Journey to Surrender

7 ways to be more fully engaged during lovemaking.

We are in the middle of a Gift of Sex series that started back here.  As part of the series, a few weeks back we started exploring ways to give "more" in the sexual dimension of your marriage, starting with The Gift of More Often, which explored the issue of sexual frequency.

Today we are looking at:

The Gift of More Engagement

As I said in The Gift of More Often, frequency is not the only factor in sexual satisfaction. You could be having sex often, but if you do not you feel your partner is fully present and engaged during your sexual encounters, chances are you'll be left feeling less than satisfied. This fact probably accounts for those in my survey that were having fairly regular sex but rated their sex lives as less than satisfactory.

Sex was designed by God as the ultimate and most intense expression of intimacy. If both of  you are not fully present during your sexual encounters, the intimacy you experience will be inhibited. Intimacy is about fully knowing each other, and if either of you is "absent," that's not really possible.

Eventually, dissatisfaction will cause frequency to decline, because lack of engagement sends  the message that your spouse isn't interested in you or attracted to you sexually. Ouch! Most people will respond to this by withdrawing sexually in order to avoid being hurt further. Remember, in my recent survey, 98% of husbands and 97% of wives said it was either important or very important for them to feel that that their spouse desires them sexually. Communicating your sexual attraction to your spouse really matters! (BTW, if you haven't yet, please take my sexual satisfaction survey)

That communication of desire starts with giving yourself to your partner frequently, but engaging freely and fully during your sexual encounters sends an undeniable message of "I want you." 

What does engagement look like?

What matters most is that you engage in the ways that mean the most to your partner, so the best idea is to have a conversation about it.  Ask each other, "are there ways in which I can more fully engage with you during our lovemaking?" As with any discussion about sex, it's important listen to your partner's answer without being defensive or passing judgement.

If you or your spouse have trouble finding the right words, here are some common ways in which to more fully engage with each other.

1. Be present - keep your mind focused on your spouse and on what you are feeling.
2. Be involved - actively find ways to provide pleasure to your partner.
3. Be enthusiastic - express desire with eager words and bold action
4. Be vocal - get comfortable communicating pleasure.  It not only shows engagement but also helps your spouse know how to please you more. 
5. Be focused -  keep your mind in the game and push aside those thoughts that want to distract you (this is often a challenge for the ladies due to the different way their brains are wired).
6. Be free - don't allow fear or shame to cause you to hold back. Let yourself go. 
7. Be immersed - press fully into both giving and receiving pleasure as an expression of your love for each other.

Whether you realize it or not, you bear a significant part of the responsibility for your spouse's sexual satisfaction. My survey found that 89% of  husbands and 86% of wives agree or agree strongly with this notion. Here's an unavoidable truth:

Engagement plays a significant role in sexual satisfaction, and without it you can't experience the fullness of intimacy God intends for your sexual relationship. [Tweet This Now]

Pick a Place to Start

If engagement has been an issue for you, don't be overwhelmed. Start slowly. I challenge you,  next time you make love,  pick just one avenue of engagement, either as suggested by your spouse or from the list above, and do your best to stretch yourself in that one area. Once you find a degree of comfort with that one, pick another area to focus on developing.

What dimensions of engagement do you find the most challenging? Which ones are most important to you to receive from your partner? Share your thoughts below in the comments.

Welcome to 2015! 

The turn of the new year is always a great opportunity for fresh starts. Whether your are a person who makes resolutions or not, it's a chance for all of us to reflect on the previous year and to dream a bit for the year ahead.

Blogging with Peace and Joy

I went into 2014 with some high hopes and big plans for this marriage ministry thing I do. Yet, after a year of juggling a demanding more-than-full-time job and my blogging and other marriage ministry activities, I find myself in a similar place to where I was at the turn of the previous year. I'm still wanting to do more, to reach more people, to write more, and ultimately to impact more marriages.

In many ways, many of my aspirations for 2015 are carrying over from last year. Yet, this year I'm more comfortable with the fact that there will always be more. It's taken an especially challenging blogging year to realize that I need to be okay with wishes and dreams that may sometimes have to be deferred, yet without losing hope.

I sense that Lord is calling me to be at peace and to take joy in the doing of the things that He has called me to. I need to take joy in the doing, not just in being done. He wants me to live in the moment, each moment, and to stop striving. Easier said than done!

God makes it clear in his Word that I have available to me "the peace that passes understanding" - that's a supernatural peace that has nothing to do with circumstances or how much I accomplish.

He has also made it clear that living at peace (that is, Shalom - the concept of whole being wellness) is the key to also living in joy. Not happiness. Joy. Joy that springs from an inner well, that finds pleasure in being and not just doing. Joy that places my identity in who God says I am and not in what the world says.

Joy - the ability to delight in God, in his endless love and grace toward me, and to eagerly anticipate whatever He has for my future. [Tweet This Now]

I often need to remind myself that peace and joy are both fruits of the Holy Spirit. That keeps me grounded in the reality that these are not things I get by striving in the natural. These are not things I will get from making New Year's resolutions over.

These are gifts that come from Him by the Spirit. If I want to enjoy them, I need to learn to abide in Jesus and to be continually being filled with the Spirit. He is my ultimate source of peace and joy.

Marriage with Peace and Joy

What marriage struggles have you faced in 2014? What hopes and wishes have been deferred, and what are your desires for the year ahead? Do you find yourself another year further along in your marriage journey and yet facing many of the same issues?

Whether 2014 was a breakthrough year for your marriage or it feels more like a year stuck in neutral, there is always more ahead for your marriage. In that way, not surprisingly, marriage is a lot like our walk with Christ. There is always more to discover, more to grow in, new levels of intimacy available, a deeper levels of surrender, new experiences to enjoy.

But the Lord does not want you to strive and struggle in the marriage journey. He wants to infuse it with His supernatural peace and joy. His desire is that you lean into Him and trust that He only has the best intentions for you and for your marriage.

It's fitting to recall what the angels proclaimed at Jesus' birth.

I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people...
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men.
(Luke 2: 10, 14)    [Tweet This Now]

My prayer for you, me and our marriages in 2015 is that it would be a year full of supernatural peace and joy.

Oh and one other thing. I feel that the Lord has declared to me that when I learn to walk in peace and joy, power will follow. Power to do all that he has called me to. Power to see lives and marriages transformed. Power to see the will of God on the Earth, just as it is in heaven.

Peace >> Joy >> Power!  So let it be, Lord!

PS  Don't worry, we'll be back to The Gift of Sex series next week!