Journey to Surrender

Simple ways to support and encourage your husband's spiritual leadership without being controlling or demanding.

Welcome to Wives Only Wednesday. It's been a while since my last WoW post, so as a reminder, these are posts I do specifically for wives. Husbands can check out the related Men Only Monday post: 3 Simple Ways to Lead Your Wife Spiritually.

Most Christian wives I know are longing to have their husbands take up their God-given role as the spiritual head of the household. So how do you encourage your husband to lead? Many wives either have tried and failed or aren't sure what to do.

(Note: these suggestion are for Christian couples and do not address the situation of an unbelieving husband. Also note that the "What Won't Work" section is especially true for a non-believing spouse.)

What Won't Work

There is a principle that says you can't push on a rope. When you try pushing, all you get is a tangled mess. This rope principle applies to roles in marriage. Below are some examples of pushing.

Criticism - Many husbands won't step up and lead spiritually because they fear they will fall short or embarrass themselves. Criticizing your husband's spiritual life will only exacerbate his fear of failure and judgment from you. The higher the expectations you heap upon him, the less likely he is to step up. Communicating dissatisfaction will likely have the very opposite effect you hope for and cause him to pull back from expressing his spirituality to you. Be aware that he can easily view even well-intentioned questions as accusation ("Did you pray about that?").

Nagging - Demanding your husband be a stronger spiritual leader won't work. That is actually you usurping his leadership and will cause him to shrink back further. Nagging him about his spiritual habits will have the same negative effect. Such question as "When was the last time you had a quiet time?" or "Have you read your Bible today?" are actually just veiled attempts to control his spiritual life. It doesn't work.

Comparison - This is probably an obvious one, but pointing out what other husbands are doing to lead their families spiritually will only make him feel like a failure and inadequate in your eyes. Just don't do it.

What You Can Do

All of the approaches listed above amount to trying to control your husband. You and I both know that the only person you can control is yourself. Controlling amounts to pushing on the rope of your husband's spiritual leadership, and it will probably backfire.  So, what can you do to help create an internal "pull" in your husband's heart to want to grow in his headship role?  Here are a few ideas that are based on love and serving rather than on control:

Show Honor - Let go of your spiritual checklists and expectations. Your husband's spiritual life is most likely going to express itself differently from yours, and that's okay. My wife's quiet times and mine are as different from each other as they can be. Mine are less frequent, less scheduled and tend to be shorter than hers. It took me a while to realize that we are just different in this regard. Honor and respect his way of seeking God.

Value His Insights - Even if (and maybe especially if) you feel you are spiritually stronger and more knowledgeable than your husband, ask for his opinion on spiritual matters. Invite him into your spiritual struggles and questions. Ask him to pray for you about specific situations and thank him when he does. Acknowledge his answered prayers. This has two outcomes. First, it builds spiritual intimacy as you learn to share your hearts in a vulnerable fashion, and second it helps him build spiritual muscle.

Express Appreciation - Acknowledge every step your husband takes in spiritual growth and in leading your family. Affirm him by saying, "I'm so thankful to have you as the spiritual head of our home." Thank him when he opens up to you about spiritual matters or offers his perspective. Appreciation will demonstrate your desire for his spiritual leadership without you actually having to say it.

Seek Intimacy - Spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy are all connected. If you desire deeper spiritual intimacy, pay attention to your sex life and to how you act with him emotionally. There is not a formula, but fruit in one dimension tends to spill over into the others.

As I said, these actions are about showing love to your husband in language he can appreciate, and when you do these you invite his leadership by offering him your submission. The Greek word for submission used in the famous Ephesians 5 passage on marriage (hupotasso)  means to arrange yourself under. When you willingly show your husband honor and respect with your actions, you are arranging yourself under his loving spiritual leadership.

Of course you should pray for your husband, for spiritual intimacy between you, and for his headship in the spiritual domain of your marriage, but you don't have to just pray and wait. While prayer is vital and your number one strategy, there are also practical steps you can take that create an environment where his leadership can thrive.

These are my ideas for what will and won't work in your journey toward a rightly ordered spiritual dimension of your marriage.  I'd love to hear any ideas you have!  Leave a comment.

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[Wives Only Wednesday]

When you lean into your husband's desires, rather than resist them, you can rediscover God's amazing gift of sex.
[Tweet This]

I'm pleased to present part two of my wife's previous Wives Only Wednesday post. Today, "As you wish" moves to the bedroom.

This is also first up in my series The Gift of Sex. If you missed my post setting up the series, go back and check it out.

I'll remind you that my wife originally shared this message with a group of women in the "empty nest" stage of life, but the truths here apply to marriages at any life stage.

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In Part 1 of this post I pointed out that when you say "As you wish" to your husband you are actually saying "I love you." [Tweet This]

Last week we saw how your "As you wish" translates into respect, which a key need for most husbands. Not surprisingly, the other key need, as reported by husbands in our recent survey, is the need for a satisfying sex life.

While most women can give mental and experiential agreement to this wish for sex, more sex, variety in sex..., I'm not sure we really get it. That's why this quote from Paul Byerly, written on his X-Y Code blog, is so helpful:

For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.

When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.

I'd also like to share this important "As you wish" Scripture passage:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together gain so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NLT)

Now don’t freak out Ladies! We can give the gift of "As you wish" in the bedroom (or anyplace he may wish), but you are the one to decide how far this gift goes. I don't know about you, but for me when I feel like I have to do something, it affects my mood, and it actually makes it difficult for me to want sex. But I have discovered that if I will lean into my husband’s desires rather than fight against or avoid them, I actually have an amazing time!! I find the truth is that great sex is important for me too!

Also, for empty-nesters it's important to realize that older men who want sex are not dirty old men, they are just being men!  This chemistry inside of them is involuntary, and it was GOD who made them that way! It is not fair to shame your husband for something God-given and good.  This is God’s idea and His plan, not just for our husbands, but for us and our marriages.

(I realize that in 15-20% of marriages, it is the wife who is the higher drive spouse, so your "As you wish" may need to be expressed in other ways. See my "As you wish" list at the end of this post.)

Sex Still Matters

As men age, their drive may appear to lessen, but in reality that drive is still chemically in him.  It may take more than a thought or visual stimulation at this point, so their desire/drive may not be as obvious to you. The arousal is still there, but they may need more physical stimuli than when they were younger, and frequency may change, but remember, you are changing too!

If you are dealing with tiredness, change up the times of day that you come together. After all, you have an empty nest! Take advantage of it! Before or after dinner are great times, and it allows you to unwind for the rest of the evening. Mornings can work too!

If you are dealing with dryness and/or hot flashes or other physical issues, I encourage you to talk to your gynecologist. Research is constantly changing and there are ways to help with the symptoms you may be experiencing. KY Jelly may no longer be the lubricant of choice as it’s properties don’t address the kind of dryness that accompanies menopause or help with painful intercourse.  I prefer Poise and have friends that rave about coconut oil. Care enough to research it, and be willing to try different options.

As far as the changes in your libido go, I have found that regardless of age, having sex makes me want to have sex.  If I watch my energy level and get enough sleep, I find that I can think sex and my desire goes up with my thoughts. Remind yourself that sex is good and desirable and so are our husbands. Don't believe the misconception that says that if you are a powerful woman, you don't need sex.

Regardless of your age or previous sexual struggles, don't ever decide that sex is over.  Sex can always begin again; it is never too late.

As You Wish Ideas

So think about how you can give your husband the gift of "As you wish" for Christmas this year, whether it in the bedroom or in the other areas of your marriage. Here are a few ideas to prompt your thinking:

• Use the phrase “As you wish” at least once a day.
• Find a way to express and say to your husband, “You are my hero”
• Change your tone
• Make a celebration list of 5 things you love about your husband.  This is for you not him.  As you look at this list your heart will soften towards him.
• Add something new in your sex life, perhaps this will be having sex!!
• Try texting!  You can be as casual as “I am thinking of you”  to using a private communication app like Couple or Avocado.
• Fight your urge to nag.  Don’t do it!
• Let it go, even though you have a RIGHT to whatever it is
• Ask your husband, “What says I Love You to you?”
• Plan a surprise that is obviously as HE wishes rather than you
• Other opportunities to express “As You Wish:” What’s for dinner, which restaurant, control of the remote, which movie, how you spend your time, which route to drive, your outfit, your hair style, your perfume, how the money is spent.

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With this post, you have your first opportunity to give your spouse and your marriage The Gift of Sex.

If you tend to think of sex in terms of "If I must," work on adjusting your thinking to be more in line with "As you wish." Such a change in mindset can transform sex from a duty to a delight!

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My current poll, "Who Owns My Body," asks some questions around the verses of the Bible quoted above (1 Cor 7:3-5). If you haven't yet, it's not too late to take the survey now.

When you say "As you wish," what you are really saying is "I love you."

I'm excited to share with you a guest post by my lovely wife, Jenni.

Although the post is mostly slanted toward wives in the "empty nest" stage of marriage, the insights she shares can be applied to any life stage.

Don't forget to come back next week for part two of this fabulous Wives Only Wednesday post!

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by Jenni Means

I recently had the privilege of speaking for a group of fellow empty-nester wives on the subject of marriage.  Not only am I an empty-nester wife, but I am also a movie buff (especially old ones!)  So to kick off our evening I showed the following clip from a classic, The Princess Bride.


Can't see the video?  Click here.

In this great opening scene we discover that “As you wish” actually is another way of saying “I love you!”

This is a gift that we can give our husbands at any stage of our marriage, but I suggest it is increasingly important in the later years.

In keeping with the Bridal Paradigm our husbands are doing their best to love us sacrificially, laying down their lives for us.  We are endeavoring to love them by allowing them to lead us in this surrendered love lifestyle. We look to Jesus as our example for what love looks like, “Not my will, but Yours be done” or in other words, “As You Wish”.

Choosing "As You Wish"

“As You Wish” can’t be an obligation, or a duty.  For it to mean “I Love You” it must be a choice, a gift.  It says you matter to me and I am willing to put your wants above my own.

• It is sacrificial.
• It is respect.
• It will probably often involve sex. (Or sex often, teehee!)
• It is not about “rights”
• It is a gift you and you alone can give your spouse.

It is awesome when our husbands lead in giving the gift of “As You Wish” and it sure makes it easier for us to also give when this is the case.  But I want to challenge you to not focus on what isn’t.  We can’t control anyone but ourselves, no matter how hard we try.

Giving the gift of “As You Wish” makes you powerful.  It is you making a choice and carrying it out. You are choosing to love as you would like to be loved and as you are loved by God.
Fighting for our own way isn’t worth it. It’s not even enjoyable when we “win” that battle. And you don’t want things to be even. Such a win-lose view makes no sense because you and your husband are one!

My wonderful husband has posted before on the statistics of what our husbands say they need most from their wives. The chart below shows the things that husbands say they need most from their wives.  (The dark blue bars show the percent of  husbands who chose each as their top need. The pink bars represent the percentage of wives who chose that same need as most important.  Click the chart to enlarge it.)
One of the top two needs, sex, is no surprise.  But I find that over and over again wives are surprised about the great importance respect is to our men, and they are equally surprised by what that looks like.

This week we'll take a closer look at one of the top two needs of husbands: respect.

Respect

As we enter the second half of our lives, I believe that respect becomes increasingly important to our husbands. Chances are they are not going to be the young hot shot at work. No matter how great they are at keeping up with technology there’s a good chance a younger person will surpass them in some areas. They are not dinosaurs but a gold mine of experience, and they need us, their wives, to reflect their value and awesomeness back at them.

They can’t make themselves young again, but they still need to feel like a hero, our hero. Age does not change our feelings for them. They are still our hot shot and hero.  We see them as they really are and let them know with our words.

As our husbands age, they need more respect than usual, and usual is more than you think!

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When you give your husband the gift of "As you wish," you are saying that you respect his preferences and honor his wishes. It also communicates your trust and your confidence that he will choose wisely. It says to him that you believe in his leadership.

Yes, "As you wish" shows your man the respect he needs.

Next week Jenni will be back with part two of this post: The Gift of As You Wish in the Bedroom. Don't miss it!

Meanwhile, if you have communicated respect to your husband with an "As you wish, " we'd love to hear about it. Share it in a comment.

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Related Post: From Shiela Gregoire - Why It Can Be Hard to Respect Your Husband

[Wives Only Wednesday]

Learning to express appreciation to your husband will positively impact the passion level between you.

On Monday I told husbands about the power that being intentionally positive has to grow passion. Today I’m addressing wives with a slightly different take on the topic.

Daily Choices

The relationship between positivity and passion may not be all that obvious to you, so let me explain a little further.

As I said in my last post, it’s really about shifting the atmosphere in your marriage. Think about. If what you think on and speak about is mostly the problems and issues in your relationship with your husband, they will tend to be amplified and multiplied. But the same is true when you are able to shift your words and thoughts to the many good things about your man and your marriage.

Whatever you focus on grows. If you want to good stuff to grow, think and speak these things.

It largely comes down to a whole bunch of little daily decisions. You can choose either to amplify the positive or the negative as each issue/opportunity presents itself. You can also learn habits of thankfulness and gratitude.

Idealism or Realism

You might be reading this and thinking that I’m being too idealistic with such talk. You might be saying, “You don’t know my husband or my situations” or “The problems are too in my face to ignore.”

But I’m not saying you can or should ignore problems and hope they go away. No, not at all. What I’m saying is that if those are ALL you focus on, if they preoccupy your thoughts and dominate your conversations, it will poison the atmosphere and leave little space for the good things to see the light of day. Negativity kills passion. Period.

So acknowledge and deal with issues that matter, but don’t let them define your relationship. Your marriage is not defined by the problems you face. Your marriage is defined by the fact that you and your husband are one, even if you don’t feel like it, so you might as well enjoy the fruit of that oneness and let intimacy and passion that results be what defines your marriage. I believe it is possible.

Passion Pointers

Opinions vary, but I’ve heard it said that it takes doing something anywhere from 15-25 times before it becomes a habit. So if you can purposefully choose positivity a couple times a day, it will only take a week or two before you will begin to change your default actions and reactions. Do this, and watch the passion in your marriage begin to grow.

Here are a few ways to be purposefully positive with your husband:

• Thank your husband for working so hard to support the family (assuming he is the primary bread winner). It’s easy to take this for granted, but it will mean a lot to him when you acknowledge it out loud. Chances are he feels tremendous financial pressure to provide.
• Pay your husband a compliment about his physical appearance. We tend to think that this is primarily a female need, but your husband does want to know you are attracted to him. Truthfully the best way to communicate your attraction to him is to initiate sex. Words are helpful, but actions in this area matter more.
• Send your husband a text to say you are thinking about something he did for you recently and specifically thank him for it. Tell him what it meant to you. Gratefulness will definitely cause him to want to do these kinds of things for you more in the future.
• Is there something your husband does as a matter of routine that you have come to take for granted? It’s easy to do, especially if he’s been doing it all of your married life.  Stop and think, and then occasionally, when he does one of them, tell him you appreciate it. It will count double if you give him a slightly longer than usual kiss to go along with it.

Maybe I haven’t convinced you totally of the power that positivity has to help raise the passion level in your marriage. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.

For the next week or two, really listen to the words you speak and pay attention to the thoughts you think. Choose to turn them toward the many good things about your husband and your marriage. Come back and let us know how it affected the atmosphere between you and your husband.

[Wives Only Wednesday]

Spark passion by relentlessly pursuing your husband HIS way.

I proposed last week in "From Discipline and Duty to Delight"  that passion is a key ingredient to delighting in your husband. When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give generously and to love and serve him.

On Monday I offered husbands the first of four ways to pump up the passion: pursuit.

Today, I'm addressing wives separately, because pursuit typically looks very different to men and women.  As I told the guys, if you want to raise the passion level in your marriage, you are going to have to pay attention to it and purposefully cultivate a more passionate atmosphere.

Rethinking Passion

What do you envision when you hear the term “passionate marriage?”

If you are like many women, then you likely think of scenes from some of the chick flicks you’ve watched or the romance novels you’ve read.  Or maybe you are thinking more like your husband might and envisioning steamy lovemaking scenes.  Regardless, I want to push you to expand your thinking a bit beyond the romantic and sexual aspects of your marriage, though passion certainly does include those.

The kind of passion I'm talking about refers to having an underlying sense of excitement and fervor about your spouse and your marriage, having a relationship full of intensity, joyfulness and unbridled enthusiasm in both the sexual and non-sexual dimensions of your relationship.

Building a passionate marriage starts with desire. You have to want it, and you have to be willing to go after it with determination. Passionate marriages don't just happen. They are sought, cultivated and guarded. Passionate marriages only happen on purpose.

Passion = Pursuit

It's fairly common knowledge that every woman likes to feel pursued, but did you know that your husband also wants to be pursued? It's true. But the nature of what he considers pursuit is likely quite different than what you think of as pursuit.

If you want your husband to feel pursued by you, then you have to pursue him HIS way. And that may not be a way you are used to thinking.

The kind of pursuit your husband has in mind probably has a significant sexual component. There is some truth to the adage that "Men want a princess in the streets and a wildcat between the sheets." There are various versions of this, some much more vulgar, but the idea is the same. Your man feels desired and pursued when you act overtly sexual toward him. That idea might be uncomfortable for you, but I challenge you to try it for yourself. Step outside your comfort zone once in a while and watch his reaction.

The other way your husband will feel pursued is when you let him know how much you admire him as a man, as a leader, as a provider. Your husband wants to be your hero, even if he knows he sometimes falls short of that mark. I can tell you that if you pursue him with your admiration, he is much more likely to step into the hero role than if you criticize him.

Passion Pointers

What matters most is what constitutes genuine pursuit to your own husband. It could be that sexual advances and admiration won't do it for him. If you don't have a clue where to start, come right out and ask him. Be willing to really hear what he says without defending your past actions (or inactions).

Just in case you aren't sure where to start,  I'll give you a few suggestions:

• Write him a suggestive love note. Recall a favorite encounter or tell him a few specific things about how he made you feel in bed recently.
• Surprise him with tickets to his favorite sporting event or musical group. You get bonus points if it is something he knows isn't your favorite pastime.
• Bring him a little token of your love the next time you are out shopping, something you know he'll really appreciate. Tell him, "I saw this and thought of you."
• Give him a back, neck or foot rub. While you do thank him sincerely for things he's done for you recently or for working so hard at his job to provide for you.
• Initiate sex in a creative way. Example: leave a note on the kitchen table for him to find telling him you are waiting for him in bed and to come up now.
• Learn how to flirt with him over text message. If you want to get more explicit, there are a number of private, secure apps you can use.

You'll find a few other tips in my post "Endless Pursuit."

Two things are true about pursuit: 1) you should never stop doing it, and 2) it has to be done in whatever way means pursuit to your husband.

How are you doing in the area of pursuit? What have you found that means pursuit to your man? If there are any husbands  listening in, can you offer your thoughts on what makes you feel pursued? Leave a comment.

You can move your sex life from "have to" to "want to."

With this post and the next one we are getting down to the nitty-gritty of marital needs.

Today is a Wives Only Wednesday post, so you guys can tune out. I'll deal with you next week in a follow up Men only Monday post.

People are still taking my marital needs poll, in which I asked husband and wives to answer this question: "What is the one thing you need most from your spouse?" (You can add your own answer by clicking here).

Though the final results aren't in yet, there are some pretty clear trends emerging. Today, I'm going to tell you, wives, about the need that more husbands chose than any other.

First the Facts

By a significant margin, more men reported needing "a satisfying sex life" as their number one need than any other need. Overall, 49% of husbands reported sex as their number one need, as compared to 2% of wives.

For comparison, the second most reported number one need for husbands was "being respected," which came in at 14%.

Here's the tough part. Of those 49% of husbands who stated sex was their most important need, 58% said their need was not being met very well at all, giving their wives a 1, 2 or 3 on a ten point scale. On a more positive note, 22% said their need for sex was being met well (7-10 score).  The other 20% fell in the middle.

Here's a question for you to consider: how enduring will a marriage be when a spouse's most important need is going almost completely unmet?

From "Have To" to "Want To"

I thought it would be best, considering the sensitive nature of sex in marriage, to get some assistance with this post from some of my female blogging friends who have recently written some excellent posts on the topic. So I contacted them and asked if I could use excerpts from their posts, and both graciously agreed.

Robyn Gibson of Up With Marriage did a couple of great posts on the issue of sex.  In her first post on this topic Serving Through Sex she examines the key distinction between "have to" and "want to." As she explains, in her own life moving from "have to" to "want to" was a matter of adapting her thinking to God's plan for sexual intimacy in her marriage.

Adapting enables the flesh to grow up. Adapting is what changes the stoic ‘have to’ in our flesh of obedience into the loving ‘want to’ in our spirit. 

She adds this scripture:

And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.

Ezekiel 11:19

Her point here is that when women think of sex as simply "serving their husbands," it is more of an obligation - something only for his benefit. But that's not how God intends sex to be in the marriage relationship. She concludes her post with the example of a husband who "serves" his wife by reluctantly agreeing to dinner and a movie, but freely admits he would rather have just unplugged and read a book.

He is in the mindset of “I have to” not “I want to.” It feels deceitful and is an affront because when we read, "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25), we know God didn’t mean for Christ to love the church through conciliatory gestures.  Have to is serving. Want to is loving. I don’t want my husband to have to love me; I want him to want to love me.

So, back to the sex of it … as long as I feel that I am serving my husband through sex, it will always be a conciliatory gesture and never authentic genuine love.

Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Have to is serving. Want to is loving. 

There's another great quote from Robyn in the part 2 of Serving Through Sex.

The reason many of us have of a hard time wrapping our minds around this juxtaposition is because we try to reason in our flesh that we need to understand what God is asking of us before we do it. We wrestle with thoughts like:  “If it would just make sense then I could adapt.” Or,“If I just knew how this was going to turn out.” Or,“If I do this, how can I be sure that it will be fair?” Or at the very least, we want to be assured that our spouse won’t take advantage of us in the slightest. It seems we want some kind of guarantee before stepping out in faith. 

Stepping out in faith requires that we relinquish our need for a guarantee that everything will work out in our favor.

As Robyn explains, Jesus' submission to the will of the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane was not an act of service. It was an act of love.

Love says, my desire is to do what your will is. 

Serving through sex is a method for a wife to compartmentalize the act itself. She will be able to have sex and at the same time not be fully engaged: only as much as she has to be.

When I trust that God’s ways are excellent I will adapt to His plan for marriage. The submission of my whole self in marriage will demonstrate to God that I am all in. Nothing will be held back. I won’t be stuck in the mindset of having to serve my brother through sex. Instead, my transformed heart will want to have sex with my husband.

Guided by the Holy Spirit, Not Emotions

Chris, who writes the Forgiven Wife blog, encourages wives with the testimony of her marriage, and how God transformed her heart and her marriage after twenty years of sexual "gatekeeping."

In a recent series, Chris shares the story of Janna Allen, a wife whose marriage underwent a similar transformation, The series is titled Journey of Change and starts here.   In the third post of her story, Janna explains why she thinks this transformation will stick.

I believe it is because it is NOT based on what I am “feeling”, physically or emotionally.  It is based on conviction and love, love of my Lord and my husband.  No matter if my sexual desire dips (which it does), it’s not an option to do nothing.  Or no matter how I am feeling towards my husband at the time (which I have had hurt and anger to work through this past year), it’s not an option not to work through things and go back to a “self-protective” state where I build walls and harbor unforgiveness and /or bitterness.

I could never have done it without the conviction and power of the Holy Spirit, and I believe that it will only be through Him that this will be a forever change. Where I am concerned, all that’s dependent on me is a surrendering and obedience to Him, because by nature I am way too selfish, independent, rebellious, and prideful to keep up an act of serving and loving my husband without some supernatural help and empowerment.

As I explained in my last post, Are You A Love or a Worker, being guided by love doesn't mean you are guided by emotion. Rather, you can choose to focus on the truth, despite what your emotions might tell you. One of those truths is that, as a believer, you have the fullness of the Holy Spirit inside you - the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. That is power!

Practice allowing your spirit to rule over your soul (mind, will and emotions).

More of You

If you struggle in the area of sexual intimacy with your husband, here is a notion that might help you shift your mindset. Rather than thinking of your husband as simply wanting more sex, realize that what he really wants is more of you.

He wants the kind of intimacy with you that only a thriving sexual relationship can enable.

Let your love for God and your love for your husband, empowered by the Holy Spirit, transform your "have to" into a "want to." Who knows, maybe you might even end up at "get to."


Next time: The Number One Need of Wives

How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

It's a Wives Only Wednesday, so this "what if" post is just for the ladies.

It's not that men don't have body image issues or shame associated with their appearance, but I know that it is something much more prevalent among women.

So listen up ladies and prepare to have a paradigm shift in your thinking.

You Are His

The Bible says quite plainly in 1 Corinthians 7 that your body belongs to your husband (and his to you, by the way). If you really believed how attracted your husband is to you, you would know that he sees you as his prize possession. Not in some creepy controlling sense, but in the way that he's proud to have you for his very own, in ways that no other man can know and/or see you.

Fellow marriage blogger, J, from Hot Holy and Humorous, recently posted Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby. . She says,

I hear from hubbies all the time who essentially say about their wives, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). Are their wives objectively perfect? I doubt it. But they [their husbands] believe it.

You can believe it too.

It's Important to Him

Paul Byerly, over at the XY Code, wrote a post on this topic entitled Really, You Look Great to Him. In it he sums up his recent "What Your Husband Wants You to Know" survey he did in this way:

When we say we like you, what you do, and how you look, please believe us!

It is important to your husband that you believe in the sincerity of his love for you, and that includes how you look. Most husbands I know want their wives to feel loved. In fact many, including me, count it among their highest priorities in life. When you rebuff his compliments on your appearance or reply with a list of the flaws, you do not honor him. In fact, you make him feel like he has failed at something that matters a lot to him.

It is your husband's opinion that matters most when it come to your appearance. If he thinks you are beautiful, hot, sexy, pretty, striking or however else he may describe you, then you are. Period.

I understand that you get a very different message from TV and magazine advertisements. Remember, those folks are in the flaw-peddling business in order to sell you something to "fix" yourself. Forget them and their airbrushed definition of beauty. Take what your husband says and run with it.

Confidence is Sexy

Do you want to know a secret that I think few wives have a handle on? Sex appeal (or whatever word you want to use for a woman's allure to her husband) is 80% attitude and 20% physical appearance. It may even be 90/10.

Whether you buy my numbers or not, how you present yourself to your husband probably has a bigger influence on how he perceives your appearance than you know. If you really believed what your husband says about your body and his desire for you, it will give you more confidence, more boldness, and more of an "I am hot and I know it" kind of attitude. And that alone will make you even more appealing to him.

A woman in one of our marriage small groups once confided to us that she sometimes imagines herself as a sensuous movie star in order to take on a more confident and daring persona. Imagining herself as Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie (or whoever) allowed her to drop her inhibitions and really let go, much to her husband's pleasure - and hers as well.  Imagine whatever you like that helps you in the confidence department, but try imagining that your husband is actually crazy in love with your body. After all, you are his movie star!

Here's a correlating truth. True confidence feels good. If you believe in your own beauty and in your husband's desire for you and then confidently act on it, it will make you feel really good about yourself.

Two Caveats

First, I have heard horror stories of husband who deride their wives over every extra ounce and constantly put them down over their appearance. That's a sad and difficult situation, and I am sorry if that is the way your husband treats you. Dealing with that situation is a whole separate post. But I honestly believe the vast majority of husbands do not fall into that category.

Second, I am not saying that appearances don't matter. Pay attention to your man's preferences in clothing, hair styles, make up, etc. Pay particular attention to sleeping attire, if that is something that matters to him. I know men have a broad spectrum of opinions on these kinds of appearance-related things, so if you don't know, ask your husband. And then act accordingly. You have no idea how much it will bless him when you do.

Time for Action

So ask yourself this "what if" question and ponder it seriously: how would you act and speak differently if you really believed, deep down, that your husband loves your body? You might want to read and consider the two posts linked above by Paul and J as a starting point.

I challenge you to spend the next week behaving differently as a result of your "what if" contemplation.  Act with boldness and confidence, as if your husband adores your body, because chances are, he does.



The other posts in my "What If..." series.

1. A Lesson in How to "What If..."
2. What If... You and Your Spouse Really Are One?
3. What If...Intimacy Matters Most?

How Your Husband Spells Romance: S.E.X.

On Monday I wrote to husbands about their need to keep the romance alive daily and not just on Valentine's Day.

Today I am addressing wives in a similar, although slightly different vein.

In the Aftermath

How was this Valentine's Day for you? Did your husband go all out and spoil you? Did he make an effort but fail badly in the romance department? Did he fail to put much thought into it? Did he maybe even forget the day altogether? Did you turn things around this year and rock his socks off? Or perhaps you and he decided not to celebrate the day at all.

Regardless of whether the holiday left you feeling delighted or disappointed, spoiled or spurned, I want to encourage you not to put too much emphasis on a single day. It's just a day, after all.

There is no reason to put all your romantic eggs into one basket!

For Those Feeling Delighted

If Valentine's Day left you feeling spoiled and romanced, why not spend the next few weeks (or months) being particularly attentive to your husband.

The truth is that your husband probably likes to be romanced just as much as you do. It's just that romance usually is defined differently for men than it is for women.

Let me spell it out for you. Women spell romance L.O.V.E. Men spell romance S.E.X. 

That may sound a little crass. It isn't intended to be. Sure your man probably likes little gifts, words of respect and affirmation and kind gestures just fine. But if he isn't sexually satisfied, all those things will fall short when it comes to making him feel loved. It has to get physical. Sex says "I love you" to a man.

For Those Feeling Slighted

If Valentine's Day left you with a bad taste in your mouth, maybe even feeling a little resentment on top of your disappointment, let me encourage you to try a little "love as if."

What I mean by that is for you to imagine how you would respond if your husband totally blew you away in the romance department, and respond to him that way, regardless of how he actually "performed."

What is interesting is that when you begin loving your husband as if, then he is much more likely to begin acting as if. So take my suggestions above for "delighted wives" to heart and give your husband some loving - his way. 

More Than Duty

By encouraging you to love on your husband in a more physical way, I'm not talking about giving him duty sex. As much any man likes additional physical attention from his wife, if he senses you are not really into it, not fully present and into him, it will be less than fulfilling for him.

If you tend look at sexual intimacy with your husband as more of a duty than a privilege, it may require that you approach sex a little differently than usual. Start by being more playful and flirtatious. Give him an obviously extended kiss goodbye and then text him later and tell him there is another kiss like that waiting for him when he gets home. Change up your sleeping attire to something that is more about his preference than your comfort.

Just as I encouraged husbands earlier this week to be a student of their wives in the romance department, so too you should be a student of your husband when it comes to pleasing him sexually.

You might want to do some reading to get a different sexual mindset. I suggest two blogs written by Christian women who write mostly to women about sex. J's Hot, Holy and Humorous, Julie Sibert's Intimacy in Marriage. There are many others as well, including The Marriage Bed, that offer sexual advice from a Christian world view.   

Finally, let remind you to remind yourself that sex is for you just as much as it is for him. It's a gift from God intended to bring pleasure and unmatched intimacy to every marriage.

So will you take up my post-Valentine's Day challenge and focus on loving your husband with increased physical affection? If you do, I believe you'll see tremendous fruit in your marriage as a result.

Postscript: I know that there are plenty of wives who are the high drive spouse in their marriage. For you this post isn't all that helpful. I plan to address that topic in a future W.o.W post.

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Here is some suggested post-Valentine's Day reading from other blogs:

• From Marriage Gems: Do You Wish Valentine's Day Never Existed? Lori reminds us that romance is for both of you.
• From the Happy Wives Club: Take the 21 Day Valentin's Day Challenge  - This challenge focuses a bit more broadly than mine.
• From Up With Marriage:  The Day of Lovers  - Valentine's Day should be more about giving than getting.

What Submission is not: The Doormat, The Boss, and The Grouch

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Announcing the random winner of our last Friday Freebie: Spicey won the copy of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. Please contact me with your email address so I can make arrangements to get the book to you courtesy of Julie Sibert. See the Contact Scott tab on my blog.

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In my Wives Only Wednesday post last week, Strong and Submissive, I explained how strength goes hand in hand with the submission that God calls wives to. True biblical submission has nothing to do with weakness or subjugation, as it is so often wrongly characterized.

In fact, submission actually requires strength.

Submission Misconstrued

Unfortunately, there is a pretty strong cultural push back against God's design for marriage, but I find it is mainly due to a lack of understanding of what submission really is. In an effort to dispel these common mis-characterizations, in today's post I want to explore specifically what the submission of a wife to her husband is not.

What does it mean for a husband to have the "headship" or leadership role and for a wife to respect and support him with the gift of her submission? Recall from my last post this chart:

(Note: you can find the corresponding husband's chart in my post What Headship Is Not.)

I discussed the wife of the upper right quadrant in my last post. This is the "church-like" wife the Bible describes, alluding to the fact that God designed marriage to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church.  Today I want to introduce you to the three wives represented by the other quadrants: the Doormat, the Boss and the Grouch.

The Doormat

This is probably the wife I hear described most often when people protest the notion of submission. "I'm not going to be a doormat for anyone!" The good news is your aren't supposed to be!

This wife makes the mistake of equating submission with weakness. She is often filled with self-doubt and insecurity. She thinks her opinions don't matter and that her needs are unimportant, even as the resentment over her presumed "less than" status builds. She thinks she has no voice.

The Doormat can be withdrawn from the relationship with her husband, mistaking passivity for humility. She feels uncertain of her identity in Christ, as co-heir with her husband of the full inheritance that is hers by virtue of her faith in Jesus.

The Boss

This is the wife who feels she must lay submission aside in order to show herself strong and to prove herself capable.

This wife tends to be disrespectful to her husband, her words and tone letting him know of her frequent disapproval. She will put him down to friends and family and broadcast his mistakes in order to "keep him in his place." She thinks that in order to avoid subjugation she must push for her own way. Her self-interest is front and center of most decisions.

The Boss frequently contends for power, thinking that to do otherwise shows her to be weak.

The Grouch

This wife is neither submissive nor strong, sharing some of the characteristics of both the Boss and the Doormat.

The Grouch comes across as uncaring toward her husband, from  her expressions of disrespect to her self-protective withdrawal from him. She is fearful and distrustful of any expression of leadership on his part.

She lacks the emotional strength and the integrity to deal with her husband forthrightly. She may try to bury  her emotions, but they will eventually bubble up into an outburst of some kind. 


To make the point clear, I've described the behaviors of these wives in pretty extreme terms.  Chances are none of these describes you exactly, but beware of the characteristics they portray. Be vigilant against the mindset that equates submission with weakness. And be vigilant against the prevailing sentiment against submission in any form.

Pursue strength and submission with equal vigor. Glean from your relationship with Jesus the kinds of attitudes and attributes that should attend biblical submission. If you are watchful, you will see lots of parallels between your spiritual walk and your marriage. They are everywhere.

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A note to any husbands reading this post. The post is title Wives Only Wednesday for a reason. There is nowhere in scripture where it says your are to make your wife submit to you. Demanded or coerced submission isn't submission at all, so don't try it.

Work on your end of the marriage partnership, to love and serve your wife as Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her.  Loving your wife well will draw out both her submission and her strength.

Read my corresponding post for husbands: What Headship is Not

Submission and strength go hand in hand.

A few weeks ago I promised to follow up my two posts on biblical headship for husbands by giving wives equal time. (If you missed them, the posts are here: "Good and Strong" and "That's Not Headship").

So I turn now to looking at your role in marriage as described in the New Testament scriptures. Hang onto your hats, ladies, because we're talking about...

Submission? Today? Really?

Most of you have probably at least heard that there is something about wives and submission in the Bible. Some of you may even know the verses by heart.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

You can choose to ignore these verses or pass them off as out of date for our modern world.  But my belief is that if it's in the Bible, especially if it's in the New Testament, it's probably something God cares about today and something we should try to understand.

Seeking Understanding

Most of the women (and men) that have a problem with submission have a wrong understanding of what it actually is and what it isn't. That's what this post and my next post are about. understanding true biblical submission.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of explanation in the scriptures about submission. So people seek out understanding from a lot of different sources. For example:

• Feminism - women don't need men in the first place and calling a wife to submission is like calling her to a life of slavery.
• Culture at large - 50/50 is the best way to run a marriage. Equality is the goal. Submission is unfair.
• Wrong paradigms - Captain/first mate, pilot/co-pilot, CEO/VP, etc.

None of these sources are biblical. None of them work as a model for marriage. The one we should focus on is the only one in the Bible: marriage is to be a reflection Christ and the church. Specifically, you are to submit yourself to your husband as you do the the Lord.(No husbands are not gods or equal to Christ. It means you should glean lessons for your marriage from way in which you submit to Christ).

Submission and Strength

As I pointed out in my earlier posts for husbands, we often wrongly assume that goodness (being loving) and strength are mutually exclusive.But the corresponding call for husbands to love and lead their wives as Christ does for the church means that they should be both strong and good, just like Jesus is.

In a similar fashion, you may mistakenly think that, as a wife, you cannot be both strong and submissive. So too for you, submission and strength are both important dimensions of your role as a wife. They are not mutually exclusive.

Here is how I frame it up:

The upper right quadrant, the one labeled "church-like," is what I think the Bible calls you to as a wife: to be both strong and submissive.

Forget the notion that submission means you are are to be a slave or a doormat or a Stepford automaton. No, the church-like imperative means you are to be empowered by your husband, secure and confident in his love, with a sure sense of God-given identity and purpose. 

But your strength does not conflict at all with the call for you to honor your husband with your respect, to follow and support him in humility, or to be selfless in giving your husband your love and devotion.

The truth is that true biblical submission requires real strength. It requires you to have the mental strength to do battle with the lies you hear all around you about the 50/50 marriage paradigm, about needing to look out for yourself and to stand up for your rights. It requires the emotional strength to face your doubts and fears. And it requires strength of will to let go of your need to control, to follow God's design for your marriage and to follow your husband's lead.

Yes, you can and should be both strong and submissive in your marriage. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Your submission actually makes you powerful.  True submission is a gift you give to your husband, because when submission is demanded or coerced it isn't submission at all. The choice is wholly yours.

Where do you tend to struggle the most in your marriage, with submission or with being strong? Share your story, leave a comment.

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Next time we'll take a look at what happens if you falter in either the strength or submission dimension of your role as a wife. Until then, you might want to check out what some other wives have to say about what submission means to them.

More Reading from wives on this topic:

• What Submissive Wives are Not by Nina Roesner of The Respect Dare

• Why More Women are Using the "S" Word by Sara Horn, author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife (book review coming soon!)

• The Submission Series - a thoughtful and thorough ten part series from Lori at The Generous Wife.

Your husband is not nearly as romantically challenged as you think!
Have you long since given up on your husband in the romance department? Have you repeatedly suffered disappointing Valentine’s Days over the years? Have such things caused you to turn your attention on this holiday toward your kids instead of your husband? Or maybe you have altogether given up celebrating this day, passing if off as crassly commercialized.

I get it. Really, I do.

But it’s time to a take back Valentine’s Day.

Hallmark and FTD commercials notwithstanding, this day is really not about cards and flowers and chocolates (though for many of you that would probably be a step up).

No, this holiday is really about love, romantic love.

A Chance to Rekindle Romance

“But my husband is romantically inept,” I hear you saying.

It is probably true that many, if not most, husbands appear to their wives as somewhat challenged in the romance department. But I believe the problem isn’t romance per se. The problem is in the vast difference between what feels romantic to men as opposed to what feels romantic to women.

Yeah, it’s that ages-old differences thing again.

We men will try to give love and romance in the way we define it, as opposed to the way our wives do. When that doesn’t work (repeatedly, over years) we eventually conclude that we are romantically incapable, and we stop trying. Our wives sometimes contribute to this by either overtly stating it, or by their cool reactions to our ill-advised attempts at romance.

Rather than giving up on your man this Valentine’s Day, try to see it as is your chance to move things forward, romantically speaking, in your marriage.

Turn Around Your Expectations

Chances are if your husband has historically low marks in romance, he is not all of a sudden going to come up with a stunning Valentine’s Day plan. (That is, unless he happened to read my Man-Up Monday post this week.)

As hard as it is, I’m encouraging to re-focus your expectations from what you might get from your husband this year to what you can give him.

Switch your attention from trying to teach your husband how to romance you to instead trying to learn how to best romance him. 

You see, as I said, what feels romantic to you probably will not to him. You want his time and attention, a sense that you and your feelings matter, and to feel cared for. For him, those things probably will not do the trick.

Romance to him probably comes in completely different forms. Here are what I call the three A’s to romancing your husband:

• Admiration (of who he is) – Take a break from focusing on his inadequacies and shortcoming, and focus instead on his best qualities. Tell him WHY you love him. Believe with him in his dreams. Let him know that you see what’s inside of him, but also admire his physical appearance. He wants to know you are attracted to him.

• Appreciation (for what he’s done) – If your husband is like me, he thinks a lot about the balls that are dropping all around in his crazy life. Take a break from nagging him about what more he needs to be doing and instead thank him for what he is doing and has done. Genuine words of thanks do a lot more to spur him on than anything else.

• Affirmation (of his sexual nature) – You knew I’d get here eventually, didn’t you? Your husband wants you to affirm rather than shame or disregard him in this important area of your marriage. Understand that his desire for sex is actually a desire for intimacy with you. Don’t just tolerate his desires, but try to respond in kind. He wants to be wanted by you.

By asking you to focus on his romantic needs, I’m not telling you to settle for a husband who doesn’t know how to romance you the way you like. You should never give up on your desires for that. But I am saying that a man who is admired, appreciated and affirmed is much more likely to send a little romance back in your direction than a man who is starved for those things.

This Valentine’s Day think about how can incorporate the three A’s of husband-romance into it.

Do you have some specific suggestions for my readers on how they might show these things to their husbands? Leave a comment!

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle.*

It’s been a while since I’ve done a Wives Only Wednesday (WoW) post and even longer since I’ve touched on the topic of submission. Yes that.

Still reading?

I’ve been inspired to come back to this much-debated, much-maligned and much-misunderstood topic by two things. First, we’ve been covering this foundational concept in the marriage small group my wife and I are leading at our church, where we’ve had some great discussion.

Second, I’ve been reading a most excellent series on submission by Lori Byerly, aka The Generous Wife.  I’m doing a post-by-post summary of her thoughtful series over on my Facebook page along with some questions that I hope will spur some interesting dialogue. I encourage you to join the conversation there.

Today I want to challenge your thinking on submission by dispelling a few wrong-headed comparisons that people make concerning God’s design for marriage.

Boss-Employee – This is perhaps the most common misconception I’ve seen. This metaphor leads to thinking that submission is akin to being “managed” or having decisions made for you. The truth is that when the Bible says that a “husband is the head of his wife,” the Greek word there (kephale) does not have anything to do with him being the boss.

Captain-First Mate – The problem with this metaphor is that is makes the husband-wife relationship mostly about who gives and who takes the orders. It also implies the kind of blind obedience that is called for in a military operation, but that has nothing to do with marriage.

Master-Slave – Probably the most extreme interpretation, the master-slave metaphor gets invoked mostly by those attempting to make the Bible look extreme and ridiculous.

Parent-Child – This metaphor is just plain wrong in the way it subordinates and diminishes a wife’s role. It wrongly implies immaturity and inability on a wife’s part, and it lacks the proper acknowledgement of the kind of partnership marriage is meant to be. The parents’ authority over their children is not akin to a husbands authority in marriage.


Ephesians 5 invokes the head-body metaphor to describe the marriage relationship, so it is one we cannot easily dismiss.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 NIV

As with any metaphor, there are limits to the analogy.

As someone in our small group pointed out, I don’t think it’s accurate to say the husband does the “thinking” and the wife does the “doing.” Again, that’s too close to the giving/following orders paradigm that just doesn’t work for me. Likewise, I don’t think it is accurate to say that, as the head, the husband is the “command and control” center of the marriage and the wife just executes the will of the husband/head. Nope, that just doesn’t ring true.

I do like what the head-body metaphor says about oneness and inseparability. A head without a body is useless (and dead); likewise a body without the head. The two are intimately and permanently joined to their mutual benefit.

I also like what the metaphor says about the head looking out for the body. For example, when the body feels pain, the head reacts by directing the body away from the pain. The head is all about the protection, nurture, development and sustenance of the body.

The truth is that the husband-wife relationship is unlike any other. God created it to be unique, and that’s why so many of our metaphors fall short.

There is one metaphor, actually more of an analogy, that I think God had in mind from the very beginning of time. It’s the one Paul spoke of in Ephesians 5. It’s is the one that strikes me as providing the greatest insight on the martial relationship. I’m talking about how the relationship between husband and wife resembles the relationship between Christ and the church.

This is the great mystery of marriage and, for me, the very key to understanding God’s design for it.

This picture more than any other sheds light on God’s design for marriage:

• Clearly the oneness we share in marriage resembles the oneness we have with Christ. Implicit is the spiritual union that is part of the marriage covenant, as well as the knitting together of two souls.
• Husbands are directed to lavish unrelenting love upon their wives, just as Christ does on us. Further, husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives, emulating Christs sacrificial love.
• Wives are encouraged to submit to their husbands in a manner that reflects their submission to Christ. (Don’t carry the metaphor too far and make husbands out to be gods of their home).
• I like how our oneness with Jesus does not diminish who we are, but rather brings us into the fullness of who were designed to be. So too in marriage.

There are a whole bunch of other implications to the Christ-church comparisons. Offer your ideas with a comment below.