Journey to Surrender

Sometimes the message we receive is not at all the message our spouse sent.

It takes a long time to overcome our default reactions. I have one I'm still trying to get right more than I get wrong.

On a recent Saturday morning I woke up in a bit of a funk. I had a lot on my mind and was feeling stressed about all that needed to happen that day. Jenni picked up on my mood and asked me if something was wrong. I said, half truthfully, that I was okay and just had a lot on my mind. As the morning progressed she asked several more times what was wrong.

Assurance or Accusation

It seems silly now, but at the time, rather than hearing her genuine concern for my wellbeing, I heard, "You are not being how I want you to be." I got mad at her for what I perceived as accusation and disapproval. Understandably, she reacted to my anger with hurt feelings. I did what I often do when I feel criticized, and withdrew.

It took me several hours to realize what was happening. I had slipped back into an old pattern. For years, I have often received Jenni's need for reassurance as accusation against me. When she would say "Are you sure...?" I would hear, "I don't think you know what you are doing." When she would say, "Why are we....?" I would hear, "I dont' trust you."

Jenni also had some false filtering of her own going on that Saturday morning. She saw my withdrawal and quietness and became concerned that things were bad between us or that she had done something wrong. That's part of what drove her to keep asking if everything was okay.

Hearing a Message Not Sent

It took us years to figure out this pattern of me receiving a totally different message than the one Jenni intended to send. Whereas she would simply be seeking reassurance about a matter, I would take her questioning as her doubting my judgement. I often felt disrespected or not trusted.

We tend to develop false filters in the areas where we have strong needs or a significant amount of insecurity.

Respect and trust rank pretty high on my needs list in my marriage. And I've come to realize that these needs can cause me to be overly sensitive and see a lack of respect and mistrust when they aren't there. It's a false filter.

Finding Your False Filters

Think through your own areas of sensitivity. What are your most important needs? What are the areas where you feel some level of insecurity? Do you sometimes hear messages from your spouse in these areas that they aren't sending?

• A wife who has a a poor self image about her appearance might assume her husband's compliments are insincere.
• A husband who fears he isn't providing sufficiently for the family might hear his wife's concern about the tightness of the budget as an accusation that he is not a good provider.
• A wife who has a high need to feel cared for might hear unloving words from her husband that aren't intended that way at all.
• A husband who is the higher-drive spouse might hear sexual refusal when his wife makes an offhand comment that she is feeling tired.

If you are like me, just being aware of our false filters won't necessarily always prevent you from receiving a message your spouse didn't send, but it can help you be aware when it starts to happen, and rethink what you are hearing.

Keep in mind, too, where your spouse's false filter habits are. Knowing this can prompt you to double-check when you sense that something you said might have been received incorrectly. For example, when Jenni senses an undue reaction in me, she will sometimes stop and ask, "Did that make you feel disrespected, because I didn't mean it that way at all." This simple step has saved us from a lot of misunderstandings.

Do you experience false filters in some areas? How do you combat your tendency to hear wrongly? Leave a comment.


Image credit: A quote by Inigo Montoya (Mandy Potamkin) from the movie The Princess Bride

The strongest marriages are those that are lived in community.

My lovely wife and I are leading another marriage small group at our church. We purposefully targeted this particular session to be for those who are in or approaching their "empty nest" years, and we have a great group of couples who will be looking at the question, "What's next for our marriage in the season ahead?"

This is the fifth time we have led this same 12-week marriage curriculum, but each time has been totally unique because of there have been different marriages involved in each group. Each couple brought their unique history, perspective, insights and yes, problems, to our group. In addition to our current group of seasoned marriages, we've had a group of mostly newly-marrieds and several groups that spanned multiple life stages.

We've had a great deal of fun digging into what God has to say about marriage in His Word and applying it practically.

Marriage is Best Done in Community

In many ways, marriage is a very private affair. No one else can or needs to know the depths of any couple's relationship. Much of your relationship will remain just between the two of you.

Yet, I do believe that marriages benefit greatly when couples choose to place themselves in community. And I'm not talking about men's groups and women's groups, which have their place. I'm talking about making a habit of engaging with other married couples as a couple.

The sad truth is that many, if not most, churches don't have an official marriage ministry. But even if that is true in your church, there is nothing to stop you from getting together with other couples whose marriages you admire.

Finding Other Couples

Good, strong marriages are usually not that hard to spot. I'd suggest you start in your church. Look around for couples who show honor to one another, who support one another. Watch for those couples who speak to each other with admiration and respect. Watch how they look at each other.

Trust me, you'll be able to discern pretty quickly which marriages are filled with intimacy and passion and which ones are not.

Should you pick couples who are a little older and more experienced? Or should you get with others who are in a similar life stage to your own? There are good reasons to do both. It depends on what you hope to gain from the relationship. If you are wanting more of a mentoring relationship, look for a seasoned marriage. If you are wanting to develop mutual long term friendships, look for couples near your own age.

Anything you do to build your marriage is a great step forward.

Get Real

Regardless of whether you join a regular marriage group or just get together with another couple or two once in a while, you'll gain the most benefit by being honest about your marriage, the good and the not so good. This kind of vulnerability requires that you develop a certain level of trust.

I would suggest that you, your spouse and your new couple friends agree to a few ground rules in discussing your marriage:

• Agree with your spouse ahead of time about what is okay to discuss with others.
• Have a firm understanding of confidentiality. What is shared among you stays among you.
• Invite the other couple(s) to speak into your marriage. They will be for forthright if they are given formal permission to do so.
• Acknowledge that it is okay if you are not in agreement about everything, but agree to disagree respectfully and with honor.

Regardless of how you choose to go about it, be purposeful in seeking out a strong, marriage-positive community in which to live out your marriage. You'll be glad you did.


Now it's your turn. Do you have any advice to share with couples looking to grow their marriage in community? What have you and your spouse experienced along this line? Does your church have a marriage ministry? Have you participated? What benefits have you seen in your marriage from rubbing shoulders with other married couples? Leave a comment.