Journey to Surrender

Submission and strength go hand in hand.

A few weeks ago I promised to follow up my two posts on biblical headship for husbands by giving wives equal time. (If you missed them, the posts are here: "Good and Strong" and "That's Not Headship").

So I turn now to looking at your role in marriage as described in the New Testament scriptures. Hang onto your hats, ladies, because we're talking about...

Submission? Today? Really?

Most of you have probably at least heard that there is something about wives and submission in the Bible. Some of you may even know the verses by heart.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,  when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

You can choose to ignore these verses or pass them off as out of date for our modern world.  But my belief is that if it's in the Bible, especially if it's in the New Testament, it's probably something God cares about today and something we should try to understand.

Seeking Understanding

Most of the women (and men) that have a problem with submission have a wrong understanding of what it actually is and what it isn't. That's what this post and my next post are about. understanding true biblical submission.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of explanation in the scriptures about submission. So people seek out understanding from a lot of different sources. For example:

• Feminism - women don't need men in the first place and calling a wife to submission is like calling her to a life of slavery.
• Culture at large - 50/50 is the best way to run a marriage. Equality is the goal. Submission is unfair.
• Wrong paradigms - Captain/first mate, pilot/co-pilot, CEO/VP, etc.

None of these sources are biblical. None of them work as a model for marriage. The one we should focus on is the only one in the Bible: marriage is to be a reflection Christ and the church. Specifically, you are to submit yourself to your husband as you do the the Lord.(No husbands are not gods or equal to Christ. It means you should glean lessons for your marriage from way in which you submit to Christ).

Submission and Strength

As I pointed out in my earlier posts for husbands, we often wrongly assume that goodness (being loving) and strength are mutually exclusive.But the corresponding call for husbands to love and lead their wives as Christ does for the church means that they should be both strong and good, just like Jesus is.

In a similar fashion, you may mistakenly think that, as a wife, you cannot be both strong and submissive. So too for you, submission and strength are both important dimensions of your role as a wife. They are not mutually exclusive.

Here is how I frame it up:

The upper right quadrant, the one labeled "church-like," is what I think the Bible calls you to as a wife: to be both strong and submissive.

Forget the notion that submission means you are are to be a slave or a doormat or a Stepford automaton. No, the church-like imperative means you are to be empowered by your husband, secure and confident in his love, with a sure sense of God-given identity and purpose. 

But your strength does not conflict at all with the call for you to honor your husband with your respect, to follow and support him in humility, or to be selfless in giving your husband your love and devotion.

The truth is that true biblical submission requires real strength. It requires you to have the mental strength to do battle with the lies you hear all around you about the 50/50 marriage paradigm, about needing to look out for yourself and to stand up for your rights. It requires the emotional strength to face your doubts and fears. And it requires strength of will to let go of your need to control, to follow God's design for your marriage and to follow your husband's lead.

Yes, you can and should be both strong and submissive in your marriage. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Your submission actually makes you powerful.  True submission is a gift you give to your husband, because when submission is demanded or coerced it isn't submission at all. The choice is wholly yours.

Where do you tend to struggle the most in your marriage, with submission or with being strong? Share your story, leave a comment.

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Next time we'll take a look at what happens if you falter in either the strength or submission dimension of your role as a wife. Until then, you might want to check out what some other wives have to say about what submission means to them.

More Reading from wives on this topic:

• What Submissive Wives are Not by Nina Roesner of The Respect Dare

• Why More Women are Using the "S" Word by Sara Horn, author of My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife (book review coming soon!)

• The Submission Series - a thoughtful and thorough ten part series from Lori at The Generous Wife.

The change you seek in your marriage starts with you.

I heard a disturbing advertisement on a local radio station this week. The crux of it was something like this: "You know you are tired of suffering in your bad marriage. Hey it's a new year, why not  make a plan to get out of your marriage this year." It was an ad for a divorce attorney group.

Seriously? Do people really think this "It's a new year so get rid of your old marriage" ad will be effective? Is the divorce business so bad that divorce attorneys need to actually try to push people into divorce?

After shaking off the disgust, the ad actually gave me the idea for this post.

Time For a Change?

Let me encourage you in an entirely different direction than the divorce attorney ad. Yes, if you have a struggling or difficult marriage, maybe it is time to get a different one.

But I'm not talking about divorce and re-marriage. I'm talking about changing the marriage you have.

What's the best thing to focus on when something has got to change? You already know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. It's YOU!

The truth is that you CAN change your marriage. But it isn't going to happen by trying to change your spouse. No, it starts with changing you. Ultimately, that's the only thing you really have control over anyway.

Most of us can easily list the things we'd like to change about our spouse. It takes a little brutally honest self-reflection to make a list for yourself.

Now to be clear, I'm not talking about just beating yourself up. I'm talking about getting before God and asking the Holy Spirit to shine light into the dark corners of your life. God is NOT an accuser, so if you feel accusation, that's the enemy. But God does want to grow you into the fullness of all that he has for you and all that he has for your marriage.

What do you do when the issues seem insurmountable and change seems impossible? Dr. Corey Allan at Simple Marriage has a great post called "Every Day, Take Action." I suggest you read the entire post, but in summary he describes three simple steps to meaningful change.

1. Get the right mindset and gain the proper perspective. See the issues before you as an opportunity to grow. Know that God is completely for you and for your marriage.
2. Own your own junk. Pack off the other stuff. As I said, you have to own your own issues and take responsibility for your own missteps, as well as for your own happiness. Own what's yours, but don't try to own what isn't. You can't own your spouse's issues.
3. Take action every day to live according to what you hold dear.  When the road ahead seems steep and rocky, just concentrate on the next step. Look to what you can do today to live according to what you know to be true, despite your circumstances.

We Can Do Hard!

I don't want to downplay those in difficult marriage situations. Really hard stuff happens. Maybe you've even suffered infidelity or some other devastating blow to your marriage relationship. Maybe you've lost a close relative and your marriage has taken it on the chin as a result. Maybe financial difficulties have you constantly fighting over money.

There is stuff that is really, really hard. No denying it.

My wife and I have a saying that has developed in recent months. "We can do hard."

God is eternally faithful, even if our spouse is not. His love is unflinching, even when ours changes as often as the weather. His promises are true, even when we aren't so sure of them. He is strong when we are weak. He is steady and steadfast, even when our patience wears thin. He is for us, no matter what.

God is what makes us able to say, "We can do hard."

If you are facing longstanding issues and need a little encouragement, go read my last post, "The Weight, The Wait and the Hope."


A Different Marriage

Whether you are in a marriage that is struggling or one that is thriving, there is always room to grow. There is always deeper intimacy, more passion, stronger trust and better communication.

There's always more!

We all have stuff to work on that can lead us to a different, better marriage. Never grow complacent, because your marriage is a living organism. It's either growing or dying. There really is no static state.

If you want something more, something different, then you have to actually do something different.

So think about what you want more of in your marriage. Maybe even just start with one thing. Then ask God what you can change about what you are thinking, doing and speaking that can help bring that about. 

If you could have more of one thing in your marriage this year, what would it be? Leave a comment and let us know!

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I wanted to share a few of the many great related "New Year" posts from my blogging friends:

• Brad at One Flesh Marriage: Marriage Renovation
• Kate at One Flesh Marriage: Cleaning House
• Jolene Engle of The Alabaster Jar guest posts at A Biblical Marriage: All Things Made New
• Jay Dee of Sex Within Marriage guest posts at A Biblical Marriage: How to Follow Through on New Year's Resolutions