Journey to Surrender

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Gray Divorce Epidemic

3:47 PM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

In the past few weeks I’ve seen multiple stories reporting on the issue of “gray divorce.” News outlets from The Wall Street Journal to NPR have featured stories on this heartbreaking phenomenon.

Most of these stories reference a recently published study called “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” co-authored by sociologists Susan Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University and I-Fen Lin.

The Facts

In 1990, one in ten divorces occurred in couples ages 50 and older. In 2009, that number doubled to two in ten. For those previously married, it has skyrocketed to one in four, a 250% increase.

Over the two decades represented by the study, there has been a significant increase in the percentage of people in this age group on their second and third marriages. In 1980 45% of singles were divorced. In 2009, that percentage increased to 58%. The marriage failure rate is historically much higher for multiple marriages.

The Real Problem? The ME Generation!

While general societal acceptance of divorce and the increased earning power of women are both sited as key factors influencing the rise in gray divorce, I tend to pin it on something else.

The baby boomer generation, which I am part of, is also called the “Me Generation.” That’s a fitting but sad moniker and also a key to understanding the gray divorce epidemic.

Dr. Brown describes the attitudinal shift concerning marriage that occurred with this generation, which had “for the first time, a focus on marriage needing to make individuals happy, rather than on how well each individual fulfilled their marital roles." She goes on to say that the problem “springs at least in part from boomers' status as the first generation to enter into marriage with goals largely focused on self-fulfillment.”

In other words, with the me generation, marriage became all about me and making me happy, rather than about us becoming one and serving one another.

Sadly, this “it’s all about me” notion has become even more prevalent in subsequent generations.

Don’t believe me? Just listen to the abject selfishness extolled by this Fox Business "expert commentator" (a divorce attorney extraordinaire, whatever that is) in her report on this study:

Did you count how many times she said “me” and “my” and “I” in explaining and defending the gray divorce trend. Did you catch this gem: “It’s time to think about me as an individual, not as a marital partnership.”

What? I’m sorry, but to me she kind of misses the whole point of marriage, at least of marriage how I think God intends it to be. And this goes to the very heart of the problem.

Today, while about to put up this post, I came across an amazing quote. Thanks to my therapist niece for sharing it:

‎"Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."

Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas

It sums up the problem pretty well.

In my next three posts I’ll share my thoughts on what can be done to fight the gray divorce epidemic. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Links to My Three Remedies for Gray Divorce:

Remedy 1: Seeing the Larger Purpose of Marriage - it's not just about your happiness
Remedy 2: Taming the Me-Monster - why selfless love is the best kind
Remedy 3: Getting Your Priorities Straight - keeping marriage before your kids or success

Labels: Commitment, Marriage, Society and Culture, Videos | 7 comments

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

How to Get Lean [Wives Only Wednesday]

9:37 AM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

Earlier this week my Man-up Monday post “Which Way Are you Leaning" challenged husbands to step up and lean into their marriages a little more, to get engaged at a deeper level.

Today I’m addressing wives about their role in getting their husbands to lean in and engage. (Sorry if you were looking for a post on a different kind of lean!)

Note: The inverse rule for Man-up Monday applies here. Husbands can eavesdrop on this post, but you may not use this as a weapon on your wife!

One Root of the Engagement Issue

You’ve probably heard the feminist adage:

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

It’s sadly ironic that this phrase, often quoted by feminist Gloria Steinem, but originally coined by Irina Dunn, is actually derived from another even more appalling philosophical quote:

Man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle.*

I very intentionally aim what I write in this blog toward Christian marriages, so I doubt that many reading here would subscribe to the second quote. However, I wonder how many Christian wives have subtly bought into the first quote without even being aware of it.

The truth is, God designed husbands and wives to need each other. He hardwired us with a desire for martial intimacy, because its’ a model of our desire for intimacy with God and his desire for intimacy with us. As it is with God, we can stuff down or try to deny that need, but it is there whether we admit it or not.

While modern feminism has done great things for women’s rights, I’m afraid there has been some significant collateral damage. One of the unintended consequences is the issue I’m addressing today: husbands failing to engage in their marriages. There is a prevailing societal message to husbands that they are superfluous, or worse, an impediment to a woman’s fulfillment, something to work around instead of someone to work with. This message is so pervasive that it seems to have been completely normalized – just accepted as the way things are, without a conscious thought.

Is it any surprise, then, that men often fail to lean in and take up their place in their marriages?

What’s a Wife to Do?

First, I suggest that you acknowledge your need for your husband. This may or may not be difficult for you to admit, but either way I encourage you to press fully into the truth that in marriage you and he are “one flesh,” which means that you are spiritually, sexually, emotionally, and financially one. Being one in all things means that operating independently from him is not an option. Your husband is not another thing to put on your to do list, because your relationship to him is unlike your relationship to anything else in your life.

That’s not to say that you have to both be involved in everything together – that’s a total overreach. But if your mindset tends toward seeing your husband as an impediment instead of a partner, you need to change your thinking.

Maybe having the right mindset is not your issue. Perhaps you are just frustrated that you cannot get your husband to engage, to lean in and fully partner with you. So what can you do to encourage your husband to step up and take a more active role in your marriage and family?

Show Him You Need Him

Whether from societal messaging, the tendencies of his own personality or the strength of yours, or because he senses your desire for independence, your husband will respond positively if you just show him that you need him.

But how you do that matters – a lot.

If you express your need for him to engage in the form of demands or ultimatums, he will receive it as disrespect and criticism, which will only drive him to further disengage. Whining, complaining and angry tirades will have the same negative result of pushing him further away.

Here are a few suggestions for an alternate approach.

Show affection. Instead of asking “why don’t you ever do the dishes?” Instead, try resting your head on his shoulder and saying, “I’m so tired. I know you are tired too, but can we quickly take care of these dishes together and then go snuggle up on the couch and relax?” Focus on your need, not his behavior. I know what you are thinking, if I snuggle with him then I might have to…” That leads me to the next topic.

Show him you want him sexually. You might not see an obvious connection here, but most (though not all) men see sex as a path to connection and intimacy, whereas most women need connection and intimacy in order to be open to sex. But chances are that if you make the first move in this marital game of cat and mouse, assuming you actually show genuine desire for him, he will almost certainly respond by engaging in other areas. Let me be blunt: if your husband feels rebuffed sexually he will eventually disengage from your marriage.

Show admiration and appreciation. Thank him for every bit of engagement he delivers. “Thank you so much for listening to me go on and on tonight about my work situation. It’s so good for me when you help me see things more clearly. I love how you always see the big picture.” Even if his attention seemed to drift once in a while during the conversation, acknowledge the positive and don’t harp on the negative. If you reinforce the positive, you will see more of it.

There is no quick fix, but if you consistently demonstrate your love through admiration, affection, appreciation and sexual connection it’s highly likely that your husband will respond positively.

I’m sure I’ve missed some tips for getting your husband to be more fully engaged. What approaches have you taken to help your man lean into your marriage?

*Phrase finder source: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html

Labels: Being One Flesh, Difficulties, Intimacy, Love, Wives only Wednesday | 2 comments