Journey to Surrender

[Wives Only Wednesday]

When you lean into your husband's desires, rather than resist them, you can rediscover God's amazing gift of sex.
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I'm pleased to present part two of my wife's previous Wives Only Wednesday post. Today, "As you wish" moves to the bedroom.

This is also first up in my series The Gift of Sex. If you missed my post setting up the series, go back and check it out.

I'll remind you that my wife originally shared this message with a group of women in the "empty nest" stage of life, but the truths here apply to marriages at any life stage.

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In Part 1 of this post I pointed out that when you say "As you wish" to your husband you are actually saying "I love you." [Tweet This]

Last week we saw how your "As you wish" translates into respect, which a key need for most husbands. Not surprisingly, the other key need, as reported by husbands in our recent survey, is the need for a satisfying sex life.

While most women can give mental and experiential agreement to this wish for sex, more sex, variety in sex..., I'm not sure we really get it. That's why this quote from Paul Byerly, written on his X-Y Code blog, is so helpful:

For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.

When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.

I'd also like to share this important "As you wish" Scripture passage:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together gain so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NLT)

Now don’t freak out Ladies! We can give the gift of "As you wish" in the bedroom (or anyplace he may wish), but you are the one to decide how far this gift goes. I don't know about you, but for me when I feel like I have to do something, it affects my mood, and it actually makes it difficult for me to want sex. But I have discovered that if I will lean into my husband’s desires rather than fight against or avoid them, I actually have an amazing time!! I find the truth is that great sex is important for me too!

Also, for empty-nesters it's important to realize that older men who want sex are not dirty old men, they are just being men!  This chemistry inside of them is involuntary, and it was GOD who made them that way! It is not fair to shame your husband for something God-given and good.  This is God’s idea and His plan, not just for our husbands, but for us and our marriages.

(I realize that in 15-20% of marriages, it is the wife who is the higher drive spouse, so your "As you wish" may need to be expressed in other ways. See my "As you wish" list at the end of this post.)

Sex Still Matters

As men age, their drive may appear to lessen, but in reality that drive is still chemically in him.  It may take more than a thought or visual stimulation at this point, so their desire/drive may not be as obvious to you. The arousal is still there, but they may need more physical stimuli than when they were younger, and frequency may change, but remember, you are changing too!

If you are dealing with tiredness, change up the times of day that you come together. After all, you have an empty nest! Take advantage of it! Before or after dinner are great times, and it allows you to unwind for the rest of the evening. Mornings can work too!

If you are dealing with dryness and/or hot flashes or other physical issues, I encourage you to talk to your gynecologist. Research is constantly changing and there are ways to help with the symptoms you may be experiencing. KY Jelly may no longer be the lubricant of choice as it’s properties don’t address the kind of dryness that accompanies menopause or help with painful intercourse.  I prefer Poise and have friends that rave about coconut oil. Care enough to research it, and be willing to try different options.

As far as the changes in your libido go, I have found that regardless of age, having sex makes me want to have sex.  If I watch my energy level and get enough sleep, I find that I can think sex and my desire goes up with my thoughts. Remind yourself that sex is good and desirable and so are our husbands. Don't believe the misconception that says that if you are a powerful woman, you don't need sex.

Regardless of your age or previous sexual struggles, don't ever decide that sex is over.  Sex can always begin again; it is never too late.

As You Wish Ideas

So think about how you can give your husband the gift of "As you wish" for Christmas this year, whether it in the bedroom or in the other areas of your marriage. Here are a few ideas to prompt your thinking:

• Use the phrase “As you wish” at least once a day.
• Find a way to express and say to your husband, “You are my hero”
• Change your tone
• Make a celebration list of 5 things you love about your husband.  This is for you not him.  As you look at this list your heart will soften towards him.
• Add something new in your sex life, perhaps this will be having sex!!
• Try texting!  You can be as casual as “I am thinking of you”  to using a private communication app like Couple or Avocado.
• Fight your urge to nag.  Don’t do it!
• Let it go, even though you have a RIGHT to whatever it is
• Ask your husband, “What says I Love You to you?”
• Plan a surprise that is obviously as HE wishes rather than you
• Other opportunities to express “As You Wish:” What’s for dinner, which restaurant, control of the remote, which movie, how you spend your time, which route to drive, your outfit, your hair style, your perfume, how the money is spent.

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With this post, you have your first opportunity to give your spouse and your marriage The Gift of Sex.

If you tend to think of sex in terms of "If I must," work on adjusting your thinking to be more in line with "As you wish." Such a change in mindset can transform sex from a duty to a delight!

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My current poll, "Who Owns My Body," asks some questions around the verses of the Bible quoted above (1 Cor 7:3-5). If you haven't yet, it's not too late to take the survey now.

Stuck for what to give your spouse for Christmas? How about the gift of a better sex life?

Welcome to December!

I'll admit it. I love the Christmas season. Christmas decorations. Christmas music. Christmas trees. Christmas cookies. All of it. Well, I love almost all of it.

My one exception: Christmas shopping. Even with the online shopping revolution (Amazon is my best friend!), I tend to agonize over selecting just the right gifts for those I love the most.

A Gift for Your Marriage?

As you ponder what to give your spouse this Christmas, let me suggest you think of it from a slightly different angle. Why not give a gift to your spouse that will help build your marriage? That's right, give your marriage a gift this Christmas.

What can you give your marriage? I believe that one of the best gifts you can give your marriage is the gift of a better sex life. [Tweet This]

Why Sex?

The main goal of every marriage is intimacy in every form (or if it isn't it should be!). God created sex as the deepest form of intimacy, and He set it up to be something unique to the relationship between husband and wife. That's His design. That's His desire. God likes sex.

A marriage where sexual intimacy is a struggle, or worse yet, is practically non-existent, is a marriage headed for trouble. Even when sex is good, there is always room to grow in sexual intimacy. No, I'm not saying marriage is all about sex. What I am saying is what many experts say. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. [Tweet This]

Here are just a few reasons to give the gift of sex this Christmas:

• Sex is unique.  It is the one thing that distinguishes your marriage from every other relationship in your life.
• Sex is powerful. A vibrant sex life can transform your marriage.
• Sex is essential. If your sex life is hurting, you need to work on it.
• Sex is beautiful. When it is working as it should, it creates a wonderful sense of well-being.
• Sex is a window. What's happening (or not) in your bedroom often points to what is happening (or not) in your marriage.
• Sex is holy. Physical intimacy is God's gift to couples. It is a celebration of the "one flesh" covenant you share with your spouse.
• Sex is worth it. It's not always easy to embrace the vulnerability that working on your sex life requires, but it is more than worth the effort.

December: A Month of Sex

This month I'll be doing a month-long series called "The Gift of Sex."

Each post will examine a different aspect of physical intimacy. Expect that I'll be challenging some of your current thinking on the topic. Expect that I'll be giving you some unique "gift" ideas. Expect that I'll be giving you some assignments and suggestions for how to improve  your sex life.

I'm kicking things off on Wednesday with a follow up to my wife's last post. Be sure to check out "The Gift of As You Wish in the Bedroom."

As part of this series, between now and Christmas, I'll also be doing weekly Freebie Friday giveaways, the first of which I'll announce on Friday. Stay tuned!

I'll also be covering some results from my recent poll, "Who Owns My Body," where I ask some questions around the verses of the Bible that say your spouse actually owns the rights to your body (1 Cor 7:3-4). If you haven't yet, it's not too late to take the survey now.

Finally, so as not to ignore the topic of non-sexual gifts, I'll be pointing you to some great posts by other marriage bloggers with tons of gift ideas for your spouse.

You don't want to miss any of this, so if you aren't a subscriber, click here and sign up to get my posts sent right to your inbox!

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Check out all the posts in the Gift of Sex series:

1. The Gift of "As You Wish" - in the Bedroom
2. Friday Freebie: Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage
3. The Gift of Yourself
4. The Gift of Passion
5. The Gift of More
6. The Gift of More Often
7. The Gift of More Engagement
8. The Gift of More Variety
9. The Gift of Sex: When Your Spouse Won't Give It