Journey to Surrender

Advent reminds you to expect great things in your marriage, but also to look for your spouse and for God to deliver in unexpected ways. 

Contrary to popular notion and the fact that stores have had their halls decked with red and green since October, we are not currently in the season of Christmas.  Technically, until December 25th, we are in the season of Advent. The church calendar observed by many Christians tells us that Advent starts four Sundays before Christmas.

Advent comes from a Latin word that means arrival. The season of Advent is all about expectancy and preparing to celebrate the arrival of Jesus on Christmas.

Advent helps us pause amidst all the shopping and decorating and cookie making to remember what Christmas is really all about: Jesus. In Advent we stir up our longing for Jesus and remember that he is the ultimate expression of God's love for us.

Longing, Waiting Yet Completely Missing It

The religious leaders of Jesus' day had been waiting more than 400 hundred years for the arrival of the Messiah. Yet because they had preconceived notions of the way in which he would come and how he would go about establishing his kingdom, they completely missed the fact that he was standing right before their eyes. Not only did they miss him, they went against him and killed the very one for whom they had been waiting.

Although Jesus came to Earth as a baby, his ultimate goal was to claim for himself an eternal bride. As is so often the case, there is a clear parallel between the spiritual and the marital as we think about Advent.

What are you longing and waiting for more of in your marriage? What preconceived ideas do you have of what that should look like when it comes?

I've written before about how expectations in marriage affect what we perceive (See my post Expectations: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly) . Expectancy bias  can cause you not to see something that's right in front of you because you aren't expecting it or are expecting it in different form.

• Do you miss your spouse's expressions of love because you are looking for them to express love the same way you do?
• Do you miss your spouse's sexual initiatives because they aren't as overt as you would like?
• Do you miss your spouse's small acts of kindness because you expect them to be grander? Or worse, because you don't expect him or her to be kind at all?
• Do you miss small incremental changes in your spouse for the better because you have given up hoping for change or because you want bigger changes?
• Do you discount efforts your spouse makes to help out with chores or errands because they don't do it exactly how you would?

I'm not saying you should settle. I'm saying you should look for and be thankful for every step in the right direction. Thankfulness, appreciation and recognition of the good things in your spouse and marriage will not only encourage your spouse in their efforts but will actually help you see them more easily.

Robyn of Up With Marriage has a great quote in her post this week "Desire to Please"

Whether you think positive or negative about your husband, either way you are right.

God Shows Up In Unexpected Ways

Advent and Christmas remind us of the lavish love, generosity and goodness of God toward us. It also reminds us that sometimes God shows up in ways we don't expect.

God is for you and for your marriage. But if he answers your prayers in ways you don't expect, will you miss it?

• Maybe instead of changing your spouse, he may want to change you?
• Maybe instead of improving your spouse's behavior to line up with your expectations, he may want you to grow in showing grace first?
• Maybe instead of instead of getting your wife to submit, he may want you to get better at selfless love?
• Maybe instead of causing your husband to lead in the way you think he should, he may want you to acknowledge your husband as head and to honor and respect him just as he is today?
• Maybe instead of getting your spouse to apologize, he may want you to be the one to reach across the gap between you that was created by your last argument?

One thing Jesus clearly showed us is that the Kingdom of God is often upside down and backward from conventional or popular thinking (be the greatest by being a servant, the last shall be first, foolish things confound the wise, love your enemies, etc.). So when it comes to your marriage, you might just need to be open to some unconventional and even counter-cultural answers from the Lord.

In fact, I'd expect it.

These last days of Advent, consider where you might need to adjust your expectations of your spouse and marriage in ways to allow you to celebrate all that is good in your relationship. 

And as we wait to celebrate God showing up on Christmas, remember that God may also show up in your marriage in ways you don't expect.

When it comes to PDA, the real question is "How much is enough?"

I'm a member of Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, and this month CMBA is sponsoring a blog challenge based on this picture by Kate Aldrich Photography (titles added by me).
Kate and her husband Brad, blog at One Flesh Marriage.

I'm a little late to the party with this post, and my take on the photo is somewhat different than my fellow CMBA bloggers (check out the list of other challenge posts in the comments on this CMBA Newsletter post).

My immediate thought upon seeing the challenge photo went to public displays of affection, or PDA.

I realize there are cultural and contextual limits to PDA, but I personally err on the side of more not less. Let me explain.

Proclaim Your Love

I appreciate couples who are willing to show the world that they are happily married, still in love and show affection for each other. No, I don't want to see a public make-out session or blatant groping, but I see a whole lot more of the other extreme: couples who practically act like strangers in public.

What I like about this photo is the way this couple obviously has affection toward each other. Although their actions are moderated by the umbrella, their love shines through.

Publicly showing affection for your spouse not only demonstrates your love, but it is a great declaration in support of marriage in general. "Marriage rocks! And I'm not afraid to show it!"

Below you'll find 15 ways to give the world a glimpse of your affection for each other.

Affection Doesn't Mean Indecent

Of course your spouse needs to be comfortable with whatever form of PDA you engage in, but there are plenty of ways ways to show affection without being indecent or inappropriate. For example:

• 1 - Hold hands while you walk through your neighborhood
• 2 - Kiss hello and goodbye regardless of where you are
• 3 - Put your arm around your wife in church
• 4 - Lean your head on your husband's shoulder in the theater while waiting for the movie to start
• 5 - Rest your hand on your spouse's knee while sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant (Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Tripplehorn, it is very much a married move).

I don't know of anyone who would find such actions offensive.

Non-Physical PDA

There are also tons of ways to show affection that don't involve physical contact. Here are just a few:

• 6 - Open your wife's car door for her. (Take her hand to help her from the car)
• 7 - Speak kindly (even brag) about your spouse to your friends and family
• 8 - Bring your spouse a cup of tea or coffee at the church coffee hour
• 9 - Send flowers to your wife at work

Public Secret

When you are away from home, there are other ways to show affection for each other that are for your eyes/ears only. Such acts of love add a sense of spice and adventure to your relationship while you are out and about. Some secrets that only the two of you will know:

• 10 - Make eye contact with each other and smile warmly across a crowded room. Give an air kiss.
• 11 - Let your husband know that you are wearing something special for him under your clothes (or that you aren't wearing anything!)
• 12 - Whisper something romantic in your wife's ear
• 13 - Steal a long, passionate kiss in a private hallway or dark parking lot
• 14 - Write a slightly racy text message about your plans for the evening. (You can make it racier if you have a private, secure messaging app like Couple or Avacado.)
• 15 - Leave a note where only your spouse will find it (wallet, purse, briefcase, etc). It can range from sweet to sexy.

What's your take on couples showing affection for each other in public? Would you like to see more of it in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

Sustaining intimacy in marriage is all about the daily choices we make.

Today's Friday Favorite post is an all-time top ten post that examines the truth that the intimacy in your marriage is either growing or declining - and you get to choose which.

Next week I'll be sharing some more from the "What is Intimacy?" poll responses I received last week, but for now I'll just share this chart.
What it tells me is that regardless of how long they've been married, on average couples are less than fully satisfied with the level of intimacy in their marriage - only "somewhat satisfied." There was surprisingly little variation over the years of marriage. (Exception: the one person who took the poll who was in their first year of marriage was "completely satisfied").

There is lots of room for improvement in the area of intimacy!!

Building and maintaining intimacy requires consistent attentiveness to your marriage. There is a natural drift onto The Path of Separation that happens when we take our eyes off the goal of having a deeper connection.

Check out this Friday Favorite post and the links to the whole intimacy series. Then determine to take some concrete action to put and keep your marriage on The Path of Intimacy.

By the way, if you haven't taken  my "What is Intimacy" poll you can still add your answers to the results. Take it here.


From the original post: Choosing the Path of Intimacy

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Intimacy is a funny thing. Not ha-ha funny. But strange funny.

Ask a dozen people what it is, and you’ll get 13 different answers. Men and women tend to define intimacy differently, and I think there are also some generational differences in how people look at it. It’s elusive and hard to pin down. If you ask a married couple if they are feeling intimate with their spouse at any given time, they will probably tell you how they feel (yes/no/somewhat), but they may not be able to say exactly why.

As elusive as it seems, most everyone seems to understand its importance to marriage.  As my new reader survey results continue to show, intimacy is one of the most sought after topics on my blog. So even though I've touched on it periodically, I decided it's time to really give the topic the attention it is due.

Intimacy is a Living Thing

It is important to understand that intimacy is organic; it’s a living thing. As such it is either growing or dying. Very few living things can stay dormant for very long and still survive.

Regardless of how you define intimacy, you are either growing toward each other or growing away from each other as a couple. I look at this dynamic as a couple either being either on the Path of Intimacy or on the Path of Separation. And make no mistake; you are on one or the other.

The Path of Separation

When left to inertia and natural human tendencies, intimacy will tend to decline. It just doesn’t happen on its own. It takes a conscious effort to get on and stay on the Path of Intimacy, whereas the Path of Separation is easy to enter and even easier to stay on.

This is why so many couples seem to wake up one day suddenly asking themselves questions like: “where has the passion gone?” or “why does he always treat me like that?” or “why doesn’t she trust me?” or “why does he leave everything to me?” or “does she always have to be such a nag?” or “isn’t she attracted to me any more?”

The Path of Separation that leads to these questions can be a subtle one. You may be on it for months or even years before you realize that you are in a marriage that lacks the kind of intimacy and passion you once had; the kind of intimacy and passion you desire. Often by that time old habits and patterns of thinking are deeply ingrained, making it difficult to reverse course and get back on the Path of Intimacy.

But it is possible. Very possible.

The Path of Intimacy

Wouldn’t you rather wake up one day saying things like: “Wow, I didn’t know it could be that good after all these years,” or “I can’t believe we are still so in love,” or “this just keeps getting better and better,” or “I’m so thankful I married my best friend,” or “You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

I plan to spend some time on the important topic of how to choose the Path of Intimacy. I want to look at how the choices we make either put us on the right or wrong path when it comes to intimacy. I want to examine things that destroy intimacy and things that build it up.

If you desire a more deeply intimate marriage, stick around for this series and join in on the discussion.


Index to the rest of the Intimacy Series:

1. Intimacy - It's Not What You Think!
2. Intimacy - Choose Trust
3. Intimacy - Choose to Lose the Shame
4. Intimacy - As Much as You Want
5. Intimacy - The Most Important Ingredient

It's not too late to plan something special for Valentines Day! 

At my house we usually do it up big time, but, alas, this year my valentine is half way around the world on a ministry trip. All I could manage was a card and a small box of chocolates in her suitcase.

I know not every couple celebrates Valentines Day, but if you are wanting to celebrate the "day of love" but still don't have a plan, don't worry. I'm here to help you out with links to 20 different posts full of fabulous romantic ideas.

You're not the romantic type, you say? Bah. It's really not that hard. Just read below and get on the ball!

My Best Romantic Valentines Day Ideas

Here a few of my best romantic ideas, personally tested by yours truly and guaranteed to be a hit.

The Numbers Game - What do you love about your husband or wife? Here's your chance to say them all in a fun and creative way. Write down all the reasons you love your spouse, as many as you can think of,  and spend the entire day revealing them all to him or her.  I share specific creative ways to do this!

Romantic Balloon Pop - A really fun one! Think up a dozen little  fun/romantic activities,  love-coupons, or little gifts. Blow up a dozen red, pink and white balloons and put each item, or something representing it, or a clue to where it is hidden inside the balloon. Have your spouse pick a balloon and pop it! You can pop them all at once or spread the fun throughout the day!

Homemade Luxury Spa - No money for a spa gift certificate? No worries. Create your own in-home spa experience! I tell you how. It's not as hard as you might think, and definitely more fun and intimate than any gift certificate!

Romantic Surprise Getaway - No, this one's not for the faint of heart. My lovely wife describes a romantic surprise getaway I planned for her not long ago. This kind of thing can be rather involved, but it's well worth the time and effort, believe me!

You can always search my blog for more romantic ideas.

Love Coupons, Posters and More

Printable cards and coupons are a quick and easy way to say, "I love you." Many of these can be customized for the love of your life.

Printable Candygram Posters from the Dating Divas

Printable Valentine's Day Cards with Bible Verses from Time Warp Wife

Printable Love Coupons from The Marriage Bed

Fill-in-the-Blank Valentine’s Love Notes from the Dating Divas

More Lists and Ideas

Here is a list of lists, full of ideas too numerous to count.

14 Romantic Valentine’s Day Date Ideas from Fulfilling Your Vows

Six Valentine’s Day gifts your husband actually wants from Dave Willis

Romantic Valentine Ideas from Debi at the Romantic Vineyard

What I Really Want for Valentine’s Day (Maybe You Do Too) from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous

15 Manly Gifts to Give Your Guy This Valentines (Real Ideas From a Guy) from Intentional Today
Valentines Day Thoughts

These posts aren't exactly gift ideas in the traditional sense, but they may inspire some ideas.

The Ultimate Valentine's Gift from The Generous Husband

What Women Rally Want for Valentine's Day from the Dating Divas

How to Make it a Valentine’s Day He Won’t Forget by Debi of The Romantic Vineyard on the Engaged Marriage blog

3 Things I Am Doing For My Husband Leading Up To Valentine’s Day from Unveiled Wife

Here's are two posts I wrote for Valentines Day a while back:

• For Wives - A Little Romance His Way
• For Husbands - The Other 364 Days 

So there they are. All the Valentines Day resources you could need. I'm sure there is something for everyone among these links. There's still plenty of time left to make this Valentines Day a memorable one!

Do you have a Valentines Day idea to share with our readers? Help us out and leave a comment!

Discover the key factor that distinguishes a great sex life from a poor one.

The fact that our society has largely separated sex and marriage does not change the fact that God created sex as the ultimate expression of marital intimacy. A healthy amount of sexual intimacy is essential to the strength and longevity of every marriage, yours included.

But how much sex constitutes a "healthy amount?" It's a question that every couple needs to answer for themselves, of course, because needs and desires vary greatly from person to person.

I can however, tell what most couples say is enough sex based on the 450 responses to my Sexual Satisfaction Survey. (Get the full report in my free download here).

Beyond Frequency

Before I share with you the numbers from my survey, I want to stress that sexual frequency is not the sole determining factor in sexual satisfaction. If you aren't both actively engaged and  fully aiming to meet each others needs during lovemaking, then regardless of the frequency, it's not likely to lead to a fulfilling sex life. Those needs will vary greatly between men and women, between the high-drive and low-drive spouse, the stage of your marriage, and also depend on what is happening in your marriage outside the bedroom.

Still, I would argue pretty strongly that in most cases, sufficient sexual frequency is a minimum requirement for a healthy, happy sex life.

Now let's look at what constitutes "sufficient."

The Once-a-week Wall

In my survey results, there was a direct correlation between sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. That is, more frequent sex led to a higher level of reported sexual satisfaction for both husbands and wives.

Overall, the people who took my survey reported an average of about 7 sexual encounters per month or a little less than twice per week. (I didn't ask people what qualifies as a sexual encounter.)

Here is the interesting part: there is a stark divide in the numbers, as portrayed in the chart below.  It's what I call the "once-a-week wall."

What it shows is that couples who had sex more than once per week (left side of the wall on the chart) reported vastly different levels of satisfaction than couples who had sex less than once per week (the right side of the wall). And the difference was dramatic.

Overall, couples who had sex more often than once per week were 12 times more likely to report having a great sex life than those having sex less than once per week. Specifically, 59% of those having sex more than once a week gave themselves an 8, 9 or 10 in overall satisfaction on a 10 point scale ("a great sex life"). Only 5% of those having sex less than once a week reported having a great sex life.

There was a similar dramatic divide in those reporting a poor sex life (1, 2 or 3 on a 10 point scale). Couples having sex less than once per week were 11 times more likely to rate themselves as having a poor sex life. Specifically, 69% of those having sex less than once a week reported a poor sex life, but only 6% of those having sex more than once a week were in the group with the lowest satisfaction.

What Does This Mean for You?

If you are a husband or wife who has made sex a low priority, for whatever reason, it's time to change that. Begin with being aware of how much sex you are having, then set a goal to improve on that, ultimately working toward having sex at least twice most weeks.

Figure out what is impeding sexual intimacy in your marriage and make the necessary changes to eliminate those impediments.  Being your spouse's only valid avenue of sexual satisfaction is both a great privilege and sobering responsibility.

If you are a husband or wife whose spouse does not seem interested in more frequent sex, who even maybe is completely withholding sex from you, it's time for some direct dialog on the subject. Or maybe it's time for an additional, and perhaps different, direct dialog.

And it's time to get God involved in some three way conversation. He has thoughts on this subject that I'm sure he would like to share with you and your spouse if you invite him to.

If whatever you have tried in the past isn't resulting in the progress you want, it's time to try a different approach.

Do What it Takes

I'm not suggesting that you beg more sincerely or shout more loudly. No, I'm talking about having a sincere dialogue about what's missing in your marriage on more than just a sexual level. Is there enough intimacy in other forms? Emotional? Spiritual? Do spend enough time together? Do you get real with each other?

I often find that sex is simply a barometer of what's happening elsewhere in the relationship. Step back and take an honest assessment of the whole of your marriage.

There are a bunch of my marriage blogging friends that focus on sexual intimacy in marriage. Check out what they have to say about how to improve your sexual relationship and how to deal with high-drive, low-drive issues, among other topics. Here are but a few suggested resources:

• The Generous Husband
• The Generous Wife
• One Flesh Marriage
• The X-Y Code - Decoding the Male Mind
• Intimacy in Marriage - Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexual Intimacy
• Hot Holy & Humorous - Sex & Marriage by God's Design
• Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire
• Bonny's Oysterbed - Encouraging the Low-libido Wife through a Christian Lens.

Bonny has two posts from yesterday and today that are very timely to our discussion: Starting the Sex Conversation, and Gently Blunt Sex Conversations. I highly recommend these thoughtful posts.

Is my finding of the once-a-week wall surprising to you? Does it line up with the experience in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

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If you'd like to see more fascinating results from my recent Sexual Satisfaction Survey, you can download my free e-book from Noisetrade.

The e-book digs into the intimate lives of 450 marriages with the purpose of helping you have a meaningful dialog with your spouse about sexual intimacy. Each section lists key takeaways from the findings and offers questions that can prompt open conversation.

Get my brand new free eBook "How to Have a Succ-sex-full Marriage" now! 

What married couple doesn't want more intimacy? If my New Reader Poll is any indication, it's a universal desire.

I actually think intimacy should be the main goal of every marriage, as I explained in What If Intimacy Matters Most.

It's important to grow together in all forms of intimacy, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, intellectual or whatever. But sexual intimacy is the only form of intimacy uniquely designated by God to be enjoyed inside the bounds of the marriage covenant. You are your spouse's only valid avenue to sexual fulfillment, and that makes physical intimacy both a wonderful privilege and a significant responsibility.

Intimacy Requires Vulnerability

My observation is that many couples struggle in their sexual relationship, settling for a less-than-satisfying sex life. Why? Because your sexual relationship is a place of extreme vulnerability, and vulnerability brings with it the opportunity for hurt feelings, misunderstandings, accusation and shame. This makes it hard for many couples to communicate constructively about sex, choosing instead to keep their true feelings hidden from their spouse.

If that describes your marriage, or if you just want to take things to a new level, I've got a great resource for you that can prompt a deeper dialog with your spouse about the physical intimacy in your marriage. It's a free e-book, How to Have a Succ-sex-full Marriage, available for download through Noisetrade books. Based on the results of a sexual satisfaction poll I ran on my blog and social media outlets, the findings represent an inside look at the intimate lives of 450 marriages.

Intimacy, in whatever form, requires vulnerability. Perhaps physical intimacy requires greater risk than any other, but the rewards are greater too. Lovemaking is where intimacy in your marriage reaches its zenith. God designed it that way.

So I encourage you to get my new e-book and use it to help you engage with your spouse in meaningful and helpful conversations about the sexual intimacy in your marriage. Each section includes key takeaways from the survey findings and questions to prompt discussion.

Don't Settle

One of the findings from the poll was that only 7% of respondents ranked their sex life 10 on a 10 point scale.  That means for 93% of us, there is room to grow in sexual intimacy. Truthfully I believe even the 10's have room to grow. There is always more intimacy available.

In a recent post, Sexual Settling, blogging friend Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband talks about why it's important not to just settle for the sex life you have. I agree with what he says, "Failing to have the sex life God intended seems to me as wrong as failing to follow His will in any other area of our lives."

Sexual intimacy is important to every marriage - to YOUR marriage. God designed it that way. He designed our bodies for pleasure and then asked us give them away to each other for our mutual satisfaction and fulfillment. 

I hope you'll get my new e-book, and I hope and pray it will help in your journey toward deeper sexual intimacy in your marriage. And I hope you'll come back here after you've read it and let me know what stood out you or surprised you in the findings.  Or feel free to send me an email. My contact info is here.

It's time to renew your dreams and even add to them. It's never too late.


A few days ago I turned 55. I can hardly believe that number.

Of course I know that 55 is mathematically only one year older than 54, but somehow the prospect of being closer to 60 than to 50 has been tough on me mentally. Whatever age you are, you've probably had certain milestone birthdays that have been more difficult than others. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Right?

Victory, Not Decline, Is Our Destiny

Compounding this benchmark birthday, or maybe because of it, I've been feeling like too many areas of my life are in decline recently. I've had a few health issues (nothing major), I've stepped down from leading worship to focus on marriage ministry, which isn't going like I'd hoped it would: book still unfinished, small group curriculum unpublished, blog posts getting fewer and farther between, new website remains a distant dream.

I could go on, but  you get the point. Too many things not going in the direction I want them to.Discouragement abounded.

Then the other day I stumbled across a little verse that seemed to be straight from the Lord to my heart. It is from The Passion Translation, which I highly recommend for it's insight into the heart of God.

And say to Archippus, “Be faithful to complete the ministry you received from our Lord Jesus and don’t give in to your problems until they yield the victory God intends for you to have!”

Colossians 4:17 (TPT)

As the footnote in The Passion Translation explains, "We can only speculate why Paul wanted this exhortation to be made to him. Some believe he was a minister of Christ who was discouraged and needed to be exhorted to not abandon his calling."

When I think about the trials and discouragement those in the early church faced, my meager difficulties seem pretty minor. Still, Paul's words of encouragement spoke to me.

No matter your age, whatever the reason, we all have seasons where we feel discouragement, decline and/or disappointment. Just like with Archippus, God doesn't want us to give up! He wants us to hold onto hope, to hold onto him until victory comes. And it does come. God  has a destiny for you and me that is greater than anything we could dream or imagine.

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams].

Ephesians 4:20 (AMP)

Hope For Your Marriage

Although my marriage is not one of the areas where I am battling disappointment, I know I need to never give in to the idea that marriages inevitably decline. It's a lie that I never want to agree with. I know there are a lot of couples who have lost hope. Maybe past hurts, years of disconnection and pain, or a basic lack of intimacy on any level have left you feeling hopeless and helpless.

We can take heart in the fact that God is a redeemer and a restorer. It's his nature. It's who He is and what He does. We can cling to that truth. I've seen him do miracles in so many hard, seemingly hopeless marriages.

What unfulfilled dreams do you have for your marriage? What desires have you let go of? What dreams do you want to add to those you have already?

I strongly believe that there is always more ahead for every marriage. More love. More intimacy. More passion. I believe it for my marriage, and I believe it for yours. Even the best marriages can discover deeper levels of these things. And struggling marriages can rekindle them again.

Where to Start

Start with God. It might sound trite, but it's a powerful truth that the love you need to sustain your marriage is best found in the One who is Love.

As the Apostle Paul prays in Ephesians 3, we are to never stop pursuing a deeper understanding of the powerful, relentless love of God. First, because it's critical to learn how He feels about us. Second, because He longs to equip us with His love in the journey of our marriages. God's love is our foundation.

Second, change the way you think. Allow God to renew your hope and to speak heaven's perspective into your dreams. He is a good Father who has great things to say to you. Seek Him and His heart for you, your spouse and your marriage.

Then begin to do little things to work on you and the way you interact with your spouse. There is no magic formula here. Reach across the divide between the two of you with kind words and small gestures of love. Do your best to focus more on what you can give than on what you expect to receive. There will be setbacks, but press on. Pray a lot. Forgive quickly. Let grace abound.

Here's a little extra encouragement I read recently from Nitty Gritty Love, When Your Marriage Seems Hopeless.

No matter how long you feel like your marriage has been in decline, don't give up hope. It's never too late for God to move and turn things around. 

Do you have a story of God working  to save or restore your marriage? Share your story with a comment.

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Here are just a few encouraging testimonies of restored marriage dreams from some fellow marriage bloggers:

• Forgiven Wife 
• J Parker of Hot, Holy and Humorous 
• Brad & Kate of One Flesh Marriage 
• Jennifer of The Unveiled Wife
• Robyn Gibson of Up With Marriage, shares her story on the Forgiven Wife blog: A 365 Day Journey
• The Peaceful Wife 
• Bonny at Bonny's Oyster Bed

Sin was the problem. Grace was the method. Intimacy was the goal.

Holy Week, Good Friday and Easter have come and gone, but I want to pause today to reflect on the significance of this most holy season and what it means for your marriage.

What Does Easter Have to do With Marriage? 

Actually, a lot more than you might think.

For starters, you have to understand that marriage was on God's heart before time began. Before he set the world in motion, he knew he would need to send his Son, Jesus, to claim an eternal bride.

Marriage, your marriage, is the picture God chose to show us his passionate pursuit of us.

Next consider the symbolism of the Lord's supper on Maundy Thursday. In celebrating the Passover, Jesus takes a cup of wine and offers it to his disciples. This act mirrors the traditional Jewish offer of betrothal in which the groom offers his bride a cup of wine. If she accepts it, she is accepting his marriage proposal. She is declaring her acceptance of the marriage covenant. In effect, she is saying "I am yours, forever."

The Problem, The Method, The Goal

The forgiveness of our sins was not the goal of the cross. I realize that statement could be misinterpreted, but hang with me.

Yes, sin was the problem that separated us from God. Sin needed to be dealt with, and Jesus was the only One worthy of that task. But forgiveness was not the goal.

You see, I believe that sin was the problem. Grace was the method. But intimacy was the ultimate goal. 

Jesus stepped out of heaven, came to earth and died a cruel death in order for us to have an intimate and eternal relationship with God, starting right now. Easter, by way of the cross, gives us intimate and permanent access to the Father.

The Marriage Message of Easter

In religion we have a tendency to get hung up on rules. Rules make us comfortable, because we think they tell us if we are okay or not. Are we "in" or "out?" Are we "good" or "bad?"

But Jesus came to do away with the law (rules) and to replace it with His grace. We are "in" and "good" because of Him. No good we could do got us in. Grace got us in and keeps us in.

Jesus cares a lot more about our love relationship with Him than our ability to follow all the rules. That's why he had such a problem with the Pharisees. They followed all the rules, but their hearts were far from God. (Matt 15:8)

How often in our marriages do we put rules ahead of the relationship? Our rules are all the expectations and demands we heap upon our spouse. It's the bar of acceptability we require them to jump over before we will love them in return, before we will surrender ourselves to them, before we will give back.

But that's not how Jesus loved us. That's not the message of Easter. No, grace abounded "while we were yet sinners." (Rom 5:8)

Consider this passage that kicks off Paul's famous chapter on marriage:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.  Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG)

In the afterglow of Easter, consider the extravagance of Jesus' offer of grace, and consider the unconditional nature of his love for us. Love your spouse like that.

Grace is an invitation to intimacy. It's as true in your marriage as it is in your walk with God.

Are there areas where you have let rules and expectations hinder intimacy? Consider how growing in grace toward your husband or wife might deepen the intimacy between  you. Move in the direction of grace and see how love, intimacy and passion grow in your marriage.

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I was inspired to write this while reading Kate's excellent post over at One Flesh Marriage, 3 Things the Cross Teaches us About Marriage.  Be sure to check it out.

Helpful posts for marriages hurting from a lack of sexual intimacy

I promised in my last post, The Gift of Sex - When Your Spouse Won't Give It, to follow up with links to some great posts by fellow marriage bloggers on this important topic.

As I said in my last post, marriages fall into the sexual doldrums at a sad and alarming rate. Unfortunately there are no silver bullets, no magic answers. Every marriage that is struggling with sexual intimacy is as unique as the two individuals involved.

But don't give up. There is hope and healing. God is a redeemer and He is FOR your marriage.

Below you will find a lot of different posts written by different bloggers with different perspectives. Check them out.

The beginnings of your answer may be found in one of these great posts.

Posts for Husbands of Low-Drive Wives:

Why She Has a Low Sex Drive - from The Generous Husband
When a Wife Won't Have Sex - What Does the Bible Say?  from the Forgiven Wife
Want a Happier Marriage? Just Ask from Mission:Husband
Dealing With Anger Over Sex  from The Generous Husband
My Wife Hats Sex from Brad at One Flesh Marriage

Posts for Wives of Low-Drive Husbands:

When your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive from the Happy Wives Club
Confessions of a Higher-Drive Wife from J of Hot, Holy and Humorous
Help! My Husband Doesn't Want Sex l Kate at One Flesh Marriage

More Helpful Posts

One former withholding wife's story: Living in a Near Sexless Marriage  from Forgiven Wife.

Four posts encouraging wives regarding sex from the Generous Wife:
     You Have a Sex Drive
     It's All Connected
     A Loose Thought
     But What About

Some conversation-starting posts to share with your spouse:

Intentional Sex  Why it pays to be deliberate. From Do Not Disturb blog.

Has Your Husband Stopped Initiating Sex? from Julie at Intimacy in Marriage (Read the Comments)

Survey from The Marriage Bed regarding frequency - How Much Is Enough?  Pretty much lines up with my recent survey results.

Get your sex life off the merry-go-round and ride the roller coaster once in a while.

As part of my Gift of Sex series, we have looked so far at giving more sexually, both in terms of frequency and engagement.

Today I'm concluding my Gift of More segment with one more area that comes into play for many in determining sexual satisfaction: variety.

Sexual boredom can hinder sexual fulfillment whenever couples fall into narrow routines that limit activities during lovemaking. It's easy to get comfortable and even lazy, because we humans tend to be creatures of habit. We tend to gravitate toward familiar patterns.

Competing Chemicals

There is an interesting tug of war going in your head, whether you realize it or not. Brain science has shown that these two competing forces are: 1) our desire for comfort and 2) our need for adventure.

Young love is dominated by the presence of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, which act like a narcotic and give us that head-over-heels-in-love feeling. Over time, these chemicals lessens and are overtaken by oxytocin, which is important for bonding the long-term relationship and puts us in a more contented, even keel state.

What does all this have to do with sexual variety?

The excitement in our brains over new sexual experiences causes us to feel similar sensations to when we were in that early, head-over-heels, giddy-in-love stage of our relationships, aka the honeymoon phase.  At the same time, over the same set of experiences, we can also experience fear and be driven by a desire to seek “safer ground” for the relationship.

When it comes to sex, our desire for the security and safety of the familiar fights against our desire for the thrill of the new and different. Depending on your personalities, one or the other of these may have a stronger influence on you than on your spouse.

Where's the Line?

You see a lot of marital advice about "keeping things fresh" in the bedroom. Certainly changing things up from time to time and trying out new sexual territory together can keep your relationship from getting stale, but it's important to keep focused on the fact that sex is designed to build intimacy. Growing in intimacy should be at the heart of every discussion you have about new sexual experiences.

The goal of sexual exploration is not experiences for the sake of experiences, but experiences for the sake of building intimacy.

So where is the line between what's okay to explore and what isn't?

The fact is that the Bible doesn't draw many of those lines. If it stays between two married people and both agree, then it's probably not out of bounds from a biblical perspective. But just because it's permissible, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

'I have the right to do anything,' you say—but not everything is beneficial. 'I have the right to do anything'—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

1 Cor 10:23-24 NIV

Exploring new things together (whether in or out of the bedroom) can certainly yield increased excitement and intimacy, as long as it is done in a healthy and selfless manner.

The Merry-Go-Round and the Roller Coaster

Sex drive and personality both play a significant role in the level of sexual adventure you are comfortable with. A high drive spouse who is the adventurous type is going to want to do a lot more exploring than a lower drive spouse who tends to be more conservative in nature. In addition, you or your spouse may have some history or past baggage that causes you to consider certain erotic behavior as being "over the line."

In general, I think every relationship needs a balance between tried-and-true and new-and-different. If your sex life is mostly like a merry-go-round, get off it once in a while, step outside of your comfort zone, and take a spin on a roller-coaster. You might just find a roller-coaster or two that you actually enjoy.

Expressing sexual desires requires a degree of vulnerability. However, your spouse might be more interested in accommodating your interests than you realize. In my recent survey, 98% of husbands and 86% of wives agreed or agreed strongly that they should at least try to accommodate sexual requests made by their spouse. Even among wives who did not see their husband's sexual satisfaction as their responsibility (just 11% of all wives), greater than half agreed that accommodating requests was still a good idea.

My friend, Paul Byerly, of The Generous Husband, wrote an excellent post on his X-Y Code blog that explains sexual exploration using a playground analogy:

Bottom Line: Your husband probably wants to play in more of the playground than you do. Please do not blame this on his porn use or past sin. While those things do have an effect, men free of those influences also want to explore most of the playground. His desire to play on all the toys is part of being a man; it is part of how God made him. 

I strongly suggest you read Paul's entire post, He Wants to use the Entire Playground, which includes six specific steps you can take if you and your spouse aren't quite on the same page concerning sexual exploration.

Don't Settle

Society will try to feed you the lie of inevitable sexual decline. Don't buy it. Sure there are challenges to keeping your sex life exciting for the long haul, but there are plenty of things you can do to stoke the flames of desire and excitement if you are willing to take a little bit of risk once in a while.

Here's a specific challenge to prompt you to action: take turns with your spouse bringing something new to your sexual repertoire once each month for the next six months. (Work out between you whether or not you want to talk about it ahead of time or if you want it to be a surprise "in the moment.")

I'm curious to know. If you could choose between increasing sexual frequency and increasing the variety of your sexual repertoire, but not both, which would you choose? Leave a comment. 

Christmas is coming! Here is your last minute gift help!

I'm interrupting my Gift of Sex series for this very important post!

I probably don't need to remind you that Christmas is only 9 days away. Sorry if that gives you sweaty palms. But not to worry. I'm here to help.

Before I offer the promised help, I would like to remind you (once again) that Christmas is NOT about gifts. Sure, if you are like me you probably enjoy the chance to bless your wife (or husband) with a nice gift. But don't lose your focus. Remind yourself that we are celebrating the ultimate gift.

The God of the Universe stepped out of the perfection of heaven and came to Earth as a man to win you and me as His eternal bride. Now that's a gift.

Now back to the main reason for this post.

Indeed, I've been watching out for you, studiously monitoring my inbox, Facebook, Twitter and blog reader feed for Christmas gift idea lists from marriage bloggers I follow and respect. I'm sure you can find a great gift idea for your spouse among these lists!

So relax and click away...


What to Get Your Husband:

Wife’s Gift Guide to Knock Your Hubby’s Socks Off! 2014 Edition from Kate of One Flesh Marriage

Gifts for Him from Lori, The Generous Wife

Romantic Gift Ideas for Him from The Romantic Vineyard

15 Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Husband from Jennifer, The Unveiled Wife

Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband from Sheila of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

50 Gift Ideas for Him, Under $20 Each from Darlene at Time Warp Wife

10 Sexy, Manly Items for Your Hubby’s Christmas Stocking from J at Hot, Holy and Humorous


What to Get Your Wife:

Christmas Gift Guide to Wow Your Wife – 2014 Edition from Brad of One Flesh Marriage

What Does Your Wife Want for Christmas? From J at Hot, Holy and Humorous

Gifts for Her from Paul, the Generous Husband

Romantic Gift Ideas for Her from The Romantic Vineyard

The all-important What Not to Give Her For Christmas list from First Things First

Gift Ideas for Women from Jolene Engle

10 Creative Gifts That Cost Little or Nothing form Jerry Stumpf of Cracking the Marriage Code


More For Him or Her:

The One Flesh Marriage Gift Idea Archive from One Flesh Marriage

Christmas Gifts to Nurture the Soul from Sheila at To Love, Honor and Vacuum

For the wives of husbands who struggle with the whole gift thing: Giving Your Husband Gift Giving Help from The XY Code

How to Get the Perfect Present for Your Spouse from Simple Marriage

Top Marriage Book Picks from Hot, Holy and Humorous

From Journey to Surrender

Sign up for my Pathways monthly marriage newsletter and get a free copy of the updated and expanded Intimate Connections, Print out the 20 fun fill-in-the-blank intimate conversation starters and put them in a nice binder.

See my archive of Romantic Ideas. Dozens of romantic gift ideas for her and even some for him.

Do you  have a gift idea? Care to let us in on what you are giving your spouse this Christmas? Do you know of a good idea list that should be added to my list of lists? Bring it on! Comment!

You can move your sex life from "have to" to "want to."

With this post and the next one we are getting down to the nitty-gritty of marital needs.

Today is a Wives Only Wednesday post, so you guys can tune out. I'll deal with you next week in a follow up Men only Monday post.

People are still taking my marital needs poll, in which I asked husband and wives to answer this question: "What is the one thing you need most from your spouse?" (You can add your own answer by clicking here).

Though the final results aren't in yet, there are some pretty clear trends emerging. Today, I'm going to tell you, wives, about the need that more husbands chose than any other.

First the Facts

By a significant margin, more men reported needing "a satisfying sex life" as their number one need than any other need. Overall, 49% of husbands reported sex as their number one need, as compared to 2% of wives.

For comparison, the second most reported number one need for husbands was "being respected," which came in at 14%.

Here's the tough part. Of those 49% of husbands who stated sex was their most important need, 58% said their need was not being met very well at all, giving their wives a 1, 2 or 3 on a ten point scale. On a more positive note, 22% said their need for sex was being met well (7-10 score).  The other 20% fell in the middle.

Here's a question for you to consider: how enduring will a marriage be when a spouse's most important need is going almost completely unmet?

From "Have To" to "Want To"

I thought it would be best, considering the sensitive nature of sex in marriage, to get some assistance with this post from some of my female blogging friends who have recently written some excellent posts on the topic. So I contacted them and asked if I could use excerpts from their posts, and both graciously agreed.

Robyn Gibson of Up With Marriage did a couple of great posts on the issue of sex.  In her first post on this topic Serving Through Sex she examines the key distinction between "have to" and "want to." As she explains, in her own life moving from "have to" to "want to" was a matter of adapting her thinking to God's plan for sexual intimacy in her marriage.

Adapting enables the flesh to grow up. Adapting is what changes the stoic ‘have to’ in our flesh of obedience into the loving ‘want to’ in our spirit. 

She adds this scripture:

And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.

Ezekiel 11:19

Her point here is that when women think of sex as simply "serving their husbands," it is more of an obligation - something only for his benefit. But that's not how God intends sex to be in the marriage relationship. She concludes her post with the example of a husband who "serves" his wife by reluctantly agreeing to dinner and a movie, but freely admits he would rather have just unplugged and read a book.

He is in the mindset of “I have to” not “I want to.” It feels deceitful and is an affront because when we read, "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25), we know God didn’t mean for Christ to love the church through conciliatory gestures.  Have to is serving. Want to is loving. I don’t want my husband to have to love me; I want him to want to love me.

So, back to the sex of it … as long as I feel that I am serving my husband through sex, it will always be a conciliatory gesture and never authentic genuine love.

Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Have to is serving. Want to is loving. 

There's another great quote from Robyn in the part 2 of Serving Through Sex.

The reason many of us have of a hard time wrapping our minds around this juxtaposition is because we try to reason in our flesh that we need to understand what God is asking of us before we do it. We wrestle with thoughts like:  “If it would just make sense then I could adapt.” Or,“If I just knew how this was going to turn out.” Or,“If I do this, how can I be sure that it will be fair?” Or at the very least, we want to be assured that our spouse won’t take advantage of us in the slightest. It seems we want some kind of guarantee before stepping out in faith. 

Stepping out in faith requires that we relinquish our need for a guarantee that everything will work out in our favor.

As Robyn explains, Jesus' submission to the will of the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane was not an act of service. It was an act of love.

Love says, my desire is to do what your will is. 

Serving through sex is a method for a wife to compartmentalize the act itself. She will be able to have sex and at the same time not be fully engaged: only as much as she has to be.

When I trust that God’s ways are excellent I will adapt to His plan for marriage. The submission of my whole self in marriage will demonstrate to God that I am all in. Nothing will be held back. I won’t be stuck in the mindset of having to serve my brother through sex. Instead, my transformed heart will want to have sex with my husband.

Guided by the Holy Spirit, Not Emotions

Chris, who writes the Forgiven Wife blog, encourages wives with the testimony of her marriage, and how God transformed her heart and her marriage after twenty years of sexual "gatekeeping."

In a recent series, Chris shares the story of Janna Allen, a wife whose marriage underwent a similar transformation, The series is titled Journey of Change and starts here.   In the third post of her story, Janna explains why she thinks this transformation will stick.

I believe it is because it is NOT based on what I am “feeling”, physically or emotionally.  It is based on conviction and love, love of my Lord and my husband.  No matter if my sexual desire dips (which it does), it’s not an option to do nothing.  Or no matter how I am feeling towards my husband at the time (which I have had hurt and anger to work through this past year), it’s not an option not to work through things and go back to a “self-protective” state where I build walls and harbor unforgiveness and /or bitterness.

I could never have done it without the conviction and power of the Holy Spirit, and I believe that it will only be through Him that this will be a forever change. Where I am concerned, all that’s dependent on me is a surrendering and obedience to Him, because by nature I am way too selfish, independent, rebellious, and prideful to keep up an act of serving and loving my husband without some supernatural help and empowerment.

As I explained in my last post, Are You A Love or a Worker, being guided by love doesn't mean you are guided by emotion. Rather, you can choose to focus on the truth, despite what your emotions might tell you. One of those truths is that, as a believer, you have the fullness of the Holy Spirit inside you - the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. That is power!

Practice allowing your spirit to rule over your soul (mind, will and emotions).

More of You

If you struggle in the area of sexual intimacy with your husband, here is a notion that might help you shift your mindset. Rather than thinking of your husband as simply wanting more sex, realize that what he really wants is more of you.

He wants the kind of intimacy with you that only a thriving sexual relationship can enable.

Let your love for God and your love for your husband, empowered by the Holy Spirit, transform your "have to" into a "want to." Who knows, maybe you might even end up at "get to."


Next time: The Number One Need of Wives

How Your Husband Spells Romance: S.E.X.

On Monday I wrote to husbands about their need to keep the romance alive daily and not just on Valentine's Day.

Today I am addressing wives in a similar, although slightly different vein.

In the Aftermath

How was this Valentine's Day for you? Did your husband go all out and spoil you? Did he make an effort but fail badly in the romance department? Did he fail to put much thought into it? Did he maybe even forget the day altogether? Did you turn things around this year and rock his socks off? Or perhaps you and he decided not to celebrate the day at all.

Regardless of whether the holiday left you feeling delighted or disappointed, spoiled or spurned, I want to encourage you not to put too much emphasis on a single day. It's just a day, after all.

There is no reason to put all your romantic eggs into one basket!

For Those Feeling Delighted

If Valentine's Day left you feeling spoiled and romanced, why not spend the next few weeks (or months) being particularly attentive to your husband.

The truth is that your husband probably likes to be romanced just as much as you do. It's just that romance usually is defined differently for men than it is for women.

Let me spell it out for you. Women spell romance L.O.V.E. Men spell romance S.E.X. 

That may sound a little crass. It isn't intended to be. Sure your man probably likes little gifts, words of respect and affirmation and kind gestures just fine. But if he isn't sexually satisfied, all those things will fall short when it comes to making him feel loved. It has to get physical. Sex says "I love you" to a man.

For Those Feeling Slighted

If Valentine's Day left you with a bad taste in your mouth, maybe even feeling a little resentment on top of your disappointment, let me encourage you to try a little "love as if."

What I mean by that is for you to imagine how you would respond if your husband totally blew you away in the romance department, and respond to him that way, regardless of how he actually "performed."

What is interesting is that when you begin loving your husband as if, then he is much more likely to begin acting as if. So take my suggestions above for "delighted wives" to heart and give your husband some loving - his way. 

More Than Duty

By encouraging you to love on your husband in a more physical way, I'm not talking about giving him duty sex. As much any man likes additional physical attention from his wife, if he senses you are not really into it, not fully present and into him, it will be less than fulfilling for him.

If you tend look at sexual intimacy with your husband as more of a duty than a privilege, it may require that you approach sex a little differently than usual. Start by being more playful and flirtatious. Give him an obviously extended kiss goodbye and then text him later and tell him there is another kiss like that waiting for him when he gets home. Change up your sleeping attire to something that is more about his preference than your comfort.

Just as I encouraged husbands earlier this week to be a student of their wives in the romance department, so too you should be a student of your husband when it comes to pleasing him sexually.

You might want to do some reading to get a different sexual mindset. I suggest two blogs written by Christian women who write mostly to women about sex. J's Hot, Holy and Humorous, Julie Sibert's Intimacy in Marriage. There are many others as well, including The Marriage Bed, that offer sexual advice from a Christian world view.   

Finally, let remind you to remind yourself that sex is for you just as much as it is for him. It's a gift from God intended to bring pleasure and unmatched intimacy to every marriage.

So will you take up my post-Valentine's Day challenge and focus on loving your husband with increased physical affection? If you do, I believe you'll see tremendous fruit in your marriage as a result.

Postscript: I know that there are plenty of wives who are the high drive spouse in their marriage. For you this post isn't all that helpful. I plan to address that topic in a future W.o.W post.

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Here is some suggested post-Valentine's Day reading from other blogs:

• From Marriage Gems: Do You Wish Valentine's Day Never Existed? Lori reminds us that romance is for both of you.
• From the Happy Wives Club: Take the 21 Day Valentin's Day Challenge  - This challenge focuses a bit more broadly than mine.
• From Up With Marriage:  The Day of Lovers  - Valentine's Day should be more about giving than getting.

Submission and strength go hand in hand.

A few weeks ago I promised to follow up my two posts on biblical headship for husbands by giving wives equal time. (If you missed them, the posts are here: "Good and Strong" and "That's Not Headship").

So I turn now to looking at your role in marriage as described in the New Testament scriptures. Hang onto your hats, ladies, because we're talking about...

Submission? Today? Really?

Most of you have probably at least heard that there is something about wives and submission in the Bible. Some of you may even know the verses by heart.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

You can choose to ignore these verses or pass them off as out of date for our modern world.  But my belief is that if it's in the Bible, especially if it's in the New Testament, it's probably something God cares about today and something we should try to understand.

Seeking Understanding

Most of the women (and men) that have a problem with submission have a wrong understanding of what it actually is and what it isn't. That's what this post and my next post are about. understanding true biblical submission.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of explanation in the scriptures about submission. So people seek out understanding from a lot of different sources. For example:

• Feminism - women don't need men in the first place and calling a wife to submission is like calling her to a life of slavery.
• Culture at large - 50/50 is the best way to run a marriage. Equality is the goal. Submission is unfair.
• Wrong paradigms - Captain/first mate, pilot/co-pilot, CEO/VP, etc.

None of these sources are biblical. None of them work as a model for marriage. The one we should focus on is the only one in the Bible: marriage is to be a reflection Christ and the church. Specifically, you are to submit yourself to your husband as you do the the Lord.(No husbands are not gods or equal to Christ. It means you should glean lessons for your marriage from way in which you submit to Christ).

Submission and Strength

As I pointed out in my earlier posts for husbands, we often wrongly assume that goodness (being loving) and strength are mutually exclusive.But the corresponding call for husbands to love and lead their wives as Christ does for the church means that they should be both strong and good, just like Jesus is.

In a similar fashion, you may mistakenly think that, as a wife, you cannot be both strong and submissive. So too for you, submission and strength are both important dimensions of your role as a wife. They are not mutually exclusive.

Here is how I frame it up:

The upper right quadrant, the one labeled "church-like," is what I think the Bible calls you to as a wife: to be both strong and submissive.

Forget the notion that submission means you are are to be a slave or a doormat or a Stepford automaton. No, the church-like imperative means you are to be empowered by your husband, secure and confident in his love, with a sure sense of God-given identity and purpose. 

But your strength does not conflict at all with the call for you to honor your husband with your respect, to follow and support him in humility, or to be selfless in giving your husband your love and devotion.

The truth is that true biblical submission requires real strength. It requires you to have the mental strength to do battle with the lies you hear all around you about the 50/50 marriage paradigm, about needing to look out for yourself and to stand up for your rights. It requires the emotional strength to face your doubts and fears. And it requires strength of will to let go of your need to control, to follow God's design for your marriage and to follow your husband's lead.

Yes, you can and should be both strong and submissive in your marriage. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Your submission actually makes you powerful.  True submission is a gift you give to your husband, because when submission is demanded or coerced it isn't submission at all. The choice is wholly yours.

Where do you tend to struggle the most in your marriage, with submission or with being strong? Share your story, leave a comment.

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Next time we'll take a look at what happens if you falter in either the strength or submission dimension of your role as a wife. Until then, you might want to check out what some other wives have to say about what submission means to them.

More Reading from wives on this topic:

• What Submissive Wives are Not by Nina Roesner of The Respect Dare

• Why More Women are Using the "S" Word by Sara Horn, author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife (book review coming soon!)

• The Submission Series - a thoughtful and thorough ten part series from Lori at The Generous Wife.