Journey to Surrender

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

How to Get Lean [Wives Only Wednesday]

9:37 AM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

Earlier this week my Man-up Monday post “Which Way Are you Leaning" challenged husbands to step up and lean into their marriages a little more, to get engaged at a deeper level.

Today I’m addressing wives about their role in getting their husbands to lean in and engage. (Sorry if you were looking for a post on a different kind of lean!)

Note: The inverse rule for Man-up Monday applies here. Husbands can eavesdrop on this post, but you may not use this as a weapon on your wife!

One Root of the Engagement Issue

You’ve probably heard the feminist adage:

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

It’s sadly ironic that this phrase, often quoted by feminist Gloria Steinem, but originally coined by Irina Dunn, is actually derived from another even more appalling philosophical quote:

Man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle.*

I very intentionally aim what I write in this blog toward Christian marriages, so I doubt that many reading here would subscribe to the second quote. However, I wonder how many Christian wives have subtly bought into the first quote without even being aware of it.

The truth is, God designed husbands and wives to need each other. He hardwired us with a desire for martial intimacy, because its’ a model of our desire for intimacy with God and his desire for intimacy with us. As it is with God, we can stuff down or try to deny that need, but it is there whether we admit it or not.

While modern feminism has done great things for women’s rights, I’m afraid there has been some significant collateral damage. One of the unintended consequences is the issue I’m addressing today: husbands failing to engage in their marriages. There is a prevailing societal message to husbands that they are superfluous, or worse, an impediment to a woman’s fulfillment, something to work around instead of someone to work with. This message is so pervasive that it seems to have been completely normalized – just accepted as the way things are, without a conscious thought.

Is it any surprise, then, that men often fail to lean in and take up their place in their marriages?

What’s a Wife to Do?

First, I suggest that you acknowledge your need for your husband. This may or may not be difficult for you to admit, but either way I encourage you to press fully into the truth that in marriage you and he are “one flesh,” which means that you are spiritually, sexually, emotionally, and financially one. Being one in all things means that operating independently from him is not an option. Your husband is not another thing to put on your to do list, because your relationship to him is unlike your relationship to anything else in your life.

That’s not to say that you have to both be involved in everything together – that’s a total overreach. But if your mindset tends toward seeing your husband as an impediment instead of a partner, you need to change your thinking.

Maybe having the right mindset is not your issue. Perhaps you are just frustrated that you cannot get your husband to engage, to lean in and fully partner with you. So what can you do to encourage your husband to step up and take a more active role in your marriage and family?

Show Him You Need Him

Whether from societal messaging, the tendencies of his own personality or the strength of yours, or because he senses your desire for independence, your husband will respond positively if you just show him that you need him.

But how you do that matters – a lot.

If you express your need for him to engage in the form of demands or ultimatums, he will receive it as disrespect and criticism, which will only drive him to further disengage. Whining, complaining and angry tirades will have the same negative result of pushing him further away.

Here are a few suggestions for an alternate approach.

Show affection. Instead of asking “why don’t you ever do the dishes?” Instead, try resting your head on his shoulder and saying, “I’m so tired. I know you are tired too, but can we quickly take care of these dishes together and then go snuggle up on the couch and relax?” Focus on your need, not his behavior. I know what you are thinking, if I snuggle with him then I might have to…” That leads me to the next topic.

Show him you want him sexually. You might not see an obvious connection here, but most (though not all) men see sex as a path to connection and intimacy, whereas most women need connection and intimacy in order to be open to sex. But chances are that if you make the first move in this marital game of cat and mouse, assuming you actually show genuine desire for him, he will almost certainly respond by engaging in other areas. Let me be blunt: if your husband feels rebuffed sexually he will eventually disengage from your marriage.

Show admiration and appreciation. Thank him for every bit of engagement he delivers. “Thank you so much for listening to me go on and on tonight about my work situation. It’s so good for me when you help me see things more clearly. I love how you always see the big picture.” Even if his attention seemed to drift once in a while during the conversation, acknowledge the positive and don’t harp on the negative. If you reinforce the positive, you will see more of it.

There is no quick fix, but if you consistently demonstrate your love through admiration, affection, appreciation and sexual connection it’s highly likely that your husband will respond positively.

I’m sure I’ve missed some tips for getting your husband to be more fully engaged. What approaches have you taken to help your man lean into your marriage?

*Phrase finder source: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html

Labels: Being One Flesh, Difficulties, Intimacy, Love, Wives only Wednesday | 2 comments

Monday, July 2, 2012

Which Way Are You Leaning? [Man-Up Monday]

5:01 PM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

Today I’m addressing husbands as part of my occasional Man-Up Monday feature. (Ladies, you can eavesdrop, but this is NOT a weapon for you to use against your husband. Stop back on Wednesday for your half of the “leaning” equation.)

Listen up guys! I’m challenging you to do a bit of serious self-reflection today about your level of engagement in your marriage. Before you jump to your default defense, “I do plenty for my wife and kids,” please read and consider this post in its entirety.

Leaning In or Leaning Back

Here’s the deal: Way too many husbands these day are leaning back when it comes to their marriages. For a whole host of reasons, they have opted not to engage the leadership capacity they have been blessed with. When they forsake their roles, they leave their wives to bear the brunt of family and marital responsibility.

Leaning into your marriage means lowering your shoulder and doing the heavy lifting in your home. I’m not talking about moving furniture, though that may be required occasionally. What I’m referring to is making your marriage a high priority, being willing to do the daily work of making your marriage great by completely engaging with your wife and by being the kind of loving leader she wants and needs.

Below I offer up a few stereotypical examples of husbands who are leaning back. Though they are somewhat overstated and oversimplified, look for signs of these gentlemen in your own life and marriage:

Absent Andy – Andy is an absentee father and husband. He’s constantly traveling on business, working late hours, and when he is home he disrupts family time with business calls and is chained to his Blackberry 24/7. His career is his highest priority, though he tries to convince himself that he is doing it all in order to provide for the family. Andy completely misses the fact that his wife would much rather trade her Lexus for a Chevy and have more time with her husband.

Paycheck Paul – Paul is a close cousin to Andy. He sees his family responsibilities ending once his paycheck is deposited in the bank. Despite being driven by the almighty dollar, he often leaves the burden of actually managing the finances to his wife, though he is quick to criticize her decisions from the back seat. Paul and his wife are little more than a roommates, married in name only.

Distant Dan – Dan is leaning way back, completely disengaged from his wife and family. He has decided that he has no authority or is afraid to exercise it. He doesn’t take responsibility for much of anything and declines to make decisions. He may claim the excuse that his wife is just going to criticize him anyway, so he doesn’t even try. He has given up on leading his family, but his wife receives his indifference as a lack of love for her.

Sporty Steve – Steve is completely preoccupied by sports (insert the name of your outside interests here). He pours all his mental and emotional energy into watching sports on TV or attending sporting events. He lives and breathes sports but does little to share his passion for sports with his wife and family. He shows no interest in the things she cares about, claiming he has no time. He doesn’t see that his actions make her a practical widow.

Heavy-Handed Harry – Harry has the opposite problem of the other guys, but I'm including him here as a reminder that you can err on the other side. He’s a bit of a thug in his own home. Instead of leaning back and disengaging, he abuses his authority and oppressively leans on his wife in a demanding and demeaning way. He can be pushy and overbearing, treating his wife as if she is there to do his bidding. He doesn’t see that he is driving her away, possibly into the arms of another man who will treat her better.

Man Up and Lean In

It’s probably true that none of these guys describes you exactly, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t areas of neglect in your marriage; areas where you could engage more fully; areas where you could lean in just a bit more.

I encourage you to look through this list of areas where you might consider leaning in a bit more and making sure you are engaging on a level that is appropriate – a level that says “I love you” to your wife:

Financially – budgeting, planning, managing money, setting goals
Spiritually – praying with and for your wife and family, attending church together, talking about what God is doing
Sexually – yes there are men that need to hear this
Parentally – guiding and instructing the kids, discipline, spending time with them, giving your wife time off
Practically – helping out with the house, yard, dishes, cooking, laundry
Recreationally – planning vacations, fun activities with the family, movies, sports
Emotionally – being available and interested in your wife’s life, emotionally supportive, being a friend
Romantically – non-sexual touch, sweet notes and love letters, hold hands, date nights

Maybe you think I’m asking you to be superman with this list. I’m not saying you need to do all these things all the time. I’m saying you need to lean into them. Talk the list over with your wife and find out what things are most important to her. Ask her for her input, and prioritize accordingly.

I’ve discovered that wives everywhere are longing for their husbands to lean in a little more, take a bit more responsibility and engage more fully. Doubt me? I dare you to ask your wife.

photo credit: Flicker

Labels: Authority, Children, Family Life, Man-up Monday, Men | 4 comments