Journey to Surrender

You can move your sex life from "have to" to "want to."

With this post and the next one we are getting down to the nitty-gritty of marital needs.

Today is a Wives Only Wednesday post, so you guys can tune out. I'll deal with you next week in a follow up Men only Monday post.

People are still taking my marital needs poll, in which I asked husband and wives to answer this question: "What is the one thing you need most from your spouse?" (You can add your own answer by clicking here).

Though the final results aren't in yet, there are some pretty clear trends emerging. Today, I'm going to tell you, wives, about the need that more husbands chose than any other.

First the Facts

By a significant margin, more men reported needing "a satisfying sex life" as their number one need than any other need. Overall, 49% of husbands reported sex as their number one need, as compared to 2% of wives.

For comparison, the second most reported number one need for husbands was "being respected," which came in at 14%.

Here's the tough part. Of those 49% of husbands who stated sex was their most important need, 58% said their need was not being met very well at all, giving their wives a 1, 2 or 3 on a ten point scale. On a more positive note, 22% said their need for sex was being met well (7-10 score).  The other 20% fell in the middle.

Here's a question for you to consider: how enduring will a marriage be when a spouse's most important need is going almost completely unmet?

From "Have To" to "Want To"

I thought it would be best, considering the sensitive nature of sex in marriage, to get some assistance with this post from some of my female blogging friends who have recently written some excellent posts on the topic. So I contacted them and asked if I could use excerpts from their posts, and both graciously agreed.

Robyn Gibson of Up With Marriage did a couple of great posts on the issue of sex.  In her first post on this topic Serving Through Sex she examines the key distinction between "have to" and "want to." As she explains, in her own life moving from "have to" to "want to" was a matter of adapting her thinking to God's plan for sexual intimacy in her marriage.

Adapting enables the flesh to grow up. Adapting is what changes the stoic ‘have to’ in our flesh of obedience into the loving ‘want to’ in our spirit. 

She adds this scripture:

And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.

Ezekiel 11:19

Her point here is that when women think of sex as simply "serving their husbands," it is more of an obligation - something only for his benefit. But that's not how God intends sex to be in the marriage relationship. She concludes her post with the example of a husband who "serves" his wife by reluctantly agreeing to dinner and a movie, but freely admits he would rather have just unplugged and read a book.

He is in the mindset of “I have to” not “I want to.” It feels deceitful and is an affront because when we read, "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25), we know God didn’t mean for Christ to love the church through conciliatory gestures.  Have to is serving. Want to is loving. I don’t want my husband to have to love me; I want him to want to love me.

So, back to the sex of it … as long as I feel that I am serving my husband through sex, it will always be a conciliatory gesture and never authentic genuine love.

Did you catch that? Let me say it again: Have to is serving. Want to is loving. 

There's another great quote from Robyn in the part 2 of Serving Through Sex.

The reason many of us have of a hard time wrapping our minds around this juxtaposition is because we try to reason in our flesh that we need to understand what God is asking of us before we do it. We wrestle with thoughts like:  “If it would just make sense then I could adapt.” Or,“If I just knew how this was going to turn out.” Or,“If I do this, how can I be sure that it will be fair?” Or at the very least, we want to be assured that our spouse won’t take advantage of us in the slightest. It seems we want some kind of guarantee before stepping out in faith. 

Stepping out in faith requires that we relinquish our need for a guarantee that everything will work out in our favor.

As Robyn explains, Jesus' submission to the will of the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane was not an act of service. It was an act of love.

Love says, my desire is to do what your will is. 

Serving through sex is a method for a wife to compartmentalize the act itself. She will be able to have sex and at the same time not be fully engaged: only as much as she has to be.

When I trust that God’s ways are excellent I will adapt to His plan for marriage. The submission of my whole self in marriage will demonstrate to God that I am all in. Nothing will be held back. I won’t be stuck in the mindset of having to serve my brother through sex. Instead, my transformed heart will want to have sex with my husband.

Guided by the Holy Spirit, Not Emotions

Chris, who writes the Forgiven Wife blog, encourages wives with the testimony of her marriage, and how God transformed her heart and her marriage after twenty years of sexual "gatekeeping."

In a recent series, Chris shares the story of Janna Allen, a wife whose marriage underwent a similar transformation, The series is titled Journey of Change and starts here.   In the third post of her story, Janna explains why she thinks this transformation will stick.

I believe it is because it is NOT based on what I am “feeling”, physically or emotionally.  It is based on conviction and love, love of my Lord and my husband.  No matter if my sexual desire dips (which it does), it’s not an option to do nothing.  Or no matter how I am feeling towards my husband at the time (which I have had hurt and anger to work through this past year), it’s not an option not to work through things and go back to a “self-protective” state where I build walls and harbor unforgiveness and /or bitterness.

I could never have done it without the conviction and power of the Holy Spirit, and I believe that it will only be through Him that this will be a forever change. Where I am concerned, all that’s dependent on me is a surrendering and obedience to Him, because by nature I am way too selfish, independent, rebellious, and prideful to keep up an act of serving and loving my husband without some supernatural help and empowerment.

As I explained in my last post, Are You A Love or a Worker, being guided by love doesn't mean you are guided by emotion. Rather, you can choose to focus on the truth, despite what your emotions might tell you. One of those truths is that, as a believer, you have the fullness of the Holy Spirit inside you - the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. That is power!

Practice allowing your spirit to rule over your soul (mind, will and emotions).

More of You

If you struggle in the area of sexual intimacy with your husband, here is a notion that might help you shift your mindset. Rather than thinking of your husband as simply wanting more sex, realize that what he really wants is more of you.

He wants the kind of intimacy with you that only a thriving sexual relationship can enable.

Let your love for God and your love for your husband, empowered by the Holy Spirit, transform your "have to" into a "want to." Who knows, maybe you might even end up at "get to."


Next time: The Number One Need of Wives

A lover will outwork a worker every time.

In this third post on the issue of needs in marriage, I want to examine the issue of unmet needs a little further.

My last post, When Needs Go Unmet, I encouraged you to embrace the notion of loving your spouse radically by focusing mostly on what you can give rather than on what you are (or are not) getting. This is the very kind of radical, unconditional love Jesus gives to us.

Let me repeat myself. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not at all easy when you feel like you are the one doing most of the giving.

There is something that can help you keep on giving selflessly and hang on until the breakthrough comes in your marriage.

It's all in how you see yourself.

Which One Are You?

Are you mostly a lover or mostly a worker?

A worker usually does what he or she does in order to get something in return. In the job world that's called a paycheck (yes, I know people work for other reasons as well - that's not the point). In the marriage world you may work to get your spouse to change or to get them to give you what you need. It might be that you are working to get love. You may even be working because you know it's the right thing to do or so that you can win the badge of being the "good spouse."

The worker is motivated by external forces.

A lover does what he or she does for love's sake. A lover is compelled to surrender, sacrifice and serve by the love that burns inside. A lover does all for the sake of intimacy, not for the sake of gain.

The lover is motivated by internal forces.

More Than Emotion

Being a lover doesn't mean you allow your emotions to dictate. Love is more than an emotion. Emotions are fickle and fleeting. You can't rely on them.

The kind of genuine love I am talking about is deep conviction that drives daily choices.

Love looks through what appears to be true and chooses to stare into the truth. What are the truths a lover can look to?

• The truth is that love, real love, is found in the face of Jesus
• The truth is that as a believer, you have that very love inside of you
• The truth is that you do not have to be ruled by your emotions, but can be ruled by the Holy Spirit
• The truth is that you can take every thought captive, and can take it to trial by the discernment of the Holy Spirit
• The truth is that the covenant you share with your spouse is a supernatural one
• The truth is that God is for your marriage and he is by nature a restorer, a redeemer and a reconciler
• The truth is that you and your spouse are one, and that makes your marriage different from every other relationship in your life

A Lover is First a Beloved

I mentioned this last time, but it bears repeating. The best way to allow your heart to be transformed into a lover is by first realizing that you are beloved.

We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:19 (NIV)

Allow your heart to be wrecked by the One who gave all to have you as his own.

Yes, eventually you still have to do the work. But if you can allow your heart and mind to be transformed from that of a worker to that of a lover, you will be able to work longer, harder and with more genuine joy than you can imagine.

And the truth is, a lover will outwork a worker every time.

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