Journey to Surrender

The best sex happens when you both start looking at sex as a wonderful privilege.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.  The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

1 Cor 7:3-4 NLT

Have you ever heard anyone preach a sermon on this scripture? I would guess not.

Giving authority over your body to your spouse? Taking personal responsibility to see that your spouse's sexual needs are met? That's some pretty scary stuff Paul is laying out here.

Check out The Message version. I feel like it gets at the heart of what Paul is trying to say:

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Survey Says...

I did a survey a while back to find out what people thought about these verses. To my surprise, 93% of people said they agree or agree strongly that these verses still apply to marriages today. In the same survey, 88% agreed or agreed strongly that they were the one responsible for their spouse's sexual satisfaction, with very little difference between men and women respondents.

So why are so many marriage suffering from a lack of sexual fulfillment? Only half of the people who took my survey were satisfied with their sex lives. (Side note: people who take sex surveys are generally more sex positive than the population in general, so I suspect the real dissatisfaction numbers are significantly higher).

I think a lot of the dissatisfaction has to do with how we view our sexual relationship.

Most couples are not evenly matched when it comes to sex drive. My own poll found that less than 10% of couples see themselves as having equal drive. Depending on whether you are the higher drive or lower drive spouse you might be tempted toward one of two views of sex: right or duty.

Sex as a Right

A higher drive spouse might read 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 and say they have the right to obtain sexual fulfillment with his or her spouse. This right extends so far as to include husband and wife each having authority over the other's body. So does a high drive spouse have the right to demand sex?

Well, that may be technically true, but demanding sex because you have a right to it is not very likely to lead to sexual fulfillment. It certainly is not going to produce genuine sexual intimacy in your marriage. It is not an expression of love and will not lead to lovemaking.

Sex as a Duty

If you are a wife or husband with a lower sex drive than your spouse, and you have read the Scripture above, you might be tempted to look at sex as a duty. In fact, the NIV translation of this passage uses that exact phrasing. "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." So is sex a duty?

Well, again, that may be semantically true. But viewing sex with your spouse simply as a duty is not going to provide much sexual satisfaction for your spouse - or for you. Duty sex is pretty easy to detect. In fact, many would rather forgo sex if their spouse is only going to give it to them out of obligation.

Sex as  a Privilege

So if we should not view sex either as a right or as a duty, how should we look at it?

Let me suggest instead that you think of sex a privilege.

A privilege is "a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people... something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure."

For the spouse on the lower drive side of things, start to move from thinking "I have to" toward thinking "I get to." Take delight in the unique privilege you have to provide sexual pleasure to your spouse.

For the higher drive spouse, rather than focusing on the the sex your aren't having, start focusing on and finding enjoyment in the sex you are having. Rather than concentrating what your spouse is not doing for you sexually, consider ways to provide for his or her non-sexual needs; not in order to manipulate them into giving you more sex, but out of a heart of love and serving.

Think of sex as a celebration of your love and an area for finding creative ways to express your delight in one another. If you are all he/she gets, don't you want to be all he/she ever wants? It's your love life; make it a great one.

The best sex happens when you both start seeing sex as the wonderful privilege it is, designed by God to foster the deepest intimacy in your relationship. Sex is the only kind of intimacy that you can enjoy with your spouse alone.

How might you approach sex with your spouse differently this week in light of the beautiful privilege that it is designed to be?

When life's challenges press in on your spouse, you can be the haven they need. 

I would rather spend time with my darling wife, Jenni, than anyone else on the planet. When life gets crazy, difficult, stressful or frustrating, she is a haven for me.

What does it mean to be a haven for your spouse? Dictionary.com describes a haven as a place of shelter, safety, refuge, or asylum. A haven is also a safe harbor for a ship in distress.

Wouldn't you like to be a haven for your spouse when life gets challenging for him or her? You can be.

Here the ways in which my wife has been a haven for me recently through a stressful and difficult season.

Refuse to Withdraw

A natural response to a spouse whose stress comes out as what my wife calls "prickly" would be to withdraw. But Jenni has learned over the years that I actually need her during these times, despite my sometimes gruff disposition. She's gotten pretty good at hanging in there and maintaining connection, even when it isn't necessarily easy.

Show Affection

Although I may not act like it, I actually want affection from Jenni, even when I'm in a bad mood. Admittedly that can be difficult for her, because my prickliness is not at all attractive. Plus, I may not respond immediately to her attempts to show affection through kindness, concern, empathy and even physical affection. But when she shows me love and grace, it has a big impact on my mental and emotional state.

Speak Truth

Jenni will often remind me of who I am, what my strengths are and what God's calling on my life is. She helps me defeat the lies of the enemy by reminding me of the greater truth, despite what may be true in my current circumstances. She also is good at reminding me who God is, even when i can't necessarily see it for myself. She is great at calling me to "higher ground" when I might otherwise stay in the pit.

In addition to the things above, which I also try to do for her, I asked Jenni to describe other ways in which I provide a haven for her when she is having a hard time. These are the things she came up with.

Watchfulness

Jenni described my efforts to guard and protect her from over-extending herself as "extreme watchfulness." Because she is naturally a tremendously giving person, she can have a tendency to pour herself out to the point of exhaustion. I try to make sure she doesn't get to that point by proactively helping her leave some margin in her life. And when she gets overwhelmed, I willingly step in to help her out in practical ways.

Soul Care

In addition to helping her not over-extend herself, I also make an effort to see that she prioritizes the things in her life that feed her soul. The most recent example is that I suggested she skip a church meeting that would have meant a late night when she has to get up before 5 am. It would also have meant driving in the dark, which she doesn't enjoy. But I encouraged her to go see Amahl and the Night Visitors, an operetta that delights her every Christmas. (Google it and find one in your area this year!)

Make a Refuge

Jenni reminded me of time I created a sitting room for her in our bedroom so that she would have a place of her own to rest and recharge. This was back in the day when my mother, who was suffering with Alzheimer's, was living with us, and when Jenni felt she had lost ownership of much of our home. She wrote a post about that called A Haven in Our Home. It doesn't need to be an entire room, but think about how you might provide a comfortable space that would be a place of refuge for your spouse.


What can/do you do to be a haven for your spouse? Share your ideas in a comment.