Journey to Surrender

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Shame Solutions

9:10 PM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

I explained in my last post how shame damages the intimacy in your marriage. It can hurt your sex life, inhibit your ability to receive love, reduce the emotional connection between you and your spouse and more.

Shame causes you to hide yourself, to cover over what you feel are your deficiencies, or to pretend you are something you are not. Shame produces a deep sense of unworthiness. And because true intimacy requires you be vulnerable and expose your genuine self, it cannot exist when you are living in shame.

Shame Solution #1 – The Love of Jesus

Dealing with the shame in your life starts with recognition that you have come to believe a lie about your identity. The voices of accusation scream at you that you can’t let people see who you are, because if they do, they surely will not love you.

I believe strongly that the number one way to overcome the shame that is blocking intimacy in your marriage is a revelation of the love of God for you. What I’m talking about goes way beyond a vague “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so” kind of understanding.

I’m talking about a personal and powerful revelation of just how deeply and passionately Jesus loves you. When you genuinely encounter the love and grace of Jesus, shame melts away.

The apostle Paul, in Ephesians 3, explains that our journey into discovering “the length, height, width and depth” of the love of Christ is the key to a life of fullness. I agree! Spend your life getting to know this unknowable love. Never stop pursuing it. Get to know His voice and hear how he feels about you, just as you are. It will completely rock your world.

Shame Solution #2 – The Love of Your Spouse

If shame and intimacy cannot coexist, then it makes sense that intimacy makes a terrific antidote for shame.

And since intimacy is “being fully known and yet completely loved,” then it starts with getting real with your spouse, especially in the areas where shame exists. Getting back to being “naked without shame,” like it was in the beginning, starts with getting naked. By that I mean being willing to be vulnerable and transparent with your spouse about your perceived weaknesses and failings.

Yeah, that kind of transparency is scary business, but it’s completely necessary if you want intimacy. Fake intimacy is an oxymoron – it doesn’t exist.

Sure, I hear your fears, “What if I show my real self and my spouse doesn’t respond with grace and love?” First of all, assuming your spouse loves you and has your best interest at heart, chances are good that they will respond by helping you see that your shame is unfounded. They probably see you more clearly than you see yourself. That’s part of being one-flesh.

Embracing and accepting the love of your spouse can go along way toward dispelling shame. But you have to be willing to let them love you and hear what they have to say.

When your husband tells you that you are beautiful, don’t deflect his compliment with a list of the physical flaws you see in yourself. Instead thank him, believe him and kiss him.
When your wife thanks you for working so hard to take care of the family, even in the face of the shame you feel over the extra hours you’ve had to work, accept her gracious and understanding attitude.
When your spouse tells you how much they enjoy and need a sexual connection with you, believe them and let down your sexual guard. Push past your shame and fear and realize that sex is the glue that holds your marriage together.
When you really screw up and confess your mess to your spouse, receive their forgiveness fully and permanently. Don’t let residual shame allow you to stay stuck in the past and continue to block intimacy in your marriage.

And what if your spouse doesn’t give you the love and grace that is needed to get you past your shame? I point you back to solution #1. Regardless of what your spouse says, your identity has to come first and foremost from who God says you are.

Do you have a shame solution beyond the two I’ve shared here? Have you overcome shame in your marriage using one of these two solutions? It’s OK with me if you want to get naked here in the comments. This is a shame-free zone!

Labels: Being One Flesh, Communication, Difficulties, Grace, Intimacy, Shame, Transparency | 7 comments

Saturday, September 8, 2012

What A Shame!

6:51 PM | Posted by Scott | Edit Post

What do you think of when you hear the word shame? Embarrassment? A guilt-ridden conscience? Disgrace? Modesty? Humility? Self-restraint?

The Online Etymology Dictionary tells us that the early root of the word shame as meaning “to cover.”

Indeed, the idea of shame is as old as creation – or almost. If you flip to the front of your Bible, you'll find God's ideal state for marriage:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Genesis 2:24-25

Now, just an apple later Adam and Eve come to this:

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Genesis 3:7

Shame crashes into our human existence for the first time and they immediately cover up. Yeah, I’d say shame and covering are pretty closely linked, and not just etymologically.

The thing with shame is that it cannot coexist with intimacy. It’s just not possible. That’s because shame causes you to cover up. It causes you to try to run away from who you think you are or who you think you are not. Shame’s accusations say you are defined by your failings, your weaknesses and your inadequacies.

I say that intimacy is “being fully known and yet completely loved.” Intimacy is being naked without shame. That’s how it was always meant to be – with God – and in your marriage. That's why shame destroys and blocks intimacy.

Shame’s ugly tentacles can reach into every corner of your marriage:

Shame over aspects of your physical appearance will cause you to reject your lover’s fawning compliments, to hide your body from him or her, to lower your self-confidence and to steel the freedom we should have to fully enjoy each other’s bodies.
Sexual shame can come from a wrong mindset about sex (“sex is bad or evil”) or from past sin or abuse. Shame over sex will hinder the physical intimacy in your marriage and make it a wedge between you and your spouse instead of the deep expression of being one flesh that it is meant to be. (Incidentally, I get a huge number of search engine hits from people searching sexual shame.)
Shame over financial or career or other mistakes will greatly damage the emotional intimacy in your marriage. It can drive you to withdraw emotionally and even lead to depression. The generalized sense of worthlessness that your mistakes can bring about blocks out the love your spouse is offering you.
Shame over aspects of your personality or intelligence is often brought about by past hurtful words or actions from friends, family or others close to you. “I am stupid.” “I am loud.” “I am a wallflower.” They all ultimately say the same thing. “I am unlovable.” "I am not good enough."

Do you see why I HATE shame? It’s a marriage killer like few other things are!

What do you do if you find yourself stuck in shame of one kind or another?

Well, think about it, and leave a comment with your suggestions. Then come back for my next post where I’ll try to answer that very question myself.

In the meantime, check out this video. It is a follow up to Dr Brown’s famous TED Talk that I’ve shared here before on vulnerability. Check that one out too if you haven’t seen it. (Thanks to Gina Parris for making me aware of this newer one.)