Journey to Surrender

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Foundations, Framework and Fixtures

8:46 PM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

What do you notice first when you come into someone’s home?

Chances are you’ll mostly notice the décor: furnishings, color schemes, curtains, pictures, etc. But what makes that home endure through the years has much more to do with the foundation underneath the home and the framework behind the walls. In the end, the stuff we don’t see and tend not to pay attention to is much more important than the things we notice most.

It’s the same for your marriage.

Foundations

Without a doubt, the foundation of your marriage is what will make it last. And that foundation needs to be Jesus. To quote an old hymn, “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

So, what’s the foundation of your marriage?

It’s really easy to build your marriage on other stuff. It could be your kids, your financial success and material possessions, or even your religious activities. But kids grow up and move out, financial success ebbs and flows, material possessions ultimately ring hollow, and religious activities keep you busy but don’t equate to a genuine relationship with God.

A lasting marriage should be built on the foundation of a husband’s and a wife’s intimate and passionate relationship with Jesus – and nothing else. God, the very inventor of marriage itself, is the key to a strong and enduring marriage. There is no substitute!

Your relationship with, knowledge of and intimacy with God must be your foundation.

Framework

Once a firm foundation is established, the framework of your marriage is next in importance. Just like the walls of a house determine its strength, so does the framework of your marriage.

The framework of your marriage is composed of the things you believe and how you think about your marriage and your spouse. It’s the lens through which you see.

My personal lens is that God created marriage to be a reflection of the love relationship between Jesus, our Bridegroom, and us, the church, His bride. This is what I call the Bridal Paradigm , it’s this framework helps me see that my marriage should be full of things like unselfish love, unconditional giving, faithfulness, passion, trust and freedom This is what Paul call “the great mystery” of marriage in Ephesians 5:32.

Here’s a truth: it’s almost impossible to have a Bridal Paradigm framework without a foundation built on intimacy with the Bridegroom. Did you ever notice how cracks in the wall usually point to problems with the foundation?

We substitute any number of belief systems for God’s intended design for marriage. Some believe that marriage is about their personal happiness and fulfillment. Some see marriage simply as a social construct instead of a covenant relationship. Still others acknowledge marriage is the important backbone of our civil society, but fall short of seeing it as the Divine creation that it is.

Closely coupled to your belief system is the way you think about your marriage. How you think about your marriage and spouse can either add to the strength of the framework or take away from it. Check out my post “What Do You Think” for more thought on the importance of right thinking and some practical tips.

Fixtures

At last we are down to the things that people spend most of their time and attention on: the fixtures.

The fixtures in your marriage are many: friends, family, children, finances, your home, careers, vacations, religious activities, possessions and more. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying these things are bad or unimportant. It’s just that giving most of our attention to them will do little to build a strong, stable and lasting marriage.

The fixtures and furnishings in your marriage are what help to make it comfortable, enjoyable and inviting for you and for others. Do your best to make it so! Absolutely!

Fixtures are fine, but realize that when it comes to making your marriage strong and lasting, the foundation and framework should get the bulk of your attention and effort!

3 comments

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Own Your Own Happiness

11:26 PM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

I’ve pondered before whether or not happiness is really the right goal for marriage.

Lately I’ve been rethinking the whole question of happiness. I’d like to share my thoughts and get yours.

The following three statements, which may seem at first blush to conflict with each other, are the three happiness axioms I’ve landed on:

The primary purpose of your marriage isn’t to make you happy
You need to take responsibility for your own happiness
Love and serve your spouse as if their happiness depended on you

Happiness Defined

What does it mean to be happy? Truthfully, for some reason I’ve never much liked that word; it has always seemed a bit shallow to me. I’ve typically thought of happiness as being controlled by external circumstances and therefore fickle and fleeting. I know, I’m weird like that.

But the dictionary says that to be happy is to be “delighted, pleased, or glad” over something or someone. Happiness is “characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy” in response to the things going on around you. These actually all sound like pretty good things.

Goal vs. By-product

So after some consideration, I’ve resolved in my mind that happiness isn’t a bad thing at all, but I still don’t believe that we should look at marriage as primarily about our personal degree of happiness.

To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.

I Am Responsible For Me

I’ve often heard folks blame their spouse for their unhappiness. I’ve heard it used as a reason for divorce. I’ve heard it used to defend some pretty cruel behavior. “I deserve to be happy” is the common mantra.

That doesn’t cut it with me.

I have learned over time that I can’t hold my wife accountable for my happiness. I have to place the burden of my happiness squarely on my own shoulders and own up to the fact that if I’m unhappy, I’m the one that has to do something about it. It’s my choice. My happiness is my responsibility.

I Act Responsible for You

By extension, then, my wife is also responsible for her own happiness.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I should act that way. Instead I should purposefully try to make her happy, as best as I know how. I should love her, serve her, lead her and cherish her in ways I know delight her.

Her happiness should be important to me, because we are one, and I get to share in any happiness I bring to her life. How cool is that? Why wouldn’t I want to make her happy?

Our Ultimate Source of Happiness

Both my wife and I know that ultimately God is our only reliable source of happiness.

We find in Jesus all the things that make marriages truly happy and enduring: selflessness, surrender, strength, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness. All these he makes available to us and to our marriages.

So next time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse or with your marriage, realize that you have the power to choose happiness, regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do. Realize that love, joy and peace can all be yours by the Holy Spirit. Then turn things around and choose to do something purposefully just to make your spouse happy. I think you’ll be amazed at the good fruit it produces.

Happiness in Reverse

I shared this TEDtalk with our small group a few weeks ago (thanks to The Generous Husband). It’s a compelling and humorous case for the fact that we often look to outcomes in order to gain happiness. We say things like “If I work at it then my marriage will get better. And when my marriage gets better, then I’ll be happy.” But that is actually backwards.

Direct TEDTalk Link

Shawn Achor makes the case that by choosing to be happy now, we actually stand a better change of having a better marriage. Fascinating concept. I like it.

What’s do you think of my three axioms of happiness in marriage?