There is great comfort and freedom in knowing that she knows me so well. And I know that she loves who I am.

She Loves Me

My wife loves me and loves me well.

She is willing to look past my failings and shortcoming, to give grace in the places that I have not fully matured, and to love me “as if” I was already the man God intends me to be. She sees in me what I can be, not just what I am.

She strives to love me as the church loves Jesus. She loves me for the protection and provision I give her, but more than that she believes in my desire to love her with Christ-like love, even when I fall short of that ideal. Her gift of submission to me, of following my lead and remaining under my covering, does not always come naturally or easily (she has an admitted strong-willed streak).

And she is generous in showing her love:

She Delights Me

My wonderful wife is purposeful in doing things that she knows make me happy. She has spent her life learning my desires and dreams, and she goes out of her way to make them come true. She delights in delighting me.

She will say that her young love was selfish and that it took her years to learn to be more selfless. I would say that she has always loved me selflessly, but it is true that through the years, as she has come to know me more deeply, she knows better how to please me.

I could rave on her more. (For example, she is beautiful, fun, loves life and knows how infuse every little thing with joy.) But you have probably already stopped believing me.

The long and the short of it? I love this woman deeply and passionately. And I consider myself to be a very blessed man.

I’ve seen various comments against Kate’s decision not to include a commitment to obey William in her vows. (If you don’t know which Kate and William I am referring to, what hole have you been in?). Some of the discussion has been rather caustic. Equally caustic has been the counterargument from those who are horrified at the thought of a vow to obey.

As near as I can tell, despite what I’ve seen claimed by others, obedience of a wife to her husband is not commanded in the Bible. Submission, yes, but not obedience, and to me these are different but related things. In Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3, children are directed to obey their parents, but in these same chapters wives are directed to submit to their husbands. For me, the scripture’s choice of a different word is meaningful.

Now, I realize that there is almost as much contention over the question of submission as there is the issue of obedience, so maybe for some it’s a moot point. In the next few weeks I want to revisit this topic in full, but for now let’s stick with looking at the difference between submission and obedience.

As I often do, I look to the relationship between Jesus and the church (the bridal paradigm) to provide insight into this question.

Does Jesus command our obedience?

I don’t have space to completely unpack my argument for this, but I believe that Jesus is more interested in relationship than rules. I’m not saying that obedience does not matter; but that Jesus would rather have an intimate relationship with us than have us simply dutifully following a bunch of rules.

But doesn’t scripture say we are to obey? Let’s take a closer look.

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

John 14:23

If you read the context of that verse, to me it clearly conveys that what Jesus is essentially saying is, “If you love me, then the things that matter to me will matter to you.” The goal is dwelling together in intimacy (make our home together); obedience is a byproduct.

And this is exactly the attitude I think we should have in marriage. Rather than obeying because obedience is demanded or pledged as part of a wedding vow, we should strive to understand the things that matter to our spouse (I believe this applies to husbands and to wives) and strive to honor those things in the things we do and say.

Here’s a tiny example. I happen to hate gum – pretty much everything about it. I don’t like where it often ends up, the smell, the way it looks when people chew it, or the way it sounds when people smack it. I know that I am slightly irrational in this, and I do my best not to hold my gum-prejudice against others. However, my wife knows this about me, and she offered some years ago to give up gum chewing around me. I never demanded it or even asked her to do this. She offered of her own volition because she knew it mattered to me. She happens to like gum, but out of respect for my wishes, she was willing to sacrifice her own preferences. She has also insisted that the children not chew gum around me as well (they are children and requiring obedience is appropriate and scriptural). She even told me the other week that she has decided to give it up altogether for my sake. She has chosen to honor me in this. It really has nothing to do with obedience.

Surrender vs. Obedience

A mutually surrendered marriage, which is the model I espouse here at Journey to Surrender, more or less takes obedience out of the question.

A husband’s surrender takes the form of loving, sacrificial leadership of his wife and home. It’s not about controlling or subjugating his wife, but serving her and cherishing her. Commanding obedience has little place in walking out a husband’s God-given authority. Building intimacy and displaying Godly character come first. I believe there are few, if any, circumstances that call for a husband to use his authority to demand obedience. That’s just not how Jesus loves us and therefore not how husbands should love their wives.

A wife’s surrender, at least in part, takes the form of submission to her husband. Her priority is to show love for her husband by honoring and respecting him in all things. She does not require him to command or control her in order for her to serve him bless him. It is the desire of her heart and comes in response to the knowledge that he would lay down his very life for her.

He loves, leads and serves her. She loves, honors and submits to him. It’s a beautiful exchange that I have described like this in my “What is a Surrendered Marriage” overview page.

A bridal paradigm marriage is not a power sharing arrangement. Rather, it is a power exchange relationship. The husband’s power is given in the form of the sacrificial and selfless way he loves and leads his wife. The wife’s power is given in the form of loving submission to her husband. The beauty of the bridal paradigm lies in what it calls you to give rather than what it permits you to demand. Asserting your “rights” [such as demanding obedience] has no place in the bridal paradigm because by design it is uncalled for. In fact, demanding that your partner adhere to their side of the bargain runs in opposition to the bridal paradigm itself.

I added the [ ] about obedience in order to put this in the context of today’s discussion.

So what do you think about the question of wifely obedience? Do you agree or disagree with my perspective? I would love to hear your thoughts either way.

Of all days to be stricken with a 24 hour stomach bug, it had to be Valentines Day!

I knew when I woke up something wasn’t right. I’ll spare you the details, but at one point I did wonder if it was the salmon from the local farmer’s market that had struck its revenge.

We had agreed not to exchange gifts, which is always hard for me, but our gift to each other would instead be to spend the entire day together. Pressing through my physical symptoms I was determined not to let them stand in the way of our Valentines Day plans. I struggled to pretend it was nothing. My headache could just have been one of my frequent sinus flare-ups. Right? I had arranged to have the day off of work, and after getting our daughter off to school, allowing Jenni to sleep in for a change, we snoozed a while longer together. I made us breakfast sandwiches, and we shared our quiet times snuggled together, reading and praying, before going on a walk at the local park, enjoying the gorgeous, sunny 60+ degree weather. Thus began the lovely first half of our plans for the day.

But I was on a pretty steady decline. We had lunch at Jenni’s favorite Chinese restaurant, where I managed nothing more than a bowl of wonton soup. Upon our return, I could do nothing more than fall into bed (alone), now with a small fever and all-over body aches. I was mostly passed out there until this morning, when I awoke feeling much better, although with lingering after-effects that vaguely resemble a mild hangover.

The other thing that was lingering with me earlier today was the disappointment over being so sick on what is (at our house at least) always a very important day. Then Jenni reminded me that even though it didn’t turn out quite how we had hoped, it was so nice and special to have the morning together, so relaxed and so close. I love her for her glass-half-full outlook on things. She also reminded me that we’ll have a lot of together time attending the LIFT worship conference together. It’s always a huge blessing when we can share in one another’s ministries, and it’s been probably more than ten years since we attended a conference like this together.

So I got to thinking how silly it is to be disappointed over one day that didn’t quite meet my expectations. The reality is that I have 364 other days in which to make up for it!

Disappointment Leaves You With a Choice

I won’t ask for a show of hands, but do you too sometimes struggle over what to do with disappointments?

Here’s what my little bout with a bug has taught me: If I let disappointment rule my way forward, it only extends the misery and prevents me from overcoming the circumstances.

I could choose to be depressed and miserable about being “robbed” of our Valentines Day plans, which would likely lead to Jenni and I spending the rest of the week disconnected and less intimate. Or I can choose to simply say, “It was unfortunate to wind up sick on Valentines Day, ” but set it in my mind to respond by making it Valentines Week instead.

Why should I let the consequences of the flu last all week? No reason.

So the next time you face a disappointment in your marriage, instead of letting the circumstances rule you, make a choice to compensate in the opposite direction of whatever caused your disappointment.

• Have a bad date? Schedule another one (or two) and determine to make it wonderful.
• Unhappy with the gift you received on the last special occasion? Decide to go “gift-free” next time and simply be together.
• Dissatisfied with sex one night? Plan something special or different for your next encounter or see if you can set a record for most days of sex in a row!
• Feeling bad about yourself for how you handled your last disagreement?  No, don't plan more disagreements, but go to your spouse, admit your mistake, seek forgiveness, and ask specifically how you could have responded better, more clearly or created less contention. 

Next time you are disappointed, determine to break the momentum of the disappointment by deliberately working in the opposite direction.

I posted last time about the recent Pew Research study in which 39% of poll respondents agreed that marriage is on a general trend toward obsolescence. Of that percentage there were probably many who didn’t see that as a big deal, maybe some who welcome the idea, and possibly others who are alarmed by the notion. For the record, I count myself in the final category.

For those of us “pro-marriage” types, this study begs the question:

“What are we doing to promote marriage?”

Now as important as I think political engagement is, such as voting in leaders who support a biblical view of marriage and the like, that’s really not what I’m asking about. So maybe I need to rephrase the question to focus a bit more narrowly:

“What are you doing on a regular basis to demonstrate how important your own marriage is to your life, to the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams, and to your daily happiness?”

You see I’m convinced that the attack on marriage comes primarily from the high profile of so many failed and miserable marriages, not only in the general media and among our pop star culture, but also from individuals among their friends. How many of your friends gossip together about how wonderful so-and-so’s marriage appears or how happily-in-love that new couple in church seems to be or even how much you love and admire your own husband or wife?

How many positive marriage role models do we hold up to others?

Honoring what is honorable

In my church we talk a lot about honoring what is honorable to the Lord. What we mean by that is that we want to support, shine a light on and glorify those things that God sees as good, right and holy. I can’t think of many things the Lord would want to honor more than strong, happy, successful, and enduring marriages.

With that in mind, I’m going to toss out a few ideas as to how we can, in our own sphere of influence of friends, family and co-workers, honor marriage. The idea is NOT to promote ourselves as being better than other married folks, so some caution needs to be added to the way in which this is done, but here are a few low-key ideas:

• Don’t hold back from saying “I love you” or using other words of affection to your spouse when you are talking to them on the phone when others might overhear.
• Tell your friends about great date spots you and your spouse have found. Mention how important it is to you that you have regular date nights.
• In an appropriate setting, re-tell something special or thoughtful your husband or wife has done for you recently.
• Hold hands in public. Depending on your comfort level with PDA, even hold each other and/or kiss in public.
• If you see an obviously happy couple, don’t deride them to your friends but praise them. ”Isn’t it great to see such a strong and happy marriage.”
• Ask another couple how you can pray for their marriage. Then do it.
• Ask another couple to pray for your own marriage. Offer to exchange regular prayer support.
• Get involved in the marriage blogging community: read, comment, and pass on good stuff you find to your friends and family via email, Facebook and Twitter (I’ve got easy links at the end of each post, as do most bloggers).
• Ask your church to start a marriage small group or Sunday school class. Better yet, offer to start one with your spouse. You don’t have to have all the answers, just a willing heart.
• Never tear down your spouse in front of your friends. Rather, praise them and express thankfulness for marriage and your spouse. Be generous with positive words.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head. There are tons more possibilities.

But I’m Not Happy!

Maybe you are saying to yourself, “My marriage isn’t all that great and I’m not really so happy.”

Go back and re-read the list above. Almost nothing on that list requires you to first be in a joyously thriving marriage. You can take concrete steps to support strong marriages regardless of the shape your own marriage is in.

And here’s the thing, I can almost guarantee that if you start doing those kinds of things, your own marriage WILL be happier. Period.

So what do you think? Are you ready to promote strong marriages, the institution of marriage, and your own marriage in particular? Can you think of other ways to do that besides what I have listed?

In the next few weeks we’ll be wrapping up the marriage small group that my lovely wife and I have been leading. It’s been great fun, and we’ve learned a lot by working through each of the twelve marriage principles that formed the basis for our weekly discussions. As part of most weekly lessons, we developed some simple, practical exercises meant to prompt action and discussion around the week’s topic. I thought I’d post a few of these exercises here in an attempt to answer the call for more practical, actionable marriage suggestions.

Yes, I just spent most of the last few posts (part 1 here and part 2 here) explaining why it is more important to think the right way about your marriage and your role in it than it is to just do the things that someone else prescribes. But I thought sharing these exercises might spur you on to some thoughtful action. Almost all the exercises are open ended and designed to get you to think about your marriage and your spouse anyway. You won’t find a lot of “just do this” in the exercises.

The first joint exercise is actually something I posted way back here. It is designed to answer two questions. The first one is, “Does your spouse really know what you love about him or her?” The second one is, “Do you know what your spouse loves about you?” If you didn’t do it yet I strongly suggest you take the time to do it now. It can be very revealing.

The other exercise is one I’ll call the “Little Love List.” The idea is this:

• Make a list of 10 “little things” that you know your spouse appreciates as a gesture of love.
• By little things, I mean it shouldn’t be anything that requires major planning, expense or extraordinary effort.
• It may be something to which he or she has responded to positively in the past or something they have expressed as a wish. The idea is to think in terms of what love expressions mean the most to them. It may not be anything that floats your boat, but your boat isn’t the point.
• Over the next ten days, make it a point to do one little love expression each day. You don’t have to make a religion out of it. Be flexible as you need to be. The main thing is to do it consistently over a period of time.
• Plan these things into your to do list or your daily routine. Making a deliberate attempt to show love to your husband or wife not only shows them your love in their terms, but it also gets you into the habit of thinking of ways to bless your spouse..

There’s a follow up part to the exercise we did that is also helpful. (We did it as part of the next week’s exercises). At the end of the ten days, or however long it takes you to work through your list, show your spouse the list and let them give you some feedback on it. Did you put some things on the list that really don’t say “I love you” to them? Are there some little love expressions that would see as more suitable? Use the feedback to improve your list and keep it handy. Pull it out periodically, and do something on the list.


If you do the exercise, stop by and let us know how it went for you. I’d love to hear your stories about what you learned from the exercise.

First an apology for my previous paltry posting performance. I can’t believe it’s been more than ten days since my last post!

Prompted by the number of new respondants, I just took a glance at the latest reader poll results for some direction on what readers are interested in next. (If you missed my series on the most requested topic, intimacy, be sure to go back here and check it out.) It turns out that a close second in requested topics is “practical marriage tips and advice.”

As I thought about what that really means, I decided I should have thought about what that means before I put it in my survey. Oh well, live and learn. I decided, after much consideration, that people are asking this question: “What should I do to make my marriage better?”

One Size Does Not Fit All

It’s a good and valid question. Unfortunately it’s one that’s difficult to answer. I was struck by this post by Paul at The Generous Husband that decries one-size-fits-all marriage advice that guarantees to fix your marriage if you just “do this.” It’s as if some think there is a magic three step set of things to do that will miraculously and effortlessly catapult every marriage to new heights. I’m with Paul: Hogwash!

Now I understand our propensity for quick, straightforward answers. I am a problem solver by nature and by training as an engineer. It’s what I do. But here’s the thing: universal advice is universally worthless. I understand that, and so I think that’s why I shy away from offering much in the way of prescriptive solutions to marriage issues. Every couple is made of unique individuals and when you bring them together you get uniqueness squared.

I don’t pretend to have a panacea.

Instead what I focus on is a way of thinking about your marriage and your role in it. I spend a lot of effort identifying and explaining the principles involved, mostly based on what the Word of God says about marriage, about love, focusing a lot on insights from the kind of Bride-Bridegroom relationship we have with Jesus.

I’ve said before that “right thinking will lead to right doing.” If I were to focus more on the doing part of the equation instead of the thinking part, chances are my advice would miss the mark by a wide margin. Because, truthfully, you are going to be much better at figuring out what to do than I would be. It’s first about getting your head and your heart in the right place so that you can apply these marriage principles to whatever real-life situations arise in your relationship.

Maybe you’re thinking that’s just a copout on my part. Nah, it’s just the truth. I don’t have the answers to what you should do (sorry to burst your bubble) but you probably do.

Right Thinking, Right Being

As a footnote/addendum/clarification/extension to my postulation of “right thinking leads to right doing,” let me add, “Right thinking also leads to right being.”

By that I mean that when you begin to internalize the marriage principles that God lays out for us and begin to understand God’s design for marriage, it slowly will begin to transform who you are as a husband or a wife. Over time these principles move from your head to your heart as they become part of who you are and as you step more fully into your role.

Although thinking about your marriage and your role in the right way will help you make decisions that grow your marriage and solve your problems, it’s when you get to place of right being that you can be most consistent at right doing.

There, I’ve done it. I’ve managed to answer the “What should I do?” question without actually answering it at all. Sorry to disappoint. But I do believe strongly in this idea of how important it is to see your marriage, your self and your spouse in the right way. It’s much better advice that if I’d just said:

1. Husbands – buy your wife a diamond.
2. Wives – give your husband more sex.

I’ve wanted to do this post for a while now and was finally prompted to pose this question by an exercise in our marriage small group for this week. I wanted to ask for your perspectives before writing my own thoughts later this week.

The question is this:

What do you do when you and your spouse are simply unable to agree on a decision that needs to be made?

In asking this I’m assuming the normal proposed compromises, prayers and conversations have all already taken place, but there is still an impasse.

Here are some possibilities to consider of what a husband should do at that point:

1. Wait for her to agree
2. Wait until God changes either person’s mind in the matter.
3. Give in for the sake of keeping the “peace”
4. Make the decision based on his convictions

You can answer from either of two perspectives:

• How you actually handle this in your own marriage?
• How do you think it should be handled?

I value your thoughts and would greatly appreciate hearing from you!

I’ve taken the plunge. My wife and I have signed up to lead a marriage small group at our church this fall. It’s a leap of faith in a way, but it also feels like a logical next step in my desire to help empower and equip couples to pursue great biblical marriages.

Why am I posting about it here? Two reason, actually. The first is to ask if any of you have experience either in leading or participating in such a marriage group. If you do, I would deeply appreciate hearing about your experiences, the good and the bad. I’ve led lots of small groups, so I’m fine with the general leadership issues, but I am interested if you have any suggestions for a marriage group in particular that would help me steer clear of the ditches! Please either email me or leave a comment with your suggestions and tips.

Second, I am inviting you to become a virtual member of our small group. I’ll explain what that means and how to sign up in a bit, but first let me explain why I’m doing this.

Seeking Practical Advice?

Next to the topic of intimacy, the survey showed the highest level of interest by readers was for more practical marriage suggestions. My sense is that it isn’t clear what exactly you should DO to pursue the kind of surrendered marriage described here in my blog. I spend a lot of time laying the scriptural foundations of the bridal paradigm, and my focus here is mostly oriented toward changing your marriage mindset. But I think many of you are asking, “But how do I actually start on this Journey to Surrender?”

My intention for the small group is to balance the teaching dimension with real-life practical exercises and honest dialogue about applying the principles on a daily basis. It is my first chance to test drive the stuff I’ve been writing, and I’m inviting you to come along for the ride. The small group is centered on 12 biblical principles that I’ve identified as the keys to a surrendered marriage. Each week will focus on a different principle and will include specific insights and exercises for husbands and wives separately as well as together as a couple.

Join With Us!
Please consider joining the FREE 13 week online version of this small group to receive the weekly insights and exercises via email.  To join just click on the survey button below and join as a Recipient.  I am considering putting up a private discussion blog for the group. If that is something you are also interested in, please join as a Participant (this forum is open to small group participants only).


Sign up today, because the group starts next week!

I thought it might be useful, as a follow up to my last post, to write a letter to the pretend wife of the pretend husband who is going through a tough time and feels unable to be the kind of leader he desires to be. If you missed part one of this discussion, "Letter to a Weary Husband," you might want to go back and read it now.

If you are the wife of a husband who honestly agrees to his role as leader of your home, but is going through a season that seems to have him distracted from his duties and unable to be the strong leader, how can you best help him?

Dear Wife of Weary,

Thanks for your email asking how to best help your struggling husband. First of all, be thankful that he is at least agrees with the biblical concept of him being the spiritual, physical and relational covering for you and your kids. From my experience, that is more than half the battle. It’s much easier to help him do something he wants to and knows he should do than it is to convince him that he should do it in the first place.

Since I don’t know the details of what he is struggling against or the particulars of his circumstances, I can’t address those specifically. But what I can do is tell you the kinds of things most men need in a similar situation. These are all things my own wife has done for me that have helped me through hard times. Of course, every man is different, so truthfully, he is the best one to tell you what he needs. But in case he is unwilling or unable to do so, consider these general pointers.

• Believe in him - He needs to hear that you believe in him and that no matter what he is up against you have faith in him to conquer it.
• Encourage him - He wants to know that you are on his side, that you are there for him, and that you want to help him. Tell him so, and ask him what you can do for him.
• Watch your approach - Because he probably already is feeling accused by the circumstances, understand that he is probably pretty vulnerable to mis-interpreting what you say as further accusation, even though I know that isn’t your intent. Try not to sound like you are trying to “fix” him or tell him what he needs to do, but let him know you simply want to stand with him. Especially now, he needs to feel your respect.
• Respond calmly - I know this one is hard, but to the extent possible try not to respond to his emotions or try to talk him out of them. I’m not saying let him be mean or abusive toward you, but just try to add stability to the situation by remaining calm and unemotional yourself. You do have the power to help diffuse his negative emotions.
• Get Physical – This is another really hard one, especially if he is withdrawn or angry, but try to reach out to him with physical intimacy. Sit close to him. Hold hands. Snuggle up to him in bed. Kiss him. Make love to him. I know I’m asking a lot, but if you withhold physical intimacy until he “get’s better” he will take it as rejection and judgment.
• Pray - Pray for him and let him know that you are doing so. Offer to pray with him. This is a time when he might not take the initiative to lead you in prayer.

Maybe you think it isn’t fair of me to ask all this of you when he clearly isn’t holding up his end of the bargain in terms of your marriage roles. But marriage really isn’t about fair, it’s about doing for the other when he/she is unable to do for his/her self. It’s about grace and love in the face of difficulty. 

He needs you even more when he is struggling than when he’s got it all together, and if he knows you have come along beside him in this, it will propel him forward, and in turn propel your marriage forward.

I’ll be praying for the hand of God to be on you, your husband and your marriage.

Blessings,
Scott

If you were the wife of a struggling husband, how would you respond to my suggestions? If you are a struggling husband, is there anything you’d add to the list above? Please chime in with your thoughts.

What do you do when life hits you in the face, causing you to feel unable or unwilling to be the kind of leader in your home that you know you should be? When disappointments and difficulties overwhelm your desire to stand strong in your authority, how do you get back on your feet again? I could pretend that this never happens to me, but that would be a lie. As a matter of fact, I’ve been struggling through such a season in recent weeks, and in the hopes of helping other guys who might find themselves in similar situations, I decided to address this very real issue head on.

In preparing this post, I decided to pretend to be that guy – that husband who just feels too beat up to stand up and lead (OK not so much pretend). I supposed that I stumbled across my blog via a Google search about husbands and leadership, which isn’t a stretch since I seem to get a lot of hits from similar searches. After roaming through the blog and not finding anything that directly addressed my dilemma, I supposed that I wrote the blog’s author with a direct question something like this.

Hi Scott,

I came across your blog today and I found some good stuff here. I agree with much of what you write about the roles of husbands and wives, but I have a question that I didn’t see addressed anywhere.

What do I do when I just feel like I can’t lead right now, when difficult circumstances and bitter disappointments cause me to be withdrawn into myself, moody, and even angry? I know I’m supposed to be this good, faithful, strong leader, but right now I just don’t have it in me. Please help me get back on track.

Weary Husband

So how would I reply to someone like Weary Husband, who, like me, finds himself struggling with the burden of leadership in the face of difficult circumstances? I tried to step back and be objective, forgetting for a moment that it was actually I who wrote the inquiry. (Not to worry I’m not going schizophrenic.) Here is what I think I would say.

Hi Weary Husband,

Thanks for your email. I’m sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now. I’ve had those kinds of seasons of struggle myself, so I definitely identify with you.

Let me start by saying I don’t just want to quote platitudes to you or tell you what you “should” be doing. When you already feel beat up, you don’t need more legalistic junk piled on top of it. So receive what I say as encouragement. I simply want to hand you a set of tools to help you out with what you are trying to do. Which ones you use and what you do with them are totally up to you.

First of all, it’s important to remember that authority over your family is not something you earn – a husband’s headship is a God-ordained biblical principle. In times of stress I sometimes forget that whether I’m leading well, poorly, or not at all my role doesn’t change. So when you don’t feel up to the task, I might suggest you turn to the One who gave you the assignment in the first place. Maybe you found the post from a while back where Matt from the band Sanctus Real prayed, “God I need you to lead me so I can lead them. I can’t do this on my own.” That’s a good prayer. Sometimes just the acknowledgement that we need help can help lift the weight off.

Next, remember that your leadership comes out of the attitude of your heart. I know your heart probably feels bruised by your circumstances, so it can be hard to keep your mind in the game, to keep your emotions in check and to maintain the right priorities. Sometimes we just need to feed our souls with a few basic truths about what constitutes godly leadership toward your wife and family.

• Be real – You probably came across the phrase I like to use about getting real with each other. I call it being “naked without shame.” Us guys don’t always like to admit our problems – we are afraid of looking weak or something. But your wife loves you and knowing what is going on with you helps her feel connected to you, even in your struggle. And don’t make the mistake I often do of thinking that I don’t need to tell her again because I told her last week and nothing has really changed. Keep her constantly in the loop of what you are dealing with.
• Love your wife unconditionally – that means regardless of your own condition too. Remember that the Bible defines your headship role in terms of love. That doesn’t mean you have to be some kind of fake Mr. Romantic. Just remind her that your struggles don’t change how you really feel about her, though it may sometimes affect your ability to express it like you normally would. She needs reassurance of your love.
• You don’t have to have all the answers – I know I sometimes make the mistake of thinking leadership means having all the answers to everything. It doesn’t. The authority God has given you doesn’t come with some kind gift of omniscience. But he has given you a loving wife, good friends, and godly pastors to help you figure it out. Asking for help doesn’t make you are a failure.
• Tell her what you need – It’s true that Jesus is our role model for leadership and that in him we find the heart of a servant and not an overbearing dictator. But that doesn’t translate into never asking for what you need from your wife. I forget that sometimes. She usually wants to help carry your burden, but she may not know what she can do to help. Tell her, in loving terms, how she can help you. Maybe you don’t’ know exactly, but be as specific as possible.

I hope some of this was helpful to you. I’ll also point you to a few other posts that may be of use here  and here .

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ll be praying for the hand of God to be on you and your marriage as you work through this difficult season.

In Christ,
Scott

What do you do when you feel like you aren’t able to stand strong in your place of authority in your home? Do you have any advice for Weary Husband?

Kudos to Stu over at The Marry Blogger, who shared this video of Matt from the Band Sanctus Real sharing the story behind the song "Lead Me."  Go check it out.  Also check out the new video on the band's website where both Matt and his wife, Sarah, tell the story of the struggles and conflict in their marriage.  (The YouTube version here.)

I find it extremely timely given my recent series on headship and submission. 

The short story is this.  Matt had been so caught up in his music career that he was not being there for his family.  His wife confronted him on it, saying that she needed him.  She needed him to be present, to be the spiritual leader in their home, to be strong for her and the family, to be the rock they needed.

Matt chose to respond by turning to the Lord and saying, in effect, "God I need you to lead me so I can lead them.  I can't do this on my own."  This cry was the inspiration for the song "Lead Me."

How would you respond if your wife came to you and told you she needed you to do a better job of leading her and your family?  Would you get defensive?  Would you get angry?  Would you resent the implication that you aren't doing enough?  Or would you respond as Matt did, by resolving within yourself to be the kind of man God calls all husbands to be, to be the kind of man your wife needed?  Would you turn inward with guilt and shame?  Would you turn outward with anger and resentment?  Or would you turn upward, to your heavenly Father and ask him to help you fullfill your calling as a husband?

How do you think you would respond to such a challenge from your own wife?

A short time back, as we were driving back from a trip to Alabama where Jenni had gone to do some training in Children’s ministry (she rocked it btw!), I asked her to review something I’d written as a summary overview of a surrendered marriage and the bridal paradigm. Given my previous post on the truth in tension, I found it pretty ironic that my wife and I were given the opportunity to struggle a bit with some of the tension of the bridal paradigm as we struggled to gain clarity over what I'd written.

We’ve been on our own journey toward a biblically surrendered marriage for many years, but what I’d written somehow struck her wrong. As she re-read aloud what I’d written I could see that maybe I hadn’t chosen my words as carefully as I should have, but I couldn’t see what exactly what she was concerned about.

We’ve come back to that discussion several times in the few weeks since then. Each time we’ve talked about it I felt my understanding of her perspective grow, yet I wasn’t quite able to completely grasp the nature of her concerns. In the end I’ve decided that it comes down to the difficulty of adequately describing in a few words what is really a lifelong journey of discovery. The problem with laying out the end goal of a surrendered marriage is that it can be a far leap for anyone who hasn’t gained a bridal paradigm mind-set, who hasn’t yet understood through personal experience what it means to live your marriage as a reflection of the love relationship between Jesus and the church. The challenge is that when trying to clearly define any one aspect of this new paradigm there is a risk of misinterpretation unless the entire context is clear, unless the many biblical truths on marriage are all held in the proper balance and tension. That's just hard to do.

I deeply value the discussions we’ve had, even though it hasn’t been easy. I value my wife’s honesty and her willingness to engage the ambiguity and tension. I appreciate hearing her perspective, which, as she explained, also comes partly through the eyes of the other wives that she talks with.

These conversations challenged me to more clearly and correctly describe the principles I espouse here. So I’ve taken another stab at my “Quick Reference on Surrendered Marriage,” in which I summarize my core principles on marriage. It has been substantially rewritten and significantly expanded. Please take a minute to read the updated version by cliking on the link above.

I’d appreciate hearing from you, especially the woman. What do you think of the way I’ve described the roles of husbands and wives in a biblically surrendered marriage?

To conclude this series I want to circle back to the beginning and take another look at learning to be naked without shame. You can read the first post in this series for a general discussion on this topic, but today I want to talk about shame as it relates to a recent event in my own life. It's another Paradigm in Practice (PiP) entry.

This past weekend I celebrated my 50th birthday. As much as I had dreaded that milestone, now that I’m on the other side of it I am determined that this is going to be the best decade of my life so far. This was definitely not my outlook in the month or so leading up to the big day. No sir. My thinking was more along the lines of “What have I done with my life?” and “What, if anything, will I do with the rest of it?” I was overwhelmed with a sense of failure and futility, fueled by accusations and lies from the enemy (Satan, the father of lies, is also known as the accuser of the brethren). My head was full of wrong thinking about who I am, what I’ve done or not done, and what my future holds.

I confided in my wife these difficult feelings I was struggling with. Yep, I got nakedly honest with her about it, doing my best to overcome my shame of looking weak-minded in front of her. Her response blessed my socks off. She didn’t belittle me for it or try to sweep it away as so much silly thinking or tell me just to “man up.” Rather, as part of my birthday celebration she and my three girls wrote me detailed letters telling me who they see me as, the lives I’ve influenced, and the ways my life has blessed theirs and others. Rather than judging me, she took my feelings at face value and responded with truth. And it helped me to completely change my mind-set around one-hundred-and-eighty degrees.

Shame has an ugly sister, and her name is fear. Left unchecked, fear leads to doubt, mistrust and seclusion, which finally will lead to our total immobilization and isolation. I know because I was on that path.

I’m reminded of another situation in a certain garden where shame and fear were also closely linked. The story begins like this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.   Genesis 2:24-25

But then shame and fear crash in:

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, "Where are you?" So he said, "I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." Genesis 3:6-10

The implications of this story go way beyond what I can discuss in this little post, so I’ll leave it for you to ponder on your own. (You have no idea how hard that is for me to do!)

Let me just reflect briefly on this relative to my own recent struggle with the shame and fear that arose out of my birthday situation. The shame I felt about what I saw as my lack of meaningful accomplishment in my life up to now led to fear over my future and a sense of hopelessness. But the light of truth from the Lord and my family dissolved my shame and banished my fears. Had I not chosen to be “naked” with Jenni (and with God) about my struggles, these things would have continued to eat away at me, shutting me down, leaving me to wallow in my wrong mindset.

The problem with shame and fear is that they eliminate the possibility of intimacy. You can see how Adam hid from God after he and Eve screwed things up. Their sin was not their nakedness, but it was shame over their nakedness that made them hide. It was shame that caused them to try to cover things over with fig leaves of pretense, as if such feeble coverings would fool God.

Had I not chosen to bare my soul to Jenni, I would have denied her the opportunity to help me wrestle through my middle-aged doubts. The shame of my negative self-image would no doubt have invaded our marriage, making it harder for me to accept her love and to believe in her desire for me. In short, had I not chosen to be nakedly honest about this struggle, it no doubt would have robbed us of intimacy. Instead, because I was vulnerable with her, and because she responded as she did, it had the completely opposite effect. Truth does that.

You see, shame leads to the darkness of disgrace and distrust, but the light of truth leads to grace and trust. When we are willing to be naked without shame good things can happen. Nakedness leads us down the path toward genuine intimacy.

So, do you have some shame you need to shed? Perhaps it’s time to drop those fig leaves.

As I’ve mentioned, I think the concept of being one flesh is a little esoteric and mysterious. So I thought I’d share a very recent example from my own life, thinking it just might add a bit of clarity. So here we'll pause for another installment of Paradigm in Practice.

I am not a charitable driver. Truth be told, I tend to think other drivers are simply inept. My normally quiet and reserved natured goes by the wayside, and I tend to express these sentiments out loud. I use the word “idiot” – a lot. I’m not proud of this fact, but it’s a fairly deeply engrained behavior.

Now my wife is pretty much opposite of me in this respect. She gives people the benefit of the doubt. She has grace in her heart at times where I would have only malice. When someone cuts us off, she says things like, “maybe his wife is having a baby and he’s on the way to the hospital.” She has actually said these words to me. So you can see the contrast in our two personalities when it comes to driving.

This is a genuine soul difference.

She has on more than one occasion gently expressed her dislike for the vitriol I exude when I drive. For the most part I have seen this as a yet to be renewed part of my soul, an area where my faith and the influence of the Holy Spirit hasn’t crossed over into my thoughts and words when I’m behind the wheel. God is still at work in any number of areas in my life, and I had viewed this as just one of them.

However, yesterday, after we had (once gain) conversed over some choice words I had for the ineptitude of a random driver, a different thought struck me. I realized that this behavior of mine actually offends her spirit. The unkindness I show when I drive cuts against the very grain of who she is in her nature. The realization struck me that this is more than just something that God has to work out of me because it’s against His nature; it’s actually something that He wants to work out of me because it’s also against my darling wife’s nature.

It's not about me becoming like her in my response to other drivers.  We are very different people in this regard and probably always will be, and that's OK. I am actually thankful that God made my wife and I with such different personalities - it makes life a lot more interesting, plus we tend to round each other out a bit.  No instead it's about me being aware of how what I think and say affects her and purposefullly honoring her spirit.

Will this realization suddenly cause me to be spite-free in my driving? Probably not. But in the future, at the very least whenever she is riding with me I will certainly be more aware of the impact my thoughts and emotions have when they come out in the form of unkind words toward of other drivers.

That’s just a tiny example of what it means to be one in soul. In this case it means harnessing my thoughts and words as I drive in an effort to honor the fact that to do otherwise hurts my wife in a way that she cannot help, because of who she is.