Journey to Surrender

Strength and goodness are independent variables in the equation of a husband's biblical leadership.

Welcome to my revamped and renamed series for husbands. If you are a long-time reader, you'll note the name change from "Man Up Monday" to "Men only Monday."

There are two basic reasons for the change. First, the term "man-up," intended as a slightly tongue-in-cheek expression, was misinterpreted by some as an accusation or indictment against men in general. I don't want to come across as husband-bashing.

Second, I use "Wives only Wednesdays" for my occasional mid-week posts directed at wives. That title rightly indicates a broader focus than just the role of wives in a biblical marriage. The Men Only title will also clarify that the occasional series for men is similarly broad in scope.

One of my goals for 2014 is to more regularly address husbands and wives separately through Men Only Monday and Wife Only Wednesday posts.

Enough with that, on to today's post.

Real Headship

The degree of misunderstanding and consequent outrage over what it means for a husband to be the "head" of his wife is a continual source of frustration for me. It's also a source of motivation for me to work diligently to educate and inform about this contentious issue with clarity and biblical backing.

I'm not going to spend any time in this post revisiting the arguments over the Greek lexicon or whether kephale actually means head. I've read and researched extensively on both sides and can only interpret Ephesians 5 to mean the husband is intended by God to have a kind of authority in marriage. Call it authority, call it leadership, call it headship, call it whatever you will, but whatever term you use, just make Jesus your definition of it.

Charting Biblical Headship

So the question to me is not so much whether  or not you, as a husband, have a God-ordained headship role in your marriage, but rather what that should look like.

I came across something on another blog recently that got me thinking about the attributes of strength and goodness and how these are really independent variables from each other in framing a husband's authority.

Confusing or equating these two attributes of your leadership can lead to a lot of confusion and mistaken understanding. To lend some clarity to this concept, I've put together the chart below:

What the chart clearly depicts is that there is only one quadrant that fits the biblical description of  how you should walk out your authority: with significant degrees of both strength and goodness.

In my next Monday post I'll go a little deeper into what biblical headship is not, by digging into the other three quadrants. But today I want to focus on the "Christ-like" quadrant.

A Strong Husband

The strength axis is a measure of your degree of leadership in your marriage (and family). Rather than being measured by how many decisions you make or rules you set forth, it's measured by your degree of emotional and physical presence. Yes, decisiveness is necessary and often helpful, but it's not the primary measure of leadership.

Demonstrate your leadership strength through your engagement with and involvement in the day to day life of your family. Be vigilantly aware of what's going on and how what's going on affects your wife and family. Be a proactive leader by stepping in and taking action when things start to go off track before crisis sets in.

Christlike leadership also looks like reliable provision, consistent protection, clear direction and unwavering trustworthiness.

A Good Husband

Goodness in a husband, to me, relates most directly to how he loves and serves his wife.

The tricky part of goodness is that "goodness" looks different for different women. Do you know what words and actions best say "I love you" to your wife? Do you do them on a consistent (daily) basis?

For many wives, love needs to be expressed in the form of feeling emotionally connected and knowing that her needs are understood and important to you. These require a significant degree of communication through conversation with your wife, not something all men are skilled at or comfortable with. Then it requires that you act in a manner consistent with your understanding.

Goodness means expressing your leadership with the heart of a servant. Self-serving leadership is what gives biblical marriage a bad rap, and it will cause your wife to resist your leadership and withhold her submission. Selfless leadership is what Jesus models for us. Learn from His example.

What do you think of the way I've charted biblical headship? Did I miss anything significant in the chart above? Share your thoughts in a comment.


Next: What Headship is Not

In addition to buying gifts for your spouse, I suggest that you also consider giving a gift to your marriage.

In today's post I've suggested a number of excellent marriage books all geared toward fueling the sexual intimacy in your marriage. Many of the resources listed below are in the form of ebooks, which allow you to make an investment in your marriage inexpensively.

To purchase through the affiliate links below, simply click on the book image.  By doing so, you'll be helping to support this ministry.

Pursuit of Passion
Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage
by Jeffrey Murphy, Julie Sibert, Glynis Murphy and Randall Sibert

Mini Review:

• This would be a great book to give each other, because it's written for both husbands and wives and explores both sides of the sexual equation.
• I appreciate the way the book explores sexual intimacy from all sides, spiritual, emotional and physical aspects.
• From the book's authors: "we offer you detailed suggestions on building your sexual connection and pleasure, as well as overcoming common struggles that rob couples of authentic sexual intimacy.

How to Give It:

• Husbands or Wives can give this ebook. I suggest printing the cover page, putting it in an envelope and tagging it from you to "Our Marriage."
• I suggest you read it separately, but discuss each chapter together by answering the "Going Deeper Together" questions at the end of each chapter.

 Sex Savvy
A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives
by J. Parker

Mini Review:

• Written for wives by J. Parker, the creator of the Hot, Holy and Humorous blog.
• Packed with practical how-to tips culled with a smattering of sexual theology, J has pulled this convenient compendium from the pages of her witty and informative blog.
• From J "Do you want to be a hottie in the bedroom without sacrificing holiness? Would you like someone to share real-life tips on making the most of God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage? In Sex Savvy, author J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous gives candid advice for wives on everything from kissing to oral sex to orgasm to sexual positions—all from a Christian perspective."

Giving Suggestions:

• Men, DO NOT buy this for your wife! It will likely convey to her a message of inadequacy. I would suggest Pursuit of Passion instead.
• Ladies, buy this ebook for yourself. Print a copy of the cover and put it in a card for your  husband with a little note (use your imagination).
• Alternately, wives could put this on your Christmas list.  Put a ;-) by it.

31 Days of Great Sex
By Sheila Wray Gregoire

Mini Review:

• Written as a series of 31 daily challenges, this ebook comes from the author of "To Love Honor and Vaccuum" blog.
• The challenges walk through the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of your sexual relationship.
• Each daily entry has a few pages of background on the topic, plus exercises to do individually and together as a couple.

Giving Suggestions:

• Consider giving this gift to each other and doing the challenge during January to kick off the new year by focusing deliberately on building up your sex life.

Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Mini Review:

• Available in both ebook and paperback form, this is another great resource from Sheila Gregoire to help wives fuel the sexual intimacy in their marriage.
• I read this book when it came out last year and found it to be full of great advice.
• From Amazon: "In the Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, author Sheila Wray Gregoire helps women see how sexual intimacy was designed to be physically stupendous but also incredibly intimate."

Giving Suggestions:

• Men, DO NOT buy this for your wife! It will likely convey to her a message of inadequacy. I would suggest Pursuit of Passion instead.
• Ladies, buy this ebook for yourself. Print a copy of the cover and put it in a card for your  husband with a little note (use your imagination).
• Alternately, wives could put this on your Christmas list.  Put a ;-) by it.

If you've read any of these, feel free to leave your review in the comments!