Journey to Surrender

If you want more intimacy in your marriage, you better find out what it is.

Thank you to everyone who took my "What is Intimacy?" poll in the past few weeks. I've digested the answers to date and would like to share them with you, because they point to some suggestions for those seeking to deepen the intimacy in their marriage.

In case you missed the last few posts on intimacy, let me catch you up.

In Part 1 of this little series on intimacy in marriage "What is Intimacy?"  I suggested that intimacy is what matters most in marriage. In fact, I believe that intimacy is the primary purpose and goal of every marriage.

In Part 2, I described the Path of Intimacy and the Path of Separation, and the fact that you are on one path or the other. In that post, I also told you that the average survey respondent, regardless of how long they've been married, reported only being "somewhat satisfied" with the level of intimacy they have with their spouse.

Let's dig a little deeper into this intimacy question.

The Male/Female Intimacy Gap

There is a definite satisfaction gap between the husbands and the wives who took my survey.
The percentage of those reporting dissatisfaction (mostly or completely) were similar, at 16% for men and 15% for women. However, there were a lot fewer wives (43%) compared to husbands (61%) who were mostly or completely satisfied with their current level of intimacy. This difference translated to a similar, but opposite difference in those only somewhat satisfied or somewhat dissatisfied, labeled as the "middle group" in the chart above.

So what might explain this male/female difference? Lets look at how men and women answered the question, "What is Intimacy?" Of those in the satisfied and middle group, both men and women used words like "closeness," "oneness" and "connected" to describe intimacy (54% of husbands and 44% of wives).

However, in the same two groups, wives overwhelming referred more often to things like transparency, vulnerability, trust and safety when describing intimacy (53% of wives compared to only 8% of husbands). A stunning difference!

Bottom line: a wife will be less satisfied with marital intimacy unless it includes genuinely knowing each other at a deep level. It is no surprise, I suppose, that men, who are often less inclined to divulge and discuss their feelings, place a lower value on such aspects of  intimacy. But they do so at the cost of their wives the satisfaction of true intimacy on their terms.

What is True Intimacy?

The main question of the survey was an open-ended, free-form question, but I made an attempt to classify the answers into groups, as indicated in the chart below. There was a surprising amount of commonality.
Physical intimacy was included in more responses than any other (46%), followed by emotional (39%) then spiritual (32%). I separately noted those who included all 3 as well (28%).  Tied for most common answer, at 46%, was some variation of oneness. Similar words put into this group of answers were, "closeness" and "connection."

Some form of vulnerability was mentioned by 42% of respondents. Similar words included here are being "transparent," "honesty" and "openness." These responses often included the notion of not being judged and being accepted and loved, regardless of what is revealed.

Coming in at under 10% each were spending time together, being aware and tuned-in to each other, and meeting each others' needs.

Does all this tell us what true intimacy is? Not really.

Sure, I believe that true intimacy is the enjoyment of being fully known and completely loved. I believe that intimacy needs to take place in the whole of your being (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.)

Yet, my definition isn't what matters. What matters is what you and your spouse think intimacy is. 

Discovering Deeper Intimacy

Whether you agree with me about the importance of intimacy to your marriage, chances are better than not that you aren't experiences all the intimacy you want with your spouse.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

If you are after more intimacy, then you need to be pretty sure you know what it is. And as I said, you need to know what it is to you, and more importantly, to your spouse. So ask him or her.  Ask, "What is intimacy to you?" Listen. Really listen. Chances are there will be some ways in which your idea of intimacy differs from your spouse. That's okay. It's important to understand where you differ.

But most important and most helpful of all is to ask a follow up question: "What can I do to help us experience a deeper level of the kind of intimacy you desire?" Then be intentional about doing those things on a regular basis.

If you want more intimacy in your marriage, you are going to have to do some things differently than you've been doing them.

---

Next time we'll take a look at the differences between satisfied and dissatisfied couples when it comes to how they describe intimacy. Theses differences offer some good insight as to where we might look for deepening intimacy.

In the mean time, I've got a great new intimacy-building resource available called "Intimate Connections for Couples." Get the workbook now on my Amazon storefront and start using the conversation starting questions to move your marriage down the Path of Intimacy.

Sustaining intimacy in marriage is all about the daily choices we make.

Today's Friday Favorite post is an all-time top ten post that examines the truth that the intimacy in your marriage is either growing or declining - and you get to choose which.

Next week I'll be sharing some more from the "What is Intimacy?" poll responses I received last week, but for now I'll just share this chart.
What it tells me is that regardless of how long they've been married, on average couples are less than fully satisfied with the level of intimacy in their marriage - only "somewhat satisfied." There was surprisingly little variation over the years of marriage. (Exception: the one person who took the poll who was in their first year of marriage was "completely satisfied").

There is lots of room for improvement in the area of intimacy!!

Building and maintaining intimacy requires consistent attentiveness to your marriage. There is a natural drift onto The Path of Separation that happens when we take our eyes off the goal of having a deeper connection.

Check out this Friday Favorite post and the links to the whole intimacy series. Then determine to take some concrete action to put and keep your marriage on The Path of Intimacy.

By the way, if you haven't taken  my "What is Intimacy" poll you can still add your answers to the results. Take it here.


From the original post: Choosing the Path of Intimacy

---

Intimacy is a funny thing. Not ha-ha funny. But strange funny.

Ask a dozen people what it is, and you’ll get 13 different answers. Men and women tend to define intimacy differently, and I think there are also some generational differences in how people look at it. It’s elusive and hard to pin down. If you ask a married couple if they are feeling intimate with their spouse at any given time, they will probably tell you how they feel (yes/no/somewhat), but they may not be able to say exactly why.

As elusive as it seems, most everyone seems to understand its importance to marriage.  As my new reader survey results continue to show, intimacy is one of the most sought after topics on my blog. So even though I've touched on it periodically, I decided it's time to really give the topic the attention it is due.

Intimacy is a Living Thing

It is important to understand that intimacy is organic; it’s a living thing. As such it is either growing or dying. Very few living things can stay dormant for very long and still survive.

Regardless of how you define intimacy, you are either growing toward each other or growing away from each other as a couple. I look at this dynamic as a couple either being either on the Path of Intimacy or on the Path of Separation. And make no mistake; you are on one or the other.

The Path of Separation

When left to inertia and natural human tendencies, intimacy will tend to decline. It just doesn’t happen on its own. It takes a conscious effort to get on and stay on the Path of Intimacy, whereas the Path of Separation is easy to enter and even easier to stay on.

This is why so many couples seem to wake up one day suddenly asking themselves questions like: “where has the passion gone?” or “why does he always treat me like that?” or “why doesn’t she trust me?” or “why does he leave everything to me?” or “does she always have to be such a nag?” or “isn’t she attracted to me any more?”

The Path of Separation that leads to these questions can be a subtle one. You may be on it for months or even years before you realize that you are in a marriage that lacks the kind of intimacy and passion you once had; the kind of intimacy and passion you desire. Often by that time old habits and patterns of thinking are deeply ingrained, making it difficult to reverse course and get back on the Path of Intimacy.

But it is possible. Very possible.

The Path of Intimacy

Wouldn’t you rather wake up one day saying things like: “Wow, I didn’t know it could be that good after all these years,” or “I can’t believe we are still so in love,” or “this just keeps getting better and better,” or “I’m so thankful I married my best friend,” or “You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

I plan to spend some time on the important topic of how to choose the Path of Intimacy. I want to look at how the choices we make either put us on the right or wrong path when it comes to intimacy. I want to examine things that destroy intimacy and things that build it up.

If you desire a more deeply intimate marriage, stick around for this series and join in on the discussion.


Index to the rest of the Intimacy Series:

1. Intimacy - It's Not What You Think!
2. Intimacy - Choose Trust
3. Intimacy - Choose to Lose the Shame
4. Intimacy - As Much as You Want
5. Intimacy - The Most Important Ingredient