Journey to Surrender

Take time to consider what season your marriage is in.

A week ago my wife and I dropped off our youngest daughter to begin her college career. That's right, we are officially empty nesters.

The significance of this new season still has not sunk in fully, but it's a big milestone. I realized a few months ago, the more my wife and I talked about it, that this change would have an especially hard emotional impact on my wife, Jenni.

I knew it would be really important for us to spend some time processing and praying into the coming season, so I found a deal on a rustic cabin a few hours from our home and booked it for the weekend immediately after taking our daughter. I wanted us to get away from our normal routine in a beautiful surrounding.  The photos in this post give you a glimpse of some of that beauty we got to enjoy.

Discerning the Seasons

All marriages face different seasons. Some new seasons are triggered by significant life events, like a child being born or leaving home, a move to a new city, or caring for an aging parent. Other seasonal changes might be more subtle, like increased work stress, minor illness, changing churches or jobs.

Whatever the cause, it is important to discern the seasons.

Start by keeping an eye on changing circumstances. Realize that changes can often impact one spouse more than another. My wife's reaction to empty nest, for example, is quite different than my own.

Even small changes might trigger a need to examine where you are and where you are going. Keep your eyes open.  Be watchful over your spouse and your marriage. Maintain intimacy and watch for signs:

• Do you or your spouse withdraw emotionally for long periods?
• Has the frequency of your sexual interactions dropped off?
• Are there seemingly unprompted emotional episodes (crying, anger, fear or anxiety)?
• Have sleep patterns changed (excessive or inability to sleep)?

Even if there haven't been any changes in a while, it is a good idea to periodically spend time together prayerfully examining your life and marriage and asking important questions.

Responding to the Season

It is critical to be proactive in communicating about, responding to and adapting to each new season.

During our weekend getaway, there were a number of things we considered as part of your reflections. Here are just s few suggestions:

• Ask your spouse, "What do you need from me in the coming season?"
• Identify how needs and priorities may have changed from the past. Don't assume.
• Get specific. Ask, "What would that look like to you?"
• Consider how you can stay connected and maintain emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy.
• Talk about lifestyle changes that might need to accompany the new season. For example, my wife and I have decided that getting healthier through diet and fitness is something we want to focus on.

Importantly, spend time praying and especially listening to discern God's heart for you, your spouse and your marriage. He is eager to guide you lovingly into your future.

Attention Husbands!

I am going to say something now that will likely ruffle a few feathers. I believe it is the husband's responsibility to lead this effort. I believe it is part of the leadership mantle God places on husbands.

Every husband should be continually watching over his wife and marriage (and children) to discern and respond to seasonal changes. He isn't to control or dictate the response but to lead the conversation.

Yes, I know that conversation isn't a strong suit for a lot of husbands. Do it anyway. You won't get better at it until you put forth effort in that direction. If you aren't sure where to start, use the questions above as a starting point.

I'm not saying that wives shouldn't also be watchful and aware of seasons. I think most women are naturally more attuned to such things anyway. What I am saying is that a husband who steps forward in this effort will make his wife feel loved and taken care of in a significant way.

What new seasons has your marriage faced lately? What have you and your spouse done to keep your marriage strong in response? I'm sure some of you have some insights for the rest of us. 

Is it time you started doing a little more with your lips?

In my last post I encouraged you to up your smooching game.

If you don't think kissing is that important, I suggest you reconsider. Try upping your game and see if maybe it just needs a boost. If you have intimacy issues with your spouse, work on those for sure, but maybe a little more kissing might help. If he or she eats too much garlic, try some breath mints.

Whatever the reason, if you've fallen into low-kiss a rut, stop settling and try a few of the ideas below.

You see, I believe God is a big fan of kissing.  Doubt me? Go read Song of Solomon! God is all about intimacy in all forms - including the kind that happens when two people press their lips together.

I actually think he designed us to really enjoy this wonderful form of intimacy between a man and a woman. It's just like Him to do that sort of thing for us.

Try Something New

Are you lacking confidence in your kissing game? Do you need a little inspiration or some fresh ideas. Check the list below, with kisses ranging from silly to sexy:

Kiss across a crowded room - Some enchanted evening, catch your spouse's eye across a room full of people. Smile, pucker your lips make a kissing gesture toward him or her.  It tells your partner that you are thinking of them and loving them despite the crush of humanity between you.

Nibble Kiss - Add a little variety by nibbling or gently biting your spouse's lower lip after a more tender kiss.

French Kiss - A famously promoted but seldom mastered kiss where your tongues dance together. The trick here is to go slowly and not simply thrust your tongue wildly (that's fine for later, after things heat up). Tease his or her lips with the tip of your tongue. Probe gently and wait for a response before taking things up a notch. 

Possessive Kiss - Catch your lover off guard by transforming a simple short kiss into a hot, deeply sensual kiss. Wrap your arms around him or her, hold them tightly and kiss like you mean it! This sends the message "you are mine!"

Earlobe Kiss - Not  everyone likes their ears messed with, but those who do would love to have their earlobes nibbled gently. Whisper a sweet nothing while your are there. Careful though, loud smacking kisses near the ear can really hurt!

Cold Kiss - Use and ice cube or mint to cool your mouth before you kiss. It provides an interesting sensation. If your partner is game it can be very sunsual to pass it between you with your tongue while you kiss.

Nuzzling Kiss - When things are heating up, leave a trail of gentle kisses down one side of your partner's neck and back up the other side. You'll be sure to send tingles through his or her body.

Show and Tell Kiss - Ask your partner to describe his or her favorite kiss, and then try to deliver it.

Upside-Down Kiss - Catch your partner laying down and approach him or her with your head opposite theirs for an interesting kissing sensation.

Almost Kiss - Bring your lips close together and see how long you can go without actually touching.

Take a Kissing Challenge

Kissing Challenge #1 - Makeout Session

See if you can spend ten minutes in a good old fashioned make-out session. Can you make it the full ten minutes with only kissing, nothing more? What you do after the ten minutes is up is totally up to you!

Kissing Challenge #2 - A Kiss to Remember All Day

I gave this idea as part of my 14 Day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. (You can get your copy here.)

When your husband leaves for work today (or some other opportune time) give him a kiss he’ll remember all day. Make it at least 10 or 15 seconds. Wrap your arms tightly around him and press your body into his. Your goal should be to see if you can make him dizzy. Later in the day, call him, text him or tell him in person that you have another kiss like that waiting for him. Make sure you follow up and give him that second kiss.

Husbands, you can do a modified form of this too!


My list of 10 ideas is only the tip of the iceberg. What fresh kissing ideas do you have to offer? Bring them on!

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I'm doing an updated poll of husbands and wives to find out what one thing they most need from their spouses. Please take 30 seconds and answer the relevant poll: